Take Me Home – Part 2 – By obsessedjarlenafan

Looking at the date on her computer, Marlena noticed that it was nearly two weeks away from what was supposed to be her due date. Her little boy was only supposed to arrive two weeks from then but as things rarely happened the way they were supposed to, their little boy was born two weeks ago. 
 
Absentmindedly, she drank from a glass of water, exhaustion taking over her body. Sleepless nights and broken sleep had become the norm. It was rare that she got a good night sleep. Sitting at the table on the comfortable banquette of John’s kitchen, Marlena opened up her Facebook account but did nothing further. She took another drink of water, setting the glass back on the table when she accidentally came into contact with a soother that was laying around. 
  
Taking it into her hands, Marlena turned it over with her fingers, observing it lovingly yet sadly. It was with regret and a deep sigh that she placed it behind her computer, out of site. She went back to Facebook and began typing the words that needed to be said.
 
I have contemplated if I should post the story of what happened the day Spencer was born for the last two weeks and have decided it was important to share. I know a lot of people are curious and have questions, but they may be afraid to ask. Please keep in mind that what I wrote out about the events of that day make for a long and heavy read but should answer a lot of people’s questions. It explains how things played out and how I felt. For those of you interested, here’s my story about the hardest day of my life:
 
Saturday, March 16th was a day like any other day. I woke up, ate breakfast, made the bed, did the dishes, started a load of laundry and attempted to relax on the couch. Comfort was not something I had experienced very much of in the last few weeks. As a pregnant woman, at 36 weeks of gestation, this was a task that was becoming more and more difficult with each passing day. 
 
After completing my daily chores, every inch of my body began to ache, but the pelvic pain I had been feeling the last two weeks was slightly intensified that day. The best way I could describe this pain would be as if my pelvis was separating in half, which would turn out to be just regular pregnancy pains. 
 
At around 3:30 that afternoon, I had decided to pour myself a warm bath in the hopes of relieving some of my discomfort. Within 2 minutes of submerging myself in the tub, I got that oh so familiar baby kick that I’ve been feeling for the last few months. The baby would always let me know that the bath water was a little warm when I got in. 
 
The rest of my day consisted of switching over the laundry and binge watching tv shows (thank you Netflix). That evening, at around 10:30, I had begun my nightly routine. I enjoyed watching those YouTube videos titled “my delivery story” right before bed. I was absolutely addicted to them and would watch them every night. Sometimes I would even binge watch them during the day, instead of a regular tv show. This night however, I clicked on something different. The video was titled “my stillborn delivery story”. Why I had clicked on this link, I have no idea. I had watched maybe 2 minutes of the video before pausing it in order to head to the kitchen and find myself a little snack. 
 
While rummaging through the cupboard, I suddenly had this awful feeling wash over me. It caused me to step back, instantly place my hand on my belly and think to myself… “Oh my god…I haven’t felt baby move in a long time… last I can remember was when I was in the tub”. 
 
Now to me, this was quite odd. My unborn baby was the ultimate athlete… or at least that’s what it felt like to me. The constant kicks, punches, flips and movements were non-stop. But why hadn’t I noticed this sooner?? The pelvic pain! I had been so focused on how much my pelvis hurt that day, I was too distracted. 
 
Although this was alarming to me, I felt as though I was overreacting and simply being paranoid. Ahh, I knew what to do!! I poured myself a small glass of orange juice and a small glass of cold water. This, I thought, was going to prove to me that I was just being dramatic. If the orange juice didn’t work, the cold water would! So off to my bedroom I went, where I proceeded to drink half of each glass, opening up my “baby kicks counter app”, and laying down on my back waiting for the kicks to ensue. If you didn’t already know, this is the ultimate trick to getting your baby to move. 
 
After approximately 5 minutes, nothing was happening. I got up and went to grab my stethoscope, as I had previously used it and was usually able to hear the baby moving around. As I listened in, I managed to hear a few muffled noises, but nothing too convincing. I waited a little while longer and then when nothing happened again I immediately called John and filled him in on my worries, telling him that I thought going to the hospital was a good idea. 
 
He picked me up and on our way to the hospital, John mentioned playing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, in hopes of getting our little one to move. The reason why he suggested this was because John had made me watch the movie with him one day, and whenever a song from Queen played, baby would move like crazy. Nothing compared to how much our baby would move when that specific song played. Whenever it played on the radio, the baby would have a dance party in my belly! It never failed to make the baby boogie! 
 
