The Closer I Get To You – By Coley

My story takes place in 1993, after Belle’s birth; however, in my
version, Sami is unaware of her mother’s affair. There is no one to
question Belle’s paternity except for John and Marlena. Events will
not mirror the storyline of the show exactly. This is the story of
what should have been, at least in my head. I’ve always saw that there
was a lot of potential in 93’ for John and Marlena. In this story
Marlena is at war with her own heart, which leads to drama, angst, and
of course LOVE JM style. I hope you enjoy!
—

Chapter 1- Daddy

“You’re so precious,” Marlena whispered, looping her slender fingers
together beneath the pink swaddle of blankets covering the baby. She
pressed her lips to her face, gently sweeping her delicate skin with
kisses. “I love you so much sweetie.”

Isabella Brady, the newest edition to Roman and Marlena’s family, lay
content in her mother’s arms. She was small, her skin pink. The pale,
lifeless color had disappeared from her cheeks. Her life-threatening
situation at the Horton cabin where she stopped breathing was not
apparent in her genial, serene demeanor. After they were rushed to
University Hospital, Marlena and the baby had been thoroughly checked
by Dr. Benson. Both mother and baby were given a clean bill of health.
They were alone again. Roman and the girls had visited, given Isabella
their stamp of Brady approval, and went home with promises to visit
tomorrow. She was exhausted but completely captivated with Isabella.
Their bond was intense and overwhelming. Marlena needed to have her
close; she was afraid to let Isabella out of her sight.

“You gave Mama a scare baby girl. You must never do that again.”
Flashes of John hovering over Isabella, breathing life into her tiny
body, sent shivers up Marlena’s spine. She nestled her baby closer.

Isabella’s eyes fluttered open with her mother’s touch; she looked
around with an unnerving omnipotence, lucid, and iridescent, as she
settled on Marlena’s face. Indigo-blue eyes searched her face. Those
eyes—familiar eyes—startled Marlena. She had stared into this face,
into these eyes before… on the plane, in his arms; on the Titan
conference room table; in the hot springs; in her dreams. John.

“Oh man,” Marlena said, shaking the thought away. “I have to control
myself. Your daddy is Roman. Roman… I’m certain of that.” She told
Isabella.

“Are you?”

Marlena looked to see John standing in the doorway. The black leather
of his coat matched his dark hair perfectly. Determination set in his
face, and those eyes settling possessively on the baby and Marlena. He
seemed distracted.

Marlena snuggled Isabella closer to her body. “Uh, John. What are you
doing here?” Her body involuntarily reacted to being so close to John.
His presence alone caused Marlena uncontrollable quivering.

“I was worried,” he said stepping into the dimly lit room. “This
little one is precious to me. How is she doing?”

Marlena gently shook her head, dissuading him. “John.”

“Doc, I feel this incredible connection to her,” He said closing the
distance between them. He sat on the edge of the bed, wringing his
hands together. “We’ve already been through so much together.” He said
smiling proudly, as he watched Isabella. Her eyes followed John’s
voice, searching the room for him. “She’s beautiful Doc.”

Marlena agreed silently, feeling overwhelmed by the close proximity
between John and herself. Her tongue felt heavy in her throat. Her
heart pounded rapidly in her chest.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” she said sadly. “You promised you wouldn’t do this to me anymore.”

“Doc, I’m not trying to hurt you. I swear. It’s this feeling… I
can’t shake it honey. I felt it while you were pregnant. I felt it in
the Horton cabin. I love you. You know that.”

“John, you can’t love me.”

“Don’t tell me that. I’ll always love you.”

“John please… I want you to leave. I don’t want Roman to find us
together.” She pleaded.

He touched Marlena’s shoulder, causing her to gasp and pull away. He
lowered his head in frustration. Her reaction, the denial and
rejection stung John. She had been rejecting him for months. “This
isn’t about us,” John said, his anger rising. “This is about this
little girl. Doc, I think we both know the truth. This is our little
girl.”

“No, she’s Roman’s baby.” Marlena said quietly. “She’s Roman’s.”

“Look at her,” he said reaching for Isabella; Marlena held her
securely away from his grasp.

She averted her eyes, looking past John. He was wrong. Isabella was
Roman’s child. God could never be so cruel.

“Talk to me Doc.”

“No.” She said, lifting the baby to her chest. “I’m not going to have
this discussion anymore.”

“You’re afraid of the truth… you can deny yourself to me but Doc my
baby is a whole different matter all together. I want a paternity
test.”

Marlena lifted her eyes to John’s face. She tried to move slowly from
the bed, with Isabella sleeping lightly on her shoulder.

“Doc, where are you going?” He said, grabbing her arm. “Come on, sit down.”

“I’m not going to stay here and listen to you… my baby doesn’t
belong to you. I don’t belong to you. Don’t you understand that? I
love Roman. I have a whole other life with someone else.” She pulled
her legs over the side of the bed, preparing for an impossible exit.
Her body ached with every move. She was still tender having given
birth hours before. “John, I can’t do this anymore. You’re breaking my
heart.” Her voice faltered with each word. “I’m sorry that I did this
too you… that I gave my heart to you and then took it back. I’m
sorry about that. I wish I could take that back. If I could find a
solution to resolve these issues between us I would. But I can’t. It’s
too complicated.” She said through tears.

“Doc, don’t cry. Please baby.”

“John, you’ll always hold a special place in our lives… you saved
Isabella’s life,” Marlena assured him. “She’ll always love you.”

“I’m her father.” John said adamantly. He gently took the baby from
Marlena’s trembling arms, raising her above his chest. “I don’t need
any test to see that. When we made love on the plane, I was dying for
something to hold on to. You unselfishly gave me you. We made this
little girl on that plane Marlena. Look at her… I’m her daddy. God
says so.”

Marlena looked at Isabella, sated in her father’s arms. A half-smile
creasing her mouth; her little fist balled up at her sides. She would
be a tow-headed girl with her daddy’s intense eyes, and her mother’s
beauty. The picture was so clear in that moment, Marlena acknowledged
the truth in her heart finally.

“Doc?”

“What are we going to do?” Marlena questioned childishly, her hazel
eyes still glistening with tears.

“Love her.” John said simply, pulling Isabella back to his chest. He
kissed the top of her head.

“I already love her.” Marlena assured him. “I’ve always loved her…
I’ve always loved her daddy too.”

Chapter 2- The More You Make Me See

Caroline Brady held Isabella in the crook of her arms. She was the
embodiment of a grandmotherly spirit, every inch of her small stature
believed in the humanity of man, and holding her newest granddaughter
preserved that ideal. She was happy to witness Roman and Marlena’s
lives returning to a solidified place, that their marriage seemed to
be stronger than it ever was, especially with the birth of Isabella.
Her grandchildren also seemed happier than she’d seen them in ages.
They seemed secure in their family, especially Sami. The changes in
their family over the years had darkened her disposition. The sullen,
awkward little girl was turning into a beautiful and grateful
teenager. She was doing well academically, involving herself in normal
teenage activities. She cherished her friendship with Jamie; and she
adored her father. Her admiration for Roman reminded Caroline of the
affection Kayla felt for Shawn. Roman hung the moon and stars where
Sami was concerned, she believed him with no question. His word was
the final line. Carrie on the other hand had always been a bright girl
whose adaptability astounded Caroline. She learned and matured
quickly. She loved her family; she deeply loved and admired Marlena.
She loved Roman. They clashed heads often but she respected her father
and his wishes. Caroline was saddened at the idea of Eric not being
home to see his new sister. He had been away from Salem for far too
long. Isabella completed the Brady family picture. Caroline smiled as
the little girl stirred awake in her arms. She had snuck into
Marlena’s hospital room and pried the baby from Marlena’s sleeping
arms. Roman would be working at the station later than he expected. He
asked Caroline to check on Marlena and the baby until he could get
back to them. She was happy to do it. She smoothed gentle circles on
Isabella’s back to settle her.

“Caroline,” Marlena said groggily, shifting in the bed. She winced at
the sharp pain in her abdomen, remembering that Dr. Benson had
examined her again to see how well she was healing.

“Still in pain dear?”

“Yes, I’m afraid I am. Dr. Benson assures me that we’re progressing
just fine. The baby’s coming along very well, too. She’s healthy and
has a great pair of lungs.” She informed Caroline happily. Marlena’s
face defied her inner turmoil. She had tossed and turned all night
after John left her and the baby alone. Dealing with a truth she
wasn’t ready to handle. How could a precious miracle as innocent as
Isabella be the source of a terrible pain she didn’t want to inflict
on her family?
The baby was unaware of her mother’s plight. She looked kindly at
Marlena, without judgment, in the arms of her spiritual grandmother.

“Well you take it easy Marlena. This little angel needs a mother who
is healthy.”

“I will Caroline.”

Caroline handed the baby back to Marlena. “I promised Shawn I’d help
him with the rush hour at the Pub. I better get going.” She kissed
Marlena and the baby goodbye.

*****
Marlena thanked God for the quietness. It allowed her time to think
about John and Roman; about the decisions that needed to be made
regarding Isabella and her father. She wasn’t ready to make any
decisions. She wanted instead to cherish the precious time she had
with her newborn baby. With the twins, everything went by so quickly,
the moments were fleeting and sad in recollection. She had lost Roman
so soon after their birth and then gained John, only to lose him and
regain Roman. It was all too complicated to be reasoned. She could
blame her current situation on Stefano; blaming him was an easy
solution to her problems. Stefano placed John in her life and took
Roman away; he allowed not only Marlena and the children, but all of
Salem to believe John was Roman. Yet she knew Stefano didn’t force her
to fall in love with John. He also hadn’t led her to John’s plane that
night, the night that Isabella had most assuredly been conceived… on
her and Roman’s anniversary.

Marlena remembered the way she felt when she thought she would never
see John again. The idea of losing him frightened her immensely. Her
fear drove her to the plane… making love was a symptom of that fear.
She was afraid that she would never see him again; she wanted to have
him as close as possible if that were true. Marlena was unprepared for
the unencumbered emotions running through her body when she sat beside
John on the plane, so painstakingly close. Roman had called her
distant in one of their latest arguments; he wasn’t mistaken. She felt
distant from a life she didn’t recognize anymore. Autopilot. Marlena
was existing on autopilot: working, parenting, and attempting to
remain vital in her partnership with Roman. In John’s presence, those
things did not exist. On the plane that night, she forgot—her
choice—the things that tied her to Roman. Instead, she focused on
saving John, maintaining whatever piece of friendship she could with
him.

“What have I done?” Marlena asked herself, wiping her face with the
back of her hand. Tears fell steadily, pooling on the white robe
covering her. Her coat had been white that night; she remembered the
sensation of John pulling it forcefully from her body. She couldn’t
stop herself crying or trembling. She couldn’t stop herself from
responding to John’s kisses. She shuddered remembering how he nearly
dragged her toward the leather couch where they continued to undress
each other frantically. Her heart battled silently, falling into two
halves before her. On that night, she wanted John; in her life she
needed Roman. John made the decision easy for her. He kissed her until
she could not protest, not that she would. He touched her until she
was unable to think of anything besides him making love to her.

“My baby and my love,” Roman said strolling into the room with a
balloon and bouquet of roses, interrupting Marlena’s thoughts.

Marlena forced a smile, quickly wiping her face. “Hi honey. Awe so
sweet… thank you.” She said allowing him to graze her lips.

“How is Ms. Brady today?” Roman asked lifting Isabella from Marlena’s
chest. “Still sweet and pure?”

“Still sweet and pure.”

“Good. All of my girls are. Speaking of which, Sami and Carrie
promised to stop by and visit with you girls later.” Roman sat beside
Marlena in her hospital bed. “I’d forgotten how peaceful newborns can
be.”

“We’ll see if you’re still saying that when we come home.”

“When will you be coming home? Doc Benson give you a release date yet?”

Marlena shook her head, noticing how much Roman’s face had changed
over the years. Stress and anger had been the source of the lines
creasing his forehead. Roman Brady’s reputation as a hothead was
legend around Salem. He was also demanding and confrontational, more
so since his return to Salem. The bitterness and anger over his stolen
life was very much apart of their everyday lives. Marlena could sense
his unspoken resentment towards her for allowing John into their
lives. The Roman that Marlena fell in love with had been gentle and
caring. He protected her when she was convinced she did not need any.
He also helped her deal with losing Sam all those years ago.

“Doc, are you okay?”

Marlena turned to Roman, “Yes, of course.” She recovered quickly,
trailing a finger down Isabella’s cheek. “I think we should call her
Belle, honey. Isabella is such a strong name for a baby. Belle suits
her.”

“Belle… has a nice ring to it,” he said, chuckling to himself.

“Very funny Roman,” Marlena said tapping him lightly on the chest. “Do
you like that sweetie girl? Belle.”

Belle cooed softly at her mother’s voice. Her eyes traveled around the
room, searching for something that wasn’t there. Marlena’s heart
shattered. Belle knew what John and Marlena knew; she was looking for
her father. Marlena looked closer, pulling her daughter’s hand to her
lips. Belle responded to Marlena immediately, locking her indigo-blue
gaze on her mother’s face. The more Marlena learned about Belle, the
more she recognized that her secret would not always be so. She could
already see John’s features taking shape in their daughter. Belle’s
narrow nose and chin, her identical blue eyes, and round mouth.

“Thank you,” Roman said suddenly, kissing Marlena’s cheek. “You’ve
given me the best gift a woman can offer a man… another piece of
myself, of us Doc. I was worried about you and me. I wasn’t sure that
we would make it Doc. But you’ve kept on like a trooper. I love you.”

“I love you,” Marlena said honestly. “I would never leave you Roman.”

“Promise?” He said tipping her chin.

“I promise.”

Chapter 3- By Giving Me All You’ve Got

“Well look at this wee fella,” Shawn’s voice bellowed over the
gathering crowd at the pub. “You’re a fierce little tiger, aren’t ya?”
He said, an Irish lilt accenting his tongue. Shawn took Brady—clad in
an orange tiger costume and whiskers—from John as they walked toward
an empty booth. “Sit son.”

John removed his leather jacket before sliding into the booth.
“Thanks. Nice crowd tonight?”

“Halloween,” Shawn said looking around. “The children have been coming
steady all night. Caroline loves this time of year… it’s the best time
to be a Grandparent.”

“Now I always assumed that Christmas was the best time for that,” John
said raising his eyebrow sarcastically.

“It’s all good.”

“The children are lucky to have you as a Grandfather. I appreciate you
and Caroline… how you look out for Brady.” He paused to look down at
the tabletop. “Losing Isabella was one of the hardest things I’ve ever
had to face P— He stopped himself again, realizing that he had no
right to Shawn; that he wasn’t his Pop anymore.

Shawn tried to lesson his anxiety. “Son, your apart of this family… as
much as anyone else is. We all love you. You know that don’t you son?”

“I do.” John said confidently.

Shawn continued, “I understand how confusing these last couple of
years have been for you John. We’re here for you. I’ll be your Pop for
as long as you need me to be.”

“Thank you… Pop.” John said feeling relieved. When Roman returned,
their lives, his life was interrupted; Roman retained his position. He
became Doc’s husband again, he began to parent the children that John
had fathered for five years; he returned to the force, took over the
friends. Everything. John lost everything and he was expected to lose
quietly. He was expected not to love Marlena anymore or their
children. He did love Marlena; and he loved his children. The children
he’d raised without Doc or Roman. The twinners had called him Daddy
for five years. They looked at him with the same love and admiration
that Sami now reserved for Roman. Eric had been his boy. He taught him
to play baseball and tackle Sami carefully when she joined their
football games. He’d held Sami at night when she awoke frightened at
the prospect of him leaving her, as her mother had. Carrie was his
punkin. Sami was his little girl. Marlena was his wife.

Time had walked slowly toward the unreachable place where his family
was concerned. He would never be the man everyone assumed he was; he
was instead John Black, a man with no distinct background or heritage.
When Marlena was his wife, he didn’t need to question anything. She
gave him so much of herself that he felt whole and complete. Without
Doc, without Isabella he was a man drifting on memories. He looked
across the table at Brady nestled securely in Shawn’s arms.

“Shawn would it be okay if Brady stayed with you for a couple of
hours. I just have some things I need to work out.”

“Aye we’d love it,” he told John. “We’re going to head to Roman’s
tonight for a little home coming celebration for little Isabella. You
can swing by there and pick Brady up… have a little cake while you’re
there, huh?”

John smiled bravely, “That sounds good to me.” John kissed Brady
goodbye and headed to the only place he could find peace: the pier.

“She’s adorable in all this pink,” Sami cooed as she dressed Belle in
the tiny bunny rabbit costume. “Mom… we need a picture.” Sami handed
her sister to their mother.

“Sami’s right baby girl,” Marlena said softly to Belle. She nuzzled
her face against Belle’s warm cheeks. “You are just the yummiest
baby.” Belle answered her compliment with a tiny smile at the corners
of her mouth. A mass of blonde curls were gathered into a pink bow on
top of her head. She was sucking incessantly on her hand. “We have to
get ready for this party. Well I have to anyway.”

Sami scurried back into Belle’s nursery. “Mom… I found it. Hold Belle
towards me,” Sami directed peering through the camera lens to
immortalize Belle’s first Halloween. She snapped the picture quickly.
“Beautiful.”

“She is beautiful… just like her sister.” Marlena beckoned Sami to her
side. Sami was maturing before Marlena’s eyes. As a little girl, she
had been a smaller version of Marlena with her blonde hair and
porcelain skin. Sami was in full possession of her mother’s genes. In
some ways, Sami reminded Marlena of Samantha. That reminder haunted
her. “I love you Sami.”

“I love you too Mom. I’m so happy that you and Belle are all right.
Having a baby in a cabin must have been pretty scary.”

“Not too much… John was there to help me through it.” She said,
chiding herself for saying his name. She wanted to focus on her
family, the one she shared with Roman.

“Mom,” Sami lowered her voice, “How does John feel about Belle?”

“I don’t know what you mean honey,” Marlena said watching Sami
cautiously. “He’s happy she’s all right, too.”

“I mean, how does he feel about you and Daddy having another baby… together.”

“He’s happy,” she lied uneasily, “we’re all happy. He’s raising Brady.
Daddy and I are raising Belle.” Marlena set Belle in her crib. She
turned back around to Sami, crossing her arms nervously across her
chest in anticipation of Sami’s next question.

“He was our father for a long time. While you were away…Dad… John
talked about how much you wanted another baby.” Sami lowered her head.
She was afraid to mention anything about their past for fear that she
might hurt her daddy’s feelings. She hadn’t opened up about John and
Roman since they switched roles.

“Well honey that was a long time ago. John and I are good friends now.
He’s Belle’s godfather. Things have been difficult for us lately?”
Marlena asked sympathetically.

“Yeah, kind of.”

“It’s going to get a lot better. I’m not going anywhere. Your daddy’s
home to stay. We’re going to be a real family again. Like we were in
the beginning… you and Eric were my life when you were born. I’m sorry
that I was away so much. I know that must have been tough for you.”

“It was mostly okay. Daddy never let us forget you,” she said before
realizing her mistake.

Marlena smiled gratefully at Sami’s memory. “John took good care of
the three of you.”

“Yes,” Sami admitted shyly. “We missed you so much Mommy. And now we
have Daddy back… my real daddy and we have Belle.” Sami bent over to
kiss her little sister’s forehead. “Mom?”

“Yes honey?”

“Carrie loves John more than she loves Daddy.”

“Sami, Carrie’s growing up. She doesn’t love Roman any less than the
day he first carried her piggyback. There are all these emotions that
Carrie has about John and Roman, but loving them… both John and Roman
doesn’t mean she loves one of them any less than the other.” Marlena
pulled Sami into her arms. “Now do me a favor honey, keep an eye on
Belle while I get myself together for this party.”

He walked in so casually that Marlena nearly missed his entrance,
until she felt the hair at the nape of her neck raise, and then the
noise in the room ceased, and she looked up and made eye contact with
John. Unnerved, she visually searched the room to see if anyone else
had noticed. Roman was playing host to their guests with Belle
sleeping in his arms. Marlena watched John’s eyes flash jealously at
Roman and the baby. His gaze returned to her but she refused to meet
it. She closed her eyes in frustration, making a quiet exit through
the kitchen, slipping quietly into the back yard.

She hadn’t seen John since Belle’s birth. The words that they’d
whispered about her paternity were unsettled; hanging in quiet
desperation, which she was sure would inevitably lead to her
destruction. Marlena had also admitted unashamed that she loved John.
She could lie to anyone except John; she could also be cold and
distant to anyone except John. He had an innate ability to pull words
from her that she would otherwise be ashamed to utter, to make her
body tremble in response to their closeness. She realized that he
would always hold that power over her. Their baby had nothing to do
with the way she felt about John. She was willing to sacrifice her
feelings in order for Belle to know a stable, loving life. She owed
both of those things to not only Belle but also to Roman and their
children.

Her decision was to beg John to allow Belle to remain Roman’s child;
that, Belle would never have to know who her biological father was.
She wanted to convince him that the truth would destroy her family,
Belle included. Marlena knew how selfish it was of her to ask John to
sacrifice his love for their little girl, so that Roman could remain
happy. The entire situation was unfair and selfish. She was distraught
over her decision. She cried in bed at night after Roman was asleep,
when Roman went to work each morning, and in the shower. Marlena cried
because no one could truly be happy in their situation, especially
her. If she chose John, Roman and their children would suffer; and
choosing Roman meant that John and Brady would have to move on without
her.

“Doc?”

Marlena knew it was John without turning to face him. She
instinctively knew he would follow her, and stare at her with those
familiar eyes.

“Doc?” John moved toward her in the center of the backyard. His hands
naturally covered her trembling shoulders. “Are you okay?”

She nodded silently, shuddering from his touch. Marlena stepped away
from his grasp; it was the only way for her to retain her composure.

“What are we going to do?” John questioned. His soft words lingered
for a couple of tense minutes. He waited patiently. He did not want to
press her into doing anything she wasn’t ready to do. “I’m sorry about
this.”

“Why are you sorry?” Marlena said finally turning to face him. “Don’t
be sorry about Isabella. She’s the best thing that ever could have
happened to me.”

“I’m not sorry about our baby. I think you know I will never regret
any thing we did, especially creating that little girl in there.” John
looked toward the house. “The little girl that Roman is walking around
with, showing her off as if he owns her. How do you think that makes
me feel Doc? That’s my baby.”

Marlena tried to hold onto her composure. Her voice was failing her as
she searched for consoling words. “John, it’s not Roman’s fault. We
did this. We made this mess.”

“Baby, it’s not a mess. What we feel for each other is not a mess,” he
whispered dejectedly. “This is exactly why we’re in this situation
now,” John said trying to control his temper. “You have a sense of
moral obligation to stay married to a man you don’t love.”

“I love my husband,” she cried.

“What about me?” He goaded. “What about me… Isabella’s father. I’m the
man who gave you up willingly because everyone told me it was the
right thing to do.”

Marlena cupped her forehead, “John. We can’t undo the past.” She
brought her hand to her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to hold her
feelings at bay. “It’ll destroy everyone I love.”

“Except me…” John said quietly.

Marlena shifted her weight from one leg to another. “John. You chose
Isabella. It was your decision.”

“No Doc, I’m not going to allow you to rewrite our history. You wanted
Roman but you made love to me.” He said angrily. “We made Belle.”

“Don’t use the feelings I have for you against me. I wasn’t alone in
making her John. You knew the situation. I was married to Roman… I am
married to Roman. You took advantage of the way I felt about you. ”
Marlena told him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “ You
should have fought for us… you didn’t.”

“Doc I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you honey. I love you. The
only thing in my life I’ve ever been sure of is how much I love you.”

Marlena sighed heavily. “John please don’t say that. This is hard
enough to settle. You told me in the hospital that this wasn’t about
us. It’s not.”

“No, listen to me… you know me better than anyone else. Doc, you know
that I can’t let another man raise my child. That’s not the kind of
man I am, honey. Do you need a test to prove that she’s mine?”

Marlena whispered no. She closed the gap between them, allowing John
to be closer to her. The barriers were broken. There was only the
truth that they carried in their hearts; Belle was definitely John’s
daughter.

“I know whose baby Belle is. When she looks at me all I can see is
your face,” she said running her fingers down John’s angular jawbone.
“I can see Brady’s face in the way she yawns and sucks on her hand.
Everything about her reminds me of you.” Marlena pulled her hand back
realizing what her touch must be doing to John.

“Well?”

“John. I need time to think. This is just too soon. We’ve only been
home a week. I need to time to adjust.” She said. “Will you allow me
to figure this out?”

“Doc?”

“John please…”

“No Doc, if you think he’ll understand about us… you’re wrong. Roman’s
going to hate me even more than he does now. And he’ll resent the fact
that he has to raise another man’s child. Whatever you’re thinking is
not going to work.”

“Will you let me try to find a solution?”

“There is only one solution,” John said stubbornly. “Come home with
me. You and Belle.”

Marlena turned incredulously on her heel. “What about Sami and Carrie…
not to mention my husband? John we’re not going to be together. I’m
not leaving my husband.”

“Marlena from the moment you walked back into this town you’ve wanted
to be with me. People aren’t blind honey. They can see how much we
love each other. Honey, I know that you think it’s wrong.” John walked
away from Marlena. Their closeness betrayed what he was truly feeling.
He wanted to hold her in his arms again, to kiss Marlena until she
moaned his name softly in his ear. However, John was angry at
Marlena’s constant denial. He knew she wanted him as much as he wanted
her. “I didn’t take advantage of you on that plane. How could you say
something like that to me? I made a decision for both us that night. I
wanted to make you forget Roman and your obligations for one night.”

“It wasn’t your decision to make,” Marlena countered bitterly. “I’m an
adult John.”

“Doc, this is getting us nowhere.”

“So don’t pursue this any longer John. Just let it be.”

John pressed his palms to his forehead. “Doc… don’t ask me to give up
on my daughter.”

“John don’t make me chose between you and Roman.” Marlena pleaded.

“I thought you’d already done that.” He said angrily, leaving her alone.

Chapter 4- Your Love Has Captured Me

“Thou has wept to know
That things depart which never may return
Childhood & youth, friendship & love’s first glow
Have fled like sweet dreams, leaving thee to mourn.”
–Percy Bysshe Shelley

Zen… what did she know about Zen? The room was so dimly lit that she
prayed John couldn’t see the affect of his words over her. She
inhaled.

Breathe.

Breath by breath she remind herself.

He was eyeing her so intently that she had to avert her eyes to floor
level. His breaths were slow, shallow breaths that warmed the bridge
of her nose. Marlena had endeavored ineffectively to avoid their
connection—the sensual, sexually charged connection—of John standing
too closely, his words intoxicating every sense in her body. She’d
tried to escape quietly from this room, but his voice impeded those
efforts. Her legs stopped suddenly, her body turning to face those
words: what do you know about Zen?

John spoke with such eloquent passion—she didn’t know he could recite
stories about Buddha—that it was all she could do not to fall in his
arms once more. On the plane, she’d given her body unselfishly without
much thought. This was different. This time her mind was seduced by
this man who had been her husband; her heart was falling to his will,
her body to his emotional ministration.

A warm light bathed John, highlighting the blue-black hue of his thick
hair, romanticizing the very nature of this man. The dark suit fit his
well-defined body perfectly. She wanted to reach out and touch some
part of him, to lessen the emotional distance. In his arms, Marlena
could feel as if they were meant to be together. Together they
existed; apart they were two lonely souls wallowing in
self-sacrificing pity. Then suddenly a thought struck Marlena wholly;
his face flashed in her mind’s eye: Roman—her husband. Roman. Roman.
Roman.

“Doc… are you okay?”

Roman’s voice startled her awake. She sat up quickly, realizing that
she was dreaming again of the intense night with John, when she’d
betrayed Roman for a second time. “I’m fine. I’m just fine.” She said
running her fingers through her blonde hair nervously.

“You must have been dreaming. You’ve been tossing and turning all
night.” He told her pulling a crisp dark t-shirt over his bare chest.
His hair was still glistening from his morning shower. His face was
fresh from a close shave.

Smiling impishly, she questioned, “Was I,” feeling a warmness color
her cheeks with embarrassment.

“I think so. I hope they were good dreams… about me,” he said with a
smirk that made her smile widen.

“Of course,” she said sarcastically. “Is Belle still asleep?” She
asked pulling her slender, long legs over the side of the bed before
reaching for her robe.

“At last check she was. That little girl is such an angel. What’s this
been three weeks and she’s already sleeping through the night?”

“Four weeks Commander. Our daughter is four weeks old today as a
matter of fact.” Her words slipped out so easily that she didn’t have
time to regret them. Regret surfaced after the comment, after she
looked into Roman’s pride-filled face.

“The twins were relentless in the beginning. They were never as
peaceful as the little princess,” Roman recalled pulling jeans over
his well-defined legs.

Marlena shrugged, “maybe we’re just better at parenting now. Besides
what do you know of the twins’ relentlessness? I recall being the only
parent who woke up every night with them for the first three weeks of
their lives.”

“Oh you do?”

She stood to her full height; her pre-pregnancy body of a tall,
slender build returning. “Yes I do. In fact, when Belle does awake I
think she’d like to see her Daddy’s face.”

Roman followed Marlena’s path to the bathroom encasing her waist from
behind. He nuzzled his chin into her neck gently. She chided herself
that this was the natural way to love; not to be consumed by such
passion and uncontrollable urges—the way she felt in John’s presence.
“I can’t do it, Doc. I’ve been waiting to tell you…”

“Tell me what,” she said loosening his grip on her waist, pivoting on
the balls of her bare feet to face him.

“Honey, I’ve been putting this off for weeks. I didn’t want to leave
you and the baby so soon.” He explained quickly.

Marlena pursed her lips tightly together, raising her eyebrow
curiously. “Roman.”

“An assignment… I leave today.”

“What?” She asked incredulously, “an assignment? Where?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Of course you can’t,” she said stalking off angrily. “You never
change. I don’t know why I expected that this would change. It’ll be
just like when the twins were babies.”

“It’ll never be like that again, Doc.” He said recognizing the haunted
look in her eye, remembering that she’d suffered when he disappeared
so soon after the twins’ birth. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised
solemnly.

“You didn’t have much choice the last time Roman. So tell me, how many
lives do you have to save before you feel like it’s enough?”

Her question confounded Roman. “Doc, what’s this about? This is my
job. It’s what I do. You know that.”

“Don’t tell me what I know Roman. I know that we have a little girl… a
beautiful little girl who I want you to be around to raise. It was
your choice to have another baby Roman. You wanted a second chance to
make things right. Your second chance is laying in the crib down the
hallway.”

“Why are you picking a fight Marlena? What’s this really about?” He
said stepping closer to her.

“I’m not. This is about us.” She said softly. “I’m not going to do
this alone Roman.” She couldn’t do this—be alone with no barriers, no
excuses.

“Do what alone? Honey, I’ll be back in three days. You’re not alone.
Ma’s here to help you. Sami’s down the hall. Carrie will be here
whenever you call her. Come on Doc don’t do this to me.”

“What… make you not feel guilty for leaving your newborn daughter and
wife?” She said wryly shaking her head. “I don’t want to fight with
you, Roman.”

“Good then don’t.”

She resigned herself to the inevitable. “I won’t. Just come back to
us. Okay?” Marlena wrapped her arms around Roman’s neck.

“You know I will. This isn’t a dangerous case at all, honey. I’m
simply following up on some leads.” He looped his arms around her
waist, pulling her closer to his chest. “You’re the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever been married to.” He told her smiling boyishly.

Marlena swatted his chest. “You goof.”

“I’m sorry about leaving. Kiss me Doc.”

She pressed delicately on his soft mouth, cupping his face in her warm
hands. He responded, holding her tightly in an overwhelming embrace.
He overpowered her mouth quickly, almost brutally. She was fighting
for breaths when Roman’s hands slipped effortlessly beneath her robe
running toward the small of her bare back.

“Honey,” Marlena said squirming in his embrace, reminding him with two
well-manicured fingers, “two more weeks.”

Roman lowered his head to connect with her forehead. “Two more weeks?”

“Mm hmm.”

He pressed his mouth impatiently against her lips again before letting
go. “I have to get going here or I’m going to miss my plane.”

“Yes you’d better,” she said heading to check on Belle.

“Honey?”

“Yes.”

Conflict lined Roman’s drawn face. “It’s John… John isn’t welcome
here… not while I’m away.”

She couldn’t find words to respond.

“If I’m overstepping my boundaries…”

Marlena shook her head wordlessly.

“Then I’m not?” He said before continuing, “He should try and focus on
Brady… try and make a new life for himself.” Roman lifted his
overnight bag to the bed watching Marlena for her response.

She walked out of the room silently, whispering to herself, “if only
it were that easy Roman.”

…………….
“A penny for your thoughts,” Kristen said interrupting John’s solitude
in the park. He was watching Brady and his nanny Elsa a few feet in
front of him playing.

John looked up and smiled at Kristen. “Hello.”

“Brady seems to be enjoying himself,” she said taking the seat beside
John. “And his daddy seems to be in deep thought. Are you okay?”

John exhaled, “Oh, yes. I’m just fine.”

“It definitely sounds like it John. I would like to help if I can.”
She offered placing her hand on John’s elbow. She was fascinated by
the mysteriousness of John Black. She had always been fascinated by
him. He was one of the most sensitive, kindest men she’d ever known.
The men in her life exerted their power in brutal, overwhelming ways.
John was different. He was powerful and yet the gentlest soul she’d
ever encountered. “I haven’t seen you since we helped bring Marlena’s
baby into this world. How is she doing?”

John’s face shifted, closing off at the mention of his daughter.
“Well… she’s doing well. Doc’s an excellent mother.”

Kristen noted the pain in John’s voice when he mentioned Marlena and
her daughter. She could see their connection in the Horton cabin.
“This must be a tough situation for you. You were married to her?” She
asked cautiously, trying to sound friendlier rather than
interrogative. They were friends, she decided. John had saved her life
in the park, and then helped draw her out of her shyness. They’d been
to small dinners and functions together, all platonically. She was
ready for more. She had been ready for more the night of Belle’s
birth.

“Yes I was,” he said, unwilling to rehash his past with Marlena with
anyone. “It was a long time ago Kristen.”

“I’m not trying to pry John. I just wondered…”

“Wondered what Kristen?”

“How does that work out? How do you, Marlena, and Roman stay in the
same town. I mean after all the mix up’s and marriages?”

“They live their lives and I live mine.” He stated plainly, wondering
what Kristen was digging for. “Besides I have Brady to focus on.”

Kristen followed John’s eyes toward Brady. “Were you as carefree and
playful as Brady… when you were a little boy?”

John’s voice softened, “I guess all little boys are. I don’t remember
my childhood at all.”

“Was it a horrible childhood?”

“I don’t remember anything. I have amnesia concerning my past.”

“I’m sorry John.” She drew her hand around John’s shoulders. “You must
have had a wonderful life… you’re such a kind and giving man.”

John shrugged offering her a small smile. “I am the man that I am because of…”

Kristen hung on his words eagerly. “Because of who John?”

“No one,” he told her dropping his head into his hands. He felt
Kristen’s hands fall down his back, where she began massaging soothing
sweeps across the knots in his back.

“John?” John looked up to follow the familiar voice. Carrie ran toward
him with her arms outstretched.

“Hi Punkin, what are you doing here?” He asked her, squeezing her closely.

Carrie pointed toward the entrance of the park where Marlena, Sami,
and Belle were standing watching their exchange. Sami stood steadfast
at her mother’s side. Her hand on the handle of Belle’s stroller and
laced with her mother’s fingers. After a few awkward seconds, they
walked over to John and Carrie in measured steps.

“Hello Kristen… John.” Marlena avoided both of their faces. She’d
witnessed Kristen’s hands traveling across John’s back.

Sami shot a polite smile at John and Kristen.

“Hello Marlena. She’s absolutely beautiful,” Kristen said bending over
Belle’s stroller.

“Thank you.”

“Kristen’s right,” John agreed, kneeling beside Belle’s stroller. He
reached in to scoop Belle into his arms. He felt Marlena’s silent
glaring, the quiet disapproval. In any other place, he would have
followed her wishes, and not held Belle but the moment was so
innocent. Sami and Marlena stood beside each other pretending that
everything was normal between them. Even though John felt extremely
connected to not only Belle but also to Carrie and Sami.

“She’s so sweet John.” Carrie mentioned, realizing that Brady was a
few feet away. “Brady’s here. Come on Sami.”

Marlena’s face brightened, “How is Brady doing John?” She said,
breaking the ice between them.

“He’s wonderful Doc.”

A proud smile creased Marlena’s lips. “That’s magnificent John. He’s a
brilliant boy. Isabella would be so proud.”

John agreed, shifting Belle in his arms. He could feel the
uncomfortable, irritable way Belle was acting. “Is she okay Doc?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“Doesn’t she seem… I don’t know… not herself.”

“No. She seems rather normal to me. Let me have her,” she said
reaching for Belle. She checked her forehead for warmness. “She’s not
warm.”

“I don’t know Doc. She’s seems kind of off to me.”

“She’s fine John.” Marlena said putting Belle back into her stroller.
“I just remembered something I have to do at home.” She told him,
waving weakly before heading in the direction of the girls and Brady.

John watched her lift Brady and kiss him until he broke into a smile.
His son in her arms, their baby in the stroller at her side… the
family he wanted. He was removed his daydream by Kristen’s touch. She
stood closely at his side watching Marlena and the children.

“You love her, don’t you John?”

His cheeks flushed red. “Of course I love her. I’ll always love Doc.”

Chapter 5- Over and Over Again

Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life.
–Maureen Hawkins

There was a silence, so deafening and disconcerting that the presence
itself, sent a quiver throughout her body. Silence offers despair only
to those hearts who know it intimately, draping heavily in empty
rooms, rumbling elusively against walls, and crawling seductively
across floorboards where footsteps and familiar voices seldom treaded.
Her soul listened with uneasy comfort. She slid into a bath filled
with vanilla scented oils; a stem of chilled wine perched in her
well-manicured hand. The cool liquid ran down her throat smoothly. And
with it, she was better suited for the demons of her life. Though
being better suited in this case led always to a hazy mind and
emotional depths of sorrow and tears. The situation hounded her. From
darkness toward the morning light, she could not escape the place that
was swallowing her up. And being Marlena, being herself floundered
beneath her effort to do anything beyond exist. It was the theory of
her life changing, unnoticeably, when even the obvious is not such
anymore. Where the meaning of her existence shifted gradually away
from where she began. ‘Nothing changes,’ her mother had promised her
when she was still a college student, ‘We only get older and therefore
better at adapting.’ Marlena closed her eyes and slid farther into the
water. Her mother had been mistaken. Everything changes. Life happens,
sometimes so abruptly that simply living through the moment is all you
can do. She had been doing simply that: living through moments of
uncomfortable silences, uncertainty, and extreme heartbreak. Why did
John have the ability to usurp the very nature of who she knew herself
to be? Marlena lost all sensibilities in light of him. She was
embarrassed by her response to seeing John and Kristen together in the
park. Jealously had struck her unnoticeably, but internally she was
raging.

“Oh John.” She cried, pulling her hand to smother her mouth. Tears
welled and trailed slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t want to be
jealous of John; she had no right to be. He was not her husband
anymore. John was a man. Woman loved him. There had been women who
filled her place before: Diana, Isabella, and now seemingly Kristen.
Being reminded of them saddened Marlena deeply. It also angered her
that John was always searching for someone to fill her place. What
right did he have to do so? John had every right she reminded herself…
he wasn’t her responsibility any longer. She had chosen Roman—chosen
her family. It was the most responsible thing to do.

Marlena sipped some more wine. She had been remembering what John had
been to her, in those lost years after Roman’s unexpected death. When
she believed wholeheartedly that John was Roman, and that he was the
husband who had left her. In all honesty, she’d known there was
something different about John. He spoke the words and knew tidbits of
history, but he was something different all together. He was
emotionally unlike the Roman who Marlena had married. Falling in love
with John changed Marlena’s soul; she was a completely transformed
person in his presence. He reached her, even then when she was so
unreachable—filled with an unending grief and sadness—he made her life
bloom. She’d never felt more alive than when she was in his presence,
even before Samantha’s death. John’s love for her made her feel human
again. She’d lost a touch of humanity in all of the loss she
sustained: Samantha, Roman, and even D.J. and Don. Nothing had
prepared her for the impact that John’s brand of living had on her.
Without John in those years, she would probably have not made it out
of the long season of darkness. However, he had been there; he was
always there. Marlena was afraid to admit it aloud but she knew that
John would never leave. He would never leave Belle and more
importantly, he would never leave Belle’s mother.

The sound of Belle’s ragged breathing sharpened her attention to the
monitor beside the tub. She lifted it to her ear and listened
intently. Belle had been sleeping peacefully in her crib when Marlena
left her to take a bath. Carrie and Sami had decided to go the movies
and then stay overnight at respective friends. Marlena grabbed a large
towel, drying herself quickly. She draped her robe over her shoulders
and hurried to Belle’s room.

The lullaby mobile was still singing a meditating, chime above Belle’s
crib. “Belle… honey.” Marlena lifted Belle’s listless body to her
chest. She could feel the warmness of her Belle’s cheeks pressing
against her skin. Belle’s breathing was tempered. Marlena put her back
into the crib. She found a thermometer to take Belle’s temperature.
She squirmed at the intrusion of the thermometer, the sound ascending
from a low whine to a full-fledged piercing cry. “Mama’s here honey.”
She assured her, rubbing her back soothingly. Marlena picked up the
phone beside Belle’s bed and naturally dialed John’s phone number.

“John Black.”

Marlena was relieved to hear his voice. She gasped his name, “John,”
as she was simultaneously dressing Belle in a sleeper. “It’s Belle.
She has a fever… I’m going to take her to University hospital.”

“Baby, is she okay?” He asked pointedly concerned. “Where are you?”

“John, calm down. She’s fine for now. I’m getting her dressed.”

“I’ll be there.”

“No,” she protested, buttoning the last button on Belle’s sleeper.
“I’m going to call an ambulance.

“You haven’t done that yet?” He asked raising his voice. “Where’s Roman?”

“Out of town,” Marlena said loosing her cool. She was beginning to
feel overwhelmed in the empty house with Belle’s crying and John’s
anxious voice in her ear.

“Doc, I’m coming now. Call the doctor.”

“John…”

“Call,” he barked at her. “Is she conscious?”

“Yes. Her breathing is a little ragged and she has a fever. It’s not
life-threatening John.”

“I’ll be there.” He said ending the call prematurely.

She picked Belle back up and phoned University hospital. She informed
Mike Horton of Belle’s condition. He told her to remain calm and wait
for the ambulance to arrive. She hung up and realized that she still
needed to get herself dressed. With Belle hugged securely to her body,
she hurried back into her room. After laying Belle in the center of
the bed, she dressed hastily in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt of
Roman’s.

“Mama’s going to make sure your all better baby girl. Daddy’s coming.
We’re going to be fine,” she assured herself and Belle. She slipped on
a pair of shoes and came back to find Belle lying still in the center
of the bed. She touched her chest, realizing that she wasn’t breathing
anymore.

“Honey… Belle…. Don’t do this to Mama,” she said, hovering above her.
Belle’s skin was pale. A blue tint colored her small lips. Marlena
began to panic. “Belle… wake up.” She immediately began administering
mouth-to-mouth. “No… honey. You have to breathe. Come on” She told her
in between breaths. “I’m not going to let you do this.” She warned
her. D.J’s lifeless body flashed in her mind. “Baby please, wake up.”
She breathed soft breaths into her daughter’s small body again. “Come
on Belle. Breath.” She yelled. In the chaos she heard footfalls
descending the stairs, padding quickly down the hallway towards them.

“What’s wrong Doc?” John asked rushing into the room.

“She stopped breathing two seconds ago,” she said, giving Belle
another set of breaths.

“Give her to me Doc.” He demanded moving Marlena away from Belle.
“Belle, it’s your Daddy here. Now I’m not going to let you leave here
like this.” He began with CPR. “I love you. Your mother loves you.” He
told her in between breaths. “You have to come back to us. I won’t let
you die baby. Come on sweetheart, breath for Daddy.” He commanded,
watching as Belle slowly began taking breathes. “That’s it honey. You
can do it. Just breathe for daddy.” He picked Belle up and held her in
his arms, kissing her head several times. “Thank God. Oh God… thank
you so much.”

Marlena was undone. Her emotions flowed effortlessly from her body.
She allowed John’s arms to wrap around her, their daughter cemented
between them in their embrace. Belle’s even breaths warmed John’s
neck. “She’s okay Doc.” John promised her.

“Thank you. Oh Belle… I love you,” she said kissing Belle. “Your daddy
saved your life… again.”

“Mama wasn’t so bad either,” John said pressing his lips to Marlena’s
forehead. “Come on Doc. Let’s get her downstairs for the ambulance.”

“John, thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” he told her, cupping her chin between
his fingers. “I’m her daddy. I’ll always protect this little girl. I
love you, Doc.” His emotions overwhelmed him, without thinking, he
kissed her. She didn’t pull away. She allowed him to linger on her
lips, relishing the intensity of his mouth, the sensation of his lips
pulling passionately on hers. Belle’s muffled cry pulled them apart.
“Let’s go Doc.”

“Seeing Belle lying in that way… her lips that awful color blue… not
moving…” Marlena said bringing her trembling hands to her mouth, “It
felt like D.J. all over again. John the only thing I could see was
D.J.’s lifeless body lying their helpless.”

“Come on baby, don’t think about that now,” he told her, securing his
arms around her waist from behind.

She fell into in John’s chest, dropping her head to his shoulder.
“This is a punishment,” she said in a low, sad voice. Belle’s
condition was still unknown. Mike and a specialist had taken her for
testing as soon as they arrived at University.

“No Doc.”

She broke away from John’s hold, walking down the aisle of the chapel
of the hospital. The light from the candles at the altar glimmered
against the dimness of the small room, illuminating Marlena’s
tear-stained face. John watched her every move, allowing her to find
the distance that she was seeking. He knew why she needed to
physically distance herself; he understood her need to preserve
whatever integrity she could maintain where their relationship was
concerned. She caught his gaze. Her honey colored eyes carrying the
sadness of the world, her body quivering from a fear that he could not
erase. Turning away, Marlena extended her hand, lit a candle, and
knelt in front of the altar.

“God please don’t punish my baby for my sins,” she began earnestly
“she’s so precious and helpless. If I could change this situation, I
would… I would do that if it meant that I could keep Belle. God you
know what she means to me. Please allow her a life filled with nothing
except good things. She deserves that. I’ll be true to my vows.”
Marlena raised her eyes toward Heaven; she closed her eyes humbly.
What she didn’t see was John walking from the room.

*******
Dr. Mina James, a pediatric specialist, examined Belle with her
stethoscope. She moved the metal instrument across Belle’s chest
gradually as she listened for any blockage or congestion. “She’s all
clear now, Dr. Evans and…”

“John.”

“John,” Mina said offering John and Marlena a reassuring smile. “You
were right to panic. Belle’s condition could have been more serious
had you not taken correct precautions.”

“The CPR,” Marlena asked stepping closer to Belle’s bed. She stroked
Belle’s fuzzy strands of hair, relishing the normality of Belle’s
condition.

“Yes. The tests are conclusive. Belle has a mild form of infant
apnea,” Dr. James informed them. “Apnea simply means that there are
times when breathing stops… apnea spells.”

John stepped forward, “Is this fatal?”

“No John, babies normally breathe 20 to 60 times a minute and
sometimes stop breathing for 10 to 12 seconds. These breathing pauses
are considered normal if the heart rate returns to normal. Pauses
between breaths that are longer than 15 seconds or pauses that occur
with a change in the baby’s skin color and a drop in heart rate are
not normal.”

“Like with Belle tonight?”

“Exactly Dr. Evans… but luckily you were able to restart her breathing.”

“So what do we…” she edited herself avoiding John’s eyes, “what do my
husband and I do?”

“Well you and John can—

Marlena interrupted the doctor, “No, this is Belle’s godfather… my
husband is away on business.”

Dr. James apologized, “I’m sorry for my assumption. You simply monitor
her breathing. I don’t think she’s likely to have any more episodes.
Unfortunately apnea can be triggered by other things… in Belle’s case
the infection is what triggered this apnea spell.”

“What infection,” John asked.

“Oh, I assumed that they explained her condition fully. Belle has a
mild ear infection. Her fever was indicative of that. She’s been given
some antibiotics and she’ll be all set to go.”

“Go?” Marlena said eyeing the doctor suspiciously. “My daughter nearly
died tonight.”

“Dr. Evans believe me when I tell you Belle is out of danger. We would
not discharge her otherwise. Keep an eye on her as you would with any
sick child. She’s free to go.” Dr. James said giving Belle one last
look over.

“Uh thank you Dr. James… I really appreciate you coming down on such
short notice,” Marlena said offering her hand.

“Oh don’t mention it. She really is a special little girl Dr. Evans.
Enjoy her.” She said waving goodbye to John on her way out of the
room.

Marlena leaned over the metal edge of Belle’s crib. She kissed a trail
across Belle’s forehead before saying thank you silently. When she
turned back around John was standing beside her. He reached into the
crib and lifted Belle out.

“Little girl I’m so happy that your okay. Doc,” he said pressing
Belle’s cheek to his mouth, “I’m staying with you and my daughter
tonight.”

Marlena shook her head in protest. “John, that can’t happen. I promised…”

“Doc, this is my little girl,” he said before realizing what she said.
“You promised what,” he questioned Marlena with Belle hugged to his
chest.

“Roman… I promised Roman that I would stay away from you,” she
admitted painfully.

“Oh come on Doc. You can’t make a promise like that. You can’t promise
God that… and you can’t promise Roman that,” he told her bitterly,
reminding her of the prayer she’d said an hour ago.

“John, please… he’s my husband. I have to respect his wishes.”

“And this is my little girl… what about my wishes and rights?”

“Things are just so complicated John.”

“Then uncomplicate them… tell Roman the truth.”

Marlena turned her body away from John and their little girl. The
guilt was eating her alive, “What truth John?”

“That you love me dammit… that truth. We can start there. You’re so
afraid to admit that. This indecision is killing me.”

“Am I? I’ve told you that I love you. I also love Roman.” She said
angrily, tired of fighting the same battle with John. “Can you please
just take us home?”

“Doc, I’m not leaving her.”

“I don’t have the strength to argue with you. What do you want from
me? I’ve already committed the greatest sin possible for you… we made
this little girl when we had no right to do so.”

“Yes, we made her.”

“And I’m going to protect her. I’m her mother.”

“Doc I’m her daddy.”

“John. I’ll call a cab.”

“No you won’t,” he said grabbing her wrist forcefully. “You’re going
to have to face the truth… the whole truth one day.”

Marlena pulled away, sighing heavily. “I’ll get Belle’s discharge
papers,” she said
They left the hospital in absolute silence. Marlena was preoccupied
with Belle and the instructions from Dr. James. She was finally
resting peacefully in her carrier, strapped safely beside her mother
in the back seat of John’s jeep. John watched her through the rearview
mirror wordlessly; it was all he could do to control his anger. Her
indecision was making John feel unsure of her feelings for him. They
had to resolve their situation no matter the fallout. He decided that
their situation would have to wait; their daughter’s health was the
most important issue at hand. He was determined to stay with her
despite Marlena’s protest.

“Where are we going?” Marlena asked when John missed the turn that
would take them to their house.

“By the loft… I need to grab a couple of things.” He said pointedly.

“No, we’re going home.”

“And I’m going with you. I just need to grab some things from home.”

Marlena realized arguing was futile. She sat back and rode silently.
When he stopped in front of the loft, he turned and unstrapped Belle’s
carrier.

“Come on,” he ordered her. “You’re not staying out here in the dark
with the baby. It’ll only be a minute. Come on.”

Marlena clenched her jaw together. Shaking her head dubiously, she
climbed out of the jeep. She followed John and Belle into the
building, choosing to stand in the far end of the elevator as they
rode upstairs. She hesitated when they reached John’s floor.

“Doc, it’s drafty out here.” He said, balancing Belle in one hand as
he found the key’s to open the door.

Marlena bit anxiously into her bottom lip as she tucked a piece of
hair behind her eye and crossed her arms at her chest. John set
Belle’s carrier on a level spot and proceeded to peel her blankets
back. “There you go honey.” The rosy color of her apple cheeks was
returning slowly. She smiled at the sound of John’s voice. “Make
yourself comfortable.” He said, taking off his leather jacket.

Marlena stayed defiantly near the door. “I’m going to check on Sami
and Carrie,” she said.

“The phone’s over here,” he said lifting a cordless from an end table
beside the couch. “I’m going to go upstairs… if you need privacy.” He
eyed her as she walked slowly toward him. They met in the center of
the room and she reached for the phone, gasping inwardly from his
touch. A similar scene flashed in her mind, when she’d practically
begged John not to leave town and his response was to reject her
completely. He’d watched her walk out of the door.

She mouthed thanks. She waited until he climbed the steps before
sitting across from Belle on the couch. “Honey, we’re going to get
home. I bet Carrie and Sami are worried about where we are. We haven’t
called anyone to tell them how sick you were.” She called Carrie and
Sami, both of whom had been unaware of her absence from home. She
decided not to alarm them with Belle’s close call. She wished both
girls her love before ending the respective calls. “I wonder if
Roman’s called.” She wondered aloud, realizing that it had been two
days since she last talked with him. “Roman where are you? I can’t do
this without you.” She said biting back the tears that sprung
naturally from her eyes. How could she blame him for not being there?
She should have enough strength to be faithful to Roman. “We shouldn’t
be here… I shouldn’t be here.” She looked at Belle sleeping in her
carrier. The undeniable bond that she had with John had created her,
sealing them together. The overwhelming feelings of love and devotion,
guilt and deceit poured into her mercilessly. She sobbed
uncontrollably into her hands, attempting to stifle her sobs.

Chapter 6- I Try To Tell Myself We Could Never Be More Than Friends (NC-17)

Clenched Soul
“We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.
I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings”
–Pablo Neruda

Belle’s whimper broke the reverie of Marlena’s daydream. Clearing her
throat, she refocused her attention on her daughter. Marlena made her
way into John’s loft, holding their sleeping daughter tightly to her
chest. She’d argued stubbornly with John about not coming into the
loft, and then with herself before giving into nature’s call. Quickly
giving Belle to John, she darted for the bathroom, unable to hold it
anymore. With all the drama going on at the hospital, using the
bathroom was the last thing on her mind until they were in the Jeep.

John slowly rocked Belle in his arms as his fingers skimmed along the
structure of her face; the beauty in this tiny girl was unbelievably
extraordinary. Everything about her was perfect….she was the spitting
image of her mother; however, her nose, her eyes and even her lips
compared to his somewhat. Thoughts of Roman filled his mind, wondering
if he ever stared at her and wondered the same thing that he and
Marlena knew….could he deny the resemblance?

Pulling Belle to him, he decided to take her upstairs to Brady’s crib.
He decided that this would be the perfect time to clear the air with
Marlena…after their argument in the back yard the other day. Tonight
he was determined to force Marlena to talk to him about their
responsibility to Belle; and he refused let her jump around the issue
this time. He refused to permit Marlena to leave until they reached an
understanding tonight. He swiftly turned on the monitor and checked
Belle one last time before heading out the room and descending the
spiral staircase.

Marlena ran up to him panicking, unsure of what had happened to John and Belle.

“Is she alright? What’s the matter? Where is she?” she asked badgering
him with questions, one right after the other.

John held his hands up for a moment, walking over to the entertainment
center to turn on the portable monitor. Once he made sure he heard
Belle breathing normally, he turned around to face Marlena.

“She is fine…I just tucked her in the crib.”

Marlena’s expression dropped as her mind began to race and her face
filled with panic and confusion. “Why would you tuck her in? We need
to go home, we cannot stay here. Are you out of your mind?” She
panicked as she tried to walk around John but was quickly stopped and
held still.

“We need to talk and this is the perfect moment. You and I are way
overdo for this conversation and its going to happen…right here and
right now.” His firm tone of his voice frightened her, as she began
shaking her head from side to side.

“No…No…this is not the time nor the place. Belle was just in the
hospital an hour ago….four hours ago she was fighting for her life and
you want to have a conversation about us…now….I don’t think so.” She
argued back as she tried to walk past him once more, but again she was
stopped. This time she shoved his hands away, unable to handle the
pressure he was putting on her….she didn’t like to be backed in a
corner and tonight was the worst time he could attempt that.

“This involves Belle too….this involves all of us. Now sit down
because you’re not leaving here until we finish this.”

“Fine…I’ll call a cab then because I refuse to stay here one more
minute with you. I knew coming here was a mistake…why do I listen to
you?” Venom seeped out in every word she spoke as she walked around
the couch, trying to avoid John’s touch.

“Oh and you think you have every right to her…is that it? You’re her
mother and that’s that. Well I got news for you Doc…she is my child
too and if I choose to have her here….you better believe I have every
right.” John angrily spoke as he blocked her way from reaching the
stairs.

“No you don’t. She is mine and Roman’s…” Her words were thrown
carelessly, not even realizing what she said was so deeply wrong.

“NO…she is mine and you know that. To everyone else she is yours and
Roman’s….but WE both know…She is OURS. I don’t want to be an asshole
about this and I don’t want to make this tough but I will if you force
me too. I don’t want to hurt you or Belle…but if I have to I will do
what I have to do…to claim my rights.” Marlena’s face fell in panic as
she began to comprehend what he was trying to say.

“You bastard….you wouldn’t dare do that to me or Belle?” She raised
her voice backing away from him.

“I will if you push me…I have every right and you know I do. Now
either you listen to me and we talk this out tonight or we can do this
the hard way.” John threatened her as she froze, unable to control the
rage that built up in her. The truth was that she was scared; she
didn’t want to be alone with him…afraid she may give in to her deep
desire for him. Being alone, next to him was a big mistake and now she
was trapped and he knew it too.

“I hate you John….Get the hell out of my life!” She screamed as she
threw a throw pillow at him.

“Well you’re stuck with me now…and guess what honey? I am not leaving
until we figure something out tonight.” He smiled, knowing he had her
right where he wanted her. She turned around and looked for anything,
she was about to explode and her fury was spiraling out of control. A
framed photograph of John and Isabella caught her eye. She reached for
it and hurled it towards him, causing him to duck as she took off
towards the stairs for Brady’s room. She reached the top of the stairs
and was about to enter Brady’s room when she felt his strong arms lift
her up and carry her down the hall. Her arms swung, her hands slapped,
and her legs kicked as she shouted for him to let her go.

“Have you lost your mind Marlena? What is the matter with you?” He
yelled as he brought her to the bedroom, kicking the door closed
behind them. Placing her down on her feet, he backed up and held his
hands out; blocking the hits he began to receive.

“I almost lost my daughter tonight and you want to play games?” She
cried as she continued to throw her hands carelessly at him.

“YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!” John yelled pinning her hands to her sides as he
forced her to look at him. “That little girl belongs to us…and if you
want to deny that to yourself then go ahead….but don’t pull that shit
with me. I know the truth even if you don’t want to face it.” He
released her hands as he turned around and reached for the doorknob,
opening the door and angrily flinging it open. He felt the tears fall
from his eyes as he began to walk away, hating this situation probably
more then she did. He heard her sobs as he looked back and saw her
sitting on the bed, in the middle of her breakdown. He knew he should
have left, should have kept walking but he wanted her to
suffer….suffer as much he was. Walking back he leaned over her, asking
if this is what she wants. “Do you enjoy this Marlena! Do you?” He
shouted once more as she sobbed harder.

“Do you think I enjoy this? I hate this!!! I hate that we are caught
in the middle of this but we did this to ourselves. And you are so
selfish that you refuse to see this my way and help me.” She knew she
was so wrong….John was handling this better then any man could. He was
handling something a man should never have to do and here she was
hurling insults…she knew it was wrong but she needed someone to blame.

“I am selfish….ME! Because I want my daughter?” He asked as he grabbed
her chin and forced her to look at him. “I don’t even recognize the
woman in front of me anymore. Who are you Marlena?” She closed her
eyes as the tears fell, his hand no longer on her chin, his presence
now gone. Knowing this was the moment, she had to leave…every minute
there was getting worse. Standing up she quickly wiped her tears with
the sleeve of Roman’s sweatshirt as she sniffed back some tears. As
she reached the door, John had walked back in to grab a book, bumping
into her. She looked into his eyes for a moment, almost embarrassed to
even stare into them. She dropped her gaze when she felt his hands on
her face and the powerful force of his lips on hers. Her eyes
instantly closed as their mouths collided against one another. Her
mind was drowning in confusion, unsure of what to do. The right thing
would be to stop this, but her heart wanted this….assuring her, this
was the right thing. Suddenly her thoughts disappeared as his tongue
entered her mouth, searching for hers. Within moments, their mouths
clashed together passionately, as their tongues moved against each
other in waves, such in an erotic manner.

The feeling of her neck being bit caused her to open her eyes as she
stared at the ceiling above them. Should she stop this? Any ideas of
discontinuing were seized as felt her body thrown down on the bed,
John quickly falling above her, her mouth capturing his. The moment
became a daze, almost as if this were some unclear hazy dream. She
felt the sweatshirt come off…she felt his skin sliding across hers,
his lips on her heated flesh, his tongue between the crevice of her
breast. Utter desire and unspoken pleasure rushed through her body as
she felt his hands undo her jeans, sliding them down her hips and long
legs. Roman had not crossed her mind yet…only the mere fact that she
was married but to who was a blank.

“John….we can’t. It’s not time…There are still two weeks left.” She
gasped as she felt his hot mouth on her inner thigh.

“Then I will just have to be gentle won’t I?” He mumbled as he
continued to suck the tender skin of her inner thigh, leaving his
signature, a circular red mark. Once he finished there, his mouth
traveled to her other thigh as he repeated the same action, leaving
the mark darker then the other, purposely marking her, knowing full
well she would have to avoid Roman’s advances if she knew they were
there. If he had to leave these every week…so be it…she belonged to
him and no one else. Once that task had been accomplished, his lips
traveled to her stomach and sucked on the soft skin there before
meeting her satin covered breasts and sucking the life of the skin
above her nipple.

Reeling in want and need, she hardly realized what was happening until
she felt John’s erection rub against her bundle of nerves. Her clothes
and panties now long gone piled onto the hard wood floor along with
John’s.

“John….wait….I’m….” She stuttered before her mouth was swallowed by his.

“I’ll be gentle baby…don’t worry.” He whispered in her ear before
sucking her neck once more, loving the moan she was giving.

“No…its not…that….I’m still….” Once again she was hushed by a kiss as
she felt the tip of him enter her body, pain invading her mind.
“John…Oh God….” She breathed as she felt his teeth nip at her shoulder
and a slight groan escape him.

“It’s okay…” Was all she heard as she felt his thick muscle slip in a
bit more, knowing there was still so much more to go. This was the
figurative tip of the iceberg.

“John…I’m Still….bleed…..”

His mouth danced on hers again, trying to silence her and have her
enjoy this. “I know you are…very little but that’s ok. It’s not like
we haven’t done that before.” He smiled as he took her mouth again and
pushed in a little more, allowing her to adapt to him. She was so
tender, so soft, so warm inside….it was like moving through a hot
velvet tunnel, smoothness all around. Her slender legs curled along
his hips as she accepted him a little more this time, pleasure slowly
creeping into her body. Biting his lower lip, he shoved the rest of
him inside her as he held himself still inside her, waiting for her to
adapt to the thickness and length. Her whimper filled the room as well
his ears as he proudly smiled while slowly moving his hips back and
forth. Within seconds, his pace began to pick up, as their bodies
clung to each other. A thin black sheet draped along his lower body
and moved along with his rhythm as his wave like movements clashed
into her hips. Their hands were intertwined, hovering over their heads
and onto the pillow as their movement became hurried. Back and forth,
up and down, his mouth traveled from her mouth to her breasts and then
to her neck.

Her soft whimpers were music to his ears and only encouraged him to
move faster throughout her body, determined to please her. Her sudden
stiffness signaled her climax approaching and he began to make short
fast thrusts, forcing the tip of his penis to hit her back wall. Her
legs wrapped around him tightly as her whimpers turned to passionate
groans as her body began to flush. The room went black as an explosion
of thousands of bright white lights filled her sight. The orgasm so
intense, that her muscles squeezed John so incredibly hard, he froze,
scared to move for a moment. Her cries were heard throughout the room,
but soon silenced by his mouth as his thrusts began once again, faster
then before. The bed pounded against the wall, the black sheet now
draped below his thighs and his pants now audible. Thank God Brady’s
room was further down…Belle shouldn’t awake from her parent’s cries of
passion. As if on cue, John’s final moments were interrupted just as
Marlena finished the last of her orgasm. Cries of Belle filled their
room as Marlena’s eyes shot open while John stopped for a moment.
Wanting to finish, knowing it was right there, he forced Marlena back
down. She quickly pushed him away as she unraveled her legs from his
body and grabbed the sheet from the bed, wrapping it around her and
running down the hall. John groaned as he slipped on his boxers and
took off after her. Once he reached the room, he watched as Marlena
held Belle to her chest, smoothing her soft baby hair back and
watching as she fell back asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Returning to the room, John noticed all the marks he left on her body,
knowing Marlena could not even attempt to undress in front of Roman.
For a moment he was proud until Marlena walked in front of his dresser
and looked in the mirror.

“Jesus Christ!” Was all he heard

Chapter 7- And heaven’s there for those

Who fool the tricks of time.
Tell me not in mournful numbers,
“Life is but an empty dream!”
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.
–Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The trouble of childhoods, of any childhood is that there is no statue
of limitation on memories. Good or bad, memories sustain themselves
into elusive patterns that shift intricately as the years progress.
Every one born of this Earth begins somewhere, in the womb of their
mother—suspended in time, where fear subsides and the only viable
emotion is love. Roman counted those beliefs in his reasoning; John
had a beginning and Roman was determined to find it. Motivated by
selfish fortitude, Roman’s meticulous research over the past two years
led him to the distinct city of New Orleans, Louisiana—on legendary
Plantation Row along the Mississippi river banks. He’d left Salem
armed with two vital pieces of information: a name and an address.
Keys to John’s past, keys to freeing John’s hold on his wife and
family. Mira LeMoyne.

“This ghost chase of yours… Roman… I’m worried,” was Abe’s reply
when Roman discussed his plans with Abe before his departure.

He dismissed Abe’s doubt, “Partner… I have to do this. He can’t be
as black and white as he seems. There is something out there to be
found. I’m going to find it.” He was immovable in the journey to
John’s past. Repercussions would have to be dealt accordingly; his
family would have to understand.

He’d flown into New Orleans two days ago, renting a room in the French
quarter above an all night watering hole. Throwing the LeMoyne name
around with the local drinkers drew no bites. He decided after his
first day in town that he needed a cover. He assumed the identity of a
distant LeMoyne cousin searching for his mother’s cousin Mira LeMoyne.
As Oscar Picquet, Roman gained an entrance into the moneyed society of
New Orleans historical families. Meeting Raysa Bordeaux proved
advantageous to Roman’s search.

Raysa Bordeaux was a middle-aged woman—Creole by her admission—who was
the unauthorized gate keeper of New Orleans secrets. Roman met her in
the courtyard of her café in the French Quarter. The large dining area
of Raysa’s was a square courtyard encased in beautiful wrought iron
gates. The scents of the city danced in the thick, muggy air; they
were fragrant, sensual aromas of azaleas and magnolias.

“There is no place on Earth quite like New Orleans… and frankly
quite like the Quarters,” Raysa said inhaling on the end of her slim
cigarette. Her accent was thick and southern; her dialect very slow
and direct. “Mr. Picquet…”

“Call me Oscar,” Roman corrected her seductively. He was caught up in
the nature of the city, the seductive nature of its people.

Raysa raised her perfectly arched eyebrow, “I’m calling bull…
Oscar… kind sir I was not born yesterday. What do you want with Mrs.
LeMoyne?”

Roman called her bet. He leaned forward, settling his elbows on the
table between them. “Her. I want to talk to her.”

“Do you mean her harm?” Raysa asked examining his face carefully.
“She’s had enough pain to last more than our lifetime’s combined.
Mira’s a beautiful soul… she always has been—I’m getting ahead of
myself here. For some reason I feel as if I can trust you Mr.…?”

“Roman Brady,” he said pulling her hand to his poised mouth. “Captain
of the Salem P.D… I’m not here to harm Mrs. LeMoyne… I think we
can help each other.”

“Help her? How so?”

“Deal breaker Mrs. Bordeaux… I’m not exactly sure. I’m trying to
solve a thirty-year old mystery… I’m trying to help a friend of mine
back home, with finding his identity. I think Mrs. LeMoyne is somehow
apart of that identity.”

“How so?”

“I’m not entirely sure. My research pointed to New Orleans, as well as
the LeMoyne name. Mrs. Mira LeMoyne. There is no further information
regarding her in our systems.”

“There won’t be. She lives the life of a saint… in that mansion on
the hill. Mira LeMoyne is the closet thing we have to Mother Teresa.
She’s been widowed for years.”

Roman was intrigued. “Children?”

Sadness overcame Raysa’s face with Roman’s question. She answered
solemnly, “There was a child a long time ago… sadly the child
disappeared. It was devastating to Mira and her husband. He died soon
after the child’s disappearance. She never speaks of that child or her
husband anymore.”

“Why is that?”

“It’s impolite to speak of the dead,” Raysa said tilting her porcelain
tea cup to her lips.

“Do you remember what the sex of their child was?”

“No I don’t,” she said dismissively. “Mira’s moved on. Let the past be
the past.”

“Will you take me to see her?” Roman asked Raysa, watching her
struggle with curiosity and loyalty.

“Mr. Brady, Mira LeMoyne is not the woman you’re looking for. Even if
she were, she’s not that person anymore. Her life has changed and I
don’t think she would appreciate having her past dug around in,
especially by a stranger who deceives people.”

Raysa politely tipped her head toward Roman before excusing herself.
Roman watched her saunter back through the courtyard. He silently
apologized for his intrusion and decided then that seeing Mira LeMoyne
was the only thing he could do. “The past is never the past.” He
reminded himself.

********
Raysa’s description of the LeMoyne estate paled in comparison to the
actual estate itself. A large white home, built in early Greek
architecture sat in the center of 35 acres of sprawling grass. An
oak-lined drive led to the front of the palatial home, large oaks with
wide spans of green and brown leaves hovered above the dirt road
leading to the circular court at the foot of the towering stairs of
the entrance. Large columns extended from the third floor of the house
to base of the antiquated wrap-around porch.

Roman took a breath, got out of the car, and climbed the stairs two at
a time. A thin veil of sweat layered Roman’s forehead. He wiped his
skin quickly with the back of his hand. Before ringing the doorbell,
he took another glimpse of the land surrounding the house. In the tall
grass fields beyond the house, the image of a small blonde child
caught his eye. Blonde curls flailed carelessly in the wind as the
child disappeared into the grassy fields.

“Hello Sir.”

Roman turned to see a beautiful woman with dark heavy hair cascading
around her shoulders and intense eyes of indigo encased in almond
frames staring unapologetically at him. She was standing at the top of
the stairs.

“Hello, I’m sorry to intrude…” Roman said trying to regain his
composure. There was something the child that attacked his senses,
something familiar about the place. He climbed the stairs cautiously.
“I’m Roman,” He said extending his arm to the older woman.

“I’ve been warned,” Mira LeMoyne said. A warm smile creased her mouth
as she pulled Roman’s arm and welcomed him into her home. “I am the
woman you have been searching for Roman.” Her accent was unique, not
entirely southern, and not entirely American. She struck Roman as
aristocratic with her long free style hair and European accent.

Mira offered Roman a seat in the parlor of her home. Raysa’s phone
call had come only that morning. She could remember only his first
name, Roman. A gentleman of remarkable manners was Raysa’s
description. He was handsome as Raysa had also mentioned but Mira
recognized more than his handsomeness when she’d opened the door to
find him standing there. He had a confident manner, Mira decided, not
arrogance but a confidence that was apparent in the comfortable way he
sat in the chair across form her, visually surveying the room.

The room was non-distinct in terms of family pictures and mementos.
“There is no past or history here,” Mira said craning her neck. “We
only live in the day to day now.”

“Now… you didn’t always Mrs. LeMoyne,” Roman asked. “We all have a past.”

“Of course, some more painful than others. You don’t seem like your
old enough to have a past Roman.”

“Looks can be deceiving Mrs. LeMoyne. No one can escape pain.”

“Touché… and now if I can inquire without showing rudeness, what are
you searching for?”

“I believe I’m looking for you,” Roman told Mira straightening his
posture in the chair. “I believe that we can help each other.” Roman
had conjectured practically all night in his hotel room about the
possibility that he had solved the greatest mystery of his life. He
hoped Mira LeMoyne could be who he needed her to be, the piece of
John, no matter how distant the relation that would free him from
needing his family so much. When the story of John being Forrest
Alamain surfaced Roman was sure that it was all false, manufactured by
Stefano. He hadn’t believed anything about the story; instead, Roman
bid his time and researched until he was satisfied.

He reached into his jacket packet and pulled out a photograph of John
and Marlena. Handing the photograph to Mira, he waited and watched for
her response. Her reaction was slow. Touching the picture with her
fingertips, she traced the outlines of both John and Marlena.
Speechless; a mist gradually saturated her eyes. She looked up and
Roman saw the long-buried sadness in her face.

“You recognize him?” he asked hopeful, taking her hand into his.

Mira struggled with words, “I’m not certain… this could be him… my son
John.” She scanned the picture again, clutching her chest with her
tiny hand. “I know this woman… Samantha.”

Roman shook his head, “This is my wife Marlena Evans… and John Black.”

Mira stood and walked to the other side of the room. “Roman, is this a
game? Stefano… is this about Stefano?”

Roman leapt up to defend himself, piqued by her familiar use of
Stefano’s name, he stepped in front Mira. “No… I’m Roman Brady…
Stefano’s my arch nemesis. He was… he’s dead.”

The color drained from Mira’s face. She held the picture up again and
then looked to Roman. “Wait… you’re a Brady?”

“Yes.”

“Shawn Brady.”

“My father?”

“Oh my… I need to sit down Roman. Give me a minute.” She said sitting
again. She held onto the picture securely, going over the
impossibility of the moment. The impossibility that John was alive,
that Samantha was married to John or had been, and that Shawn Brady’s
son was standing in her parlor.

Roman sat beside Mira, draping his arm around her shoulders. “I’ll
tell you everything you want to know. I don’t mean to upset you. I’m
simply trying to right a wrong that happened years ago.”

“This can’t be true.” Mira said in disbelief. “Samantha and John…
Marlena as you call her. Amelia…” she said cupping her mouth.

