Story Notes:
It bothered me that the show skipped from Marlena and John agreeing to bring Paul home from the hospital with them to John suddenly being in Karl’s office in LA with no bridge in between. He did say he’d been “cleared by his own personal doctor,” but that was a conversation I would’ve liked to see. So I wrote it, ’cause that’s just how I roll.
Marlena and John had just gotten Paul settled in the guestroom and turned their attention to putting together some supper when John’s phone rang.
“It’s Steve,” he said, glancing at it. “Excuse me for a minute.”
Marlena continued working on their sandwiches while John stepped out into the living room to talk. She couldn’t make out the words of his end of the conversation, but his tone didn’t sound promising, and the look on his face when he returned to the kitchen spoke volumes.
“Still no luck finding Joey?” she asked.
“No.” He sounded calm enough, but Marlena knew his body language, and he was obviously frustrated. “Steve’s working with a buddy of his out there–guy named Karl–but they’ve just got too much ground to cover to run down every lead.”
“Did you tell him you’re on your way?”
“I’m not going,” he answered, looking surprised that she had even suggested it.
“Are you feeling worse again?”
“No, but we just got Paul home.”
Ah, so that was it.
“Paul is an adult,” Marlena pointed out gently. “I’m sure he’ll understand if you explain where you’re going and why.”
“I’m sure he would, but I can’t just leave you here to look after him.”
“Honey, Paul doesn’t need round-the-clock care,” she tried again. “He needs fluids and bed rest and someone to talk to. If that’s what you’re worried about, I’ve got this.”
“But–“
“But what?”
“Isn’t that exactly what I used to do to you all the time? Go haring off to parts unknown at the drop of a hat and just expect you to deal with whatever mess I’d left behind?”
“I think I usually did okay,” she answered, a little defensive in the face of his sudden vehemence. Did he really think she couldn’t look after Paul?
But John shook his head, his expression gentling. “You did great, sweetheart. Every time.”
“Then what–”
“I always knew you could handle it, and I acted like that made it okay for me to abandon my family. To abandon you. I finally understand now how much that hurt you, and I’m not about to do it again.”
Oh, John. Suddenly the entire conversation made sense.
Marlena beckoned to him. “Come here.”
He came to stand uneasily in front of her.
She laid her open hands on his chest and looked him in the eye. “I appreciate what you’re saying. Truly. I can tell you were really listening when I told you how I used to feel, and I know you don’t want to hurt me again now. But John, this is a very different situation. You’re not abandoning your family. Steve and Kayla and Joey are family. If you don’t go, and something terrible happens to Joey, you’ll never forgive yourself.”
“That’s a fact,” John admitted, but the muscles under Marlena’s hands were still tense.
“And it won’t be like an ISA mission,” she continued. “I’ll know where you are. I’ll know Steve is there to watch your back. You’ll be able to call me. I won’t be sitting here wondering whether you’re dead or alive. This isn’t like that.”
John still looked troubled. “That still doesn’t make it fair for me to take off and leave you here with Paul.”
“It’s not about what’s fair. It’s about what we need to do to take care of our family. All of our family. What Paul needs right now plays to my strengths. What Steve needs plays to yours. So you’ll go, and I’ll stay. Because sometimes being a team means we divide and conquer.”
His shoulders finally relaxed, and in another moment she found herself wrapped up in a hug that almost lifted her off her feet.
“Thank you,” John said fervently.
“You’re welcome,” she answered.
He held her tightly for a long moment, then drew back and brought his hands up to cradle her face, resting his forehead against hers and closing his eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered, sounding close to tears. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” she murmured, blinking back tears of her own. She’d gotten used to a somewhat less demonstrative version of John in the past year and a half, and now suddenly he was wearing his heart on his sleeve again for the second time in two days. Not that she minded, but it was a lot to take in.
Finally John pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and looked her in the eye again. “I’ll keep you posted,” he promised. “Where I am, what’s going on, everything.”
“That’s all I ask,” she answered, and gave his chest a little pat. “Now, you go talk to Paul while I finish up here, and when you come back we’ll figure out how to make this work.”
***** ***** *****
By the time John returned to the kitchen, Marlena was seated at the table with a half-eaten sandwich in one hand and her iPad in the other.
“Your boarding pass is printing. You’re on the last nonstop of the day from Midway to LAX, and it takes off in four hours, so eat up.” She gestured to his sandwich, which was at the place across from hers.
John blinked. “You already…?”
“I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“No, I… Thank you.” He dropped into his seat and obediently reached for his sandwich.
“You’re welcome. What did Paul say?”
“That I should go. He, uhm…he says he’s coming to join the search party, actually, if we haven’t found Joey by the time he’s better.”
“You sound surprised.”
“Not surprised. Amazed. He’s…”
“He’s your son,” she said, and after a beat gently prompted, “Eat your food.”
John did as he was bid, and they ate in silence until Marlena finished her sandwich and stood up to put her plate in the dishwasher.
“Want me to start packing for you?” she offered. “I know it’s been a while, but I think I remember how it goes.”
“I’d appreciate that. You were always better at it than I was anyway.”
Half an hour later she saw him out the door with his bag, his boarding pass, and her blessing, and while John was appreciative of all three, it was obviously that final item that meant the most to him.
He really would have stayed, she thought, resting her hand against the closed door for a moment. Not that she would ever have asked him to, not with Steve so desperate for help, but it felt incredibly good to know that John’s first loyalty had been to her. He had recognized her right to have his help and support here at home, and for the first time he had treated her willingness to give that up as the gift it was instead of seeming to see it as the natural order of things.
I finally understand now how much that hurt you, and I’m not about to do it again.
The John of twenty years ago–even the John of five years ago–would never have said that to her. That John would have stepped back into the kitchen, told her he was going to help Steve, apologized for leaving her to look after Paul alone, kissed her goodbye, and taken off without a backward glance.
But today’s John had treated her as an equal partner. She didn’t feel dismissed or taken for granted. She felt respected and understood and appreciated.
And as a result, she’d been able to let him go without any of the bitterness that used to taint such partings. She’d miss him, of course–she always missed him–but this time she could look forward to his eventual homecoming without resenting his absence in the meantime.
It was a victory they had won together, and it was sweet.
The Jarlena Journal 