Since my phone was connected to his car, I found the song on YouTube and pressed play, making sure to turn it up nice and loud! The song began to play, but nothing was happening. No kicks, no punches, nothing… I began to worry much more at this point. This never failed before, why wasn’t it working now? 
 
Once we had arrived at the hospital, we headed straight to Labour & Delivery on the 3rd floor. One of the nurses proceeded to take me to triage and hooked me up to the machines that monitored the fetal heartbeat and movements. At this point my heart was racing. What was going to happen? Was my baby ok? Was I being crazy? As I lay in the bed feeling helpless, that’s when I heard it… “Thump, thump, thump, thump…” 
 
“Oh, thank god” is what I thought, and I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. “My baby is okay and has a strong heartbeat of 150 bpm”. Phewww! The nurse said that things were looking good so far, and that they would come check on me in 20 minutes (this is hospital policy, to monitor you for at least 20 minutes). 
 
While lying in the bed and waiting for the next 20 minutes to pass, I kept busy by chatting with John. I would, however, occasionally glance over to the screen to sneak a peek at the readings. Something seemed off to me. The tracing of the heart rate didn’t seem right and didn’t look like any of the other readings I had previously seen. The tracing for the fetal movement also seemed less “active” than usual. 
 
After 20 minutes, the doctor came in to do a quick bedside ultrasound and recommended I go get a proper ultrasound done, because she wanted a “Biophysical Profile”. This is a test for the unborn baby, where they would score the baby out of 8. When I got to ultrasound and laid down, they followed a checklist and if the baby didn’t meet all of the criteria, they would keep me for the max time of 30 minutes and then send me and my score back upstairs. As you guessed it, I stayed the entire 30 minutes. Although I had to wait, I was relatively calm as I was able to hear the heartbeat through the monitor and it was still healthy and strong. 
 
Once I arrived back up to triage, they reconnected me to the monitors and the doctor came back in to discuss the results. She said that with the combination of a possible score of 2 from the heart/movement tracings and the possible score of an 8 with the Biophysical Profile, my baby scored a total of 4/10. This was a concern for her, and this is when she said she thought we should have the baby that night. I remember the wave of emotions wash over me after hearing this. “Okay, so the baby is coming early…But we didn’t bring the bags or a car seat…Woohoo I’m going to meet my baby… etc.” Everything came flooding in at once. 
 
They proceeded to get John and I ready for the unplanned C-section. Setting up the IV, getting John to change into his set of scrubs, getting me to sign the consent forms, and then explaining the procedure. They then unplugged me from the monitor and wheeled me into the OR. 
 
They prepped me and eventually let John in to sit next to my head and hold my hand while they performed surgery. I could feel no pain; however, I could feel the surgeon inside of me, working at delivering my baby. Such an odd feeling. I was then told I would feel a lot of pressure on my chest that would only last a few seconds, and then the baby would be out. This was true and happened exactly as they said. It felt as though they were under my ribs. I felt the pressure in my chest followed by relief. I could tell that my baby was out, born at 1:55 am on March 17, 2020, even before the doctor said, “He’s here!” … but why didn’t I hear a baby crying?
 
That’s when I heard that awful chant that’s going to haunt me for years to come… “1 and 2 and 3… 1 and 2 and 3, give a round of epi… he’s not responding…” (OMG what?) “1 and 2 and 3… it’s been 3 minutes… 1 and 2 and 3…” (There’s no way this is happening to me, this wouldn’t happen, he will be fine, just focus on John. He’s asking you what name you want; he’s trying to distract you. Omg I love that man, he’s so wonderful for trying to distract you!) “… another round of epi… 1 and 2 and 3… 1 and 2 and 3… it’s been 5 minutes…” 
 
That’s when it hit me… my baby was not going to make it. I laid there, unable to move, unable to help my baby, feeling completely lost and in disbelief that this was happening, all the while hearing that god-awful chant as if it were on replay “1 and 2 and 3…” For a total of 20 minutes I laid there, helpless and feeling empty. 
 
“Steady heartbeat. Let’s move him to the NICU”. Wait, what??? Did they say heartbeat? Omg he’s alive, he’s ok!
 
Next thing I know they are wheeling me over to recovery and a nurse is explaining that they are working on our son in the NICU, that he has a heartbeat, and that they would come get us when everything was good. Hope… that’s what I was feeling. I was feeling hopeful. John and I started talking about names, who we would call first, and he said he would even go over to the penthouse after he meets our little boy to get our bags and come back. So many things were going on, it was hard to focus. 
 