“Who is Amelia?” Roman prodded.

“Sam… Marlena’s daughter. Her little girl.”

Chapter 8- The Way You Make Me Feel (NC-17)

For My Lover, Returning to His Wife
She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.
She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.
……..
I give you back your heart.
I give you permission—
……..
As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.
–Anne Sexton

Marlena shuddered awake. She squinted to adjust her eyes to the
darkness shadowing the bedroom. Grogginess permeating her mind, she
momentarily forgot where she was. Marlena eyed the room closely,
remembering why her pile of clothes was strewn around John’s bed. She
recoiled against John’s body causing him to stir from the tranquility
of sleep.

“I had the most amazing dream,” John whispered at the nape of her
neck, touching her skin lightly with his mouth.

She shifted in the bed, turning around in John’s arms. Looping her
arms around his waist, she nestled into his chest relishing the
closeness between them. “That wasn’t a dream.” Marlena said tracing
John’s back seductively. In his arms there was no world to contend
with. There were no harsh judgments; they were silenced. There was no
right or wrong; there was simply an undeniable love. She was able to
forget, even if only momentarily about Roman and all the complications
of her life. Making love to John always had an amnesiac effect on
Marlena’s senses. He was a masterful manipulator of her body—part
experience, and partly the sensuality of John’s nature. With the
connection of any part of John’s body Marlena lost all resolve and
correctness; she was a woman in love. Love makes things happen.

“Belle? Is she still asleep” John inquired pulling Marlena’s body closer.

“Yes. Her breathing is fine. She’s just fine.” Marlena assured John,
chuckling lightly to herself as she recalled the events after Belle’s
timing had left John frustrated, unsatisfied, and yearning for more of
Marlena. She’d soothed Belle with a lullaby before rushing back to
John. Passing her reflection in the mirror had shocked her speechless.
She examined John’s handiwork: love marks trailing intimate parts of
her skin. Before she could say any angry words, John slipped from the
bed and lifted her back to the mattress. He whispered seductive words
that sent butterflies flittering through her stomach. He silenced her
with the joys of unhindered passion, sealing their fates as one…
finishing a journey he’d started. He’d kissed her from head to toe, in
slow and tantalizing movements that sent chills up her spine. Reaching
her stomach, he laid his head on the soft flesh that had carried their
child for nine months—kissing her, teasing her skin with sweeps of his
tongue. Marlena watched him through hooded eyes, drunk with the
intoxication of his lovemaking, tightening her grip on the sheets that
she locked through her fingers. Unable to control herself, she moaned
low, rasping sounds that made John smile in spite of himself. He
crawled up the length of her bare, sweat soaked body in deliberate,
measure moves. Marlena pulled his mouth to her, crushing anxiously
against his lips. Kissing with their eyes locked in a forceful meeting
heightened Marlena’s need for John. “Now John… now honey,” she
mumbled close to his ear sucking delicately on his lobes. “So soon?
Are you sure?” Marlena responded using her tongue to trail from his
ear to the hard skin beneath his lip. John’s rugged stubble nicked the
skin along her chin in the friction between their unending
connection—skin-to-skin, heart-to-heart, and soul-to-soul. Marlena
broke their contact to move from beneath John. She eased across his
muscular thighs, straddling them. She wanted him to feel every
possible pleasure, in the same way that he’d unselfishly done for her.
Their bodies melded into one as she mounted him gently. The connection
was intense; an overwhelming sense of being intimately imprisoned with
the man who made her feel as if she could be undone by her loss of
him. John braced Marlena’s hips, guiding her body at a slow sensual
rhythm. He watched her face cringe in pain and pleasure. Her eyes
closing heavily, sweeping her hair from her shoulder, Marlena
encircled John’s neck. “I love you so much,” she moaned into his ear,
quickening the desperate rhythm of their lovemaking. Marlena’s voice
was so slow and raspy that John could barely concentrate. In a swift
move, John lifted Marlena and laid her back on the bed. “Honey…”
John ignored her. He moved to her center, entering her again with a
desperate energy. She wrapped her legs around John’s middle and fell
back against the bed inebriated by the relentless ecstasy of John’s
anxious thrusting inside her. He held her possessively, thrusting
possessively in the path to both their rapture. She felt the sensation
lift her into an unspeakable, unsayable place in her mind and body,
crashing waves of extreme gratification flowed through her body. John
continued thrusting until the intensity of her body sealing him inside
of her sent him on his own journey, finishing what he’d started and
their daughter had interrupted.

Marlena felt warm remembering the experience. She faced John again,
touching his chin with her finger. “When I’m with you like this…
alone… I feel so at peace.”

John swallowed hard, “It can always be like this baby. I love you.
This is what it’s supposed to be… you and me. The kids.”

She covered his mouth with her hand, “Don’t honey. I don’t want to
argue. I just want to enjoy this time with you.”

John nipped the palm of her hand playfully, “Whatever you say Doc…
I’m your love slave.”

“John,” she said blushing.

“Face it honey I bring out the animal in you,” he told her smiling his
most contagious smile. A smile Marlena could see Belle having.

“You shouldn’t have done this though,” she said scrutinizing her inner
thighs. The redness was gradually dissipating.

“Or this,” he said kissing another bruise on her lower back.

“John… what am I going to tell…” she paused, watching John’s face
falter at the hint of Roman’s name. She kissed him instead and
snuggled closer into his chest. Twisting the curly black hairs between
her fingers, she felt the beating of his heart drumming against the
taut walls of his chest.

“Doc… I need to ask you something.”

“Hmm…”

“Did you make love to Roman… with Belle—while you were pregnant?”

Her body tensed up involuntarily. It was too much to respond
immediately; the possibility of her lying to John was unimaginable.
Her hesitation caused John to grab her chin and tilt her face upward;
pulling her from the inward place she tended to go when she was
frightened. “John don’t ask me things like that… it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry honey… I can’t help myself. I just want you to be
mine—fully. I don’t enjoy sharing you.”

“Let’s not do this,” she begged in a hushed voice. “In a couple of
hours we’ll be back in the same place we have been… please let’s not
talk about things like this.”

“I won’t pressure you… not anymore.” He said, relaxing against her.
“I’m going to enjoy you being here with me. Our baby healthy and safe
down the hall… and you next to me…” he kissed her forehead. “This
is my idea of perfection.”

“Good. I’m happy here with you. I really am John,” she said sadly.
“There is nothing more I want in my life than to make you happy. I
would give anything to make you believe how much I love you and want
to be with you. It’s just not practical sweetheart.”

“Us being in love has never been practical baby. Don’t you remember
what we were like in the beginning?”

Marlena smiled, “how could I forget that… I’ve been in love with you
ever since the beginning.”

“Does that make you ashamed?”

“No,” she said unwaveringly, “I’m not ashamed of you. I love you. I’ve
always loved you.”

“What does that mean Doc? You love me but you can’t be with me…” he
said trying to understand. “I don’t want to pressure you… that’s not
what this is about honey. But you know what happens… you and I
belong together. You belong to me.”

She didn’t deny his proclamation. He was absolutely right; Marlena
knew that. She was not as brave as John; being in his arms is what
gave her the strength she needed. But without him, she couldn’t face
Roman and what Belle’s paternity would do to them, to their marriage.
“John, think about the children… our children. Their as much yours
as they are mine. You raised them when Roman and I couldn’t be there.”

“Doc.”

“John, listen to me honey. I’m not strong enough to deal with this.
Not yet. I just had a baby…” she said while simultaneously realizing
the conviction of her words. “Oh man, John it’s too soon… it hasn’t
been six weeks.”

John couldn’t help the smile that brightened his face.

“It’s not funny,” Marlena cried sitting up in bed. “How could I be so careless?”

“Baby, I’m sorry.”

She dropped her head in her hands, praying for one more reprieve.
“John I can’t do this… I should have been more careful.”

“There’s a chance that you didn’t get pregnant… don’t worry. Come
here.” He said pulling her back to the mattress beside him.

“John, no.”

“Doc… I was just getting used to you not rejecting me. Remember this
is our time.”

She sighed and fell back against him, hugging him tightly. “I didn’t
make love with Roman after we found out about Belle. I was so confused
about you and me that I couldn’t.” She admitted unprovoked. “I do love
you. My heart knows that.”

“I love you too baby. You’re the only family I’ve ever had besides
Belle and Brady. I won’t make you chose… I’ll be here whenever you
need me, okay?”

She nodded silently.

Chapter 9- And All The While Inside I Knew

I wait for my story— the birds cannot sing it,
Not one as he sits on the tree;
The bells cannot ring it, but long years, O bring it!
Such as I wish it to be.
— Jean Ingelow

“The truth is one of the hardest things to take hold of Roman,” Mira
LeMoyne said taking Roman’s hand. “Let’s get some fresh air… it’s
become rather stuffy.”

Roman graciously obliged following Mira as she led him toward the back
courtyard of the house. The span of land stretched for acres across
meticulously manicured grass, ceasing at the edge of the bank of a
small body of murky water. “This is what God intended to be called
beautiful,” Mira said over Roman’s shoulder. Her voice collided with
the echoes of birds humming melodiously through the air. She beckoned
Roman to a brick pathway, leading him to her prized garden well hidden
beneath a wooden lattice. Mira dropped to her knees. “This is the
flower I’ve been cultivating…” she clipped a pale rose, the color of a
golden touched hue and handed it to Roman. “I call this Amelia.” She
said as Roman helped her back to her feet.

“The small blonde in the field,” Roman recalled. “Amelia.”

“Yes, that was Amelia.” Mira said watching his reaction. She was
trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together; to see if Roman had a
connection to Amelia. “Samantha… or as I knew her… Amelia is
Samantha’s daughter.”

Roman pressed his mouth into a straight line. “How old is the child?”
He questioned distantly.

“Nearly five years old.”

“Oh Doc…” he said running his fingers through his hair.

“Roman, you’ll forgive me if I skip the small talk… this John Black,”
Mira said seeing the picture of John in her mind’s eye. Indigo eyes
staring omnisciently at her; the familiar bone structure, much like
her own; the angular chin and pointy nose of her LeMoyne lineage; dark
hair and features, “I think your John Black is my son John Christopher
LeMoyne.”

“Perhaps…” Roman said himself already convinced.

“It’s been nearly thirty years but I think I’d know him anywhere.
Every day since his disappearance, I’ve wondered would I know him…
could I pick him out in a crowd. I know now that I could. That’s my
son Roman.” She said convincingly. “I don’t know what he has to do
with Samantha or why you’re here… but I do know that I gave birth to
John Christopher LeMoyne. John Black is my son.”

Roman helped Mira sit on a bench in the coolness of the garden. He
took the seat next to her, wringing his hands together in front of
him. “This is all confusing to me… we’ll sort this out together.
First, we have to start with the person responsible for all of this:
Stefano Dimera. You mentioned his name. What’s the association?”

Mira turned directly to look at Roman. “I was in love with Stefano
Dimera… a long time ago. I loved him until he made it impossible for
me to anymore… until I made it impossible for him to love me anymore.
I think I knew a different man—a kinder, gentler man who was
infatuated with the world. We’re one in the same. We were anyway…” her
voice trailed off into a distant tone that made Roman pay closer
attention to her.

Her touched her hand, “I don’t know that Stefano. He’s always been an
evil son of a bitch.”

“Not always,” Mira said quietly. “The Stefano I knew was the most
caring man in the world. He would do anything in the world to keep me
safe. It’s hard to explain the way certain people change the way you
view the world. I think we did that for each other. As life happens,
we lost contact and then we found each other again… I was married to
my husband Emory. It broke Stefano’s heart.”

“What did he do?”

“Pursued me… threatened me. I regrettably allowed myself to be taken
in by his persuasions. We had an affair that I quickly put an end to.”

“Is Stefano John’s father?”

Mira shook her head, something held back and uncomfortable colored her
face, “no. Stefano is not John’s father. I had a hard time convincing
him otherwise. I think I understand… Stefano’s the reason I lost John
all those years ago.”

“How did you lose John?”

“He vanished… there was no trace of him anywhere. He was sixteen years
old,” Mira’s memory evoked the image of her teenage son as she spoke,
“a tall, lanky kid who was my shadow. It was my fault that we were so
close, after Emory’s death he was all I had. I think I expected to
lose him… I knew it somewhere inside my heart that he would be gone.
I’d given up hope in ever seeing him again. The last time I saw John
was in my bedroom… he’d come in to say goodnight as usual. He was
excited about finally going away… I was sending him to Europe to visit
with my sister. It was to be his first trip away from home—away from
me. I kissed him goodnight… the next morning he was gone.”

“You never saw him again…”

“No.”

“Mira as unbelievable as this is… John is alive. I believe that John
Black is your son John LeMoyne. Stefano’s had him under his thumb
since his disappearance. I don’t know how or what caused it but John
has no recollection of his life prior to coming to Salem.”

“When did he come to Salem?”

“Almost ten years ago. The story is long and twisted… just know that
Stefano is the reason you lost your son.”

“Bastard.”

“And also the reason I lost my wife… Marlena,” he finished.

“My Samantha,” Mira said sweeping hair from her face. “Your Marlena.”

“Yes… how is it that you think Marlena is Samantha?”

“That’s what she called herself when she was here,” Mira explained
watching Roman’s face twist in perplexity. “I took care of her… I
helped her deliver Amelia.”

“Wait, Doc gave birth here?”

“Yes… it was a hard birth. Amelia almost didn’t make it. Why do you
call Samantha Doc?”

“First off, she’s not Samantha Mira… her name is Dr. Marlena Evans
Brady. She is a psychiatrist in Salem. She’s also the mother of my
children… three of my children. Samantha was her twin sister who was
murdered.”

Mira’s mouth dropped, “murdered?”

“She was killed years ago.”

“She came here to the house in the dead of night, pregnant and
frightened. I didn’t know what to do… I wanted to call the police but
she refused. She was running away from something… or someone.”

“Stefano.”

“Stefano?”

“He’s been torturing my wife for years. He brainwashed your son into
thinking that he was me in order to get to Marlena.”

“Roman I’m confused.”

“It’s natural… but what about Doc? How did she seem when she was here?”

“Frightened. She gave birth to Amelia two months after coming here…
and six weeks after she was born, Saman… I’m sorry Marlena
disappeared. I didn’t know what to do with Amelia. I didn’t want to
see her raised in some stranger’s home… and so I decided to adopt her.
While your wife was here, she recuperated from whatever pain she was
in, emotionally. I think she really believed she was Samantha, Roman.
Whatever happened to her made her want to become someone else.”

Roman realized the clarity of Mira’s last words, “She couldn’t
possibly know that she has a child here.”

“She was pretty attached to Amelia during those first weeks. Doting on
her—she was vigilant about protecting Amelia. It’s why I’m so
protective of her still.” Mira said proudly looking across the yard,
spotting Amelia’s head bobbing in and out of sight. “Roman, could
Stefano be Amelia’s father?”

Roman shook his head sadly, resigned to the truth. “Doc was married to
John when she disappeared.”

“John?”

“Yes… Amelia’s your granddaughter. You’ve been raising John and
Marlena’s daughter Mira.” Roman confessed feeling a jealousy searing
his conscious. The very thing he’d wanted to do was rid John from his
life; he was going to bring this child back to her parents: Doc and
John. They would forever be connected.

“I want to go to Salem…” Mira told Roman

Chapter 10- Lying Here Next To You

“Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even
To suffer; than to remain a dupe to
Illusions all one’s life.”
–Kate Chopin

Marlena touched the empty space beside her, “John… honey.”

John walked back into the bedroom with Belle in his arms, “We’re here
baby. Belle wanted her daddy to come and rescue her from that mean old
darkness.”

Marlena sat up in the bed, securing the sheet around her nakedness;
looking from John to Belle, knowing that this moment would pass soon
and she would be confronted with the reality of her life. John climbed
into bed and lay Belle between them.

“Doc this little girl is so perfect.” John said watching Belle in
fascination. The idea that he and Marlena had created such a perfect
angel amazed John. “We haven’t done this in a long time.”

“What,” Marlena asked lessening the space between she and Belle.

“Lay in bed with the kids… remember Saturday mornings with the
twinners. Sami refused to let Eric near you. She would turn down the
corners of her little mouth and poke out her lips until Eric was
safely away from you.” John said mimicking Sami’s pout.

“I do remember that. That’s my girl… she knows what she wants. Eric
has always been the peacemaker in this family.”

“Yes he has. After you died… after we thought you died, he was the
cheerleader for the family. In our sadness, my sadness I lost some
part of myself… the part of me that was so deeply connected to you.
Eric forced us to be happy for you… he said Daddy she’s in a happy
place now.”

Marlena’s head sunk to her chest; the grief her family suffered
angered and saddened her. “I’m so sorry you all had to go through any
pain. If I had a choice I would never have gone anywhere.”

“I know that Doc. The kids know that too.”

“Do they? I hope so. I hope they know that I regret all the time I
missed with them. All the funny stories, vacations, and holidays… I
wanted to be there.” She said brushing the hair on Belle’s head with
the tips of her fingers.

“Doc, if you were able you would have.”

“I know… John I’m never going to let Belle be without me… not like I
was when the other children were babies. I’ll never be able to make
that time up with them.”

“You can now. They love you sweetheart. They also understand that you
being gone was not your choice.”

“It makes me wonder what happened to me when I was away from you all.
I understand how you feel now… not knowing things about your own life.
It’s frightening.” Marlena said shutting her eyes tightly.

“Baby, I don’t need to know what I was before I met you. I have you
and that’s all I need. It’s all I’ve ever needed.”

“John, you don’t wonder about the Alamain family and what really
happened to you.”

He shook his gently, “No. I don’t care. The first day of my life was
seeing you… loving you has replenished my need to feel apart of
something. You allowed me to love you; to become apart of this family
without judgments… even now—I’ll always love you for that.”

Marlena leaned over Belle, kissing John tenderly in the shadows.
“Remember all those years ago… when we thought you were Roman still. I
wanted so much to give you a baby again. I wanted to give you all the
time you missed with the twins when we’d thought you disappeared.”

“I wanted that too. We tried for that,” he said sarcastically, “and
tried and tried.”

Marlena shoved him lightly, “yes we did. I think it would have been
different if we’d had a baby then. A legitimate testament of how much
I love you. A child with your dark hair and beautiful eyes…”

“What about your beautiful eyes,” he asked twirling the ends of her
hair between his fingers. “Belle’s going to be as beautiful just like
her mommy. She’s going to be wise, kind, and gentle… and she’s going
to know how much her parents loved her. Doc we can’t raise her in this
denial.” He looked at his daughter lying between himself and the woman
he loved. She would always be their connection; Belle was the bridge
between their past and their future. “It is against my very nature to
deny my child… you realize that Doc.”

“I know honey,” Marlena said sighing heavily. “I can’t ask you to do
that. I’m asking just you to let me work this out on my own. Belle’s
not going anywhere. After Roman gets home, we’ll gauge the situation…
and see how we can work this out.”

“Doc, I don’t think that you will.” He said honestly. “Roman has a
hold over you. As long as you’re with him, you’ll never be free to
admit the truth about us or Belle.”

“Your right,” she agreed. “I feel like I owe him so much. Roman risked
his life to come back to a life that didn’t belong to him anymore.
We’d moved on… without him. We replaced him.”

“You replaced him?”

“Yes, I replaced him. I made it possible for the Brady’s to replace
him, the police station… all because I brought you back to them and
said this is Roman Brady—the man I love. They would never have
believed it otherwise.”

“Doc, you didn’t know baby. Everything was laid out so that you would
believe I was Roman.”

“I knew,” she admitted in a tiny voice. “I knew you were different. I
couldn’t help myself. I wanted to love you… I still can’t help
myself.” She said turning to face him. No judgment or pain stared
back; he eyed her with only love. “I’m glad you didn’t leave that day…
that you didn’t take Brady and leave Salem. I don’t how I could have
survived it. John, I can’t survive not loving you in some capacity. I
thought I could move on… I thought I had when you married Isabella and
had Brady. It was painful to watch you happy with them.”

“Sweetheart, don’t…”

“No, it’s okay… I understand that you had to move on. I wanted you to
be happy. I still want you to be happy. Don’t you know that I would do
anything to make you happy?”

“Except leave Roman?”

“Don’t ask me to do that… not now. You know Roman’s really intimidated
by your presence. He’s knows me so well… I think that’s why he asked
me to stay away from you.”

“If you were mine I would ask the same thing of you. I cringe every
time I see him kiss you Doc. I can’t stand the thought of Roman
touching you.”

“John, I should probably get home,” she said suddenly, shifting their
conversation. “Roman could call and wonder where we are.”

“He hasn’t called in two days… I’m sure he won’t tonight. Give me
tonight with you and my daughter. Please,” he said running his finger
down the span of her chin.

“Oh John… we can’t.”

“We already have. Brady’s with Victor and Belle’s here. The girls are
safe. All is well in the world. It’s okay… I promise you that it’ll be
all right. Now come on and get some rest. Lay down,” he instructed
her. He laid back down securing Belle in the place between them. John
reached for Marlena’s hand intertwining their fingers together.
“Goodnight baby,” he told Belle leaning over to kiss her head.

“John?”

“Yea sweetheart.”

She whispered in a shaky voice, “Promise me that nothing I ever do or
say will come between us… that’ll you’ll always understand where I’m
coming from even when I don’t. I can’t explain why I feel the things I
do for you… or why I keep breaking my marriage vows. The best way I
can describe this is that my heart is at war with itself. I don’t want
to hurt anyone—not you or Roman. I love you both very much. I just
want you to know that.”

“I love you too. Don’t worry. We’ll work this out.”

Chapter 11- This Woman’s Work

“And if I tried
To give you something else,
Something outside myself,
You would not know
That the worst of anyone
Can be, finally,
An accident of hope.”
— Anne Sexton
~For John, Who Begs Me Not To Enquire Further~ **U gotta love that title**

Twilight filtered through the windows of the Brady home; an ambiance
consisting of a strange, somber regard spirited itself around her,
enveloping her senses. She was sad and lonely, symptoms of leaving
John, deceptively so—sneaking away in the dawn of a new day; taking
Belle from her safe place at John’s side and bringing her back to the
only home she’d ever known in her small vessel of time on this Earth.
She’d crept as a thief in the night around the loft, searching for
every piece of any confirmation of the night she’d spent with John.
When she was satisfied and fully dressed, she slipped into the
elevator with Belle and downstairs to the waiting cab. She left no
notes or affirmations; her heart was still torn, still warring within
herself.

The house was lifeless and dark when she’d walked into the door, half
expecting Roman to be sitting, waiting for her… waiting for an
explanation of her whereabouts. He was not there; no one was there.
She tried to appreciate the solitude. She spent countless hours
watching Belle, playing, and holding her closely. After a light
supper, she drew a bath and climbed with Belle into the soapy water.
Belle relaxed against her chest in the water, making Marlena smile.
She was such a serene presence; and she was finding her way around
this new world. At nearly a month, Belle was following her mother’s
voice with her eyes, and responding instantly to the slightest touch
from Marlena. She had never had the chance to be at such peace with
the twins. Chaos and uncertainty converged on their lives from the
moment that they squirmed from Marlena’s body; Roman’s death and her
disappearances made it impossible to be the kind of mother that she
wanted, needed to be for the twins.

She’d always wanted to be like her own mother: an ever present force
in her life. She could remember waking up to her mother’s face each
morning. Mama—as she called her—kneeling between the double beds that
she and Sam slept in throughout their childhood, at their bedside
stroking their faces tenderly until their sleep was broken. She would
kiss her forehead gently, sweeping her hair from her face with the
soft caress of her touch and pull Marlena into her arms. This kind of
love and devotion propelled Marlena into becoming a doctor. Her mother
managed to guide her into utilizing the natural abilities that Marlena
possessed. She missed that in her life, having her mother so close;
she missed having people who she didn’t have to fully explain things
to—they could look at her and just know what she couldn’t say. She’d
had that connection with Samantha. She missed Samantha… and she felt
the old pain harden again, as she looked at the clock and realized
that it was the hour of mourning; it was twilight. She always missed
her sister at twilight. She couldn’t explain why the pain and loss
struck her at the odd hour the Sun’s departure west, but she felt it.
Time never lessens the pain; grief never fully disappears.

She looked to Belle again, searching for pieces of her family in her
little girl. After Sam’s death, Martha had assured Marlena that Sam
would never die as long as Marlena never forgot to think of her; she
told her that memories are forever. She wondered if Belle would have
the natural spunk that Sam possessed in spades. If she would have
dreams as big as the world once she grew into the woman she would
become. Belle would have the golden hair of both her mother and aunt,
and their small, delicate hands; Marlena realized tracing Belle’s hand
structure. Holding Belle’s hand to her mouth, she felt a calming
spirit enter the room. The force of its presence lifting her hair from
her shoulders, she looked vigilantly towards the direction of the
wind. Everything became still around her. She closed her eyes and a
name she hadn’t whispered in a long time escaped her lips, “Sam.” An
inner voice, sounding as identical to Marlena as Sam had, resounded in
her ear, “I’m always with you… I’ll always be with you.” A peace
surrounded Marlena and she allowed herself to surrender to it. “You’ll
know what you have to do when you have to do it. There is nothing in
this life that happens without reason; there are no mistakes. Loss and
pain come as a way to build and not to always destroy.” Marlena
silently answering, cried inwardly, “I lost you. I lost DJ.” The
presence neared Marlena, and it was if comforting arms draped
themselves around her shoulders. “You haven’t lost me. We’ll never be
lost to you. We’re always in here.” Marlena felt as if someone covered
her chest with the palm of their hand. “You have to follow your heart;
you have to learn that happiness is not always about what other people
want… it’s also about what you want and what makes you happy. In the
next couple of months, you’ll be struck with so many new things and
people—nothing will ever be the same again… but you have to go through
this storm with the strength and courage that you have inside of you.
Remember that you’re never alone. We’ll never be separated… believe me
Marlie. I’ve always loved you… and I’ll keep loving you.” Marlena’s
eyes blinked open suddenly. She touched Belle, looking around the room
in bewilderment. On Belle’s face was a tiny smile, one that reminded
Marlena strongly of both DJ and Samantha.
“Mom,” Sami called out, coming through the kitchen door. “No pancakes…
only toast and juice.”

Marlena rolled her eyes, “Sami that’s not food. You have to eat.” She
peeled the last pancake from the skillet and placed it on the plate on
the counter. “Now eat.” Marlena demanded, setting the plate down on
the kitchen table.

“Mom, I can’t.”

“Come on, you have time.” She said checking her wrist. “If you miss
the bus I’ll take you to school,” she offered, craning her neck to the
side. “What time does the bus come anyway?”

Sami chuckled, “in fifteen minutes Mom.” Sami forked a small piece of
pancake into her mouth. It was an act of kindness, truly. “Mom, did
you read the package? I don’t think this is done.”

“Oh come Sami, I can make a pancake,” she said dividing a piece of
pancake with Sami’s fork. “Maybe not…” she said swallowing the mushy
substance. “Sorry honey, your mama’s not Julia Childs.”

“Who,” Sami asked standing to dump her plate down the disposal.

“Never mind honey. Are you all set? You have your pack back?”

“Yes. Oh, I almost forgot,” Sami said rushing from the room. Marlena
heard her footsteps thundering up the staircase.

“Sami?” She called at the bottom of the stairs.

“Coming mom,” she said running down the stairs. “I almost forgot…
daddy called while you were in the shower.”

“Roman called?” Marlena asked anxiously. “What did he say honey?”

“He’d be home tonight.” Sami informed her happily. “I missed him this time.”

“So did I honey,” she said absent-mindedly. “What time did your daddy
say he’d be coming in?”

Sami shrugged, “Gotta go mom. Kiss Belle for me,” running to meet the
oncoming bus.

Marlena took a deep breath before heading upstairs to gather Belle for
her doctor’s appointment. Dr. James scheduled the appointment for
testing and a routine checkup. Marlena decided against telling John.
She hadn’t talked to him since she’d slipped out of his bed. She
gathered Belle, a diaper bag and headed out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marlena paced down the narrow hallway of the pediatric wing of
University hospital. Dr. James was having a battery of test run on
Belle to ensure that her breathing problems weren’t extensive in an
examination room. Unable to watch the poking and prodding of her
little girl, she stepped from the room for some air.

“Marlena,” Laura Horton called from the doors the elevator. She threw
her hand between the doors in order to stop them from sealing her in.
She excused herself and hurried toward Marlena.

“Hi honey… how are you?”

Laura looked her over, “I’m well… the question is how are you doing?
You look distracted. Is everything all right?”

“Oh Laura,” Marlena said clasping Laura’s hand. “Belle… she’s having
tests ran. This never gets easy, does it?”

Laura offered her a kind smile. “Never… it only gets worst.”

“Thanks,” Marlena said laughing. “That makes me feel a lot better.”

Laura enveloped Marlena with her arms. “Is that what I’m supposed to
be doing?” She was happy to be back in the presence of women like
Marlena; the strong kind of woman she had been before she’d been sent
to the sanitarium. After years of being a victim Laura was learning to
stand up and be taken seriously. When she’d returned to Salem last
year, it was Marlena who looked at her without judgment. She welcomed
her back as a colleague and as a friend. The years evaporated the
moment Laura and Marlena embraced.

“I’ve been trying to reach you ever since I heard about Belle being
admitted to University.”

“I know… I’m sorry about not getting back to you. I’ve been watching
her like a madwoman.”

Laura crossed Marlena’s shoulders with her arm as they walked toward
the waiting room. “It’s only natural. She’s your baby. I understand. I
also understand that Roman hasn’t returned home yet.”

Marlena shook her head, “He called today… he’ll be here tonight. At
least that’s what he told Sami. I was in the shower when he called.”

“Well that was convenient for him.”

“Convenient and lucky… I’ve been trying to stay calm and focus on
Belle. But, I’m so angry that he would leave us like this—with no
phone calls. Belle’s still a newborn baby.”

“So this won’t be a happy homecoming I assume.”

“Uh Uh… not likely Laura,” Marlena said biting down on her bottom lip.
She saw Dr. James walking towards them. “Excuse me Laura.”

“Dr. Evans don’t worry Belle is perfect. Antibiotics seem to be
working… and her lungs sound clear. I’d say you have a pretty healthy
baby on your hands.”

“Oh thank you.”

“It’s no trouble. You can take Belle home just as soon as you’d like.”
Dr. James told her walking back down the corridor.

“Well, that’s one way to brighten your day,” Laura said squeezing
Marlena’s hand.

“It sure is. I’m so relieved.”

“Belle’s all right?” John asked stepping from the elevator.

Marlena stood bewildered and speechless.

“You’re such a caring godfather John… Belle’s lucky to have you in her
life,” Laura said watching the quiet conversation between John and
Marlena’s eye contact.

“Yes, she is…” Marlena said getting a grip on herself. “She’s fine
according to Dr. James. This was just a routine checkup.”

“Why didn’t you tell me Doc? I would have come with you.”

She shook her head swiftly, “No. Um we’re fine.” She averted her eyes
from John to Laura, who was watching her carefully, watching them both
carefully.

“John, how is Brady?” Laura said trying to alleviate the obvious tension.

“Beautiful.” John replied eyeing Marlena’s suspicious behavior. “How
have you been Laura?”

“Fine… I’m happy to be back home with friends and family.”

“Good for you,” John told her. He fought the overwhelming urge to
question Marlena’s jumpy mood. “Well, I’d like to see Belle.”

“She’s in the examining room,” Marlena said drawing her attention
toward the elevator where Kristen and Brady exited together.

“John, Brady’s hungry. Tell him Brady,” Kristen said walking toward them.

“Hello Kristen.” Marlena said kindly. “Hi Brady.” The little boy
smiled at her coyly. He was growing into his father’s looks more and
more, his jet-black hair, and cool, blue eyes.

“Marlena how is Belle? John told me what happened with her. I hope
she’s feeling better.”

“Oh yes, she is. Thank you for asking Kristen.” She smiled
robotically, crossing her hands over her chest. She was unprepared for
Brady looking so familiar with Kristen; it sparked a sliver of
jealousy. “Well, I think we better get going. Roman’s coming home
tonight,” she said looking directly towards John. “We have to get
back. Laura, we’ll get together this week.”

“Doc, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Um, sure…”

John grabbed her elbow and led her down the hallway. Kristen and Laura
watched them in silence. When they reached the outside of Belle’s
room, she turned and said, “John it was a simple checkup.”

“Why didn’t you say goodbye.” He said ignoring her words. “I woke up
and you were gone. My baby was gone.”

“John, not here… I can’t do this with you here.” She said pressing her
lips together. “It was the only way. We’ve said everything we had to
say… it was time for us to get back to reality. It looks like you’re
on your way.” She said looking towards Kristen and Brady.

“Doc it’s lunch. I promised her lunch days ago.”

“You don’t owe me any explanations,” she forced out of her mouth.

“I didn’t think you cared either way.”

Marlena stared painfully at him, her anger rising. “Don’t say things
like that to me. You know how I feel,” she said through pursed lips,
unable to look into his eyes anymore.

“I do know how you feel. I feel the same way baby,” he told her,
inching too closely to her. “There is nothing going on between me and
Kristen.”

“You…”

He interrupted her, “Nothing. She’s a sweet girl.”

“She’s in love with you, John.”

“Well, I’m in love with you.”

Marlena lowered her head, pulling her hand into her pocket to keep
from touching John. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

“Love each other,” John answered. “That’s all I want from you. I told
you. I’ll wait until you’re ready to come to me. I’m not going
anywhere.” He said walking away.

Chapter 12- Pray To God You Can Cope

“Perhaps it does not matter so very much
What it is one loves
In this world—
But love something one must.”
— Katherine Mansfield

Marred by considerable pain—an indescribable affliction upon his very
soul—Roman made his way through the shadowy streets of Salem; he was
home. Salem was the home he knew unconsciously, streets and landmarks
were engraved in his memory… this was his home. Thomas Wolfe’s
aphorism ‘You can’t go home again’ rung in the inner sanctum of his
mind. Was this not his home anymore? His sense of entitlement of the
city, of Marlena dwindled; it slipped slowly from his grip with every
hour he’d spent in Louisiana, dissecting memories and missing years.
There was always a piece of Marlena that he felt he’d lost to John, he
could see it when he held her closely, looking directly into those
splendid honey eyes… a piece of her was lost to him. This did not make
Roman happy, but he could live with it. He could love her enough for
both of them. Before Louisiana and Mira, and especially Amelia, he
could have lived with the slight distance between he and Doc. He could
have lived with anything for Marlena’s sake. Amelia changed that; she
changed everything.

Upon Mira’s insistence, Roman flew into Salem with her, on her private
jet—her family was apparently remarkably wealthy—promising Roman that
she would stay in a hotel outside of town, awaiting an appropriate
time to meet John. Roman agreed to help, agreed to be the middle man
for Mira, in order that she could be an invisible participant in
John’s life. She felt Amelia’s place was in New Orleans with Raysa
protecting her. Mira’s refusal to allow Roman to meet Amelia struck
him oddly, but he understood how much she wanted to protect the little
girl. He was also unprepared for coming face to face with the love
child of John and Marlena. She was the only connection that John could
fully claim on his wife. He’d agreed with Mira’s wishes. They’d flown
into town and immediately gone to a hotel that was suitable for Mira.
Roman left her alone, assuring her that he would stay in contact as
much as it was possible.

He was anxious to get back to his life, to see his children and wife
again—to forget, pretend for a couple of hours that all was well in
the Brady family. He smiled to himself thinking of Belle, of her
newness and idyllic spirit. Her birth had awakened some part of
himself that he thought had died while he was away. Her birth proved
that he was still alive, and that his love for Marlena was strong
enough to create a life, despite his insecurity over their lives—of
John’s place in their lives. Watching Marlena’s stomach grow,
protecting their baby with her body made Roman appreciate her. A
vision of Marlena sleeping in the center of their bed, swollen with
their child was interrupted by the car phone.

“Roman Brady.”

“Dad… it’s me… Eric,” his voice trembled slightly. “I’ve been trying
to call you.”

“Hey son,” Roman said joyfully. “I’m sorry I was on a case out of
town. What’s up son? Everything going well in Colorado… how are your
grandparents?”

“Fine,” Eric answered quickly. “Grandma and Grandpa Evans are fine.”

“Well, what’s up?”

“I think I need to come home… I miss the family. I miss Sami and Mom.”
He said sounding vague and unsure of his words. “Just for a little
bit.”

“Why what’s going on? You don’t like school?”

“School’s fine.”

“Grandparents riding you too hard,” Roman kidded.

“No,” Eric said abruptly. “I just need to see Salem again.”

“Have you talked to your mother about this?”

“No, I haven’t. She’s busy with Belle… and I don’t want her to worry.”

“Son, it sounds like you should maybe wait until the holiday break…
you could come home and visit the family. Does that sound okay with
you?”

Eric hesitated, “Yeah… okay Dad. I’ll wait it out.”

“That’s what Brady’s do. We make things work. Whatever’s bothering
you—and I’m not asking you to tell me—it will work itself out, right?”

“Sure.”

“Kid, we love you… you know that don’t you?”

“Yeah Dad… I know.”

“Good. I’ll check up on you later on this week. Hang in there son.”

“I will,” Eric said sadly. “Dad could you maybe send me some money?
I’m all out and I don’t want to go to Grandpa again.”

“Again? What happened to your part-time job?”

“I still have it… I just bought a couple of new clothes… I went
overboard. I just need a little.”

“Okay son. No problem,” Roman said, pulling into the driveway of their
home. “Son, I’m just getting home. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay Dad, thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Bye Dad.”

Roman grabbed his overnight bag from the passenger seat and headed
towards the door. A light illuminated the window of his bedroom; he
turned the key to enter the house. He checked his wrist, realizing
that Marlena and the girls were probably preparing for bed. After
dropping his bag at the bottom of the stairs, he climbed the stairs
quietly. He checked Belle’s room; she was sleeping peacefully in her
crib. Kissing her goodnight, he moved down the hall to Sami’s room; he
opened her door and saw her sleeping form in her bed. He walked by
Carrie’s door, hearing her talking softly on the phone, he decided to
forgo another argument about bedtime rules and moved on to his own
bedroom.
“Roman,” Marlena said physically jumping; her satin pajamas swiftly
fell from her hand. She reached down quickly, pulling the pants over
her legs as she sat on the edge of their bed.

“Hi Doc.”

Her eyes flashed nervously. She unconsciously covered her upper body,
crossing her hands across her chest—hiding the bruised skin along her
chest, the consequences of John’s passion for her. The camisole hugged
her upper body. The rapid thumb of her heart pounded against her
chest. She moved from the bed, crossing the room to her closet.

Roman watched her without a sound.

“What? What’s wrong?” Marlena said buttoning the long sleeved
replacement for the camisole.

“Nothing. I haven’t seen my wife in a number of days. How about
affection,” he smirked, removing his jacket. “I missed you Doc.”

“Did you?” She said furrowing her well-defined eyebrows. She walked to
the dresser to pick up her brush. She stroked it through her hair a
couple of times before placing it back on the dresser. “I really
couldn’t tell… you never called.”

Roman tossed his shirt on the floor in front of him. Marlena eyed the
sun-kissed skin of his arms. “I was on a case.”

“Got that part Roman. There were no phones?”

“Doc… come on.”

“Roman don’t patronize me… I’m so tired of you doing that. I have
valid concerns. We have a newborn baby… and other children as well. We
need you at home.” She said angrily pulling the covers back on the
bed.

“Wait,” he said standing behind her. “What do you mean patronizing
you? I’m not. We had this discussion before I left. This is my job.
It’s what I do.”

“Roman, it can’t be like this anymore.” She said inching away from
him. Feeling crowded, she plopped on the bed.

He stood over her. “What happened?” Roman said, pointing to the
bruised skin on her chest.

She inhaled sharply, “I ran into the door.” She lied quickly, easily.
She held her shirt together with nervous fingers. “It’s fine. It’ll
heal soon.”

“Doc how’d you run into a door,” he asked curiously, sitting next to her.

“Roman, it’s nothing.”

“Doc, come on.”

“No,” she said standing to pace the floor. “Um… Belle was sick while
you were away.”

“What?”

“She stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital.” Marlena
confessed, watching Roman digest the news. “She’s fine now.”

“What happened to her?”

“Apnea… it’s a mild condition that will dissipate over time.”

“Why didn’t you call…”

“You? You didn’t leave any information… before you hear this from
someone else—John was there. He saved her life… again.” She said
carefully, still holding her shirt together. “I was afraid… I called
him.”

“Oh Doc, I’m so sorry honey.” He said pulling her into his arms.

“She’s okay now Roman. We had a check up today and the doctor gave her
a clean bill of health.” Marlena said relaxing in Roman’s arms. She
dropped her head to his shoulder. “I was so afraid that she wouldn’t
make it… and I panicked… and John came in and gave her CPR. She was
lying on our bed… her lips were blue… it was terrifying.” She said
reliving the frightening moment.

Roman rubbed her back softly, “Don’t worry Doc. I’m not going anywhere
again. I’m sorry you went through that without me.”

“I had John,” she said in a tiny voice. “I don’t know what I would
have done otherwise.” She felt Roman’s body stiffen against her. He
loosened his hold and slipped away. “What… you weren’t here. She was
dying,” she called after him.

“Honey, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Roman continued to
walk. He pulled his jeans off and walked into the bathroom.

“Wait a minute,” Marlena said standing in the door of the bathroom, as
Roman stood at the sink rinsing off his face. “I understood that you
might be upset by this… but he saved our daughter’s life… again. I
didn’t call him because I wanted to see him,” she said calmly.

“No, but you did call Doc. And he ran—as usual. It’s what he does
best. He’ll always come when you call,” he spat angrily. “And you’ll
always call won’t you?” He asked gripping the rim of the sink,
shifting the olive hued color of his knuckles to white.

“You weren’t here,” she said softly. “What would you like me to have
done? He is her godfather Roman.”

“Yes he is… he’s also the man who was your husband.”

“Roman this is not about that at all. This was about my daughter… and
I would have called anyone to come at that point.”

“John?”

“Yes because while you’re out trying to save the world, John is
playing daddy better than you…” She said angrily. She watched Roman’s
hand raise between them. She moved back, preparing for the impact—a
terrifying feeling.

“Doc,” he said pulling his hands to his side. “He’s not her daddy. I
am. Don’t forget that.” He said squaring his jaw tightly at her.

Marlena’s eyes widened; the terror passed slowly from her face. She
waited for Roman to acknowledge what had almost transpired between
them—he’d almost struck her. An unrecognizable anger had slipped into
the room and gripped him, and in that moment, she didn’t recognize
Roman Brady. A long, quiet, and tense moment passed before she walked
away.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said coming from the bathroom and
grabbing a pillow from the bed. Amelia and John flashed in his mind as
he walked from his bedroom closing the door behind him.

Chapter 13- I Stand Outside

“When others asked the truth of me,
I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted,
But an illusion they could bear to live with.”
— Anais Nin

Salem, November 1993

The first snow of pre-winter fell in the midst of the misty morning as
a gloomy overcast settled in the skyline of Salem’s downtown district.
The season’s shift signaled renewal, Marlena’s spirits were uplifted
watching the snow coating the windshield of her Mercedes as she drove.
She turned into the parking garage below University Hospital. She
drove through the gate toward her personal parking space on the ground
level.

A brisk air nipped at her face as she hurried from the car to the
elevator. She was anxious to return to her job, to the patients who
depended on her. She was also anxious to remove herself from the
mounting tension at home. Roman’s mood was sullen and unresponsive.
They hadn’t spoken of the night of his return home. They spoke only
necessary words to each other in front of the children; but the
distance between them was apparent. He left home early in the morning;
returning home very late each night—upon return no warmth or affection
for his wife. They were at an impasse, neither prepared to call truce.
She was naturally upset by Roman’s reaction to what she had said about
John. He was still sleeping on the living room couch; she was still
snuggling close to Belle every night in their bed. She hadn’t even
informed him of her decision to return to work, deciding on working
half-days until Belle was a little older. At dawn, she’d simply rolled
out of bed, gotten dressed and prepared Belle for her first day
without her mommy. Caroline arrived by seven-thirty—by then Roman had
already gone—and relieved Marlena. After a few tears and kisses, she
managed to force herself to the car.

Her kind faced secretary Chloe greeted her as she entered the inner
office of the door with her name. She’d touched the door sign, running
her fingers along her name. Dr. Marlena Evans; she was a significant
element of University. Being so and feeling so made her feel a sense
of immediate accomplishment. She loved her family but she needed her
work; she was an autonomous woman with a natural inclination for
helping others.

“Thank you,” Marlena said, taking a new patient file and a couple
phone messages from Chloe. “If my mother-in-law calls, put her through
immediately.”

“Okay. I nearly forgot… Kristen Blake stopped by to talk with you. She
said she’d return.”

Marlena’s eyes widened, “Kristen Blake?”

“Yes.” Chloe assured her.
“Thank you Chloe,” Marlena said opening the door of her office. She
set her briefcase on the couch and spanned the room visually. The room
was comfortable, not an overwhelming sense of space. She was happy to
be in the familiar surroundings, away from the uncertainty beyond the
door. As Dr. Marlena Evans, she was a self-aware, self-assured voice
of reason; Mrs. Roman Brady was another matter all together. With
Roman, she was an appendage, which required little thinking—appearance
took precedence. How had she fallen into that role? She was a
well-educated woman with ideas, with goals. She had been this person
her entire life. Roman’s vision of Marlena had been cemented from
their beginning; he was assigned to protect her. He was the hero; she
was the damsel in distress. They’d never reevaluated those roles. He
wanted to be in power where she was concerned—losing control was the
source of his anger, she reasoned. She wasn’t that woman, not even in
the beginning. She wasn’t weak. Losing her son and husband had
strengthened her. She had some weak moments after Sam’s death; it was
almost as painful as losing D.J. In that dark period of her life,
she’d leaned on Roman; it was a comfort to have him there. After his
death, she tried to be strong. She focused on their children, her
work, and herself. Marlena learned that though it was hard, she could
live without him. It hurt to be alone in the world without love, but
he’d left her with their children. It was enough until John came into
their lives and she remembered what it was she loved about being loved
by a man.

Chloe’s voice over the intercom broke Marlena’s thought process. She
informed her that Kristen Blake was waiting to see her. Marlena
cleared her throat and welcomed her in. She stood to shake Kristen’s
hand, offering her a seat on the couch.

“Marlena, I hope I’m not taking up your time.” Kristen said
apologetically. “I just needed to talk to you.”

“No I have a few minutes,” Marlena assured her, sitting on the
opposite end of the couch. She observed Kristen; unconsciously sizing
up the competition. The young woman was beautiful she admitted to
herself. Long blonde hair, peach complexioned skin that complimented
her narrow emerald eyes.

“It’s about John.” Kristen said shifting her eyes toward the ceiling.
“I don’t know how to say this…”

Marlena was intrigued, “Just say whatever you have to Kristen,” she
ushered calmly.

“Well, I wanted to know something about John. I wanted to know if you
think he’s ready to move on… with me?” She said bringing her eyes back
to Marlena.

Marlena managed to keep her distant, staid composure. She took a deep
breath, “I think you have to ask John this question.”

“No, I think you can answer it better than John. I don’t mean to pry
Marlena. It’s just… I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’s so
protective of you and Belle… of all of your children.”

Marlena interrupted her, “He’s protective of the people he loves. It’s
who John is… he’ll always be that way.”

“Will he always love you?” Kristen questioned.

“Yes,” Marlena said straightforwardly. “And I’ll always love him. He’s
a very special part of my life… as you’ve said. He’s Belle’s godfather
and my children love him as a second father.” She sounded territorial;
she didn’t want to sound that way. “Kristen, this is a discussion I
think you should have with John.”

“Marlena, I’m not here to complicate your life. I am falling in love
with John,” she admitted.

“I can’t help you with that.”

“Are you in love with John?”

Marlena looked bewildered, shifting her gaze to Kristen she said, “I
love my husband. I am in love with my husband. And I honestly don’t
believe this is any of your business. John, Roman, and I have a
complicated past—one that can’t be dissected. We’ve all moved on.”

“I’m sorry if you think I’m being too forward.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I would rather you and I not have any
more discussions about this in the future. My life is not up for
debate. John is a free man. I’m married to Roman.” She said standing
to show Kristen the door.

“I can abide by that. I’ll talk to John.” Kristen said following
Marlena’s lead. She exited the office with a parting smile.

Chapter 14- This Woman’s World (NC-17)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
— William Shakespeare 116

“Doc what’s going on with us,” Roman asked himself, lifting her
portrait from his desk. He studied her portrait closely; she was
smiling—in the middle of one of her infectiously adorable laugh
spells, head tilted back, and mouth agape. Her hair cascading around
her shoulders in a blonde halo of curls, eyes dancing with joy—love
filled her face. She was a remarkably beautiful woman: a perfectly
symmetric face, a pert nose, and small mouth, creamy skin with brown
freckles.

“Roman.”

“Bo,” Roman said looking up. “Hey come in… have a seat.”

“Thanks,” Bo said placing a file on Roman’s desk. “I wanted to go over
some things in the Dukoff case… but I you seem miles away from here.”

Roman shrugged, “I guess I am.”

“Marlena?” Bo asked looking at the picture in Roman’s hand.

“Yeah, isn’t it always about a woman?” He said placing Marlena’s
picture back on the desk, and looking towards Bo. “She’s different
man. I can’t put my finger on it but Marlena’s changed…”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean she’s not herself… not since I’ve come back from this last
trip. Something’s changed Bo.”

“We all change bro…”

“Of course we changed,” Roman responded uneasily, clenching his fist
close to his chest. “I’ve changed. The Marlena I married was just so
different. So full of life and enjoyed being in my company… enjoyed
being my wife.”

“Are you saying she doesn’t anymore?”

Roman ran his fingers through his hair exasperatedly. “I’m saying I
don’t like who she has become. I don’t enjoy being in her presence.
Don’t get me wrong… I love her. I would do anything for her and my
children, but so many things have happened.”

“Not of her doing Roman.” Bo pointed out.

“No, we all know it’s not Marlena’s fault she fell in love with John,”
he said rather sarcastically. “She thought he was me. I’ve heard the
story. It doesn’t change how I feel. That man has ruined my life.”

“Roman is this about John or Marlena? I don’t see how the two are in
conjunction. She’s with you; she married you. You two just had a baby,
man. Come on, Marlena has been in love with since you first protected
her.”

“That’s just it… I don’t feel like I can protect her anymore.
Everything around us is shaky. I’m shaky. Bo, I can’t control myself
anymore… not when it comes to Doc. A couple of weeks ago, I nearly
struck Doc,” he confessed lowering his voice. “It was purely anger…
she said something and I felt my hand rise.”

“Did you?” Bo inquired concerned.

Roman shook his head.

“Good.”

“How could I do that to Doc? How could I even think of striking her?
She’s the love of my life Bo. She’s the mother of my children… and now
when she looks at me there’s this distant glare. It’s like she’s
looking beyond me. It’s tearing me up. We haven’t spoken in weeks. I’m
sleeping on the couch. It’s bad Bo.”

“No, you have to talk to her. You can straighten this out. I know
Marlena. She’s a forgiving person and she loves you. Think about your
children… about little Belle… she needs you and Doc strong and
together.”

Roman agreed, “I think we do need to talk. It’ll be good for us to
have it out. Doc says communication is the most important aspect of
any relationship. I’m going to head over to Salem University,” He said
grabbing his coat.

“Good.”