I’m not exactly sure what time it was or how much time had passed when the nurse came back and said we were able to see him, but that it would be easier for us to go to him. As they wheeled me into the NICU I looked to my left, into a room and there was a little baby connected to wires and machines. “Wow that baby is really pale,” I thought. “My goodness, those people are working hard to help the baby, I hope it will be ok. Oh, and it is full of dark hair, I wonder if our baby boy has black hair since we all thought our baby would have black hair.” This is what I thought as I was wheeled passed the door and around a corner. It was maybe 5 seconds later when I realized that I was being wheeled into that very room through another door. “Oh my god, that’s our baby…” my hope was slowly fading. 
 
The doctor explained to us that the machines and medications were keeping him alive. He needed the meds to keep his heart rate above 100, and he was on 80% oxygen. She explained that we should be prepared as the only thing keeping his heart beating over 100 were the meds and he was only hanging on because the nurse was pumping air into his tiny lungs at a steady rate. Without them he wouldn’t be strong enough to breathe on his own. She then told us that he wouldn’t make it through the night. 
 
I guess I went into shock. My heart felt like it was shattered into a million pieces, and my stomach felt as though it was twisting into knots. “Omg I’m going to puke” was my first thought. “Did the doctor just tell me my baby is dying? How did this happen? This is not funny. This only happens on tv shows. This couldn’t happen to us”. I looked up and saw the absolute devastation on John’s face. “Omg, he looks so sad, why is this happening” ran through my head. I glanced from our baby boy to the monitor. “They aren’t lying, his vitals are horrible, and they keep dropping.” My mind was racing. 
 
I kept going back and forth, from the baby to the monitor. I must have been doing it a lot or reacting to the monitor because one of the nurses put her hand on the screen to cover his vitals and said to me, “Don’t look at the screen”. I couldn’t help it. I knew what those numbers meant. It meant that I wasn’t taking my baby home. It meant that instead of the wonderful gift I was hoping to give to our families, I was going to have to give them horrible news instead. It meant that my baby was going to die.
 
“Did you want to hold him?” one of the nurses asked me. 
 
I simply nodded. “Yes, of course I want to hold him,” I thought. “What a stupid question… Omg, he’s beautiful. His hair is so dark, and he is the perfect mix of his dad and I.” He was still connected to the wires when they handed him to me and had wrapped him in a blanket. I asked them if I could do skin to skin. This was something I wanted to experience. To feel my baby while he was still alive on my chest. Have him feel my heart and the warmth of my skin. I wanted him to feel loved and to me, the blanket was getting in the way of him connecting with me. The one nurse had asked us at some point what name we had chosen for him. “Spencer,” I said. Spencer Elliot Black was the name we had chosen for him. How perfectly it suited him.
 
After a while I asked John if he wanted to do skin on skin. With tears running down his face, he nodded and mumbled “yes”. The nurses placed Spencer in his arms and I couldn’t help but break down. He would have been the perfect dad to this little boy. There was no doubt in my mind that he would have loved him unconditionally and that he would’ve been insanely proud of him. I couldn’t help but feel as though I had failed him, and everyone else. 
 
What felt like 2 minutes had passed when Spencer’s vital signs dropped to a point where I knew they would never improve. The doctor placed her hand on John’s shoulder and said that this is where they would typically take him back and perform CPR in order to attempt to stabilize him. This would also include giving him more medications. She said that they could in fact try doing that, and they would if that was what we wanted them to do, however, she was very doubtful that he would actually pull through. 
 
She stated that the amount of time Spencer had gone without a pulse after his delivery and the unknown amount of time he had gone without a pulse while in the womb meant that there was no blood circulating to his brain. This would result in severe developmental issues and no quality of life. We had to choose… to get them to attempt CPR again and pump him with even more meds, to only get a few more minutes with him alive, or to unplug everything and let him pass peacefully. 
 
As difficult as this was to process, our choice was clear. There was no doubt we wanted to try and save our child, but it meant making him suffer and it would simply be us attempting to hold on to him for our own selfish reasons. We made the choice to end any further attempts, and just hold him while he passed. This was not something I was ever expecting to experience, nor is it something I would wish upon my worst enemy. We were then left alone to hold him while he passed. 
 