“Thanks man.” Roman said before hurrying from the office.

~~~~~~~~~~

“So the new patient cancelled,” Marlena said, twirling the telephone
cord between her fingers. “Did she reschedule Chloe?”

“Yes… Mrs. Miranda Christopher… in two days.”

“Okay, thank you Chloe. You can go on home. I’ll lock up when I’m
finished here.”

“Goodnight Dr. Evans.”

Marlena replaced the phone on its cradle and checked the clock. She’d
promised Caroline she would be home no later than four o’clock. On her
last check on home, Belle was napping after a bottle and Caroline was
starting dinner for the girls. Marlena opened her last patient file to
pencil some notes. Cynthia Dobson, had been a patient of Marlena for
over two years, one of the first cases upon her return to her
practice. She was a wife and mother who’d been having an affair with
her co-worker for over half her marriage, stuck in limbo on how to
live two lives separately. Marlena listened in amazement at how she
juggled two relationships with men who she claimed to both love and
respect. The similarity to Cynthia Dobson was not lost on Marlena;
she’d felt the heat rush to her cheeks when Cynthia described how much
she loved her husband and yet wanted to be with her lover.

Marlena was so enveloped in the file that she didn’t hear John
wrapping lightly on the door. “You busy Doc?”

She looked up, “Yes I am. I’ve gotta get home to the girls.” She said
closing the file in front of her. “What are you doing here?” She asked
impatiently.

“You… I heard that you were back to work today. I wanted to see how it
was going.” John said crossing the room. She looked him over; he stood
in front of her desk in a black turtleneck, black leather jacket, and
dark jeans.

“Did you hear that from Kristen?” Marlena asked, tapping her feet
underneath her desk.

“No. I didn’t hear anything from Kristen. I haven’t seen her.” He said
furrowing his bushy eyebrows at her. “Why would you ask me that?”

Marlena pushed herself away from her desk. “She came to visit me
today,” she told him as she walked to replace Cynthia Dobson’s patient
file in her cabinet.

“Why… what did she say Doc?”

“In a word—she wants you,” Marlena told him superciliously. “She wants
me to let you go.”

“It’s not her decision… or your decision for that matter,” he huffed.
“I’ve told you how I feel about her.” John said touching Marlena’s
shoulder lightly causing her to shiver beneath his fingers.

“John, I don’t like people assuming that I’m holding you back. I’ve
told you,” she said sitting on the edge of her desk in front of him.
“Move on.”

John watched her incredulously, “Don’t say that to me. I’m in love
with you; you’re in love with me. This conversation is pointless.” He
said trying to retreat from the room.

“Wait a minute,” She called after him.
John stopped and turned to face her, “Doc… I’m not involved with her.”

“John she…”

He rushed back toward Marlena, “Did you hear me? I’m not in love with
her. I don’t want any woman as much as I want you.” He said cupping
her face between his hands.

Marlena sighed heavily, “You can’t have me,” she said seductively. An
overwhelming urge rushed her suddenly and she could do nothing except
lift her lips to John’s mouth. She kissed him urgently. “I don’t want
you to be with her.” She cried between kisses. “I don’t want you to be
with anyone.” She said possessively sucking hungrily on his lips while
his hands fumbled with the buttons of her suit. She pushed them away
and looked wide-eyed at him. She wanted to be in control. She guided
his hands in an upward sweep from her thighs to her hips, lifting her
skirt with them. Pushing aside her undergarment, he caressed her
slightly, teasing her moist middle with sweeps of his fingers in
tantalizing motions.

“No,” she said close to his ear, sucking the skin of his neck hungrily
until the familiar redness appeared. Marlena’s fingers traveled down
his chest to the waistband his jeans; releasing the tension that her
seduction was causing as she unbuttoned his pants, she lowered them
slowly to his knees. She watched him as she did, licking sensually
across his face and mouth. He cupped her from behind and lifted her,
helping her wrap her legs around his hips. He entered her forcefully,
tightening his grip around her body and forcing her back into the
nearby wall. She moaned loudly as their bodies crashed against one
another, as John roughly moved in and out of her body. He wanted her
always….he needed her always….and her body belonged to him always. His
mouth traveled to her neck as he sucked on her soft skin, determined
to leave his trademark. He felt her disapproval as her hands clenched
his hair and yanked his mouth from her skin.

“No….you can’t. Not there….” She moaned as he sucked her mouth to his,
all the while desperately thrusting in and out of her body.

“Then where? I am leaving a mark…I don’t care what you say.” John
breathed harshly against her mouth, as Marlena shut her eyes. The
sensation of the tip of his penis powerfully hitting her back wall
momentarily silenced her. Her hands clenched onto his shirt as she
balled the material in her fists while her legs clung around his
waist. Her head was arched back into the wall, the pleasure
overwhelming all her senses, threatening to rush her into the sweet
oblivion.

“You can’t….not anymore….Ro….Ooo God….Roman saw it….” Marlena groaned
as John paused for a moment. Thoughts of roman making love to Marlena
invaded all of his thoughts as he yanked Marlena’s body from the wall
and threw them both down on the couch. She gasped at his sudden action
as her eyes grew in confusion as he pulled out of her body. Without
words, John ripped his turtleneck from his body and dropped to his
knees as his mouth dove to her sensitive skin on her inside thighs.
She clenched her eyes shut as she bit her lower lip, desperately
determined to hold back any cries of passion. With strong sucks, his
mouth wrenched her light skin, occasionally nipping it with his teeth.
Once he felt that was accomplished he moved to her other one as he
heard her whisper what was he doing. He continued to mark her where he
had previously done so before, knowing that if these were there…the
chance of her not sleeping with Roman were greater. His eyes closed,
his mouth working in overtime, his penis painfully aroused and
ready….his passion even greater then before. He moved back and smiled
as he noticed his handy work, the bright purple marks on her light
skin, quite the contrast.

“Did you make love to him?” He asked as his mouth plunged to the skin
above her pelvic bone and right above her hairline. He sucked hard as
she tried to push his head away, unable to take the slight pain of him
yanking her skin.

“John…stop…” She begged as she opened her eyes a bit and tried to sit
up. The sudden force of his grasp caught her off guard as she felt her
body pinned to the sofa once more.

“Did you make love to him?” He voice was a little more stern and
demanding, as she moaned softly.

“No….I didn’t….I haven’t.” She whispered as she felt his mouth
disappear from her tingling and sore skin. She opened her eyes
slightly and watched as John leaned over her, taking her mouth in his
and deeply falling into his sweet kiss.

“Are you lying to me?” The words were lost, smothered as their lips
fought against each other.

“No….” Was all he heard as he filled her up again with his thick
muscle. Her scream was silenced by his mouth as he continued to move
in and out of her body, pushing her weak body to the limit, almost as
if he were determined to break her in two. She was almost positive
that if anyone came into the lobby, they would know what was going on
by the thumping of the couch and the noises of lovers that filled the
office. She felt him move throughout her body but wanted to be in
control, she wanted him like never before. Maybe it had to do with
Kristen but she needed him always and she refused to see him doing
this to another. She pushed him off her as he fell to the side of the
couch. She moved over him as she grabbed him within her small hand and
held him tightly while she slid down his thick and long shaft. She
stared into his eyes as she grabbed the back of the couch with both
hands and began to move up and down him. Within moments, John felt her
tighten around him as he forced her back down again and pushed in
violently, each one becoming more intense then the last. His hands
roamed her jacket as his mind raced about what was underneath. In the
heat of the moment, his hands tore the fabric from the buttons,
shredding the expensive silk and sending buttons flying. His mouth
dropped to her chest as he marked her soft skin, leaving dark bruises
anywhere possible. She was desperate to pull him away, she couldn’t
have any more marks, what would she tell Roman if he asked again.
Moments of debate ran through her mind and then it happened. Her body
filled with a rush of burning heat, starting from her head, and
running down to her toes. The room was spinning, his moans like music,
his thrusts like pure and utter magic, his touches like silk, and his
kisses like rain. Her body shivered as her mouth dropped and her
uncontrollable cry fell from her lips. His name never sounded so good
coming from her as he pushed in and out of her delicate body, milking
everything out of her. Her hands tore the skin of his back as her legs
hugged him to her tightly, trying to treasure this moment for as long
as possible.

His thrusts became furious as he grabbed her hands and squeezed them
tightly with his. He shut his eyes in passion as he felt himself
explode within her heated walls, spraying what was left of him into
her. His body was drenched in sweat and Marlena’s skirt was crunched
and wrinkled between them, while her jacket lay torn and useless.

Chapter 15- Now His Part Is Over

“If I never met him, I would have dreamed him into being.”
— Anonymous

“Oh Doc… your amazing baby,” John whispered spooning against the
bareness of Marlena’s back. He settled comfortably into the pillows of
the couch as he pulled Marlena closer, encircling her tummy, covered
in their perspiration, with the palms of both hands.

“Am I?” She asked coyly, stifling her amusement. “I think it’s you
that’s amazing.” Marlena told John, dropping her head against him. Her
slender arm reached up at an angle, locking John’s neck in the crook
of her arm. She lifted her mouth to meet his.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you,” he said after releasing her
mouth. “I love it.”

“You…” Marlena replied quietly. “John it’s never been this way with
anyone. Not with Don or Roman… I simply can’t help myself when it
comes to you.”

“You don’t have to manage yourself with me Doc. I love you
regardless.” He said, propping his chin on her shoulder, breathing in
the mingled scent of her perfume and sweat. “There’s something else
though Doc. What is it?”

“Um… no honey I’m fine.” She said too abruptly.

“Baby, I want you to be sure about me. I’m going to be faithful to us.
There is no Kristen or anyone else that can come between us,” he said
tightening his grip around her middle. “You don’t have to worry about
that anymore.”

“I won’t.”

“Good. Now tell me what else is bothering you? Is it us? This?” John
probed, leaning across her chest to pull her chin towards him. “Talk
to me,” he implored.

“I can’t,” she said pulling away. “I can’t right now. I just need to
think about this.”

“You have had time to think about this. Weeks have passed. How are
things with you and Roman?” John questioned as she slipped away from
his grasp. She moved toward the opposite end of the couch. “Doc?”

“What?” She said lifting her eyes to meet his gaze, debating her
answer to his question. Knowing John better than anyone else, knowing
especially his reaction to what had occurred with Roman.

“Is it Belle?”

“Oh no. She’s beautiful John. She really is.” She said smiling. “Our
baby is so beautiful. It’s not Belle… it’s Roman.”

“What about Roman,” John asked moving closer to Marlena.

“He…” she stammered, “He was very angry… and in anger I think he
almost struck me.”

John’s face cringed, shifting from worried to angry. “He what?” He
said, standing to pace in front of Marlena.

“John calm down.” She pleaded taking John’s discarded turtleneck from
the floor in front of her and pulling it over her head. She met him in
the center of the room, gripping his forearms in order to cease his
movement.

“Baby, did he hurt you? Where was Belle? Where were Carrie and Sami?”
John asked softly touching her face as he inspected for bruising.

“Honey, listen to me… I’m not hurt. He didn’t hurt me. We had an
altercation of words and I said something about you that triggered his
anger. It’s the lost of control John,” she reasoned. “He would never
do it otherwise. I know Roman.”

“That’s a coward’s answer Marlena.”

“It’s the only answer I have John,” she said biting down on her lip.
The worry that colored John’s face ignited the fountain of tears that
she saved for private times—in the shower, or at Belle’s bedside.
Marlena lowered her face to shield her tears from John’s view. Doing
so was of no consequence; his anger lessening because of Marlena’s
quivering emotions. He pulled her into his arms, securing her head
against his chest.

“Come here Doc.”

“I’m sorry John,” she cried into his chest. “I didn’t want to do this.
I wasn’t going to tell you. I should be able to handle this. I really
should.”

“Not tell me,” he said taking her forearms into his grip. “We don’t
have secrets from each other. Don’t you realize that by now? You can’t
hide anything from me Doc. Nothing.”

“John,” she said attempting to loosen his hold on her arms. “You’re hurting me.”

“Doc, I’m sorry.” He told her as he released her arms. “Come here… sit
down.” John led her to the couch where they’d just made love. “You’re
sure you want to go home.”

“Where else can I go?” She asked wiping her face with the back of her
hand. “Of course I have to go home. It’s not that kind of situation,
John. You’re making this more than it is.”

“You should be making a bigger deal about this. You’re a psychiatrist
Doc. If you were a patient of Dr. Marlena Evans, what would you tell
yourself to do?”

“I can’t look at this objectively John.” She said playing with the
sleeves of John’s turtleneck.

“Doc, I would’ve never done this,” he said touching the love marks on
her neck. “I don’t want to put you in any danger.”

“I’m not in any danger John. Roman’s not a dangerous man.” She said.
“Oh my… I have to get home. I’m late,” she said checking her wrist.

“Wait.”

“John, we have to go.”

John’s shoulders fell, dejectedly. “Not again. I don’t like this… I
don’t like you making love to me and running home to him. Playing wife
with Roman and our baby. What was this about?”

“I needed you.” She admitted unabashedly.

“Exactly my point.”

Marlena’s hand draping against John’s thigh distracted him, she leaned
over and kissed him intently. He pulled away from her touch.

“Don’t… you’re afraid that your going to lose me. You don’t have to do
this—prove to yourself that you can keep me. I’m already yours baby.”

Marlena turned away, shielding her face with her hands. “I was
jealous. Kristen was here and all I could see was you and Brady with
her… making a family.” She confessed. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t.”

“This isn’t the perfect situation John… I know that. I can’t not have
you in my life. I have no right to tell you this but…” She paused to
look him directly in the eye. “I don’t like sharing you… you told me
that once. I feel the same way. I can’t imagine you making love to her
the way you make love to me. I don’t want you to kiss her or touch her
in that way. I only want you to love me… to make love to me,” she said
in a small, clear voice.

John listened carefully, stroking her face lightly with his hand. He
swept her bangs from her eyes, pressing his thumb to her lips. The
vulnerability in her voice, her face made John grow eager for
Marlena’s body. He pulled savagely at the turtleneck hindering her
bareness. He pushed her back to the couch, finally yanking the
turtleneck from her body.

“I love you so much,” Marlena said with tears running down her face.
She kissed him forcefully. Blindly. The weight of his body on top of
hers swiftly increased her arousal. She ran her fingers down his back
slowly, stopping at the small of his back where she dug her
fingernails into his skin roughly.

“Baby, I need you so much right now,” he said centering himself
between her legs.

“Oh g** John.” She moaned eagerly. He was kissing her on every
available part of her body. Her skin tingled beneath his wet, warm
mouth. She opened her legs to allow John access; he poised himself at
her center.

“Doc?” Roman said knocking on her office door. “Are you in there?”

Marlena froze. She looked toward the doorknob. “Is it locked?” She
whispered nervously.

John shrugged, lifting himself from the couch and Marlena. She climbed
from the couch, on her hands and knees, searching the floor for her
clothes.

“Doc?” Roman said trying the doorknob.

“Oh shit,” she said pulling her underwear over her legs quickly. She
lifted the jacket that John had ripped from her body. “It’s locked.”
She realized relieved, standing to step into her skirt.

“I’m sorry honey.” John said after hearing Roman walk away from the door.

“This was so irresponsible of me.” She said trying to pull her jacket together.

“Don’t blame yourself. Just blame me.”

“No, it’s me. I wanted you here. It’s like at the cabin… I wanted you
to come find me. I willed you here again. This is going to destroy
Roman.” She said searching the room for order. She fixed the lamp that
they’d knocked over in their eagerness. She fixed the pictured that
she’d knocked out of place when John rushed them back into the wall.
Her body movements were robotic and nervous.

“I can go,” John offered.

“No,” Marlena said anxiously coming to his side. “No. Roman is still around.”

“I mean I can go… take Brady and go. If that would help you then I
would do that.” He said sadly, looking out the window. “Then Roman
could have his happy family. He could have Belle, the twinners…, and
you. Everything. Do you want that?”

John’s question went unanswered.

“Don’t you know that I’d do anything to make you happy? Even sacrifice
my daughter being raised by that son-of-a-bitch husband of yours.”

Marlena stood quietly behind John, placing her hand on his back. He’d
put the leather jacket back on. He was looking fierce and handsome in
the dimness.
“Is that what you want? Do you want me to leave you alone? Would that
make you happy?”

She shook her head slowly.

“You can’t even say it.”

“No,” She spoke up. “No, I don’t want you to leave… me. I want you
here. Please don’t threaten me with you leaving. I love you. John I
love you.” She said emphatically. “Are you listening to me?”

He stood quietly for a second, moving away from her touch. Her breath
heating the nape of his neck affected his senses; he turned on his
heel quickly, kissed her roughly and stalked out of the door. She
watched him leave, only half waiting for him to return—five minutes
later, she grabbed her coat and briefcase and hurried home

Chapter 16- Now Starts The Craft of The Father (NC-17)

“We are all tied to our destiny and there is no way we can liberate ourselves.”
— Rita Hayworth

The residue of lovemaking, her skin aflame particularly the cherry hue
coloring her face and neck, contrasted to the cold chill in the air.
Marlena hurried from her car balancing her briefcase beneath an arm
and Belle’s latest bundle of gifts from the well-wishers at the
hospital. She caught a glimpse of Sami’s blonde hair from the couch,
as she nearly fell into the door, tripping over Sami’s book bag.

“Samantha Gene Brady,” She said dropping the load in her hand. “I
nearly broke my neck.”

“I’m sorry Mom.” Sami said popping up from the couch to retrieve her
book bag. “What’s all this stuff?”

“Belle’s gifts… some of the other doctor’s stopped by with them.
Where’s Grandma… and Belle?” She said holding securely to her
ankle-length pea coat. Her torn jacket and John’s markings would give
new meaning to dinner talk. “Is Daddy home yet?”

Sami shrugged, “Grandma Caroline has Belle upstairs giving her a bath,
though. We already had dinner.”

Marlena clasped Sami’s hand, “How was your day sweetie?”

“Fine… nothing new in a teenager’s world.”

“I bet,” Marlena said raising her eyebrows. She hugged Sami snugly
against her chest. “I missed you today. I miss you everyday.”

“Mom,” Sami said squirming in her arms. “Why are you being weird? Are you okay?”

“Yes I am,” she said smiling cheerfully at Sami. “I just wanted you to
know how much I love you.”

“Well, I know Mom. We all know.”

“Good,” Marlena said freeing Sami. “Where’s Carrie,” she asked looking around.

Sami shrugged again.

“Hmm.”

“She’s in college.” Sami reminded her. “I’m going up to do homework.
Grandma saved you and Daddy some food… check the microwave.”

“Ok honey. I’m going to check things down here before I go up.”
Marlena said watching Sami climb the stairs. She waited until she
heard Sami’s bedroom door close before finding the telephone; she
could also hear Caroline cooing with Belle in the bathroom. She dialed
John’s loft quickly, tipping quietly into the kitchen. The telephone
rang several times before his machine picked up, she thought better of
leaving a message. Addled, Marlena slammed the cordless back on the
table in the living room and headed to Belle and Caroline.

“There’s Mama’s baby,” Marlena cooed upon Belle’s bedroom where
Caroline was dressing her. “Hi Belle.”

“She’s an angel,” Caroline said stepping back from Belle’s crib to
allow Marlena room with Belle.

“Thank you Caroline… I’m so sorry for being late,” Marlena said
lifting Belle from the crib.

“Don’t worry dear. She was no trouble at all.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Caroline said nipping Belle’s apple
cheeks with a kiss. “I do however have to get to the pub. Shawn’s
expecting me.”

“I understand. Goodnight.” Marlena kissed Caroline before she walked
from the room. “Oh my goodness Belle, Mommy better get out of these
clothes and then we’ll put you down for the night.” She said lying
Belle back in her crib, turning on the mobile, and heading to her own
bedroom. Locking the bathroom door behind her, she undressed and
examined herself in the mirror. John’s persistent tongue and teeth
left her skin welted with circular bruises on the inside of her upper
thighs and along her collarbone. Her skin was still tender to touch;
the steady stream of water beat painfully across her bruised regions.
She rushed from the shower, dressing hurriedly into a pair of flannel
pajamas that hid every inch of her body behind squares of red and
green cloth. Hearing Belle’s cries, Marlena tossed her skirt and
jacket into a bag for the garbage and headed toward Belle’s room.

“Daddy’s here baby,” Roman whispered with Belle in his arms. Marlena
hovered in the doorway for a brief moment before entering the room.
Roman wasn’t aware of her presence.

“I was showering.” Marlena mumbled as she stepped beside Roman and
Belle. “Was she crying long?”

“Nope. I just walked in the door. When I got to the top of the stairs
she started… maybe she sensed her old man was home.” Roman said
catching Marlena’s roaming eyes.

She smiled uneasily, forcefully. “I’ll take her. I was going to put her to bed.”

“Okay.” He said softly, handing Belle to Marlena.

Marlena was aware of Roman; he watched her as she as took Belle and
went to the rocking chair near the window. He couldn’t know, she
thought inwardly. He didn’t seem angry; he was in fact unusually
peaceful.

“Okay sweetie girl, it’s time for you to sleep. Mama’s going to be
right here until you find that dreamland you love so much,” Marlena
told Belle as she drew lazy lines across her cheeks. “I’m sure you
were wondering where Mama was today. Believe me I missed you as much
as you missed me… but Grandma Caroline said you were an angel. Of
course you were,” Marlena whispered watching Roman leave Belle’s room.
She heard his footsteps descending the stairs. “I was with your Daddy
today. Belle … I don’t know what Mama’s going to do but I have to do
something. I love him honey—so much. And Daddy loves me, too… about as
much as he loves you. You’re so lucky to have Roman and John. They
both love you very much… and you’re allowed to love them Belle.” She
lowered her lips to Belle’s fuzzy hair. “I want Daddy… honey I want
your daddy so badly to be in our lives. I need him to be here for you
and me. I don’t want to lose him. But I owe Roman so much more than
this. When you’re all grown up Belle these things won’t matter at all…
but now that you’re a little baby—my helpless baby, I have to make
decisions that are appropriate for us. Roman is your daddy. I have to
make this work with Roman. I won’t see John again.” She said
convincing herself. Belle slept undisturbed by Marlena’s emotional
outpouring. She was crying inaudibly, catching her tears before they
completed their journey down her cheeks. “I can’t see John again.” She
carried Belle back to her crib, kissing her before she went back to
her own bedroom. She climbed into her empty bed and turned over.

“Doc?” Roman’s voice floated in the darkness around their bedroom. He
was standing hesitantly by the side of their bed.

She shifted in bed, looking over her shoulder and catching a glimpse
of Roman’s shadow in the moonlight. “Roman.”

“I want to talk… I came by your office today,” he paused. “I guess
you’d already left.”

“I’m sorry about that,” she apologized sincerely.

“It’s not a big deal. I was paged for a quickie meeting with our new
D.A. anyway. I just wanted to see you Doc, to talk to you. I told Bo
about what happened between us.”

Marlena sat up in the bed; she moved to turn on at her bedside.

“Don’t,” he said sitting on the edge of the bed. “Leave them off.”

“Roman, you wanted to talk… about what happened between us. What
almost happened between us,” she edited in her soft, caressing voice.
“I would like to discuss that. It can never happen again. It’s
volatile and dangerous. We have to be able to control our anger.”

“You mean I have to control my anger?”

“It’s not only you,” Marlena told him hugging her middle. “I know how
you feel about John. I should not have said that to you.”

“I don’t want to talk about John, Marlena. I’m talking about us. About
you, me, and this marriage honey… I realized today that I’m not very
happy in this marriage anymore.”

She turned in the darkness, seeing only his back. “Why do you think that is?”

“Because I spend the majority of my time thinking that John’s making a
play for you; that you’re still in love with him, and that he can have
my place in this family whenever he wants to.”

“Oh Roman, it isn’t that way at all. You’re so afraid to lose us but
you’re losing us… you’re pushing me away. I don’t know what to say to
you anymore. You’re so angry and sullen towards me.”

He grabbed the edge of the bed, “and you’re not different towards me.
Doc, I can’t get to you anymore. You’ve changed so much. It used to be
that I could look into your eyes, in that face,” he said turning
towards her, “and see everything you wanted to say… or wanted. I can’t
do that anymore. You’re not the same woman I married.”
“Roman we all change.”

“Bo said the same thing.”

“We do honey,” she conveyed compassionately. “I’m not the same woman
you married. We’ve had children who are growing up and you and I have
both been in and out of each other’s lives so frequently… nothing is
the same. We have to grow with the changes Roman. We can’t go back to
being those people anymore.”

“I liked those people Marlena. I was comfortable with those people.”

“Well, it’s impossible to be the same woman I was before I lost you.”

“Before John?”

“Before even you… don’t you remember what I was like? I had been hurt
terribly by what happened with Don and DJ. I didn’t think I’d ever
have another person who I could love and trust deeply. And then you
came along with your protection and smiles,” she said remembering
their first initial encounters. “And I loved you. I absolutely loved
you.”

“Loved… as in the past.”

“How could I not love you now? You’re the father of my children Roman.
My husband. I love you.”

“There are so many things that can happen—that have happened… I’m
afraid Doc. I’m afraid that I’m losing you again.”

“You’re not losing me,” she said without thought. “I’m here Roman. You
just have to stop pushing me away.” She moved closer to Roman,
bringing her legs over the edge of his side of the bed.

“I would never hurt you Marlena,” He said, pulling her face toward
him. “I’m sorry.” Roman caught her mouth between his lips, as they
found each other in the darkness. His tongue probed anxiously around
the walls of her mouth. He raked his fingers through her hair, yanking
her head back for better access to her mouth.

“Roman… I think we…” she attempted to say against Roman’s lips.

“Shh Doc…” he said fumbling with her buttons. He removed the flannel
top slowly, stealing warm kisses from her neck to her stomach as he
did. She helped him pull her pants down the length of her legs. “It’s
been so long since you’ve let me touch you.” He said lifting her from
the bed to his lap. She wrapped her legs around his stomach and leaned
forward to kiss him. He took his time with her bra, unhooking it
leisurely along with her underwear; he tossed them across the room.
Roman was a gentle lover—lifting her hair in his hand, so that he
could toy with the skin at the nape of her neck. He sucked
mind-altering circles with his tongue from one end of her neck toward
the other. It took her a couple of minutes to realize that Roman was
marking her body, too. She didn’t push him away; she helped him out of
his shirt by lifting the heavy material over his head and flinging it
to the floor. He caressed her legs from her knees—his fingertips
flittering along the sensitive skin— to the inside of her thighs. His
touching caused her head to fling back. He dove between her breasts,
caressing each one gently between his fingers, kissing them, sucking
them as she writhed in his lap. He stood and laid her on the bed,
urgently removing his pants. He climbed on top of her, spreading her
legs with his knees. “Are you okay Doc?” he asked before continuing.
She nodded against him, bracing herself for his entrance into her
sensitive middle. She bucked beneath him when he plunged into her, the
pain and pleasure causing her to hold on to the small of his back. He
waited; instead of moving, he dipped his head up and pulled her lips
with his teeth before sucking her lips into numbness. “Now,” she said
breaking away from his mouth. Roman paced himself, moving at an easy
and comfortable pace between her legs. He spread her legs more with
his hand, for deeper access, increasing his speed. She closed her
eyes, seeing John’s indigo eyes staring back at her. Shaking the
vision away, she opened her eyes again to Roman. Concentrating on
Roman, she pressed her forehead against his as he braced himself
against the bed. They locked eyes and he pumped harder into her. She
was suddenly very aware of every sound in the room, Roman’s groaning,
and breathing, her own moaning. He rocked their bodies in syncopation
with some distant drum, crushing inside of her, reaching her walls
with powerful strokes of his manhood. She suddenly couldn’t catch her
breath as her body betrayed her and began rising in pleasure, synced
with Roman’s; they reached a level of intense climax together. He
shuddered against her body as she lost control, quivering beneath
Roman. She broke the connection between them first, easing from
Roman’s grasp into her side of the bed while he sated and fulfilled,
fell asleep. Her tears wet the pillowcase after she realized that
she’d done it again. Endless tears fell. She was helpless to stop them
as sleep prevailed.

Chapter 17- I Know You Have A Little Life In You Yet

And this was my worst guilt; you could not
Cure nor soothe it. I made you
Come find me.
— Anne Sexton
The Double Image

Disheartened–what other word could describe Marlena’s sudden dissent
into darkness. She was depressed, profoundly low-spirited, and unable
to pull herself out of her rut. How could she have allowed herself to
sink into a confusion that could lead her to making love to John and
Roman, on the same night? She was a doctor; and, not only a doctor,
but a psychiatrist who had been clinically trained in aiding others to
make decisions about their lives—good decisions.

She’d felt disgusted with herself, with the situation she had slowly
let immerse her entire life. Roman and John; John and Roman; Roman or
John; the complicated web that she’d helped weave by telling John how
much she loved him still and physically assuring Roman that they were
still okay.

Grateful for Roman’s early call, she dragged herself from bed and
decided she needed finally to have an objective person to listen to
her. Someone she trusted implicitly: Laura. It was all she could do
not to throw herself in the floor and allow her tears to fall;
instead, she asked Carrie to watch Belle and called Laura to make an
emergency appointment. She showered and dressed, choosing a heavy
turtleneck and blazer pantsuit to hide Roman and John’s amorously
obvious declarations of their love.

Laura was waiting with two cups of tea when Marlena arrived. Her
friend took one look at her and stood up to hug her. “Honey what is
it?” Marlena’s tear-stained face alarmed Laura.

“Oh Laura, I’ve created a mess that I don’t think I can fix.” She said
sitting down on the soft love seat across from Laura.

“John…” Laura said leaning forward to take Marlena’s hand.

Marlena’s mouth dropped open and a long sigh escaped. “Is it that obvious?”

“Maybe not to the naked eye… but there is something there, isn’t it?”

She bit her lip self-consciously, “Yeah,” she whispered timidly.
“There is something… there’s a big something Laura. I’m so scared of…
of this thing that’s pulling me deeper and deeper inside myself.”

“Release it honey. Tell me what it is?”

“Belle,” Marlena said hastily. “It’s Belle… she is not Roman’s
daughter Laura,” she spoke deliberately, watching Laura’s face as she
did. Knowing that finally saying the truth to someone other than John
meant that it was real. “She’s John’s.”

Laura remained stone-faced.

“I know it’s almost impossible to imagine… this whole thing is
impossible to believe. I couldn’t believe it myself, not really. I
think I was holding on to some false reality… about Belle and John.
He’s her daddy. Every time I look into her eyes I know it.” Marlena
said sadly. “I know it.”

“I know this is traumatizing for you Marlena… and I don’t want you to
delve into something you’re not ready to share. If Belle is John’s
baby then you and he had relationship. You and John were intimate?”

“Twice… we made love twice. I kept telling myself when I found out
about the baby that he couldn’t possibly be the father. Those two
times couldn’t outweigh all the nights Roman and I had spent
deliberately attempting to have a baby.” Marlena took a deep breath,
swallowing hard. “I slept with John on my anniversary—Roman’s and my
anniversary on Victor’s plane. He was leaving town and I couldn’t live
with the idea that I was driving him away.”

“How could you be driving him away?”

Marlena wrung her hands together before answering. The cold metal of
her wedding bad cooled her hand. “Denying him… denying myself. I’ve
been in love with John for the past eight years. Not the John that was
Roman; but John Black, my husband… my life,” she said, her voice
trailing off. “All of those years I was away… I didn’t yearn for
Roman, Laura. I wanted John. I needed him. Coming back to Salem and
finding him with Isabella broke my heart… then there was Roman. He
came back and I should be grateful for that—grateful for Roman’s
return. The children have their Daddy back and Caroline and Shawn have
their son back. Everyone has everything they want.”

“Everyone except you and John?”

“Laura, this is so complicated. Why can’t I forget about him? I should
know better than this. It’s self-destructive.”

“It’s love honey. You’re in love with John. You can’t turn those
feelings off just because you’re expected to. When you came back to
Salem you wanted John, and he was with someone else… and by default,
you and Roman reunited and acted as if nothing that happened in the
past couple of years had happened. That’s a dangerous notion Marlena.
You and John were never able to resolve all those feelings from the
time you were missing. You tried to close yourself off and now you’re
so raw and numb that it’s killing you. Look at you honey.”

“Laura, I’ve made love to John since Belle’s birth.”

“Oh Marlena.”

“I know… it’s not like me at all. It’s not something I totally
understand. I do love John… being with him makes me happy. But I have
no right to love John. I’m married to Roman.”

“Do you love Roman?”

“Of course I love Roman. I’ll always love Roman…”

“And John?”

“I love John.”

“You can’t have it both ways Marlena. Eventually you’ll have to
choose. Affairs are destructive forces. They are the source of so much
anger and pain; and, not only for you and for Roman… think of your
children. Think of Belle. Don’t you think they deserve a mother who is
fully involved in their lives? In affairs, you have to live a lie. You
have to cover up whom you really are so that you can hide what’s going
on with you. There has to be a decision made. You know that.”

“I do know that. I know that I love my husband and I know that I love
John. I can’t see the difference anymore. Maybe I just want to be with
John physically, and that it’s not about love at all.”

“Honey, do you really believe that? You know for women sex is about
the deep emotional connection between yourself and the person you
love. You’re not having sex with him because you need him physically;
there is a part of you that loves him deeper than you can say.”

“Laura, I can’t keep fighting this. As long as John is around… as long
as he’s here I can’t remain true to Roman.”

“Well, isn’t that your answer? If you loved Roman as much as you think
you do then John would be a non-issue. You have to explore that.”

“John’s the father of my child,” Marlena pointed out. “We’re connected.”

“You’re connected to Roman in the same way.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Roman didn’t raise our children. He’s barely had a birthday with
them. John has been the only father they’ve known. I feel like John is
their daddy.”

“But he’s not. You know Roman is the father of the twins and Carrie.
What you need to know for sure is if Belle really is John’s baby. I’m
not talking purely woman’s intuition. You should have a test done just
to be sure. And if he is, then maybe you and he can come to an
understanding. You have to make a decision either way. You can’t stay
in limbo forever Marlena.”

“I feel terrible.”

“Don’t feel terrible… just make a decision, honey. If it’s John then
be with John; if you love and want to be with Roman, then do so. I
wouldn’t tell you anything I didn’t believe myself. I’ve been in this
situation myself… the only person who ends up hurting are you and the
person you really love. I’m not saying who that person is but I am
saying that you have to choose one. Otherwise, you’ll be confused and
frustrated forever.”

“I need time to clear my head away from John and Roman.”

“That might be the best idea honey.”

“I could visit Mama and Daddy. I could also see Eric and introduce
them to Belle.”
“Sounds good to me Marlena but remember that you need to clearly
define Belle’s paternity. Ask John to take a test. I can set it up
here so that no one will know.”

“A paternity test?”

“Yes, you have to know either way.”

“You’re right Laura. Just for peace of mind,” she said knowing what
she’d have to do, where she would have to go.

“Belle could very well be Roman’s child Marlena.”

“This will kill John… he’s already so attached to Belle.”

“It’s hurting him either way. This way you’re sure… and then if it’s
necessary you can have legal papers drawn up to protect yourself and
Belle.”

“From John?”

“From whomever Marlena.”

“I’ll go talk to him…” she said standing up. “ Thank you for
listening. It’s been so tough keeping this inside.”

“Whenever you need me,” Laura told her leading her to the door. “John
will understand. Once this issue is resolved you can choose what you
have to do.”

“Thanks again,” Marlena said kissing Laura’s cheek. “I’m going to talk to John.”

“Good luck.”

Chapter 18- I Should Be Crying But I Just Can’t Let It Show

“My love for you [is] so strong
That no one can kill it
–not even you.”
— Anonymous

Indelible images of a family—his family—burst into his mind’s eye. A
family of small blonde children with eyes the color of the ocean, and
a beautiful blonde wife at his side—his ultimate fantasy; which, at
one time had been John’s reality.

“Get over it Black.” He spat angrily in the dead air of the dimly lit
loft. “She’s never going to chose you.” He pulled a black photo album
from its hiding place beneath the couch. Opening the first page to a
picture of Marlena; she was asleep in bed with Sami and Eric snuggled
up with her. He’d snapped the shot after a severely rough night with
the twins, who had been sick with colds. Always the nurturer, her hand
lay draped around the babies’ tummies; Sami close to her heart, Eric
only inches away. He thumbed on, compelled by a candid picture of
Marlena and himself, holding each other; her arms looped beneath his,
her lips resting tenderly on his chin; the width of his arms snaked
around the small of her back. She was the most beautiful woman he’d
ever known; however, aesthetics was not her appeal. He loved her
because she was the most loving, endearing woman he’d ever known. He
loved the way in which she loved her children; the way that her eyes
lit up whenever any one of them entered a room. He loved how much she
loved Carrie whom she hadn’t given birth to; but, loved her with the
same intensity and determination she did with her natural children.
John was drawn to the innate goodness of her spirit; by her love of
humanity and how much she enjoyed helping people. He remembered how
hard he’d searched for a place to land while he was suffering from
amnesia—until he looked into her eyes. It was as if she’d been saving
a place for him her entire life, losing her never seemed like an
option with them. Even when she was missing, he’d felt as if she
weren’t far from her. He still felt an incredible connection to her
then and more so now. He wanted to be with her and their children. He
wanted everything to be the way it had always been; but, he was
exhausted. He was tired of fighting Marlena; he was tired of fighting
himself.

A soft knock on the door jarred John from his self-imposed pity fest;
he dropped the photo album on the coffee table and hurried to the
door. Half-expecting to see Marlena, his heart leapt; instead, he slid
the door open to Kristen’s beaming face.

Taken aback, he said “Kristen … Hello.”

“Hi John, I hope I’m not interrupting you.”

John looked over his shoulder, eyeing his empty loft. “No… Come in.”
He said taking a step back to watch Kristen swaying pass him.

“Are you okay? You seem… I don’t know… maybe a little sad.”

John closed the door and followed Kristen inside. She sat down on the
couch; her hand went immediately to the photo album on the table. She
opened the leather-bound book to the picture of Marlena and John.
Looking from the photo to John she said, “Beautiful picture. It’s so
telling.”

John retrieved the album from Kristen in a haste, tossing it on the
counter top across the room. “I was just looking over some old
pictures.”

“Beautiful memories?”

“Yes they were. Doc and I had a wonderful life together.” He said
lowering his head. “You want something to drink. I’m going to have
something.”

“Something strong?”

“Very strong,” He told her walking to the kitchen to fix himself a
scotch on the rocks. “Nothing?”

“No,” Kristen said walking to meet John in the kitchen. “Where’s Brady?”

“With Victor. He loves him so much and ever since we lost Isabella…
he really looks to Brady. I’m happy to share the kid with Vic.”

“Well that’s good for Brady and Victor but what about you? It’s not
good for you to be here alone.”

“I’m fine Kristen.”

“With your memories,” She said eyeing John. “Don’t you think that it’s
time you moved on?”

“Move on… from what Kristen?”

“Marlena—her life is no longer your concern.” She said confidently.

“Why do you assume I’m consumed with Marlena,” John asked seeming
slightly embarrassed as he sipped his drink.

“You’re sitting here in the dark, looking over that photo album…
pining away for Marlena. I know how you feel about her. I can even
understand why you feel the way you do but John… she’s moved on.”

“Kristen I don’t want to have this discussion with you.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Marlena said entering the loft,
having been standing in the partially opened entrance. Kristen’s face
fell ashen, and she looked to John for his reprieve.

Kristen looked away from John toward the door, “Marlena.”

“Kristen, I’d like to speak with John… if you don’t mind.” She said
unbuttoning her coat, eyeing John from her place beside the counter;
the familiar photo album caught her attention.

Kristen waited for John to respond, lingering between John and
Marlena’s contentious glare down. John downed the last of his drink
before finally acknowledging Kristen, “Maybe it’s best if you go.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” He said showing her to the door. “I’m sorry about this.”

“If you need to talk after,” she said shooting Marlena a side glance,
“I’m available.”

“I’ll be okay,” John assured her as he waved goodbye, closed the door,
and turned back to face Marlena. “I’m not sure what you’re doing here
Marlena… but I think you should probably go.”
She rolled her eyes, obviously upset. “John, I came to talk to you. I
didn’t know you would be here with Kristen. I’m sorry if I
interrupted…”

John cut her sentence off abruptly, “Marlena, don’t come into my house
and act presumptuous. As you keep telling me, you have no right to
what goes on with me… isn’t that one of your favorite lines?”

“John, don’t…”

“Don’t what? I’m actually surprised that you aren’t jumping on top of
me right now,” He said heading to the open bottle of scotch. “Isn’t
this about the time when you want to be with me… when you think
someone else has me?”

Visually, Marlena silently followed John’s movements. The lost look in
John’s eyes saddened her. They were darting frenetically around the
room, his hand gripping his glass. She watched him take one sip, wipe
his mouth with the back of his hand, and then take another sip.

“Don’t look at me like that. You don’t get to judge me, Marlena. You
can’t keep doing this to me—to us. I deserve more than the moments
that you throw at me. I love you and you know that. You know I would
do anything for you but I’m tired of this back and forth. The limbo is
killing me Doc. I was hoping that you would come around eventually and
see things my way. I wanted you to finally be able to admit to the
world that you love me and want to be with me, but I don’t think
that’s going to happen.” He said dropping on the stool in front of the
counter. “Look at this family. We were happy.”

Marlena moved to his side, laying her hand across his shoulder
lightly. She could smell his spicy aftershave mixing with the alcohol
seeping through his skin. “John, this isn’t good for you,” she said
reaching for his glass.

He snatched it back. “I’m not one of your children. Don’t treat me
like I am. I’m an adult.”

“Then have an adult conversation with me without hiding behind
alcohol. You don’t need it.”

“No,” He said slamming his glass down. “I need you.” He reached up and
seized her face between his hands.

“John don’t, I didn’t come here for this.” Marlena said pulling out of
his grasp. “We have to talk.” She attempted to walk away; John
snatched her wrist to stop her.

“Doc, do you understand what this is doing to me?” He queried yanking
roughly on her arm, managing to turn her body back towards him.

“John, let go of my wrist please.”

He kissed her; clenching her mouth against his as he released her
wrist and lifted his hands to each side of her neck. He pulled the
material of her turtleneck down—kissing her—exposing the bites that
Roman’s mouth had left. Moving back incredulously, he wrenched her
forearms between his fingers, “you didn’t.” He said tracing her neck
with curious fingers, holding her steady and against her will.

“John stop this.” She managed to free herself from his hold on her
forearms. “I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this. I’ll
go.”

“No,” he said running to block her pathway at the entrance of the
loft. “No you won’t.”

“John.”

“No. You made love to Roman.” He accused her. “You promised me you wouldn’t.”

She shook her head.

“Yes.”

“No, I didn’t,” she reminded him. “I never said anything like that. I
could never promise you something like that John. I am married to
Roman. I have a life with him.”

The alcohol was tainting his mind, anger rose steadily, “You’re only
his wife when it suits you Marlena. Who are you fooling here? Yourself
or Roman? You can’t make love to me and then keep telling me how much
you love and respect him. You can’t possibly feel that way if you’re
here in my living room. Or calling out my name while you’re in my
bed.”

Marlena tried to gather words that would heal the moment, or at least
calm the moment. Nothing seemed suitable enough for the pain etched
across John’s face.

“Don’t stand there looking so innocent. You’ve done this. You’re apart
of this as much as I am. You can’t face up to it; you want me to take
all the blame. I’m not going to do that anymore.”

“John please,” she said bringing her hand to cover her mouth. She
didn’t want to break down in front of John, but her emotions ran over
the top. Tears caught in her throat making it hard to speak. “I don’t
want to argue with you. I wanted to talk about Belle.”

“What about Belle?” He yelled.

“I want—would you… I need you to take a paternity test.” She
stammered, dropping her eyes to the ground.

“Why?”

“Please.”

“I’m not going to appease you because you’re trying to work things out
with Roman. Because you fell back into his bed… that’s not my
problem.”

Stung by the venom in John’s words, she answered back “I didn’t… this
isn’t about Roman. It’s for you as much as it is for me—think of
Belle.”

“I have thought of Belle. I’ve told you… I know who her father is. I
can’t believe you would do this to her. What do you need the truth in
black and white so that you can what…?”

“John, don’t do this to me.”

“I’m not doing anything to you Doc. I’m fighting for my life here.
You’re not helping me.” He said taking her by the arm and dragging her
to the couch. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because we have to settle things. I can’t live in limbo anymore either.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I have to know. We need to know. I hope you want to know.”

“I know. I know she’s my little girl.”

“Well I don’t… not for sure anyway. I’m sorry if this hurts you. I
don’t know what else to do.”

“Doc,” John said clutching his hair in his hand. “How could you make
love to Roman? I don’t understand that Doc.”

“I’m not going to have this discussion with you. That is my husband.
What goes on in our bed is not your business. This is about Belle.”

“I’m so sick of hearing about your husband. Go to your husband then…
why are you here in my loft? You could have called to ask me this.”

“John.”

“I’m serious. Your husband… you’re bed, the whole thing makes me sick.”

“The way you’re acting makes me sick.” She replied. “You don’t own me.
This is my life it doesn’t belong to you. You don’t have the right to
this sense of entitlement… you lost that right a long before now
John.”

“I own everything about you. You can make love to however many men you
want and I’ll still be the man you want… and you know that. I can’t
believe you would let Roman touch you after all we’ve done when we’re
together. How did you explain the marks on your body to him?”

“Will you take the test?”

“Did you have another excuse that he bought? Did he kiss those places
to make them all better? Did he? Did you play the seductress for him
the way you did in your office with me?”

“John…”

“Did you? Did you cry out his name while he came in you?” He yelled,
disgusting himself enough to move away from Marlena. “Get out.”

“John, don’t…”

“Get out. I’ll make this easy on both of us… you asked me once while
you were in my bed never to hold anything against you that you’ve done
or said, because you loved me no matter what. I don’t believe that
anymore. I don’t believe you.”

“John, I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Don’t tell me what I feel. I truly am sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”

“You’re not sorry… go. Please just leave.”

“All right fine. I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for any of this. I’ll
have an appointment set up for you to take the test.”

“I haven’t said that I’d agree to any test.”

“You can’t see Belle without it. I’m not going to subject her to this
emotional tug of war.” She said without thinking.

“Don’t threaten me,” he warned her. “I’m her father.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do. You can’t admit it but I know it.”

“Don’t tell me what I know… I don’t want to see you again. Not like this.”

“Marlena, this is a small town.”

“I’m going away.”

“With my daughter?”

“With my daughter,” she corrected him. “It’s not been established
whose daughter she is.”

“Yes, and what does that say about you?” He spat.

She glared angrily at him, grabbing her coat from the back of the
couch. Without another word, she stormed out of the door.

Chapter 19- I Know You Have A Lot Of Strength Left

“Life isn’t about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself.”
— George Bernard Shaw

“Salem is not at all as I imagined it to be,” Mira LeMoyne purred in
her luxuriously southern accent. “I’m intrigued.”

“Intrigued,” Roman repeated, “How so?”

“It is nothing like it seems. Small towns seem to envelope the
citizens and force an identity of the environs—it is not so in Salem.
I’ve wondered what place my son could have grown in after his
disappearance. If it was as rich and magical as Louisiana is, I guess
I’m intrigued by the fact that John could have been away from me in
this small town, living without me. My life stopped after his
disappearance.” Mira said mournfully. Her piercing eyes haunting Roman
as they sat in the suite of her hotel. Mira exuded old southern charm
dressed in a willowy white dress, seemingly unaware of the chilling
temperatures beyond her window; silver rings layered the thinness of
her fingers; her dark curls were pulled back into a semi-knot in the
center of her head. “I had Amelia. Thank God for that little girl.”

Her name impaled Roman; the image of her running through the fields of
the LeMoyne mansion railroaded his concentration.

“Amelia… she’s a problem,” Mira inquired after reading the conflict in
Roman’s sudden change of disposition. “Her presence is not a happy
addition to your life.”

She was doc’s child, he reminded himself before answering. A willful
voice added that she was also John’s child. “I don’t know what she
means to my life. She is my wife’s little girl.”

“She’d counter that claim,” Mira said mysteriously.

Piqued, Roman looked to Mira asking, “Why? She’s not aware of her
mother is she?”

“I meant that she would say that she is more adult than child.” Mira
smiled envisioning her granddaughter. “She is an extraordinary child
Roman.”

“With you as her guardian, I’m sure that she is. How has she been with
you staying here in Salem so long?”

“Fine,” Mira said, a knowing smile creasing her mouth. “She’s doing
well with Raysa. We talk daily. She understands what I’m doing is
absolutely necessary to her well-being. I haven’t told her why I’m in
Salem.”

“You don’t know how to tell her,” Roman wondered aloud.

“Exactly. In due time, I won’t worry about this now. I’m more worried
about John. How does he seem to you?” She asked, fingering her neck.

“He seems like John. Have you seen him?”

“I have had a background check run on him; I’ve also hired a private
detective to follow him.”

“Do you think that’s wise Mira? John’s a trained police officer.”

“I understand but Roman I’ve just gotten him back in my life. I don’t
want to lose him again.”

“You won’t,” Roman assured Mira, realizing how late he would be for
his meeting with Marlena, “I have to go. I’ll come back as soon as
it’s possible.”

“Please do… I’m going to meet with my son very soon Roman. I am tiring
of this waiting game. I just want to hold him again… and tell him that
his Mama loves him.”

“In due time,” Roman said squeezing Mira’s hand. “I’ll call you later.”

“Goodbye. Take care of Samantha… Marlena.” She told him winking her
eye. “I’ll see you darling.”

~~~~~~~

“I’m late… I know I know Doc,” Roman said rushing into the front door
of their home. Marlena held up a finger, pointing to Belle lying
asleep on her chest.

“She finally went down,” she told Roman as she carefully maneuvered
herself from the couch without disturbing Belle. “I’ll put her
upstairs. There’s supper in the kitchen if you’re hungry.”

Roman made his way through the tunnel of Belle’s toys. Clearing a
space on the couch where he sat and took his shoes off. He closed his
eyes for a brief second. Waiting for the familiarity of his
surroundings to hit him; the scent of their house, of Doc’s perfume,
of Belle’s sweet talcum powered skin; familiar things that didn’t make
him seem a foreigner in the land.

“Comfortable?” Marlena asked coming back downstairs. “I can fix you
some supper if you would like me to.”

“No, I grabbed something at the station earlier.”

“Oh,” she said sitting down beside Roman.

“How are you? How was your day?” He questioned, leaning across the
pillows to kiss her lips.

“Fine. Everything’s well with my practice,” she said running her
finger along her jeans slowly. “I’m sure you’re curious as to what I’d
like to discuss.” She had spent hours in the mirror after visiting
John. Trying to make the empty, wanton look disappear from her eyes;
priming and primping, preparing herself to face Roman with what she
needed to say. The impact of her confrontation with John cemented what
she knew all along: she needed time away from the situation. Getting
away from Salem, away from John and Roman would give her a sense of
renewal and clear her mind. She’d decided in that mirror to call her
husband to ask if they could talk. Her request seemed mysterious to
Roman, she knew.

“Doc, what’s wrong?”

“Roman, I need you to listen to me,” she began as measured and
unsuspecting as she could. “I’ve made a decision about us… about
myself really.”

“Okay,” Roman said never taking his eyes off her face.

“I think I want to go visit my parents and Eric.”

“Oh that’s no problem, Doc. We can make it a family vacation for the
holiday, I mean if you’re talking about soon.”

“I am talking about soon. Possibly as soon as tomorrow.”

“That’s kind of soon Doc.”

“It is soon, but I don’t expect you to pick up and go with me.” She
told him watching him studying her mouth. “In fact, I want to go
alone… with Belle.”

“Alone? What, for the holiday?”

“Roman, I don’t really know how long I’ll be gone for,” she said
trying to edit herself. “I need some time to think. I’m not sure if
you realize this but we’re not living a life together anymore. We pass
in the night and say hello in the day. I’m not happy… we’re not
happy.”

“Doc, what are you saying?”

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I need time alone. I need time
with just me and my thoughts.”

“A divorce,” Roman queried with his attitude in check. He didn’t want
ever to get as angry as he had when he’d almost struck her. “Is that
what you’re trying not to say?”

“No, not at all. I’m saying I want some time away from you. From Salem.”

“Doc?”

“I’m sorry if this hurts you.”

“I’m not thinking solely of myself here Doc. What about our children?
You’re going to take Belle to Colorado for her first Christmas without
her siblings or her father. It just seems kind of extreme.”

“I don’t expect to be gone that long Roman.”

“You just told me you didn’t know how long you’d be gone didn’t you?”

“Well yes but… I don’t know. I hope to be back before too long. I
don’t want to uproot Sami for the holiday. She loves spending time
with you and her Brady relatives. I think she’ll be fine here.”

“Without her mother and baby sister?”

“Roman, I didn’t want to make this an argument.”

“Do I have any other choice? You’re sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

“I’m certain. We’ll be fine. It’s not forever,” she said tracing the
outline of Roman’s face. “I hope when I return that I can become a
better wife for you. You deserve that you know.”

“You’re the best there is Doc.”

“Thank you, but I’m really not. I don’t even know myself anymore.”

“You’re my wife. All you ever need to know is how much I love you.
I’ll go along with this as long as you realize that I’m not giving up
on you.”

“I hope that you don’t.”

“Good,” he said pressing his lips against her cheek. “I love you.”

Chapter 20- I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)

I have hope, now that I don’t have you
I have faith, now that I’m alone
I’m not bashing my head against the wall
I’m not waiting forever for your call
I’m not wasting time
Now that I don’t have you
Maybe someday I’ll love as others do
And fall for someone who’s half as cruel
Now that I don’t have you
I have dreams, now that you’re not lying
Next to me
I can sleep, I can rest in peace
I’m not burning up like I’m in hell
I can sleep
Now that I don’t have you
Maybe someday I’ll love as others do
And wake up one morning to skies of blue
But I won’t be with you
Now that I don’t have you
Maybe someday I’ll love as others do
And fall for someone who’s sad but true
Now that I don’t have you
— Jill Sobule
Now That I Don’t Have You

It had happened; something awful had finally happened to them, and
they could never be the same. One week. Seven whole days of silence
and brooding had passed into time without lessening any of the pain in
John’s spirit. He awoke each morning, arrested by unencumbered
emotions. Haunted by the image of Marlena’s crestfallen face, a mask
of marked disappointment darkened her usual shine. She’d turned so
swiftly on her heel, scurrying from the loft, in tears—he was certain
of her tears. He stubbornly resisted an innate sense to follow and ask
for forgiveness. She’d gone too far; she’d asked too much. The
self-imposed exile that she’d chosen to instigate infuriated him
further. The final straw had been Laura’s phone call—asking John to
have a blood test to confirm or deny Marlena’s suspicions. He decided
to do the only logical thing available: contact a lawyer. If Marlena’s
indecision persisted, he would never have a relationship with his
daughter. John couldn’t live with that idea. He refused to. Roman
could have Marlena; he could not have his daughter.

Avery Chase walked with a confidence that John recognized and
appreciated. Young and intelligent, she was also a beautiful woman
with blonde hair and hazel eyes with a remarkable resemblance to
Marlena. John followed her easy stride from the door of Bella’s—a
quiet, private café—chosen by Avery. After an initial meeting, Avery
suggested an informal lunch to go over the perimeters of John’s case.
Conservatively dressed in a sedate black pants suit, she slipped
across the table from John, placing a file on the table.

“What’s this?” John asked lifting the manila folder.

“Your case file. The child in question… Isabella Brady and mother have
already been tested. Those are the results.” Avery said, her voice
lilted with southern dialect.

“The child in question—my child—is called Belle.”

“Sorry,” she said waving her hand girlishly in front of her face.
“Belle. It’s a beautiful name. If you want my opinion…”

“I pay for your opinion.” John reminded her.

“Yes you do… and in my opinion, you should concede to giving a sample
of your DNA. You’re certain that Belle is your child?”

“I am,” he said cocking his eyebrow. “There is no doubt in my mind Ms. Chase.”

“Um… I think we’re in a little less formal atmosphere for the Ms.
Chase. Call me Avery.” She told John opening the menu in front of her,
“Would you like me to order for you? I eat here all the time?”

“Avery, I trust your opinion. Sure.” John said reading over the file.
“We’ve discussed the issue at hand.”

“Yes… Belle’s paternity.”

“Well there’s more to this than only her paternity. This is an awkward
situation. As I’ve explained to you on our first meeting, Belle is the
result of a premarital relationship between her mother and me.”

“And the mother is still married?”

“Yes. Her husband believes that Belle is his child; everyone believes
Belle is his child.”

“Well legally Belle is the child of the mother’s husband. The law
presumes that a wife’s children are the result of the marriage.”

“So I have no legal right to my child—if her mother were to attempt to
keep her from me,” he said, cringing at the very taste of those words
in his mouth. “This is where you come in Chase.”

“No,” she said waving her slender finger. “This is where you come in.
You have to prove that you are the legal father of Isabella… that’s
where you’re case is the strongest. And if you are as you say…”

“I am,” he said.

“Well then we have to prove it. Would you like me to set up an
appointment for a test with one of the firms we use?”

“No, the doctor Marlena chose is fine with me. I don’t want this to
get out. It’s an embarrassing situation for her.”

Avery moved forward in her chair, crossing her legs seductively in
John’s view. “You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”

John matched her move, leaning discreetly across the table. “I don’t
see what one thing has to do with the other.”

“She must have burned you badly,” Avery reasoned, laughing lightly.
“You’re a man in love, John.”

“I’m a man who needs to secure his right to his daughter. Love, in
terms of romantic love has nothing to do with this. I love my
daughter. I’m not going to discuss my relationship with her mother.”

“Okay, your choice,” Avery said propping her chin on her upturned
palm. “So, we proceed with the test?”

“Yes. And when the results come in, will she receive them?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” John said beguiled by Avery’s charm. The soft way she
pronounced words with a Scarlet O’Hara type naiveté. Soft waves of
blonde hair moved with a tilt of her head. He smiled while she ordered
lunch.

“Why are you watching me so?” Avery asked after the waiter’s departure.

“You’re accent. I’ve always been fascinated by women with Southern
accents… I’m not sure why.”

“It’s a Southern woman’s weapon of choice. We can do so many things
with one simple tilt of our tongue. My mama taught me that.”

“Good to know… are you using this as a weapon against me?” he said playfully.

“No, I’m simply being myself with you. You’re a very charming man yourself.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m sure we’ll have more than a few charming moments.”

“Will we?”

“Yes we will,” Avery added assertively. “More than a few.”

After a charming, flirtatious lunch, John walked Avery to her car. She
crooked her arm through John’s and walked at a slow, steady pace. Her
perfume reminded John of Marlena, everything about Avery was a
reminder of Marlena. She kissed him on his cheek and climbed into her
convertible.

“I’ll call you with the details for your appointment.”

“Thank you.” He closed her door and watched her pull away. For the
first time in a long while, he actually felt relieved. Smiling to
himself, he walked back to his jeep, heading home.

Chapter 21- I’d Run Right Into Hell And Back

“Imperfection is inherited, therefore we all sin.”
“Everybody’s at war with different things…
I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.”
Tupac Amaru Shakur

December 1993, Colorado

“I’ve never appreciated the understated beauty of home until I went
away,” Marlena said. The beauty of Colorado lay breathtaking spans of
mountain tops melding into the open-sky. The healing winds rustled
leaves along the ground, along the rooted towered trees. “It’s so
wonderful here Mama.”

Martha nodded toward her daughter. They were having a quiet lunch
alone. Belle and her grandfather Frank were napping in the upper level
of the three-story house. Eric had been spending time in Vail at a
friend’s ski cabin.

“I missed this so much,” Marlena said reaching her hand across the
table. “I miss home and you. I miss Daddy and Eric. It’s so good to be
here.”

Martha Evans listened intently, observing her daughter with the
unmistakable eyes of a mother; one whom knew her child; who could
listen to her voice and know that there was more than what she could
say; she read Marlena’s eagerness—her avoidance of Roman’s phone
calls; she recognized the turmoil inflicting her eyes—the haunted
look. Marlena had always been her most readable child; Sam had a gift
of keeping secrets, she had always been an actress. Marlena’s quiet,
unassuming personality betrayed the ease of secrets.

Martha further examined her daughter: on the outside, she was a
picture of adoration and beauty. Those beautiful, forgiving eyes;
masses of blond hair upswept into a ponytail, her father’s freckled
skin—a detailed map of her combined lineage. Martha was a petite,
ashen blonde whose beauty had been described as classic throughout the
years. Her eyes were the color of shimmering emeralds. Her voice was
strong and clear, yet soft as a dove.

“Honey, will you allow your Mama to pry a bit?” Martha inquired
sipping daintily on a cup of Earl Grey tea.

“Of course Mama.”

“I know you love your Daddy and I very much,” Martha began, moving
closer toward Marlena, “but you didn’t come home simply to visit us,
did you?”

“Mama, I’ve missed you all so much. I thought it was time to bring
Belle to see you since you and Daddy couldn’t travel to Salem.”

“Marlena, this is Mama you’re talking to. You’re my daughter…. in many
ways that means you’re exactly like your Mama. You would never take
Belle from her family on Christmas.”

“You are Belle’s family,” Marlena said emphatically.

“Yes we are, but there’s something going on at home. Tell Mama.”

Martha watched as Marlena pushed herself away from the table. She
stood and began to pace across the room. “Mama… I don’t want you to be
disappointed in me.” She said stopping at the bay window in the center
of the room.

“I’m your mama,” Martha said crossing the room to where Marlena stood.
She wrapped herself around her daughter. “Tell me,” she urged gently,
“this won’t get better until you release it.”

“I’m not so sure that is true Mama.”

“Come here and sit down,” she said ushering Marlena toward the sitting
area of the kitchen. Marlena smiled, remembering how cookies greeted
her in this same place after school each day.
“Nothing ever changes at home… does it?”

“Never. Nothing ever changes anywhere honey. It’s a never-ending
cycle…and that is the good quality about life. Things may shock and
surprise us, but my girl, they have happened to other people before.”

“You’re saying that because you don’t know,” Marlena said lowering her
head. “Mama I’ve sinned. I’ve betrayed my family…I’ve betrayed Roman.”

Martha listened unaffected.

“I had an affair with John and Belle could be John’s daughter.” She
managed to confess, without tears. “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever
done in my life.”

“No honey. No. Don’t you say that. Is Belle the worst thing you’ve
ever done in your life?”

Marlena shook her head emphatically.

“Well then…this is not all bad honey.”

“Mama, I’ve sinned,” she cried, “I had an affair with John. I betrayed
Roman repeatedly. There is no way I can be forgiven for that.”

“You can be forgiven for anything Marlena. Anything at all.”

“Mama,” Marlena whispered turning away, “I know you’re disappointed.”

Martha cupped her chin and turned her gently back to face her. “I’m
not disappointed in you, honey. I’m disappointed for you. I know how
you feel about John and Roman.” She remembered the turmoil of Roman’s
return. She loved and respect both Roman and John. They treated her
daughter well; they loved her grandchildren well. She was however
closer to John. She’d maintained a relationship with John when they
assumed Marlena was gone. He brought the children to Colorado
faithfully each summer, and certain holidays. Martha hadn’t known
Roman as well as she’d come to know John but she loved and respected
him, also. “Honey, you’re not certain of Belle’s paternity?”

Marlena shook her head, “we took a blood test before we flew in. The
results should be clear today, actually. Laura gave me a heads up. I
am more than anxious to have the results.”

“No matter what this test says honey—you’re Belle’s Mama. And you are
capable of anything. You’ve lived through a lifetime of anguish and
you somehow find a way to come out on the other side. Listen to your
Mama sweetheart…we are all sinners anyway. You have to let yourself be
human. You’ve always been such a giving and wholesome girl. You were
that way with Samantha. You sacrifice yourself in order to satisfy
everyone else. This is your life. You have to be happy.”

“Mama, my happiness causes so much pain for others.”

“You are only responsible for your happiness. You love John, don’t you?”

Marlena looked away.

“You do…you don’t have to say so. I know.”

Marlena bit into her bottom lip, “I don’t even know.”

“You know,” Martha answered knowingly. “If it weren’t true then you
wouldn’t be in this situation. You would never do something as
unfeeling as this.”

“Mama you give me too much credit. I’m really a flawed individual.”

“Yes, and you are allowed to be flawed. This is life honey. You only
have one chance at it. Sometimes we fail miserably but you have to
pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. You can’t just
give up.” Martha pressed her hand to Marlena’s chest; feeling the
rapid thumping in her palm. “If there were no Roman would John be your
choice in here.”

“Mama, Roman exists…we can’t pretend as if he doesn’t.”

“Answer the question sweetheart. If you could have a life with John would you?”

“Mama, it’s a fantasy. It’s unrealistic. I have a husband and children.”

Martha craned her neck discursively, “and what if one of those
children happens to be John’s, dear. It’s not as if you have the right
to tell him to pretend otherwise. I’ve watched John be a father to the
twins; it is about of who he is. He’s a wonderful father.”

“Mama, please. None of this will matter if he’s not Belle’s father.”

“I think you know who Belle’s father is Marlena. You know that she
belongs to John.”

“Mama, she’s a baby. She doesn’t belong to anyone,” Marlena said
curtly. She softened her tone when she spoke again, “Mama. It all
hinders on what the test says.”

“Well honey, when she calls I hope you’re ready to deal with reality.
This will not get any better allowing it to simmer. You’re avoiding
your husband. You’re son is avoiding you. It’s not getting
healthier—your family is disintegrating. You owe it to yourself and
the people who you love to set things right. If you’re unhappy then
that means they are unhappy. The world will not stop turning if you do
something that people don’t expect of you. There will be some whispers
and comments, let them talk, you live in a small town, but in order to
get your house in order it all must begin with you.” Martha said
kissing Marlena’s forehead. “You call Laura. Don’t wait until she
calls you.” She advised, rising. “Go on.”

“Mama,” her voice grew humble, “I love you for understanding this. Thank you.”

“I love you too baby. Now go on…call Laura. I’m going up to check on
Daddy and Belle.”

Marlena watched her mother’s petite frame disappear on the stairwell.
She took a deep breath and lifted the phone to dial University. After
a couple stomach flipping rings, she heard Laura’s voice on the other
end.

“Hi Laura, it’s Marlena.”

“Hi honey. How are you?”

“Well, I’m anxious to know the results,” she said quickly, “have you
gotten them back yet?”

“I actually was just about to go over them. They just arrived,” Laura
said calmly. “I know it’s been a long three weeks. I’m sorry you had
to wait over Christmas. Hope it didn’t ruin the holidays for you.”

“It was fine. We had a beautiful Christmas here.”

“Good. You need some normalcy in your life Marlena.”

“Being with my parents has helped me a lot. You never grow up to your
parents…they still treat me as if I’m the little baby girl.”

“How’s Eric?”

“Strangely enough Laura, I don’t know. He’s so distant…he stays away
from home quite frequently. He’s in Vail now with friends. I plan to
set aside some time for him before Belle and I head back home. How is
home?” She said cautiously.

Laura heard the unspoken question. “I haven’t seen much of John. In
fact, when he took the test, I dealt with his new lawyer more than
him.”

“New lawyer? Why would John need a lawyer?”

“According to Ms. Avery Chase, he wants to know his options whatever
the results may be.”

“John wouldn’t get a lawyer…he knows I would never keep Belle from
him—if she’s his daughter.”

“Speaking of which,” Laura said being reminded of the manila envelope
in her hand. “Let’s get this over with.”

Marlena listened carefully to Laura immediate reaction. She waited
herself with bated breaths, unsure of what she hoped the turnout would
be. As Martha had warned, she knew without the results.

“She’s John’s honey. Belle is John’s baby. 99.99% his child.”

Marlena cradled the phone to her ear. The number sunk deep into her
spirit; there was no more dispute—John was Isabella’s father. Silence
seemed appropriate.

“Honey?”

“I’m here Laura. It’s just I think I knew the answer anyway…this just
makes it real. John is Belle’s father. I have to tell Roman.”

“Wait Marlena…you need time to digest this. Roman and John can wait.”
She counseled, realizing there was another envelope mixed in the
larger one. “There is another envelope here Marlena.”

“What is it?” Marlena asked hopefully.

“Well,” Laura said opening the envelope. “Marlena you’re pregnant honey.”

“I’m what?”

“Pregnant.”

Chapter 22- Some Days Don’t Come Easy

“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.”
–Anne Sexton

A new moon arose; the dark canvas of open sky collided with glittering
stars of dazzling white arrayed in linear patterns of intricate
design. A new moon arising, at the foot of a new year encased Salem
serendipitously; the presence of its beauty signified an ending to the
tumultuous anxiety of yesteryear. Among the prevailing optimism of the
New Year was John: anticipating the New Year with a clearer head, a
little less weary, a little less sad. With Avery Chase on his arm, he
moved charismatically through the crowd, confidence in his stride, a
smile cemented on his face.

“It’s beautiful here John,” Avery Chase said surveying the interior of
Salem’s newest upscale restaurant: The Penthouse Grill.

“Yes I guess it is…but there is another beauty here that captures my
eye,” he said kissing her lightly on her forehead, “you look
absolutely stunning Avery.” He hooked his arm across the small of her
back. “Let’s dance.” Admiring the strapless evening gown hugging
Avery’s body as he followed her lead to the dance floor.

“Are you happy John?”

He pulled Avery closer, “Yes I am. I feel renewed.”

“It’s probably just New Year fever.”

“New Year fever?” he repeated scrunching his eyebrows.

“We call it a fever in the South. Everything is made new again on this
night…old things have passed away. I’ve always enjoyed New Year’s Eve.
It’s my favorite time of the year. We have large celebrations back
home in New Orleans.” Avery explained. “You know auld lang syne and
all.”

“Auld lang syne: the times gone past; the good old days.”

“Good old days? Do you still long for those good old days?”

“I’m looking ahead to the future,” John told Avery frankly. The future
without Marlena; the future with his daughter. “Those test results
really changed my life.”

“You knew the results anyway,” Avery reminded him. “You always knew
she was your daughter.”

“Well now Doc knows.”

“Have you decided about what the results mean? How you will proceed with this?”

“No, I don’t know what the New Year will bring.”

“Do you hope it’ll bring Marlena Evans back into your life,” Avery
asked. A jealous spark flashed in the brownness of her wide eyes.

John stroked her cheek softly. “I’m happy with the company I am keeping now.”

“Good. These past three weeks have been the happiest of my entire
life. I found myself becoming a member of the John Black appreciation
club.”

He blushed. “There is no club.”

“Of course there is John. There are many members in the club. Luckily,
I’m ahead of the rest of them,” she said winking. “I’m going to go
powder my nose. Will you order me a strong drink?”

“Yes I will. I’ll find a table.” He headed to the bar. Almost
immediately, he spotted more than a few familiar faces. The Brady’s:
Bo and Hope, Shawn and Caroline, and Roman; the Horton’s: Laura and
Mike with respective dates, and Carrie and Sami huddled
conspiratorially in the back of the restaurant. He smiled as Carrie
made her way toward him.

“John, I’m so happy to see you here.”

Words seemed impossible as John eyed his daughter, noticing how mature
she seemed and looked in her evening gown. He held onto her, enjoying
the feeling of having one of his babies back in his arms. “Punkin, how
are you?”

“Fine…I miss you,” she said pressing her head against his chest. “We
all miss you.”

“I miss you too,” he admitted freely. “I miss you and the twinners
more than anything else.”

“That’s right; you have all the memories, don’t you?”

“Yes I do. Enough of all that,” he said catching the ire in Roman’s
face across the room. “You look beautiful baby. You’re growing up.”

“I’m grown up. I’m in college now.” She said proudly.

“Carrie, you’ll always be a little runt to me.”

“Good. I want to be.” She said finally loosening her arms from around
John’s waist. “I saw you come in with a date. Who is she?”

John took a step back. “Whose the…” pausing at his choice of words.

“You are the dad and I am the daughter. I’m asking as your daughter.”

Touched by Carrie’s words, he circled his arm around her shoulder.
“You don’t have to say that, Carrie. You know your dad is back.”

“I’m looking at my dad,” she said unashamed. “You’re my dad as much as
Roman is. And as my dad, I’m asking you who the woman we saw you
with,” she said tilting her head towards Sami, who was watching their
exchange. “We’d like to know.”

“We? As in Sami and you?”

“As in Sami and me.”

“Avery Chase.” He said realizing he would tell her anything that she
asked. They had the ability—his girls—with a tilt of the head, or a
gleam in their eye to pull any truth from him.

“Are you dating her?”

“We’re taking things slowly.”

“Oh…have you heard from Marlena?”

His eyes glazed over with the mention of her name. “No. I haven’t.
She’s still in Colorado?”

“Yes. They’ll be home tomorrow. We’ve missed them so much. Sami and I
have been going crazy in the house with Roman. It’s not the same. He’s
not like you.”

“Come on Punkin, don’t compare…we’re two different men.”

“And fathers too…Roman doesn’t understand that I’m growing up. I’m moving on.”

“Moving?”

“Well, I’m thinking of it. I’d like to talk about that with you.”

“Oh, I’m all ears,” he said seriously. “What does Marlena think?”

“Not now daddy,” Carrie said so sweetly. “I don’t want to ruin New
Year’s Eve for you.”

“This is me you’re talking to kid. I want to know what you’re doing.
I’ve been neglectful, I’m sorry about that Carrie.”

“It’s understandable. Nobody knows the boundaries of our relationships
anymore. Sami is just as confused as I am. Roman expects our
relationship to be perfect overnight. Sami wants to please him; I just
want everything to be the way it was.”

“It can’t be…but that doesn’t mean that you and I can’t have a
relationship. I know I told Roman that I would stay away from you
all…”

Carrie interrupted, “Why would you promise that?”

“I’m trying to be fair to him.”

“What about you? What about how unfair that seems to you?”

“Carrie, this is not the time to get into this. You know the way I
feel about you.”

“I know how you feel about all of us…even Marlena. Something is going
on with you two. I know it.”

“Not now,” he said hugging her again. “You enjoy this night. I want to
see you tomorrow whenever you’re free. Okay?”

Carrie nodded, waving Sami over toward them. “She’s so worried about
upsetting Roman…she does miss you daddy.”

They watched Sami ease uncomfortably toward them, glancing at her
family as she did. She stood beside Carrie; her hands tightly strewn
together at her waist. “Hello John.” “Hi Sami, how’s it going?”

“Good.” She said turning slightly to read Roman’s face.

“I know you don’t want to hurt him,” John whispered, remaining at the
distance between them. “I don’t want to upset your relationship. I
still love you Samantha.”

Sami awkwardly lowered her eyes to the floor as she was nervously
twiddling her thumbs. “I know.”

“You don’t have to choose Samantha. He is your father.”

“You’re our father,” Carrie added. “Sami knows that. Don’t you Sami?”

“Carrie…I—it’s not you daddy,” she said easily. The words slipped so
naturally that it took her time to recover from her slip.

“You don’t have to be ashamed of your feelings. I don’t expect you to
want me around anymore.”

She looked up suddenly, “but I do. I don’t want you to be gone from
our lives. I just don’t want to hurt him.”

“Understandable honey…it’s your call. You can call me whenever you
need to talk. I’m here for you. I still love you as if you were my
family,” John told the girls. Carrie’s face lit up at his utterance of
family. She reached out and grabbed his hand. “I’ll always love you.”

Sami moved forward slightly. An awkward motion to encircle John
instigated the clearance he needed. He pulled her into his arms,
nuzzling against her blonde hair. “I love you.” Sami whispered,
letting go of John quickly.

“More fans for the appreciation club?” Avery said stepping beside John.

Carrie and Sami looked her over intently. It was Carrie who spoke up
first. “I’m John’s daughter Carrie…you must be Avery,” she said
hooking her arm through Sami’s arm. “And this is my sister Samantha.”

Avery’s cheeks flushed crimson. “I am Avery.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Carrie said extending her hand
graciously while Sami eyed the interaction silently.

“Avery these are my two best ladies,” John said trying to clear the tension.

“Have you met our mother?” Carrie asked suddenly.

“No, I’ve heard many nice things about her. She’s a lovely lady.”

“We think so, don’t we daddy?”

John smirked. “Yes we do. Everybody loves Dr. Marlena Evans.”

“Yes,” Carrie said. “Everybody. Well daddy we’ll go and let you enjoy
your date. Happy New Year.”

“We will,” Avery answered unwarranted. Carrie shot her a glance before
departing. “Lovely girls.” She said after they were safely on their
side of the room.

“I think so. My Punkins.”

“I guess.” She said cautiously. “They are pretty territorial about you
and their mother.”

“You think? All kids want their parents to be together.”

“John, from what I’ve learned in the three weeks we’ve been dating is
that they are no longer your family. They are Roman’s daughters…in
fact Carrie is not even Marlena’s biological daughter.”

“Semantics Avery…those are my daughters as much as Belle. Marlena
loves Carrie with the same regard as she does any of her other
children. The same goes for me. We are an intricate family but we all
love one another.”

“Well,” She said lifting the glass from the bar to her lips. “Where
does that leave me?”

“Wherever you want to be. I can’t promise you one hundred percent of myself.”

“I’m not asking for one hundred percent. I just want a piece of you.”

“Well, that’s what I’m here for. I’m ready to move on.”

“How can you move on with Marlena’s children still calling you daddy?”

“Avery, it might be hard for you to understand this but I’m the man
they know of as daddy. I was that for a very long time. I’m being as
honest as I know how to be: I love Marlena. I love her children. That
won’t change. I know I can’t be with her; I’m choosing to be here with
you. We can’t talk about my relationship with them, you don’t
understand it, and I’m not willing to explain it. Accept that this is
the person that I am, right now. Down the road who knows…but for right
now, this is all I can offer.”

Avery leaned forward to kiss John. She pulled salaciously on his mouth
with her lips, unaware of eyes and murmurings. “I want to go home with
you, now.” She whispered.

“Are you sure?”

She snatched his hand, propped her drink back on the bar and pulled
him out of the restaurant.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Honey…can we talk?” Marlena asked in the doorframe of Eric’s bedroom.
The room was a composition of Eric’s personality. He was more Evans
than Brady. Beautiful art and personal photography covered the walls
of the tidy bedroom. “I love this one,” Marlena said spotting a black
and white photo of her parents, taken by Eric. He had captured the
easy essence of their lovingly devoted relationship. “It’s gorgeous
honey.”

“Thanks Mom.” Eric said without moving from the bed where he was
sitting with his legs planted firmly on the floor.

Marlena observed his behavior. The avoidance he’d been practicing with
not only her but also Belle, since their arrival. “Can I sit?”

“Sure.” He said looking at the empty space beside him. “I don’t want
to be head shrunk Mom.” He told her politely.

Marlena sat, placing her hands in her lap to ensure that she wouldn’t
reach out to touch her son. She wanted to run her fingers through his
blonde hair and stroke his cheeks, to kiss him apathetically. She
didn’t; instead, she looked to the picture that his attention was
focused on: a picture of their family, with John sitting in the center
of the children; Marlena hung securely around his neck from behind. “I
don’t remember that picture.”

“We took this after you came home. Dad—John wanted to remember…never mind.”

Marlena turned toward Eric, “No, go on honey. I want to know what’s
bothering you.”

“Nothing is bothering me.” He answered quickly. “I’m fine. We’re all fine.”

“No we’re not. You’ve been avoiding me since I came home Eric. It’s
not a judgment honey.”
“Mom, can we not do this?”

“You sound like me when you say that,” she said smiling at her son.
“You know me honey. You know I have to talk about this. I’m not sure
where this is coming from…you’re silent and brooding.”

“Mom, don’t analyze me please.”

“I’m not. This is your mama talking…not the doctor. I love you and
your sisters very much. I don’t know how to settle this for you. Is it
about your daddy? And John?”

“Mom.” He said pained. “Please leave it be.”

“I can’t honey. Talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk. I just want to be left alone. You sent me away
to be left alone. I don’t think that’ll be hard for you.” He said in a
hushed tone.

“Eric.”

“I’m sorry Mom.”

“No,” she said attempting to muddle through the anger in Eric’s voice.
“I want you to feel comfortable with your words.”

“I just don’t feel comfortable talking about this with you…too much
time has passed.”

“It’s never too late. I’m here.”

“You’re here now,” he reminded her. “You haven’t always been here Mom.
It was John that was here…and now I’m not supposed to love him. You’re
not supposed to love him. I don’t understand. I’ve been trying so hard
to love Dad—Roman; to reach out to him. He doesn’t get it. I don’t
think anybody gets it.”

“Baby, I understand that,” she confirmed for Eric, “I know what you’re
going through. Can I be honest? You’re mature enough to understand
that what happened to our family is impossible to come through without
any scars. We’re scarred. And we’re trying to move on…especially you
kids.”

“What about you Mom? I don’t want to hurt your feelings or Dad’s but I
don’t know you all as much as I know John. I know him. I know he feels
about us…how much he loves Sami, Carrie, and me. I also remember how
much he loves you, how much he’s always loved you. I feel like we’re
living a lie.”

Marlena inched closer to Eric, gently taking his hand—with his nod of
approval—into her hand, “Baby, it’s not a lie…not the way I feel about
you.”

“I know you love me and my sisters. I know that. I love Roman because
that’s what I’m supposed to do, but I want our family to be John and
you. I want that back.”

“Honey, we can’t have that back. It’s too late for that.” She said
sorrowfully. She unconsciously covered her belly with a protective
hand. “Now we have to move on and make this family work.”

“No. I’m sorry but that was my family; that was my life that you and
Roman are trying to move on from. You even had a new baby to forget
what we had. It’s unfair of you to think that just because you want
Roman to be the husband, and be the father that that’s what we want.
We don’t.”

“I’m not…I don’t expect you to forget what you had with John. He loves you.”

“I know…but we’re not allowed to love him.”

“Eric, you can love as many people as your powerful heart can allow.”

“Mom, it’s not that simple. I’m sixteen and I understand that it’s not
that simple.”

“Baby, listen to me…you don’t have to worry about these things. I’m
the parent. It’s my responsibility. You said that we left you alone
here…I thought it’s what you wanted.”

“I’m a kid Mom. I don’t know what I want…not all the time,” he reminded her.

She smiled, acknowledging Eric’s poignant statement. “I know.
Sometimes you are so mature I forget that you still need me to be your
mommy.”

“I don’t want to be mature. I want to be a normal sixteen-year-old kid
with normal issues.”

“You can be.”

“I can’t…not here anymore.”

“What do you mean not here? In Colorado?”

“Mom, I’ve been getting involved in some things…promise me that you’ll listen.”

“I promise.”

“Keith and I owe some guy a lot of money…for drugs.”

Her face dropped, “drugs?”

“Mom, listen to me,” Eric continued, “it’s something new…just
something we wanted to do. I’m not going to get into specifics but
we’re into some kid that scores for us for a lot of money.”

“How much Eric?”

“A lot, but it’s my debt to pay. I don’t want you to handle it.”

“You’re telling me because you couldn’t handle it. Are you using drugs now?”

“No.”

“Eric?” She said raising her eyebrows.

“No Mom, I swear.”
“You’re coming home with me and your sister. Tomorrow. I can’t leave
you here.” She said suddenly. “You understand that I can’t allow you
to stay here.”

“I’m done with the drugs.” Eric said solemnly. “I really am. I wanted
to experience something…to experiment.”

“Honey, experimentation leads to so many other things. And I fear that
this was more than trying to gain experience. You’re a good kid Eric.”

“Sometimes good kids do stupid things.”

“Exactly. You’re smarter than that.”

“Am I?”

“Yes,” Marlena cried squeezing Eric’s hand. “You are. Now I’m not
promising that everything will be okay when you get home, but together
we can work towards that. It’s going to be a New Year honey. We can
all start a fresh and new. Okay?”

“Mom, I don’t know.”

“It’s not really a choice that I’m giving you. I can’t allow with good
conscious you to stay here. We’ll figure this all out. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“This is a promise I will keep,” she assured him, “we’re going to get
through this together. My children are the most important things in my
life. I’m not going to lose you. I’ll talk to your grandparents about
this.”

“You won’t tell them will you?”

“I’ll handle it. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of everything before we
leave. I know what I have to do here and in Salem.” She said reaching
for Eric. He allowed her to grasp him firmly. She hadn’t held her boy
in a long time. The sinewy frame she remembered was getting thicker.
He was growing, maturing. “I love you baby. I want you to stop
worrying. I’m going to work this all out,” she said, speaking to both
the new baby growing inside her stomach and her older baby, holding
her tightly. “Mommy will work it out.”

“Mom, I’m scared.”

“You don’t have to be. We’re going to be okay.”

She saw the clock at Eric’s bedside, midnight was seconds away. “Come
on honey…lets go celebrate the New Year with Mama and Daddy.” They
scurried to the living room where Martha and Frank were holding
champagne flutes filled with sparkling water. Marlena handed Eric a
glass before taking one. At midnight, they formed a circle of hugs;
Marlena kissed each one of her family members whispering, “Happy New
Year.”

Chapter 23- As Long As Your Dreams Are Coming True

“Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken wing
That cannot fly.”
— Langston Hughes

It was her favorite bedtime story—three significant lines really. She
repeated the refrain groggily, accompanied by Raysa’s caressing voice.
“I like you forever. I love you for always. As long as I’m living, my
baby you’ll be.” Her eyes fell against the darkness as sleep eclipsed
her quickly. Blond hair draped across her heart-shaped face.
Dreamland. In her dream, she was mobile, skipping happily along. She
turned slightly on her heel, pirouetting across the tall field grass
outside the house. Raysa’s voice soon disappeared and another faceless
spirit of unique distinction, not Southern, not Mira, called her name.
She searched her surroundings: in the distance, a willowy form
emerged. Long blonde hair lapped in the wind as the willowy form
quickened her pace. Amelia. The voice was familiar and she couldn’t
distinguish why. With a whim as swift as the wind, she turned and
sprinted away from the familiar stranger.

Her sleep broken, Amelia startled awake in her bed. She was alone.
Longing for the familiar touch of Mira’s protective hand, she climbed
from her canopy bed. Scurrying across the hallow halls of the house,
she stopped Mira’s bedroom door, turning the knob, she slipped
discreetly inside. The room always held a magical essence for Amelia.
Her eyes strayed immediately to the foot of Mira’s towering bed; a
cedar chest occupied the space. She flicked on the lamp by the
bedside, careful to remain as noiseless as possible. Raysa was
sleeping three doors down; she would not be pleased with Amelia’s
snooping. Her dream led her there, at the cusp of some unknown
facility in the cedar chest. A force drew her hands to the metal
clasp. She lifted the clasp, her eyes widened as she opened the heavy
lid. She’d watched Mira open the said chest discreetly in the past.
Her heart skipped a beat as she pawed the contents of Mira’s chest.
Blonde hair arrested her attention, the remainder of a torn
photograph. With a stranger, a familiar stranger holding her—as a
baby—close to her heart. She traced the ripped edges with quivering
fingers. It was the dream stranger; but she couldn’t be a stranger.
She was beautiful; she looked exactly like her. Dropping the picture,
Amelia folded her knees to the ground. She wanted her body to stop
trembling. Something ignited within her spirit. She’d known the
beautiful woman, if not only in her dreams. Lifting the tattered
picture, Amelia closed the chest and climbed into Mira’s bed.

The following morning, Raysa found Amelia, balled into a fetal
position in the center of Mira’s bed. Raysa had been alarmed when she
hadn’t found her asleep as she’d left her the night before. Her memory
replayed Mira’s ghastly face after John’s appearance, instead of
alarming Mira; she decided to search the house first.

“Amelia.”

She popped an eye open at Raysa’s intrusion on her sleep. She was
still clutching the mysterious photograph.

“What are you doing in here, honey? You scared your Aunt Raysa.”

Amelia sat up, “I couldn’t sleep,” she said plainly. The local drawl
colored her tiny voice with New Orleans dialect. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine honey,” Raysa told her, stroking wild hair back into place
on Amelia’s head. “What’s this?” Raysa asked touching the picture.

“That’s me,” Amelia answered searching Raysa’s face. “Who is this?”

“Oh baby, I’m sure you feel confused.”

“Raysa,” Amelia bellowed, lifting the picture to Raysa’s eye level.

“I can’t explain this,” she said softly. “You have to speak with Mira
about this.”

Amelia pursed her lips intently, “you know her?”

“Honey please.”

“I’ll call her,” Amelia threatened, “right now.”

“Honey its not the time…”

“I want to go to her,” she decided climbing down the side of the bed.
“Can we go?”

“Amelia.”

“I miss her,” she cried convincingly. “I’m scared.”

“I’m here.”

“I want her,” Amelia said adamantly, pumping her fist into the mattress.

Raysa conceded, “We’ll call…okay?”

“Yes,” she said perking up. “Now…let’s call now.”

~~~~

Mira arranged for the jet to bring Raysa and Amelia to Salem, unaware
of Marlena’s flight plans. Amelia and Raysa arrived at the Salem
airport five minutes after three.

“I want to get a postcard for my collection,” Amelia pleaded as they
walked hand in hand through the sparsely crowded airport.

“Honey, I have to go make sure the luggage is all settled,” Raysa said
tightening her grasp on Amelia’s hand.

“I can go alone,” Amelia suggested, spotting a gift shop a few feet
away. She pulled away from Raysa.

“Amelia, wait honey.”

“I’ll come right back,” Amelia said running off toward the gift shop.
Raysa watched as she darted across the room, making certain that she
made it safely into the store; after Amelia entered the store, she
hurried to gather their items.

Amelia scanned the store, deciding on the perfect postcard to add to
her collection. She pulled bills from her jean packet and paid the
clerk. “Thank you,” Amelia said politely. She put her postcard in her
backpack and dipped back into the light traffic of the airport.
Searching for Raysa who hadn’t returned, she headed toward the
bathroom. She pushed against the heavy door; the sound of a voice
behind it ceased her footsteps.

“All fresh and new,” she heard the voice say softly. Amelia marched
toward that voice, she couldn’t stop herself from seeing who belonged
to the voice. “Belle, everyone will be so thrilled to see how much
you’ve grown.” The baby giggled. Amelia followed her voice, heading
down the long span of the bathroom until she was in her view. She saw
her from behind, blonde hair toiling across her back. She was holding
a baby who was giggling incessantly. Amelia walked closer, and closer,
knowing that it was her; this was the woman in her dream. Without
warning, her dream woman turned and walked slowly toward her. She
pulled the plastic heart-shaped sunglasses that Raysa insisted she
wear from her hair to cover her eyes. Why did she feel compelled to
cover her face; it was her. Amelia looked through the glasses at her
face. She appeared the same, holding the baby close to her heart in
the same way she’d held her.

“Honey, are you okay?” She asked, apparently aware of Amelia’s
fascination with her. “Are you alone?”

Amelia shook her head.

“Are you sure? If you were my little girl, I wouldn’t want you to be alone.”

Amelia released the pockets of air that she’d filled her cheeks with;
and then without the ability to stop herself, she spoke. “I’m okay.”
She wanted the dream woman not to worry; it was important to her that
she knew that. Why?”

“I’m Marlena,” she said lowering herself to Amelia’s level, “and this is Belle.”

Amelia leaned forward enabling a better glimpse of the baby. Her eyes
were blue, warm, and familiar. Amelia touched Belle lightly on her
back. “Is she your baby?”

“Yes,” Marlena said proudly, feeling a surge constrict her heart
unexpectedly. She lost her concentration for a brief moment. “What a
pretty accent you have. Where are you from?”

“New Orleans.”

“Oh how wonderful…and what is your name?”

Amelia dropped her hand from Belle’s back and lifted it to Marlena’s
cheek to stroke her face admiringly. Marlena grasped alarming Amelia.
“I’m sorry…you’re beautiful.”

“So are you,” Marlena said automatically.

Amelia turned and hurried from the bathroom. She turned to see if
Marlena followed; Raysa stopped her at the door.

“Are you okay, you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

Amelia shook her head, “my dream…only the woman from my dream,” she
whispered, touching the ripped picture in her pocket clasping Raysa’s
hand as they walked through the airport.

Chapter 24- Some Nights You’re Breathing Fire, And Some Nights You’re
Carved In Ice (NC-17)

“If love hurts, then love some more,
If love hurts some more, then love even more,
If love hurts even more…
Then love til it hurts no more…
Love.”
–Gina Jalbuena

It’s impossible to move forward without first moving backwards.

Breath by breath.

Falling without wings, she drove to John’s loft in a meditative
silence; what could she do beyond telling John the truth? This
baby—their baby–would change everything between them. She couldn’t
keep it from him, not the way she’d tried to do while she was pregnant
with Belle. There would be no test for proof; John Black was the
father of Isabella and the baby growing inside her.

She understood that her three weeks of self-imposed exile had left a
wide door open for John’s interpretation of her actions. She still
wanted to see John to discuss the results of Belle’s paternity test.
There was no way to avoid it any longer.

Having settled Belle and Eric with Shawn and Caroline, she’d learned
that John had been spending time with one Avery Chase. Lawyer; blonde;
beautiful; and, present, according to Caroline. Internalizing the
information, she decided that this discussion could not wait.

Her heart pounded against her chest as she pulled up to the building.
On her last visit, she’d been emotionally raked over the coals.
Deserved or not, she wasn’t anxious to revisit that feeling.

Breath by breath.

She swallowed a pocket of stale air, releasing the breath slowly from her mouth.

“You can do this,” she prepped herself. Climbing from the car slowly,
her legs felt weighted. She dragged herself into the building,
entering the elevator. She’d never been so anxious about seeing John.
The ten steps from the elevator to the door felt eerily like the death
walk. Deliberately slow steps. Pausing at the door of his loft, she
took another breath before knocking.

Marlena could hear John’s footfalls across the wooden floor. He was
moving quickly. Had he been waiting for her or someone else? She
braced herself for a reaction adverse of the usual pleasantness
between them. The slow, tedious sliding of the door quickened her
senses as John came into view. He hadn’t changed. She hadn’t expected
that he would. Still the most beautiful man she’d ever known. Still
those mesmerizing eyes, she followed their path from the top of her
head down the span of her heaving chest down slender legs to her
narrow feet. She couldn’t speak, not intelligently. He was dressed in
all black: a body hugging t-shirt and jeans with shiny boots padding
his feet. She loved him in all black.

“Can I come in?” She asked after too long of a silence.

“Sure,” he said moving from the doorway. “Come in.” John watched her
anxious movements, aware of how nervous he was himself. He offered her
a seat while he stood with arms folded across his chest at a distance.

Marlena sat down on the couch closely drawing her knees together in
front of her. “I came here directly from the airport,” she began
softly as she attempted to find her voice again, to find a thought
that made sense. “We need to discuss some things John.”

“I agree,” he said unfolding his arms, loosening the stiffness from
his body. “How is Belle?”

Marlena explained smiling, “she’s been wonderful…growing everyday.
Mama and Daddy adore her.”

He looked away. “Good.”

“John, I want to apologize for what happened between us before I
left,” she said in response to the pained strain coloring his
demeanor. “I’m sorry I made you doubt Belle’s paternity.”

“I never did,” he said turning and matching eyes. “I told you that. I
wasn’t surprised when the results came in. Were you?”

She couldn’t turn away, she wanted desperately to avoid seeing the
anger in John’s face; and yet she continued to eye him intensely.
“John it’s the past, can we move forward? I think it’s time to have an
adult conversation about what we are going to do from now on.”

“Fine,” he agreed, reaching for a cup of steaming coffee. “I want to
see my daughter.” John said before taking a sip of the dark liquid.

“Is that why you have a lawyer?” Marlena asked pointedly.

“Yes.”

“Well,” she said fidgeting with the sleeve of her coat, “that’s
unnecessary John. I would never keep Belle away from you.”

“Wouldn’t you? I don’t know anymore…you’ve done a lot of things that I
would never have imagined,” he said picturing her in Roman’s arms.
“I’m just being cautious…and besides that, you are still married to
Roman. He still thinks he is Belle’s father.”

“John…I’m going to handle Roman.”

“Are you?” He asked with doubt. “I’m not so sure I believe that.”

“I can’t allow him to live a lie anymore. So many things have
happened. So much has changed.” She said pulling her hand inside of
her coat to touch her belly. “I’m going home to ask Roman for a
divorce.”

Silence: her guilt and his anger.

Marlena flinched, fearful of the determination settling in John’s
face. “We don’t need lawyers John.”

“No we don’t…I do.”

“John I’m leaving Roman,” she said vaguely, “don’t misunderstand me.”

“I often misunderstand you.”

“I’m leaving Roman because Belle deserves a truthful existence. I
don’t want her to be ashamed of who she is, ever. Belle should have a
daddy…like you.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I don’t know,” she rationalized. “I don’t want to fight you. I’m
saying we don’t need lawyers.”

“You don’t need a lawyer,” he countered, “You have all the power.”

“Power,” Marlena repeated incredulously. “I don’t have any more power
than you do.”

“Marlena.”

“John, why…how could you do something so drastic?”

“Me? Marlena from day one, since Belle’s birth, you have seesawed on
our daughter’s paternity. We knew the answer. We didn’t need any
paternity test. I’m her father.” He said raising the volume of his
voice.

Marlena stood up and walked slowly to John. They stood closely, face
to face; John watched her. “John, please don’t yell. I didn’t come to
fight with you. I have to tell you something,” she said with a nervous
tremble in her tone.

“I’m listening,” he said impatiently.

“John please.” She sighed and pulled her coat off slowly. There was no
indication of her pregnancy, but she knew how John would react once he
knew. His hands would reach immediately for her tummy, where their
baby rested. “Can we please just talk like we’re not enemies?”

“Doc.”

Marlena responded with a tender smile. He hadn’t used her nickname
since she’d come into the loft. She didn’t want there to be any
tension when she told him the news.

He reached up to touch her face; she inched closer. “What is it?” John
asked tracing her jawbone.

Marlena opened her mouth, the words hindered on the edge of her
tongue. “I found out something in Colorado,” she began.

The telephone startled the quietness of the room. “The machine will
get it,” John told her.

Her attention turned toward the left side of the room, where John’s
voice spoke mechanically. After a succession of beeps, she heard her
voice; Avery, she decided; it was Avery speaking in her charming,
unassuming southern tone.

John watched her as she listened to Avery: “John, I can’t wait to see
you again. You’re incredible. Everything about you is incredible.” He
tried to pull Marlena’s face toward his. “Call me. I need to see you
tonight.”

“Avery?” Marlena asked facing him. “She sounds charming.” Her jealousy flared.

“You said something about Colorado,” John reminded her, attempting to
shift her focus.

Marlena pushed John’s hand away from her face. “You’re sleeping with
your lawyer John?” she asked looking bewildered.

John shook his head, “Doc, we had dinner.”

“And what else?” she asked snidely. “It’s only been a couple of weeks since we…”

“Marlena don’t…I don’t want to have this discussion with you. We’re
not a couple. You don’t belong to me—I think that’s how this goes,
right?”

“Don’t speak to me that way,” she cried pulling back, her frenzied
action surprised John. Coffee scattered from the cup in John’s hand,
spilling on his shirt and seeping into his skin.

“Oh gosh John,” Marlena said as she helped him out of his shirt. She
lifted the material from his body slowly. “Are you okay?” She said
calmly examining his chest.

“I’m fine,” he said dismissively.

“No, let me see,” she said turning him around. Touching his skin for
burns, she felt the thin welts across his back. Looking closer, she
realized what they were. “Avery’s handiwork?”

John turned quickly, moving away from Marlena’s touch. “Doc?”

“John, you slept with her?” she asked coolly. “You’re sleeping with
the woman who’s supposed to represent you in a custody case against
me?” The volume in her voice heightened.

“It’s none of your business,” John yelled unexpectedly, “who I sleep
with. I’m not yours. I don’t belong to you…we don’t belong to each
other. You love Roman, remember.”

“You bastard,” she said angrily.

“No, I’m not the bastard. I’m doing exactly what you expect me to. You
made love to Roman.”

“We are not children. Don’t tit for tat with me John. He is my
husband, what do you expect me to do….turn him away?”

“No I don’t expect anything out of you! So don’t stand there and judge me.”
“I can’t believe it,” she said cupping her forehead. “I can’t believe you.”

“Marlena, stop it.”

“You stop it. You fucked another woman,” she said bitterly. “You can’t
have me so you go to the next best thing. This is never going to
work.”

“Marlena, calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down…don’t tell me how to react…how could you
do this! How could you go and fuck another woman…your lawyer mind you?
A woman who is going to do her very best and obtain nothing but
pleasure out of a custody battle between you and me? Don’t you even
try to tell me to calm down and relax!” She shouted as she pointed her
finger at him, desperate to make sure he heard her some way, somehow.

John grabbed her finger and pushed it away as he tried to grab her
arms; hoping to reason with her, calm her down. But he was just as
angry as she was; in fact he knew she had no right to be upset, this
was his life as well. “Marlena, you need to relax before this gets out
of hand.”

“You are out of hand…this whole situation is out of hand. How could
you?” She cried as she snatched her body from his grasp and pushed at
his chest, slightly throwing him off balance and into a corner table.
“I want you to stop seeing her? I want you to stop this affair you
have going on?”

“AFFAIR?” John laughed sarcastically as he dropped his gaze to the
floor. “This right here is an affair….you and me.” John smiled as he
circled his finger between them. “What Avery and I have is anything
but. And this isn’t any of your business Marlena….you do not need to
know what goes in my personal life…my love life….or anything else for
that matter. I will see who I want to see…date who I want to date
and….. fuck who I want to fuck. You have no say so in that.” He spat
as her eyes went wide in shock while she tried to swallow the lump in
her throat.

“Oh really…well then fine. I have a say so in one thing….and that is
Belle! I will take her away from you….I won’t let you see her if you
keep this up.” She held her head up high as she looked him in his
eyes, vicious venom poured through her hazel eyed stare.

“You won’t do any such thing….she is mine….I have rights to her. She
is my daughter!!!!” He shouted back as she shook her head slowly.

“You keep this shit up and I will take her away. I don’t want you
around my daughter when you’re escorting around whores all over town.
I don’t know where she has been….I don’t know where your mouth has
been….but I do know one thing….it wont be on MY DAUGHTER.” Marlena
spoke harshly as John walked up to her and grabbed her arm.

“Well I don’t know where your mouth has been either but your allowed
to kiss MY DAUGHTER! I don’t think so….you will not take Belle away
from me…and I will make sure of that.”

“Oh I will…and there is not a court in the world that won’t side with
me….no matter how fuckable your lawyer may be.” She removed herself
from his grasp as a few tears slipped from her eyes, but her anger
still very much present on her face. John took a deep breath, hoping
to calm down before he had a psychotic breakdown.

“You need to calm down Marlena….” He spoke softly as she exhausted a tired sigh.

“Don’t tell me what to do.” She said reaching for her coat. “You don’t
even understand why I’m so upset.”

“No, I don’t. I don’t get this….you want me. You don’t want me. You
want me to move on; you can’t move on. Make up your mind damnit.”

“John…. How am I supposed to say this? I’m so tired of arguing with
you. I am so tired of this…of us….of you?”

“Why are you here then? Why do you insist on ruining my life?”

“Ruining your life,” she said pulling her hand over her mouth, “you asshole.”

“Why are you here Marlena?” John shouted as Marlena cried
uncontrollably, unable to hold her secret in any longer.

“I’m going to have your baby….I am Pregnant. Is that a good enough reason?”
She cried as she pushed pass John and ran for the elevator.

John froze as the reality of her words sunk into his spirit. He
watched in slow motion as she grabbed her coat and jotted for the
door, swinging it open and leaving. He wanted to go after her, grab
her, ask if what she just said was true and in the end hold her close.
However his mind refused to let that happen, instead it fought against
the idea of her even being pregnant.

Her deep sob pulled him from his internal battle as he quickly took
off running after her. He ran into the hallway as he saw her tiny
frame shake violently from the sobs that were now overpowering her.
Her hand constantly hitting the button for the elevator, as if it were
going to come sooner with each time she pressed it.

He quickly walked up to her as he tried to pull her into his arms but
she pushed back, slapping his hands away from her.

“Don’t touch me! Get away from me and leave me alone!” She cried as
John tried once more to reach for her.

“Marlena! Are you serious about all this….come on…talk to me!” John
begged as Marlena shook her head.

“Oh, now you want to talk? No..No…No…we’re done talking…in fact you
and I are through.” She cried as she hit the button once more before
wiping her eyes with her hand. “Oh this is ridiculous….I’m taking the
stairs!” She complained as she slightly pushed John out of her way.
The loud ring from the elevator sounded off as the elevator doors
opened, causing John to grab her roughly and yank her into the
elevator with him. Pushing her body hard against the wall, his mouth
latched onto hers as he fought her battling hands against his body.
Her protests were coming out in deep groans as she turned her face
from side to side, refusing him to have easy access.

“STOP THIS!!! GET OFF OF ME!!!” She screamed as John tore into her
mouth, nipping at her lips each time she turned, causing some blood to
appear.

“No!” He moaned as his hands grasped onto her face, pinning it tightly
and diving for her mouth; but she fought, hands slapping his chest as
they slightly shoved him back. He pulled back looking at her, his
roaming hand traveling behind him and hitting the stop button. Her
eyes shot open as she tried to push him out the way, refusing to be in
this situation, but was quickly pinned onto the wall.

“JOHN GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” She screamed once more as John’s hands now
grabbed her coat and tore it open. Fighting with everything she had,
she struck at his hands as she pushed his body away from her.
“Someone…Anyone…HELP ME PLEASE!!!!” She shouted throughout the small
enclosed area as John grabbed her chin with his strong hand and
brought it to him. With one final swing, Marlena knocked her slender
hand to his cheek, the powerful sting froze him. His hand touched the
impacted skin, as he looked at her; sadness in his eyes compounded
with pure lust.

She recognized that look and for a moment was scared, scared of this
situation, afraid of what was happening to him, and frightened that
this was the end of them.

One hard push sent Marlena back into the wall, followed by John’s
strong body once more grabbing her arms and pinning them above her
head.

“Stop This John!!! It is over between you and I!” She shouted as John
smiled softly.

“No it’s not….it’s far from over!!! Especially now…it never will be
over between us. You are mine and this time for good!” He moaned
against her cheek as she turned her face away, kicking her legs
against his as they began to close her into the wall.

“You want to fuck someone….go to Avery! She is your whore…leave me
alone!!! I am done with you….for good….forever!” She complained before
her mouth was engulfed by John’s hungry kiss, his lips dancing along
her slightly bloody ones.

“I belong to you….and only you! You have me now baby!” He groaned
against her mouth as his tongue searched for hers, desperate to feel
that connection. Once her warm organ was felt, he took it in with his
as their tongues dueled against one another, as if one were trying to
prove which one had more power. In one swift move, she felt her body
rise off the ground as her legs betrayed her and wrapped around his
torso. She hated this….she hated everything that was happening but her
body wanted it…her soul craved it… Her heart desired this and her
emotions were dying for it. She finally managed to get one hand lose
as it went to his face as their mouths still clung together.

“I hate you so much John!” She breathed between kisses as John smiled
against her swollen lips.

“And I love you so much Baby….I need you…” With one whisper she felt
his hand slide down her trembling body and caress her beneath her
skirt, through her satin panties. Her eyes closed as she felt the
pleasure run throughout her body. How she desired him was something so
unexplainable and so powerful, not even she could find words to
describe it. The sound of a zipper coming undone, a belt jingling, and
fabric being pushed up her hips and something ripping filled her
senses as she opened her eyes and looked into John’s Deep blues. The
strong pressure and pure pain of John thrusting deep inside her
saturated her mind and filled her body, causing it to sense and
freeze. Afraid to move, she bit her broken lower lip as she felt the
tip of him touch her back wall, the head vibrating hard against the
sensitive tissue. A slight moan escaped her as her fingers tugged his
hair, yanking his head back from her neck.

“Stop….oh God stop….” She breathed as she felt him pull out a little
bit only to thrust back in her roughly once more. A piecing cry and
eyes shut tightly, she wrapped her legs around him tighter as his body
began to rock harder and quicker against her sensitive form. Their
bodies thumped against the wall as John groaned out her name with
every thrust, while Marlena met his every move. Her body was aching in
pain but she ignored the soreness as John filled her to the max. Her
black pump heel slipped from her foot as it dropped along the metal
floor, causing a small thump on the ground. John turned his face
towards the sound before quickly looking back into Marlena’s eyes,
while pushing in and out of warm body.

“You love me?” He moaned as she gave a deep gasp before shaking her head.

“No….I….hate….mmmmm….you!”

“No you don’t….you need me in every sense of the word. And
I….am….all…..yours!” He choked out as he pushed hard inside while
Marlena screamed out, yanking his hair and biting his neck. Just when
she thought she couldn’t take it anymore, images of john doing the
same thing to Avery flashed throughout her mind. In pure jealousy, she
pushed his shoulders back as she lifted her body a bit before slamming
right down back on him. Within moments, Marlena felt that familiar
heat boiling in the pit of her abdomen, twisting and turning through
her already heated tissue. Her body tightened, her muscles constricted
and her body flinched as the heat exploded with full force. They
rocked so hard that Marlena began to think they may have knocked the
elevator out of the track, but soon the thought was gone forever as
the powerful heat wave rushed down her spine. Her moan came out hard
as she arched her head back against the wall while John shoved himself
quickly into her body. His eyes traveled down to her stomach as his
emotions went in overload; thoughts of his baby growing inside her
only fueled his fire. How he loved this woman with so much
intensity…such a powerful love that many believed was non existent…but
they were living proof….they had it….and they never lost it. John
yanked her hair back as he shoved himself inside hard while he emptied
his seed deep within her. His eyes shut tightly, his mouth agape,
while Marlena attempted to control her cries.

Her voice was barely audible when she opened her mouth again. Dryness
coated the roof of her mouth and she circled around the walls of her
mouth with her tongue, trying to replenish some lubrication. “John.
Let me down,” she whispered, unhooking her legs, still wet from the
friction of John’s warm skin against her. She gasped as John pulled
himself from her middle, settling her on the balls of her foot on the
cool metal. Numbness intruded and she slid slowly down the wall behind
her, plopping on her backside.

“Doc.” John fell to his knees in front of her. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine…my legs…they’re just numb.” She said rubbing them. “I’ll
be just fine.” She said bracing the wall behind her to stand. She
leaned against the metal, feeling the warm place where John had
pounded mercilessly into her body. The smell of their sex filled the
air. The agony of defeat—her defeat—lined her face sadly. She’d given
in. She would always give in. In a quiet moment of reflection, she
pulled her skirt back over her hips, smoothing down the material with
the palms of her clammy hands. She hadn’t looked into his face, into
those indigo hued eyes yet, not enough to see what he was thinking and
afraid to voice. She heard the small breaths he took as his body
returned to their pre-sexual normalcy. He turned and dressed himself
while she studied the movements from behind. He fumbled nervously with
his pants, as she reached for her coat behind him.

“Wait a minute Doc.” John reached out and grasped her wrist in his
hand lightly. The light overhead cast them in an unusual glow. He
squinted beneath its harshness. Drawing his free hand toward her
stomach, John raised her shirt slowly and cupped her flat belly in the
palm of his hand. She jumped slightly; and then unpretentiously moved
forward to angle herself nearer to him.

“Another one?” John said with a pride induced smile creasing his lips.
He lowered himself, laying his head against her belly. “I can’t
believe it Doc. Are you sure about this?”

She nodded silently as she looked down and laced her fingers through his hair.

“Doc, my baby is growing inside of here.”

She found her voice again. “Our baby…this time I’m certain.” Her tone
was uncertain. She wasn’t exactly sure what she should feel. With
John’s happiness came the end of Roman’s family, his certainty in
their future. The guilt would mount eventually but for now, all she
could see was the love in John’s face when she pulled his head back
gently to glimpse his face. His anger had diminished; her jealousy
subsided; love abounded. He stood up to his full height, still cupping
her stomach, “I’m sorry,” he said pitifully, drawing her closer.

She wrapped herself around him, finding the familiar position along
his taut chest. “What happened? What’s going on with us? I don’t
understand this part of our relationship.”

John ran his hand up her back until he reached her hair. He could
smell himself in the blonde mane. He loved smelling himself on her
body, in her hair. Unable to release her, the feeling of her body
pressed to him was euphorically dizzying; he pulled them both back to
the metal floor. He sat legs stretched in front of him. She positioned
herself with her back against his chest between his legs, entangling
their fingers together in her lap. He inhaled her again, holding on.

“Doc,” John said after a few moments, “I’m sorry…did I hurt you or the baby?”

“No, we’re okay. The baby is resting inside of me.” She took their
hands and brought them closer to her stomach. “I’m sorry about those
things I said to you.”

“You should be. They were very mean.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m…jealous…” she admitted halfheartedly, rolling
her eyes. “I’m ashamed to admit that.”

“Doc, I feel the same way about you.” John pressed his lips into the
arch of her neck. “I don’t want to talk about that though.”

“I do. This is unhealthy…this back and forth; for you and me, and now the baby.”

“Tell me about the baby.”

“Well, there’s not much to tell really. I haven’t gone for a check up yet.”

“And you’re sure that you’re pregnant?”

“The blood tests,” she said carefully, knowing how touchy the subject
would forever be for them. “I learned from the results of Belle’s
paternity test.”

“In Colorado?”

“Yes.”

“You came home? To tell me? Or Roman…what’s going to happen?”

Marlena twisted around slightly, “I wanted you to know first. You are
this baby’s father. I’m almost positive we created this baby the night
Belle was sick. I was still very fertile at that point.”

“You didn’t make love to Roman,” John asked.

She shifted again in his lap, leaning forward. “We did…only once.” She
couldn’t say more without causing another argument. Praying that he
could accept her explanation, she fell against him again.

“So, you’re leaving Roman?”

“I have to. He deserves someone who can love him fully, the way he
deserves to be loved. There would no way that he could accept two of
your children as his own; I know him. He’s a prideful man.”

“Of course he is…but you’re forgetting something, I wouldn’t let Roman
raise my children without any say so from me.”

“And that’s the reason I have to do this.”

“The only reason,” he asked quickly.

“John you know the answer to that. You’ve always known the answer to
that. There would be no way I could have our babies and not let them
be around you; Roman would refuse to allow that.”

“Doc that’s not the answer I wanted to hear.”
“Well it’s all I have right now. I have to focus on me and my
children, all of my children.” She said remembering Eric and Belle.
“They need me. Eric needs me. I brought him home from Mama and
Daddy’s. He’s at The Pub with Belle. John he’s gotten himself into
trouble.”

John angled himself around her, trying to see her face. “What kind of
trouble Doc?”

“Drugs.” She said simply.

“What’s our boy doing with drugs?”

“I don’t know…that’s why I have to focus on him right now. He’s needs
some time with his family. He’ll also want to spend time with you.”

“He won’t have a family anymore Doc, once you tell Roman that you want
to leave him, there will be no family.”

“We’ll always be a family.” She said optimistically. “Roman and I will
always be the parents of the twins. Nothing will ever change that.”

“Well what about our family? I want my children to have a family
too…Belle,” he said touching her stomach again, “and this baby too.
I’m their daddy and I want to take care of them with you. I want to be
responsible for them with you.”

“We’ll work all of this out.”

“I’m serious Marlena…and please don’t ever threaten me with taking
them away from me. Don’t you know I would do everything in my power to
prevent that.” His voice grew stern with his admonishment.

Marlena closed her eyes. Things would never be the same again. Roman
would never forgive her for being with John. She didn’t know how to
live without John; she couldn’t fathom John loving anyone else; being
with anyone else; she wanted him to be in her life. “John, things will
never be the same again.”

“I don’t want them to be. I want to create something new with you and
our babies…and Sami and Eric. Even Carrie. I love all of you. I’ve
always loved all of you.”

“And you made love to Avery.” She said wrapping her arms around her middle.

“I made love to Avery because I couldn’t make love to you,” John told
her as a matter of factly. “I made a mistake. I have no excuses.”

“I think that’s what happened here. You and I hit that very thin line
between love and hate. I’ve never wanted to hurt or hate you more than
when I heard her voice on your machine.”

“Doc, it’s the past.”

“It’s not really. She’s very much apart of your future. I don’t expect
that she’ll be thrilled that I’m having your baby.”

“Doc, let’s get married,” he said turning her to face him. “I want you
to marry me. Will you do that? Will you marry me?”

She couldn’t help but smile at his excitement. “John, we can’t.”

“Yes, we can. Nothing is impossible.”

“This won’t make me forget Avery. I told you honey, I have to focus on
my children. I don’t want to do anything that jeopardizes them right
now. This is going to be hard for them to handle. I have to be present
and in the moment.”

“I love you Doc.”

“I know.”

“What will you do…I mean after you tell Roman.”

“I guess I’ll have to look for a house for the children and me.”

“I’ll do it.”

“No,” she said shaking her had negatively. “I want to handle this.
They’re my children.”

“They are my children too. I’m going to take care of you like I have
never taken care of you, especially with my baby.”

“I don’t want you to do anything special. We’re going to be parents to
our children…nothing more. I can’t really think about all that right
now.”

“I know. This isn’t about us…I want the kids to feel safe and secure with you.”

“I know John. I know.” She said clutching his chin. “We can’t do this
again. Not until we’re clear on what we mean to each other. I want to
stay focused.”

“I understand.”

“Promise me that you won’t do this to me again.”

“Doc.”

“John, I need us to be stronger than this. I don’t want to give Roman
any more reason than we’ve already given him. Can you understand
that?”

“I can. Do you need me to go with you when you talk to Roman?”

“Uh no…I don’t think he’ll appreciate the gesture.”

“Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him and the children?”

“Ever since I learned about the baby I’ve been trying to gather words
in my mouth. Nothing seems quite appropriate enough. I loved him for a
very long time. This is going to hurt him immensely. He’s not only
losing a wife; he’s losing a little girl that he wanted desperately.”

“I’ve got no sympathy for the man.”

“John…please.”

“Doc, I don’t. I want to be completely honest with you and myself from
now on. I am going to devote myself to you honey.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I am. I’m going to be the best daddy for Brady, Belle…and this little
one. I never had a dad except for that short time with Shawn. I
learned a lot from him. I want to raise our children with pride Doc.
They are not going to be ashamed of who they are, not ever.”

“Of course not.”

“Things have changed for us…and I’m happy,” he said holding her.

“Are you? Good. I know you’re a good daddy.”

“Thank you Doc for giving me life again. Thank you for having this
baby, for having the strength to face whatever comes.”

“I love my children…my baby…I’m not ashamed of loving them or you,”
she said feeling John’s lips sweep across the top her forehead. “We
just have to take everything slowly.”

“Come on.” John said reaching for Marlena’s coat. He helped her pull
her arms into the sleeves. “All set?”

“Yes.” Marlena said fixing her hair.

John pressed the elevator release and held Marlena as it jerked loose
before smoothly transferring them back downstairs.

“Doc, can I kiss you one last time?” John asked before the doors
opened. She stepped back to brace herself. He took her face into his
hands as he grazed her mouth; mind numbing, body trembling, awe
inspired moments passed before he released her face and mouth.

“Oh boy,” she said pecking his lips once more before sprinting from
the elevator.

“Slow down…take it easy.” He fussed as he led her to the car. “If you
need me I’ll be here all night.” He told her after opening the door
and helping her into the seat. “Be careful,” he said kissing her
forehead and closing her door.

She pressed two fingers against the glass window, turned her ignition
over and shifted into gear mouthing I love you as she pulled off.

“My baby.” John said watching her drive away.

Chapter 25- Some Days I Pray For Soul

“If you look into your heart
With a positive mind
Take self-inventory of your woman
And your glory
Leave the bad things behind.
Everybody’s got a story
About love and the good things
But for the spices of your life
You just [got] to pay the price.
When I finally found [that] there was nothing left
I do believe I found myself
And I want to give me to you baby.”
— Curtis Mayfield

Life changes with every breath you take; it is the nature of life—the
ever evolving circle of her life. Behind the door of the home that she
shared with Roman, as Mrs. Brady, life was moving; their children were
growing; it was only their marriage that had stalled. She switched her
car off. Checking her face in the rearview mirror for signs of where
she’d been, and feeling sure that no trace of John was detectable, she
removed herself slowly from the car.

Don. She thought of Don as she followed the brick driveway onto the
pathway that led to the front door. She remembered the way her she
felt when her heart broke when she confronted him with the truth of
his affair with Liz. How she’d cried during their confrontation
because she couldn’t control the emotions; the way he stood with an
almost smug look on his face. And now she was doing exactly what Don
had done to her all those years ago. They’d lost their son; Roman
would lose Isabella. She’d lost her sense of identity; Roman would
lose some piece of himself in the outcome of her decision.

“Mom?”

Marlena jumped and turned to see Sami coming up the pathway. “Hi baby
girl. What are you doing coming home so late?”

“I was studying at the Jamie’s.”

“Were you dropped off…I didn’t hear a car?” She reached for Sami’s
hand and they walked together to the door.

“I walked.”

“Oh Sami, I don’t like that. You could have called Daddy or me to come
and pick you up.”

“It was cool Mom. I’m here. I’m safe.” Sami said opening the door with
her free hand. She dropped her book bag at the foot of the stairs and
walked toward the kitchen.

Marlena looked around the room, searching for signs of Roman. His
empty holster and badge lay on the coffee table. She set her purse and
keys next to the holster. The cop and the doc; they had been those
people ages ago. So much had changed—at least for her. She wasn’t the
same woman anymore; she didn’t feel the same emotions, and she didn’t
feel them in the same way. Everything was much larger and more
powerful for her. Especially her connection to her children—they
exemplified how much she had changed. Before them, her life had been a
shallow shadow of existence. They filled her with such joy and
enlightened her life. It tore her apart to think that she was undoing
their very foundation—their family. It was Roman who taught her to
laugh again after D.J and Sam’s deaths. It was Roman who gifted her to
become a mother again, blessing her with two babies that anchored her
love for him and her life. How had she fallen so deeply in love with
John? How had John been able to usurp Roman’s place without much
force?

“Doc…you’re finally home.” Roman stood at the bottom of the stairwell,
staring at her with a precarious snarl. She smiled politely,
mechanically and crossed the room to meet him. “I’m sorry…” She said
automatically. It was more than for her lateness. “I had to take care
of some things at work immediately.” Lying had become too easy to do
with Roman; she accomplished it effortlessly.

He reached for her, “I’m glad you’re here. We all missed you. Where
are the baby and Eric? I thought they were coming in with you?”

“With your parents…I wanted to get them situated.” She said pulling
out of his embrace.

“At The Pub?”

She realized how unfocused she was. Roman’s unassuming manner hindered
her; how could he not know what she was thinking, she wondered
inwardly. “Can we talk?”

He followed her to the couch where she sat down beside him. “Sami…I
need to talk to daddy, will you give us some privacy?” She called out
to the kitchen.

Sami burst through the door with a bag of chips. “Talk…I’m going to
bed anyway.” She skipped past her parents, grabbed her book bag, and
headed upstairs.

Roman reached out to touch Marlena’s hand. She didn’t pull it away.
“What do you want to talk about honey? I was actually on my way out.”

“This can’t wait.” Her tone was low and serious. “We have to discuss
some things.”

He eyed her suspiciously, moving closer. He took her hand fully this
time. “Look, I promise I’ll give you all the time in the world when I
get back from this stakeout. Bo’s waiting…”

“I’ve been waiting…we have to—I need to tell you how I feel. A lot has
changed with me.”

“I can see that…but I just don’t have the time to…”

“Roman, I want a divorce.” She blurted out uneasily.
It took a moment before he said another word.

“Roman?”

“Yeah, I heard you…a divorce…you want a divorce?” He said completely shocked.

“I told you when I left that I wanted to work some things out alone.
I’ve done that in Colorado.” She explained feeling suddenly
remorseful. He looked as if she’d speared him with a sharp object. She
felt the heat of his hand warming hers. “I think it’s time that we
stopped living this…”

“Marlena…can we talk about this when I get back,” he said checking his
vibrating pager, “its Bo.”

“This can’t wait…I can’t wait anymore,” she told him. “I don’t want to
hurt you at all but our entire existence at this point has been a
lie.”

“Doc, please…give me a couple of hours to deal with this. I don’t want
to hear this divorce mess…we can work this out…whatever you need to
work out.”

“You’re not hearing me Roman.”

“I heard you. I’m saying table it…or let’s do a separation. I can live
with that…just don’t end us like this.”

“Roman…you haven’t heard a word I’ve said.” She said almost tempted to
force a reaction from him, by telling him of Belle’s true parentage.

“I’m not going to give you a divorce without at least trying. I don’t
know what the problem is honey. I’m trying to…”

“You’re trying to put me off.” She said pulling away from him. “I
can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend that we have a life because
they’re busy. We’re suffering here…the children are suffering.”

“This helps? You leaving me will help them suffer less.”

“If I can refocus myself…I’ll be a better parent for them. I know you
want that. You’re not happy.”

“Don’t tell me what I am.”

“Well,” she said lowering her head, “I’m not happy with you anymore.”

“You’re not happy with yourself. You’ve shut down Marlena, not me.”

“Maybe so…but there has to be a reason why.”

“Exactly, so you find that reason and when you do we can work on it together.”

“I don’t want to do that. I want this to end.” She whispered. The
finality of her words struck her overwhelmingly. How much truth were
those words? She had to end it because she was carrying John’s baby,
because Belle was John’s daughter, didn’t she?

“Honey, come on…give me a day. Just one day. We can discuss this
then.” He said pulling his holster on. “I love you too much to give up
Doc.” Roman kissed her mouth quickly and headed for the door.

“Roman…I’m sorry.” She said knowing she wouldn’t be there when he returned.

“I’ll be back Doc.” He told her slipping out of the door.

A lonely tear wet her cheek as she took a deep breath and stood up. At
the top of the stairs, she heard Sami sobbing. Rushing upstairs she
found Sami laying on the floor, balled in a fetal position with her
arms covering her face. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Marlena said pulling
Sami’s hair back to see her daughter’s face.

“Mommy, you can’t leave Daddy,” she said in between her broken sobs.
“Please don’t leave us.”

“Oh Sami.” Marlena cried wrapping her arms around Sami’s shoulders. “I
wouldn’t leave you…I won’t ever leave you again.”

“But you’re leaving Daddy,” she asked lifting her head. Her face was
streaming with tears. “I don’t want you to leave Daddy.”

“Baby, this has nothing to do with you. I’m always going to be your
Mama…okay? Come on…get up.” She tried to help Sami move but she pushed
her away.

“Why do you have to leave Daddy?” Sami inquired angrily.

“Baby.”

“Why?”

“It’s between Daddy and me.”

“No…what you do affects us. We deserve to know what’s going on.” Sami
pleaded. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. In that moment, Marlena
realized how much pain Sami internalized; and she waited until she
felt Sami was calm enough to listen.

“Sometimes we have to do things that will hurt others Sami. It’s just
how life goes baby. I would do anything in my power to make you hurt
less.”

“Don’t leave daddy.”

“Sami, you don’t understand this…it’s not about you. This is about
daddy and I. We need to have separate lives now.”

“You just got back together Mom. Give it some time.”

“That’s not an option,” Marlena said. “I have to do this now.”

“Now. You’re leaving tonight?”

“I have to.”

“Mommy please don’t go…” Sami cried as her tears rolled. She grabbed
Marlena’s waist, clasping herself around it desperately.

“Samantha, please calm down. You’re frightening me. Take some deep
breaths. You’re getting yourself all worked up.” She said inching Sami
slowly toward her bedroom.

“No.”

“Sami.”

“Marlena what’s wrong?” Carrie asked entering the house and hearing
Sami. She rushed upstairs. “Sami.”

“Carrie, she’s leaving Daddy.” Sami yelled.

Marlena tried to hold onto Sami as she squirmed in her arms. Sami
pulled away, sending Marlena into the wall behind her.

“Are you okay?” Carrie asked coming to her side immediately.

Sami waited for her response before running into her room.

“I’m okay. I’m fine.” Marlena assured Carrie as she headed to Sami’s room.

“I think you should give her some time…besides I want to know what’s
going on?” Carrie said helping Marlena down the hallway. “You’re
leaving him?” Carrie asked as she and Marlena crossed the doorframe of
her bedroom. Carrie sat cross-legged on the bed. “What happened?”

“Nothing specifically…it’s complicated honey. I have to do this.”

“I believe you. I know you wouldn’t just do this…you obviously feel
like you have to.”

“I do,” she said moving to where Carrie was sitting. “You’re not upset.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I know you and he aren’t in love the way you should be Marlena.”

Marlena watched Carrie as she assessed her marriage. She spoke with a
confidence that had once been hidden beneath the shy and withdrawn
little girl. Carrie had grown into a beautiful woman. “Sami will
understand eventually. They all will. You’re leaving him for John,
aren’t you?”

Marlena flinched. “Carrie, no. I’m leaving Roman because I have to do
this…its got nothing to do with John.”

“I know you Marlena. I know how you and daddy feel about each
other…not Roman. I don’t think of him as daddy. Whenever I say that
word all I can see is John there…he’s always been there.”

“Carrie.”

“No listen to me. I love Roman. I really do…but John is my daddy. And
I want you two together. I always have. You’re not happy with Roman
because he’s not Daddy. He’ll never be Daddy.”

“Honey, you don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“But I do. I’ve known you ever since I was a little girl. I’ve seen
what you’re like with Daddy and I’ve seen what your like with Roman.
There’s no comparison. You would tell me to go with my
heart…right…because your heart never lies.”

“Sometimes it does honey.”

“Not this time though. Mom I know this is tough for you. I know that.
You’re such a kind and loving person that you can’t stand to see the
pain that Roman will be in…and Sami. But you deserve happiness don’t
you.”

“Honey, I love it when you call me Mom. It makes me feel like we have
a special relationship.”

“We do. Being a mother doesn’t always mean blood and veins. You are my
mother just as John is my daddy. Its right…I love you both so much. I
want you to be a happy with each other. I saw Daddy with that
woman…she looks like you. I think that’s why he dates her. He’ll never
get over you.”

“Carrie, I’m not accustomed to you giving me advice. I’m the mother here.”

“Yes. But I’m the daughter and I’m telling you that I want you to do
what makes you happy. John makes you very happy.”

Marlena didn’t confirm Carrie’s notion. She did tug on her hand,
feeling like she had a comrade in the whole ugly mess.

“Marlena…can I ask you something?”

She nodded.

“Belle…she’s not Roman’s baby, is she?”

Marlena was too shocked to answer.

“Don’t be afraid. I haven’t said anything to anyone. I just watch her
and I see him in her. Those eyes. She looks at me in the same way that
Daddy does, as if she knows more about me than I know about her.”

“Carrie.”

“It’s true. She is his baby. I’m not judging you.”

“Oh honey, this is not a situation that I want you to be loyall
about. It was wrong. I’m not ashamed of Belle at all…I’m ashamed of
the circumstances.” She explained. “How could you know that?”

“I know Daddy. And I know you. Belle is both.”

“Honey, this…”

“You don’t have to explain to me. I love you regardless of this. Trust
me…I’ll never hurt you with this. I’ll protect you all as much as I
can.” Carrie laid her head on Marlena’s shoulder. “Roman doesn’t
know?”

“No.”

“Does Daddy know?”

”Yes…he knows.”

“Are you leaving Roman for Daddy?”

“No Carrie I’m leaving Roman because of me. I don’t deserve him.”

“How could you say that?”

“Carrie, I’m having another baby…I’m having John’s baby,” she
confessed without provocation. “I can’t do this to Roman again.”

“A baby with Daddy?”

“Yes. You’re going to be a sister again,” she said allowing herself to
feel joyful. “No one knows except for you us.”

“Oh that’s perfect. You can be with Daddy and the new baby.”
“No, I want to focus on you children. I’m not ready for a relationship
right now. I just want to be a good mom.”

“You already are a good mom.”

“Thanks honey…but I’m not so sure. This is going to destroy our family.”

“Not if we don’t let it. I’m going to be here for you.”

“Thank you. I don’t want to make you into my warrior.”

“It’s not your choice.”

“I see…I love you honey. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Carrie said tipping her head up to kiss Marlena’s
cheek. She touched the place where john’s hand had been. “Do you know
how pregnant you are?’

“No,” Marlena replied running her fingers through Carrie’s blonde
curls. “My best guess would be six weeks.” She said recollecting the
night she believed the baby had been conceived: in John’s loft, after
Belle’s sick episode. “I’m going to go to the doctor as soon as this
is straightened out.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m moving out. Tonight. I tried to tell Roman honey, he left before
I could tell him about Belle and the baby. But I feel I have to leave
now…it can’t wait.”

“I understand.”

“I know you do. Sami doesn’t.” Marlena said imaging her daughter’s
red-rimmed eyes glaring at her. “You know that wherever I am, you’re
welcome to come. You always have a place with me sweetie.”

“I know Mom. Maybe I’d better stay with him to be fair.”

“Whatever you want,” Marlena said squeezing Carrie. “It’s fine. I
don’t want to put you in the middle.”

“Sami won’t go with you.”

“I still want her to know that she can.”

“Where will you go?”

“Salem Inn. I’ll stay alone tonight…and pick up Belle and Eric tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to come?”

“No honey you stay with Sami. She needs you to be here with her. I’ll
feel better knowing you’re taking care of her.”

“I will.”

“I know. I better get this over with.” She kissed Carrie again.
“Whenever you call me…I’ll always be there.”

“This isn’t goodbye Mom.” Carrie said walking Marlena to the door.
“I’ll go talk to Sami.”

Marlena walked into her bedroom without turning on the lights. Her
bags were already in the car. She wanted to take one last look at the
place where she’d last spent time alone with Roman. His cologne filled
the air. The pants he’d been wearing were at the foot of the bed. A
wet towel lay sprawled in the center of the bed. “Goodbye Roman.” She
turned, closed the door, and headed back down the hall. Stopping at
Sami’s open door, she saw Carrie sitting in front of a still
distraught Sami.

“Baby, I’ll be at the Salem Inn if you want to talk.”

“I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“Not now…but you will. I know this hurts right now…”

“Mom please.” Sami cried. “I don’t want to talk to you now.”

“Call me.” She said as she entered the room and ran her hand down
Sami’s hair. She kissed the top of her head, kissed Carrie again, and
left.

Chapter 26- As Long As Your Prayers Are Coming True

“All my pretty ones?
Did you say all? O hell-kite! All?
What! All my pretty chickens and their dam
At one fell swoop?…
I cannot but remember such things were,
That were most precious to me.”
— William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Amelia pranced; walking had long ago bored her imagination. Princesses
must never walk as commoners do. They are beheld in a special
admiration: Beautiful, always beautiful. She’d been reading of
Princesses before bed. Princesses without parents, without siblings;
this was their commonality. Walking in a circle in the center of the
large room, she stopped and studied Raysa and Mira circumspectly.

“Why the inquisitive look?” Mira queried curiously. She recognized the
unspoken question in Amelia’s eyes. It was time for her inquisition.
She’d been putting it off since her arrival in Salem.

“I think it’s time we talked.” Amelia ventured maturely. She had never
been accustomed to being, speaking as a child. She pranced toward the
older women, bowing graciously before them before she took her seat at
the wooden table in the suite’s dining area.

Mira placed her teacup on the porcelain saucer. Tipping her head
toward Raysa, who excused herself from the room, she filled the cup in
front of Amelia. “So…you want to talk child. You’ve been waiting to
ask me some questions.” Mira told her omnisciently. She was unnerved
by Amelia’s undaunted glare, her indigo gaze and amazed that she
hadn’t known that this child was her own flesh and blood for nearly
five years. She’d protected her naturally. She would protect any
child, primarily because her child had been stolen away from her. Now
Mira would share her part of Amelia’s history; she would finally
reveal all the secrets she’d kept.

“Who is she?” Amelia said pulling the tattered photograph from her
pocket. She fingered the picture tenderly, watching it lovingly while
she waited for Mira to respond.

Mira looked her squarely in the face, seeing the admiration in her
eyes; she reached forward and touched the photograph. “Where did you
get this from? I haven’t seen it in ages.”

“The chest…it’s me Bah.” Her eyes widened. This gesture reminded Mira
of Amelia’s mother, it always had. “Is this Mama?” She said slowly.
The words were timid. Bogged down by emotion that Amelia hadn’t
experienced before, she had never yearned for this portion of her
life. How could she yearn for something she’d never had to begin with?
“Bah.” She called out, breaking the silence. The moniker slipped from
her southern tongue familiarly, instinctively; she’d given her a
variation of grandmother and Mama through a finagled one-year old
tongue.

“Amelia…this is your Mama.” Mira said solemnly.

Her reaction was painstakingly measured; she had known so anyhow. She
pulled the photograph closer, lifting it to her face. “Mama?” She
touched it again as if she were seeing it for the first time.

“Yes,” Mira mouthed, “she is your Mama. She is your Mama who loves you.”

Amelia furrowed her brow. “She does?” She asked hopefully.

“Of course she does Amelia. She just doesn’t know so honey. Come over
here.” She opened her arms—those familiar loving arms—that Amelia had
grown in. Mira pulled her onto her lap, pressing her head against her
chest. “This is all sort of overwhelming…but I’m going to tell you
everything that you need to know.” She had never believed in speaking
immaturely to Amelia. “This picture was taken after you were born. She
was so happy to have a little girl…especially a girl as wonderful as
you.” Mira said remembering Amelia’s ruddy complexion after her birth.
She’d been afraid that Amelia wouldn’t make it; the labor had
progressed slowly over the day; and her mother had been so drained in
parturition that pushing had ceased almost entirely. “You refused to
come out. We begged you to come and meet us.”

Amelia chuckled at Mira’s recollection. “My Mama wanted to see me.”

“Yes…your Mama said ‘sweet baby Mama needs to see you’ and you
listened. You came out immediately, slick and shiny. She snatched you
into her arms and kissed your baldhead. You were the most beautiful
baby I’d ever seen.”

“Bah…did Mama think I was beautiful.”

“Oh yes…yes your Mama said so.”

Amelia leaned forward to see Mira’s face. “She loved me. She thought I
was pretty.” Grand notions even for a little girl; Amelia was
transfixed by the idea that the beautiful woman in her dreams could
love her. “She loves me.”

“She loves you,” Mira allowed squeezing Amelia.

“Bah why?”

“That my darling I have no answer for. I wish I could explain this to
you in a way that makes it easier to understand. The best answer I can
give you Amelia is that your Mama was sick. She just wasn’t herself. I
know if she could have, she would have been there for you always.”

Amelia glanced over her shoulder, searching for the picture that she’d
left on the table.

“Your Mama…her name is Marlena…and she lives here in Salem.”

“I know,” Amelia whispered. “She’s beautiful.”

Mira pulled the small child forward as she turned her around in her
lap. She covered Amelia’s face between her hands. “How do you know?
Have you seen her? Where have you seen her?”

“Here.”

“Honey tell Bah, tell me where you saw her. What did she say?”

“Marlena.” Amelia said quietly. “Marlena is her name…and we look alike Bah.”

Mira realized that whatever had transpired, Marlena was unaware of her
connection to Amelia. “Did she see you?”

“Yes. In the airport…” her voice drifted off.

“The reason…”

“Am I going to live with her?”
The question saddened Mira, “Is that what you want?”

Amelia looked pensive. She looked up, securing her father’s steely
gaze on Mira’s worried face. “Bah, I love you.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t know I had a Mama. I want to see her. I want to love you and
see her.” She reasoned. “Can I love you and see her?”

“Amelia, you and I will always have one another. She’s your
Mama…you’re allowed to love us both. Honey, there’s more to this
besides your Mama. I have so much to tell you. But I’m not sure about
the whole lot of it…I’m just as afraid as you are. We’re both finding
people who we thought we’d lost.”

“Mama?”

“Yes,” Mira said thinking of her son. “Your Mama is someone I thought
I had lost.”

“We did lose her…but she’s here. When will we see her?”

“I’m working on it honey.”

“Soon?” Amelia prodded Mira.

“As soon as it’s possible,” she said kissing Amelia’s cheek.
“Everything will be as God intended it to be. All the pretty things of
the world eventually find their way back to their origins.”

Amelia listened, confounded by Mira’s riddle. She looped her arms
around Mira’s neck. “Bah…she’ll remember us again, won’t she?”

“Just as God intends it to be Amelia.”

Chapter 27- I Will Never Be The Same

“Our life is always deeper than we know, is always more divine than it
seems, and hence we are able to survive degradations and despairs
which otherwise must have engulfed us.”
— Henry James

God forgives—with a reasonable amount of atonement—because sin is
forgivable; the scriptures proclaim that we have all fallen short of
the glory of God. Love couldn’t be a sin; God is love and she loved as
she had been instructed, but love had been her downfall. Loving John,
praying for forgiveness, she needed to be forgiven. In her solitude,
she prayed. She knelt on the floor of the marble tiled shower,
prostrate and vulnerable to the author and finisher of her faith,
supplicating quietly.

Beads of scorching water pelted the span of her narrow shoulder
blades, dampening her hair beneath its spray. The tension of the past
few weeks had finally gathered in heavy knots in the area between her
shoulders. She felt it; Sami’s visceral pain, Roman’s forthcoming pain
and loss, and the fallout of her decision to end her marriage, it was
all she could do not to turn around and weaken under the burden of
Sami’s pleas. It might have been enough—Sami’s adverse reaction—to
stop her from walking out of the door. She almost had stopped, and
turned back before it was too late until the baby inside of her
fluttered around in the pool of its origins, sealed inside her womb;
and she was compelled to move on, to continue out of the door, to
drive away from their house, to say goodbye to her life as Mrs. Roman
Brady.

Who was she now she wondered still beseeching God for a clear
conscience: a single mother with children who could possibly hate her,
with a baby whose father she was not married to, and an unborn child
who would forever be associated to the circumstances of its
conception?

She arose slowly from the floor of the shower, and reached to turn off
the faucet. Wrapping herself in a towel, she navigated the room
clumsily in the darkness; it suited her purpose. Darkness and pain, a
terrible partnership. She lay in the center of the queen-sized bed and
lowered her eyelids tightly. She wanted to find that calmness, to
center herself, because a sense of drifting was slowly encumbering
her.

The reverie of her meditation was broken by the sound of heavy
knocking. She leapt up and hurried to the door. She was greeted by the
lucidity of those sapphire eyes. “Doc, I couldn’t stay away,” he said
as soon as she pulled the door fully open. “I wanted to make sure you
were alright.”

She stepped aside as John brushed pass her. It had been hours since
she’d been in his arms and she could still smell her perfume shadowing
him. She closed the door and turned to offer him a seat. “Have a
seat.” She spoke as if she hadn’t just revealed the greatest of
blessings to him, as if they were strangers, as if she weren’t
pregnant with their second love child.

“Are you okay?” He asked surveying the length of her damp body, bathed
in the essence of new motherhood. Wondering why it was that she seemed
more naked than any other woman he’d seen in that state; she was
standing unpretentiously in a towel as if it were her most natural
state.

“Fine. Fine. I’m just a little tired.” She said seeing the disarming
look spreading over John’s face.

“The baby?”

“Perhaps…it’s been a long day, John. You didn’t have to check up on
me, really. I’m a big girl. I should get something on…” She said
remembering the towel covering her. “Excuse me.”

John surveyed the room after she walked out of the room; he noticed
her suitcases in the corner. “How was it?” he questioned after she
returned from the bathroom with a terry cloth robe on. “How’d it go?”

“I don’t want to discuss it.”

“Did Roman…”

“No,” she said assertively, “he didn’t do anything. He walked out
before I could really tell him anything besides my decision to end our
marriage.” She said half-heartedly. “Sami overheard and she’s torn
apart.”

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry.” He said forcing himself to ignore Marlena’s
pained face, to not stand up and hug her closely.

“Me too…I’ve never seen her so distraught John. She was devastated.”

“She’ll be okay. You have to talk to her…and keep talking to her.
She’s a sensitive girl but she loves hard…and she’s loyal to a fault.”

“She’s still my baby…my little girl is hurting and I’m the cause.”

“Well, what else could we do?” He said.

“We?”

“Yes, we…as in you and me.”

“John…”

“No…don’t misunderstand me. I heard you tonight Doc. I heard
everything you said. I’m not happy about the arrangement but I
understand that we have a lot to work out…and we will. I’m dedicated
to building a family with you…and all of our children. I’m not going
to give up on us. If that means courting you slowly then so be it. I’m
going to adore you. I’m going to prove to you how much I love you.”

“You don’t have to prove that to me,” she whispered. “I already know that John.”

“Good. Then I’m going to provide you with reassurance. After you left
tonight, I felt as if we’d gotten something back that I thought we
lost when you went to Colorado. I thought we were completely over.”

“Thus Avery.”

“Me and you.” John said closing the distance between them. “No more
anyone…it’s just you and me Doc.” He touched her face gently. “You and
me.”

“No,” she said backing up, “we can’t.” Just his touch could affect her.

“I’m not trying to seduce you.”

“I don’t think you understand what you do to me. It’s like fire in my
veins when you’re near me…fire. Whenever we’re this close,” she said
motioning between them, “I want you to touch me anywhere. To kiss me
or just hold me…anything, but I don’t want that now. I want to be
clear about this: I can’t make love to you, not again.”

“I understand.”

“Not until I’m sure.” She added quickly.

“Sure about us?”

“I need to know that our passion is about love and not lust. Just the
thought of you touching me, or when I feel your breath on my skin
makes it hard to stand across from you without wanting to be with you.
That’s scary. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”

“Doc…I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You can’t be sure of that…and I can’t be sure that I won’t hurt you
either. However, we do have to be sure of the children. You only have
one chance at that. I’ve messed up completely with Sami and Eric…I
want to be better for Belle and this baby, and for the twins…I want to
fix our relationships. They all deserve better.”

“You are the best they’ll ever have. You’re not a bad mother.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Listen to me lady…this is the woman I love…don’t beat up on her.” He
said squeezing her shoulder. “You are a wonderful mother, Doc. You are
a loving human being.”

“What is this make Marlena feel better day,” she said craning her neck coyly.

“Yes. I want to devote my life to that. I always want to make you feel
good. Always…just as soon as you’re ready for that again.”

“You’ve already done that for today,” she said smirking as she walked
away. “I appreciate you checking up on me. It’s been rather lonely
here.”

“Belle’s still with Ma and Pop?”

“Yes, she and Eric are staying overnight. I talked to Eric a little while ago.”

“How does he seem?”

“He’s better and a little less anxious.”

“That’s good Doc.”

“Yes it is. He and Carrie have shown such care and compassion with
this situation.”

“Did you expect anything less? You’re their mother…the perfect role model.”

“John, I’m not perfect…I don’t want to be. I make mistakes. I’ve done
hurtful things. I’m human.”

“I know…and I love you anyway.”

“I’m tired John. I want to rest up for tomorrow. I just want this day to end.”

He looked uncertain. “Are you sure you want to be alone?”

“I’m sure.” She said ushering him to the door. “You go on home. I’m
going to be perfectly fine here.” She opened the door and extended her
arm across the doorframe.

“Doc, you don’t have to be brave.” He told her crossing the threshold.
“I won’t think any less of you.”

“John, I’m not being brave. I’m okay. So goodnight.” She nudged him,
placing her hands the small of his back to guide him out of her room.
He swiveled around, catching her off guard as he locked her arms
around his waist with his hands. “John…goodnight.” She said staring
directly into those mesmerizing eyes, as they connected, pressing
foreheads together.

“I love you Marlena Evans.”

Mesmerized, loved, and adored; he could convey those with a simple
sentence. She kissed him; an innocent, first-love kind of peck, absent
of overwrought emotion and passion. It was the gentlest touch she
could manage, but also one of the most sensual she’d ever felt in her
life. “I love you, John.”

Her admission compelled him to clench her mouth between his anxious
lips. Overpowering her lips between his teeth and tongue, he sucked
and pulled at her mouth hungrily. “Doc, I want you so badly…” he
moaned.

“John we can’t.” She told him breaking away. “Not now…not yet.”

“Baby, you’re killing me.” He said moving away from their connection.

“I don’t mean to, really. I…”

“I know. You don’t have to explain it to me. I’m going to go.” He
leaned forward to kiss her again. “I’m going to call when I get home.
And I’ll call you in the morning.” He told her while walking away.

She watched him disappear down the hall before turning to go back into
her room. She’d barely crossed the room when a light tap at the door
caused her to smile. John had found another reason to come back.
“John…I told you I’m fine,” she said opening the door. He was standing
with the coldest glare she’d ever witnessed. “Roman?”
He forced himself into the room, pushing by her roughly. “What the
hell is going on Doc?”

“Roman.”

“Yes, Roman…your husband not John,” He said with an air of disgust.
“Not John…not that son of a bitch.”

He’d seen, she realized inwardly. She’d never wanted him to see it.
“Do you hear me?” she heard him shout, pulling her from her thoughts.
Veins bulged viciously from his neck. “Roman…calm down.” She said
finding the distance between them suddenly too close. How had he moved
to close?

“Calm down? Doc, I go home to an empty house…no you…Belle’s at my
parents. And then I come here and see you…you and that playboy kissing
in the hallway of the Salem Inn. Calm down.”

She moved slowly, taking back steps to the other side of the room.
Shame—or something more profound caused her to pull her robe tighter
together. “Roman, I’m uncomfortable with the way you’re acting right
now. Please calm down.”

“What do you expect me to do? Marlena…our daughter is at home in
tears, still. She crying bloody murder and you’re here fucking John.”
He said as if it hadn’t occurred to him before then. “You’re here with
him while my family is being torn apart.”

“I didn’t…” she cried. “ It’s not like that.”

“You said you’d be home when I got back. You couldn’t wait to get here
to meet him, could you? How long has this been going on?”

“Roman.”

He shouted bitterly, “How long?”

“Roman, it’s not what you think. John and I…”

“Don’t say his name…not to me.” He crossed the room toward her.

“Roman.” She was caught off guard by the impact of her body hitting
the wall. He hadn’t pushed her so much as he’d backed her forcefully
against the wall. Terror sweltered around her. She couldn’t move; he’d
formed a blockade with his arms. “You’re scaring me Roman. Please let
me…”

“I want to talk to you…I want to know what the hell is going on here.
What are you thinking?”

“Roman you’re being irrational…and I’m afraid you’re not in control of
yourself right now.”

“Don’t shrink me doc,” he said sarcastically. “Irrational. How
rational do I have to be? I’ve seen my wife kissing another man.
You’re screwing him behind my back…my children are heartbroken.”

“If you’d let me explain…but first I want you to move back.” She said
mechanically.

“No, you’re going to explain to me what the hell is going on.” He
gripped her chin roughly. “Are you having an affair with John?”

She eyed him wordlessly.

“Damn it Marlena…are you sleeping with John?”

She winced as his hand increased pressure, “You’re hurting me.”

“You’re hurting me…you’re killing everything we’ve built. Is he worth
it? Are you sleeping with him?”

“No…” she said quietly.

“Marlena.”

“Not anymore,” she continued cautiously. “I…I tried to tell you this
at home. I didn’t want you to find out this way. I wanted to tell
you.”

“Tell me what…that you’re fucking John.”

“No, it’s not that,” she said adjusting to Roman’s clenching of her
skin. “It’s Belle…she’s not your baby…she’s…” She was silenced by the
force of his hand crossing her face. Warmness flared in her cheek as
she rubbed the throbbing.

The silence was unbearable. She couldn’t read him; he hadn’t taken his
eyes from her face. He was unmarred by the level of his brutality; it
was she that felt the shame and remorse. She tried to push pass him
unsuccessfully; he pinned her against the wall again. She panicked.
She looked around the room for an escape. He clenched her chin again.
The closeness, the callousness of his hands on her chin, moving
steadily up to cover her mouth. She screamed despite herself. When he
didn’t loosen his hold, she screamed again, struggling to get away. He
was stronger and angrier. Without much effort, he stopped her from
moving and she cried out again. The sound of the door bursting open
caused them both to look towards the doorway where John was plowing
toward them.

The moments happened so rapidly that she felt as if she were in a
dream. John and Roman colliding. John moving her from the chaos of
their confrontation as she found a safe haven in the corner of the
room. She closed her eyes. She could hear the angry words that Roman
spat at John. John’s voice was drowned out in the sea of Roman’s
madness. The calmness and peace of earlier were forgotten in the
struggle between Roman and John. When she opened her eyes again, John
had Roman pinned against the wall with his hands gripping Roman’s
neck. She cried out through tears. John stopped, releasing Roman. She
dropped to her knees exhausted and John rushed to her side. He scooped
her into his arms and brought her over to the bed. Roman watched them
perplexed as John stroked her hair gently, the savage that Roman
provoked had dissolved and all he could do was make sure she was all
right. He touched her stomach; it was by his touch that she remembered
their baby in the commotion. Looking up and seeing the look in Roman’s
face was worst than the force of his hand across her face. He
physically cringed. She wanted to say something, not entirely sure
what, but he darted from the room and she was left with John pulling
her closer.

“Baby, you’re never going to be alone with him again. Never. I heard
you crying out. I was coming back to tell you about the place I found
for you…” he explained, looking her over. “Are you okay? Did he hurt
you?”

She shook her head; tears were falling relentlessly down her cheeks.

John ran his hand over her face, “Baby, he hit you? I’m going to kill
that son of a bitch.”

“No,” she said suddenly, “no. Just hold me. Will you please just hold me?”

There was no way she could ever go back. The path had been set and she
would have to walk in it.

Chapter 28- So You Walked With Me For A While

“God answers sharp and sudden on
Some prayers,
And thrusts the thing we have
Prayed for in our face,
A gauntlet with a gift in it.”
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Aurora Leigh. Book ii

The touch of his hand broke her sleep as she felt the warmness of his
palm resting on her swollen cheek. Morning, repercussions, and truth.
John was laying with her; his chest had been her comfort throughout
the night. Sleep struck her quickly after Roman’s quiet exit from the
scene of his crime, or her crime; she wasn’t able to distinguish
which. The altercation between John and Roman had upset her. She
didn’t want that, not John fighting Roman or vice versa. Everything
should be settled with as little embarrassment as possible.

“John.”

His eyes fluttered opened, immediately finding her. He sat up
abruptly, scanning their surroundings. “Honey?”

“Salem Inn,” she said sitting up to rest against the headboard.

“I know where we are…how are you?” he asked turning her face gently to
examine the swollen cheek. “He didn’t break any skin, but you’re going
to have a bruise. I should have gotten you to the doctor last night,
or gotten some ice for this.”

She chuckled lightly at his persistence. “I am a doctor.” Her face was
causing a slight discomfort when she opened her mouth.

“I’m going to kill him,” John said squaring his jaw. “He’s crossed the line.”

“John, let’s just calm down and be rational about this. I’m not saying
it’s okay but he was upset…he saw us together. It upset him.”

He watched her incredulously, securing his weight on the palm of his
hand as he leaned toward Marlena in bed. “No. I’m not going to let you
allow him to get away with this. This is bullshit and you know it.
Don’t analyze this Doc, feel the pain…feel it baby. He hurt you.”

She grew quiet as a pensive stare overcame her face. She swept her
hair across her shoulder empathically. Everything was dramatic; she
was avoiding those feelings and doing anything not to feel them.

“Did you hear me, Doc? He hit you…that son of a bitch actually put his
hands on you.”

“John, don’t talk about it. Please. I just want to do what I have to
do to end things quietly with Roman.”

“Doc it’s never going to be quiet. He knows now. There are no more
secrets. He’s livid. I’m never going to allow you to be in the same
room without him, not without me there. Do you understand me?”

“I’m not a child, John. I’m not afraid of Roman.”

“You don’t have to…” he paused, easing his tone slightly lower, “I’m
worried about you. You’re pregnant Doc. I want my baby to be healthy.”

“Your baby?”

“Our baby Doc,” he corrected, “our baby who I want to be healthy…whose
Mama I want to be healthy. Now promise me something.”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to see Roman by yourself. If I have to be there at
all times, I will be.” The unaffected look Marlena gave him made him
sit up, “I’m serious.”

“You can’t ask me to promise you that John.”

“Doc, I don’t know if you remember last night—when you were pinned to
the wall by that animal…where he hit you.”

“John, don’t.”

“What is the matter with you? Even after all of this you’re still
loyal to him. You’re carrying my baby…it’s not something I’m willing
to accept. You’re not to see him.” He demanded. “Do you understand
me?”

She turned and eyed him intently, pulling her legs over the side of
the bed with her back to John. Settling her hands at her sides on the
mattress, the glare of her wedding ring hit her eye. “Don’t talk to me
like that…I won’t accept that from you or Roman.”

John noticed her attentiveness the wedding band on her finger. He
enclosed her from behind, snuggling against her back. He dropped his
chin onto her shoulder, “I’m sorry baby,” he said gently near her
neck. “I’m sorry about all of this…but there are some things I am not
wiling to budge on…you’re not to see him alone.”

Breathing a heavy sigh, she leaned backward into his chest. “Isn’t it
ironic? He asked the same thing of me concerning you a couple of
months ago.”

John lifted her hand; he slowly removed the golden band from her
finger. “This doesn’t belong here anymore.” He put it on the
nightstand. “I’m going to put something there just as soon as you
allow me to do so.”

“John, I appreciate you being here with me.” She admitted securing his
arms around her waist. She brought her lips to his hand, “I don’t know
what I would do without you.”

“You’ll never have to know. Neither will the children.” He kissed the
curve of her neck. “I’ve been thinking.”

“What about?” she said feeling relaxed.

“Names. What are we going to name this kid?”

She laughed, “We don’t know what this kid is. I haven’t been to any doctor yet.”

“Do you think there’s something wrong?”

“No, I’m not twenty-five anymore but women my age are having children
more frequently. I just don’t want to be presumptuous…I want to make
sure everything is all right.”

“This is a Black right? He’ll be okay.”

“He.”

“Yes he, the girls are outweighing the boys Doc. Eric and Brady need
to add a little testosterone this little equation.”

“I can’t believe we’re having another baby.”

“We’re making up for lost time.”

“We couldn’t have picked a better time? A better situation?”

Her questions struck John and an old gnawing hindered him quietly.
Marlena’s patting of his thigh sharpened his attention back to her.

“What are you thinking about?”

“That argument we had before Colorado…we haven’t talked about it. We
said some pretty angry words to each other.”

“Heat of the moment…did you mean any of those angry words?”

“At that moment I did…I really wanted to hurt you.”

“I know.” She said remembering the last words he’d said before she
left. “I think you called my virtue into question. That hurt me.”

“I wanted to hurt you. But I would never hurt you in the way that
Roman did last night.” He said solemnly, stroking her cheek. “No
matter what happens between us, I’ll always love you.”

“I’m sorry,” she said pressing her lips against his neck. He was still
holding her snugly from behind. “You’re the last person I wanted to
hurt by any of this.”

“Doc, I’ll tell you what. Let’s make a pact to stop apologizing so
much. We’re human and there are going to be tough times…isn’t that
what you said to me?”

“Yes.”

“Well?”

She nodded affirmatively.

“Now, let’s talk about the new place I have for you.”

“First, let’s call and check on the baby. It’s the first time I’ve
been away from her overnight. I wonder how she slept,” she said
lifting the phone to dial Caroline. She detected the anxiousness in
Caroline’s voice immediately.

“Marlena, she’s back home. Roman came to pick her up last night.”

The pace of her heart quickened. “Roman?”

“He’s upset Marlena. He told Shawn and I about you and John.”

“Where did he take Belle…where’s Eric?” She stood up and swiveled
around. “They’re gone?” She said into the phone, watching John as she
spoke.

“Yes. He said they were going home…and that you were not welcome there.”

“Caroline…I’m sorry that you’re in the middle of all of this, but he
can’t simply take the children and keep me away from them.”

“Sweetheart calm down, remember the baby.” John reminded her. He sat
her down on the edge of the bed.

“What else did he say, Caroline?”

“Nothing. He stormed through here, told us what he saw, and took the
children home. They’re okay. I called and spoke to Eric this morning.
Sweetheart they’re fine. Maybe you should give Roman some time to cool
off.”

“I’m sorry Caroline but I’m not going to do that. She’s my baby and
I’m not going to be without her.”

“They’re his children too Marlena. I’m not taking sides, I’m just saying.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll handle this.” Marlena said. “Thank you.” She hung
up and hurried to the bathroom with John following.

“Wait…Doc.”

“John, I won’t be made to stay away for my children. They’re mine. I’m
their mother.”

“Baby, we’re going to get that settled. I want you to calm down. We
have to remember this baby,” he said pressing her stomach. “If you
want to go over and get the children, then we’ll do so but only after
you calm down.”

“John, I can’t calm down. I don’t know what Roman is thinking…or
telling the children. I have to make sure she’s all right.”

“She’s fine honey. Roman would never hurt the children. I do know that
about the man.”

“I don’t care,” she said pushing pass him. “I want to go.”

“What are you so afraid of Doc?”

“John, I lost the twins for five years. I’ll never be able to replace
those years. We’re still suffering from the repercussions of my
absence. I don’t want to go through that with Belle,” she explained as
her eyes widened wildly. “Those are my babies and nobody is going to
take them away from me again.”

“Honey, listen to me,” he said pulling her face steady, “I not going
to let him take anything away from you. Belle is not his child. That’s
our little girl. You’re never going to lose her.”

“These are my babies.”

“I know. Now if you promise to remain calm, I’ll take you to pick up
our daughter.”

“What about Eric and Sami?”

“Doc, let’s take this one step at a time. He has rights to the twins.
They are his biological children. He can’t have my daughter…I won’t
allow it.”

“John, can we please just go,” she said heading back to the bathroom
to get dressed.

Chapter 29- Bared Your Naked Soul

“Anger is nothing
More than an outward
Expression of hurt
Fear, and frustration.”
— Dr. Phil McGraw

God, they reminded him so much—too much—of her. Sami’s golden curls,
long and blonde, rounding her narrow face, growing diurnally into a
beautiful replica of her; and Eric, his composed, self-possessed
demeanor, his confidence arising from some sense of being her son; and
Carrie—his daughter—gifted with her loyal, loving sensibilities, the
warmness in her face brightened by the presence of her disarming
smile. They were all her children, even with her subsequent absences,
personal betrayals, and without or without biological distinction. He
forced those reminders from his current state of mind. He’d gathered
them into the living room, having roused them from their sleep
prematurely. He glanced at his wrist; counting the hours, he’d spent
tossing around in the emptiness of their bed, unable to close his
eyes. To close them meant seeing her face; the joyful, fulfilled look
of contentment as she’d allowed John to kiss her. He physically shook
the picture from his head.

The children; he glanced at them seated in a circle of sister and
brother bonds; Carrie and Sami beside each other on the loveseat; Eric
sat alone on the end of the couch. They studied his countenance; Eric
was more vigilant than his sisters’ were. Roman noted their
apprehension. He softened, loosening the tense creases lining his
forehead, as he sat in the middle of the couch, beside Eric.

“Guys, I have to talk to you about some things.” He spoke in a
frighteningly fragile tone, particularly to the three faces lending
their undivided attention to him. Eric’s scrutiny unsettled him as he
scrambled thoughts and words to express the contempt impaling his
heart. He wanted to hate her. He felt that emotion strongly but in
searching the faces of their children, it dissipated slowly in the
reserve of his anger. Their children made the prospect of hate
impossible; hating her was unnatural for him, even in the painful
state.

Eric’s voice filled the room, “This is about Mom?” He’d almost called
him dad, almost felt the urge of their unbreakable bond. They had one
thing in common, an uncontrollable need to defend some semblance of
honor. For Roman, the honor of his family had been assailed but Eric
rallied around his belief in his mother; he was his Mama’s boy. “I
heard you at Grandma Caroline’s. I heard what you said about Mom and
John.”

Sami perked up. Her body tensed slightly at the sound of the
combination and familiarity of their names; she crossed her legs,
Indian-style. “What about Mom and John?” She asked with a fleeting
look that passed uncomfortably from Eric to Roman. The question went
unanswered as Eric and Roman battled silently. Their pride and honor
dueling as the tension arose between them. Eric positioned his feet
firmly in front of him as he planted his elbows on each knee as if he
were the bishop in a chess game, defining his space. Roman remained
unmoved and undaunted. The curiosity of Eric’s attitude confused him
profusely.

“What about Mom,” Sami attempted again, wading between her father and
brother in their uncomfortable silence. She turned to Carrie—her
silence was confounding—perplexed. Carrie simply shrugged and visually
traveled the room again. “Eric…Daddy?”

“Tell them,” Eric challenged Roman, “Tell them what you told Grandma
and Grandpa last night. What was it,” he said raising his voice, “that
slut Marlena and son of a bitch John.” The calmness in his voice, even
at its heightened decibel contradicted the power emanating around the
room. Eric, in the mold of his mother, spoke without showing any
emotion.

Sami spoke first, “Daddy?”

“Go on, isn’t that how it went?” Eric said rising to his full height
as he took center stage in their mini-circle. “Wherever she is…I’m
going to be there with her.”

“Eric,” Roman said anguished. “This isn’t meant to be you against me?
Or your mother.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not. Sit down son. I want to talk to you and your sisters.”

Eric ignored his request. He spun around toward Carrie. “What do you
think? Carrie it’s not how he says it…Mom wouldn’t do…”

“Wouldn’t she?” Roman interrupted. “You don’t know her the way you
think you do.”

“She wouldn’t.” Eric repeated strongly. “My mother’s not a slut,” he
said stumbling over Roman’s derogative description of his mother. He’d
cringed when he listened from the top of the stairs at the pub. He
still couldn’t stomach that loose, unclean version of his mother.

“I’m sorry you heard that. I was angry.”

“Carrie, she loves John. We all know that.” Eric argued, searching for
a comrade in Carrie. “Carrie say something.”

“Why should she?” Sami cried. She moved to sit beside Roman. “Mom left
us Eric. She left us last night for John.” She said questioningly.
Looking to Roman for confirmation.

“She didn’t,” Eric said defensively. “She would never do that…she
won’t leave us.”

“Eric and Sami. Please, I don’t want this to cause a rift between the
two of you,” Roman interjected, pulling Sami closer to him.

Eric stood defiantly in the center waiting for Carrie to defend their
mother. She looked trapped. She avoided both Roman and Sami’s
questioning eyes. Matching Eric’s gaze, she offered a weak smile.

“Sis, I know it’s hard for you…but we can’t let him say those things about mom.”

“Eric,” Roman said shaking his head. “

“What,” he said acknowledging his father disrespectfully. “I’m going
to find Mom.” He said tiring of the witch trial in their living room.

Roman stood, halting Eric’s progression from the center of the room.
He pressed his palms against Eric’s chest. “I’m your father,” he
reminded him forcefully.

“And she’s my mother,” Eric countered.

“You’re mother is breaking up your family. That’s okay by you? The
fact that she’s committing adultery with John doesn’t bother you at
all?”

Carrie perched on the edge of the couch; she was unable to hold her
opinion any longer. She’d decided after Marlena’s confession that she
should remain a neutral voice in the incoming chaos; she’d known it
would come soon. “Don’t. This is an inappropriate conversation to have
with your children. Marlena’s not here to defend herself. It’s
unfair.”

“And this is fair to Daddy,” Sami juxtaposed. “Daddy, I don’t want her
to come back here.”

“She won’t,” Roman said clutching Sami’s hand.

“If she’s not welcome, then we aren’t either Carrie.” Eric decided.

Carrie’s attention shifted to Eric, “Don’t be irrational.”

“Well, I don’t agree with this.”

“Eric, it’s complicated.” Carrie allowed kindly.

“No Carrie, it’s easy…either you love her or you don’t. I don’t care
what he says, she’s my mother.”

“She’s my mom too,” Sami shouted. “But he’s our Dad. I don’t want a
slut for a mother.”

“Sami, don’t say things you don’t understand.” Carrie warned her
sister, appalled at her apathetic attitude.

“She slept with John,” Sami said.

“Sami.”

“No Eric. I’m not going to act like it’s okay…I hate her. I want her gone.’

“She is gone. She’s not welcome in this house.”

Carrie turned to Roman, “it’s not as serious as all that.”

“Carrie, all of you…I’m asking you not to defy me by seeing her.”

“No.” Eric protested angrily. “You’re not in control of us.”

“I’m not? I’m your father. You’re underage. I make the decisions around here.”

“Since when? You’ve never been here. Not for me…I make my own decisions.”

“Eric don’t defy me.”

“You’re angry right now,” Carrie told Roman. “When you’re more settled
maybe you’ll feel differently.”

“No, I mean everything I’ve said.” He said assertively and more so
pointedly at Eric.

“What about Belle? She’s a baby. She needs Marlena.”

“Carrie, don’t worry about this. I’ll handle everything.”
It was the sound of the door opening that caught their attention.
Marlena turned the knob, having used her key, and walked into the
house as John followed. Every face shifted quickly toward her. The
anger wrenching Roman’s face sent a chill down her spine. She halted
in the entryway, uncertain of her next move. A quiescent loom befell
the room. Her breathing slowed into nervous exhaling. She felt John
easing them toward the middle of the room where her children were.
Eric touched her first reaching out to embrace her.

“Mom.”

She held Eric. His body fit naturally in the bend of her arm. She
breathed in his smell. The sanctity of this child’s love for her
enveloped her in that scent. “Honey are you all right?” She whispered.

“We’re fine,” he assured her as he pulled away from their embrace. Her
quivering body alarmed him and he took her hand into his own to calm
her.

“What the hell are you doing in my house?” Roman questioned as he
walked toward her and Eric. Looking beyond them at John.

She took a step back, flinching as he came closer. The events of the
past night flashed before her. John. Was it John whose presence she
felt strongest? He came and stood beside her; he created a protective
shell with her in the center of him and Eric.

“Get out,” Sami said reacting to the obvious connection between her
mother and John. She rushed forward pointing her finger in Marlena’s
face. “Daddy told us what you did…what the two of you did. How can you
come here with him?”

Eric defended them. “Stop it Sami.”

“Eric, Daddy’s right…she’s a whore,” she said cruelly eyeing her
mother. “You’re supposed to be a good person.”

“That’s enough Sami,” John said tiring of Sami’s uncontrolled antics.

“Black, don’t you ever speak to my daughter. I’m Roman Brady…me…and
you’re the imposter who my wife is having an affair with.”

Transcending the moment as it blared in all its anger and resentment,
she focused her energy inwardly, drawing her emotions away from the
instability arresting her into silence. What could she do or say to
appease Sami’s anger, to be remorseful for her decisions, and yet own
them because she indeed made them. John’s presence eased the dread
threatening to overwhelm her; she felt his hand drop to her lower
back; it was the assurance that she wasn’t alone. Eric’s warm palm
enclosed against her hand. A trinity of love to shield the hate
pouring from her husband and daughter. She wanted to be strong. She
decided to be stronger. Stronger than perhaps she’d ever had to be,
stronger than the hate in Sami’s eyes, stronger than the disgust in
Roman’s face, and stronger than the uncertainty knotting her stomach.

This was her battle, not John’s or Roman’s, and definitely not her
children’s battle. The mark of any good woman is her ability to
recognize where and what her life means and decide the direction in
which it should go, according to self-intention. She’d intended to be
a loving wife and mother; life dealt her a different set of cards to
play. She’d intended to raise her children with morals and a healthy
acknowledgement of hard times; but her life had become an object
lesson and not the only lesson. She’d made the decisions and done
certain things that others thought unlikely of her; but we are all
many things, many feelings, many moods, and many faces. And most
important of all: she was not perfect. Perfection really is
unattainable. What she needed to do was stand firm in her decisions.
These were her children, not her judges. Roman could hurt her
physically but mentally and emotionally, she was the victor, because
no one could control anything that she didn’t allow them to.

She stepped forward, out of the arc of John and Eric’s safety.
Focusing completely on Roman as she signaled to John that she was
okay. “Roman, I don’t think we should have this discussion in front of
the children. Could I have a moment in private?”

Roman was seemingly unaffected by the extension of her olive branch.
It was Sami’s voice who responded bitterly. “I’m not going anywhere.
We already know everything Mom.”

“Samantha, I am your mother and I would prefer that you change your
tone. No matter what I’ve done or not done, I am still your mother. I
always will be your mother.” She told Sami as constrained as she could
manage. It had its proper affect as Sami backed down to take a less
visible place at Roman’s side. “I don’t want to dissect this in front
of the children. Now would you please?”

“No, there is nothing I want to say to you.” Roman stated. “There is
nothing to discuss. You’ve made your choice.”

“It’s not about a choice Roman. I want to discuss my children.”

“Our children.”

“Yes, our children,” she corrected herself. “Now, will you please?”
She said heading in the direction of the kitchen.

“All right.”

“Doc?” John stopped her. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she said tipping her head at him. She continued to walk with
Roman to the kitchen. “Thank you. I know how much I’ve hurt you,” she
said as she turned and leaned against the counter top. Roman stood a
few feet back near the swinging door.

“Don’t…don’t apologize to me. We’re beyond that Marlena. Say what you
came here to say, what you brought your lover to my house to say. Is
he your protection? Is that what he is for you now?”

“This anger isn’t doing anybody any good,” she said avoiding the
venomous questions he shot at her. “This doesn’t have to be hard…let’s
not make this part hard. It’s over. We both accept that. But we have
to parent our children, and in your current state I’m worried about
them.”

“Me? You’re sleeping with a man who is not your husband, and you’re
worried about me. I would never hurt my children.”

“I used to know that. I always thought that you would never hurt me.”
She said reminding him of her cheek, hidden beneath the layers of
tousled hair. “I don’t know what you’d do anymore.”

“I wouldn’t have broken our marriage vows,” he snorted. “You did that not me.”
“I’m taking responsibility for that. I’m trying very hard to own up to
my decisions. I did. I slept with John. I can’t undo that Roman.”

“And now you tell me that Belle, our child is his baby. I don’t
believe you…and I’m not letting you take her out of this house.”

“Roman…” she said sighing. “Belle is John’s daughter.”

“No, she’s not. Do you think I don’t know what you’re doing? You can
leave. I’m not going to stop you but she can’t go. None of my children
can go.”

“She’s not your child…and even if she was, you can’t keep me away from
my children.”

“Not a judge in Salem will give you Belle.”

“Roman…listen to me. I have proof. I had a paternity test done on
Belle. It proved conclusively that she was his daughter. You’re
fighting a losing battle. I’m not trying to hurt you…I’m really sorry
about all of this, but I won’t let you keep them away from me.”

“Marlena, you’ve been lying to me for months obviously. Why would I
believe anything you’ve said? I don’t believe you.”

“Roman…I wouldn’t lie about something like this.”

“Wouldn’t you?”

“No, I never lied. I wasn’t sure of her paternity when she was born. I
guess I lied in the things that I didn’t say…either way Belle is not
your child.”

“I’m going to fight you. I want a divorce and full custody of the children.”

“Please don’t do this…not this way. I’m not leaving without them.”

“Look at you…you don’t have anywhere to live. How do you expect to
take them anywhere? Unless you’re shacking up with Black. I’m not
allowing my children to be under the influence of such disgusting
circumstances.”

“Roman. I’m not saying with John.”

“Oh, now that you’re free it’s not as fun as sneaking behind my back, is it?”

“It was never like that.”

“Save it Marlena. Get out of my house.”

“Not without my children.”

“I’ve already told you they are not going anywhere. Sami wouldn’t go
with you for anything in the world.”

“I’ll change that. We have some issues to resolve but I’m still her mother.”

“What an example you are…I feel sorry for you. You’re so twisted up
that you really believe that Belle is John’s daughter, don’t you? You
think you and Black can start up a new family with my children. I
don’t think so Marlena.”

“Well you know what I don’t care what you think Roman. I don’t want to
fight with you about this. I’m going to go take my children. And we’ll
discuss things when you’re calmer.”

“I’m calm. I’m never going to allow you to affect me again.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I still love you very much. I wish it
could have worked out differently.”

“It’s not over Marlena.”

“It’s over for me,” she said walking from the kitchen. “I’m sorry you
all had to witness this. I came for you all,” she said looking at
Carrie, Sami, and Eric. “I promised you that I would never leave you
again…I meant it. It’s not going to be easy but we’re going to be
okay.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” Sami said leaving the room to find
her father.

Marlena called after her, “Honey, we’re you’re less angry and you want
to talk, I’m here. I’ll always be there when you want to talk. I love
you.”

“No Mom you don’t. You love John.”

“Marlena, she’ll be okay.” Carrie assured her stepping to hug her. She
enclosed her arms around Marlena’s waist. “Did you tell him?” She
asked barely audible.

“We’ll talk baby. I don’t want to make you choose between your daddy and me.”

“I know. You know how I feel about you, right? I love you very much.”

“I know that honey.”

“Sami needs someone whose on your side in the house,” Carrie said
making the reason for her choice clear. “Save a spot for me.” She said
winking.

“Always.”

Eric slid past his mother and sister. “Where are you headed Eric?”
John questioned from the corner of the room.

“To pack. I’m going with you and Mom.” He said smiling at his mother.

“Wait, I have to get Belle honey. Pack a couple of things for her.”
Marlena and Carrie walked hand in hand to meet Eric at the bottom of
the stairs.

“Don’t ever come back to my house again Black,” Roman said busting
through the kitchen door with Sami at his side.

“I’m not going to respond to that…because I’m going to respect your
house. Don’t you ever do anything to disrespect Marlena again,” he
said giving Roman a knowing look. “I won’t be held accountable for my
actions if you do.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Interpretation is not my problem. Go on Doc…get Belle and Eric’s things.”

She hesitated in the fear of not knowing what either man would do.
Eric and Carrie pulled at her and she continued up the stairs. Belle
was still asleep. She packed a bag quietly with Carrie’s help. “You
know how much I appreciate you.”

“Yes.”

“Good. Remember anytime.” Marlena said squeezing her again. She put
Belle’s snowsuit on and wrapped her in a blanket. Handing the bag to
Carrie, she spotted the teddy bear that Roman had brought to her on
her first night home. “She loves this bear. Roman bought it for her.”
She pulled it close to her face.

“Come on…we’d better get going.” Carrie said putting the pink bear in
Belle’s bag. Eric met them in the hallway and they descended the
stairs together. Carrie handed John Belle’s bag while Eric balanced
his unpacked suitcase in hand.

“You ready?”

She nodded at John, and turned to look at Sami mouthing I love you as
she walked towards the door.

“My house key.”

Marlena reached into her purse and pulled the golden key out. She
looked it over before walking to the coffee table to set it down.

“Come on Doc….time to go.” John said, taking her by the arm and easing
her out of the door.

“It’s not over,” Roman said sternly, pulling Sami into his arms.

Chapter 30- And You Told Me Of Your Plan

“Destiny is not a matter of chance,
It is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waited for,
It is a thing to be achieved.
–William Jennings Bryan

It’s dark and wet. They are safe; they are together. A glint of life,
miniscule as a seed, essential like the wind, capsulated in her womb
and they can feel the pain. A pain of pure sadness. They are one,
bound together by heartstrings uneasily severed. She must know this.
She has felt this. And she will feel whole again. Destiny travels
murky roadways, winding roads, which lead to the end of the wholeness
of destiny and there at the final destination: faith, love, and hope.
Joy unspeakable; she must count it all Joy in spite of the pain.

She touched her stomach; it was a natural inclination of late. She’d
always enjoyed the feeling of being pregnant. It was a powerful elixir
to swallow, more so with her the loss of absolute control in her life;
she desperately needed to be in control of something. She was seated
in the cool examination room, the surveying of her womb complete.

A peaceful week following the chaos of the previous; she’d closed
herself and the children up in the Salem Inn. No John, no Roman; the
bond of mother and child had been enough. She’d put off patients and
all things required of her to take time for herself. John’s insistence
on her seeing a doctor had finally pulled her from the island of
self-exile.

“So Doctor what’s the verdict?” Marlena inquired swaying her legs
nervously across the edge of the examination table. Her professional
abilities, calmness and sensibility, were failing her miserably. The
reserved nature of Dr. Barbara Tensley, her newly acquired
Obstetrician, seemed familiar at best. She’d been a doctor of the same
resolve and calmness; pregnancy jitters prevailed.

“As near as I can tell, I’d say you were about eight weeks,” Dr.
Tensley said smiling warmly, brightening her face. She was small in
stature, giving her an appearance of marked geniality. Her voice was
gentle and clear. “Are you okay Dr. Evans,” she asked, seemingly
reading her patient’s nervousness.

Marlena half-smiled, “Nervous…I’ve done this twice now. I shouldn’t be
nervous anymore.” She forced her wondering fingers to her lap. The
inkling of something—a terrible joy—bubbled within her nervous limbs.
She looked up into Dr. Tensley’s kind face.

“Well, I’ll alleviate your nervousness—the fetus is growing healthily.
I assume that you chose me because I’m a specialist in late in life
pregnancies; I understand your nervousness.” She told her plainly. “I
am a late in life mother myself. I have a twenty-three years old son
and a two-year-old daughter. So you see I understand…childbirth and
motherhood are nervous notions.”

Marlena sighed deeply, “Yes they are.” She thought carefully before
speaking again. “It’s not my age at all Dr. Tensley. I simply can’t
believe I am pregnant again.”

“Well, you apparently forgot the six-week rule, or someone forgot that
magic number,” Dr. Tensley said laughing unexpectedly.

Marlena smiled at her humor. “Yes, someone did. Isabella is only a
couple of months old. She’s still a baby. I don’t know where the
energy is going to come from.” She said allowing herself that ounce of
joy.

“Believe me,” Dr. Tensley said leaning forward to brush Marlena’s arm
lightly, “you’ll find it. By some force of reason or god, you’ll find
yourself catching second winds like those that you’ve never had.”

“I hope so.” Marlena said with images of Belle scurrying across rooms
while she held the baby on her shoulder.

“It’ll be interesting…I’ve never been so tired, obsessed, or consumed
in all of my life.” Dr. Tensley told her compassionately.

“I bet. Children have a way of doing that, don’t they? I’m excited and
afraid…this will begin a new chapter in my life,” Marlena said
ambiguously. “Everything will change with the birth of this baby,” she
whispered conspiratorially. The truth hindered on the tip of her
tongue. Release was inevitable. “I think I should tell you that I am
going through a divorce currently. I’m sure the stress level will be
high. I know that my emotions are connected to the baby.”

“Yes they are. Even now, that tiny vessel of growing life is feeling
the thoughts and emotions that you convey. I believe pregnancy is more
spiritual than society tends to think. As a mother, you are bonding
with this child. You are its lifeline.”

“Thank you,” Marlena said softly as she considered her words. “I’ll
keep those beautiful thoughts in my mind.”

“Yes, you should. We’ll see you again in six weeks.” Dr. Tensley said
tapping her knee.

“Okay.”

“No stress.” Dr. Tensley said before exiting the room.

“No stress,” Marlena said patting her belly, the blessing in the
storm. Joy mounted suddenly and with a burst of elated energy, she
dressed and headed toward the waiting room. She wanted to see his
face; and she also felt guilty for having him away from the
examination room; old habits die hard. She found John waiting
patiently in the waiting room. The wide grin of his mouth erased the
worry on her face.

He looked up, standing as he strode briskly toward her. His lips moved
unexpectedly to her mouth as he immediately encased her frame within
the width of his arms. Relaxing against his body, she tilted her head
back and allowed him to continue the enveloping crush of his mouth.
The euphoric rush of impending motherhood and John’s love swallowed
her whole. She relished feeling the joy of his body pressed
ceremonially close to hers. The feel of their baby, safe and sound, in
her belly lifted her to the peak of this euphoria. Freedom came with
great casualty. He held her face between his hands, pulling her
closer, within a hair of a breath from her mouth; he stared into the
hazel windows of her soul. “I’ve been going crazy waiting for you. How
was it? How’d it go?”

Her breaths caught thickly in her throat as she tried to find words.
The touch, the nearness of his body suspended all breath, all
thoughts. He kissed her again. She responded desperately, sending her
tongue into the depths of his mouth. She felt desperate to be close to
him. And finally as she pulled away, she said breathlessly, “The
closer I get to you…I forget how good it feels to be right here until
I am right here again.” She said kissing him passionately. In this
ardent exchange, Marlena relinquished the tight reigns of formality
and loved John as passionately as she could. Her hands clutched
underneath his arms as she caressed his back, tracing the curve with
her fingers. “We’re going to have a baby John…another baby that we’re
going to love together.” She mumbled between kisses. She wished that
she could actually voice this happiness. There weren’t words enough.
Simple words couldn’t express the sentiment proficiently. As a woman,
Marlena was grateful for another human being’s gestation within the
confines of her body. It was all too much to fathom. She fought to
contain herself, to contain the love she felt for the child in her
womb, and its father holding her so close to his heart. It was a
feeling she had never fully known. “Thank you.” She said, realizing
how powerful those two words were. They covered a multitude of
mountains and valleys from which they had fallen and still would
climb. It was enough.

“Baby, I feel so close to you right now. I’ve never felt this
connection before.” John said still holding her face between his
hands. The clench of his palms cupped her face in a possessively
adoring manner. “Don’t move…,” he whispered, “just let me hold you.”

She obliged willingly, closing her eyes as his hands spidered across
her cheeks deftly. “Eight weeks,” she said remembering. “I’m eight
weeks along.”

“The night at the loft.” John said knowingly.

Marlena pressed her forehead to John’s, “A summer baby,” she said
calculating in her head.

“With your beauty and my brains.”

She laughed, “We’ll see.”

“So everything is good then? You’re healthy? The baby is healthy?”
John asked while surveying her face curiously.

“Yes. We’re both fine.” She declared happily. “My word, I’d forgotten
how exciting this is. I haven’t allowed myself to feel the joy of this
gift.”

“I know. You’re beaming Doc.”

“I’m happy…so happy to have this gift again.”

“And now I have a gift to give you,” He said lowering his hands in a
slow progression toward her waist. “Actually it’s a gift for my
children.”

Her eyes widened, “a gift?”

“Yes. A gift…a home for our children to live in.”

“John I…”

“No arguments. I don’t want you living in the Salem Inn…it’s not a
home. Eric and Belle need a real home.”

“I was going to look.” A heavy resignation layered her voice. She
hadn’t thought beyond the Salem Inn; notions of real estate and school
districts were the furthest from her mind.

“You can look with me. It’s a wonderful place. In fact, I was looking
it over for myself and Brady before I found out about the baby. It has
great space. It’s already decorated. You have nothing to worry about.”

“John.”

“Doc, I’m not taking no for an answer. So, let’s go.”

“I’m just going to look at it John.”

“Whatever you say,” he told her grinning. “Belle and Brady are waiting
very patiently with Maggie and Mrs. Horton at the Horton house. We’ll
drop by and pick them up and head over to the penthouse.”

“Penthouse,” she said bewildered. “I don’t know about this.”

“Don’t worry,” John said leaning in for a quick peck.
“John, it’s beautiful.” She said as he led her slowly into the
penthouse by hand. Fourteen floors above the elegant River View Drive,
the skyline of Salem lingered against the backdrop of the balcony. It
was the most beautiful edifice she’d ever seen; the beautiful
furnishings accented the pale yellow and golden hues that basked the
apartment. Warm tones colored the walls and comfortable and inviting
furniture filled the spacious room.

“Look around,” he said taking Belle from her. He balanced Brady and
Belle in his arms as he watched her reaction to the penthouse. “It
suits you perfectly. Elegant and classic.”

“John, I couldn’t possibly afford a place as beautiful as this.” She
said walking to the balcony. She pressed her face close to the glass.
“I never dreamed of living in a place as beautiful as this. Really…I
was thinking of something simple. A small house maybe.” She said
turning back around to meet his eyes.

“Doc, money is no object for me. This is on me.”

“I don’t want you to do all of this.”

“Take care of my children,” He asked.

“No, this is more than taking care of the children. You can’t buy me a
penthouse.”

“I already have.”

“No John,” she protested in disbelief. “You couldn’t have.”

“I did. This is my little girl here.” He kissed Belle’s head. “I’m
going to take care of them and you…you’re their mother.”

Her heart filled with gratitude. “I’m not going to talk you out of this, am I?”

He shook his head slowly.

“We could possibly work out an arrangement. I’ll pay…”

“No, I’m not going to take anything from you. Now that’s it. There is
no more discussion needed. Right?” He said facing Brady, who was
squirming to get down. “This little guy wants to show Belle the
place.” He set Brady on the floor.

Brady balanced himself quickly and scurried past John to Marlena. He
angled dangerously past the corner of the coffee table in his
excitement, causing Marlena to kneel swiftly in an attempt to stall
his movements. She held out her arms and he jumped into them.

“Honey, you have to be careful,” she said squeezing him tightly. After
a quick examination, she kissed his cheek, causing him to squeal.

“Mama.” The word dipped unprovoked from his sweet mouth.

“See Brady gets the idea already.” John said admiring their exchange.
“This is your new place.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a
set of keys.

“John, I’ll never be able to repay you for this,” she said walking
towards him. “I appreciate how much you care about us.”

“Doc, it goes a hell of a lot deeper than that.”

“I know.” She said dropping her head to his chest. Brady took his
opportunity to press his mouth into Belle’s hair, causing Marlena and
John to laugh at the apparent distaste on Belle’s face.

“This is your home Doc.” He said giving her the key.

“Thank you. I hope you know that Brady’s welcome here…always.” She
kissed the corner of his tiny mouth, to his delight. He reached up to
wrap his arms around her neck.

“Mama.”

She smiled and turned to John. “I love him as much as I love Belle.”

“I know.”

“Oh,” she said exhaling deeply, as her emotions threatened to burst.
“It’s been a long morning.” She checked her watch. “I completely
forgot…I have a new patient I have to see today. I told Chloe I would
be in today after my appointment. I’m also meeting Laura.”

“No problem. I’ll handle everything here.”

“Oh, John, you’ve done enough.”

“No, it’ll never be enough.”

“Well, leave some things for me.” She told him winking. “Belle can go
with Maggie and Alice.”

John’s face soured, “Belle is going to stay with her father in her new
home. We’ll get things worked out here while you’re at work.”

Marlena smiled instantly, “She’d love that. I’m sure she’ll be
thrilled. So Brady, you keep an eye on Daddy,” she said adding another
kiss to his face before putting him back on the floor. “Don’t let him
do anything with a hammer. And you,” she said turning to Belle, “be
good for Daddy. Mama will be back just as soon as I can.”

“Go.”

“Okay. Are you sure?”

“Am I sure,” he said mockingly. “Of course I am. I’m the Daddy.”

“Well Daddy, Eric’s expecting to be picked up from school by two
thirty. I hope to be finished but if not, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind
you picking him up.”

“I’ll get Eric and have dinner ready when you get home.”

“John.”

“No arguments. I’m not being presumptuous Doc. I just want to make
sure you and the children have a decent meal…because we all know you
are not capable of that.”

She struck him lightly on his arm. “I take issue with that
Daddy…Belle, he’s so clueless honey.” She kissed Belle on the back of
her head as she rested against her Daddy’s strong chest. “Call me if
things get hairy.”

“They won’t.” He said confidently. “Now you go woman. Go work. Don’t overdo it.”

She walked a few steps before turning swiftly back to kiss John. “I go
work…you be Daddy,” she said laughing. Taking one last look at her new
home and essentially her new life, she walked out of the door.

Chapter 31- How You Would Never Let Them Know

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.”
— Confucius

“She’s napping,” John reported cheerfully. “Doc, I can’t believe I’ve
been missing this. She has changed so much in the last couple of
months.”

A grateful smile grazed Marlena’s lips, picturing John gazing
adoringly over Belle. “What’s Brady up to?”

“Baseball.”

“Baseball?”

“Doc, this is my kid. He’s going to love baseball.”

“So Isabella will love…poetry and great eighteenth century
literature,” she told John, “and she’ll love practicing medicine.”

The silence on John’s end of the line caused her to chuckle.

“Or not,” he responded wryly.

“Or not. So how is everything coming along?”

“You’re worried?”

“Not at all.”

“Doc, I’ve got this covered. Don’t you worry.”

“Okay, I won’t. Remember Eric has to be picked up by two-thirty…it
doesn’t look like I’m going to make it.” The conversation felt
familiar. A wife speaking with her husband; familiar ground with John.
“Okay, I’ll let you get back to the children. Give them a kiss for
me.”

“Will do.”

“Goodbye John.” She said replacing the phone.
It was noon. She’d seen two patients and had one more to see. The
light load had been her decision. She wanted to slowly head back
toward a heavier schedule. Her schedule included a new case, one she’d
been trying to reschedule after her sudden departure to Colorado. She
scrawled Miranda Christopher in her elegant penmanship across a folder
tab. Unable to release the past was the notation beneath her name.
Marlena made a few notes of questions she wanted to direct to Mrs.
Christopher in order to draw her out.

“Dr. Evans.” The sound startled her. She followed the foreign sound of
the deeply masculine voice, lifting her eyes to the unfamiliar figure
shadowing her doorframe. Dressed immaculately in an expensive
three-piece suit of a gray tone, he seemed too professional to be her
patient. “I’ve startled you,” he said drawing his hands toward his
chest. He was English; a proper accent flavored his perfectly
annunciated words.

“A little,” she said looking him over. “And you are?”

“Malcolm. Dr. Malcolm Cory.” He walked over to her desk, reaching
across to shake her hand.

She wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the man standing before her.
He was handsome. That was the easy description. Dark features such as
eyes and hair gave her a sense of his exoticness, coupled with his
English tongue. She found the English inordinately charming.

“Dr. Cory.” She said lifting herself from her chair to walk toward
Malcolm. “Excuse my lack of professionalism…my secretary usually
informs me when I have visitors. Is there something I can help you
with?” She asked leaning against the desk.

“The level of your professionalism has traveled the English Channel
and back.” His smile was small, the length of his tiny mouth, and had
a charmingly endearing quality.

She cocked her eyebrow, clearing her previously suspicious face, “Has it?”

“It has. To end the suspense I am your new colleague. I specialize in
child psychiatry.”

Smiling politely at his newest introduction, she silently rebuked
herself for her initial reaction. She extended her well-manicured hand
into Malcolm’s waiting palm. “Forgive me again. I’m usually not this
suspicious. It’s just been a long day.” She told him apologetically.
“I’m pleased to meet you, Dr. Cory.”

“Likewise.”
“Well, you’ve met,” Laura said entering Marlena’s office. “I’m so
sorry Dr. Cory, I had scheduling conflict this afternoon. I wanted to
introduce you to Dr. Evans.”

“Introductions have been made and now I’ll leave you two to your
meeting.” Malcolm said heading toward the door.

“Welcome to University,” Marlena added before he disappeared into the hallway.

“He’s handsome,” Laura remarked after his departure, “I’d say debonair, too.”

“I guess he is,” Marlena said as an afterthought.

“Believe me honey, he is.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Marlena said coyly, crinkling the corner of her
eyes with her amusement.

“You are positively glowing,” Laura said observing Marlena as she
pulled her into her arms. “Look at you Marlena…you almost seem happy.”

“I think I am.” She said hugging her stomach. “I had a wonderful visit
with my new doctor. John bought an amazing penthouse…Eric’s living
with me.” She rapidly fired these developments.

“Honey, hold on. The last I talked to you, you were trying to decide
what to do about the baby.”

“Well, there have been quite a few developments since then.” She said
sitting down. “A lot of things have happened. I’ve left Roman for
good.”

“Wait Marlena, you’ve left him for good. Have you told him about Belle
and the baby?”

“No.”

“No? Well…”

“I told him about Belle. I haven’t mentioned the new baby.” She
lowered her voice consciously. “It’s over.”

“I’m sorry honey.”
“Thank you.” The impulse of confession arose between them. She felt it
climbing out of the depths of her private thoughts. Purging would
help. “Laura, I have to tell you something. I haven’t had the chance
to actually discuss this without anyone, not even John.”

Laura grew quiet with concern. Her face transformed quickly. “I’m
here. I’m listening.” She told her as they sat down together.

Marlena brushed her hair behind her ear. “This…Roman hit me.” She said
quietly. She’d been hiding the bruise for a week. Make-up worked
wonders on the ugly discoloring mark on her upper cheek. The swelling
had gone down immediately, but soul bruises last longer than skin
bruises. Marlena lowered her eyelids as Laura examined her cheek with
tender fingers. The coolness of her fingertips traced an outline of
the bruise. “It wasn’t bad.” She said impulsively.

“Honey, how did this happen?”

“He saw us…kissing in the hallway of the Salem Inn. He was so angry with me.”

“Apparently, but how does that lead to you taking a souvenir of Roman’s fist?”

“Laura, Roman hates John. I should have been careful. I went to tell
John about the baby.”

“And?” Laura prodded searching her face for answers.

“And we made love…and we talked…and I told him that I was leaving Roman.”

“Roman saw this?”

“No, I went back to the house to tell him my decision. He didn’t hear
me or didn’t want to believe it; he left without really acknowledging
my decision. I decided to leave and get a room at the Salem Inn.”
“John followed to make sure you were okay,” Laura said knowingly.

“You have a good sense of John.”

“He’s hopelessly devoted to you. I know how much he loves you. I also
know that he would lay down his life to protect you and the children.”

“That’s John.” Marlena acknowledged dryly. She told Laura the rest of
the debacle that had become her existence. John and Roman’s near-miss
altercation. Sami and Eric’s battle lines. Carrie’s acceptance. The
new penthouse. Her feelings for John and their baby. Her new family.
Everything except her feelings about Roman.

“What about Roman?” She asked defensively.

“How do you feel about him?”

“I don’t.”

“Nothing at all,” Laura asked suspiciously. “Not even anger at the way
he handled himself in the situation.”

“No. I don’t blame him.”

“It’s not about blame Marlena. Honey, this man violated every
principal of love. He hit you. You have to feel something.”
“I don’t,” she said robotically. “I just want him to find some peace
in all of this. I’m not excusing what he did…I guess I’m saying I
understand his motivation.”

“That’s not good enough Marlena. If Roman were standing here now, in
this office, how would you feel?”

“Numb.”

“Numb. Why?”

“Because…I don’t know what else to feel. I don’t want to feel.”

“Honey, you feel something…you’re holding it in. You were married to
this person for a long time. You have children with him. There are
feelings and emotions there.”

“I was married to him…”

“You loved him and you lost him…and he came back. But he’s not the
same person he was, is he?”

“No.”

“Well, tell me how you feel about that.”

She sighed heavily. How did she feel? Why was it so hard to reach for
those emotions where Roman was concerned? “I don’t know.” Marlena said
covering her mouth with her palm.

“What are you trying to force back Marlena? Why did you that?” Laura
inquired as she touched Marlena’s hand. “What do you want to force
down? Say it?”
“I can’t Laura. I just can’t go there. If I do, it means that we
weren’t at all what I thought us to be. The Roman who loved me would
never hit me. He would never be so brutal.”

“What did your relationship to Roman mean?”

“It meant that I was an adult. Loving Roman after Sam’s death made me
human again. I could finally wake up each morning and not want to fall
into that endless dark pit.”

“And you didn’t because of Roman?”

“Exactly. He forced me to love life again by falling in love with him
and essentially myself.”

“Didn’t you have anything to do with it…getting your life back on track?”

She’d never thought of their relationship in those terms. He was
always her savior. He’d always protected her. “If it wasn’t for him…”

“You would still be who you are today. I want you to admit that you
helped in the process of healing yourself. You’re a well defined
woman. I think you’re getting lost in a tangled distortion of your
life.”

She thought on Laura’s words. “You’re always running into somebody
else’s memory of you.”

“Exactly. But self-perception is what I want you to be concerned with.
What I think of you; what John or Roman thinks of you, it doesn’t
matter.”
“Have I defined myself through my relationships with the people in my
life, the men in my life?”

“Yes,” Laura answered honestly. “Who are you without John? or Roman?”

“Sami and Eric’s mom…Belle’s.”

“Self-perception.”

“I don’t know. A psychiatrist.”

“Right.”

“A woman.”

“A woman of substance. You’re not defined by anyone else. It’s okay to
love people Marlena. That’s normal…but they can’t add to our lives
until we’re already full and complete. Do you understand? I lost so
much time in that sanitarium because I allowed myself to be defined by
outer relationships. What’s important is inside. You have to heal
yourself. To thine own self be true. What is your self truth?”

“My self truth?”

“Listen to yourself. Instinct is never wrong. Now tell me what you’re
feeling. How did the scene with Roman affect you?”

“I think I did go numb when it happened. And slowly I tried to cover
it up, telling myself it wasn’t that bad. I said that to Eric and
John…but it hurt me—not physically. He inflicted my very soul, Laura.
I’ve never been hit by anyone, not my parents, not anyone. I know what
it feels like to want to climb inside of yourself and never come out.
I know that because of Sam, DJ, and now Roman.”

“If you climbed inside yourself, how would that help the situation?”

“It wouldn’t.”

“You weren’t ready to face this, but now you are. You have to face it
before it eats you up inside. I’m saying to you in very clear terms
that you can’t go inside yourself. You can’t hide from this because
it’s here. It’s not going away. Roman will be in your life forever.”

“I know.”

“Do you fear him?”

“No.”

“No?”

“I don’t. I’ll never fear him. I worry about how he handles himself in
severe situations, and because of the children, I worry. But I’m not
afraid of Roman.”

“Well that’s good. You shouldn’t fear him. I’d venture to say that
this was a once in a lifetime occurrence. I’d recommend anger
management and counseling for him, but I don’t think he’ll ever do
that again. I believe the guilt will be enough to keep violence out of
any other contact you ever have with him.”

“Somewhere within myself, I believe that too. I don’t want him to hate
me…and I feel like he does right now.”

“He’s hurt. Beside that, he’s a man…his pride and ego are extremely
fragile right now. He lost you to John.”

“No, he didn’t. I didn’t leave Roman for John.”

“Not entirely, but honey John has a great deal to do with the
situations that transpired between you and Roman.”

“I had an affair with John. I’m pregnant with his baby,” she recounted
rather incredulously.

“Exactly. I’m curious about something. You don’t want Roman to hate
you. How do you think John sees you?”

“He loves me,” Marlena replied confidently. “That’s never been the
problem. I’m clear about John’s feelings about me. I’m not sure I’m
ready to give myself fully to that relationship.”

“Haven’t you already given yourself fully to him?”

“Yes,” she said slipping her hand inside her jack to rest on their
baby. “I’ve completely emptied myself out to him.”

“Why are you so afraid allow yourself that freedom to say you’re in
love with John.”

“I’m not. Of course I love John.”

“Why do you feel the need to hide your love for him.”

“Laura, you know why? Don’t you?”

Laura shook her head slowly.
“Every part of me yearns for that man…every inch of me…not just
sexually Laura. He fulfills me mentally, physically, emotionally…every
piece. I’m the happiest when he’s anywhere near me. I’m the saddest
when he’s not. I’m a better mother in his presence. I just feel like a
whole person when I’m with him…but that’s not what I’m supposed to
feel. I’m supposed to have been complete. You said so.”

“Honey, it doesn’t make it wrong to love him. It’s just not healthy to
feel like someone else completes you.”

“Nobody has ever understood how much I need John, not even me. I’m so
confused. I want to love him. I do love him. I just don’t want it to
be so illegitimate.”

“Who thinks of your love as illegitimate? Surely you don’t.”

“Everyone else does. Lose Roman. Gain John. Gain Roman. Lose John.”

“Marlena, what do you feel?”

“I feel like I want to share my life with John. I want to parent our
children together. I want to have anniversaries and birthdays in his
arms. I want it all.”

“You’re the only thing holding it up, honey.”

“I am, aren’t I?”

“Yes. You can define boundaries, but in love are there really
boundaries? You know this yourself, you and John have an almost
chemical attraction to each other.”
She blushed uncontrollably.

“You do. I envy it…we all do.”

“I want to start over with him. A new start.”

“That’s possible.”

“Is it?” She said with a hopeful look. “I hope so.”

“Of course it is. You have to settle things with Roman…but it’s
entirely possible. You have to tell John. Make that man happy.”

“He’s happy now. I left him playing daddy at the penthouse with the
children. It was adorable Laura.”

“That’s the Marlena I love to see,” Laura said cheerfully. “Smile
often. Breathe and smile. You’re allowed to feel happy. I’m giving you
permission.”

“Thank you,” she said leaning into Laura’s open arms. “I’m happy to
have you back in my life.”

“I’m happy to be here. And it sounds like our time is up,” Laura said
after Chloe buzzed Marlena’s intercom.

“Dr. Evans…Mrs. Christopher is here.”

Chapter 32- Secrets Of Your Life

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”
— Oprah Winfrey

“So this is where we are going to live,” Eric asked surveying the
interior of the penthouse. He stood in the open entry of the living
room a few inches away from John. “This seems like a place Mom should
live.” He told John smiling.

“I think so too.”

“She loves it, huh?” Eric said moving further into the apartment.

“I think so.” John crossed his arms, shifting his weight onto one leg.
“How do you feel about it?” He wondered studying Eric’s traveling
eyes.

“You’ve been around Mom too long Da…John. I like it.” he told him
quickly as he turned awkwardly.

“I have been around Doc too long…and I’m going to sound like her a
little more. Have a seat with me.” He said sitting down as he read
Eric’s nervous body language. “Kid, this is me…what are you so nervous
about?” John said after Eric plunked down beside him.

“I don’t know.” He said honestly. “Every since I left Salem I’ve kind
of felt like I didn’t belong to anything. Do you know what I mean?”

John knew better than anyone. He put his arm around Eric’s shoulder.
“I thought I was Roman Brady for a great deal of time, of course I
know what it feels like not to belong.”

“That’s what I mean…my life hasn’t belonged to me in a long time. I
feel like I’ve been brushed aside and forgotten about. We had a life
and then he came back and said it wasn’t real.” He lowered his head.
“He wanted to be my dad – but I have a dad. I always had a dad.”

“Eric believe me when I say, I know how you feel. I was there with you
living that life. It was a great time, wasn’t it? When you and Sami
were babies, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. You were my
kids…that’s never changed for me.”

“You left us with them.”

John’s posture slackened. The strain of the past weighed heavily. He
tipped Eric’s head upward to meet his eyes. “I didn’t leave you. Your
mom and dad made a decision. I don’t have any rights to you.”

“Why is everyone always talking about rights?” Eric asked angrily.
“What about our rights? The kids…we never had a say so in all of
this.”

“You’re right, son. You didn’t have a chance to say what you wanted.”

“No, we didn’t. I didn’t want you to leave.” Eric explained plainly.
“I wanted to go with you when you left the house. I didn’t know Mom
and Roman.”

“So you went to Colorado?”

“I don’t know how that happened. I really don’t remember why I went
there. All I know is that when that happened I felt like I’d lost so
much of my own life.”

“So that’s why you turned to drugs? I can understand looking for a way
to numb that pain…I know it better than anyone. But I don’t want you
to do that anymore,” John advised him sternly. “Never again kid.”

“I won’t.”

“Scout’s honor.” John said holding two fingers together at his temple.

Eric chuckled at the recollection of his boy scouting days with John.
“Scout’s honor.” He repeated, mirroring John’s hand movements.

John grew serious suddenly, “I’m not going anywhere. And I want to be
upfront and honest with you. I love your mom. I’ll always love her. I
also love her children – my children. I’m going to try very hard to
have a life with her just as soon as she works out all this other
stuff. I’m not giving up.” He watched Eric’s face soften. “There are a
lot of things going on right now that I want to share with you…but
I’ll wait for Doc to share those things. Just know that I never
stopped being your dad. I’m not trying to replace Roman…but I’m always
going to be here for you and your sisters.”

“Dad,” Eric spoke timidly, allowing the word to impart its intended
cause, “I’m glad you’re here again.”

“Good son. I am too. It’s okay with me…if you want to call me dad. Now
let’s stop all this Doc talk…we’re men son. All accounts settled,”
John asked reaching to shake Eric’s hand.

“Settled.”