The nurse had returned later on and told us about a photographer who would come in to take some professional pictures of us and our baby boy at no charge, if we so wished. We decided to accept this offer, and she arrived within 20 minutes. Right before she started, the doctor came in to check if Spencer had passed. I won’t ever forget those words, “There is no longer a heartbeat”.
 
The photographer proceeded to carefully place Spencer in different poses and capture some raw images of us with him. I will be forever grateful to her for taking the time to do this for us. I will cherish those pictures forever. 
 
I started to panic when I realized they would have to take him away. I wanted our families and close friends to get the chance to see him. My parents live hours away. Would they wait? How long did we have left? That’s when the nurses informed us that we would be able to take as much time as we needed, and they would not pressure us to let him go. 
 
They explained that they had a cooling bassinet, called a CuddleCot, that would allow us to have extra time with him. It was able to keep his body cool, giving us the time to grieve and spend the day with him. I found out later that this had been donated by a couple who had experienced a loss a few years prior to us. What I would do to have given them the time that they so generously allowed us to have. Without this CuddleCot, we would not have had the chance to spend the day with our son. I am forever grateful to this couple but so sorry it wasn’t available for them at a time that I can only describe as the most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced.
 
The doctor who delivered Spencer came by to talk to us about what had happened. I couldn’t believe the amount of sadness I saw in her eyes when she said, “I just wanted to give you two a beautiful gift”. She cried. She was hurt. She told us that Spencer was severely anemic and came out very pale. She also explained that part of the placenta was white, meaning the blood had been draining from his body for a while. She was confused. She didn’t know why this happened and asked us if we wanted an autopsy done. She said the placenta would be sent to a lab for additional testing and that they would also run blood tests on me to see if they could find a cause. She explained to me that she knew for a fact that what happened at the beginning of the week, was not what caused this to happen. 
 
Earlier that week, I screwed up. I had knocked over a glass of water and the liquid fell to the floor. As I was about to bend down to clean it up, the phone started to ring. Ignoring the mess, I walked to the living room where my phone was. After a long FaceTime session with my parents back home in Colorado I returned to the kitchen, but I forgot about the puddle of water I had left behind. Stupid move Marlena. I turned around and lost my footing. I fell onto my knees and managed to push myself onto my side instead of onto my belly. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why not just pick up the mess and call my parents back after? I stood up and walked back in the living room. I felt fine, and I called John and told him what happened. He was concerned and asked if I was sure I was ok. I said I was fine and decided to watch tv. About half way through an episode of All My Children I felt uneasy and I called John and told him I wanted to go to the hospital. 
 
Once we had arrived, they got us into triage, strapped me to the monitors, and checked on the baby. Everything was good. Policy for a fall in the third trimester is to keep the mother for 4 hours after an incident has occurred, this way they can ensure that everything was ok. All the tracings were golden, the doctors and nurses told me what to look out for, and to come back if I noticed any of these things. Woohoo, relief. All was good. 
 
The next day I went back to work. I did notice some cramping throughout the day, but that had been my typical day for the last week or so. It felt like my period was going to start. Baby was moving like crazy, as usual and would continue to do so all week. No bleeding, no abnormal discharge, or anything to be concerned with. The only thing bothering me was this feeling I couldn’t shake like something was off. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. It was gone the next day.
 
At 7am the morning Spencer was born, we started making the phone calls. I am so thankful that I had John to help me with this, as I would just break down into tears after hearing the person answer the phone. I was unable to speak. How was I going to tell these people what happened? How was I going to explain anything if they asked me questions? How was I going to accept the fact that after today, my arms and womb would be empty? 
 
One by one, they started showing up. Each person that walked in to the room made my heart break even more. I did this, I caused their sadness. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t push away the amount of guilt I felt. I failed them, I failed my child, I failed as a mother. I was supposed to protect my baby, and I couldn’t even protect him while he was inside of me. They each took their turns holding him, loving him, and saying goodbye to him.
 
During these visits, I was still in the recovery room. After most of the people had left, I was brought to my private room. I tried to get some sleep, and although I had been awake for more than 30 hours, I just could not rest. I cried more than I ever thought I could. Twice, I had a crying fit in which I could not control how intensely I cried or filter what I said. “This isn’t fair…why would someone take away my baby…I’m so sorry…I’m not ok… etc”. It just spilled out of me. I spent the day drained of energy, unable to sleep, barely drinking and hardly eating. 
 