~~~~~

Her presence was apparition – like. She’d swayed elegantly into
Marlena’s office, her beautiful dark curls draping her face, giving
her an angelic – like countenance; she was dressed in an all white
ensemble – a cashmere turtleneck and slacks. Her tiny feet padded in
white boots.

Marlena stared unconsciously. Miranda Christopher impaled her senses
without apparent provocation. She came to her senses in order to offer
her a seat. “Mrs. Christopher, please take a seat. Would you like some
coffee?”
“No thank you.” Her voice came melodically from her tiny mouth.

Marlena heard the southern drawl immediately; she also heard distinct
European dialect, but she couldn’t reason why she recognized it.
Watching Miranda closely, she pulled her tape recorder and patient
file into her lap as she took the chair designated for her.

“You are a very beautiful woman.” Miranda told her unwarranted, as she
watched Marlena equally enthralled. She crossed her legs and leaned
forward to speak. “I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”

“Likewise…it’s fine.” Marlena said for lack of anything better. “So,
tell me why you’re here Mrs. Christopher.”

“My family.” Miranda stated simply.

“What about your family?”

“I want to be reunited with them,” she said slowly, pacing her words
in a syncopated rhythm.

“Did you lose them?”

“Yes. A long time ago…I lost my child.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Marlena said feeling a twinge of pain prick
her heart. “Was the lost a result of death?”

“No…he was stolen from me when he was a boy. He was kidnapped Dr.
Evans,” Miranda explained expressively, her eyes widening with grief
as she described the circumstances.

Marlena listened attentively, making notes periodically; her eyes
traveled uncontrollably toward Miranda’s face. She heard the words of
the beautiful woman sitting across from her. The pain of loss marked
each word distinctly. Love and sadness encased her beautifully
descriptive language. She’d been in pain for years over the loss;
Marlena knew what her pain felt like. It was that feeling that
overcame her as she listened. How similar there stories had been; she
had lived a life closely mirroring Marlena’s life.

“I’ve had a hard time allowing these things to remain unchanged. We
all have the power to change our lives; I could now make a change. I’m
afraid that I’m paralyzed by that inferior emotion called fear.”

“What do you fear?”

“That too much time has passed…maybe its too late to assume my family
wants to be reunited with me. Do I have the right to unsettle the
lives of people who don’t even remember who I am?”
“You’ve said so much Mrs. Christopher…but I feel like your holding back.”

“It’s my European roots…’never give too much of yourself’ is the kind
of aphorisms I grew up with. My mother was born in France; I was also
born there. I learned the art of goodbye as a child. Father was an
American business man which meant that we traveled extensively
throughout the world until I was a teenager. Goodbye is the worst
thing to teach a child. It’s not a notion they understand well.
Growing up to never exist is really how I would describe my childhood.
I was the only child of a wealthy family. My only companions were my
parents; Mama and Papa.” A mist glistened in Miranda’s soulful eyes as
she spoke. Her voice remained steady. “I raised my son in the same
way. He was my best friend, especially after my husband’s death.” She
paused and looked at Marlena. “I’m trying to give you the full context
of why I’m here, but I feel as though I’m going over board.”

“No, it’s helpful to understand your past in order to help you resolve
the present.” Marlena said. She was already intrigued by her without
hearing about her aristocratic roots, her flowery descriptions pulled
her further in. “Tell me about your parents.”

“Mama was a beautiful woman. Artistic. Loving. She loved life fully.
She lived it to a – what’s the American expression? To the hilt. Papa
was a incorrigible business man who indulged me immensely. They were
great parents.”

“It’s interesting that you labeled that as an American expression,
don’t you consider yourself American?”

“I have no home but me…Anne Truit said that…I agree. I adapt well to
whatever environment, state, or country I am in. I have no home. I
reside in Louisiana. I’ve lived there longer than any other place…but
its because of my granddaughter.”

Marlena’s interest piqued yet again. “Granddaughter? I was under the
impression that you didn’t have any family.”
“I have her.”

“And your parents?”

“Oh, Dr. Evans they have been gone a long time now.”

“So its just you and your granddaughter.”

“Yes.” Miranda said easing back into the couch. “It’s really her that
compels me to do this, to come here and try to put her life back
together.”
“Has it been torn apart somehow.”

“She doesn’t even know but it was before she was even born. If you had
a child, Dr. Evans, a child you didn’t know existed, would you want
that child in your life – even if that child didn’t even know you
existed?”

Marlena answered too quickly, “Of course I would.” She felt foolish
for responding without thinking. “I’ve had my children taken away from
me…I know what that’s like.” She shared with Miranda.

“Children are so very precious. They are God’s greatest redemption.”

Marlena nodded, touching the baby. “They are. They make everything so clear.”

Miranda watched her curiously, following the gentle caresses of her
hand across her stomach. Her observation unnerved Marlena. “You strike
me as a very maternal person, Dr. Evans.”

“Do I?”

“You do. I’m sure your children are happy…you almost remind me of
Mama. There’s something about your essence.”

She twisted uncomfortably in her seat. “Thank you. Your
granddaughter…” confusion colored her face. “Your son was an only
child.”

”Yes.”

“This grandchild is your blood relative?”
“Yes.”

“How is that possible?”

“With God everything is possible. The wind shifts and brings things
into your life that you never knew you deserved or that even existed.
The reason I’m here is because of her…she’s his daughter. She doesn’t
know he exists; he doesn’t know either of us exists. And beyond all of
those issues is her mother – she’s unaware of the child, also.”

“Mrs. Christopher, I getting lost in translation. Where did the child
come from?”

“In time Dr. Evans my story will be clear to you – not now. Our time’s
up.” Miranda told her pointing at the clock on her wall.

“You’re right,” Marlena said. “I’d like to see you again.”

“I would like that, also.”

“Schedule another appointment in a couple of weeks with Chloe or
sooner if your willing.”

“I’ll do just that Dr. Evans. Thank you.” She said standing and
shaking Marlena’s hand. She swayed elegantly out of the door. Marlena
clutched her heart. Patients often made impressions on her. Miranda
Christopher imparted a dizzying interest. She wanted to know so much
more than she had shared. Something unnamable moved inside of Marlena,
and she knew that Miranda would be a patient she took home with her.
Realizing the time, she packed up and headed out.

~~~~~~

“Mom’s going to kill you,” Eric said laughing at John’s effort at
dinner. He was hanging up with the nearest pizza delivery shop when
Eric and Brady had sailed into the room. “Pizza’s not healthy.”

“Says who?” John mocked lifting Brady from Eric’s back. “We like
pizza, don’t we Brady?” Brady agreed with a nod into his father’s
forehead. “See this is a kid who knows good food.”

“I’m not saying its not good. Mom will say otherwise. I’m proud of
you.” Eric slapped John’s back.
“Thank you…at least someone appreciates my effort. Mom will be fine.
As long as she’s not cooking, right?”

“Exactly.”

John let Brady loose. He ran immediately for Eric. They were becoming
fast friends. “Did you find everything okay up there? I had the
decorator do something things that should match your style.”

“I loved it,” Eric told him as he lifted Brady for a half-superman
through the air. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” He’d wanted everything to be suitable for Marlena
and the children. Nothing would be out of place. Nothing would
unfamiliar. An added bonus included a nanny for Belle and by extension
Brady named Chelsea.

“Mr. Black…it’s time for Brady’s bath,” Chelsea said from the top of
the stairs. She was a kind looking woman with a easy manner.

“John,” he reminded her. “And he’s all yours. Dr. Evans should be home
in a min. She’ll want to say goodnight to the children.”

Eric handed Brady to Chelsea. “You’re staying?”

John slapped his leg, “I didn’t even think about that…we’re falling
back into patterns so easily. No…we’re going home.”

“I don’t mind. Brady and I are buds.”

“It’s not up to me kid. It’s your mother’s decision. I’m not going to
push her. I’d love to stay though…you know that.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“We’ll have dinner with Doc and then head out.” He said shaking his
head. “Let’s get this place picked up before your mother gets home,”
he said scanning the room covered with a trail of Brady’s toys.

“I’ll get that,” John said heading to the door. “It can’t be dinner already.”

It was Avery. She stepped into the apartment, pulling him close enough
to kiss him. He side-stepped after the initial shock of her forward
gesture.

“Avery…my children,” he said turning around to Eric’s troubled face.

“Oh,” she said grinning. “I didn’t know you had company.”

“Can I speak with you outside,” he said dragging by her elbow to the
hallway. “Why would you do that in front of my son?”

“Why haven’t you called me?”

“Avery, I’ve been meaning to do that…it’s just been a hectic time.”

“Don’t tell me that, I know your schedule John. You’ve been wrapped up
in Marlena’s life. I’m confused about this – you were very upset with
her and now she’s moved into the penthouse.”

“Avery, you sound like a jealous school girl. This isn’t about Doc. I
don’t appreciate you showing up like this.”

“I don’t appreciate your new attitude.”

John sighed. He decided to try a different approach. “I’m very sorry
I’ve been neglectful. I really am. I’ve been trying to work things out
with Marlena.”

“I see.”

“We’ll talk.”

“Dinner?” Avery asked hopeful.
“Yes,” he said dejectedly. In perfect timing, Marlena stepped out of
the elevator. She walked to John.

“Good evening.” She said eyeing Avery. “You must be Avery Chase.”

“I am.” Avery confirmed straightening her posture rigidly. “It’s a
pleasure to meet you Dr. Evans.”

“I’m sure. Hello John,” she said turning toward John, “am I
interrupting some kind of business?”

“No.” Avery said abruptly. “I wanted to see John.”

“Oh.”

“I hope you like the penthouse. I thought it was a nice choice for
John. I picked it out a couple of weeks ago when John was looking for
a new place for he and Brady.”

Marlena lifted her perfectly arched eyebrow and pursed her lips
tightly together. “It’s lovely.”

“I think so too.”

“I’m going to say hello to the children.” Marlena said excusing
herself from the uncomfortable circle. John stood speechless and
completely unable to fathom Avery’s incredible show of bravado.

“Good night.” Avery said to Marlena’s back. “I’m sorry if I upset her.”

“She’ll be fine,” John told her calmly. “I think you should go.”

“Yes, that’s best isn’t it. Don’t forget to call me.”

John nodded as he watched her climb into the elevator. He found some
of the composure that Avery had struck wayward before entering the
apartment again. Marlena and Eric were seated together on the couch.
He saw the avoidance immediately.

“Eric, I’m sorry about that son.”

“It’s okay.” Eric said with the reprieve of his tender smile. “I was
telling Mom how much I love the new place. You did a good job.”
His attempt to relieve the tension didn’t go unnoticed by his mother.
She finally looked at John with a pained expression.

“Doc, she showed up…I didn’t have any control.”

“John, I don’t want to discuss this now.” She said pointedly eyeing
Eric to remind him of his presence.

“We’re going to discuss this later.” He said emphatically.

“I’m sure we will. Where are the children?”

“Upstairs with Chelsea.” Eric said taking her hand to lead her
upstairs. “Everything is awesome up here Mom.”

“Good honey, I’m glad you like it. You feel comfortable here?”

“Yes,” he said leading her down the hallway to Belle’s room.

John stayed downstairs. He ran his fingers through his hair. He hated
the look in her eyes, the distrust that he was trying to erase. It
amazed him how transparent she always was when it came to him. He had
been unfair to Avery. He meant to rectify the situation. He had been
so caught up that Avery had been an afterthought; Marlena and their
family were his first priority. He would settle things with Avery.

He answered the door again at the urging of the doorbell, expecting to
see the pizza delivery man. He was shocked to see Roman and another
uniformed cop beside him.

“I’m here to serve you with this restraining order.” The uniformed cop
said handing John the piece of paper. “You are ordered to stay 500
feet away from Mrs. Marlena Brady.”

“What?” John asked bewildered.

“You are in violation of this order. I’m going to have to ask you to
vacate the premises, sir.”

Roman stood silently in the background scanning the apartment.
“Who ordered this?”

“I did…you’re stalking my wife.” Roman informed him. “I don’t want you
anywhere near my wife or children.”

“This order,” the cop continued, “also includes said children.”

“You can’t do this,” John said defiantly. “Marlena would never agree to this.”

“She doesn’t have too. I’m her husband.”

“You son of a bitch.”

“Mr. Black, please. Don’t make this into an altercation.”

“I’m not the man who should stay away from her. You’ve got the wrong
one officer.”

“Well you can take that issue up with the court. I’m simply here to do
my job. If you will please vacate the premises.”

“I have children who live here. My son and daughter are sleeping
upstairs. What am I supposed to tell them?”

“Black, when is this fantasy going to end? Those are my children.”
Roman told him angrily.

“Please Captain Brady. Mr. Black, it’s a court order.”

“A court order?” Marlena said taking the steps two at a time. “What’s going on?”

“A restraining order,” John said lifting the piece of paper. “I have
to stay 500 feet away from you and the children.”

Marlena snatched the paper. “I didn’t ask for this.” She said looking
angrily at Roman. “Roman, you can’t do this.”

He ignored her pleading.

“Please Mr. Black.”

“Everything you’ve done to me…” Roman said clenching his mouth.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this Roman.”

“I have to get my son,” John said realizing he was unable to fight the
piece of paper. “Can I do that?”

“Leave Brady,” Marlena said coming to his side. “Don’t worry about
this. We’ll take care of this in the morning. He’s asleep and I don’t
want him to be afraid.” She lay her hand on his cheek. “We’ll take
care of this.” Her anger forgotten in the path of Roman’s indignant
behavior, she kissed him lightly on is mouth.

“Let’s go Black.”

“Doc, I love you.” John told her as he grabbed his coat.

“I love you too.” She said hugging him. She watched him walked out of
the penthouse with the uniformed officer. Roman’s smugness sent a
chill up her spine. He was standing in the doorway watching her. She
steadied herself against the burning tears in her throat. “No matter
what you do, he’s still going to be in my life. I wish you’d accept
that.”

“I don’t. I never will. I’m doing this for us. I’m fighting for you. I
was upset initially but I’ve realized why should he win. He’s plying
you with this fancy apartment. Jewels and clothes. He’s a playboy.
I’ve seen his handiwork before.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know I had a life before you gave it to him. If he hadn’t badgered
you into having an affair with him then we’d still be together.”

“Roman, we don’t know that.” She said still trying to give him the
benefit of the doubt. “This is all unnecessary. You don’t have to try
and keep John away from me…I want him to be around.”

“Doc, when you’ve come to your senses I’ll be at home. You know you
don’t belong in this life.”

“Roman.” She said sadly. “You’re losing your grip on reality. You
can’t make decisions for me.”

“John can’t either.” He said leaving.

Marlena closed the door. She resolved to fight harder.

Chapter 33- I Never Wanted For Myself

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is
that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our
darkness, that most frightens us.”
-Marianne Williamson

She walked unannounced into his office. He was sitting behind his
desk. Those warm and affable eyes retreated from his work toward her
face.

“Abe…I need your help.” Marlena said desperately. Day three of the
restraining order. She’d been in the prosecutor’s office for nearly an
hour explaining her situation. Roman’s influence with the law was
powerful. She watched the prosecutor’s face graze over as she
explained in pointed detail why the restraining order, taken out in
her name was completely unnecessary. He’d spoke in a condescending
tone about the word of a decorated police officer and how they looked
down on anyone who would question that word. “Roman’s done a terrible
disservice Abe. John doesn’t deserve this.”

Abe watched her sympathetically. “Marlena…I don’t”

“You’re his best friend.”

“I’m both of their best friends.” Abe reminded her. “I can’t get in
the middle of this tug of war between the two of them.”

“I’m not asking you to. It’s not fair,” she said sitting down across
from Abe. “Abe, John is Isabella’s father.” She confessed abruptly. He
had been compassionate to her once, she knew he’d understand again.
She’d cried on his shoulders about these same men. He didn’t turn away
with judgmental eyes. The same compassion settled on his face. She
reached across the desk. “I’m sorry to put you in the middle of all of
this.”

“Marlena, you’re my friend. We’ve been friends for as long as I’ve
been friends with Roman. I love you. I don’t want to see any of you
hurt.”

“Thank you for saying that Abe.”

“It’s true. I wouldn’t switch places with you all for anything but I
love each of you equally. Roman is hurt. He’s reacting to that hurt in
the only way he knows how.”

“Abe, I understand that he’s hurting right now…but this is unacceptable.”

“It is, I agree with you. I tried to talk him out of this move. He was
adamant. He wants to make John pay for destroying his life.”

“John hasn’t destroyed anything.”

“Hasn’t he?”

“No. I left Roman because I wanted to do that.”

“To be with John?”

“Abe, I love John. I’m going to have him in my life regardless of
anything else. He is Belle’s father.”

“And he loves you very much.”

“Yes he does,” she admitted almost proudly. “Sooner or later we’ll all
accept that, but until then, Roman has to stop trying to tear him
down. I will not allow him to be kept away from our daughter. I want
the choice in deciding who is allowed in my life. Roman has no right
to do that. He obtained the restraining order illegally, we both know
that.”

“Marlena, he honestly believes what he’s doing is right.”

“Abe, he’s being irrational. John’s not stalking me.”

“Of course I know that.”

“My hands are tied…these are my children’s fathers. I don’t want to
see any of them in jail. That would break my heart and on top of that
devastate the children. What can I do Abe?”

“Let Roman calm down.”

“No,” she said shaking her head defiantly, “he can’t control my life.
I’m not willing to give up that power anymore. I want us to work this
out like reasonable adults.”

“I understand.”

“This restraining order has to be lifted,” Marlena said grabbing her
purse. “I’ve waited three days…I think I’ll speak to Mickey.”

Abe stood and walked around the desk to show Marlena out. “Good luck
Marlena,” he said kissing her cheek.

“Thank you.”

Marlena was running late for dinner with Laura and Maggie. She called
the penthouse from her car phone. Chelsea answered. Belle had been
asleep for an hour; she could hear Eric and Brady’s distinctive voice
mingling with in the background. The sound of those two boys,
together, despite the anger between their fathers, warmed her to the
brink of tears. She squinted the wetness from her eyes, wiping her
cheek with a free hand. Chelsea had picked Brady up before heading to
the penthouse; he’d been with John for the past two days. Marlena
didn’t ask where he’d gone, instead she told Chelsea to give the
children her love before hanging up. When she reached Maggie’s new
restaurant Tuscany, she parked near the door and rushed inside.

Maggie greeted her at the hostess’ booth. “Hi honey.”

“Maggie, I love it,” she said admiring the elegant decorum of the
interior. “It’s beautiful.”

“Thank you. I love it, too. Our table’s there,” Maggie said pointing
to the table nearest the dance floor where couples had congregated.
Laura was already seated, sipping leisurely on a cup of wine. “I’ll
join you in a minute. I have to take care of some things in the
kitchen first.”

“Okay.” Marlena squeezed Maggie and headed towards Laura. A beautiful
melody filled the room, a sensual saxophone humming romantic chords.
She eased into the crowd, maneuvering between dancing couples. He came
into her view almost magically. She’d been looking at Laura, smiling
because there was a face who knew every thing she’d been through
within the past months, when John appeared across the room. Appeared,
not entirely. He looked comfortable, like he’d been there for a long
time. And she was sitting across from him, flashing a flirty smile
that sent waves of nausea throughout her stomach. Her hand moved to
quell the waves. Laura noticed her hesitation. She felt herself being
guided toward the table.

“Are you okay, honey?” Laura asked helping her into her seat. She was
eyeing them silently, forcing Laura to look into the direction of the
icy stare.

“Oh, I didn’t know he was here,” Laura said trying to pull her
attention away from John and Avery.

“So, we’re over then,” Avery asked, taking another sip of her drink.
He’d said everything except that, she thought. “Marlena wins.”

“It isn’t a competition. Avery I’m sorry that you got caught up in this…”

“Game,” Avery finished for him, “between you and Marlena. I’m a big
girl John. I can take anything except for your pity. I understand no.
You want her.”

“I love her.”

“You loved her then.”

“I did.” He conceded, reaching over to touch Avery’s hand.

She flinched, pulling her hand away. “Don’t patronize me John. I get
it. I think Marlena gets it too.” Avery said seeing Marlena across the
crowded room. She was almost amused when John finally looked in
Marlena’s direction. “She’s not going to be happy about this, John.”

“Avery, are you taking pleasure in this?” John asked steadying his
focus on Marlena. He could see the hurt. “I’ve got to get out of
here.”

“Oh that’s right, your girlfriend’s crazy husband and that pesky
restraining order. I’m not taking pleasure in this at all, I’m sorry
John…I honestly feel sorry for you. I think you’re obsessed with her.”

“It goes a hell of a lot deeper than that Avery.”

“I think I understand that now.” Avery admitted honestly.

“She’s pregnant Avery,” he said turning back to Avery. “What hurts
her, hurts my baby…I hate this.”

“She’s pregnant with your baby?”

“She is.”

“Marlena has to be one of the most fertile woman this side of the
Mississippi. Congratulations, if indeed you’re the father.”

“I am. There’s no doubt in my mind.”

“Oh, the sure shot…sounds familiar. Again congratulations. I do have a
question,” Avery said tracing the rim of her wine stem. “What are you
going to do about the restraining order?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’d like to help you. I understand that you and me are over. I still
think you’re a great guy. Let me continue to represent you…this is far
from over. Roman Brady seems like a man with a mission.”

“And you want to lead the brigade against him?”

“I want to help you.”

“I don’t know Avery.”

“I do. I’m professional…I can be. Besides all that I’m good at what I do.”

John shrugged, “you are that. I don’t know where Roman’s going with
this, but I do want to be prepared. Okay. Find a way to get this thing
lifted,” he said looking toward Marlena again who was avoiding looking
in their direction. “I trust you.”

“Good. I’m going to do everything I can do to get this settled.”

“All right, I appreciate that Avery.”

“You don’t have to, I’m your lawyer and that’s my job from now on. I
understand the boundaries.”

“Thank you for understanding.” He shook her hand and made a quick exit
to the door.

Avery sauntered slowly toward Marlena’s table, wine had given her
bravery. She wasn’t sure what she would say. Marlena looked up and
matched eyes when she reached their table.

“Marlena, can I speak to you for a minute?”

Marlena stood, “Of course. Excuse me.” She followed Avery to the back
of the restaurant, in the empty hallway leading to the bathroom.

“I’m sorry that you saw that,” she said immediately. “We were having
dinner to say goodbye.”

“Avery, you don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“I feel like I do. We’ve never been properly introduced. I’m Avery
Chase, attorney at law.” She reached out with her hand open. “I don’t
think we need to be friends, but we should respect each other. I
actually admire you Marlena. And if we hadn’t had a sexual
relationship with the same man, we probably could be friends.” Avery
said forwardly.

Marlena listened quietly. She politely shook Avery’s hand. Her manners
hadn’t escaped her entirely. The woman standing in front of her could
almost be her double. She recognized how John could be attracted to
her. It didn’t make her feel any better.

“I’m going to be in John’s life. I’m his lawyer and I want to help him
fight this restraining order.”

“His lawyer…is that ethical?”

“His decision Marlena – not mine. We’re all adults here. I just wanted
to tell you that you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not after John
anymore.”

“I’m not worried about you.”

“Of course you’re not. You’re having John’s baby. You have a child
with him already. You’re going to have it all.”

Marlena recovered quickly from Avery’s admission of her supposedly
secret pregnancy. “I don’t believe in having it all. I am, however,
going to be happy.”

“I’m not going to stand in your way.”

“Well, I appreciate your forwardness. As long as we’re clear Avery, we
are not in competition. John and I are always going to be apart of
each other’s lives. Other people will come and go…I for one am not
going anywhere.”

“Touché’” Avery said as Marlena turned on her heels and headed back to
her table.

Chapter 34- But You Guarded Them Like A Lie (NC-17)

“Once you have traveled
The voyage never ends,
But is played out over and over
Again in the quietest chambers,
That the mind can never break
Off from the journey.”
— Pat Conroy The Prince of Tides
They swim together. They are a life, mirrored souls, and mirrored
hearts. Without eyes, they see; without ears; they hear. And they
wondered together: why is she always so sad and lonely? Didn’t God
give her joy? He makes her happy; they feel that strongly whenever
he’s near her. The speed of her heart increases in his presence. Their
attention always turns raptly toward his voice. It is a soothing
elixir in the usual tumultuous regions of her body. He will be a voice
they will love forever. She will be the love they will feel forever no
matter what happens after they are freed from the security of her
body. They will forever know, in some chamber of their mind that in
the place before birth and life, they had each other; they will always
have the quiet of their gestation. They will always be two youthful
princes.

She slept in a relatively peaceful slumber in the center of the
overwhelmingly lonely bed; the bed that John chose for her.
Unbeknownst to her, he was creeping through the darkness of the
penthouse below her. The officer keeping an eye out for Roman
remembered him; he had actually admired John when he was still living
the life of Roman Brady. He looked the other way only after giving
John an understanding smile and pat on the back. John then used his
key to enter the penthouse quietly, he took measured steps toward the
stairwell. The sound of tiny feet padding down the hallway caused him
to linger on the stairs until the shadow of Brady’s emerging body
passed. Brady, whose familiarity with the layout of the apartment was
apparent, scurried toward Marlena’s bedroom. He pushed open the wooden
door and ran to the side of the bed where he proceeded to climb up
until he reached the flat surface. John followed silently behind him
shadowing the partially opened door where he stood to listen.

Marlena startled awake, sitting up quickly to identify the mysterious
intruder. Smiling, she welcomed Brady with open arms, allowing him to
stand to his full height in order to wrap his arms around her neck.
“My boy…my favorite little boy.” She said nuzzling her nose against
his hair.

“Mama.” His words were becoming very distinct. He was clear about who
owned the Mama title for him. “Da – Da.”

“Daddy.”

Brady’s eyes shined, even in the dark looming about them. He wasn’t so
much John’s son in terms of his countenance. He’d inherited Isabella’s
small mouth and warm face and her darkish brown hued hair color.
Marlena hooked her pinky beneath Brady’s chin. Her warm fingertip
tickled his skin and the sensation sent a current of laughter through
Brady.

“You’re a goofy boy. Do you want to sleep with Mama?”

A slobbery kiss showed his approval and she lay him down at her side.
When he appeared settled his banter broke the silence. “Da – Da.”

“Brady, I promise we’ll see Daddy tomorrow.” She grazed his hair with
a series of kisses. Placing her hand around his middle, she pulled him
closer to her body, and started humming a light melody to sooth him.
Brady’s body grew heavy with sleep after a couple of bars of the tune
she’d sung to Sami and Eric as babies. When she was certain that he
was asleep, she allowed herself to fall back into a comfortable rest.

John observed the intimate sight of his son sleeping peacefully beside
Doc. Her hand covering him in a motherly way, as Brady’s hand found
her hair in his sleep. John didn’t have the heart to awake either of
them. Kneeling beside the bed, he hovered over them protectively.
Running his fingers through Brady’s hair caused him to stir in his
sleep. His boy. When Isabella died, he worried how he could give Brady
everything a little boy needed, without a mother. He had never
expected Doc to take her place in Brady’s life. But it was her nature
to mother. She was a very maternal to every child who encountered her.
John had seen the same level of love and adoration in Marlena’s eyes
for Carrie; she was giving Brady all those same things that her
children profited from.

Watching her lying unaware, pregnant with his child, with the very
possibility of a future that would resemble him, stirred an urgency
within him. He wanted to reach out and touch her. Touch her in the way
that men love to love their lovers; to cause the quickness in her
breath to erupt slowly until she was fighting to catch her breath.

She was breathing very lightly while Brady continued to sleep soundly.
He reached beneath Brady and lifted him swiftly from the bed. Marlena
was undisturbed by his sudden lost. John carried Brady back down the
hallway, placing him into the crib he’d been occupying in Belle’s
bedroom. Dipping into his little girl’s crib, he kissed her head while
covering her sufficiently with her blanket. He eased back down the
hallway. Closing her door behind him as he walked to the foot of the
bed, he slowly undid the first couple of buttons on his shirt. He
couldn’t be sure of her reaction to him. He wasn’t sure it mattered
anyhow. After the initial connection with her skin, control fell
irredeemably out of his clutches. It was that simple. Her skin,
freckled and smooth, beneath the pulse of his finger or the span of
his leg, aroused him. They could never turn back. She would open those
honeyed colored eyes, drunk with lust and lascivious disregard and
John would lose himself there. He finished the unbuttoning the shirt
and moved in lion-like movements up the center of the bed, hovering
over her curled frame. He felt pangs of want stiffen between his
thighs as he examined the delicate material of covering her body. The
lavender nightgown – long, silky, and delicate – hugged her curves. He
admired the low cut of the neckline as it showed her ample cleavage
spilling over the top. Lowering the blanket slowly, he examined the
rest of her sleepwear; the material hid the natural shape of her legs,
the tiny ankles and slender calves and thighs. He lowered himself on
top of her gently. The weight of his body awakened her immediately.
Expecting to see Brady, she’s stunned to see John. Her reaction is
slow. He is touching her face before she can say or do anything.
Stroking the lower regions of her cheek as softly as he would Belle.
Her throat is thickened with sleep, and she struggles to murmur the
question on her tongue.
“What are you doing here?” She finally says after locking eyes with
him. “John the restraining order.” Her protests were quieted. His
hands moved quickly to both sides of her face to lock their eyes. She
lowered her lids to the intensity; he looks as if he could hurt more
than he could love her.

“Open your eyes,” he commanded unapologetically. When she does, he’s
watching. She likes that. She wants him to see her – only her, in the
grips of the vulnerability that his touch provides. She’s undone
beneath his touching. Kissing her lightly on her mouth and pulling
away causes her to lift her head from the bed to connect their lips
again. It’s the breath of life she’s yearning for, the only breath she
can actually find. Pushing his tongue urgently into her mouth and she
clenches it into place with her teeth as she tickles the tip with her
own tongue. His nerve endings explode from her maneuvering. “That
feels good baby.” He says breaking away from her mouth. She drags her
tongue in linear patterns across his neck stopping at the bottom of
his ear where she nips teasing bites along his skin. His focus has
shifted from her mouth onto the rest of her body. He stares
unnervingly into her eyes while his hands roam across her neckline
slowly, and then travels beneath the silky nightgown across her
breasts. “Take this off.” He commands, lifting himself from her body
to watch her peel the nightgown off, giving him a show as she lowers
the thin straps from her shoulders and pulls it slowly down her hips.
“I don’t think you know how sexy you are Doc.” She leans forward to
run her finger across the waistband of his pants. “You need help with
these.” She asked. A seductive voice has replaced the usual proper
tone. Her fingers expertly unbutton his pants and glide them down his
hips and off his legs. “Those.” She points to his boxers and
immediately helps him dispose of them.

“I’m going to make love to you like I’ve never done before. I want you
to feel me,” he said bringing her to his lap, “inside of you like
you’ve never felt before.” He can’t force himself to take her lacy
panties from her body. He’s more aroused with them on. “Get on top,”
he tells her as he extends his legs in front of him. She moves up,
sealing her middle to his pelvis, grinding slowly as she does. He
grabs her hair from the back, yanking it enough to tilt her head back.
The kisses start gently, across her neck, down her shoulder blade, the
tiny swell of her stomach, the nape of her neck. After touching nearly
every part of her body with his mouth, his fingers resume his wanton
exploration. Soft moans escaping her as her body responds to John’s
intense scrutiny. There are no sufficient words for his unselfish
attention to her body.

“Tell me what you want.”

“You…” she whispers breathily, “I want you.” Her eyes are barely open
when she moans those words.

“Where doc?” He prodded her. She had to say it; he wanted those
raunchy words to fall easily from her proper mouth.

She opened her eyes fully to his face, “Inside me,” she said boldly.

John responded quickly, “here?” He slipped his hand into her panties.

She moaned her appreciation. “I love it when you do just that…there.”
She was completely turned on. Necessity sent her hand down John’s
chest until she reached his hard erection between them. Cupping him
between her slender fingers, she leaned forward for a wet kiss,
slipping her tongue between his lips to probe his mouth. Her stroking
fingers and mouth induced John to tear the seam of those lacy panties
from her body. He rubbed the pools of moisture between her legs in
correlation with her continued stroking. The slow stimulation between
her thighs sent those familiar waves throughout her body and she cried
out as she came rocking against John’s fingers.

“Shh.” He said covering her mouth with his hand as he inserted two
fingers into her. She pried his hand from her mouth and sucked slowly
on each finger eyeing John as he continued to pleasure her. Dizzying
waves struck her as her pleasure erupted again. She exploded with
John’s fingers still pumping inside of her. Falling back onto the bed,
exhausted and trembling, John pulled up back up and guided her to his
lap again. Her body hadn’t settled from the multiple orgasms when he
lifted her hips, placing her thighs across his pelvis as he leaned
onto the bed, and entered her recklessly. Fighting the urge to cry
out, she pulls John’s fingers to her mouth and again sucks each limb
as they make love. Perfectly. Gently. Beautifully. Mind-alteringly. He
helps her find a rhythm that satisfies them both. Her timidness was
apparent in her initially clumsy movements until John cupped her hips
and guided her body up and down the length of his shaft, touching the
folds of her slick innermost regions. She’s not concerned with their
ending, feeling him inside her is the greatest pleasure she’d felt.
Their connection, beyond its physical nature, fulfilled a spiritual
gap between them. She was concentrating on his body, on his pleasure,
tightening her muscles to increase the friction for him. Joining their
hands at their sides, she intertwined their fingers in another
unbreakable connection.

The intimacy of being inside her, with her maneuvering stirred him as
he watched her riding him with intense and increased rhythm. He was
lost in the unspoken connection surrendering them into silence.
Without warning, he lifted her and pushed her onto the bed, reentering
her promptly. She accommodated their new position by wrapping her legs
around his waist and digging her heels into the back of his thighs.
She’d abandoned the timid nature of her sexuality with John. It always
took a minute to find her comfort level, especially after not having
this connection on a routine basis. It was John’s doing that she could
be so free. She enjoyed the feeling of his grinding with abandon into
her body passionately. Loving John had always been her most natural
reaction to their connection; making love, incredible, soul-connecting
love was a reward of that equation. She found herself wishing that
each time they made love could be as sweet and loving as this. Their
last encounter – if she was being honest – had frightened her. John as
a forcefully brute lover had given her unspeakable pleasure as well as
unsettling worry. He always made certain to incite consummate
gratification when they made love. Now was no different. He pulled her
face to his, yearning to feel every inch of her near him. His hands
traveled to the space between the bond between their slick skin and
began to rub sensitive center in rhythm with his pumping. He kissed.
Sucked her lips. Licked her lips. Gripped them between his teeth. She
was starting to tingle all over from the constant attention. She
reached and secured her hands across his bottom, pulling him closer,
helping him dig further into her, as she lifted her hips form the bed
to meet the impact of his body crushing against hers. The manual
meanderings of his finger sent her to the top of the erogenous hill
again. Nerve endings tinged in every part of her body as she came
quivering against him. He continued stroking and pumping until he fell
to the will of their incredible sex, coming forcefully into her. He
collapsed on top of her with their bodies still connected, his manhood
still filling her completely. He shifted them without severing the
connection, placing her on top of him, where he held on to her
securely. He reached to pull a sheet over their bodies, exhausted.

4.3.5 Placed On The Highest Shelf

“You see things; and you say “why?”
But I dream things that never were;
And I say “why not?”

— George Bernard Shaw

Sex induced sleep quenches a thirst exacerbated by two lovers’
devotion to satisfy each other. The best verdict of lovemaking is how
well, quickly, and deeply sleep pervades. She was asleep, sheltered in
his encircled arms; her cheek pressed against the rising and falling
of his chest; still connected at their pelvis’; his slackened manhood
remained in the crevice of her center. His hand lay flattened across
her back where he’d rubbed until she was asleep.

She awoke first. Moonlight filtered through the slit of the curtains
lining the balcony doors. The blue haze illuminated John’s face in a
soft light, casting a Grecian profile to his angular face. He’d been
wearing his hair short, tapered on all sides. She hadn’t noticed it
until then. It was something she figured she would notice if she saw
him everyday. He twitched. She had never seen that either, it was
oddly amusing. Her attempt to stifle her giggling failed and her body
convulsed against John. Indigo eyes fluttered open, squinting beneath
his heavy dark lashes. He tightened his hold around her after his
sleepy confusion dissipated.

“Hi.” She whispered propping her chin on his chest. A mischievous
glint sparkled in her eye in the shadows; her mouth was set in an
appreciative smile.

“Hi.” He said running his deft fingers along her back.

“Ohh my…that was…I just love you so much.” Marlena rambled. “I love
you,” she said more confidently, more effectively.

“I love you too baby. I love you, you’re my lady – you’re mine. I’m
keeping you forever.” His voice dips low in his possessiveness.

“I absolutely am.” She accepted lifting her eye level to meet those
indigo tools of manipulation. Belle would definitely possess that
gift, she thought to herself.

“I love to hear you admit that. Say it again.”

“I absolutely am…I belong to you.” She said slowly. Feminists would
burn her at the stake but not if they could come home to a man as
giving and self-sacrificing as John.

“That’s a fact.”

She grinned lightly at his immortal phrase. He hadn’t moved an inch of
himself from her body. She didn’t want to lose him entirely. As long
as he was there, inside her body, they were one. She needed that
oneness. When he tilted his face down to kiss her mouth, she met his
lips with a gentle, coy sweep of her mouth against his.
“Honey…honey…before we get carried away here, how did you get here?”

“You brought me here…to the edge of insanity with your body.” He said
smiling mischievously.

“John.”

“A buddy is doing duty as the watch guard for Roman. I told him I had
to get inside to make love to this incredible blonde and he was only
too eager to abide by my wishes.”

She gasped as she tapped him across his chest. “John.”

“I have a key.” He told her laughing.

“The story about the cop is untrue?”

“No…hey if I’d have known you were interested in him, I’d have sent
him in my place.”

She stopped smiling, “that’s not funny. I don’t want anyone except for
you.” Her seriousness was an uncomfortable impasse in the lightness of
their previous moments.

“Good. Baby…I know that now.” He assured her with another kiss. “I
wasn’t sure you’d want to see me…after seeing me with Avery.”

“Why?” She asked convincingly. “I’m not jealous of Avery.” She lied.
“We had a nice talk after you left.” She watched John attempt to hide
his alarm in the shadow.

“You what?”

“I talked to Avery,” she said confidently. “You met with her to tell
her that you’re relationship was finished. She’s going to work as your
lawyer still.” She tried to keep the contempt from her voice. Jealousy
is a strange emotion. It could destroy and also build a relationship.
She decided to use its presence as a building block. “She’s a lovely
girl. In fact, I can see why you were infatuated with her. She’s
beautiful and smart…very capable.”

“She’s no you.”

“No,” she said shaking her head, “she’s not. But that’s another matter
altogether.”

“She’s working on the restraining order.”

“Good…because if you’re found here, it’s definite jail time John. This
is dangerous.”

“That’s probably why you made love to me so frantically…the danger of
getting caught. What do your books say about that?” He asked twirling
her hair between his fingers.

“It’s an erotic stimulant.” She admitted.

“I love when you talk like a doctor.” He teased kissing her again.
“Say something else Doc.”

“I don’t want you to go to jail. I’d miss you too much. I want you to
stay here, forever. Do you understand?” She asked John as rose from
his chest and lifted herself slowly from him. “I’ve been so confused
about what I wanted. I want you. I want you and the children…our
babies…the new baby – it’s time for us.”

“Wow, good sex clears your mind up this much.” He said pulling her
face between his hands.

She couldn’t help laughing at his sillyness.

“No seriously Doc…I’ve been waiting for this forever. You mean it, don’t you?”

“Yes. I need you. I want to come home after work and see your face.
Waking up in your arms…going to sleep in them. I don’t know why I
allowed anything to get in my way.”

“That doesn’t matter anymore.”

“You’re right. It doesn’t. What matters is now…and now I want you. You
don’t deserve half of the things I’ve put you through. I’ve never been
woman enough to own up to my part in our relationship but life has a
way of forcing you to recognize things. I don’t deserve you John. I
don’t know why I’ve been blessed with you but I’m going to appreciate
it from now on. I promise you that I’ll never deny the way I feel
about you.”

“Come here baby,” he said crushing her naked body against him. They
fell against the bed, finding their each other’s mouths in the
collapse. “It’s you and me, Doc.” He said into her mouth.

“I know.”

“You and me.” He said emphasized grinding into her pelvis. “I’ve never
wanted you so bad. You saying those words…you telling me that it’s you
and me.”

“It’s always been you and me.” She answered kissing him.

“Baby, you’re trying to kill me.” He said leading his stiffness toward
her throbbing middle. She was poised to take him fully. He was
partially inside of her vaginal walls when Belle’s cries startled the
silence, capturing Marlena’s attention.

“It’s Belle,” she said pushing him away.

“Wait.” John said pulling her back into the bed. “Give her a minute to cry.”

“John. I can’t stand to hear her cry. I hate it.” She said freeing her
wrist and heading for the door. She took three steps before Belle’s
cries died down.

“She’s fine. You can go and check but she’s okay.”

She waited, vigilantly listening for another rupture of cries but
Belle was idly sucking her thumb in her crib. Marlena walked back
toward John who flicked on the lamp beside the bed. She climbed beside
him to cuddle against his back, wrapping her arms around him.

“Mood killer…I’m going to have to teach my baby girl that Mama and
Daddy like special me time.” John said bringing her mouth to meet his
touch.

“I’m sorry.”

“Honey, you can be sorry about a forgotten birthday, not this. I’m
okay. I’m a satisfied man.”

“You are one of the satisfying men I know.” She told him rubbing her
hands across the warm regions of his lower body. “You’re the best.”

“The best huh?”

She nodded.

“That means you’ve had a lot of experience to decide that I’m the
best.” He said casually, although his face told a different story. Her
comment struck him oddly. “Have you?”

She laughed off his question.

He captured her wondering hands and pinned them at her side. “Doc?”

“John, are you seriously asking me…”

He finished for her, “what number am I?”

“John. Why would you want to know that?”

“I don’t know. We’ve never talked about it. I’ve always wondered.
Every man wonders.”

She propped herself up on her elbow. “Well, it’s an impolite question to ask.”

“Are you ashamed?”

“I’m not ashamed of experience I’ve ever had – but that does not mean
I want to discuss this with you. It’s dangerous territory honey. We’re
not going to discuss this.”

He leaned forward, angling himself a mere inch from her face. “I may
be out of line…I think I am but it just occurred to me. I feel like
you’re mine now, fully mine Doc.”

“I am.” She said quietly.

“I want to know everything about you. We’re more than lovers. We’re
best friend’s baby.”

“John, let me approach this from a psychiatrist’s point of view: how
do we go from having arguably the best sex we’ve ever had to you
wanting to know my sexual history? Make the connection for me.”

“It’s being here with you…like this. Now don’t get feminist on me but
you’re mine…I want to possess everything about you. Everything.”

“John, you can’t possess a person. It’s unhealthy. And I can’t change
my past to suit your ideal of me. We’re starting from today. I’ve told
you…I want to be committed to you. I think this is an insensitive
question. I haven’t asked you for details of who you’ve slept with or
why. I could question you about Avery…and the others but it doesn’t
matter anymore. I’m with you now. Those others don’t matter.”

“You can ask me whatever you want.”

“John, you’re just making the argument. I don’t want to know. It
doesn’t change how we feel about each other. Does it?”

“Doc, you’re avoiding the question.”

“I’m not. I – I don’t want to argue. This is becoming a pattern with
us. We make love then argue. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“I’m not trying to start an argument. I just want you to answer my question.”

“I don’t understand why it matters. I can’t see the logic in a
question like that, so I’m not going to answer it.” She broke away
from his grasp and climbed from the bed.
He leaned back with his hands above his head. She was taking a bath.
He heard the water filling the tub. He didn’t understand why it
bothered him so much. The past was the past. He had one; not one he
could recall but he did have a past. He pulled the sheet above his
torso to shield the cold air. He turned over and tried to sleep, but
the sound of her movements in the bathroom kept his concentration. Was
this punishment for Avery? Had Avery said something more than Doc had
shared? It wasn’t like Marlena to play mind games. With his mind
racing, he nearly leapt from the bed and crossed the room to rap on
the bathroom door. She didn’t respond to which prompted him to turn
the knob and walk in.

She was sitting comfortably in the Jacuzzi bathtub surrounded by
bubbles. She’d pulled her hair up, exposing the glistening wetness at
the nape of her neck. She rubbed her arms luxuriously with the loofa
as John watched mesmerized. He waited until she met his eyes before
moving to the edge of the bathtub. She silently continued washing
herself as John watched. He dipped his hand into the water, surveying
blindly until he found her thigh. He trailed its length until he
reached the treasure. Marlena remained silent as she studiously
awaited John’s moves. He circled it with his fingers, pulling away
when her eyelids lowered. He slipped into the back of the tub,
pressing his hardness into her lower back as he helped her to her
knees. She braced herself for the entrance, wondering if her body
could take another mind-blowing orgasm. Her thought process was
short-lived. He leaned her against the rim, cupping each of her
breasts in his hands as his mouth sucked her neck. He moved to her
shoulder blade up toward her chin. Their mouths crashed into each as
she snaked her arm around his neck, pulling him deeper into her mouth.
She felt weightless. Her mind cloudy. All she knew was pleasure; his
absolute mastery of satisfying her. He bonded them without warning.
She closed her eyes at its intrusion, gripping the rim of the tub with
white knuckled fingers as he teased her entrance with two inches
before pulling out and doing so again. She reached around his legs and
pulled him closer, sealing their intimacy with her need to have him
close to her. He put his hand across her stomach to give himself
balance. “I love you, Marlena Evans.” He said close to the base of her
ear. His breaths warmed her skin. “I want you to marry me.” He pumped
steadily, brushing her nub with each thrust. She leaned back to aide
him to his highest pleasure. He came roughly spilling his seed in her
proudly. She circled around in the water to wrap her legs around him.
She wanted to feel his body uncontrollably contracting in the soapy
water. She held him until he was able to touch her again. Unexpectedly
he began rubbing her slowly in the water. “Baby, do it…come for me.”
He plied her, kissing her as he brought her to the edge. His voice
coupled with the rubbing of his fingers against her center helped her
come quickly, a beautiful release that sent her falling against John.
She rested her head on his shoulder as her body searched for its
natural rhythm again. He held her. “Baby, I want to get married,” he
said after a few silent moments. Her breaths were slowly returning to
normal. It took her another second to respond immediately. “Did you
hear me?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to marry me.”

“I’m married to Roman.”

“Minor technicality.”

“John do you know more than anything else, I want to be Mrs. John
Black.” She said lifting her head from his shoulder.

“Well be it. Say yes.” He implored cupping her chin. “I don’t give a
damn about your divorce from Roman. That’ll come. I just want you to
say you’ll marry me.”

“You really want to marry me?”

“More than anything in this world. I don’t have a ring…you can’t even
wear a ring right now but I want you to dedicate yourself to us. Say
you’ll marry me.”

She whispered, “I’ll marry you,” with a small smile creasing her lips.

“Doc?”

“Yes. I’ll marry you,” she said louder. “I will marry you.”

“Forever and always.”

“Forever and always.”

“I Marlena Evans take John Black,” he said staring directly at her.

“I Marlena Evans take John Black.”

“To be my only husband forever.”

She smiled at his twist of words. “To be my only husband forever.” She
emphasized.

“And lover.”

“And lover.”

“Until death do us part.”

“Until death do us part.” She said crushing her mouth against his
passionately. She wanted to taste him, as she devoured his mouth.
“He’s happy.” She said breaking away from his mouth.

“Who?”

“The baby.” She told him leading his hand beneath the water to touch
her belly. “He’s heard all of this and he’s happy.”

“He?”

“I think it’s a boy John. He feels very masculine to me. Touch right
there,” she said smiling. “I think that’s where he’s growing at.”

“John Black Jr?”

“Let’s go back to the drawing board for that one.”

“You’re getting chilly…come on. Lets you into something warm and then
to bed.” He said helping her out of the bathtub.

“Another little boy?” Her face crinkles at the vision as John drapes a
towel around her.

“Do you think you can handle another male figure in this house?”

“No problem.” She said confidently.

“It could be another girl Doc.”

“No,” she said shaking her head. “It’s a little boy. And this little
boy says its time for Mama to get some sleep…so Daddy no more making
love. You sleep on your side of the bed and I’m going to stay on
mine.”

“I have a side of the bed?” He asked leading her to the bedroom.

“The side that I’m not on. Now Mr. Black, I expect to find you in my
bed in the morning when I awake. No surprises…I haven’t woke up with
you in a long time.”
“I’m not going anywhere Mrs. Black.” He said winking. He searched her
bureau for a lose t-shirt with SPD emblazed in thick white letters
across the front. She pulled it over her head and climbed back into
bed.

“Honey, I forgot to ask you…what happened to Brady?”

John looked shocked. “Brady?”

“Yes, Brady. The little boy who was in my bed before you climbed into it.”

“Doc, I took him to Belle’s room after I saw you sing him to sleep. I
have to admit, it turned me on.”

“I think that’s disturbing on some level.” She said turning her back to John.

Spooning against her, he said, “you don’t realize the effects of
seeing you in bed, pregnant with my child…knowing that I did that.”

“We did this,” she corrected him.

“Technically I did. Don’t take my glory. And then you with Brady…what
can I say?”

“Please, don’t say anything. Sleep. Let’s just sleep.” She pulled his
hands to her belly and they fell asleep.

Chapter 35- In The Morning Of The Night

“I believe that man will not merely endure. He will prevail.
He is immortal, not because he alone
Among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul,
A spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.”
— William Faulkner

Beauty radiates from women in the most unspeakably natural manner:
sleeping; pregnant; crying out in ecstasy; mothering; within the
perimeters of their autonomy. It’s too simplistic to define a woman by
beauty when referring to only aesthetic features. Beautiful
encapsulates so little of a woman’s essence. John appreciated and was
captivated by all components of her beauty. The incipient sun shone
through slits in the sheers which held its full blare at bay. He
stretched arms above his head, legs flattened against the bed,
loosening the tightness in his muscles. He’d watched her fall asleep
coiled beside his body. Sleep eluded him; holding Marlena was
redeeming enough to replenish his spent energy. A thing of beauty
lasts forever – Keats. He smiled in memory – she’d quoted those words
to him, whispering them close to the base of his ear, pressed firmly
against his skin during the marriage now deemed invalid. She called
him Roman then; the twins were babies conjuring ill-formed words that
elicited bursts of laughter when they were addressing each other.
Tow-headed tufts of hair falling over their eyes as they crawled over
his legs to find their rightful place in their mother’s arms. She’d
welcomed each child, squeezing them close to her breast and kissed
both – first on their forehead, Eric appreciated those kisses, Sami
didn’t. She loved kisses on her cheeks, from Daddy, but Marlena kissed
her there and Sami wrapped her arms around Marlena’s neck. John said
how beautiful the mother and child moment was and it was then that
Marlena quoted Keats. That memory was apart of their past. The twins
were nearly adults, he was someone else. But the memory of being in
their house, in bed surrounded by the family he’d never knew he wanted
was sealed indelibly in his memory.

A beautiful remnant was his lady, still close, still touching
skin-to-skin in her hallowed, half-lit bedroom. Her slender hands were
splayed on the slight bulge beneath the cotton sheets shielding her
body from the chill in the air. John covered her hand with his, as he
leaned over her shoulder to kiss the hollowness of her throat.

“You’re still here.” She said opening her eyes slowly. Her smile was
immediate. John kissed again, on her mouth gently before he shifted
her around to fully face him.

“Where else would I be?”

She laid her head on his bare chest just below his chin, curling her
arm around his back and closed her eyes.

“Doc,” John said interrupting the silence.

“Shh…we have a couple of minutes. Belle and Brady will be up; Chelsea
will be here and Eric will be heading out to school. Don’t move…lay
with me.”

John relaxed his body and she held on tighter. “I miss this.”

“Do you?”

“Sami and Eric hated wakeup call.” He told her bringing a hand to rest
on her back.
“Wakeup call?”

“Me standing in the hallway outside their doors…yelling their names
until they couldn’t stand it anymore.” He laughed in conjunction with
his memory of Sami’s contorted face. “Eric’s more of a morning person
than Sami ever was.”

“He gets that from me.”

“I suppose. And so Sami gets the morning grumpiness from me?”

“Yes,” she answered playfully, pondering the thought before saying, “I
think she truly does.”

“Do you think our baby will be like Sami or Eric?” John questioned,
bending her backwards into the crook of his arm.

She looked pensive. The light hit her face warmly. She considered the
possibility of another blonde haired baby, but she felt strongly that
this baby wouldn’t be like any of her children. “I think our son will
be like his daddy. Handsome and sensitive … and I hope he has his
daddy’s blue eyes.”

“What about Mama’s eyes? I love looking into these eyes.”

“I’d rather he have yours. I’ve seen him so many times … in my head.
He’ll have dark hair like you with your incredible eyes.”

“Baby.”

“He will. I know that somehow. You know he’s not even fully formed yet
but I can feel him inside me. I know Science doesn’t think it’s
possible but he’s already alive somewhere. He’s already seen Sam and
DJ and they’ve given him so much to wish for in us. He’s hopeful and
expectant, like me. We have to make this work for him.”

“We will,” John said tilting her chin toward him. “I want our children
to be safe and happy with us as parents. But I also want us to work
because we want it to work, not only for the children. I’m here
because I love you … and our kids.”

“Yes, you’re here breaking the law,” she gently reminded him as she
dragged her fingertips across his back. She watched his face darken
into an irreproachable glower that lowered his eyes to slits. “Relax
honey, don’t get tense.” She said soothingly.

“No one is going to keep me away from you.

“I know.”

“Good … because I am serious about marrying you Doc. I meant every
word I said last night.”

“I meant them too.”

“Let’s face it baby in a couple of weeks you won’t be able to hide the
baby anymore. They’ll all know sooner or later. Isn’t the best thing
to do is to be upfront with everyone – including Roman.”

“Absolutely … and I’m not hiding the baby John. I’ve told you, I’m not
ashamed of our baby. There’s an appropriate time and place for
everything.”
“I agree. Your marriage is over. You’re in love with me.”

She nodded in agreement.

“Well?”

“What John? I’m not sure what you want me to say?”

“I want you to say you’re going to marry me.”

“I’ve all ready told you that … but it’s not that easy to just
disentangle myself from Roman. There are issues that we need to settle
still. I’m not saying I don’t want to marry you, I’m simply saying
it’ll take time.”

“I don’t want my baby born out of wedlock Doc. He’s not illegitimate.”

“Of course not … you don’t think I want that either, do you? It’s just
Roman’s not going to give up so easily John.”

“Neither will I.”

“I’m well aware of that honey,” she said propping herself up on her
elbows on his chest. “I know you want us to be a family. I want that
too.”

“Say no more Doc.”

“I think I hear Brady.” She said turning toward the sound of Brady’s
footfalls outside their door. She sat up beside John, adjusting the
sheet over their legs to shield John’s nakedness. Brady burst into the
door with his blanket in hand. He scurried toward his parents.

“Come here buddy.” John said reaching out for Brady. His legs carried
him across the carpet into John’s waiting arms. John scooped him up
and settled him on his lap.

“Da Da.”

“Good morning honey.” Marlena told Brady as she kissed him. “He’s been
asking for you.”

“How are you? How’d you sleep buddy?” John questioned Brady as he
pulled him closer. “Mama put you to sleep and sang to you.”

Brady smiled, kissed John’s chin and leaped roughly onto Marlena.

“Whoa Brady. You have to be gentle with Mama.” John said eyeing
Marlena. “Mama’s having a baby,” he explained pointing to Marlena’s
belly. “That’s your new baby brother in there.”

Brady brightened, letting go of his blanket to touch her belly. “Baby.”

“Yes honey, there’s a baby in there. Here.” She held Brady’s hand to
her stomach. “Baby.”

Eric tapped on the door left ajar by Brady. “Mom?” He entered the room
cautiously.

“Come in.” Marlena said pulling the blanket over her body
self-consciously. She reached to turn on the lamp that showed her
cheeks flushed in red.

“I thought I heard your voice.” Eric said coming to sit on the edge of
his mother’s bed.

“It’s me.” John said slapping Eric on the back. They looked each other
over before breaking out into a similar laughter. “I’m sorry.” John
said seeing Marlena’s embarrassment. “Honey, its fine.”

“John.”

“Mom, I heard him come in last night. I’m not really surprised to him.”

Marlena reached to smooth Eric’s wet hair with her hand. “I love you
so much honey.”

“I know you do. I love you too. I was actually coming to check up on
Brady. Chelsea’s here.”

Brady leapt from Marlena’s clutches toward Eric. “Okay. Piggyback.”
Eric helped Brady onto his back. “I think Chelsea’s getting breakfast
ready.”

“Honey, do you want me to take you too school?” Marlena asked.

“Sure.” He said smiling. He rose and headed toward the door but
stopped and turned to look at his mother. “I’m happy Dad’s back.”

“Me too.” Marlena said. She watched Eric and Brady traipsing from the
bedroom before burying her face in her hands.

“Doc, it’s not that bad.”

“He heard you last night … I hope he didn’t hear everything. I don’t
think I want my son to know how well you do what you do to me.”

“It’s healthy for children to know that their parents have a healthy
sexual appetite for each other.” John said convincingly. “Now, you go
shower and get ready for work. I’ll handle them.”

“What’s there to handle? Chelsea’s there which I appreciate because
you’re like a third child sometimes…” She said escaping the bed as
quickly as her legs could manage.

“““““““““““““`
“Well don’t you look wonderful?” John commented watching Marlena come
down the stairs with her briefcase.

“Thank you.” She said heading for the couch to sit beside John.

“Where are the children?”

”Belle’s still asleep. Brady’s with Chelsea and Eric’s still eating
breakfast.” He leaned forward. His mouth found hers quickly and she
fell against him as they kissed. “I missed you.”

“It was only thirty minutes.” She said pulling away.

“Thirty minutes too long.”

“I’m sorry.” She said with another kiss. He secured his hands along
her neck. Kissing until the doorbell interrupted them. “I’ll get it.”
She said as she broke away from him to answer the door. When Avery
appeared on the other side, her smile faded.
“Dr. Evans, I’m sorry to barge in so early in the morning. I just
thought you should know that the order’s been lifted,” Avery said
handing her the paper work.

Marlena scanned it over quickly. “It’s lifted honey,” she said turning
to John. He came to her side. “I’m glad that’s over.” She said
momentarily forgetting Avery. She gave John a congratulatory kiss.

“There’s other news,” Avery said interrupting the mutual affection.
“I’m afraid it’s about Belle.”

Marlena turned to steady herself, “What about my daughter?” She asked
as she moved away from the doorway to allow Avery to come fully into
the penthouse. Marlena and John walked together to the living room,
where they sat and offered Avery a seat.

“Well, Roman Brady filed a suit against you Marlena. He wants a
paternity test.” Avery explained. She handed Marlena the file in her
hand. “He wants proof that John is Isabella’s father.”

“It’s already been established.” John said abruptly.

“He’s not aware of those paternity results John.”

Marlena was silently looking over the petition by Roman to have
Belle’s paternity declared. “He wants to take her to his own doctor to
have her paternity test completed?” Marlena said trying to understand
the legal language of the paper.

“In a word, yes.”

“I’m not going to allow it.” Marlena said stoically. “He can’t do this.”

“Well he can, he’s legally her father.”

“You and I both know that’s not true.” Marlena said to Avery. “John is
her father.”

“Well only you and 3 other people are aware of that Marlena. Roman
doesn’t have the paperwork to prove that and even if he saw those
results, I’m sure he wouldn’t believe them. He wants his own proof.”

“So, he hasn’t filed for divorce?” John asked.

“No.”

“I think Doc wants to file…will you handle it?”

Marlena turned to John, “John I don’t think it’s appropriate for Avery
to do that.”

“I can handle this.” Avery told her confidently. “I know that it seems
awkward but I really want to help you and John. I care about John. I
want to see him happy. And apparently, he is happy with you.”

“Doc, she’s capable.”

“John.”

“There’s no turning back here … it’s time to make a decision.”

“I’ve already made my decision.” Marlena assured him with her hand
finding his. “I’m ready,” she whispered.

Chapter 36- When I Woke to Find You Gone

“The journey of a thousand
miles begins with one step.”
— Miyamoto Musashi

“You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.” Roman said
entering Marlena’s office with an unshakeable confidence. He walked
with his shoulders even and his head high looking remarkably charming
in jeans and a crisp button shirt. He was the shadow of his former
self in the unpretentious atmosphere of her office. “I’m probably the
last person you want to see but I’m here on family business.” He
offered peacefully lingering cautiously near the entrance with his
hands jammed into the pocket of his jeans.

She didn’t respond immediately, instead, she eyed him meticulously in
the way that she did her patients, unnerving them with the
professionalism that hides a multitude of either pain or disgust. She
wasn’t thoroughly repulsed by his presence. It would be equivalent to
hating some part of herself. She had loved him a long time before now;
his misguided actions were entirely based on the thinnest distinction
between equally passionate emotions: love and hate. The male ego is
blinded by pain with the consideration of love and hate. Roman was as
human as any male could be, his actions were as closely matched to any
other male in his situation. He was fighting for her in the only way
he knew how.

“I’m not sure why you’re here,” Marlena said recovering quickly. “And
I’m not sure if we have anything to discuss.”

He looked wounded by the distance of her words. A shadow of unshaved
hair darkened his olive skin. He didn’t look as youthful as he’d
always seemed. “Our children,” he said with tempered exaggeration.

She sighed and folded her arms. “Isabella is John’s daughter Roman.”
She said studying his reaction closely.

“I’m not here to argue about Belle. Let the courts decide. I’m here
about Sami. She needs you.”

Marlena softened. “Has something happened to her?” She realized how
far Sami had pushed her from her life since her exodus from their
house. Sami was the missing piece in the intricate puzzle of her
family; she rebuffed every attempt of Marlena’s to communicate.

“No…can I?” He asked gesturing toward the couch.

She nodded and sat down with him, securing a pillow in her lap. “I’ve
tried to reach Sami.”

“She’s hurt,” he reminded her quietly. “We’re both hurt by this.”

“Roman … I know this hurts you. I expect this to hurt you but Sami is
my little girl. She just seems to hate me so.” She explained
painfully. She flipped her hair nervously over her shoulder and leaned
forward to rest her elbows on her knees.

“Doc what do you want her to do? You abandoned her.”

“I left you,” she said carefully. “That is not the same thing as
abandoning her.”

“They don’t know that … she’s unreachable. I’m worried about her. She
doesn’t eat. She won’t talk. It’s like getting to know an entirely
different person.”

“Roman, it’s you. You have to make it all right for her. She’s
following your lead. I’m not trying to place blame but in my
professional opinion, I think she can’t stand the idea of hurting you.
I hurt you so she has to reject me. Sami’s always been a sensitive
person. Anger is her defense mechanism.”

“Marlena, I can’t make this right for her. Hell, I can’t even make
sense of it for myself. I don’t understand this. I want you to come
back home…you and the children.”

“I can’t. It doesn’t work,” she said softly. “I can’t perform anymore Roman.”

“Perform…I love you. That is as real as it gets.”

“I loved you too. I’ll always love you Roman but I am in love with
John. Nothing is going to change those feelings. I’m sorry but John is
who I want to live my life with.”

“And what about me?”

“You deserve someone who will love you fully Roman. I’m not that
person anymore. We’ve been pretending for too many years, it hasn’t
helped. I know now that it’s him, it’s John that I love.”

“You can’t love him.”

“Tell my heart that…I’ve tried not to. I really wanted to love you in
the way you deserved but it’s not possible. I’m not willing to live
under false pretenses any longer. And all the stunts that you pull
will never change that. Belle is still going to be his daughter, test,
or no test.” She said running her hands across her forehead. “If you
loved her as much as you claim then you wouldn’t put her through
this.”

“Doc I don’t believe that you could have ever been unfaithful to me.
How could you have been intimate with John and I never knew? I just
don’t believe that.”

“It happened. We conceived Belle. I didn’t know she was his until I
saw her…until I actually laid eyes on her. It was confirmed while I
was in Colorado.” She was exhausted with her own repetitive rhetoric.
How many ways could she confess to being an adulterer? Her actions
spoke louder than any words ever could.

“I’m sorry I hit you Doc.” He changed the subject swiftly. His tone
and face were deeply remorseful. “I didn’t know that I could be so
angry with you. I don’t ever want to be that angry again.” His hand
rose robotically to touch her cheek.

“Physical wounds heal quicker than soul wounds. I forgive you Roman. I
know I’ve hurt you. It’s not an invitation to strike me.” She said
pushing his hand away. “I don’t want Eric or Sami to be raised with
that man Roman.”

“They won’t. Come back to me… us. Please Doc.”

“Roman please don’t make me do this, don’t make me deny you. I can’t
come back.” She whispered flatly.

“I can love you enough for both of us.”
“Roman…I can’t.”

“It doesn’t matter about John.” He told her desperately. “I can
forgive that. It won’t be easy but I’ll try.”

“It matters to me.”

“This isn’t over for me Doc. I still love you.”

She bit heavily into her bottom lip. “Please don’t make me say this to you.”

“What?” He said inching nearer to her. The roughness of the cotton
fabric of his jeans rubbed her leg.

“Roman, it’s time to let go.”

“No. I will not give up on you.”

“Roman,” her voice dipped timidly atonal. She lifted her warm,
gracious honey hued gaze to his face. The words built monstrously up
through her throat. “I’m pregnant.”

He grew silent, emptied of all argument. He heard what she hadn’t
said. He knew the conviction in her ambiguous declaration; he
interpreted contriteness in her tone. “It’s John’s?” he questioned,
knowingly.

“It is.” She affirmed backing from the connection between them.

“You’re having that bastard’s baby?”

“I didn’t want to tell you about the baby like this. But don’t you see
now why it’s impossible for us to be together?”

“Because of a baby?”

“It’s more than a baby. I’m going to marry John.”

He reacted swiftly to her words, standing up to pace across a short
distance in front of Marlena. “You’re still married to me.” He said
stopping his stride. He ran his fingers through his dark hair and
brought his hands to rest on his hips.

“I’m sorry Roman but it’s over. I’m filing for divorce,” she said
bravely. “I’m hopeful that this will change everything – Belle’s
paternity suit. I want to end our marriage as painlessly as possible.”

“What do you know about pain?” Roman challenged her.

“We should talk about this but not now. I have a patient,” she said
checking her wrist. She stood and took a deep breath. She felt raw.
Opened and picked apart but she didn’t allow those emotions to win.
She held them in.

“You’re pregnant.” Roman said again in disbelief.

“Yes.”

“How do I know it’s not my baby?”

“Roman it’s not.”

“I don’t believe anything you say anymore.” He told her shaking his
head incredulously. “It’ll kill me if Belle’s not mine.” He told her
with a haunted look in his eyes.

“Roman.”

“Call Sami…she needs to hear from you.” He said before walking out of
her office.

She allowed him to retreat without stopping him. Her first instinct
led her to the phone. When John answered, the floodgates opened and
her tears rolled freely, leaving a glistening trail in their path.

“I love you John.”

“I love you too baby. What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “I’m okay. I just
wanted to hear your voice.”

“Doc, what is it?”

“Roman. I’ve told him about the baby and my intention to get a
divorce.” She couldn’t hold back anymore. John’s voice gave her the
permission to be vulnerable. She sobbed uncontrollably into the phone.
“He’s heartbroken.”

“Baby, do you need me to come and get you?”

“No. I’m okay…I will be. I just wanted to hear your voice honey. I’ll
be home after my last session.”

“Baby are you really okay?”

“Will you tell me that I’m not a horrible person?”

“You’re not.”

“And promise to hold me when I get home.”

“I promise to do that for the rest of your life. I love you.”

“Thank you,” she said hanging the phone up abruptly. Her tears
continued. An unrestrained sob poured unexpectedly from her body and
she covered her mouth to control further sobbing. She closed her eyes.
A warm embrace encased her shoulders in a dreamlike motion. She was
breathing and fully aware but the touch settled her ragged sobbing.
The smell of fresh jasmine enveloped her nose.

“Cry honey. You have to loosen your pain.” Miranda purred hypnotically
into Marlena’s ear. She laid her head on Miranda’s shoulder. “Strong
women need strength also.”

Marlena quivered uncontrollably in the safety of Miranda’s arms. She
couldn’t pull herself together enough to reverse their roles. She
needed to be held and it was Miranda’s touch that felt true enough to
heel that need. Miranda’s natural maternal energy allowed Marlena to
linger there unabashedly. She stayed until her body settled and the
tears ceased. She finally opened her eyes and looked directly into
Miranda’s eyes. The connection frightened her. “I apologize.”

“Don’t apologize.” Miranda said taking Marlena’s hand. “You feel it don’t you?”

Marlena studied Marlena’s enigmatic countenance, focusing on her
mouth, as she spoke magically to the wounds in her heart. Her touch
expiated the sins that wound Marlena into a crying mess of emotions;
her grace eased the anxiety in Marlena’s face.

“What is it?” Marlena asked.

“It’s you. When you’re ready. It’ll be time when you are absolutely ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“The truth. Everything matters even if you can’t remember why.” She
said in an excessively regal voice, one destined for the courts of
royal regard. In some disjointed place, Marlena felt so and hearing
Miranda elucidated the familiarity she felt toward Miranda.

“Don’t look so frightened,” Miranda said after Marlena ceased to
speak. “I think you know it.”

“What?” She prodded eagerly. “Have we crossed paths before?”

“In another place and in another time,” she answered in her most
charismatic tone.

Marlena took full possession of her body, her emotions and pulled
herself from Miranda’s grasp. She moved clumsily to her desk where she
fell heavily into the swivel chair behind her desk. “I’m sorry,” she
said lowering her eyes from the daunting sparkle of Miranda’s eyes.

“Don’t apologize Dr. Evans. In fact, I should apologize. I saw that
you were having a moment of crisis and I couldn’t allow you to go
through that alone.”

“I appreciate you help…but I am a little confused by your statements.
You speak as if we are more than patient and Doctor.”
“Don’t be confused. I’m an old woman who spent my childhood devouring
18th century literature. Everything has meaning for me, even these
tiny moments now.” She said pulling her shawl around her body. Miranda
Christopher did seem as if she’d walked from some Keats poem. She was
draped in her shawl, scarves, and an ankle length skirt, all shades of
pearl tones that cast an ethereal glow around her. Her dark hair
contrasted warmly with the virginal markings of her outfit, as well as
the European and American roots of her heritage. Her face bore no
makeup; she was beautiful without cheeks powdered in rouge or lips
shining with color. “You study me so closely. Do I fascinate you?” She
queried Marlena politely.

“Yes. I’ve never met a patient who intrigues me as much as you.”

A light laugh escaped Miranda. “I’m sure you’ve been intrigued by many
and also intrigue many yourself.”

“Whenever you speak, it’s as if you speak with some semblance of
knowing. Omnipotent is the word that springs to mind.”

“We’re all connected Dr. Evans. We’ve all crossed paths before. The
Earth is not so big; humanity is not this great mystery. We all have
commonalities that bind us. I speak as if I know you because in some
way I do. And you’re aware of me also. When time or fate collides,
we’ll remember how and why. But all things are revealed in necessary
time.”

Tears welled, emanating from the depth of Marlena’s soulful thirst of
understanding and compassion. She laughed as she wiped her tears
apologetically. “I’m such a mess. It’s hormones I guess…I’m pregnant.”

Miranda’s eyes flashed cheerfully. She smiled extending her arms
across the desk to squeeze Marlena’s hands. “I sensed as much from my
first visit.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You often bring your hands to rest protectively across your lap
or over your stomach.” She noticed Marlena’s flushed cheeks. “It suits
you,” she allowed kindly. “How far are you along?”

“Nearly three months.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you. You’re one of the first people I think I’ve actually told.
My children aren’t even aware.”

“I think we should reschedule this appointment. You look like you
could use the company of the people who love and appreciate you the
most.”

“I think you’re right.” Marlena agreed. “You can reschedule with Chloe.”

“I shall. Please enjoy this time Dr. Evans.” Miranda advised finally
loosening their hands. “If you’ll take advise from an old woman?” She
posed gently, continuing only after Marlena nodded acceptingly, “Tell
your children. You deserve happiness. It’s a woman’s birthright to be
happy.” She said pivoting on her heel to head toward the door.

“Doc.”

Marlena watched Miranda’s steps falter as she slowed her pace toward
the doorway, toward John. Her hand rose to her throat, the shawl
tightened as she threaded it between her fingers shifting the color
from her knuckles.

“I’m sorry for intruding,” John said stepping aside.

Miranda stood motionlessly, staring unapologetically at John.

“Mrs. Christopher.”

John stepped closer to Miranda. “I’m so sorry. I can come back.” He
said looking from Miranda to Marlena.

Miranda clutched her heart, turning to Marlena with glistening eyes.
“He’s beautiful.”

Marlena hurried to Miranda’s side. “This is John.”

“You’re in love,” she said steadying her trembling hand. She leaned
against Marlena who had thrown her hand over her shoulders. “I’m
sorry. You’re just a beautiful couple. I’m Miranda Christopher.” She
said slowly as she took the hand that John offered her. “You have a
wonderful woman here. Cherish her.” She closed her hands over his and
tugged lightly. Without another word she headed hastily out of the
doorway.

“She’s an intriguing patient,” Marlena said resting her chin into
John’s broad shoulders. He pulled her immediately into his arms and
she found the folds of his body comfortably.

“How are you? I didn’t like the way you sounded on the phone. I wanted
to make sure you were safe.”

“With you I’m always safe. Thank you for making sure of that.”

“Don’t thank me…now tell me what happened?” He said gripping her
shoulders between his hands. He pulled her from his arms in order to
see her face.

She took him by the hand and went to the couch. “Roman came to talk
about Sami.” She said putting her hands in her lap. “I told him all of
it. I told him that I wanted to marry you.”

“How did he react?” John asked turning his body toward her.

“Fine. He was upset but…”

“He didn’t.”

“No,” she said quickly. “He didn’t touch me.”

“So why were you crying?”

“Hormones,” she said shrugging. “See, I can’t seem to help myself.”
Tears were already filling her eyes again.

“Are you sure it’s not something deeper?” John inquired covering her
leg with his hand.

“Like what?”

“Sadness over ending it with Roman.”

“Well there is a sense of loss John. I can’t deny that but it’s
everything…the baby. Roman’s paternity suit over Belle. He’s not going
to drop it.”

“Honey, we know the truth.”

“That’s not really the point. I don’t want to subject or any of them
to this. Our affair will be on the cover of every trashy headline.”
She told him wearily. “The children don’t deserve that.”

“Don’t worry. You take care of yourself and my boy…or girl and the
kids and I’ll worry about Roman.”

“John, I can’t do that.”

“You will do that,” he said forcefully, his lips pressed in a tight
line. “Avery will handle it.”

“Oh John, that really puts my mind at ease,” she remarked sardonically.

“Doc.”

“John don’t patronize me. Please do not do that. I’m not going to
pretend that I enjoy the idea of your ex girlfriend handling such a
personal matter.”

“Doc, I understand. Look at me honey.” He said physically taking her
chin into his grip. “It’s over…it was one night.”

“I can live without details John. I can’t live without you. I hate to
admit this but you make me a very jealous woman. I was never good with
sharing – I refuse to do it. Avery can do her job as long as it’s all
she’s doing. We should head home. I need to see my babies’ faces. I
want to tell them about the baby.”

Chapter 37- I Knew Your Distant Devil (NC-17)

“In confession… we open our lives to healing,
Restoring, uplifting grace of him who
Loves us in spite of
What we …”
— Louis Cassels
Toward the evening of the same day, Mira LeMoyne excoriated herself of
Miranda Christopher, of the spurious identity which required an
exaggerated extension of who she unerringly was. She disrobed
Miranda’s ethereal clothing; of the heavy shawl and aristocratic
casing of silk scarves tied neatly into a bow around her neck. By
virtue, Miranda Christopher and Mira LeMoyne existed as a paradigm of
the equanimity of a well-bred woman. They were two parts equaled by
one sad subtraction: Miranda is the woman Mira would have become had
sadness and strife not stricken her into a vigilant gatekeeper over
her past. She arrayed herself in the costume of her aristocratic
heritage to conceal the innate sadness within. The fine threads of
designer clothing masked the pallor of her skin and her thinly defined
body structure. The fullness of her face sunk into a cogent gauntness
well hidden beneath the free-style of her sable colored curls which
framed her face. Under the guise of becoming Miranda Christopher, she
had carefully examined her face; the unlined complexion that prompted
reminders of her own mother; her widely set apart eyes which she’d
inherited from her father. Mira contended that she had permitted grief
to diffuse the spark of her personality. Grief dulled her Romantic
notions of life and beauty. The world showed her the scope of its
indeterminable cruelness. The love of her life, her husband, Emory’s
death had been fate’s first unforgivable blow. She’d never been so
assaulted by such an unnamable assailant. He’d perished when his plane
disappeared over the Atlantic Ocean. No body. No proper burial. No
proper closure. John had been safe then tucked inside her body within
her walls – he never met Emory. Emory never knew the truth about
John’s true parentage.
After John’s disappearance – after rearing him as her constant
companion, pouring every ounce of herself into his spirit, after
expiating the sin of her betrayal of Emory with her gift of mothering
– Mira quietly accepted the second blow. Unfaithfulness and deceit
against Emory – twice- in her mind finally had been answered for. She
lost Emory and John; she also lost herself. Mira was never again as
carefree or optimistic as she’d been before those losses until
Samantha – Marlena as she presently understood – and then Amelia.
Marlena awakened the deadness anchoring her soul; Amelia rejuvenated
her spark. It was impossible to wallow in self-pity with Amelia’s
unquestionable optimism. Amelia opened the door to the woman who Mira
had the ability to become had sadness and guilt not locked her away.
Amelia’s love made Miranda Christopher a viable presence, one which
could operate inconspicuously in Marlena’s presence. Mira had hidden
herself beneath the veneer of Miranda’s regal clothes; but hadn’t her
point been to revive Marlena’s memory of Mira and hopefully Amelia?
Unable to recall the initial plan she formulated after Roman’s
presence at her doorstep had ignited her quest to find and in Roman’s
mind rescue John. She’d known then what Roman’s true intentions were
in finding her, even if he didn’t. He wanted Marlena; John made his
conquest an impossibility. He was her boy; he had her enormous
capacity to adore their loves in an unapologetic devotion. John’s
appearance in Marlena’s office nearly destroyed her. Not because of
sadness or even joy. It was the verity of loving too much. Her love
overwhelmed her. He was so close. He was alive and breathing the air
she shared; he was loving as only her son could. Mira was sure that
she could die from love; that her love for John had suddenly enveloped
her so profoundly that she transcended the moment. Knowing he hadn’t
been lost forever quickened the blood throughout her body, seemingly
paralyzing the coherency of her thoughts. John’s lack of recognition
had pained her. Somehow amnesia in her comprehension should take a
backseat to family bonds. It was a pretentious thought but one Mira
found redemption in; however, John hadn’t recognized her – she held
all of his memories.

Mira dragged an old leather-bound album from the depths of the chest
she’d summoned from New Orleans. The hope chest given to her as a
wedding gift by Emory that she had sealed after John’s disappearance.
She sporadically placed relevant artifacts of her life there over the
years. Amelia conjured up more than a photograph when she’s plundered
through the chest; she opened Pandora’s Box. She clawed the album
timidly as she examined how well it withstood years of avoidance. She
opened the album to the first page: John Christopher LeMoyne blared in
golden calligraphic embroidery. Mira fingered each letter. She’d
started the album after learning that her baby would be a boy. She
chose, with Emory’s permission, to honor her son with her father’s
name. Moisture saturated her eyes. She hadn’t thought about John over
the years as much as she’d done since her arrival in Salem. The
memories had left her cold. Forgetting him, even slightly, had been
better than mourning him everyday. She closed the book. The picture
that Roman showed her upon their first meeting lay on the pillow at
her side. She’d hidden it from Amelia and only looked at it at bedtime
when she was sure Amelia was asleep. Mira drew her legs over the bed
and stood. She grabbed the picture and found herself standing in
Amelia’s doorway.

A nightlight illuminated a warm glow around Amelia’s sleeping frame.
She was such a slender girl with small hands and legs. Her hair was
fanned across the pillow underneath her head. Amelia was tucked into a
ball, lessening her already diminutive body in the bed. Mira climbed
into the bed, snuggling close to Amelia. She put her hand along the
bend of Amelia’s neck as she dipped to kiss her forehead.

“Bah.” Amelia’s sleepy voice impaled the silence.

“It’s me precious.” Mira laid her head on Amelia’s pillow. “Do you
know how much Bah loves you?”

Amelia formed a circle above her chest. “This much.”

“Certainly more than that Amelia. I love you so much that I’m able to
let you go.” She said taking Amelia into her arms. “You’re going to
meet your Mama…”

Amelia shifted her body forward, separating from Mira. “Mama.” She said slowly.

“Mama and Papa. You have a father also Amelia.” Mira told her as she
handed the picture of John and Marlena to her. Amelia studied them
quietly. Mira watched her. Amelia’s face was transfixed in adulation.
She traced each of their profiles carefully. Her eyes darted across
their features keenly. “Marlena … that’s your Mama.”

“I know,” Amelia replied maturely. “Papa?” She asked wrinkling her
nose and furrowing her brows.

“Papa is John precious …he’s my son. He’s my baby boy and you’re my …”

“Granddaughter” Amelia finished for Mira.

“Yes.” She said. She’d missed the connection for six years but it was
as apparent as the color of her hair, the shape of her eyes, and her
fascination with princesses. “I never knew Amelia. I should have
always known but I didn’t.”

“We’re okay Bah.” Amelia reasoned coherently.

Mira pulled Amelia to her chest. “We are precious. Tomorrow you’re
going to meet the people who will love you as much as I have. Your
Papa – John – you’ve made me remember what it was like having your
papa in my life. I thank you for that.”

“Bah don’t be sad,” Amelia said without raising her head from the
heaving of Mira’s chest.

“How do you know I’m sad?”

“I can feel it,” she said clairvoyantly as she lifted her head from
its propinquity to Mira’s chest. In the glow of the dim light, her
face was partially shadowed. The dimness dulled the luster of her
champagne blonde hair. Louisiana sun had naturally enhanced streaks of
gold throughout her crown of curls while browning her skin. “Papa …
he’s always been your son.”

“Yes. You’re Papa has always been my son.”

“You lost him.” She remarked sadly.

“A long time before now someone took him away.”

“Bah,” Amelia said twirling the ends of her hair between two fingers.
“I think I’m scared.”

“We are LeMoyne’s Amelia – we don’t have a spirit of fear. We have the
spirit of love and it’s greater than all the rest. You and Bah are
going to finally have everything God intended for us. I haven’t shared
everything Amelia but tomorrow it’ll be clear. I’ll tell you and your
Mama and Papa about us. I promise to protect you always.” She said
pressing her lips firmly to Amelia’s cheek.

“Will you sleep here with me?” Amelia asked child – like. “I love you Bah.”

“I love you more precious.”

Part II (Chapter 37) 4.6 I Knew Your Distant Devil

“In confession… we open our lives to healing,
Restoring, uplifting grace of him who
Loves us in spite of
What we …”
— Louis Cassels

Marlena was hopeful. She couldn’t contain the joy radiating in her
face; it flushed her cheeks with a warm cherry shade that added to the
natural glow of her skin and the sparkle in her eye. She was ready;
her body was absolutely ready; it was time for confession. She was
awaiting the arrival of the children, all of them-Carrie, Eric, and
Sami- because she had summoned them to the penthouse. How could she
revel in the comfort of a new life if the facets of her old life
weren’t being thoroughly acknowledged? She wanted to share her
happiness with them. John’s hand sliding across her shoulder broke her
thoughtful reverie. She turned and acknowledged his presence with a
quick move toward his mouth.

“It’s tea,” John said handing her a glass mug of steaming brown liquid
that she sipped slowly.

“Thank you honey.” She shrugged her shoulders adorably. She could be
the sexiest and most coy woman in a matter of seconds.

“Are you nervous?”

“I am a little nervous … I’m just not sure of how Sami will react.”
She sipped another mouthful of tea. “I do so worry how our decisions
affect them.”

“Samantha will come around.” He attached his arms around her waist,
locking his hands at the small of her back. He squeezed her body
forward to kiss her lightly on her forehead.

“I hope so.” She said taking a deep breath. The comfort of John’s body
relaxed the small waves of nausea encircling the pit of her stomach.
“I love you.”

“You better.” He told her mockingly. His smile grew boyish and coy.
“Baby I love you too.”

“That’s much better.” She said pouting. “Don’t tease me honey … be gentle.”

“Always,” he said seriously. “I hope you know that Doc. I plan to
continue cherishing you.”

“I do.” She covered his mouth between her lips. He moved his hands
slowly across her back. “Honey?”

“Shh…” he said drawing deeper into her mouth.

“Honey,” she said breaking away. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Baby….don’t think…just kiss.” He pleaded as his hands trekked quickly
to lock her face between them.

“John.” She cried softly. “I’ve been thinking about the baby,” she
muffled into his mouth.

“Now?” He groaned.

“Yes,” Marlena said pulling from his grasp. “Come with me big boy.”

“Doc is this how it’s going to be as this pregnancy progresses,” he
asked following her to the couch. “Will you lose…”

“John you are impossible.” Marlena swatted roughly at his arm before
releasing a smile. “The children will be here soon. We don’t have time
anyway.”

“We always have time.” He raised an eyebrow with great exaggeration.

Marlena rewarded his arm with another blow. “Focus…you won’t be
neglected believe me baby. Now if you could focus on your baby…I’ve
been thinking of names.”

“Okay. A name.”

“You’re enthusiasm is exhausting me.” She said sarcastically.

“Sorry…I just want junior to be healthy. Once he’s out of you then we
can worry about naming him.”

She rolled her eyes slowly as a sigh escaped her mouth. “We should
have a boy and girl’s name prepared.”

“I thought you were so sure that this was a boy.”

“I am but I did think that Belle was a boy also.” She reminded him. “I
just want to be prepared.”

“What are you talking about prepared? It’s a baby honey.”

“You are so impossible sometimes. I hope our children have my
remarkable grace and manners.” She said chuckling.

“I want to savor every moment of this pregnancy including the naming
process…but isn’t it tradition that we see the baby first so that we
can get a feel for his personality?”

“Whose tradition is that?”

“Ours…I’m implementing it.”

“This is a democracy honey. We vote and also compromise.”

“If you let me make love to you tonight sweetheart, I’ll compromise
whatever you want.”

“Honey please be serious,” she begged stifling her amusement.

“I am being serious.”

“What am I going to do with you,” she said falling against his chest.

“I have a few ideas.”
“Not likely,” she said pointing to the door where the chime was
sounding. “Behave yourself in front of the children.” She warned him
quietly as she rose to open the door. Her smile faded with her
confusion as Miranda Christopher’s eyes locked into her on the other
side of the door. Her mouth froze in correlation with her feet. The
deep reserves of memory assailed her concentration; she eyed Miranda
intently and then lowered her gaze to the small blonde holding
securely to Miranda’s hand. The two of them standing so close in
proximity sent an unnatural chill down Marlena’s spine. She gripped
the doorframe to steady herself from her sudden dizziness.

“Honey.” John moved quickly to the door.

“Are you okay?” Mira asked moving closer to Marlena. She reached to
touch Marlena’s chin causing her to flinch back into John’s arms.

“Marlena?” John said her name nervously. He turned her swiftly to face
him, ignoring both older woman and child.

“Bah…what’s wrong with her?” Amelia said making her presence known.
She dropped Mira’s hand and took careful steps toward Marlena and
John. She looked back to see if Mira was watching. When she saw her
grandmother’s eyes glistening with tears she continued confidently
toward the parents she’d never known.

Marlena held Amelia’s gaze as she stopped and looked up towards her.
Warmness encased them both, a hazy field of simply the two of them.
Marlena moved from John’s embrace and knelt to Amelia’s level. A tiny
baby. Peach skin and freckles. Blonde patches of hair. The sense of
loss. These images played rapidly through Marlena’s mind as looked
this child over. Her face was round and healthy. Her curls were loose
and long. Looking into her face nearly caused her to faint when she
saw those eyes: the indigo, oceanic blueness of John’s eyes in the
countenance of this little girl. She smelled the same: pure and
innocent. Marlena lifted her trembling hand to Amelia’s face. “You are
so beautiful. You’ve always been beautiful…but how could I know that?
How can I know…”

Amelia inched closer to Marlena. “You’re my Mama,” she stated simply.

John watched the scene awestruck into silence. His hands were drawn
protectively across his chest. He looked to Mira. He was completely
lost.

“You…you were born in January…January 14th.” Marlena said slowly
allowing the memories to burst open. They were coming blaring out of
her.

“Yes.” Mira said from the background.

“My birthday is January 14th.” Amelia informed her.

“Oh my…I don’t know…”

“Doc?” John said crouching beside her.

Marlena heard John’s voice but the memories were more potent than even
the reality in the room. She kept her eyes focused on the little girl
who watched her. She tried to grab the memories that were scary; it
was those memories that held the tiny face of the little girl standing
in front of her. She felt chilly. Goosebumps lined her arms and raised
the hair along the back of her neck. Closing her eyes, the name
collided with her tongue. “Amelia.” She said feeling tears that she
hadn’t realized were falling down her face.

Amelia nodded.

“You’re Amelia…and I’m your Mama.” She said looking away toward John.
“I don’t know how I could have ever forgotten that…it’s you and her…”
She turned quickly to Mira. “You’re Mira…not Miranda.”

“I am…” Mira said coming closer.

“You’re my little girl.” Marlena said pulling Amelia into her arms.
“You’re my little girl…my sweet baby girl.” She smelled the strawberry
scent of her hair as she nuzzled into the blonde curls. “I’m so sorry
I haven’t been there for you. I’m sorry.”

“Mama, don’t cry.” Amelia consoled her mother with tiny hands rubbing
against Marlena’s back. “You forgot…you were sick.”

“Sick?” Marlena said holding her tighter. “I don’t care. I just didn’t
know that you were…and then I saw you and Mira…together…I saw you
together…and I remember being with Mira at her estate…I remember being
there and wanting so badly to protect you….but I didn’t do that…I left
you…how could I leave you?”

John listened quietly. He was compelled to ask it. He eyed the little
girl enclosed in Marlena’s arms closely. She was nearly six years old.
Could she be? How could she be? How could Marlena have a child that he
didn’t know of?

“Bah said that you loved me. You loved me always.”

“I do…my heart knows that honey. I do. I love you more than I ever
could know. Seeing you here…it’s impossible…isn’t it? To forget my
baby…how could I forget you?”

“That’s not important.” Mira told her. “It’s more important that you
remember her now…she’s ready to have you in her life.”

“I don’t understand all of this. I just know that this is my little
girl. Amelia.” She said rising. She reached for Amelia to lift her
into her arms. She kissed her face all over and pressed her face onto
her shoulder. “I’m never going to let you go again. I promise baby.
Mama will never let you go.”

“Mama…is that Papa?” Amelia asked from the safety of Marlena’s shoulder.

Mira came to Marlena’s side. “You don’t remember it all do you?”

Marlena shook her head. She didn’t remember anything beyond the fact
that the little girl in her arms was her baby that she’d given birth
to. She kissed Amelia’s hair. “Nothing concrete…I see flashes of
having Amelia…and being with you at the estate…but I can’t grab onto
them.”

“You said your name was Samantha.” Mira reminded her as she laid her