Our last visitor left at approximately 8:45pm. We were so fortunate to still have him with us thanks to the CuddleCot, but we knew it was nearing that time. I told John that we had to decide on a time that worked for us and he would have to tell the nurses to come and get him, because I couldn’t do it. We agreed that 10pm was when we would say goodbye. We spent the remaining time admiring how perfect our son was, how much he looked like us, how we created such a beautiful little boy. We talked about how peaceful he looked, took a few more pictures and decided to sing him a lullaby. Two days before he was born, I randomly started singing Hush Little Baby to him while cooking supper. John looked up the lyrics and we sang it twice. The clock kept ticking away but John told me that we should focus on spending this time with him. 
 
The nurses arrived right on time. John looked at me and asked, “did you want to sing him the lullaby one more time?” I told him I did, and as I held him for the last time, he sang him the song which would stay stuck in my head the next few days. “Hush little baby, don’t say a word, mamas gonna buy you a mockingbird, and if that mockingbird don’t sing, mamas gonna buy you a diamond ring…” Then, he was gone. 
 
About 15 minutes after they took him away, John suggested getting a wheelchair for me and taking a stroll around the hospital. We ended up exploring the basement, the top floor and everything in between. This was a good distraction. Once back at the room, we cuddled up into the same hospital bed, watched a show on his phone and fell asleep. I was woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby in the room next to me. This was apparently a trigger for me. I couldn’t help but cry. I was crying at the fact that my baby was gone, that I would never wake up to feed him, that he was all alone and that I missed him terribly. 
 
At approximately 7am on the 18th, my OB was on shift at the hospital and came to visit me. Dr. Bader was confused as to what happened and told me she would call me once she received all the results from the tests we were going to have done. She explained that she thought it was important in case it would affect any future pregnancies, and to see if there was any specific cause. She said she was absolutely sure that my fall was NOT the cause but that the blood work did reveal there had been an abruption. She said there had been too much time in between when I fell and when I stopped feeling movements to actually have been related to one another. I couldn’t help but still feel guilty. 
 
She explained that the amniotic fluid was also low, which is why she thought it was an issue with my placenta itself. I would have had no way of knowing this, without an ultrasound. She told me that if I felt I was ok, she would discharge me early. I told her I would prefer being at home and she had me discharged and ready to go within 15 minutes. Prior to leaving, the hospital had provided us with a box that contained prints of Spencer’s hand and foot, a mould of his hand and foot, some of his hair, the blanket he was swaddled in, the hat he was wearing and an angel wing pendant. I can’t get over how generous everyone was. 
 
Going home was a whole different ball game. I would be dealing with the pain of a major surgery. I needed help trying to move, walk, take my pills, change, go to the bathroom, etc. John took me to his home and patiently and happily helped me with everything I needed. He is absolutely amazing, and I would not be where I am without him. Every day he helps me get stronger and reminds me that Spencer wouldn’t want us to be sad. 
 
It has only been two weeks since we decided to head to the hospital that night, but the grieving has just started. I sleep holding his hat every night and if I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t find it, I panic. I think about him every day. My arms and home feel so empty. I do my best to stay positive, but I sometimes give in to my sadness and just need to cry it out. I want to be strong for my family and friends but mostly for Spencer.
 
I know he is no longer suffering but I just miss him so much. I’m saddened by the fact that I will never see him grow up or see what kind of personality he would have had. I feel as though he would have loved to read and learn like me but be very talented at all sports, be musically inclined and sassy like his daddy. I’m still waiting on results, but since speaking with both doctors, I no longer feel like this was all my fault. The guilt isn’t as intense, but I will forever wonder if I could have changed something…
 
I read this saying once and I thought it resonated with me back then, but now I realise how it applies even more so now… There is nothing I can say to explain how it feels to lose a child, but in a way this saying explains why that is;
 
It is eerily terrifying that there is no sound when a heart breaks. Car accidents end with a bang, falling ends with a thud, even writing makes the scratching sound of pencil against paper. But the sound of a heart breaking is completely silent. Almost as though no one, not even the universe itself could create a sound for such devastation. Almost as though silence is the only way the universe could pay its respect to the sound of a heart falling apart. – Nikita Gill
 
To all the pregnant ladies out there… you know your body, listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t think twice… go to the hospital. Don’t be afraid that it may be a “silly reason”. You aren’t crazy, and you are entitled to check in on the safety and health of your unborn child. 
 