hand on Amelia’s back. “You came in the dead of night, wet and
afraid…so afraid of something. I never quite understood what.”

“Samantha?” Marlena repeated curiously. “I said I was Sam.”

“Yes precious…and you were pregnant. You made me swear to protect you
and the baby. I didn’t have the heart to call the police…I just
assumed you were running from your husband.”

John stood finally. He’d listened long enough. “What are you talking
about?” He asked Mira suspiciously. “Marlena told you her name was
Samantha?”

“She believed it.” Mira said deferring demurely to John. She didn’t
give to gazing at John as she had done in Marlena’s office. She was
going to give them their story slowly. Piece by intricate piece.

“Wait…just let me have this moment first. I’ve got her back.” She said
with a warm smile. “I don’t want to discuss anything right now.”

“Doc…I don’t know if I trust this…”

“John. She’s my daughter. I trust that.”

“Well who is her father?” He said louder than he intended to.
“Papa.” Amelia said hopefully. “You’re my Papa.”

Marlena searched all three faces. Their was some distinct marker in
each of their faces that caused her to take a deep breath. “Baby, how
do you know that he’s your Papa?”

“Bah’s his Mama.” Amelia said into her mother’s shoulder. “Papa is my
Papa and Bah is Papa’s Mama…just like you are my Mama.”

Marlena sighed in frustration. “I don’t know…” she said with tears. “I
don’t remember.”

Chapter 38 (NC-17)

“Not likely,” she said pointing to the door where the chime was
sounding. “Behave yourself in front of the children.” She warned him
quietly as she rose to open the door. Her smile faded with her
confusion as Miranda Christopher’s eyes locked into her on the other
side of the door. Her mouth froze in correlation with her feet. The
deep reserves of memory assailed her concentration; she eyed Miranda
intently and then lowered her gaze to the small blonde holding
securely to Miranda’s hand. The two of them standing so close in
proximity sent an unnatural chill down Marlena’s spine. She gripped
the doorframe to steady herself from her sudden dizziness.

“Honey.” John moved quickly to the door.

“Are you okay?” Mira asked moving closer to Marlena. She reached to
touch Marlena’s chin causing her to flinch back into John’s arms.

“Marlena?” John said her name nervously. He turned her swiftly to face
him, ignoring both older woman and child.

“Bah…what’s wrong with her?” Amelia said making her presence known.
She dropped Mira’s hand and took careful steps toward Marlena and
John. She looked back to see if Mira was watching. When she saw her
grandmother’s eyes glistening with tears she continued confidently
toward the parents she’d never known.

Marlena held Amelia’s gaze as she stopped and looked up towards her.
Warmness encased them both, a hazy field of simply the two of them.
Marlena moved from John’s embrace and knelt to Amelia’s level. A tiny
baby. Peach skin and freckles. Blonde patches of hair. The sense of
loss. These images played rapidly through Marlena’s mind as looked
this child over. Her face was round and healthy. Her curls were loose
and long. Looking into her face nearly caused her to faint when she
saw those eyes: the indigo, oceanic blueness of John’s eyes in the
countenance of this little girl. She smelled the same: pure and
innocent. Marlena lifted her trembling hand to Amelia’s face. “You are
so beautiful. You’ve always been beautiful…but how could I know that?
How can I know…”

Amelia inched closer to Marlena. “You’re my Mama,” she stated simply.

John watched the scene awestruck into silence. His hands were drawn
protectively across his chest. He looked to Mira. He was completely
lost.

“You…you were born in January…January 14th.” Marlena said slowly
allowing the memories to burst open. They were coming blaring out of
her.

“Yes.” Mira said from the background.

“My birthday is January 14th.” Amelia informed her.

“Oh my…I don’t know…”

“Doc?” John said crouching beside her.

Marlena heard John’s voice but the memories were more potent than even
the reality in the room. She kept her eyes focused on the little girl
who watched her. She tried to grab the memories that were scary; it
was those memories that held the tiny face of the little girl standing
in front of her. She felt chilly. Goosebumps lined her arms and raised
the hair along the back of her neck. Closing her eyes, the name
collided with her tongue. “Amelia.” She said feeling tears that she
hadn’t realized were falling down her face.

Amelia nodded.

“You’re Amelia…and I’m your Mama.” She said looking away toward John.
“I don’t know how I could have ever forgotten that…it’s you and her…”
She turned quickly to Mira. “You’re Mira…not Miranda.”

“I am…” Mira said coming closer.

“You’re my little girl.” Marlena said pulling Amelia into her arms.
“You’re my little girl…my sweet baby girl.” She smelled the strawberry
scent of her hair as she nuzzled into the blonde curls. “I’m so sorry
I haven’t been there for you. I’m sorry.”

“Mama, don’t cry.” Amelia consoled her mother with tiny hands rubbing
against Marlena’s back. “You forgot…you were sick.”

“Sick?” Marlena said holding her tighter. “I don’t care. I just didn’t
know that you were…and then I saw you and Mira…together…I saw you
together…and I remember being with Mira at her estate…I remember being
there and wanting so badly to protect you….but I didn’t do that…I left
you…how could I leave you?”

John listened quietly. He was compelled to ask it. He eyed the little
girl enclosed in Marlena’s arms closely. She was nearly six years old.
Could she be? How could she be? How could Marlena have a child that he
didn’t know of?

“Bah said that you loved me. You loved me always.”

“I do…my heart knows that honey. I do. I love you more than I ever
could know. Seeing you here…it’s impossible…isn’t it? To forget my
baby…how could I forget you?”

“That’s not important.” Mira told her. “It’s more important that you
remember her now…she’s ready to have you in her life.”

“I don’t understand all of this. I just know that this is my little
girl. Amelia.” She said rising. She reached for Amelia to lift her
into her arms. She kissed her face all over and pressed her face onto
her shoulder. “I’m never going to let you go again. I promise baby.
Mama will never let you go.”

“Mama…is that Papa?” Amelia asked from the safety of Marlena’s shoulder.

Mira came to Marlena’s side. “You don’t remember it all do you?”

Marlena shook her head. She didn’t remember anything beyond the fact
that the little girl in her arms was her baby that she’d given birth
to. She kissed Amelia’s hair. “Nothing concrete…I see flashes of
having Amelia…and being with you at the estate…but I can’t grab onto
them.”

“You said your name was Samantha.” Mira reminded her as she laid her
hand on Amelia’s back. “You came in the dead of night, wet and
afraid…so afraid of something. I never quite understood what.”

“Samantha?” Marlena repeated curiously. “I said I was Sam.”

“Yes precious…and you were pregnant. You made me swear to protect you
and the baby. I didn’t have the heart to call the police…I just
assumed you were running from your husband.”

John stood finally. He’d listened long enough. “What are you talking
about?” He asked Mira suspiciously. “Marlena told you her name was
Samantha?”

“She believed it.” Mira said deferring demurely to John. She didn’t
give to gazing at John as she had done in Marlena’s office. She was
going to give them their story slowly. Piece by intricate piece.

“Wait…just let me have this moment first. I’ve got her back.” She said
with a warm smile. “I don’t want to discuss anything right now.”

“Doc…I don’t know if I trust this…”

“John. She’s my daughter. I trust that.”

“Well who is her father?” He said louder than he intended to.
“Papa.” Amelia said hopefully. “You’re my Papa.”

Marlena searched all three faces. Their was some distinct marker in
each of their faces that caused her to take a deep breath. “Baby, how
do you know that he’s your Papa?”

“Bah’s his Mama.” Amelia said into her mother’s shoulder. “Papa is my
Papa and Bah is Papa’s Mama…just like you are my Mama.”

Marlena sighed in frustration. “I don’t know…” she said with tears. “I
don’t remember”

Mira looked across the room at Sami. The young girl was heart
wrenchingly bitter, too young to feel such contempt. Mira directed her
next statement to Sami. It dawned on her. Samantha. “When I met your
mother, she said her name was Samantha…I assume that had a lot to do
with you precious.”

“How do you know? You don’t my mother.”

“No darling…I don’t. I knew Samantha…you are Samantha, correct?”

“It’s not important,” Marlena discouraged her.

“Everything is important.” Mira reminded her. “You didn’t choose to go
under that name because it meant nothing to you.”

“No but I could have been having an episode of disassociating myself
from the pain.”

“I’m not certain of anything Marlena…it’s still hard to call you that.
I’m sure it strikes you as strange to see me sitting here…speaking to
you as if we’ve been friends always.”

“In a way I feel that we have been friends. You’ve taken wonderful
care of her…maybe that’s how I could leave her there.”

John interrupted their conversation. “When did you leave her there?
When did you go to Louisiana?”

“1987.” Marlena and Mira answered simultaneously.”

“After you disappeared. When we thought you were dead…you were in
Louisiana with her.” John asked incredulously.

Marlena shrugged and looked to Mira again.

“It was 1987. She was already pregnant with Amelia.” Amelia responded
to her name by turning toward her mother. The hint of a smile shadowed
her lips.

Marlena turned to John. “I was married to you.”

“I didn’t know that then. You didn’t share much beyond your name.”
Mira said watching the connection between John and Marlena; the
wordless bridge of love that poured from him to her. He was finally
getting it. “You said you were Samantha…no last name or family. And
you didn’t want anyone to find you. I did think of calling the police
until I saw the bruises on your back and wrists.”

“Bruises?” John said.

“Yes. She didn’t look very healthy. In fact, I was worried for the
state of the baby…it was only after the bruises that I decided to
help. You were very weak and withdrawn. You kept mostly to the bed in
the first weeks that you were there. But eventually we became fast
friends…you were the daughter I never had,” Mira said remembering the
time with warmness.” You were the daughter I wished I had and the
thought of a new life made me a very selfish woman. I wanted you to
stay…I didn’t care who you were. I prayed for it especially Amelia’s
birth.”

John was listening closely to Mira’s words but his focus shifted to
the little girl cradled against her chest. When she noticed the
attention her face brightened. She flashed him a smile that mirrored
her mothers.

“How did I leave her?”

“In the middle of the night. I didn’t know what happened to you. No
explanation or note.”

“Oh my…I’m so sorry for that.” Marlena said sadly to Mira and Amelia.

“Baby, it’s okay.” John told her. “I’m not sure what this all means
yet but I know it’s not your fault.”

“I don’t remember those things. It’s strange but seeing Amelia and
Mira triggered something to unblock the memory of them. I can remember
Amelia as a baby…what little time I had with her but I don’t remember
leaving her or coming to you Mira.”

“You saved my life,” Mira said taking John and Marlena’s attention
hold. “Without you and Amelia everything would be so dark, maybe as
dark as the sadness you feel now. I lost too…” Mira said standing and
kneeling in front of John. She covered his knees with her hands. “I
lost you.”
John was hesitant to speak.

“Amelia is your child…and she is my granddaughter because I am your Mama.”

“What?” They spoke in a collective voice.

“You’re my Papa,” Amelia told him leaning her body into Mira’s.

“It’s true.”

“It can’t be true.” John said slowly. “I have no past, no family. Stefano…”

“Precious, it’s because of Stefano that I lost you.”

“You couldn’t be who you say you are.” John told her. “Do you have proof?”

“Do you need proof that Amelia is your daughter?”

John shifted his eyes toward Marlena. “Yes I need proof.”

“I don’t.” Marlena said shaking her head.

“Come on Doc, its Stefano. This is too coincidental.”

“John.”

“Doc, you know his mo. This fits his style perfectly.”

Carrie piped up, “Daddy what if it’s true? She does look like Mom…she
even has your eyes.”

“No.” John said dismissively. “It’s not true. I don’t know what
pleasure you are getting from this but it’s a sick game and I’m not
subjecting my family to this anymore.”

“John…please.” Marlena pleaded.

“No.” He said helping Mira to her feet. “This is too much for me.”

“Where are you going?” Marlena asked watching him move toward the
door. “This isn’t finished. You can’t run from it.”

“I’m not running. I’m don’t believe this.” He said closing the door behind him.

“I’m sorry.” Marlena said. She looked around the room. Her children
watched with such expectancy.

“Mama, is Papa angry with me?”

“No.” She said moving closer to Amelia and the other children. “He’s
confused…and he’s also a little scared. It’ll be okay. This will all
be okay.”

Mira was frozen at Amelia’s side. She reached and stroked the blonde
waves of hair. “It’s me Papa’s angry with precious. Your Mama’s right.
It will all right. Do you believe me?”

“Yes. I always believe you.”

“I know you do.”

Marlena’s eyes moistened at the closeness between Mira and Amelia.
“Children, I didn’t call you here for this.” She said. “I’m glad you
were here though. I wanted to talk to you about the future.”

“Shouldn’t Daddy be here for this?” Carrie asked quietly.

“Baby, I don’t know where he went. This is too important to me.”

“Mom, Carrie told me about Belle.” Eric confessed.

“Sorry,” Carrie said blushing.

“It’s okay.”

“What’s okay?” Sami asked. “What about Belle?”

Marlena took a deep breath. The words burned her throat. “Well it’s
more than just Belle guys. I’m having another baby.” She rambled.
“It’s not Roman’s baby…this baby that I’m carrying is John’s…and Belle
is John’s baby too.”

Sami protested her declaration loudly. “You’re a liar. You couldn’t be
that big of a slut.”

“Geez Sam…” Eric said glaring at his twin. “Aren’t you going a little too far?”

“I’m not the one taking this too far. How much can you hurt my Daddy?
He’ll never survive this. He wants you back…I don’t know why. You
don’t love him and you never deserved him.” Sami blasted.

“Sami I understand that you’re angry but I don’t want to hear that
kind of talk from your mouth. I am still your mother.”

“I don’t give a damn who you are. You don’t act like a mom. I don’t
know moms that have other man’s kids and pass them off as their
husbands. Do you think that’s normal? You slept with John while you
were married to daddy? How could you do that?”

“There are things that you don’t understand honey.”

“What? I’m not a child mother. I know about these things.”

Mira spoke up, “Samantha, of all things you must always do…respect your mother.”

Sami lowered her voice, “How can I respect someone that doesn’t
respect herself? She is a slut. My father is right about her. I don’t
want to be in this family…I hate this family.” She said tearing her
hand away from Eric’s. “You can have it kid.” She told Amelia. “Good
luck.” Sami followed John’s path to the door.

“Honey, wait.” Marlena followed her to the elevator. “Baby, listen to
me. I didn’t mean to hurt you…I never wanted that. I love you.”

Sami stood, back turned without a word.

“Sami.” Marlena cried turning her forcefully by her shoulder.

“Don’t touch me. I don’t want to see your face again.”

“Well your going to see my face…I’m never going to stop being your mother.”

“You already did…when you chose to sleep with John and have his baby.
There’s no room for us here. You have 3 babies with him…where do you
think Roman’s kids fit in?” She said lowering her head.

“Here.” Marlena said covering her heart. “You’ll always be right here.
I don’t love John’s children any more than I love you and Carrie or
Eric. I love you all so much. I wish you knew how much.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want you in my life anymore.” She rushed into
the opening elevator doors.

“Wait…how will you get home?”

“Don’t worry about me anymore. You have enough kids to worry about don’t you?”

Chapter 39- When I need you

“Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard.”
–Anne Sexton
He listened to the sound of water rippling around the dock of the
pier. Shadows loomed in the misty grey air, causing him to shiver
uncontrollably. He jammed his hands into his jacket pocket after
turning the collar of his leather coat into a cold barrier. The wind
whistled as he stalked toward the end of the dock. He enjoyed the
calmness of the empty air. The chaos at the penthouse had exhausted
him beyond physical means; He was tired from all the thinking that
he’d done since storming out of the penthouse. Doc would be upset with
him. He’d left her to deal with one of the greatest challenges of
their lives together but he wasn’t ready to deal with the challenge.
They were all so wounded by a pain as palpable as a physical blow. It
hadn’t been so long ago that he’d been on the same pier with the pain
of loss confounding him. And then she’d crept out of the shadows and
called him. He turned around. Blonde hair lapped in the wind. Wounded
eyes. He searched the shadows carefully. She was as graceful as
Marlena. Her hands rose to wipe tears from her face, dipping into the
thin slither of light, she looked up and spotted him.

“Don’t go…” he pleaded reaching out for her, “Sami.”

She didn’t move toward him immediately; instead she took careful steps
from the shadows.

“What are you doing out here Peanut?” He said closing the gap between them.

“Don’t call me that…my father calls me that.” Sami said stopping her
pace. “You’re not my father.”

“No… but I am your Daddy. I’ve always been your Daddy.” He spoke
without the edginess that Sami’s voice held. He knew deep down that
she still loved him as much as he loved her. “It hasn’t been that long
since you called me Daddy.”

Sami cast her gaze to the moon’s reflection over the water. “I’m too
old now…too much has happened. I love Roman now.” Her voice had lost
the innocence of childhood and been replaced with rawness and anger.

“I’m not asking you not to love Roman,” John told her compassionately,
“can’t you love us both?”

“I’m not my mother,” Sami quipped harshly. “I can’t believe she’s done this…”

“Samantha,” he cupped her shoulder as he stepped closer. “I’ll never
stop loving you little girl. Never. This is confusing as hell for all
of us… and I hate that you kids are being dragged through the mud but
I love your mother. Don’t you at least understand that? I’m not
willing to live without her in my life.”

“I don’t want to hear this,” Sami said covering her ears. “This is
sick. You’re not supposed to have these kinds of conversations with
kids.”

“You’re not a kid anymore. You know what’s going on here? You know how
much I love your mother… you also understand that she doesn’t love
your father anymore.”

“Because of you,” She told John locking eyes with him.
“It seems to have quieted down a little,” Marlena said tipping her
head back toward the kitchen where Carrie and Eric had taken Amelia.
“I hope she’ll be all right…I mean I hope that she’s comfortable with
Eric and Carrie. She seems a little frightened.”

“We all are…”

Marlena hunched her shoulders and leaned into the couch cushions.
“It’s almost too much to handle, especially for a little girl.”

“Amelia is not your typical little girl Marlena. She’s tough.”

“She’s still a little girl.”

“That she is.” Mira said with a knowing smile. “But she’s also my
granddaughter.”

Marlena craned her neck slightly catching the assertiveness of Mira’s
words. “I’d almost forgotten about that. With everything else…I’d
forgotten about you and John.”

“I wish I could have forgotten. After all these years to know he’s
alive and realize that I lost so much time with him. It breaks my
heart. I loved that boy since the moment I carried him in my body.
Like you’re carrying his baby here.” Mira leaned across the pillows to
rest her hand on Marlena’s protruding belly. “I’m so happy to know
he’s had your love all of these years. He’s needed someone like you to
love him.”

Marlena’s cheeks reddened. “I do love him… I’ve always love him but I
haven’t always loved him correctly. It’s taken some time to get here.”

“You’re referring to Roman?” Mira asked without hesitation.

“Yes,” Marlena answered, mentally rehashing Mira’s question. “How do
you know Roman?”

“My dear, Roman found me in Louisiana some months back. He brought me
here to Salem to meet John.”

“Roman?” She said creasing her forehead in confusion. “How could Roman
know about you?”

“He’s a cop.” Mira reminded her.

“He knew about you and he didn’t say anything?” She watched Mira
noiselessly for an unbearably silent moment. “And Amelia?”

“He knows of Amelia.”

“He couldn’t…he couldn’t be so cruel.”

“Marlena, he wasn’t being cruel…I think he wanted to rid John from
your life. I can see why. I’ve been observing you all since I came to
Salem.”

“You’ve been watching us?”

“Not exactly watching Marlena but your relationship is very
interesting to Salemites. It’s common knowledge… the relationship that
you and John have.”

She blushed uncontrollably again.

“Darling, it’s impossible to hide. You’re having his second love
child…third,” she said still holding Marlena’s stomach. “This is an
everlasting love between you two. And I’d be appreciative to be apart
of this family. I love that little girl in there. I’ve raised her for
six years. I can’t just walk away. Even if John never accepts me…I
can’t lose her and this child too.”

Marlena settled her folded hands across Mira’s lap. “I’d never keep
you away from your grandchildren. I don’t agree with John. I know
you’re his mother… just like I know I am Amelia’s mother. I want to
give you every year of John’s life that you missed… if I could because
I appreciate what you did for my baby and me. You protected her when I
couldn’t. I’ll always love you for that.”

“You’re such a wonderful person Marlena. Truly a class act… and one
day when the time is right, I’ll share with you the secrets of John’s
life…the life I gave him. But for now you must have time with Amelia.”

“I will. She’s not going anywhere. I refuse to let her out of my sight.”

“Do you think that’s a wise decision?”

“We love each other.” John stated plainly. “I am tired of apologizing for that.”

“But she used to love my father. She would still love my father if you
weren’t here.”

“Really Sami? Why is it so hard for you to understand that if we could
help it then we wouldn’t be in this situation? I can’t live without
her.” He said in anguish. “She’s having my baby.”

“She had my father’s babies too.”

“Peanut look at me,” he said clutching her chin. “Look at me. This is
what life is. It’s what it deals you. I didn’t ask to be your father.
That decision was made for me but I can’t go back and unlove you as
much as you want me too. I can’t do that to our relationship… I know
you loved me at one time.”

“I was a little kid.”

“The cutest little kid I’d ever seen… you and Eric toddling around Doc
and me in diapers. When I came home as Roman, you were the first baby
I’d ever remember holding. You were so sweet. You latched onto me and
never let go. Never.”

“D..John…please don’t take Mama away from Daddy.”

“It’s not my choice Peanut. Why do you hate me so much?”

Sami pulled away. “I don’t,” she said turning her back to John. “I
don’t hate you at all.”

“Why the tough girl act whenever I’m around?”

“We’re not allowed to love you… it’s wrong. Daddy says it’s wrong.”

“Samantha your father doesn’t know everything.”

“John… why can’t it be the way it was?” She turned and a glimmer of
his little girl sparkled in her eyes. She curled her lip, like
Marlena, twisted her mouth and scrunched her nose. John reached and
stroked the length of her blonde mane. He was gentle and careful not
to upset the moment. Sami’s lip quivered in the coldness.
Unexpectedly, she lunged forward and collapsed in John’s arms. She
smelled of peach flavored shampoo and another familiar scent that
caused him to inhale deeply. Marlena’s perfume. She was wearing it. He
squeezed and nuzzled Sami against his chest.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know.”

“Is that little girl my sister?”

John continued stroking her hair. “I don’t know peanut.”

“Is that woman your mother? Will you live where she lives?” Her voice
sounded terrified.

“I’m not going anywhere…do you want me to leave?”

She shook her head quickly.

“We’re going to settle this. I know we’ve been saying that for
months…but Doc and I are going to have this work out. I want you to be
apart of it. I want you to love you like I used to. You can have Roman
but I want you too. I love you as much as I love the others…Brady or
Belle.”

Sami looked into his eyes from beneath his chin. “Daddy…I love you.”
She didn’t hold anything back. Tears fell naturally down her cheeks
and John swept his thumb across her cheek to stop them.

“I love you too Peanut. I’m sorry I stormed out of the penthouse.”

“I did the same thing. I couldn’t take it. I don’t want to be upset
about this anymore. I want to be happy for you and Mommy. I just don’t
want Roman to be upset with me.”

“I can’t speak for him but I’ll speak for your mother….she loves you
and your brother and sisters. She would do anything to make this all
right for you if she could. But Sami, you have to understand that your
mother has to live her life just as you have to live yours…and
eventually Roman will understand that too.”

“Tell Mommy I’m sorry,” Sami said sobbing uncontrollably. “Will you
tell her for me?”

“I will but I think she would rather hear it from you.”

Sami shook her head, “Nope. I have to go…back to Jamie’s. I’ll stay
there tonight…and I’ll call in the morning.”

“I’ll take you,” John offered.

“No,” Sami said nervously. She lowered her eyes to the water. “Don’t
worry about me. I’m sorry.”

“I love you Peanut.” John squeezed his daughter tightly in his
embrace. He kissed the top of her head gently. “Tomorrow, I want you
to call your mother and talk to her. Will you do that for me?”

She bit into her lip, “I don’t know. I need some space. I’ll call.”
She promised leaning forward on her toes to kiss John’s cheek. She
turned and started to walk away.

“Sami.”

“I’ll call,” Sami said over her shoulder as she scurried away. “I’m
sorry…tell Mommy that for me.” She added as she disappeared into the
shadows.
Amelia pranced lightly into the room with Carrie at her side. She was
commanding her brother’s attention with the regality of her manners
and speech patterns. She was no novice at charming. It was all for one
reason, only one that she didn’t clearly understand herself, she
wanted them to like her. Eric followed his sisters protectively from
the kitchen with a tray of milk and cookies for Amelia. He set the
tray down in front of Marlena and Mira and knelt beside Amelia.

“Will that be all?” He asked charmingly with a genial smile.

Amelia nodded and pressed her small hand to his shoulder, “Thank you Omri.”

Mira chuckled lightly at Amelia’s persuasive personality. Omri, one of
her many fabled friends over time. Imagination and Louisiana culture
had given Amelia a powerfully vivid vision of life.

“No, thank you Princess.” Eric said kissing his little sister’s hand.
“The Princess has decided that I shall be called Omri…I like it Mom.
You should consider changing my name…what do you think Care?”

“It’s a beautiful name…not as beautiful as Amelia but almost.” Carrie
lifted Amelia into her lap when she sat on the chaise. “She’s a
wonderful little girl.” Carrie told Mira.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you.” Amelia repeated snuggling into Carrie’s arms. She looked
up and saw her mother’s intense gaze and turned away. She looked
toward the door. “Where is Papa?”

“Baby, I don’t know.” Marlena answered anxiously.

“Did I make him go away?”

“No…no baby…your daddy….papa needs time to think, that’s all. It’s not
you that he’s mad at.” Marlena stammered over herself anxiously. “I
was thinking Amelia…about where you’ll sleep tonight.”

“I’m not sleepy.” Amelia told her politely.

“You will be.” Carrie said aiding the transition. She remembered being
the little girl casts into a room of adults she hadn’t known. “There
are beautiful rooms here…pretty enough for princesses.” Her voice
quipped prettily and engaging. It caught Amelia’s attention.

“Do you live here?”

“No. I live with my father.”

“You’re not my sister.”

“Well…I’m Eric’s sister…and”

“Yes,” Marlena interrupted, “you two are sisters. Carrie’s my daughter
too but she doesn’t live here. Papa and I live here with Eric and the
babies. The babies…” She forgotten all about Belle’s feeding time in
the chaos. She hadn’t heard Brady or Belle’s in more than a couple
hours. “I completely forgot about Belle and Brady. They’re upstairs
with their nanny Chelsea,” Marlena told Mira. “Would you like to meet
them?”

“Of course…my grandchildren…I would.” Mira clutched her heart
sentimentally. She took Marlena’s proffered hand and stood beside her.
“Amelia would you like to meet your brother and sister?”

“Come on Amelia, I’ll carry you up.” Carried offered following Marlena
and Mira to the nursery.

Marlena reached for Belle immediately when she entered the room where
Chelsea was rocking her in a chair. Chelsea left them to their
privacy. Brady lay peacefully asleep, unaware in his bed with his
thumb pressed against the roof of his mouth. “Hi baby girl…Mama’s been
so busy I forgot about you.” She kissed Belle’s open, wet mouth. Her
finagled words came adorably through her juicy lips. “Baby I want you
to meet someone. This is Isabella.” She handed Belle to Mira.

“My word Marlena. They are all miniature versions of you. She’s beautiful.”

“I saw her.” Amelia said from Carrie’s arms.

“Do you want to meet her again?” Marlena asked hopefully.

Amelia shook her head negatively. Her hands clasped around Carrie’s
shoulders and her head dropped to her chest.

“Are you tired honey?”
“No.”

“Okay…” Marlena said kneeling beside Brady’s toddler race car bed.
“Mira this is Brady…John’s little boy…our little boy.” She said
touching his head softly. She kissed him and rose to Carrie’s height.
“Will you come to Mama?” She asked Amelia.

Amelia seemed unsure of the transition. She stayed close to Carrie who
leaned forward to hand her off to Marlena. “It’s all right Amelia.”
Carrie assured her. Amelia’s arms fell limp at her sides.

“Honey, are you okay?” Marlena asked. “You can tell me anything.”

Amelia looked over to Mira, who was cooing happily in Belle’s giggling
face. She looked at Brady sleeping in his bed, at Carrie standing
beside Marlena. “I don’t belong here. Papa doesn’t want me here.” She
said unremorsefully.

Mira crossed the short distance to Amelia and Marlena. “Honey, your
Papa will love you. He already does. He just doesn’t know it yet. But
your Mama is here and she wants to love you.”

“I do. I want you to let me love you like you let Bah love you.”
Marlena offered. “I know it’s all new and scary to you. It’s scary for
all of us but I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Your Papa
will come home and he’ll love you. He loves you now.”

“No.” Amelia said defiantly. “I want to go back.” She said to Mira.

“No,” Marlena said more forcefully than she intended. “You belong here
with us.” She said softening her voice. She pulled Amelia’s resistant
body to her own. Where was he? “Honey, I love you. I don’t want to
lose you again.”

“Bah.”

“Amelia it’s okay.” Mira assured her. She handed Belle to Carrie and
took Amelia from Marlena. “Oh precious, you’re getting too heavy for
Bah to carry all over.” She said sitting in the rocking chair. “Now,
we’ve had this talk a million times over. You’re never going to be
without me. I’m never going to leave you. You know that…but I want you
to give them a chance to love you.”

Amelia’s lip quivered as tears burst from her eyes. “I’m scared and I
want to go home.”

“She can’t.” Marlena said defiantly. “I can’t let her go again. It’s too soon.”

“This isn’t helping her,” Mira told Marlena. “She’s not ready. Maybe
we’re expecting too much from her.”

“You can stay here too.” Marlena offered quickly. “We have guestroom.”

“I wouldn’t keep her from you.” Mira said searching Marlena’s
desperate face. “I’ll take her back to the hotel. She just needs to
get used to you.”

“No. I don’t want her to leave again.” Marlena said on the brink of
tears herself. “I just don’t want to lose her. I just got her back.”

“Marlena…precious this little girl isn’t going anywhere. We’ll come
back tomorrow.”

“Amelia,” Marlena said kneeling in front of her. “You believe I love
you don’t you?”

Amelia acknowledged her with a slight nod of her head.

“Soon, you’ll be here with me and Papa.” She kissed her daughter’s
face softly and fled the room before she lost her composure.

Carrie and Mira exchanged worried glances while Amelia tucked her head
underneath Mira’s chin. She eyed Belle suspiciously; she shot Brady
another indifferent glance. They belonged.

John walked into the dimly lit penthouse after midnight. He dropped
his keys on the table near the door and took the steps two at a time
towards the bedroom. She was there, tucked into a ball on her side of
the bed. He crept to her side of the bed and leaned over to kiss her
head.

“Don’t touch me…I’m so angry with you I can’t see straight.” She said
untucking herself. She sat up and leaned against the headboard. “Where
the hell have you been all night?”

“Doc.”

“Doc my ass John…don’t patronize me. You left me…and our children to
deal with the mess. That was a coward’s move. I never thought I’d see
you being such a coward. She’s gone…and if she doesn’t come back
I’ll never forgive you. Do you understand me? I’ll never forgive you.”

He stood flabbergasted by her anger and sadness. He reached for her
and she resisted. She grabbed her robe from the end of the bed and
tore past John. “Where are you going?”

“Leave me alone.” She said slamming the door shut behind her.

Chapter 40

“Some say we are responsible for those we love.
Others know we are responsible for those who love us.” –Nikki Giovanni

John padded heavily toward Belle’s nursery; the pierce of her cry
shattered the stillness of the penthouse. His daughter’s crying
carried a wounded tenacity that sent an electric tinge down the curve
of his spine as he made his way into the darkened bedroom. He stepped
into the bedroom, “Belle …you’re daddy’s here.” Their eyes–fire and
ice–met immediately.

Marlena moved into the gentle light streaming from Belle’s nightlight.
The roundness of her belly cast a shadow on the wall as she turned to
lift Belle from the crib. Belle settled at her touch; her round face
sparkled in the glow around Marlena.

He reached to touch her shoulder, “Doc?”

“Not now,” she whispered stepping back to sit down in the rocking
chair beside the window pane. She inched Belle up her chest, placing
her on top of her protruding belly. “Mama’s here,” she cajoled softly,
“Mama’s here.”

“What’s wrong with her?” He asked kneeling in front of Marlena.

Marlena ignored the inquiry. “My sweet baby girl,” she murmured,
closing her eyes. She flinched when he reached to cover the hand she
was moving across Belle’s back. “John… I can handle this.”

Dejected, he withdrew his hand and moved to sit on the window sill
beside the rocking chair. “Where’s Brady?” he said noticing Brady’s
empty bed.

She shook her head incredulously, holding Belle’s body against, her
reminding her of Amelia’s absence. She caught his unsteady gaze,
“You’re not going to ask about her, are you?”

He lowered his eyes to their daughter peering helplessly form
Marlena’s arms. “Doc, I’ve told you…”

“John, I’ve told you… she’s our daughter. Her name is Amelia and I
gave birth to her.” Her perfectly manicured fingers continued to
circle Belle’s back slowly. Her voice was shaky, “I can’t believe you
can’t see that—that you don’t believe that.”

“Baby I’m sorry but…”

“She’s gone,” she interrupted him. “She’s afraid to be here… she
doesn’t believe we want her here,” Marlena said sarcastically. “Maybe
she gets that from you,” she said rising from the chair.

“I don’t trust it Marlena.” He said apologetically.

“Trust me… isn’t that what you’ve been telling me?”

“I do trust you baby. I trust you with my life but I don’t trust it.
This woman comes out of creation with a story of being my mother and
that she’s raised our child this entire time… it’s ludicrous.”

Sighing, she turned around and faced him angrily. “It, she’s not some
abstract thing John. She is a little girl named Amelia and she is your
little girl,” She cried, startling Belle.

“Honey, you need rest and so does Belle. We’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll take Belle.”

Her grip on Belle tightened, “don’t dismiss me John, I find it
insulting.” She swallowed hard, “If she doesn’t come home, I’ll never
forgive you.”

“Doc, come on.”

“John, I can’t talk to you right now.” She steeled herself against
John’s glare and hurried from the close quarters of the nursery with
Belle still tucked in her arms. She wanted her so close. She wanted
all of her babies. Amelia. Sami. Eric. Carrie. Belle. The baby growing
inside her.

He followed her; He would always follow her. “John, I don’t want to do
this with you. I don’t want to look at you right now.” Marlena said
standing in the doorway of their bedroom. “I’m sad and angry… and I
want to be that. I don’t want you to try and change my mind or make me
see the logic of the situation.”

“Doc?”

“Go…please.” She told him, closing the door with him on the other side.

)

“You’ve been quiet since we came from your Mama and Papa’s Amelia,”
Mira said breaking the reverie of Amelia’s thoughts. “I think we
should talk.”

Amelia shook her head defiantly.

“You’d rather sit and sulk?”

Another persistent nod from the tow-headed Princess; she sat
Indian-style in the floor of her suite with a picture of them in her
hand, a gift from her new sister Carrie.

“That’s a beautiful picture honey.”

She nodded again.

“Well, you don’t want to talk. I can talk for the both of us.” Mira
sat across from her on the floor. She brought her knees to rest at her
chest and hugged her legs. “This didn’t go like we wanted it go…but
baby it’s not too bad. Your Mama loves you so much,” she said
fingering Amelia’s picture, “and your Papa needs time for both of us.
He’s afraid… he’s afraid just like you.”

“I’m not afraid.” Amelia retorted unexpectedly.

Mira grinned at Amelia’s stubbornness. She was so much like her Papa.
“Bella, honey, it’s going to be okay.”

“You can’t call me Bella. Mama has a Bella.”

“You’ll always be my Bella… and your Mama has enough room in her heart
for both you and Isabella. Don’t punish her baby; she couldn’t help
not being there for you. You knew that before we went to penthouse.
What’s changed for you?” Mira inquired studying the indifference
coloring Amelia’s face. “You were so excited to meet them.”

“I love them Bah,” Amelia said crawling into Mira’s lap and curling
against her. “I love Mama and Papa… I just wish they loved me back.”

“My foolish bunny,” Mira said smiling. “We all love you. There’s no
way to look into this face and not love you,” her thin fingers
strolled carelessly down Amelia’s cheeks. “Your Mama is probably
feeling just as bad as you are.”

Amelia lifted encouraged eyes. “Is she?”

“Yes. She is. She wants you to be with her… but I understand that this
will take time. She’s anxious because she hasn’t had the pleasure of
raising you, and holding you in her arms like this.” She squeezed
Amelia’s body closer.

“Bah?”

“Yes Precious.”

“Why is she so sad?”

“Who Precious?”

“The one who looks like Mama,” she pulled another picture from her
pocket. She’d studied it hard for hours in the dark. “Samantha,” She
said mechanically. “She looks so sad in this picture with Papa and
Omri.”

Mira looked down, “Is that her?”

“Yes. Carrie gave them to me. Mama was gone.”

“Your Mama was having you,” Mira informed her, “and just like you want
your Mama now, Samantha was a little girl, just like you, she wanted
her Mama too.”

“She has Mama now… she still seems so sad.”

“Honey, I don’t think I did you any justice by reading you Shakespeare
and Faust as a baby.” Mira laughed stroking Amelia’s hair. “Sometimes
I look at you and forget that you’re still a little girl.”

“I like Faust Bah… and Shakespeare.”

“I know… and because you like them, you’re more emotional and tragic
than any little girl should be. You know what I want you to do?”

“No.”

“I want you to remember how you feel right now. How you feel about
your Mama? And Papa? Think about Samantha and Eric… and Carrie and
Belle. These are the souls you are forever tied to… and when you are
afraid…”

“I’m not afraid.”

“Precious, it’s okay to be afraid and when you are, remember that your
family loves you and that we’ve all been afraid, too. We all are
afraid still but we’re going to make our family work. Do you
understand me?”

“Will you call Mama?” She asked quietly.

“I will.” Mira said proudly. She kissed Amelia and rose from the
floor, clutching Amelia’s hand. “Let’s call your Mama.”

Amelia sat perfectly still beside Mira as she dialed. She listened to
the pleasantries between her two greatest loves, smiling to herself.
She was still smiling when Mira handed her the phone and she heard her
mother’s voice. “Mama.”

“It’s me sweetie girl,” Marlena said immediately. “I’m so happy to
hear your voice.”

“Me too Mama.”

“Are you okay baby?”

“I’m not afraid… I don’t want Papa to be afraid either.”

“Oh honey,” Marlena could barely speak through the tears thickening
her throat. “We all love you here. I love you very much and I want you
to come home. You belong home with your family.”

“Mama, I love you too.”

“Oh, baby, I know you do. I promise that we’re going to make this
right.” She promised solemnly. “I’m sorry about your daddy leaving
tonight. He’s afraid, honey. He really is. He loves you… he just
doesn’t know it yet.” Marlena explained honestly. “But I can’t live
without you near me.”

“Mama, I can’t…” she whispered.
“Baby, it’s…”

“Mama, I don’t really know you,” she said regretfully. “I only know Bah.”

“I’m your Mama, Amelia. You know that honey.”

“Mama… I can’t come there. Not yet.”

“Baby, we’ve already spent so much time away from each other. I don’t
want to lose another second.” She said pleading, feeling another
daughter slipping through her fingers. “I can’t do it.” She said
trying to stifle her emotions. “I just want to be with you.”

“Mama.”

Marlena realized the pressure in her voice. She eased back. “Baby,
please think about this.”

“Mama, I’m sorry. Is Papa there?”

“Yes baby he is.”

“Does he know that Bah loves him?”

“Honey, he will.”

“Good. Will you come and see me tomorrow?”

“I will… I love you Amelia.”

“I know Mama.”

Chapter 41

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will
forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them
feel” —Maya Angelou

( )

She wavered momentarily, just a second of hesitation but her decision
was clear. The wind whipped harshly against her skin and she tightened
her coat around her. She waited until her father’s car backed slowly
down the driveway before making cat-like movements toward the
backyard. The house was dark; shadows hide pain easier than the
telling light. She used her key to slip inside, darting into the
shadows; she navigated her way upstairs.

The murky tunnel by which children fade into adulthood had swallowed
her whole. No other avenue seemed reasonable. She had to leave. Why
should she have to choose who and why she loved anyone? Why couldn’t
adults simply love the one their with? Why didn’t her mother love her
Daddy anymore? Why couldn’t she love John and Roman? Why couldn’t she
accept that life changes and she wasn’t responsible for those changes?
She couldn’t and because she couldn’t, her only option was evident.
Her mother had told her once that you can’t change a situation but you
can change how you react to a situation. She was tired of lingering.
Packing a backpack with clothes in the dark, she whispered goodbye,
sadly, and snuck back into the coldness.

( )

“Where is my daughter,” were the words that greeted Marlena when she
opened the door to Roman’s angry face the following morning. She stood
resolutely in the doorway, as a blockade, stroking the swell of her
belly.

“I could ask you the same thing,” she told him, recalling that Roman
had knowingly kept her child away from her, “what are you talking
about?”

“Sami.”

Closing her lips into a tightly drawn line, she asked, “What do you mean?”

“Your daughter… with me,” Roman spat with his eyes falling to the
circling hand on her belly. “She’s not home. She hasn’t been for
hours. Is she here?”

“No.” Her face loosened and she stepped aside, “Come in. When is the
last time you saw Sami?”

“Last night when she was coming was over here with her brother and sister.”

“How do you know she’s not home?”

“Marlena, I wouldn’t be here if she were there. She’s not here?”

“No,” she said recalling the last time she’d seen her daughter. “She
left after I told her about the baby and John…”

Roman rolled his eyes, wringing his fingers through his hair. He
poised himself aggressively. The bend of his elbows pointed sharply
toward Marlena. He avoided looking around the penthouse. There were so
many signs of the end of their marriage lying around her new home. The
leather coat that John had strewn over the back of the chaise. Brady’s
football in the middle of the room; Belle’s toys were holding court in
several places around the living room. He snapped back, “Sami.”

“Have you contacted her friends? Jamie… maybe she’s gone to Jamie’s
house,” Marlena suggested calmly.

“She’s not there,” he replied abruptly, “I think you’ve finally done
it… you’ve broken her heart completely. Haven’t you?”

She stared at Roman in disbelief. The anger rose involuntarily. “When
are you going to grow up? This is not about you…as much as you want it
to be, it’s just not. Sami’s a little girl who you’ve driven to
defending you.” She blasted angrily. “I’m so tired of being the fall
guy for every bad thing that’s ever happened to you.”

He raised his voice substantially, “I’m not talking about me. I’m
talking about Sami. She’s missing. Do you realize that? Your daughter
is gone.”

“And what are you doing about that?” She questioned undeterred by his anger.

“I’m here. I’m checking all other avenues before I make this a police matter.”

She took a deep breath. The pressure built along her temples. “First
of all, she’s our daughter. And we have to stop sniping at each other
because this is about Sami. Now what do we do?” She said with a more
conciliatory tone.

John’s voice barreled from the balcony, “What are you doing here?”

Marlena answered over her shoulder, “Sami’s missing.”

“You could have called. I don’t feel comfortable with you being around
Marlena,” John said taking the steps two at a time toward them. “Doc,
are you all right?”

“I’m fine John.” She said taking a solitary stand between John and
Roman. “I can handle this, if you want to check on Belle and Brady.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” John told her defiantly. The openness of her
robe suddenly struck him. He looked her over possessively as he drew
the sides together with rough fingers. “Doc, you should get dressed…
I’ll talk to Roman.”

She pushed his hands away, “John, I don’t have to be dressed to
discuss my daughter.” Her body stiffened. John’s glare and Roman’s
inquisitive, spectator-like observation agitated her. “Listen, I’m an
adult. I make my own decisions… John and Roman. I am not a child that
you need to protect from scary things.”

“Doc?”

“John, listen to me…” she cried out in frustration, “I don’t need you
to patronize me or treat me as if I’m porcelain. I’m not going to
break. I want to know everything going on with my children… every one
of them,” She said remembering Roman, “Sami is both of our
responsibility. I’m not going to sit back and let you play Indiana
Jones on this one. I want to know what you’re doing at all times. You
don’t have the right to make decisions for me, either of you.” She
said looking from Roman to John. “My children are the most important
things in my life, how dare you not tell me about Amelia? Were you
punishing me? Because of John and Belle?”

Roman gasped, “Punishing you… I didn’t know what to do with that
information. How do you know about Amelia? Are you remembering?”

“I’ve seen her,” She told him boldly, “and I can’t believe that you
didn’t tell me about her. You used to be an honorable man.”

“You used to be a faithful wife,” Roman said callously.

John took a dangerously close step toward Roman, “Don’t…”

“I can handle this,” Marlena said placing her palm against John’s
chest. “Roman… a long time ago we fell in love and got married. We had
babies and then you were gone. I’m not sure you ever really knew who I
was. I’m not the same person you met all those years ago. I’m not
going to apologize for being different. But eventually you’re going to
have to stop looking at me through the eyes of the past. I am
imperfect.”

Her words stung. He released his breath into the air, “It’s not my
place to rebuild your past…. Amelia is not my daughter,” he said
bitterly.

“No but she is my daughter and you knew how much I’d want to know
that. I’ll never forgive you for keeping her from me. Never.”

“Can we dispense with rehashing the past? Let’s focus on Sami,” John
suggested, feeling uncomfortable with Marlena’s apparent anger with
Roman over Amelia. Why did she care so much?

“Don’t change the subject. You’re apart of this as much as he is. Even
with the truth staring you in the face, you chose to neglect it.”

“Marlena, I’m not going to discuss this with you… not now.” John said
looking over her shoulder at Roman.

“Sometimes I forget what a sad person you are,” she whispered to John,
“Love is staring you right in the face in the eyes of this little girl
and you can’t deal with that. I’m so tired of trying to keep everyone
together, of trying to blend and match. Why don’t you all do some
growing up here? Roman… get over the past. It’s not going to change
the future. I’ll still be in love with John.” She faced John and moved
closer, “and you have to stop fighting me… and thinking that I need to
be saved and protected. I can save you just as you can me. She’s our
baby girl… and if you don’t see that, I’ll never forgive you. Now I
need the two men in my life, the fathers’ of my children to help me
make things right. I can’t do this alone.” She brought her hand to her
temple where a intensifying headache pounded incessantly.

“Doc, are you okay?” John asked shadowing her immediately. He gripped
her shoulders.

“Stop it John,” she protested, shaking loose from his grasp. “I’m not
helpless,” she said attempting to walk away. Her legs felt limp and
she collapsed in John’s arms.

“Baby? Baby wake up,” John cried, looking to Roman helplessly. “Call
911 man… hurry!”
( )

“I’ve chosen the purple dress,” Amelia decided, holding the taffeta
dress up for her grandmother to see. “I think Mama will love this.”

“I’m sure she’ll love you in anything Precious. She’s coming soon.
Don’t you think you should be dressed when she gets here?”

“Yes.” She scurried excitedly from the room.

“Your Mama is running late.” Mira said beneath her breath. Marlena had
promised to be there before ten. She hadn’t called. Mira was weary
about calling the Penthouse, but she was positive that Marlena would
not disappoint Amelia. She dialed the Penthouse hesitantly. Chelsea
explained that Dr. Evans and Roman and John were headed to University
Hospital.

“God protect my grandchild and its mother.” Mira prayed. “Amelia. My
poor Amelia.”

Chapter 42

“… and a little child shall lead them.”

Isaiah 11:6-7

Goodbye is inevitable. Hold on. Brother. Love builds the path; follow it.
( )

John shadowed the paramedics as they rapidly wheeled Marlena through
the narrow hallway toward the emergency triage. Everything seemed
diminutive, except the lights; they loomed large above them, casting a
harsh luminosity to things better left hidden by darkness. He clutched
her hand; it was clammy. She was pallid and listless. “Baby, I’m
here.” He said weakly squeezing the clammy hand at her side. “Can you
hear me?” He asked leaning over the gurney. Seeming and sounding like
one of the children. Roman was there, indignant and silent. John
intended to pay him no mind, but there was a look that festered on
Roman’s face.

“Sir?” John jumped back and shifted his attention toward the attending
physician. “I just need to,” the doctor paused and moved swiftly to
Marlena’s side, “Dr. Evans?”

“Yes.” John sensed the affection with which the young doctor held
Marlena. “She collapsed at home.”

“I’m Dr. Troyer.” He was polite enough to extend his hand toward John.
“You’re Dr. Evans husband?”

“I’m John Black. She’s pregnant with my child,” he informed the
confused doctor standing beside him.

“I’m her husband.” Roman stepped forward. “She is pregnant and she has
been under a tremendous amount of stress,” he said motioning his
attention to John.

“Her blood pressure is dangerously high Mr. Evans.” He spoke to Roman,
but veered toward John to speak.

“It’s Brady. She uses her maiden name professionally.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Brady,” Dr. Troyer apologized turning away from John’s
glare. “How far along is she?” He asked Roman who looked toward John
with a shrug.

“Almost eighteen weeks,” John calculated in his mind quickly.

“Gentlemen, I don’t want to be insensitive about this situation,” he
said quietly, “but I’m not sure how to proceed with this. Dr. Evans is
your wife Mr. Brady.” Roman nodded. “And she’s having your baby?”

“Yes she is. I don’t give a damn about titles. My concern is for her.
What’s going on? Is she going to be okay?”

Dr. Troyer turned to John. “She was given a mild sedative. They wanted
to stabilize her blood pressure. If you’re the father I’ll allow you
to come with us as we assess this situation… if that’s all right with
Mr. Brady.”

“It’s not,” Roman told them both, moving closer to Marlena. Checkmate.
“She’s still my wife, no matter what. We’re not divorced. I’m still
legally responsible for what happens to her. She’s my children’s
mother.”

Dr. Troyer stepped between them. “This is not my argument. Legally,
Dr. Evans is married to Mr. Brady but…”

“No. There is no but I am her husband. I’m not sure if this baby is my
child or John’s but I want my wife to be okay. I’m going.” Roman told
them both. “Now can we?”

John inhaled the stale air, holding it in his chest until he felt like
it might burst. Dr. Troyer waited for John’s hesitant approval.
“Baby,” he bent at her side, “I’ll be right here when you’re awake.”

“It’ll be no more than an hour before she’s awake. And then she can
call you into the room,” Dr. Troyer informed him compassionately. “I
promise I’ll take good care of her. She’s one of my favorite
colleagues at the hospital. Everyone here loves her.”

John acknowledged Dr. Troyer’s apathetic words without moving from her
side. He covered her face between his hands. She looked peaceful. “I
love you.” Without regard for Roman, he kissed her lips softly and
then moved his hands to their baby. “Daddy loves you.” He stood up,
running his hands down the front of his jeans. “Ok.”

“Can we?” Roman’s face glimmered with disgust, by the public display
of John’s affection for his wife; he was also embarrassed to be apart
of the triangle between the three of them so publicly. Roman grabbed
Marlena’s hand, the hand that John had possessively held, and scurried
along side the gurney until they disappeared behind the wooden doors
accessed only with an official hospital ID.

“God Doc.” John knew of one person who could help. He found a hospital
line and had Laura paged to Emergency.
( )

“Bah, where is she?” Amelia sat with hands folded in her lap. She was
wearing the purple dress she’d chosen that morning. The coloring book
at her side had long ago exhausted itself. The small playhouse of the
hospital waiting room was no larger than her real wooden playhouse on
the plantation in Louisiana. Her patience was wearing thin.

“I don’t know precious.” She was always honest with Amelia. Enough
lies had been spoken to her, purposely or not, she could handle much
more than other children could. It’s why Mira had brought Amelia to
the hospital; she assumed seeing Marlena would lessen her
disappointment. “We’ll know something soon Amelia.”

“It’s him,” Amelia spoke suddenly pointing down the hallway where an
elevator had opened up and emptied out. It was her Papa. “Bah,” She
moved meticulously from her own chair at Mira’s side to find the
comfort of her grandmother’s lap.

Mira and John matched eyes immediately. He was walking heavily toward
them. His shoulders dragging with the heaviness of his steps, worry
lined his eyes. He didn’t avoid Mira. To her surprise, he walked over
to them first. “You’ve heard?” he asked slowly. “How’d you know so
quickly?”

“Marlena was to come visit with Amelia and I this morning. When she
didn’t show up, I called the Penthouse. How is she, John?”

He slumped into the seat beside Mira. “I don’t know.” He was so tired
from worry. It was a comfort to see someone, even if it was someone he
mistrusted somewhat, in the hospital not judging his love for Marlena.
He’d paged Laura and been told that she was out of the hospital on an
emergency. “I’m not able to go back there with her. Roman’s there.”

“Oh Precious.” Mira reached up to touch his face, waiting for his
response before she made contact. He didn’t flinch. He moved closer.
“Marlena, the woman I know, is so strong. She’s such a fighter. She’ll
never give up, not this easily.”

John leaned into Mira’s warm hand. “I just need to see her.”

“I know. We all do.” Mira wrapped her free arm around Amelia’s waist.
“Amelia is worried too.”

Amelia was worried; for her Mama but also because she was frightened
to be so close to the man who had run away from her. She leaned into
Mira’s chest as closely as space would allow. She couldn’t avoid
looking at him. Magnetically, her eyes were drawn to John’s face. She
decided then that he looked scared, too. Maybe that’s why she felt
like wrapping her arms around his neck. “Papa.” Her voice barely
reached John’s ears. She spoke again, “Papa.”

John turned, looked, and saw her, finally saw her as if it were the
first time he’d ever laid eyes on the little girl with his eyes. Those
were his eyes. She was purely an angel. She was Belle in five years.
She was the Sami of his memory. Eric’s gentle smile. Marlena’s blonde
hair. His daughter.

“Papa?” Her voice gained strength. She sat up straight and turned
fully around to face him.

“Amelia…” His voice was shaky but fairly assuring. “She is who you say
she is isn’t she?” He remarked absentmindedly to Mira.

“Am I Papa?” A certain pride lilted Amelia’s words. “Am I?”

John sighed heavily, “How could I have not seen that before? I don’t
know what to think anymore.” He lifted his hands to his temples. “I’m
tired of thinking.”

“Don’t think anymore. Just feel it Precious.” Mira’s voice soothed his
nervousness. “You have to know that we wouldn’t do anything to hurt
you… not ever.”

It was Amelia who reacted first. She lunged forward to fall against
her father’s pulsating chest. Her hair tickled his nose as he wrapped
his arms around her, pulling her completely from Mira’s lap onto his
own. He held her close. “Baby girl.” The warmth with which he held
onto Amelia brought tears to Mira’s eyes. She watched slightly envious
of the new bond as it formed. “You know what… I’m sorry for…” He
edited himself to her level of understanding, “Papa is sorry for…”

She knowingly drew her hand to his mouth. “Papa, don’t.”

“I am. It took me seeing Doc in that bed.” He mumbled into Amelia’s
hair. “She’s so fragile and upset because I didn’t believe in her. I
didn’t believe that you were our daughter.”

Amelia was impervious to the fear in her father’s voice. She wrapped
her arms around him and looked up into his eyes. The fear in her
father’s eyes dissipated with the lift of her lips into a noble and
beguiling smile; a smile that Marlena had given her through genetics.
“Why do you call her Doc?”

John returned her smile. The sparkle of his eye brightened under the
examination of Amelia’s careful study. “I just… she’s Doc… a doctor.
One of the best.” He wasn’t sure how to speak to the small child in
his arms. She was a little girl. She was wise, older than her five
years allowed.

“Does she save people?”

“She saved me a long time ago Amelia. Without your Mama, I wouldn’t be here.”

“Neither would we,” Mira interjected serenely. She curled her fingers
around John’s arm, hoping to monopolize a byproduct of her son’s
newfound fondness for his daughter. “God will take care of Marlena.
Remember the prayer we prayed John…” she stopped abruptly, as her
memories ran toward a place John had long forgotten. “Of course you
don’t. I don’t know what he did to you. And I’m sorry for it all.”

“Bah, you’re not sorry. We don’t have to say sorry,” Amelia reminded
her, “in families there is nothing impossible to forgive.” She quoted
from memory. “You told me that.”

“I believe that.” Mira whispered conspiratorially.

John listened to the words and felt the connection between this woman
begging to be welcomed into his heart and the little girl who was
slowly winning his heart. Mira was so challenging. She was warm and
loving, ethereal. Mysterious. Someone who could have raised the kind
of man John had become despite the Dimera shadow on his back. He
wasn’t sure what she was entirely. He didn’t have time to second guess
himself. Marlena believed in her heart that Amelia was their child. He
would believe it also. A part of him felt anxious about what Amelia’s
birth and life away from them signified; she’d been living in
obscurity with a woman who claimed to know more about him than he knew
about himself. That terrified him. And he felt alone. Absolutely alone
in the world with Roman playing husband; and Marlena was somewhere
between life and unconsciousness.

“John.”

Mira saw his inner confusion when he looked into her eyes. “It’s okay.
It’s enough that you welcome this child. In time you’ll know,” she
said knowingly, “we’ll pray for this child and Marlena.”

“And you and Papa, too.” Amelia took John’s hand from her back and
latched it into Mira’s. They bowed their heads in silent prayer.

( )

She uttered his name, “John.” The heaviness of her eyelids kept them
lowered. “John.” In her grogginess, she lifted her hand and felt the
sting of the intravenous tube pumping through a vein. “John.”

“Doc, it’s me,” Roman said rushing into the room from the hallway.
“It’s okay honey.”

“John.” She cried out trying to force herself awake, out of the depths
of the dreamlike occupations of her mind. He wasn’t there, she
realized. Roman’s face came into vision slowly.

“Honey, are you okay?”

She swallowed to coat the dryness overtaking her mouth. Searching the
room for John as tried to sit up.

“Take it easy Doc.”

“What…where is John?”

“In the waiting room, I guess. You have to be easy there,” he sat down
beside her. “The doctor’s are worried about the baby and you.” Roman’s
hand found the roundness of her belly easily. “You have to take it
easy for the baby’s sake.”

Marlena shifted away from his touch.

“Doc. It’s okay.”

“No Roman.” Her voice was childlike in its reprimanding. “Is John here?”

“I’m sure he is… in the waiting room… but I want you to get some rest.
Please. We have to remember the baby and Sami. Honey, we’ve got to fix
things between us.”

She watched him incredulously.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Roman please I don’t have the strength to do this. John. I need John.”

“Sami… Eric…Carrie Roman. What about your children?” He said unable to
hold his temper.

She searched for the nurse’s call button.

“Doc.”

“John… I need John.” She repeated until a nurse came quickly into the
room. “Will you please page John Black?”

“Yes Dr. Evans.”

“I don’t trust you anymore,” Marlena told Roman after the nurse left
the room. “Please just leave me alone.”

Chapter 43

“The future isn’t what it used to be
Only today is all that’s promised me.”
–Naomi Judd

The world can brighten when one looks through a child’s view of things.

She was afraid, but she was hopeful. She felt safe holding his hand,
which was significantly larger, but still familiar. This was her
father; she had never had a father. He was also her Daddy, her Papa.
She loved to speak that word and see how her words affected him.

She had been sitting in his lap when they had called his name over the
intercom. Her father leaped up and she held onto his hand before he
could disappear behind the large doors hiding her mother. She would
have thrown a fit if Bah or her father had denied her access to her
mother. They hadn’t; instead, he gripped her hand into his and led her
through the doors.

The hallway was long, and a terrifying smell filled her senses with
every step. She didn’t understand why they were moving so slowly.
She’d only been in a hospital once, when she’d hurt her arm climbing
the oak trees in the yard at home. Bah had explained before they came
that her mother was sick, and that she would be in a place like that.
Being there was different than simply hearing about it or remembering
her experience.

“Amelia.” Her father’s voice was strong. She’d never heard anything so
powerful in her life. “Mama might not look like herself. She’s going
to maybe have wires and things coming out of her. I just don’t want
you to be afraid.” He reached to lift her up. She wrapped her tiny
legs around her father and squeezed his shoulders.

“I’m not afraid Papa. We’re strong like Bah says.”

“You don’t always have to be strong because you have me now. Your Mama
and I aren’t going to let anything happen to you.”

He felt warm. She believed him and kissed his cheek promptly. “Where is Mama?”

They followed the hallway toward the last room at the end of the hall.
She wasn’t nervous; she was excited. Having her father’s arms around
her made her feel better. And when she finally saw her, lying in a bed
covered with white sheets, with tubes trailing her body, she leapt
from her father’s arm and went to her mother’s bedside.

“Mama.” She wanted to touch her but was hesitant. She looked over her
shoulder toward her father. “Papa?” She didn’t know what to do. Her
father came to her side and knelt, never taking his eyes off of her
mother. “Are you okay Mama?”

“Baby girl your Mama is just fine. Don’t let these tubes scare you.
They’re helping me.”

She looked unsure.

“I promise you that Mama will be okay. Now give me a kiss. I have
missed this little face so much. And I’m sorry that I didn’t get to
have breakfast with you.” Her mother sat up in the bed and reached for
her. She carefully climbed onto a clear spot in the little bed, near
the metal rail. She leaned close and pressed her lips against her
mother’s waiting lips. When she looked back at her father, smiling,
she noticed that his attention had turned from them to the man
standing in the back of the room.

“Roman, can I speak with you outside?”

Roman looked upset, she couldn’t figure out the reason or even who he
was. And then the memory clicked: in the fields of their house, before
her life had changed, he had been with Bah in the garden.

“You were at my house with Bah.” She said pointing to Roman. “How do
you know Mama and Papa?” She asked politely, taking her mother’s hand.

“Longtime friend.”

“Roman?” Her father’s face had changed, especially when he talked to
Roman. She looked to her mother and then back to Roman.

“Would you please not do this?” Her mother’s voice was so soft that
she’d barely heard her request and she didn’t understand who she was
talking to at first. “Not in front of the baby.”

“She’s no baby. She’s your dirty secret.”

Her father clenched his fists tightly. “Don’t ever talk to her like that.”

“John. It’s not worth it.” Her hand lay on his arm. “Just be thankful
for this moment.” She looked at her with a smile. “She’s here with us
now.”

“Go Brady. Just go.”

“Is this what you really want?”

Her mother nodded.

“You can’t make this life work, if you’ve never given the other life a chance.”

“We did all we could. Now please, don’t do this in front of my little girl.”

“Your little girl? Your little girl—our little girl, Sami, is missing.
And all you can think about are the bastards you have with this
asshole.”

Her mother reached and held onto her father. She mouthed something to
him and he turned and faced Amelia again.

“I’ll do everything in my power to find Sami. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“She’s my daughter not yours John. I don’t need you. When you’re back
to reality, and can focus on the more important things in life, call
me.”

She watched him walk heavily from the room. He wasn’t as pleasant as
she’d thought when she’d first seen him in the garden. He was angry at
her parents and she didn’t know why. She didn’t care too much either
way. His absence allowed a quiet, beautiful moment to happen between
her parents. He climbed into bed on the other side and held her
mother’s close to his body. Love. He loved her. She could tell by the
way his fingers moved across her hair and skin, especially her face.
He kissed her forehead a couple of times and then her mouth. Her
mother’s quiet laughing caused him to look up and see her studying
them. He extended his arms and she climbed up between them. She
listened to them talk about babies and Belle; she heard Sami’s name,
and her mother’s voice dipped low; and then she said her name, Amelia,
with so much love that she had to close her eyes to withstand the
power of the moment. She felt like she belonged to them in the bed,
with her father’s strong hands rolling over her mother’s stomach, and
her placing her head on the belly to see if she could hear the baby
that her mother kept referring to. She fell asleep close to their
bodies. Warm and safe; and loved.

Chapter 44

“We do not find the meaning of life by
Ourselves alone— we find it with
Another.”
–Thomas Merton

Without opening her eyes, she knew he was there. And without speaking,
she could hear, in the silence and darkness what he wasn’t saying.
They’d fallen asleep together with Amelia cradled between them.

“She is so beautiful.” She touched Amelia’s curls. The little girl’s
body was curled against her side, her hand was protectively touching
John’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” John spoke low. “This is what we worked so hard for when
I came home to you.” He looked repentant in the shadows. “We wanted
her.”

“We did.” Marlena agreed. Without voicing the need or planning
Amelia’s conception, she had been conceived.

“January 14th.” Amelia’s birthday. John could recall every day that
he’d spent mourning Marlena. He had been piecing his life back
together. “Do you remember anything more?”

“Just flashes.” Her memory was scant. Closing her eyes, she pictured
the Lemoyne plantation. The night that she’d found it had been
exhausting. “It was raining. I don’t know how I knew to go there.”

“Orpheus?” John’s voice was gentle and as quiet as Marlena was.

“I don’t know. I just know that I knew that Mira would help me.” She
inhaled suddenly. A memory pushed through the fogginess of her mind.
“It wasn’t Orpheus. I’d gotten away from him.”

“The island?”

She trembled recalling the cruel isolation of the island, “No.” She
had mothered Orpheus’ children there and fought off his advances. She
had the ability to come and go as she pleased, always knowing that
guards were not far off. “He wanted me to be his wife.” She shuddered.
The worst of her captivity had been her uncertainty about Orpheus. His
eyes were cold and unforgiving, especially when they were glaring at
her. “I was terrified. He wasn’t happy about the baby.” John’s hand
found her hip. She leaned closer to Amelia, closer to John. “I can’t
grab onto it.” Marlena said shaking her head in frustration.

“Don’t try. Get some rest.” He leaned in to kiss her temple.

“I want to remember John.” She was adamant. “It’s some sort of
selective amnesia.”

“Maybe it’s too painful.” John suggested. “Isn’t it enough that she’s here now?”

“Of course,” Marlena looked at their daughter who was unaware of
anything other than their presence. “I want her to come and live with
us. I want all of our children under our roof.” She remembered Sami.
“John, what about Sami? What are we going to do about her finding
her?”

“Don’t worry.” He said sitting up. “You have to promise me that you’re
going to rest.”

“I will if you promise me that you’re going to find Sami.”

“You already know that.” He put his arms beneath Amelia and lifted her
into his arms. “The baby is going to be okay. Amelia and Sami are
going to be okay. I promise you baby.”

Amelia’s head rolled from John’s chest. “Papa I want to sleep here.”
She squinted through her honey bangs.

“Your grandmother is going to be worried.” John said sweeping her hair
from her eyes. “You can see mommy tomorrow. I’ll bring you myself.”
Amelia looked unconvinced.

Marlena smiled at her sympathetically. “Honey, Mama wants you as close
as you can be, but a hospital is no place for children. Wouldn’t you
rather sleep in your bed with Bah close by?”

Amelia shook her head defiantly. “I want to sleep here.”

Marlena chuckled to herself. “She’s used to getting her way,” she told
John over Amelia’s bowed head. “Come here baby girl.” John settled
Amelia on Marlena’s lap. “You’re never going to be without me or your
papa again.” Marlena said solemnly. Her face was set in the
determination of a desperate mother. She reached up and unpinned the
clip holding her hair at bay. She placed the lacquered clip into
Amelia’s open palm. “Do you know what that is?”

“A clip,” Amelia said examining the slender object.

“No,” Marlena explained wrapping her arms around the little girl in
her lap. “It’s a magic clip that will keep you close to Mama. Whenever
you touch it and close your eyes, there I’ll be.”

“Mama, that’s magic.”

“I know. Mama knows magic. All mamas know magic.” Marlena kissed the
top of Amelia’s hair. “Do you believe Mama?”

“Papa?” She said turning to John who was quietly studying her.

“It works for me. When I want Mama and she’s not around, do you know
what I do?” John asked Amelia as he sat down next to Marlena and
Amelia.

“What?”

John’s eyes settled on Marlena. “I close my eyes and remember the last
time I held her in my arms. But you have this.” He took the hair pin
from Amelia’s open palm. He brought it to his nose. “It smells like
Mama.” He handed it back to Amelia.

“So you see, I’ll never be far from you. I’m always with you.” Marlena
closed her eyes. She didn’t want Amelia to see the tears. “Now off you
go with your daddy. I’ll be home very soon.”

“I’m going to come tomorrow,” Amelia reminded her. She closed the hair
pin into her hand and squeezed Marlena. “There’s a baby in here.” She
pointed at Marlena’s belly.

“Yes.” Marlena was amazed at Amelia’s astuteness. “Do you like babies?”

“No.” Amelia said without remorse. “I like Omri and Carrie.”

Marlena frowned slightly. “But Omri—Eric and Carrie were once babies
also. Just like you and Belle.”

Amelia turned away from Marlena. “Bah calls me Bella.”

John understood Amelia’s comparison. “We call your sister Isabella
Belle, kind of like Bella but you’re both our girls.” John made it a
point to touch Amelia’s arm as he talked to her. “We want to do
anything to make you feel apart of us. Do you understand what I mean?”

“Like Omri and Carrie?”

“Just like them,” Marlena said as she touched Amelia’s nose. “You’re
my little girl just as much as Belle and Carrie.”

“Will you visit me at Bah’s when you go home?”

Marlena looked crestfallen. She looked to John for some way to explain
that her place was with them. “I don’t think we should worry about
that now. You should enjoy your time with Bah and we’ll talk about all
of that when I’m back home.”

“The baby can have my room.” Amelia decided looking from her mother to
her father.

“There’s more than enough room for you.” John told her. “It’s getting
late. Come on beautiful.”

Marlena reached for Amelia. “One more hug for your mama. I’ll need
this to hold me over until tomorrow.”

“You should kiss Papa.” Amelia suggested. “Then he can remember it
when he can’t hold you.”

John smiled at Amelia’s request.

“Come here Papa,” Marlena said playing along. She held Amelia in place
while tipping her head to kiss John’s waiting lips. “There. Now Papa
and Amelia can sleep peacefully.” Marlena said eyeing John. He scooped
Amelia into his arms. She wrapped her legs around him and laid her
head on his shoulder.

I love you baby,” Marlena said struggling to finish her sentence, “so
very much.”

“I know Mama.” Amelia said as she waved from her father’s arms.

( )

“Twins?” Marlena repeated. “Are you certain?” Dr. Tensley nodded at
her. She was lying back with her arms hovering over her belly.

“Two heartbeats were present when I listened. One is very faint, but
detectable.”

Marlena shook her head in bewilderment. “I can’t believe it.”

“There is always the possibility. You have given birth to twins
before,” Dr. Tensley gently reminded her.

“It’s remarkable. John will be thrilled.” She said feeling prideful.
“It’s such a miracle.”

“All life is and that includes you. You have to take care of you and
these babies. I don’t have to tell you what a precarious position
you’re in. We have to take into account your age. The fact that you
had a somewhat difficult pregnancy with Belle less than one year ago
is another precarious situation. Your body is not quite healed.”

She knew the doctor was absolutely correct in her assessments. The
past year had been very difficult and stressful enough to cause
herself and the babies danger. “I understand.”

“Bed rest might be your next option if we can’t keep your blood
pressure down.” Dr. Tensley laid her hand compassionately on Marlena’s
shoulder. “You’ve been blessed with this pregnancy. It’s risky but we
can do this together. Work with me Marlena.”

“Thank you,” Marlena said sighing. “I want them to come to us safely.
I’ll be careful. I promise.”

“Good.” She patted her shoulder. “You make good on that promise and
I’ll let you go home today.”

Marlena’s eyes widened. She missed her home. She missed her children.
Belle and Brady were probably confused by the constant changing of
people in and out of their house. She hadn’t held them in so long.
Eric would need her reassurance about Sami. And where was Sami?
Playing childish games of rebellion or could she really in trouble.
She needed to know. She ran her hand across the entire round plane of
her stomach. Four of John’s children. Amelia and Belle, and now their
twins. She smiled to herself. They made beautiful children together.
Her smile widened when John popped into her room with Amelia and Belle
in tow.

“The loves of my life,” she said sitting up in the bed. “Come to mama,
both of you.” She reached for Belle who came to her easily. Amelia
reached up for John to lift her from his side.

“Hi baby.” Marlena kissed Belle’s cheeks until the little girl began to laugh.

Amelia watched carefully. She hadn’t been happy about her little
sister being with them. She’d frowned when her father showed up with
Belle at the hotel.

“Come here baby,” Marlena said extending her arm toward Amelia. “Do
you have a kiss for Mama?”

Amelia shook her head and lay against her father’s chest. “Papa can we
get Omri?”

“Eric’s here,” Marlena asked John, scrutinizing Amelia’s reaction to
her and Belle. John nodded and pointed toward the hallway. Amelia
tightened her hold on
John’s neck. “Mama has so much room for you,” Marlena told Amelia.
“Right here.” She patted the bed.

Amelia looked unsure. “No Mama.”

Marlena was pained by Amelia’s rejection. She realized that she needed
reassurance and Belle’s presence wasn’t a welcoming one for her. “John
will you bring her to me?”

John looked hesitant at simply placing Amelia on the bed. She was
clearly uncomfortable with Belle and Marlena’s closeness. “Do you want
Bah?” John asked Amelia quietly.

“Please,” she whispered looking away from her mother.

“I’ll take her and then bring the boys back.” John said leaving the
room without looking at her.

Marlena tried to hold back the tears, reminding herself that any
stress was bad for the babies. She hadn’t even told John about their
babies, that there were two babies. Belle touched her stomach as if
she were aware of her mother’s thoughts. She was too young to
understand what the roundness meant. Her only response was to laugh
and jam her finger into her mouth.

“You’re going to be a big sister.” Marlena said pulling Belle as close
as she would allow her. “We’re going to have a new family.” She said
absentmindedly. It all had to work for their sakes—all their children.
They deserved it.

Chapter 45

“I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with
that decision.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“You finally have everything that you’ve always wanted.” Laura Horton
said helping Marlena settle into the wheelchair that she was
operating. Dr. Tensley had released her that morning as promised.

“I think so,” she told her friend cautiously.

“Oh honey, I’m sure of it. You’re finally allowing the only man who
has ever truly loved you to be a part of your life. That’s something
to be very sure of. Why don’t you sound sure?” Laura asked reading her
mood. The last few months Laura had become a refuge and much needed
counselor to her.

“I don’t think there are any guarantees.” Marlena admitted sighing in
exhaustion. She had long exhausted her mind’s ability to stop focusing
on what was wrong in her life. She remembered her promise to John and
Dr. Tensely. “I want to be positive. I have to be for the sake of
these babies and the other children.”

“Well, I know it’s easier said than done but just think positively.”
Laura crouched beside the wheelchair. “I see a woman who deserves all
of this. These babies and the love of that man in the waiting room are
all yours.”

“I know.” Marlena was still uncertain. “I just want everything to work out.”

“It will.” Laura said brushing her hair over her shoulder.

“I’ll hold you to that.” She inhaled. “I need your help with
something.” She’d decided that Laura would be the only one who could
help her. “It’s about Amelia.”

“She’s a wonderful little girl.” Laura had introduced herself to the
little girl and Mira in the waiting room. “The woman who has cared for
her…”

“Mira.”

“Mira,” Laura said nodding. “She is devoted to that child.”

Marlena lowered her hand to quell her queasy stomach. “Mira loves her
and Amelia is equally enamored with her.” Their devotion to each other
was one source of Marlena’s unspoken pain. She appreciated the way in
which Mira had raised Amelia, protecting her and teaching her. But she
felt that she should be the one who Amelia wanted to cling to, the way
she had when she was afraid for her.

“So what about Amelia,” Laura said calling her attention back to what
she had been asking.

“I need you to help me recover memories about her birth.”

Laura paused, measuring her best friend’s face. “Are you sure honey?”

“I owe that to John and Amelia,” Marlena told her turning toward the
window of the hallway. “I had a baby who I left; I don’t know how I
can ever forgive myself for that.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“No, but it happened and I have to deal with it, for Amelia. She needs
to be assured of her place in my life, and I want to tell her all
about our time together before I left her. It won’t make up for the
past years but it’ll give her something. My daughter is a very
perceptive little girl; she understands things that Sami and Carrie
learned as teenagers—things that they are still learning. That shows
me that she needs an explanation better than Mama didn’t know better.”

Laura draped her hand on her best friend’s shoulder, “I’ll do
everything in my power to help. Now let’s go. There is a welcome party
assembling in the waiting room.”

Her heart was particularly heavy, having spent so much time away from
Amelia and the others. It was Amelia’s weary face that caught her
attention when they rounded the corner to the waiting room. Eric and
Carrie were keeping Belle occupied with stuffed animals while Amelia’s
steely eyes circled the room. Mira was no less than two inches away
from Amelia, her lithe fingers dabbling in the little girl’s loose
curls.

“Mom.” Eric greeted her with a warm smile and quick hug. “He’ll be
here,” the teenager assured his mother when he noticed her looking
around for John. Eric handed Belle to her and stepped back for Carrie
to hug her.

“Twins?” Carrie asked her stepmother as she touched her belly. “That’s amazing.”

“Isn’t it?” Marlena said peering at Amelia, who had not attempted to
acknowledge her. She aimed to stand from the wheel chair with Belle,
but her son’s protest sent her back into the chair. “Amelia?”

The cobalt of her daughter’s eyes stung her unexpectedly. She looked
up from dabbling in her lap. Something about the way that her fingers
twined around each other reminded her of Sami. Of the sadness that
eroded Sami’s childhood. Amelia’s confidence usually abounding, seemed
deflated among the sea of people she really didn’t know.

“Honey?” Marlena summoned her again. “Will you come and see Mama?”

“Where’s Papa?” She asked, turning around to Mira who had stepped closer.

“He’ll be here.” Eric said. He touched his mother before walking to
Amelia. He crouched to her height and leaned to whisper in her ear.
Her eyes widened. She draped her arm around Eric’s shoulder and jumped
into his arms.

Watching the exchange, Marlena had nearly forgotten Belle. She kissed
her fuzzy head and pulled her close. Like Amelia, Belle had her
daddy’s warm blue eyes.

“See, not so bad.” Eric said bringing his sister to kneel in front of
their mother.

Marlena brushed Amelia’s face gently. She was rewarded with a small
smile that widened when Belle cooed at her. “She likes you.” Marlena
told her, pulling a reluctant Amelia into her lap. “And we all like
you,” she whispered. “We love you very much.”

( )

When she rolled over in their bed, John was there with Belle asleep in
his arms. He kissed her temple after laying Belle between them. She
was relieved to see him there, with her. She’d missed him not bringing
them home from the hospital. He’d instead, arranged to have a car pick
the family up and bring them to the penthouse.

“Baby, I’m sorry for not being at the hospital.” John said
apologetically. He rubbed her hair and snuggled in closer to Belle.

She turned her body toward their child and John. She lifted her tired
eyes to his face. “Where were you?”

“Sami,” was all he said.

Marlena brought her hand to his chin. She caressed the stubble lined
skin there. He was tired. They were both exhausted. The warmth of his
eyes reminded her suddenly of their daughters. Both Sami and Amelia.
The lost birds of their flock. She was worried sick when she came back
home to the penthouse. It reminded her of all the loose ends of their
lives. Mira had come to the penthouse with them and cooked a wonderful
dinner. They’d worried about John’s whereabouts together. And when the
evening was getting short, Mira offered Amelia a chance to spend the
night, and she’d refused. Broken hearted, Marlena said goodbye, trying
very hard not to cry and make Amelia feel guilty for leaving.

“Did you find out anything about Sami?”

He shook his head. “I don’t want you to worry. We’re going to find her.”

“I know you will, but what will happen to her until she’s found. She
can’t survive on the streets.”

“I don’t think that she’s in danger baby. She’s a smart kid. I’m sure
she’s with people who care about her.”

“We’re her family.” Marlena said sadly. “We’re the people who care
about her most.”

John’s forehead creased thoughtfully. “She’s upset with us. It’s hard
for her to be around us, I imagine. When I saw her that night, she was
obviously torn. I know that our girl is alright.”

Marlena shrugged dejectedly. “But I want her here.” She felt the urge
of motherhood swarm her senses. The advent of her advancing pregnancy
and having Amelia back in their lives gave her a sense of half joy.
Nothing would be complete until they were all together again. “Sami’s
a mixed up teenager. I know what that’s like. You want to climb inside
yourself and never come out. You want to hide from the things that you
don’t understand; things that you fear will hurt you. It’s tough to be
so raw.” She swallowed the burn in her throat, burying the ambushing
tears. “We haven’t helped her situation. Sami has an incredible
anxiety about life that must be eating her alive.”

“What person doesn’t feel some anxiety about life?” John asked
thoughtfully. “We can’t blame ourselves for that. If anything, we’ve
tried to show her what real love is really about.”

“She thought her daddy and I had real love John.” Averting her eyes,
Marlena pulled Belle onto her chest to quell the restlessness invading
her sleep. Smoothing down her hair, she hummed softly so that the
sound reverberated against Belle’s cheek. “I need to spend time with
all of the children. My attention has been everywhere except on them.”

“I think they know that you’re doing the best that you can.”

“It’s not enough. I want my babies to know me.”

John propped up on one elbow. Marlena looked especially tired. Her
usually vibrant eyes were low, even with their baby cradled against
her chest. “You seem exhausted.”

“It’s true,” Marlena said, as she smiled weakly. “Worrying is
extremely tiresome.”

“Well stop worrying. Let me do that for you.”

She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. “John?” She curved her free
hand around John’s. “Tell me what you think…about Amelia?” They hadn’t
spoken about the miracle that was their little girl.

He didn’t answer quickly; instead he hesitated, making Marlena think
that he was still unsure of Amelia. Though, it wasn’t his problem; he
was still confused about the magnitude of having a daughter who now
needed to be included in their life. He’d been away from his own
mother and father, and forgotten everything that ever happened to him
until he met Marlena. No one deserved that kind of existence,
especially not a child as wonderful as Amelia. It hadn’t taken much
for him to be convinced of Amelia’s identity after she’d climbed into
his lap in the waiting room and worried about Marlena with him. The
connection had been powerful. She had qualities, haunting qualities
that reminded him of Marlena. And when she tilted her head a certain
way, he could almost see himself staring back at him.

“John?”

“Honey, she’s a beautiful little girl.”

“She certainly is.”

“Doc, she put her little hand into mine and climbed into my lap..”

Marlena smiled, “And that was all it took?”

“She’s just so you. She’s one of the most self-assured little girls
that I’ve ever met. I love it when she says Papa.”
“She loves to say it. I don’t know what it is about her, but I feel
like I’ve been there. I know the faces, what they mean. I know when
she gets agitated by the tone of her voice, and the jutting of her
chin. That is absolutely a trait that she inherited from you, by the
way.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She sighed and lifted her chin to rest on Belle’s
sleeping head. “I asked Laura to help me.”

John looked puzzled. “Help you do what sweetheart?”

“Help me unlock all the memories that have to do with Amelia. I want
her to know that I loved and cared for her from the very beginning.”

“Do you really think that’s safe?” He asked as he sat up against the
headboard. “Maybe we should let the past stay in the past. She’s here
now. That’s all that counts.”

She looked up sympathetically. “I know why you feel like that. If I
open this can of memories, than you have to deal with your past too.
And that worries you.”

“I’m not worried for my sake.”

“I know. You’re worried for the children and me, but honey, we owe it
to ourselves to do this. Everything in our lives has been completely
shaken and it’s never been our cause directly. We have to put it back
in order. For all of our sakes.”

“So what are you asking me to do?”

“Face our past together. Help me.”

He threw his legs over the side of the bed as he pressed his palms at
his side. With his back turned, he stood up. “I don’t know what that
will accomplish. I’m not sure I can do that.”

Chapter 46

“There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets
the future in.”
– Deepak Chopra

Amelia set her brass tea set on the table before her. Bah was to be
her guest for noon tea. A tea party was exactly what she’d been
wanting. At home, whenever she was feeling sadder than usual, she’d
gather her usual audience: Ciel, the cook; Bah, her greatest
confidant; and Raysa. They allowed her to be in charge and she liked
the feeling.

She’d boiled water on her own, while Bah slept, and carried the full
teapot back to the middle room of their set of suites. She called the
kitchen and asked for graham crackers with cinnamon, like the ones
they usually ate with tea. For Bah, she asked for scones and sugarless
cookies. Because presentation was everything, she chose an ice pink
A-line dress with white bow tied around her chest. She had a plan; she
needed to be at her best. Bah often said that when you look your best,
you feel your best.

“So, what do I owe this dear party Bella?” Bah questioned Amelia when
she emerged from her bedroom in a silk housecoat tied tightly around
her waist. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you Bah.” Amelia curtsied. She took Bah’s hand and led her to
their set table. “I have all your favorites.”

“So you do.” Knowing Amelia, Mira observed her careful moves. The
twinkle in her eyes was an indication of her granddaughter’s attempt
at plotting. She played along cheerfully with Amelia’s ruse. Smiling
and sipping daintily on her tea. When they were nearly finished with
Amelia’s stack of graham crackers, she posited a simple question to
her grandchild. “Is this about Mama and Papa?”

Amelia’s eyes widened. A headband held her curls at bay, making her
heart shaped face the center of attention. In the past couple of days,
Mira noticed the pieces of Amelia that were apparently inherited
through DNA; the small nuances that were a part of her mother’s
personality beyond her blonde hair and creamy skin. She was decidedly
cerebral; a trait that was wholeheartedly her mother’s. Mira had
assumed that this component of Amelia was due to her nurturing, her
unusual upbringing. She’d kept her away from anyone whom she didn’t
trust her around. She had been unofficially homeschooled since she
could talk. Of course, a little girl whose only playmates were her
seniors would behave with a mature nature. That was exactly what Mira
had decided until she’d met Marlena herself. Now she understood that
Amelia was highly intelligent and compassionate because of whose blood
she shared. The self-assured part was more Lemoyne. She walked with a
regal gait that could only be matched in royal courtyards. Amelia also
picked up French and Spanish with ease. Her father had been exactly
the same. And when Amelia called attention back to her, Mira smiled
thinking how much she reminded her of John.

“I think Mama and Papa should come and live with us at home.” Amelia
said breaking a piece of cracker. She put it slowly in her mouth and
dusted her fingers.

“And what of their lives Bella? Your Mama is a doctor; she has people
that depend on her.” Mira explained with her softest voice. “You have
a family that exists here now. We’re going to learn how to blend.”

Amelia poked her bottom lip out, crossing her arms over her puffed up
chest. “No. Don’t I depend on Mama too?”

“You know the answer to that Amelia.” Mira had tried very early to
instill a sense of independence in her. If she could take care of
herself, then she’d never feel the need to fall victim to those who
exploited dependence. “You owe no one yourself. We owe only ourselves
the power to be in charge of our lives.”

Amelia disagreed, shaking her head back and forth. “I’m a little girl
Bah, and I have a mama now. I don’t want to be the way I used to be.”

Mira looked away to hide the sting of Amelia’s careless words. Could a
little girl understand the caliber of such words; that it sounded as
if she didn’t appreciate the way that Mira had nurtured her; that she
had some way failed and made her more dependent than she intended. She
had never been anything but honest with Amelia. “You hurt Bah with
such words child. You must never be careless with other’s hearts.”

Looking boldly into her grandmother’s face, Amelia was resolute. “I
don’t mean to hurt you. I just mean that….” Her hesitation was heavy.
She wasn’t sure and it was one of the first times she’d ever been so.
Instead, she climbed into Mira’s lap and rested against her chest. She
still loved that feeling of being Bah’s; she would remain Bah’s, no
matter the cost to her. She would never leave her, even though she
wanted to be with her Mama and Papa. She couldn’t do leave the one
person who never left. “Bah, I want to go home.”

“Home?” Mira asked in confusion. “Why now?”

Amelia bit her tongue to keep from crying. “Isn’t it time?” She
reasoned, believing that it was what Bah wanted to hear. “But I want
Mama and Papa to come with us.”

She pulled Amelia as tight as she could to her chest. In effect to
tighten the bond between them, to keep it from severing in the
newfound parenthood that was mesmerizing Amelia now. “Baby, I can’t
speak for them. You’ll have to ask them and understand if they can’t.”

“What if it’s not because they can’t.”

Mira understood. “You mean, if they won’t?” She felt her
granddaughter’s head bob forward. “Then you have to understand that it
doesn’t mean that they love you any less. It just will mean that some
sacrifices are too great for even those who we love.”

“Mama won’t say no,” Amelia had convinced herself and she was working
hard to convince Bah. “She looks at me so painfully. She’s afraid that
I’ll go away.”

“How do you know that?” She was stunned at the clarity of her words.
“You shouldn’t use that against her. She does love you and you know
that she’s guilty of leaving you.”

Amelia smiled to herself. And it was that reason that she wouldn’t say
no. “I don’t want to talk anymore Bah.” She climbed from her lap and
walked toward her room. She looked once over her shoulder. Bah was
holding her heart with her hand.

The phone rang only once before her mother’s voice came on the line.
She perked up immediately when she heard Amelia’s voice.

“Hi baby.”

Amelia had never liked being called baby but coming from her mother,
it was the sweetest thing she’d ever heard. She tangled the cord
between her fingers as she asked idle questions. Her Papa was not home
but her Mama would let him know that she wanted to speak to him. She
was also sad to not speak to Omri, who was at school. She was happy
that her mother wasn’t sick anymore, and felt assured when she said
that she wouldn’t be going back to the hospital anytime soon.

“I miss you so much.” Her mother said sadly. Amelia could almost feel
the tears that she knew were falling down her mother’s cheek. “My arms
are just itching to wrap around you.”

Amelia would love the same. She wanted to see her. She missed the
smell of her mother’s hair when she was snuggled up to her. “Can I see
you Mama?”

Her mother’s answer was eager. “Of course. Would you like Papa to come
and bring you here?”

Amelia was immediately disheartened. “I want to see you here,” she
told her. “You’ve never seen all my pretty dresses. And Bah’s chest
full of treasures.”

“No, honey I haven’t. I’d be delighted to see them.”

Amelia’s face brightened. She was about to start hopping up and down
on her bed until Bah peeked into her door. “Will you come today?”

“I will.”

“Soon?” Amelia asked eagerly, averting her eyes from Bah’s apparent disapproval.

“Of course. Just as soon as I can.” Her mother promised. “Will you let
me speak to Bah? Is she around?”

Amelia was hesitant to answer. She rolled her eyes and looked at Bah.
“Yes.” She handed her the phone and stepped back to hear the
conversation. Tapping her foot impatiently, Amelia listened to Bah try
to convince her Mama to stay in bed because the doctor’s had demanded
it. She felt a victorious shine light her face when Bah conceded and
said she’d see her soon.

“I know what you’re doing Bella. It’s not fair to her.” Mira said
hanging up the phone.

“She’s my mama too,” was her response before darting off to find
another chest that was far more prettier than her tea dress.

( )

“I don’t think that this is a good idea,” John told Marlena, clasping
their fingers together. They were driving together to the hotel where
Amelia was staying. It had taken a lot of pleading to convince John to
allow her to go. He had argued that Amelia was a child and she
shouldn’t be given so much power, but Marlena had pooh-poohed his
argument. She was determined to go with or without him.

“It’s the best idea. She wants to share her life with me.” Marlena
said taking a deep breath. Lately one or both of the twins had taken a
liking to being budged roughly against her organs. “Your children are
exasperating…just like their daddy.” She said with a wink. She guided
John’s hand to her stomach, encouraging him to rub. It was the first
time they had been alone together since he decided that he couldn’t
help get their past back. Marlena decided that her best chance at
getting him to agree was to do it slowly. “I have to work on getting
Amelia to welcome Belle and Brady. They could learn a lot from her.”

“Honey, Amelia is trying to find her place in your life. Belle and
Brady are threats to her.”

“I know that,” Marlena said, leaning into the headrest. “I just want
this to be over and easy.”

“It won’t be,” he said bring her fingers to his mouth. “You have to
take this slowly.” He rolled her fingertips across his lips.

“I don’t know if I can use my better judgment or even my patience. I
know my little girl is out there in the world, and all I want to do is
have her back.”

“You have to let her go at her own pace.”

“I let her go and now I want her back.” She said resolutely. “Do you
understand that? I would do anything asked of me just to get her
back.”

John turned toward her, “You don’t have to. She’s ours. We don’t have
to fight for something that is ours.”

Marlena nodded but felt something inside disagreeing. She wasn’t
theirs in the way that their other children were. There were pieces of
her that made her more Mira’s than anyone else’s. Pulling up to the
grand hotel, Marlena felt that feeling even more. It was a place that
Mira looked like she belonged in. She hadn’t prepared herself for
going into a place that Mira reigned queen. The bellhop said Mira’s
name with such pride that people could perceive her as royalty. He led
them to an elevator, the private entrance and pushed the button for
the floor where her daughter was waiting. John held her hand tightly
as they rode in silence. The chime of the elevator made her heart
jump.

“Are you okay?” John asked noticing her jitteriness.

“I’m fine.” She chided herself for being clumsily obvious. “Let’s go.”
They stepped from the elevator and walked to the only suite on the
floor. A large set of double doors opened and Mira appeared. She took
Marlena into her embrace and welcomed them in. She spoke curtly to
John and led them into the sitting room. “This is a beautiful room.
It’s gorgeous. It’s no wonder Amelia doesn’t want to leave it.” She
said. The awkwardness struck after and she squeezed John’s hand to
dissuade it. He helped her sit on the dark furniture in the middle of
the room. “Where is she?”

Mira smiled and pointed toward another room. “She’s preparing herself
for the performance. She is a bit theatrical.”

Marlena agreed but loved every bit of it. Her daughter’s imagination
was a welcome. She’d never seen a child with so much creativity
brimming in her every movement and word. “Shall I go to her?”

“No,” Mira advised, “she wants you to remain here.”

John and Mira shot awkward glances out of the corner of their eyes. It
was so clear that there was some shared DNA between the two of them.
With her dark curls, intense luminous eyes; she and John could be a
European royal family. “I have to warn you. This has a purpose.”

Amelia burst into the room with a frilly white dress on. The hem of
the dress, decorated in ribbons, pearls and netting dragged along the
carpet. Her hands were covered with white gloves; her head was graced
with a tiny tiara.

“Oh, I must introduce Princess Amelia Lemoyne.” Mira said with effect.
She raised her hands and clapped as Amelia paraded in front of them.

“Beautiful,” Marlena mouthed, clapping appreciatively. She watched as
Amelia pranced and curtsied before them. She was full of energy and
charm when she stopped in front of her grandmother and kissed both
cheeks politely. She then moved down the line to John, whose gaze
never left her. Amelia allowed him to lift her from the ground in
front of him to kiss her cheeks lightly. She said thank you, in French
and then proceeded on to Marlena. She stopped and stared intently at
her. Without a word, she lifted her arms and wrapped them around
Marlena’s neck.

“Mama, you smell so good.” She said nuzzling into her neck.

“Thank you. So you do.” Marlena whispered, as she wrapped her arms
around Amelia’s waist.

“Do you like my dress?” She asked stepping back and twirling around.
“I picked it for you. I’ve never worn it before.”

“It’s beautiful.” Marlena said reaching for her again. “You’re beautiful.”

“Like you,” Amelia said cupping her mother’s cheek. “Are you well? Do
the babies make you sick still?”

“No, I’m all better,” Marlena assured her. “Don’t worry.” She drew her
into her body and squeezed as tight as she could. Something about the
place that her daughter delighted in, the regality and opulence were
overwhelming. A little girl should have simple things like love and
siblings to keep them occupied. Looking around, Marlena realized that
that had never been the case. “Can I see your room?” She felt herself
ask, and she didn’t know why. She followed Amelia’s lead without
regard to John and Mira. Amelia walked her into the large hotel room
that was entirely her own. The bedding had been changed obviously to
fit the taste of a little girl. In the corner of the room was a large
dollhouse and four legged table with wooden chairs that had her named
carved in the board. The open walk in closet was filled with many
colors of clothes and shoes.

“This is a beautiful room honey.” Marlena said standing near the bed.
“Does your room back home look like this?”

Amelia nodded. “It’s bigger. I have a playroom with all my dollies. I
have a tearoom too Mama. It’s beautiful, like here, like you said.”

She is rather spoiled,” Mira said entering the room with John behind
her. “It’s entirely my fault. I gave her whatever she wanted in lieu
of the large family.”

Marlena nodded, feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the prospect of a
little girl being given so much. She had never spoiled any of her
children with anything except love.

“Look Mama,” Amelia said running to a chest of drawers. She lifted a
picture of John and Marlena and brought it to her. “It’s you and
Papa.”

John stepped forward and knelt beside Amelia. “Look at that. Where’d
you get it?”

“Bah Papa. Is this when I was inside Mama’s belly?”

John took the picture and examined it. It was a familiar one. It had
stood proudly on the mantel in the house when he was still Roman. He
was holding her from behind, with his hands clasped over her stomach.
And her face was full of happiness. “I think you could have been in
Mama’s belly; I don’t really know baby.”

“Well, I know.” Marlena took the picture from John and led Amelia to
sit on the bed. She put her in her lap and put the picture across
Amelia’s legs. “This was after Papa and I met, and fell in love. We
were so very happy with Eric..Omri and Sami, that we wanted to have
another baby.”

Amelia’s looked up, “Me?”

“Of course you,” Marlena told her smiling. “So Papa and I did
everything that we could to have you.”

“You made love,” Amelia questioned unabashedly.

John chuckled and walked to sit beside Amelia. “What do you know about that?”

“You know,” Amelia said raising her eyebrows. “Mon amour pour toi est
si grand que le Mond.”

Mira shook her head knowingly. “That means…”

John cut her off, “My love for you is as grand as the world.” He said
looking puzzled.

Yes. You and Mama’s love was grand, right? You loved so much that you made me.”

Marlena smoothed Amelia’s hair down. “Yes sweet girl. You were made in
absolute love.”

“And you still love me?” She said craning her neck sideways.

“Of course?”

Mira tried to dissuade Amelia with disapproving looks, but she wasn’t
budging. She continued. “Mama, if you love me…”

“There is no if baby girl; Mama loves you with all her heart.”

“Will you do something for me?”

“Anything.” Mira raised her eyebrows at Marlena’s declaration. “What
is it that you want from me?”

“I want to live with you.” Amelia offered.

Marlena’s heart leapt and she covered Amelia’s face and hair with
kisses. “I want you to live with me too honey. I’ve wanted that since
the moment I knew who you were.”

“Mama, I want you and me, and Papa to live together.”

John put his hand on Amelia’s back, brushing his lips against her forehead.

“Don’t mistake her,” Mira told them sadly.

“Mistake?”

“Marlena, she’s talking about home in Louisiana. She wants you all to
live on the plantation at our house.” Mira explained. “I tried to
dissuade her but as you’ll learn, she is very stubborn.”

“Is that what you want?” Marlena asked Amelia, turning her face to her’s.

Amelia shut her eyes and said yes very clearly.

“Honey, look at me.”

She obeyed. “Yes,” she said louder. “Can you and Papa come and live
with me and Bah?”

“Honey, we can’t,” John started without looking toward Marlena. “Our
life is here. Our family is here. We can’t just leave them behind.”

For me Papa?” She asked sadly. “What about for me?”

John took Amelia into his lap. “Do you know what responsibilities are?
You understand that word?” When she nodded, he continued. “Your Mama
and I love you very much. You are our responsibility but we have other
children who need us too. It wouldn’t be fair to go away and leave
them.”

“Bring them,” Amelia said in concession. “You can even bring the babies.”

Marlena shook her head sadly. “Baby, I know you want us to be with
you. But we’re your parents. You have to be with us where we are.”

“I won’t,” she said disagreeably. “I’m not going to live with you there.”

“There?” John said confused.

“At your house. I want my own room and my own things.”

“We can get a house with your own room and bring your things.” John offered.

“No.”

Mira broke into the conversation. “Don’t be so disagreeable Bella.
I’ve told you this.”

“They are mine.” Amelia said pounding her fist into the bed. She leapt
from John’s lap and stood in front of them. “You were never my
Mama…and you don’t want to be.”

Marlena shook her head frantically. She felt John rubbing her back,
advising her to remain calm.

“Bella, this is not good for you Mama. You have to stop acting so
disagreeable. They love you and it doesn’t take them moving away from
their lives to prove so. You mustn’t act this way.”

“No, I must. I don’t ever get to choose. Everyone chooses for me. I
never ask for much. I just want Mama and Papa with me.” Amelia argued
calmly. “It’s not much to ask.” She reasoned, not seeing the pain
anguishing her mother’s face. “I just want a real Mama and Papa, like
Belle and Omri. I want to be loved like that too.” She said before
walking out of the room.

Marlena fell hard against John’s shoulder and sucked in her breath.
How could anyone expect a child to understand things that they as
adults hadn’t grasped? Amelia was right. She had given up so much and
was never asked if it was okay with her. She did deserve all the
attention and love that had been given to the other children. It
wasn’t selfish of her to demand that. Marlena sat up and looked John
in his eyes. “We have to do this.”

“What?”

“We have to go there and make it right with her. We need to make it
okay for her to come home.”

“Be reasonable.”

“I don’t know how to be reasonable when my child is in such pain.
That’s all I can feel right now. She is a little girl. We owe her.”
Marlena said rising from the bed. “I’m going to do everything in my
power to right this wrong.”

Chapter 47

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or
present are certain to miss the future.”
– John F. Kennedy

“I sometimes think that I’m being punished,” Marlena said humbly, as
she lifted Amelia into a better position in her arms. Amelia had
fallen asleep there after reading her favorite story to her. Marlena
swept her hands down Amelia’s face, causing her eyelashes to flutter
against her fingertips. Amelia had fought a passionate battle for what
she wanted. She was tired; it was hard to remember that she was only a
little girl. But that she was. Amelia Lemoyne was exactly that–she
reasoned as a little girl would. Marlena understood what she had tried
in her child-like understanding to say.

“You’re not being punished,” Mira assured Marlena. She leaned against
the doorjamb. Her head hung low, as her spirits were. The situation
had finally come full circle. “I used to believe the same thing to be
true….when John was taken. Bad things often happen to good people. I
think often that there are lessons that God teaches us and we deny
ourselves learning from them.”

“Have you told Amelia about John’s life story?” Marlena wondered. The
special relationship between her daughter and Mira would seem to be
without secrets.

Mira whispered no. She hadn’t even had the fortitude to discuss her
son with friends. Losing him had been single handedly the most painful
moment in her life. To be a mother without a place to pour that spirit
into had been a horrible consequence of living without him. But Amelia
had done a wonderful job of filling the painful gap left by her
father’s absence. Over the years, Mira had even started to stop
feeling his loss so deeply. If she had known better, she would’ve said
that it was because his daughter had fulfilled her; she only knew so
as an afterthought. She shared a bond with Amelia that surpassed no
other and yet she knew that her story of John was too much for a
little girl to handle. “The only thing that Amelia has known about
John is what she knows now. I hadn’t told her about you all because I
didn’t know. I’m still sorting all of these things in my mind, dear.”

Marlena looked her daughter over. “Has she been a lonely child?”

“My pride would like to say no—I’ve been everything she needs. But ego
is rarely a truth teller.” Her thick accent dipped into the valley of
untapped emotion. She had been internalizing more than even she’d
realized. “I gave her a sense of family. It was the only thing I could
do. I reasoned that you loved your child but you just couldn’t be with
her for whatever reason. I took care of her because she needed me so.
Selfishly, I thought I was enough for her. At first, she didn’t care
about parents and siblings. She was a splendid child with a voracious
appetite for learning. And I was her entire world.” Mira reflected
sadly. So many things about her life would change. It was the first
time that she realized that Amelia wasn’t entirely all her own. “There
are so many stories to tell you precious. So many details that would
make a mother’s heart jump in her chest. I’m to blame for the defiant
child in your arms. Though she mirrors an angel now,” Mira said. She
didn’t want to impose on the closeness between Amelia and Marlena. Her
memory was further away; her mind even further. She had hoped that she
and John could discuss things but he’d gone without a word. “She is an
angel,” Mira continued as she walked to take a seat across the room.
“Pure and simple. There has never been a child like Amelia. I
delighted in that when she was all mine.” She hesitated. Mira’s eyes
slammed shut. She was determined not to cry. There was nothing to be
sad over; Marlena loved Amelia and John. This woman had been exactly
what Mira would’ve wanted in a woman that loved her family. She was
proud of the fact that Marlena Evans had loved her son and given her
such bountiful blessings in the form of Amelia, and Belle. She
appreciated her. She was also envious of her.

“This is so much to process. I know what I’m feeling; I can’t imagine
what that must be like for you Mira.” Marlena said. “Nobody can ever
take your place with Amelia.”

“Does that worry you?” Mira questioned looking directly at Marlena.
“Does it bother you that she wants to stay so connected to me?”

“No,” Marlena confessed quietly. “Though I am jealous but blame my
heart. I know what you mean to her and vice versa. You all have a
special bond. I just want to be something to her too.”

“You’re her mother. That surpasses everything and everyone else.” Mira
said, believing it wholeheartedly. “I wish I could offer you the
magical years of her life.” It had been such a beautiful display of
humanity. “What I remember plainly about Amelia is not the little girl
you’ve seen today. She is sweet and endearing. Her first word was
Azalea,” Mira recalled with a proud, wide smile. Her eyes creased at
the corner, revealing only a slight sign of age. Her raven tresses
framed her face.

“Azalea?” Marlena said, surprised. “That’s a strange first word.”

Mira chuckled lightly. She clapped her hands together, forming a
steeple. “Not for Amelia. We had Azalea bushes in the garden just off
the side of the house. She learned to walk there, in that rich soil. I
would take her there to sun her and show her the beauty of land.”

“How old was she when she learned to speak?”

Mira tilted her head thoughtfully.”Oh, just before her ninth month.
Walking came right after, there were no boundaries that Amelia
recognized after those accomplishments. She picked up French and
Spanish fairly easily.”

“That’s wonderful,” Marlena said kissing Amelia’s hair. She was
slightly purring in her sleep. “I see these hints of memory. It’s very
frustrating.” She sighed. “I can’t hold them once they come.”

“Your memory is protecting you.”

“Probably so…but I want to remember these things for Amelia’s sake.”

“I believe you will when the time is right.” Mira counseled. “Just as
I believe that John will come to me when the time is right—for him. I
would like to be selfish and demand that he speak to me now about what
he’s learned. I would love to know how he feels about that, also.”

Marlena felt sympathetic for her. Their roles were so similar. A child
who had been taken away, only to be rediscovered and still be unsure
of their places in their child’s lives. “I think what Amelia is
suggesting,” she ventured softly, “is understandable.”

“You’re speaking with your heart,” Mira said. “She is a child. Of
course she thinks the world is simple and without pain. Decisions that
are based solely on the happiness of one person often causes great
pain. She doesn’t realize that.”

“Doesn’t she know pain?” Marlena retorted sadly. “She’s been without
parents for her entire life.”

“But not without love,” Mira reminded her. “I’ve given her enough love
for two sets of parents.”

“I don’t doubt it Mira. And I’m not suggesting that you haven’t done
an excellent job of looking after her…but I’m thinking of her well
being.”

“What of your well being? Of your other children’s well-being? You
can’t think that it would be a good idea to drop everything and move
to Louisiana to fulfill a child’s demand?”

Marlena nodded. “I do. I have to.”

“At the sacrifice of all the others?”

“I wouldn’t be leaving them behind,” Marlena said. The thought hadn’t
struck her mind until Mira voiced it; but of course, she would bring
Belle and Brady. And Eric for that matter. They belonged to her; they
would have to go where she went. “I’m not thinking of only me; I’m
thinking of you and John. He would never let me go so far away without
coming with me. This is for you as much as it is for Amelia.”

“I’m not sure that’s true.”

“You’re probably right. I haven’t thought this completely through. I
don’t want the time to either.” She shifted Amelia in her arms. “I
honestly believe that it’s for the best. I want to be in the place
that I gave birth to Amelia in. I want to see the room and know what
emotions I went through while carrying her. I have to understand this
before I can put it back together again Mira.”

“The best thing is to sometimes let things fall back into place
themselves, without our interference. I know you want to heal
yourself; your job demands that you do so. I also know that you think
that falling into Amelia’s whims will give you favor with her. I’m
fighting myself against doing the same thing to win John. It’s hard to
look at your child and not see the love you wish was there.”

“Mira…”

She threw up her hands and stood to her feet. “I know. I would never
keep you from Amelia. If you must do this, then I’ll support you.”
Mira strolled toward the door. “A warning though—you’re past could be
better left exactly where it is. Good luck.”

Marlena nodded respectfully and watched Mira walk out of Amelia’s
room. She wasn’t thinking clearly; she didn’t want to think at all.
She wanted to stay with the emotions and instincts of her convictions.
John would have to understand. Selfishly, she knew deeply that he
could never let her go away with their babies and not be there. He’d
missed every important milestone of her pregnancy with Belle. He
couldn’t deny himself being there for their twins. That was the hope
she built her plan on; that his strong love would look beyond all of
his fear of learning about his past.

Breathing heavily, Amelia shuddered awake in her arms. She opened her
eyes searching her face frantically. “Mama?”

“I’m still here baby.” She cooed turning Amelia around fully. “What
was it? A bad dream?”

“Where is Papa?” She asked with her eyes volleying around the room.

“I love the way you say Papa,” Marlena said as she snuggled Amelia
close to her chest. Her daughter’s voice had a strong southern tinge
except when she said Papa. It sounded more French, Paw-paw. “Papa is
not here baby.”

“I want him to be here. I want you both,” she added throwing her arms
around her mother’s waist.

“I know you do. I’m here.” Marlena reassured Amelia. “Did you sleep well?”

Amelia shook her head grimly.

“Why not baby?”

“I dreamed a nightmare.”

Marlena wondered if she would ever speak as a five-year-old child
should. Most children would have articulated that they had had a
nightmare but Amelia’s European sensibilities gave her a language that
matched Marlena’s contemporaries. “Oh sweetie, I’m sorry that happened
to you. What did you dream?” She encourage as she stroked Amelia’s
hair. Listening to Amelia replay her dream, it dawned on her that
Amelia’s birthday was only a couple of weeks away. She’d only spent
one birthday with her child—the day of her birth; it was not something
that she could even recall. There was one memory that started out hazy
and then faded just as soon as it entered. As she consoled Amelia,
Marlena sensed a tiny flicker of a scent. It could be a memory but she
would have to question Mira to know. She remembered jasmine and white
cotton. And then the sound of a newborn crying. In her disjointed
recollections, Marlena recognized the sweet sound of Amelia as she
slithered out of her body. Was it a true memory?

“Mama?”

Marlena turned to Amelia. She had been lost in her own memory. “Can I
ask you something honey?” She smiled when Amelia nodded. “Will you
promise to be as honest as you can be with me?” Another curious
headshake. “Good. I want to know what it was like growing up with
Mira.”

Amelia widened her eyes considerably. The notion reminded Marlena of
John so much that she had to restrain herself from smiling. Amelia sat
up from her mother’s embrace and turned around to face her. Crossing
her legs Indian style, she slid her palms slowly down her legs. “Love
was alive,” she said vividly lifting her arms in front of her.
“Love is in the wind Mama. Did you know that? It happens all around
us. Love made you and Papa and that made me. I only remember love.”

Marlena dabbed at her eyes. “Really? That sounds like a beautiful way
to grow up. I wish Papa and I had been there.”

“You weren’t supposed to be,” Amelia told her plainly. “We are not in
control of what happens. It’s like the play about Fate.” She jammed
her finger into her mouth. It was the first time her mother had seen
her do anything remarkably child-like. “I can’t remember the name now
but I remember that everything happens because of fate.”

Mira interrupted, “Not always…sometimes very deliberate, pushy little
girls change things.” She came back into the room wagging her finger
at Amelia. “How’d you sleep?”

“I need the nightmare spray.” Amelia said standing to leap from the
bed. She hit the ground running and hopped into Mira’s open arms.

“Well precious, I left it back home. You’ll have to remember to say
your prayers before naptime next time.” Mira advised as she set Amelia
back on her feet. “Now, have you exhausted your Mama enough for the
day?”

Amelia frowned. “Have I Mama?”

“Of course you haven’t sweetheart. I’ve had a wonderful time with you.
Thank you for inviting me.”

She tugged on Mira’s arm. “Can Mama stay with us tonight?”

Mira crouched to Amelia’s height. “Precious…”

“It’s fine,” Marlena told Mira. “Come here sweetie; come and sit next
to Mama.” She lifted Amelia onto the bed and sat down beside her. “You
can ask me whatever you want.” She was ready to take some reign over
her child. “I’m going to make you two promises right now.”

“Promises are sacred.”

“I know,” Marlena said. “I’m going to talk to Papa about going home
with you. We won’t live there permanently. We’ll work those things out
soon.”

Amelia’s eyes were already brightened. “What’s two Mama?”

“I’m going to celebrate your birthday with you for the first time in your life.”

“Out of the shadows of darkness,” Amelia said mysteriously, “comes
power and love, and most of all beauty.”

Marlena sat silenced by the enormity of Amelia’s profound words.
“Where did you learn that?”

“I don’t remember but that’s too what my life was like with Bah.”

Chapter 48

All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act
without benefit of experience.
Henry Miller

Children need traditions and structure, especially a child as bright
and intuitive as Amelia. Marlena sat in awe of her child, of the
enormity of her grasp on life; she was stunned silent whenever Amelia
opened her mouth with maxims that great world thinkers could utter. In
the form of a small framed girl with blonde bouncy curls and stunning
blue eyes, Marlena sought redemption.

She spent hours with Amelia, at the little girl’s discretion. There
were teas around Amelia’s round table had in white gloves and frilly
dresses. There were also overnight visits that required patience on
John’s part because it required so much of Marlena’s time away from
him and the other children. Eric didn’t want to intrude on his little
sister’s bonding with their mother. He reasoned that he’d had more of
her than Amelia. Belle, due to her understandable non-vote in the
matter, toddled along quietly with Chelsea. Brady suffered the same
fate. Sami remained gone but not forgotten. Marlena told herself that
for now, Amelia as the priority was the only option; the others would
understand. She prayed that her sacrifices would pay off.

In the past week, Marlena had spent minimal time with Belle and Brady.
They’d barely seen her before she was up and out of the penthouse to
go back to Amelia. She would, when Amelia didn’t need her, come home
well after they were both tucked into bed.

It was John’s disappointment that she faced when she awakened. She
rolled over on her side to see him sitting against the headboard with
his head in his hands. Peering up, she managed a weak greeting. The
last conversation they’d had happened as she was walking out of the
penthouse. He asked when she’d be back and because she didn’t have an
answer, he’d stepped in front of her to stop her stride away. Amelia
needed her. That was the excuse she gave, without realizing that it
was just that—an excuse. He sighed uneasily and moved aside to let her
leave. She had crawled into bed after tiptoeing into Belle’s and
Brady’s rooms. He hadn’t been there.

“I think I know what you’re going to say,” she said curving her hand
over the slight swell of her belly. It seemed to grow overnight which
was remarkable to Amelia. Just the night before, Amelia had spent more
than an hour examining the roundness with her warm palms. She had also
asked questions that Marlena wasn’t prepared to answer for a
five-year-old. The tightness that had clinched her stomach when
Amelia’s questions flung forward gripped her stomach. She moved to sit
up but made it only as far as the pillow, where she propped herself up
on both elbows. “Before you say anything, before you give me the rules
and regulations that will govern my behavior for the next couple of
months with these babies, let me tell you this: I’m not willing to let
Amelia suffer anymore.”

John looked at her incredulously. “Do you think of me as some sort of dictator?”

“Not always.” She moved her hand against her lower belly unnoticeably.
She didn’t want to give John any ammunition against the heavy schedule
she’d been keeping with Amelia. It was only a twitch, she decided. “I
just know how you feel about your children. You’re protective.”

“And what about the mother of my children? Don’t I protect her too?”
He asked, his voice softer. “I love you as much as I love them, if not
more for protecting them inside of you.” His hand covered hers. “I’m
well aware that you’re a very intelligent woman. I respect that
honey.”

“There is a but…” her voice trailed off.

“You can’t keep one child happy while the others suffer honey. It’s
not fair to them. And they are such great kids that they won’t tell
you that. They know you.” He tucked her hand into his and brought her
knuckles to his mouth. “Eric loves you more than anyone in this world.
But he just got you back. He’s still going through this drug thing.
He’s a good kid but he messed up and he needs us to get him back on
track.” He didn’t give her a chance to respond. “Belle and Brady need
their mommy, too. I do the best I can with them but I’m still looking
for Sami. I’m not enough. They want you, they need you.” He let her
pull her hand away from him. “And what about Sami? Do you ever think
about her?”

“You’re an asshole.” She mouthed plainly. It pained her more than she
could voice that her little girl was off and missing in a place that
Marlena had no knowledge of. The time that she spent with Amelia
lessened the void of Sami’s absence. She didn’t need John’s reminder
akin to a to do list. She felt every part of John’s gentle criticism.
The mother in her was far more vulnerable than anyone realized. She
needed the children to love her. Amelia more than any of the others
because she had so little of Marlena.

“I’m right.” John said angrily. “You can’t do it all and you can’t do
it without rest.”

“What exactly would you like me to do John?” Marlena sat up sharply
and turned her back to John. Dangling her feet over the edge of her
side of the bed, she pressed her palms into the mattress on each side
of her thighs. “Would you like me not to go when she calls? To take
one more person from her that she is learning to count on?”

His answer was to touch her back silently.

Drawing away from his hand, she leaned forward. “You don’t have the
answers either. None of us knows what to do in this situation. We
don’t have a learning curve.” Her voice grew thin with anger. She
whispered his name. The anger threatened to break but she held herself
at bay. Anger didn’t help any of them. “You know how much I miss and
love Sami. I don’t deserve that.”

“Neither do we. We don’t deserve to be…”

“I haven’t done anything to you or them. I’m being the mother that my
child needs. I love my child.” She paused for a beat. The hairs rose
on the back of her neck. “What I don’t understand is why you don’t.”

“Love Amelia?” He asked quietly. “You think that I don’t love her?”

“I don’t know what to think.”

“Don’t think for me.”

Marlena felt his weight lift from the mattress behind her. She refused
to turn around and see him walk out of the room. The sounds of his
heavy footfalls were evidence. In the distance, she heard Belle’s soft
crying. She clutched her mouth. Fierce tears burned her throat and
broke through her closed eyes. Marlena rushed toward her little girl.
She stopped in the door at the sight of John lifting Belle into the
safe haven of his arms. Belle’s head dropped quickly to his chest, her
cries abated by the safety of her daddy’s arms. She stuck three
fingers into her mouth.

Marlena told herself that Belle wouldn’t remember not having her
around for the little bit of time that she’d been away. She would
never leave her the way she’d left Amelia. She wouldn’t have to make
up the time that Amelia needed because Belle would forever remain with
her and her father. That she was sure of.

“Is she okay?”

John turned, startled by Marlena’s presence. “She’s fine, aren’t you
baby?” He kissed the fuzzy thatch of Belle’s crown.

“She looks fine, especially in your arms.”

John acknowledged her small concession with a tilt of his head. He
patted Belle’s back softly. “Sami used to be this small. Remember?”
His eyes clouded in the slight light. “That first night?”

Her eyes brightened. “When I brought you home to our house? She was
missing a daddy in her life.” They had both been missing something.
For Sami, it had been a masculine grip on her back, the way John was
holding onto Belle. For Marlena, it was being held in somebody’s arms
at night. “You weren’t quite sure of yourself and how you figured into
her life.”

“I managed to become a sort of dad to her.”

Marlena flinched at the description. She shook her head. “You are her
dad. That’s why I know that you’re going to bring her home to me.”

“I’m doing everything in my power to do that.”

“I know.” Marlena allowed. She crossed the threshold to kiss Belle.
She lingered near her for a second. “I’m sorry I called you an
asshole. I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes you did, and I’m probably going to be a lot more assholes.”

“Why?” She wondered curiously, wanting to put the harshness away.

“Because, I’m not going to be quiet while you overwork yourself and
neglect the babies.”

“John?”

“No.” He said resolutely. “I think you should stay home today.”

“I can’t.” Marlena turned away. “I’m going to Amelia.”

“Not today.”

She walked away. He followed, calling after her firmly. His words and
the tone of his voice didn’t deter her. She only walked harder away.
When she reached her bedroom, he wrapped his fingers tightly around
her forearm. “John, are you manhandling me? Because in the past, I
think I’ve made that that particular brand of communication makes me
very uncomfortable. I can talk to you without…” her voice followed the
path of her eyes. Dim and shifting sadly toward John and Belle’s
faces. “It’s her birthday John.”

He reacted slowly to the news. Sadness crossed his features and he
lifted Belle higher on his chest. “I didn’t….”

“That’s why I have to go.”

When she climbed into the elevator leading to Amelia’s suite, John,
Belle, and Brady were behind her. John had been immediately remorseful
about not remembering Amelia’s birthday. There wasn’t any excuse that
he could give for not wanting to celebrate his child’s birth. She had
already spent five years away from them; he realized more than anyone
else did how much that wasn’t her fault.

John reached for Amelia first. He knelt low and lifted her into his
arms, squeezing her as tightly as he had done Belle. Brady looked on
in wonder, holding onto Marlena’s hand while Belle lay napping cradled
against her chest.

Amelia’s face flushed crimson when John finally settled her on the
ground in front of him. He twirled her curls between his thumbs as
they locked gazes. She looked confounded and slightly unsettled. Love
and sadness were powerful lessons for any person to experience. She
was no different. But in her father’s face, the little girl recognized
what made mother smile. Her father’s eyes swam with love and
affection. He took her hand and held it over his heart.

“How is my birthday girl?”

“I’m fine Papa.” She flashed a wide smile. “I didn’t know you were
coming with Mama.”

“I didn’t know either kid, but I’m here now.” He pulled her into his
body and squeezed her again. “So you’re six years old? That’s almost
old enough for marriage.”

Amelia rewarded her parents with her infectious laughter. She looked
up at her mother and rolled her eyes playfully. “Papa’s funny Mama.”

“Am I?” John asked tickling her. “Do you mean to tell your Papa that
little boys aren’t lined up to marry my little girl?”

Marlena watched the two of them, grateful for the easy rapport
developing between them. “Your Papa is silly. I’m not letting you or
your sister marry any boys until I’m well beyond my years. And I don’t
think Brady will let his sisters either.” The little boy at Marlena’s
side nodded in agreement.

Amelia curved her arms around her father’s neck and kissed his cheek.
“I’m glad you’re here Papa.”

“Me too baby.” He lifted her again and carried her to Marlena. They
exchanged children with small grins plastering their faces. “I’m going
to put Belle down if that’s okay.” He said to Mira, who had been
watching them in silence. The uncomfortable relationship between Mira
and John was tangible.

“Baby, you should say hello to your brother Brady.” Marlena suggested.
She kissed Amelia’s hair and put her on the ground beside her son. The
two children looked each other over suspiciously.

Amelia inched closer to Brady. The little boy responded to his sister
first with a quick hug. Amelia looked up for her mother’s approval
before taking Brady’s hand into her own. Their initial meetings were
tepid. Marlena wanted them to mesh well, and quickly. But she knew
with Amelia’s sensitive attachment to her, it would take time for her
to feel comfortable around her siblings. Seeing the close relationship
between Marlena and the other children hadn’t been a positive thing
for Amelia. Marlena was aware of her disgruntled reactions to her
siblings. But a hug was a good start.

Mira walked back into the room with John at her side. Marlena never
quite knew how to greet the older woman. She felt at times that she
should embrace her, while other times she felt as if she should bow
and kiss her hand. Her beautiful face never ceased to amaze Marlena.
Or the way she carried herself.

Amelia tugged eagerly on her mother’s hand to gain her attention.
Brady broke away from Marlena to scurry to his father. “Mama, I have a
surprise for you.”

“I love surprises.” Marlena said sitting down to pull Amelia into her
lap. “What is it sweetheart, tell Mama your surprise.”

“Perhaps you should wait until we’ve had dinner Amelia,” Mira
suggested. She turned to John with a serious face.

“No,” Amelia said sweetly. “I have to tell you now, don’t I Mama? I’ve
made you curious. Right?”

“Yes you have honey. So tell me.”

Amelia ran her fingers in a quick motion across her mother’s belly.
The babies that she would be a big sister to often caught her
attention. She was fascinated by the idea of babies being in her
mama’s belly. She lifted the hem of her mother’s shirt and cupped her
hand against the skin there. “Can we have the babies at LeMoyne?”

“Is that the surprise?” Marlena asked her daughter, confused. “LeMoyne?”

“Our estate,” she mustered proudly. “It’s like I’ve told you. A lot of
room for babies to grow up, like me Mama. Ciel promised to help me get
your room together. She will have a room for the babies too. Brady can
come.” Amelia threw her brother a stale smile.

“Honey?”

“We’ve been called home.” Mira clarified. Her skirts twirled elegantly
as she walked across the room to take a seat. She avoided John’s rigid
glare. He was so untrusting of her. It was bothersome but not more
than the look on Marlena’s face. “I suggested to Amelia that she stay
behind with you all.”

“I won’t stay without Bah,” Amelia stated. “Mama, you’ll come. That
can be my birthday. You’ll never have to get me another gift for the
rest of my life.” She said putting her finger on her chin. The move
was so like Marlena that she crushed her daughter against her chest.
“I really don’t mean that. I would still want gifts, but I want you to
come home with me.”

“Why must we you go now?” John said stepping into the middle of all
three of them. Brady hung back against the wall. “What is so important
that a couple of weeks won’t be enough for Marlena and Amelia to get
settled here.”

“Papa,” Amelia interrupted, her teeth marking her bottom lip, “Mama
said she would come with me. You can come too.”

John knelt eye level to Amelia. “You’re so sweet.” He stroked her
cheeks, noticing for the first time that she had a trail of brown
freckles on the bridge of her nose. “But you’re also a little girl.”

“I’m six.” She showed the right amount of fingers.

“Still a little girl. You shouldn’t be given the power to dictate your
life.” He shot a bitter look over his shoulder at Mira. “Your Mama is
having babies. She can’t just go away. I want her to be safe and well
taken care of. Do you understand?” He asked scanning Marlena’s tight
face.

“No. Why can’t she take care of me now? Bah is only my grandmother.
Isn’t it your turn—yours and Mama’s turn to take care of me.” She said
with impressive wisdom.

“Yes.” John agreed. He ran his hand down his chest. “It is time but we
have to do that here. What about your brother Brady over there? And
Eric? Belle? They need Mama just as much as you.”

Marlena didn’t have the nerve to say was raging through her. It was
upsetting to make Amelia feel like she wasn’t allowed to want her
parents. It didn’t send a good signal to their daughter that they were
in disagreement. Marlena had told her that she would go to LeMoyne
with her. She just wasn’t ready to go just then. “John.”

“Come here Amelia.”

Marlena reluctantly let her little girl slip from her lap to John. She
watched as Amelia took her father’s hand. John sat next to Mira and
lifted Amelia to his lap.

“Mama wants to make you the happiest little girl in the world. I do
too. I want you to have us all.”

She shook her head. Her eyes focused on Mira. It wasn’t what they had
promised her. They promised her that her Mama was going to be all hers
in her favorite place. She wanted her Mama to go home with her. The
tears were a surprise to both her and Bah. She tried to concentrate on
Bah’s face, the way she’d been taught when she needed to be strong. It
wasn’t that she wasn’t allowed to not cry. She just didn’t like doing
what other kids did. Crying was not her forte. She slammed her hands
against the traitorous tears and dropped her head. Her father’s hand
rubbed up and down her back and she leaned hard against his chest.

“Bella, don’t be sad. Comme il faut.”

Amelia looked up at her grandmother with her eyes narrowed. “Je m’en
fous.” She said forcefully. She leapt from her father’s lap. Her legs
sprinted toward the suite door.

The three adults watched as Amelia turned blazed from the room without
looking back. Marlena reacted first, running after her. Mira stopped
her in her tracks.

“She’s only going to sit and stew with Yohan, the doorman. She’ll be fine.”

Marlena looked unsure. She reached the door, opening it to her
daughter and the polite doorman. Slightly appeased at her daughter’s
angry face, she asked if she could speak with her.

“Not now Mama. I’m upset. I like to be alone when I’m upset.”

“Who are you upset with honey?”

“You Mama.” She said without blinking. “Can I be alone?”

“It’s your birthday. I didn’t come to upset you Amelia. I want to
spend time with you. Come back inside.”

Amelia turned away. “Mama, Bah wouldn’t want me to. I said something
very rude. I’ll get timeout, so I think I want to think about it out
here.” She sounded mature. Her folded arms meant that she wasn’t
moving, not even at her mother’s tender urging.

“She’s fine m’am.” Yohan assured her.

“Okay, but I’ll be here until you are ready to talk to me again.”
Marlena said leaving Amelia alone. She closed the door behind her and
looked to John. Mindful of Brady’s presence, she decided not to speak
loudly. “You don’t have a right to make her feel bad.”

“Rights? Are we talking about rights?” He asked her incredulously,
though it was more for Mira’s sake. “I am Amelia’s father, even though
she doesn’t seem to care about that. Somebody has to realize that
she’s a child.”

“She’s a fragile child.” Marlena said breathing heavier. “Don’t make
her feel like she’s imposing on me or her siblings. She’s not.”

“This is impossible.” Mira interceded. “This is nobody’s fault. She
can’t help the way she feels anymore than Marlena can John.” It was
still hard to say his name. “You can be upset if you want, but it
doesn’t help the situation. You are her parents, I’ve never disputed
that fact. But I am the only person who has ever taken care of her.
Think about what happens to her if she’s not with me.”

“I’d rather think about what you would do if she weren’t. Is this
really about her? Have any of you thought about that? Who does it
benefit if Amelia isn’t given everything she asks for?”

“John, don’t interfere.” Marlena told him loudly.

“Mama no yell.” Brady said from his corner of the room. He looked from
his father to his mother before running to her open arms.

“I’m sorry honey.” She scooped him up and held him close. He wasn’t
hers but she couldn’t live without him in her life. He was a part of
her life because John had chosen her to be his new mother. John, who
gave himself until he couldn’t tell the difference between her soul
and his. That was the John she needed in the room with her. That John
would look at their child and know what needed to be said. But he was
angry at her for seemingly caring too much. “You can’t ask me not to
do this.”

John exhaled loudly. “You’re going, aren’t you?”

“If it’s any consolation, I tried to make Amelia stay.” Mira offered
contritely. “I really want her to be yours fully.”

“I believe you Mira.”

Mira nodded and her eyes shifted from John to Brady. She hadn’t
realized how much the young boy resembled his father. The same vibrant
eyes. She longed to reach out and bring him into her arms but she held
back. John wouldn’t want it. “I have to leave tomorrow. A close friend
has passed on. Amelia and I have to take our places in the service.
It’ll be a grand affair.”

Marlena pressed her lips together. “I’m so sorry.”

“It wasn’t unexpected. She’s fought cancer for a number of years. This
home going has been in the works for five years. It’s why Bella is so
determined to get home. She has been given a duty. Duty is important
to us.” Mira explained, straightening her arms at her sides. “I have
to get her affairs in order also.”

“You don’t have to explain anymore. I’d like to help Amelia with this.
I’d like to go with you all tomorrow.” Marlena said without looking to
John. She wasn’t looking for his approval. She could do this for their
child.

Mira reached and grabbed Marlena’s hand. “Thank you. You’re a
beautiful soul. So kind.”

Marlena shook her head shyly. She was doing it selfishly. She wanted
Amelia. And if Amelia wanted LeMoyne and Mira, then she’d go along
with her.

“Shall I tell Amelia?” Mira questioned.

“She is taking a moment to herself. Apparently she’s angry with us and
can’t discuss it.” Marlena said, looking sideways at John. Their
little girl was a lot like her father. “What did she say to you? In
French? She said it was a little rude.”
Mira couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “I told her that it is as it
must be to which she responded harshly that she didn’t care. The
French would consider it at the level of not giving a damn, as you
say.”

Marlena didn’t think it was amusing. “Really?”

“Don’t worry. She’s not usually so tart tongued.”

Marlena sighed. “This isn’t going to be easy. I know that.” She turned
to John. “I know it’s going to be challenging for us. But I can’t do
it if you don’t help me.”

“What’s my role here? Has there been one assigned to me yet?”

“John, don’t be an asshole.”

“I told you,” he said grinning lightly.

Amelia pushed into the room before Marlena responded. She stopped
mid-room and looked the three adults over. She paused briefly on Brady
draped in her mother’s arms. She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for
being rude.”

“I know you are,” Bah said firmly, “but you are never to speak that
way to me or your parents. That is not a sign of good breeding.”

“Honey, I don’t think it’s appropriate to speak rudely to adults.”
Marlena said. “It doesn’t make me happy to hear such rude things from
a beautiful girl’s mouth.”

Amelia put her hand on her hip. “Do you even know what I said?”

“I explained.” Mira told Amelia.

“I won’t say it again. But you all were being disagreeable. I just
want Mama to come home with us. I’ll even let Belle come.”

“Honey, you can’t bargain with us. We’re the adults.” Marlena
explained gently. “You don’t have to do anything for me to be with
you. I want to be with you.”

“Papa doesn’t want you to be with me.”

John was shocked. “Papa never said that at all. Amelia, I just want
you with me, all of us together. I want Mama and you and the rest of
our family together.”

“We can’t be together now,” She said prophetically. “I have to have
Mama before you can, before anyone can. She can’t be happy….she needs
me to be happy too.” No truer words had ever been spoken from a little
girl’s mouth. She understood exactly what was going to happen. She saw
the way her mother’s eyes followed her. “She’s going to come home with
me. Isn’t she?”

Chapter 49

“There was a time when we were not: this gives us no concern – why
then should it trouble us that a time will come when we shall cease to
be?”
–William Hazlitt

Marlena had never been particularly religious. She prayed regularly
and believed that there was a higher power but the ritualistic avenues
that most people sought to assert their faith were a mystery to her.
When Mira described the funeral proceedings prior to their touching
down in Louisiana, as merely a celebration of life, it didn’t resonate
that it would be such a celebration. The simplicity of the four-walled
room of the church house was of no indication either. Quaint, it was
also filled with tangible history that Marlena felt deep within her
bones. The church pews were shiny wooden seats that held plaques on
each arm. Names that were French and Acadian revealed the deaths and
lives of many members. She wondered if they had had such a service as
the one she was participating in.

She’d never seen anything so spectacular. Everything else, all the
tension that she’d left behind with John and their children to leave
with only Mira and Amelia, was thrown completely from her mind. The
one request that she fulfilled was John’s urging Laura to travel with
her. Being the friend that Laura was, she came with no questions.

The celebration of life replaced her somber feelings. In the tiny
church in the quaint neighborhood with multi-colored houses that
formed a perfect rectangle around the church, Marlena sat beside Laura
and Mira, holding Amelia on her lap. The music was mesmerizing. A
chorus of well-harmonized voices sang a song she’d never heard before,
“Walk around Heaven.” They were clad in white, billowy robes of
magnificent regality. As they swayed from side to side, Amelia
followed their rhythm in her lap. Her daughter’s cheerful demeanor
matched the mood in the church. There were no tears, not from Mira,
who read a rousing eulogy of her friend Calpernia Boulie, or the
myriad of mourners who passed by the casket with flowers and kind
words.

Much beloved by the community, Calpernia had been a maven who
surrounded herself with people who were not her children. Without a
family of her own, she’d been a mid-wife since her early teen years,
Marlena learned, as Mira touted the achievements over Calpernia’s
casket. She had been a beautiful woman with white hair that now
shrouded her head like a pillow. Marlena would later learn that it was
Mira who financed Calpernia’s birthing center, where she had brought
seasoned techniques of birthing into the modern world. It was also
Calpernia who had helped Mira bring Amelia into the world. A fact that
Marlena was not aware of.

When the funeral concluded, Marlena stood entranced with Amelia
clutching her hand. Laura raised her eyebrows and gripped Marlena’s
arm. They were both out of their realm of familiarity. Her touch, the
connection between them soothed the unspoken anxieties.

A herald of brass instruments lined up at the door of the church and
started playing a hymnal she’d recalled from childhood, “Just a Closer
Walk With Thee,” as they carried Calpernia’s casket down the aisle.

“It’s Mama Cal’s favorite song,” Amelia told her mother, eyes widening
in excitement. She tugged her hand to lead her out of the church doors
behind the pallbearers carrying the casket. The sight just outside the
doors astounded her. “It’s a parade Mama. You see those men,” Amelia
directed her finger to a line of men carrying instruments. “Mama Cal
was a member of their special club. She made them promise to wear
white.” Her headshake affirmed her pleasure in them granting one of
Calpernia’s last wishes.

“It’s wonderful honey.” She kneeled eye level to her daughter, gliding
her hand along her tresses as she did. “Is anyone sad?” She wondered
looking around. “Why don’t they cry for Calpernia?”

Amelia threw her arms around Marlena’s neck. “Because,” she whispered,
tilting her head against Marlena’s neck. “You only cry when babies are
born. You have to be happy when you leave this world.” Amelia pulled
back from her mother. “You get to see God’s face. That’s as happy as
anyone can be.” Her voice echoed a pure confidence that exuded her
age. Her eyes strayed to the parade starting up. They had placed
Calpernia’s soft white casket in a glass carriage pulled by two
horses. “It’s going to take her to her resting place. Godspeed Mama
Cal.” She said bringing to fingers to her lips before she turned them
away, pointing toward Calpernia’s departing casket.

“That was a fascinating service,” Marlena said, drunk from her
participation in a New Orleans funeral. The sounds of the jazz band
still rung within the shell of her ears as they rode away from the
cemetery. “It was wonderful.” Her hands rubbed her stomach to calm the
rowdy twins circling in their sacs.

“She wanted it just so,” Mira said touching her hand to the window.
She hadn’t said much since they’d left Calpernia at the cemetery. “She
was a good and faithful friend.” Her eyes strayed to the other side of
limousine. “It’s was wonderful for you to come here. Now you’ll see
why Amelia, the little Bella is so different from other children.”
Mira smiled and opened her arms for Amelia to enter.

Amelia looked up from her grandmother’s chest. “Are you sad Bah? Do
you wish Mama Cal was still here?”

Mira chuckled. “I believe that’s what I’m feeling. Certainly, she
wouldn’t want to be here. She would say, ‘Mira, take that sad spirit
out of your pocket. I’m shouting with the Lord.’ God bless her and
Godspeed.”

Laura pressed her hand to Mira’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about your friend.”

“Thank you. But she wasn’t a friend; no, I think she was more than
that. There couldn’t be a word in any language to define what
Calpernia was for me. I’d resigned myself to losing her so, that I
started to treat her as if she was already gone. She got me through a
lot, especially when my son was kidnapped.”

Amelia eyes snapped to her grandmother’s face. “Kidnapped? Papa?”

Marlena sensed the determination mounting in her daughter. “Amelia.”
It was the first time she’d used a firm voice with her. She wasn’t
prepared to explain to her little girl the hardships that her family
had fought. Marlena wanted to have a few peaceful days with Amelia in
her surroundings. She’d fought John and her doctor to do so. She
promised both that she’d be fine, and John promised that he would
bring Belle and Brady to New Orleans when it was possible. It wasn’t
the best solution, but it was the only one that worked. “Are you still
going to show me your favorite places?”

Amelia shook her head hesitantly.

Marlena read her face. “What is it sweetie?”

“Papa? I want to know—kidnapped….isn’t that what you said Bah?”

“I did Cher but now is not the time, now you have to tell your Mama
all about LeMoyne.” Her mouth turned upward as the sight of her home
struck her. It had been a long time.

Marlena’s eyes followed the path of the limousine that had turned off
a busy road. “This is it,” she whispered when the large plantation was
in full view. A flash of being there struck her suddenly. She slammed
her eyes closed to keep it from disappearing. Night shrouded her
memory; her heavy breathing, and pain that burned in her legs from
running.

“Marlena.” Mira called out, noticing the tight line of her frame.
“Marlena,” she said again after no response.

Amelia climbed from Mira’s lap and slid onto her mother’s. She touched
her cheek until her mother’s eyes opened again. She leaned against the
swell in her stomach. “Mama, are you dreaming awake?”

“No, I’m remembering. I was here….I remember either coming or going
from here.” Her body trembled and she wrapped her arms around Amelia.
“Baby, I’m so happy to be here with you.” She wanted to change the
momentum and not frighten Amelia. She was giving her the opportunity
to be a little girl, if not just for a few moments. She jerked when
the car stopped rolling. The long drive that they’d followed was a
tree-lined path of oaks on either side. It was a beautiful picture of
nature and landscape. She craned her neck to see the large white
columns and the massive stairwell of the porch. “This is beautiful.”

“It is.” Laura confirmed climbing out of the car with Mira at her
side. She shielded her eyes from the sun and looked upward. “Amelia,
you have a wonderful home, here.”

Amelia, not quite sure of Laura’s place in her life, shook her
shoulders skeptically. She took her mother’s hand and pulled her to
the stairwell.

“Don’t tug on your Mama so,” Mira demanded. She led the group up the
stairs onto the wraparound porch. “We used to have tea right there,”
she said pointing to a corner filled with a white wicker table and
chair set. “Cal loved nights on this plantation. She loved everything
about it.”

“And she loved you,” Raysa said opening the door to them. She stepped
onto the porch and wrapped her arms around Mira first. They held each
other in silence as Marlena and Laura watched in awe. Doctors who were
using their reasoning skills to guide their way through the unfamiliar
territory. The women were both exceptionally beautiful but the sadness
in their faces was evident to even unskilled people. The friendship
was evident and it was obviously wrapped up in the sadness and mystery
of losing loved ones. Marlena knew very little of Raysa, but by the
look of her daughter’s face when she wrapped her arms around Raysa’s
thin waist, she was obviously a much-admired friend.

“How is the little princess doing?” Raysa inquired, curtseying in
front of a smiling Amelia. “How we have missed you. Ciel is waiting
for you in the kitchen.”

Amelia looked to her for permission to descend upon the house. With a
nod, she burst forward, leaving her mother and Laura with Raysa and
Mira.

Laura stepped forward to break the awkward silence. “Laura Horton.”
She extended her arm toward Raysa who politely shook her hand.

“Raysa Bordeaux.”

“She’s like a sister to me dear,” Mira invoked, wrapping her arms
behind Raysa’s waist. “We’ve been through fire and brimstone
together.” They gave each other a knowing look.

“And you must be Marlena,” Raysa said settling her eyes on the
beautiful blonde before her. Her picture was beautiful but it hadn’t
done real justice to her beauty. The warm, smiling face before her
offered a hand that she gladly accepted. She’d glimpsed this paragon
of perfection in a photograph at Mira’s urging. But she had never been
too curious about a woman who would abandon her child so carelessly to
the hands of a stranger. Raysa had secretly judged her callous and
unloving, until she’d laid eyes on her standing at the bottom of the
porch. From the house, Raysa had peered at Marlena climbing from the
car with Amelia beaming. It was impossible not to feel sorry for her,
mostly because she was pregnant again and it just seemed out of sorts
to feel ill will toward a woman carrying life.

She’d heard the stories told from Mira’s standpoint before and now
after. They spent hours on the phone discussing what could happen now
that Amelia’s mother was claiming her as her own. Raysa worried what
it could do to her best friend, her sister in spirit because she above
anyone else knew what Amelia had done for her, for both of them
really. Amelia was their saving grace, and now they would have to
share her with the beautiful mother who had abandoned her years
before.

“I am. It’s wonderful to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you from my
daughter.” Raysa liked the way that sounded, even if she still felt
pangs of jealousy. She liked that Amelia belonged to someone other
than them now.

“She gives me angel’s wings when a devil’s tail would suffice.” Raysa
said laughing. The sun had added a golden tint to her skin. She was in
her element. Draped in white, as was expected of the funeral goers.
The white contrasted with the soft auburn curls that framed her oval
face. “The white adds a certain ethereal quality that is not all
together true.”

“Oh, are you a bit of a hell raiser?” Laura asked lifting her brows
and tilting her mouth into a grin.

“I can be, when pushed. But today, I’m just an old lady who speaks
before she thinks. Forgive me. Come….come inside.” Raysa said ushering
them into the mansion.

Mira laced her arm through Marlena’s. “I want to show you something.
Raysa will you show Laura where she’ll be staying. Get Jefferson to
bring their bags in. Jefferson’s the majordormo.”

“Majordormo?” Laura repeated. “You have a household staff that
requires a majordormo?”

Raysa clutched Laura’s arm. “I’ll tell you all about it.” She said
with a sly grin, as she pulled her away.

What surprised Marlena first, upon entering the room that Mira led her
to, was the smell. The potent smell of fresh jasmine aroma dampened
the air. The way her mind raced frightened her. The glimmer of pain
struck her stomach, but it wasn’t present. The babies weren’t moving
or in distress. It was a memory. As a psychiatrist, she knew that
smells could trigger memories in the right environment. And it was
then that she felt her heart thumping against her chest. It was then
that she recalled the canopy bed in the center of the large,
high-walled bedroom—being there while in labor with Amelia.

“Marlena?” Mira’s voice was only an echo to Marlena. She walked three
steps ahead of Mira, turning sharply around when another memory broke
through. “Marlena?”
Marlena closed her eyes. She gripped the poster of the bed until her
knuckles turned white. The pain had been sudden. She’d been in the
garden with Mira, planting rows of colors to brighten the doom in
Marlena’s face. Bending low, she felt the dam burst between her legs.
Marlena clutched her stomach where the twins were now. No pain, yet
she felt phantom pangs as she allowed the memory to wash over her.
Mira’s slender fingers clasping over her shoulders pulled her from the
memory. She opened her eyes. Tears rolled on both sides of her cheeks,
meeting under her chin. “I had her here,” she said deducing rather
than memory, “in this room.” The memories were still blocked but she
was hopeful that it would all come back to her.

“You did.” Mira confirmed as she laced her arms around Marlena from
behind. Her chin rested in Marlena’s shoulder. “You had her right here
in this room with me and Cal. Do you remember that?”

“I remember the garden.”

“Yes, we were working there that morning.” Mira said trying to help
her fill in the blank spots. “You’d been so sad since coming to
LeMoyne. I’d just gotten to the point where you would come out of your
room for supper with me. Before that, you stayed to yourself. You were
a tough egg to crack.”

“Nut?” Marlena said turning around to face her. There was a small
smile adorning her lips.

“I’m European.” Mira said chuckling. “Whatever the case, you were all
of them. Quiet. The only person you talked to was Amelia. Oh, you’d
sit for hours and caress your stomach. I worried for you because, you
were afraid for her.”

“I wish I could tell you why—tell us both why.” She cried biting into
her lip. “It’s challenging looking at her, knowing that I can’t give
intimate details of her birth like I can with the other children. I
want to give that to her.”

“You will.” Mira assured her with a tight hold.

“Excuse me.” Laura interrupted from the doorway. Raysa shadowed her
lithe frame. “How is everything going here?” She saw the change in
Marlena’s face. The crimson nose. Her smudged eyes. “Is this where
you’ll be staying? It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

“It’s a dream, but I want to stay near Amelia.” Marlena told the three
faces waiting for her response. She shot Laura a look that made her
friend walk to her. When Laura inquired about her state of mind under
her breath, Marlena nodded slightly. “Where is Amelia?”

“Making her rounds still,” Raysa said. “I’m going to check on dinner.
We’ll be eating on the veranda out back. Settle in.” She called over
her shoulder as she departed.

“Let me show you to your room,” Mira offered Marlena. “It’s next door
to Amelia’s.”

Laura took a forward approach. “I’ll be happy to do so. Maybe you’d
like to get settled yourself. I think I have the lay of the land
semi-memorized.” Laura’s knack for being ever so polite and helpful
brought an instant smile to Mira’s face.

“Do so then Laura. I want you all to occupy this house as if it’s your
home.” Mira told them. She kissed Marlena’s forehead and tipped
Laura’s face downward, dropping a kiss on her cheek.

Marlena stopped Mira by grabbing her wrist. “Thank you. I appreciate
everything you’ve done for us.”
“Don’t thank me. I’m doing this for purely selfish reasons.” She said
winking. Her long skirt swished behind her as she walked out of the
room.

“Call John.” Laura said without missing a beat. “He made me promise
that when we were settled that I’d make sure that you did.”

Marlena rolled her eyes. “Laura, I’m not going to check in with him.
Besides, the last time I spoke to him, it was contentious. I don’t
want to revisit that.”

Laura led her by the shoulders to the large bed behind them. She
pushed her to sit down and plopped down beside her. “Honey, this is
going to be tough enough on all of you. I know John; he’s probably
going out of his mind worrying about you. Call him.”

She shrugged in defeat. Marlena knew that her best friend was far from
wrong. Even if John were still upset with her for leaving, they would
have to deal with each other. She called, albeit begrudgingly.

John answered the phone in living room of the penthouse. He was
watching Brady sail across the landing near the hallway with Eric at
his heels. The commotion almost made him miss Marlena’s voice. “Baby?”

“Hi John.” She pulled the phone from her mouth, shielding it with her
hand to hear Laura whisper that she’d be downstairs. “How are the
children?”

“Eric and Brady are tossing a football around the living room,” he
said smiling boldly. “I think I saw a vase or two crash to the floor.
I promised I wouldn’t tell you…but”

“John,” she said in exasperation. “Not the living room vases.”

“Yes.” He could barely hold the laughing at bay. “Expensive ones…I
know because I paid for them.”

“Well politely tell my guys not to play football in the house.” Her
voice was firm, yet gentle. She wasn’t fond of disciplining her
children. All it took for any of them was to pucker a lip or bat
eyelashes, and she could change her mind instantly.

“Well, uh oh,” he exaggerated the phrase. “There’s another one.”

“Take the ball. Right now.” She said. “John?” The laughing on the line
forced a smile that turned into a tight line. “You were joking,
weren’t you?”

“Of course, the boys aren’t complete Neanderthals.”

“Well, they are your sons.”

“That’s cute. I almost laughed at your attempt at humor,” he said
playfully. The tension that he’d allowed her to leave with had been
weighing on him ever since her departure. “How are you? How was the
flight?”

“No trouble at all.” She said acknowledging his worry. “We’re all fine.”

“Good.” He sighed heavily. “I know you can handle this. I’m just not
sure I can handle you being there with me here.”

“I know,” She told him softly. “I miss you if that’s any consolation.
I really, truly miss you.”

“I know the feeling.” He pressed his fingertips against his lip. He’d
expected her still to be upset with him. The scene at the airfield
hadn’t been encouraging. Marlena had done this thing—decided to go to
Louisiana with no regard to him or the other children. Belle and Brady
were in a tailspin, as was he. She’d come home and hastily packed a
bag while he stood with arms folded across his chest. Her goodbyes to
the kids were minimal, ending with her tears and their confusion. The
drive to the private airfield had been quiet. She wanted to tell him
to give her a little time. They both knew that with Roman still
contesting
Belle’s paternity, taking Belle from the state would cause a hailstorm
of problems. John wasn’t worried about Roman; he was worried about the
love of his life up and leaving him behind without a care. “About this
morning…it doesn’t even seem like it was this morning does it?”

“It seems like it was just five minutes ago.” She said obviously
reliving the tense conversation.

He heard the fear in her voice. He hated that he’d put that fear into
her. “I didn’t mean to be so demanding. It was all too much.”

She shifted the conversation. “Tell me about Belle. How’s my baby girl doing?”

“I think she misses you.” He hesitated. “I don’t want that to make you
feel guilty. It’s not why I said it. She’s looking around for you
though.” Marlena’s original plan included bringing both Belle and
Brady to LeMoyne. Mira had told both of them that there was plenty of
room for the family, but they’d both forgotten that Roman had declared
war on them. “Are you comfortable there?”

“So far, so good.”

“How’s Amelia?”

“In her favorite place in the world. You should have seen the way her
face lit up. She loves it here. I know she’d love for you to be here
with her.”

He wanted to be there; he just didn’t want to be there with Mira and
the secrets that she held. “I want to be there. And as soon as it’s
okay, I’ll bring the kids down. I’m meeting with Avery.” He heard the
quick intake of air on the line. “Marlena?”

“With Avery?”

“To discuss this mess and divorce.”

“I don’t want to….”

“Divorce Roman?”

She sighed. “I….John, I’m not comfortable with her still. Blame it on
my hormones. I just don’t want her handling this.”

“Well, right now, you don’t have much choice. The options are limited.
I trust Avery.”

“You also had a relationship with her.”

“Did you call me because you wanted to argue?” he questioned testily.

“I did not,” she said firmly. “I wanted to let you know that we’re
fine. All of us.”

John turned slightly to match Avery’s glare. They were sitting in the
café that she suggested. Both casually dressed, it appeared that a man
and woman were simply having lunch and not discussing vital components
of said man’s life.

“This will be a fairly easy John. Roman’s filed for a custody hearing.
I’ve submitted the paperwork; the judge still would like to hear the
case.”

“How is that possible?”

Avery’s blonde hair flipped when she tilted her neck. “Maybe he knows
the judge. The Brady family happens to be gold in this town. You might
have thought about that before you took up with his wife.”

John’s eyes shot angrily across the table. “Is that appropriate
language for my lawyer?”

“It’s truthful. You’re facing a custody hearing when the judge knows
full well that you are the father. The tests proved that as fact.
She’s pregnant with your child again. I don’t understand the
motivation.”

“Revenge.” He allowed. The motivating force for any man who had his
heart broken by love. “He still feels as if she belongs to him. I know
that feeling. It’s not fair. I’ve been in Roman’s shoes—the difference
is that I gave her up for him.”

Avery looked skeptically across the table.

“Look Avery, I don’t want this to be uncomfortable. I trust you. You
told me how capable you are and I believe you.” His voice changed.
“But I won’t think twice about getting a new perspective.”

“Because mine is flawed?” She laid her hands on the tabletop,
flattened. “We had a sexual relationship. I’m not confused about
what’s going on. I understand where your heart belongs but it’s not as
easy as saying I’ve moved on. Maybe I haven’t.” Avery’s usually
confident demeanor buckled and a tear slipped from the corner of her
eye. “I’m sorry to be emotional. I’m usually not like this. It’s just,
you’re fighting for this woman that you love with everything you have.
I want that kind of man in my life.”

John covered her hand with his. “You’ll have that. I’m sorry that I….”

“Used me?” She finished unabashed.

“No, I…”

“It’s okay to say it. I’m a big girl. You substituted me for her…and I let you.”

“No.” He felt instant empathy for the guarded beauty sitting in front
of him. He had indeed used her to get over Marlena, or perhaps to get
to Marlena. Only, it wasn’t apparent until she’d pointed it out. “I’m
truly sorry for this. I think it would be better if you didn’t handle
this. It’s hard for you.”

“It’ll be hard either way.” She wiped her cheek slowly. The southern
drawl made her words seem even sadder. “I fell in love with you. And
I’m trying to get over it.”

“You’ll find him.”

“Who?” She said suddenly very hopeful.
“The man you thought I was.” John said simply. “And he’ll be a lucky
bastard to have you.”

Chapter 50

“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being
present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present
now, what power does it have?”
–Eckart Tolle

Being a Midwestern city girl, Laura had never communed with nature.
She’d never taken a moment to sit amongst the grass and examine trees.
She’d never seen the beauty of flowers outside of a vase, or the feel
of fresh sunshine glinting across the face. But at LeMoyne, all of
these things were tangible. Walking across the well-kept grounds of
the multi-acre estate, Laura appreciated the subtle gust of wind that
ruffled her skirt and the murmuring of the bayou just off the tree
covered banks. It seemed impossible that she’d been in snow-covered
Salem one minute and in spring clothes the next. That was the
understated beauty of LeMoyne. Laura recognized the love that Mira
felt for her estate; the pride that she took in having such a
luxurious home. The mansion was large but very homey, and welcoming.
The staff—a cook, majordomo, and housekeeper—were a part of Mira’s
extended family. Laura noticed that there were no strangers with Mira.
She appreciated that quality in the woman who remained a mystery to
her.

Laura’s plan was two-fold. She wanted to get to know Mira, in order to
help Marlena through the traumatizing circumstances of her time before
LeMoyne.

It was only trauma that could block out the happy memories of her
daughter’s birth. She knew—they both knew—that Marlena’s memory was
protecting her from something. And it was up to Laura to break through
to her mind, without causing further damage.

Raysa Bordeaux knew Mira better than anyone, according to Laura’s
careful observation. Laura had listened to them reminisce over their
mutual pasts over dinner the night before. The kinship that existed
was something that she also shared with Marlena. And if anyone wanted
to know about her best friend, they could ask her. So it was Raysa
that Laura approached after her morning walk across the estate.

“I’ve never seen such a beautiful piece of land,” Laura proclaimed as
she entered the veranda where breakfast was being served. “It’s just
gorgeous. I would have loved to have had a place like this growing
up.” She was rewarded with a smile from Raysa. The woman who had
called herself old was no more than fifteen years older than Laura.
But she didn’t look it. Raysa Bordeaux was a study in classic beauty.
Pert nose and chin, high cheekbones and smooth, even skin. She was
dressed in a light pair of jeans and a button down cotton shirt.
Everything about her stood out. The accent. The mass of auburn hair
that was tied back in a ponytail held with a chiffon scarf. Her
studious eyes.

“There is something magical about this place.” Raysa said lifting her
eyes to scan the property. “This was Emory’s family’s land. But you’d
never know that Mira wasn’t raised here. She loves this land as much
as if her own papa tilled it. Of course he didn’t, because aristocrats
rarely work in fields.” Raysa went back to the task she was
completing. She placed a dish on each of the place mats with Laura
watching.

“Have you always been so close—you and Mira?” Laura inquired
innocently. She’d noticed an empty ring finger on Raysa’s left hand.

Raysa lifted her head from the table. “Close? In some ways, she’s like
the Mama I lost as a child; in other ways, she’s my sister. There are
no boundaries where we are concerned. I noticed you looking at my bare
hand.” She pulled it to her chest and covered it with her other. “I
was married…am married. My husband chooses to make a life elsewhere in
the company of others.” Hurt streaked her lovely face in the sunlight.
“When you have pain that deep from the one who you gave your entire
soul to, you find others to fill their places.”

“Like Mira has with Amelia?”

The question was spoken innocently but Raysa heard more than naïve
intent. “She loves her. No one should ever question that.

“You’re her staunchest supporter, aren’t you?”

“Wouldn’t you be for the woman who saved your life?”

Laura didn’t answer but inside, she knew that of course she would.
That’s why she was conducting informal interviews with Raysa, because
at one time, Marlena had saved her life. And she still felt beholden
to her, and gratefully so.

“I’m here to help Marlena.”

“To help her recover a past that probably would harm her more than
help?” Raysa asked sharply. “Does that help any of us? I never look
back. When I say goodbye to something, I never look back.”

“I’m not sure that’s the correct approach Raysa. It’s unhealthy to
ignore anything that has to do with mental health.”

“Well, that’s the difference between doctors and patients. We
understand that when you go looking for trouble, then you’ll find it.
You think that looking for the reason why, will end all the troubles,
but when has that ever been true?”

Laura conceded with a nod. “Yes, there are some tough things that
she’ll probably have to work through. But in the end, it’s worth it to
her. She wants to know what happened. I think it’s a fair assumption
that it’s her life and she has that right.”

Raysa pulled a chair from the table for Laura to sit down. She took
the one beside Laura’s. Turning inward so that their bodies were
facing, Raysa exhaled deeply and reached across the arms of the chairs
to touch Laura’s hand. “Tell me, what kind of woman is she? I don’t
mean to sound judgmental. God knows that’s not what I want now,
especially with Amelia being so attached to her, but what good does
Marlena bring to these two people.” She spoke low with animated
gestures shifting her facial features dramatically. “I know what Mira
tells me. She’s a master of reading people except when they’re
connected so deeply to her. Mira would turn her soul inside out and
run through the levels of hell if she could save Amelia from pain.
She’d do that for me and anyone else that she loves. I can see that
now Marlena is one of the people she loves. Tell me why.”

It was a fair question. Laura read the sudden impetuous words as
Raysa’s concern. There was a chance that Marlena could change not only
Mira’s life, but also Raysa’s as well because they were so
intertwined. “Marlena is probably the best person I’ve ever known.”
Laura stopped herself and looked toward the sky. It was full of
vibrant blue hues that she’d never seen over Salem. “Not probably, she
is. She happens to care about people in a deeply emotional way that
others would avoid if possible. The level of love that runs through
her is something akin to God’s love of His people. You know, it’s
unconditional, no matter what you do, Marlena will stand by you.”
Because she hadn’t voiced these things aloud before, emotion saturated
her words and tears followed. “Marlena came into my life during some
of my darkest days. I was in a terrible place.” Laura wiped her tear
streamed face and looked clearly into Raysa’s eyes. “I didn’t have a
grip on reality. I was going through post partum depression. I was
irrational and sad. All of the emotions that can waylay you had done
just that.” She smiled at the memory of Marlena’s kind face in the
many sessions that they had after Jennifer’s birth. No judgment, only
kindness and goodness. “She treated me for my depression and we became
friends. It’s one of the strongest relationships I’ve ever had. In a
way, it reminds me of yours and Mira’s friendship. When I’ve needed
her, Marlena has always been there.” Laura lowered her head. “As a
mother, there is no one who comes close to the way she feels about her
children. If it’s not obvious, she’s been through hell to be with
them. People have gotten in her way and tried to destroy the bond, but
her fortitude won’t let anyone win. They are a part of her in a very
tangible way. She would give anything for any of them.”

Laura’s testimony was heartfelt. She had watched Marlena nurture the
gifts that she called children with her audacious love. Never could
anyone question the way Marlena felt about her children. She loved
them; and if she had to give herself to a madman to keep them alive,
then she’d do that. She would fake death, live alone, and yield to
depression if only to make their lives stable. The distinctions
weren’t fair in her life, but Laura had seen Marlena weather each
storm with guts that she wished she, herself possessed.

“So, when she says that she’s here to make up for Amelia’s past, it’s
not a simplistic notion. She means to do so with her entire heart at
play.”

“When you speak of darkness,” Raysa began after watching Laura for a
moment, “you know it intimately. People who have gone through it can
see it in others. I believe in the circularity of life. Here in the
south, really in New Orleans, we feel as if our lives have greater
meaning than the physical sense of life. There are spirits that wonder
this Earth, searching out those who are familiar. I think we’ve all
met our matches.” Raysa stood quickly and pulled Laura along with her.
They walked from the veranda into the fields, hand-in-hand. She
pointed across the massive field at a structure that hadn’t captured
Laura’s eye when she’d taken her walk. “I believe you when you say
that Marlena is who you say she is. Not only do I believe that for
you, I also believe that for Amelia.” Raysa started walking toward the
structure that became clearer when they were within yards of it. It,
the tiny wooden house with a bright red roof, sat in isolation. There
was nothing regal about the house. In fact, it looked as if it had
made its journey through time remarkably unscathed.

“What is this place?” Laura wondered aloud as they walked up the dirt
path leading to the front of the house.

“I come from the backwoods of Louisiana,” Raysa confessed. “Though
you’d never guess that, would you?” She shook her head. “No, I can
blend in with people of stature easily. It’s not something that
matters much anymore, but in the past, it mattered a lot.”

Laura listened intently.

“We are not much different, Mira and I. She was born on the other side
of the world, and I was born here, in the soil of Louisiana. There are
ties that are made in the spirit at birth. We might spend our entire
lives finding our spirit ties, but eventually we will. It’s like being
separated from your twin at birth, without realizing that you have
been.” Raysa dropped Laura’s hand and bent to pick up some loose dirt.
“I played in these fields as the bastard child of Emory LeMoyne’s
uncle, John’s uncle.”

Laura didn’t flinch at Raysa’s revelation.

“My mother was the bastard of another rich man from Jefferson parish.”
Raysa looked up, squinting her eyes at the sun. “These are the kind of
secrets that we have here at LeMoyne.”

“What does this have to do with Marlena?” Laura asked politely.

“Nothing…or maybe everything. There are seasons for everything Laura.
This house is where Mira and Emory made their home. They forewent the
majesty of LeMoyne for this simple slave house.” She stood and gazed
at the wooden house. “Slave quarters. It’s one of the only existing
slave houses in this parish. When I met Mira, it was on this porch.
She was a newlywed who was completely besotted with her husband. And
he was a man who was trying hard to remove himself from the shadows of
his family.”

Laura tried to make head or tails of Raysa’s illuminated confession.
So many layers of secrets existed creeping on the soil of the
beautiful plantation that had been John’s birthright. In the web was
not only Mira, who Laura realized she knew very little of, but also
now Raysa, a relative of John’s and Amelia’s. It had all reason. She
just didn’t understand what that reason was.

“Before I became Raysa Bordeaux, wife of high society, I was Raysa
Gillette. I had a grandmother who lived on a swamp and you could only
reach her house by boat. She read fortunes through chicken bones and
put black omens on people.” Raysa walked to the house and climbed the
three stairs to its open porch. “She told me that my father’s family
was cursed, this was after she’d finally shared that fact that I had a
father. The LeMoynes, she said, are cursed and anyone who finds
themselves in their path will unfortunately pay for the injustices
that their forefathers have wrought on others.” She turned the knob to
the red door of the house. It creaked as it slowly open to reveal the
living room. She looked over her shoulder and beckoned Laura to her.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of here. It’s only filled with ghosts
now.”

Laura walked slowly up the stairs. A tingling sensation ran along her
arms and down her spine. “Do you think this place has something to do
with Marlena?” She asked confused.

“You’re asking the wrong questions Laura.”

Laura used Raysa’s shoulder to turn her around in order to face her.
“No, I’m lost. I don’t know what one thing has to do with the other.”

Raysa pressed her mouth together. She looked around the empty room
sadly. “Neither do I, but maybe you’re here to help us all find our
way. Maybe you and Marlena are the souls who are supposed to bring
closure to the LeMoyne curse.”

The room was nondescript. No photographs. No sign of life ever being
there. No furniture. It was a sad testament to the love that Raysa had
described moments before.

“Mira wanted to live here because she sensed the unrest in that house.
She couldn’t convince Emory to leave his family completely behind but
she did manage to create a peaceful haven of love where they created
John.” Raysa jumped when Laura’s arms wrapped around her shoulders.
“I’m sorry. Memories are disturbing at times. That’s why I’m afraid
for Marlena. We don’t rehash our pasts around here because it could
very well kill us. Not physically, you understand, but emotionally and
spiritually. We all fall to the altar of fear eventually. I know you
want me to tell you things about Mira to help Marlena, but…after I
listened to you talk about her, I realized that you could help Mira
too.”

“Help Mira what?”

“Make peace with her past. Undo the injustices of losing her son more
than once in a lifetime. Do you know how hard it is for her to know
that he’s alive and be unable to reach him? She is his mother, just as
Marlena is Amelia’s.” Raysa cupped Laura’s cheek. “They all need to be
healed.”

“Raysa, I don’t believe in curses.”

“Do you believe in God?” She asked Laura solemnly.

Laura nodded gravely. “I haven’t always understood Him, but I believe.”

“I believe that Marlena was made for John, and through John this
wickedness has been visited upon this poor woman. It’s not by chance
that she wondered to this particular place in her confusion. It’s not
by fate that she had a child and left her in the care of her
grandmother. These things don’t occur by chance. There is reason for
everything. If we’re going to help Marlena, then we must start with
John and Mira, and even further back, Emory. My grandmother believed
in completion. I do too.”

Laura squeezed Raysa. “You’re a very mysterious, compelling woman.”
She pressed her lips to her cheek. “We can help them find their way,
as you put it. And perhaps you can make peace with your past as well.”
Laura hugged Raysa tightly. They both looked around the room again
before walking out together. Laura closed the door behind them.

Marlena felt the hulking presence before she saw the shadow. She was
balled tight in the wet grass, near a marsh. The rain beat savagely
against her arms, which were wrapped around her knees. She prayed for
the ability to be invisible, even though she knew how implausible it
was. She stopped breathing through her mouth and took quick breaths
through her nostrils, quietly. He was coming nearer and her life
depended on being quiet. She closed her eyes and bowed her head. She
dared not to move, even when a slimy snake wrapped around her ankle.
She started trembling inside. The fear of snakes didn’t away the fear
of death. She’d seen it in his eyes. If he caught her, it would mean
death. When she thought he’d passed by her, she finally reached and
tore the snake from her leg. But he hadn’t, he’d circled the marsh in
the boat. A huge floodlight uncovered her hiding space and when he
leapt from the boat, she screamed.

When she sat up, hair drenched in perspiration, Amelia was standing at
her bedside. “Mommy, are you having a bad dream?”

Marlena melted at the endearment. She reached out for Amelia to climb
beside her. Her heart pounded against Amelia’s head when she pushed
her against her chest. Marlena stroked her daughter’s head repeatedly
as she rocked her.

Amelia grew worried in the silence. She enjoyed being in her mother’s
arms, but she was afraid because of her mother’s apparent inability to
speak. “Mommy?”

“Shhh babygirl.” Marlena stroked Amelia’s back softly. Amelia’s curls
tickled her arm with the up and down motions. “When I was a little
girl, your grandmother used to hold me like this when I had bad
dreams. She would climb into my bed and tell my sister to get on the
other side of her and we’d listen to her talk about her mother.” She
appreciated her mother and the gentleness that she’d implanted in her
life. “I’m going to introduce you to her soon Amelia.”

Amelia’s mouth opened in awe. “Where is she?”
“Colorado. It’s only an airplane ride away. She’ll love you. And you
can meet my Papa. I’ve told them about you.”

Amelia’s mind began tweaking with the possibilities of more family
that she’d never met. And then she realized that her mother hadn’t
mentioned her sister. “Is your sister there with your Mama and Papa?”

Marlena sat back to sit against the headboard. “No. My sister is gone.
She’s in heaven honey.”

“Why?”

She wished she had a better answer than the shrug she gave. “God
wanted her there with him,” Marlena amended, deciding that it was
better than uncertainty. “She was my best friend.”

“She’ll be okay,” Amelia told her mother. She took her mother’s hand
from hair and turned it palm up in front of her. “If you put your hand
in the hand of the one who loves you most, you can do anything. Mama,
I love you the most.”

Marlena kissed the top of Amelia’s head. “I know that sweetie. I love
you too. I’m sorry that I woke you up.”

“I wasn’t sleeping.” She said quickly. She started tracing the lines
in her mother’s hand. “I was trying to find my dolly Lulu for Belle. I
want her to have it.”

“That’s sweet honey.”

Amelia grinned. Her eyes livened mischievously. “If I get you, then
she should get something too.”

Marlena looked away. Her daughter was under the impression that there
would be no one to share her with. She had so as much to Mira at
dinner. But then Marlena allowed it to be unchallenged. “Honey, you
realize that sooner or later, Belle and Papa will come here too. Your
brothers will be with us too. We’re a family.”

Amelia continued tracing Marlena’s palm. She didn’t acknowledge her
mother’s declaration. She focused on the creases of her mother’s hand.
She’d learned from Calpernia how to interpret what they meant.

“Amelia, did you hear me?”

“Mama, do you love Papa?”

The question jolted Marlena. “With all my heart.” She pulled her
daughter from her chest and straddled her on top of her thighs. Her
belly intruded slightly when she tried to get Amelia closer. “I love
your daddy very much. I love your sisters and brothers also. And I
miss them. I wish they were here with us.” Marlena cupped Amelia’s
cheeks between her hands. “We belong with them.”

“I belong here.” Amelia said quietly, avoiding her mother’s eyes. “You
belong with me. Papa let you come here because he knows.”

“What does he know?” Marlena asked softly. She continued to stroke
Amelia’s cheek.

“Papa loves you Mama.” She said to drop the conversation. “I’m sleepy.
Can I sleep with you?”

Marlena looked her daughter over studiously before lifting her from
her lap. She pulled the covers over their bodies. Amelia lay in front
of her mother, while Marlena clutched her from behind. “Nothing will
change the way I feel about you. No one can do that. I love you with
all my heart. You don’t have to be afraid to count on me. But I’m the
mother and you’re my little girl.” She whispered in Amelia’s ear.
“Trust me to make the right decisions.”