To John… words cannot express how thankful I am for you. You are so amazing, and I could not be where I am without you. I appreciate everything you’ve been doing for me. You are absolutely incredible. 
 
To my dearest Spencer…Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We want you to know how special you are to us, and how much we miss you. You will forever be with us, in our thoughts and in our hearts. You are the most perfect little angel. One day, we will see you again sweet baby boy. Xoxoxo
 
Wiping away the tears, Marlena slowly took a deep breath. Composed, she stared at the screen before pressing on “Share”. She stared off into space for a few moments before closing her laptop, leaving it on the kitchen table as she walked like a zombie upstairs. She made her way down the hall and to the left, going into the third room on the right. 
 
Spencer’s room. Looking around the room, she thought about how their son was supposed to be there with them. He would be cuddling with all the stuffed bears and eyeing all the baseball decorations that surrounded the blue painted room. She remembered when John first showed her the finished product, she laughed. She accused him of going with a baseball theme more so for himself rather than for their son. 
 
Walking further into the room, her eyes came upon a child sized baseball glove. Spencer was supposed to grow up to play catch with John. He would eventually teach him the game and they would enroll him in little league. John had it all planned out from the moment they found out they were having a boy. 
 
Taking the leather glove in her shaking hands, Marlena held it to her heart. In that moment she broke down. Falling to her knees on the shag area rug near the crib, Marlena cried out, not holding back as her body was overcome with heartbreaking and uncontrollable sobs. 
 
***
 
Returning from the office, John kicked his shoes off and stifled a yawn. He hadn’t planned on going into the office that day. He hadn’t thought of going back to work at all actually. Emails were piling up, but he ignored them. The head of Basic Black at the Chicago branch was in charge until further notice and he was forwarding everything to her. If it hadn’t been for a phone call from said manager, Kristen Blake, and for the urging from Marlena, John wouldn’t have gone in. Although he only agreed to go in for one hour tops, he felt bad about leaving her alone.
 
He wasn’t sure she was ready to be alone yet. Not just because of the grief, but because of the recovery from the surgery as well. He had been by her side, helping, supporting and comforting her since the day they came home from the hospital, childless. John knew how hard it was for her to go into the hospital with a baby and have to leave without one. It was hell for him too. As much as he was hurting, seeing her hurt intensified his pain. He wished he could take her pain away.
 
Looking into the living room John sighed sadly. It had been two weeks since Spencer had become their guardian angel and John dreaded the feeling of an empty house. He climbed the two steps and walked to the end of the room, throwing himself on the sofa. He proceeded to undo the top two buttons from his shirt and the ones from his cuffs, rolling up his sleeves. He took a few minutes to himself before looking around the house. “Marlena?” he called out as he climbed the stairs.
 
He didn’t hear a response as he dropped his briefcase off in his office. Wanting to check on her, John made his way to his bedroom. Ever since he took her home Marlena had been sleeping in his bed with him. Unable to spend the first night alone, Marlena surprised John when she climbed into his bed in the middle of the night. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as she cried herself to sleep. The next night John invited her to sleep with him again, wanting her to know that he was there to comfort her and that she didn’t have to deal with the loss alone. From then it became routine for her to sleep in his bed. Looking around, she wasn’t there. 
 
Next, he went down the hall to one of the guestrooms, the one which had been designated as Marlena’s room. Apart from spending the night with him, this was her bedroom. He looked inside and again, he didn’t find her. Going to the nursery, he found her sitting in the rocking chair, glove still clutched tightly to her chest. His heart broke at the sight. He imagined that it was Spencer that she was rocking to sleep, rather than the view that he was seeing now. Slowly approaching her, John placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. 
 
Marlena peered up at him teary eyed and John could tell how exhausted she was. “How were things at the office?” She tried to compose herself, placing the glove softly on her lap and wiping away her tears.
 
He smiled sadly down at her when he pulled her hands away from her face, wiping her tears for her. “It’s still standing, and it will remain standing without me for a while still…Let’s go get some rest,” he suggested as he bent down and scooped her up in his arms, carrying her back to his bed. Laying her down in the centre of the bed, John took off his crisp white blouse and climbed in beside her, resting his head close to hers as he softly and soothingly ran his fingertips against her scalp until she fell into a deep sleep.

​2 weeks earlier…

The ride home from the hospital that night seemed like the longest car ride he had ever taken, when in reality John only lived approximately ten minutes away. The silence was deafening, no words uttered between the grieving parents, no radio to fill the void. He would occasionally look over to the passenger side and he could see Marlena staring ahead, looking completely hallow and his throat would tighten as he fought hard to keep his tears at bay.

The pain of losing their son just a few hours ago was piercing through him like a knife, and to see Marlena sitting there, the small hat Spencer wore until they had to say goodbye to him clutched in her tight fists, face tear stained and looking lost, kept eating what was left of him. His mind swirled with thoughts and memories and John was having a hard time keeping it together. 

Once parked in his driveway John let out a heavy sigh before exciting the car and going to the passenger side. Frank and Martha arrived shortly after them, just in time to help Marlena out of John’s SUV. Together Frank and John helped ease her out of her seat and walked her inside, one man on either side. 

“I’m going to put her bed,” John said once they stood in the living room. 

Frank nodded while Martha approached apprehensively. She cradled her daughter’s head and softly placed her lips against her head. “Good night, honey. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Martha whispered into Marlena’s hair. “Your daddy and I love you so so much and we’re here for you.”

“Would you like some help getting her up?” Frank asked.

John shook his head and mouthed that he was good. 

Neither said a word as they slowly made their way up the staircase of John’s house and down the hall. Turning right at the end, John closed the nursery door as they passed by, going further down until they reached a bedroom. Supporting Marlena, John led the way to the guestroom, making sure she did not overdo it. The nurse had given Marlena a dose of Dilaudid right before she was discharged but John knew she was still in pain, not to mention weak. 

Leading her into the bedroom, John helped her to lay down onto the big bed in the center of the room, adjusting the pillows to allow for the most comfort possible. As John covered her with the sheets, Marlena never let go of the small hat she clutched in her hands, and as soon as he was done tucking her in, she closed her eyes without even looking at him.

John sat on the edge of the bed for a few moments longer wanting to say something, anything at all, but no words would come out. Instead he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before standing up and leaving the room. As soon as John shut the door, he released a heavy sigh.

“You should get some sleep yourself,” Frank suggested when John reached the open seating area in front of the staircase, where he and Martha sat. “You’ve been awake for more than 24 hours.”

“Nah, I’m not tired,” he answered as he took a seat in one of the accent chairs. 

Frank and Martha could clearly tell that he was exhausted, but he was putting on a strong front.

“Honey, I know it feels that way,” Martha began, “but that’s just adrenaline you’re running on. Soon you’ll crash.”

“I can’t think of sleep right now.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m worried about Marlena. It’s been a traumatic day for her what with losing the baby and the surgery.”

“Yes, it’s very traumatic,” Martha agreed, putting a supportive hand on his shoulder. “Not just for Marlena, for you as well. You lost your son. You’re both going to need love and support, which is why Frank and I will be staying in Salem for some time. We’ll be here for the both of you as long as you need.”

“We’ll go stay at Marlena’s for the night,” added Frank. “We’ll come back tomorrow to check on the both of you.”

“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that. I insist you stay here.”

“We couldn’t,” Frank tried to protest, not wanting to impose and wanting to give them both their time and space to grieve privately.

“Nonsense,” insisted John. “I have lots of room. Besides, I think it would do Marlena some good to have her parents here when she wakes up.”

Speaking of Marlena, the three of them looked in the direction of Marlena’s room when they heard the sound of muffled sobs.

As John was about to stand up, Martha gently stopped him. “I’ll go. You rest,” she offered a sad smile. 

When Martha walked in, Marlena peered over at the door before quickly closing her eyes again. Martha wasn’t sure if she registered disappointment in Marlena’s look or not. Climbing into bed with her daughter, Martha carefully took her in her arms and held her until the sobs subsided and she fell asleep. Keeping up a strong front, Martha waited until she knew Marlena was actually asleep before she let her own tears flow freely. 

***

The men were walking downstairs, both with a glass of whiskey in hand. “I don’t know what to do,” John said frustratingly. “It’s like I can’t go to sleep, yet I can’t do nothing either. Marlena is completely devastated – so am I – and there’s regret…” he stopped mid-sentence and swallowed the harsh liquid before sitting down at the banquette table attached to the island. “I don’t know what to do to help her,” he continued with a different train of thought. “I have no idea how to help the both of us.”

Frank rubbed his index along his bottom lip, trying to think of what to say to help John. “I don’t think there’s very much you can do besides just being there and going through this together, honestly.”

Several minutes later Martha was descending the stairs in search of the men’s voices.

“How is she doing?” John questioned her once she joined him and Frank in the kitchen. 

Sighing, Martha plopped down onto the seat next to Frank. She couldn’t hide the pain she wore on her face; she couldn’t hide how much she was hurting. The sight of watching her daughter cry herself to sleep over the loss of the baby she never got a chance to keep tore her apart inside.

“I don’t know. She just cried herself to sleep. I don’t know how to help her right now, and honestly, I don’t think she wants me to be the one that sits by her bedside.” She thought back to the look that flashed across Marlena’s face when she entered the room and how she didn’t say a single word.

John’s brow furrowed for a moment.

“Darling, you’re the father of her baby, surely she wants you. I know losing Spencer is going to be hard for not only her to get through, but for you as well, but she needs you.”

“I was so angry at her,” admitted John in a defeated tone. “I was childish, and I hurt her with not only my words, but my actions.”

Confusion written over his face as he looked at the young man sitting across from him, Frank asked, “what do you mean?”

“The day Marlena told me that she was pregnant, I accused her of doing it on purpose. We had our biggest fight yet. I said some awful things, and our fight never got resolved through this whole thing. I never got to tell her that I didn’t regret our baby.” 

Seeing the pain on John’s face, Martha felt her heart break for him as she reached across the table and took his hand. She couldn’t stand to see her child in pain, and when it came to John, she felt the same way and it killed her to see them going through such a rough time.

“You can’t think that what happened is because of something you said months ago? It wasn’t your fault that this happened.” Martha wanted to make sure he knew that. He was filled with emotions already; he didn’t need some made up thought to burden him even more.

“I know that…,” he admitted. Just because he knew it, it still didn’t stop the guilt from creeping up on him. “Ever since we’ve been back home, I haven’t been able to stop those memories though.” Their fight replayed in his mind during the drive home and again when he was putting her to bed, the guilt of saying those words nagging at him.

Martha looked at John sadly. “We all say things that we don’t mean, but I don’t think you should fret over this. You two have had your share of ups and downs, but I have seen the way she is when she’s with you and I’m sure she’s forgiven the things you’ve said to her.” 

“I can’t see how she’d ever forgive me after the horrible way I’ve treated her.” He stared down into his glass before bringing it up to his lips and finishing it.

“You don’t have to see it. I’ve seen it. We’ve seen it,” she reassured. “The last few months, trust me when I tell you that, to me, she has seemed nothing but happy when around you.”

His throat tightened and he struggled to swallow his emotions. “Marlena is a remarkable young woman,” he told them eventually. “She didn’t deserve any of this.”

“Neither did you,” added Frank. 

“She’s going to need you right now, John. You’re going to need each other,” Martha said softly. 

“I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless.”

“Go be with Marlena. That’s all you need to worry about right now.”

Frank leaned forward, resting his arms on the tabletop. “John, anything worth having is worth fighting for and my daughter is very worth it.” 

“Frank…” warned Martha.

Frank knew he shouldn’t be getting involved but his daughter was suffering so much, and he wanted to help any way he could, even though it wouldn’t fix everything. “I see the way you look at her,” he went on, “and how she looks at you, despite everything that’s happened.”

John nodded, tears filling his eyes. He wasn’t a man of tears, but losing their baby pained him in the worst possible way and he was emotionally raw right now.

“Thanks.” He nodded, swallowing the ball in his throat. “I’m going to go in to see her and then I think I’ll try getting some sleep.” John responded, giving them a quick nod and standing up. “Oh, I almost forgot; take any room you’d like, either upstairs or on the main floor. They each have a bathroom and you should find everything you need in there or in the closet.”

“Thank you. Sleep well, darling.”

“Goodnight,” Frank added.

“Night.”

Evidence of old tears lingered on Marlena’s cheeks as she slept. John sat in the chair next to her bedside and stared at the beautiful woman he was happy to call the mother of his child. He prayed more than anything that she would wake up and not be upset with him, he couldn’t bear the thought of losing her again. John truly did love her; his only regret was that it took him this long to finally realize that.

“I’m so sorry, Doc.” He cried, lacing his fingers with hers. “We’ll get through this together.”

He sat by her side, softly rubbing his thumb over her hand for a few minutes before quietly sneaking out and heading to his bedroom. He went to bed but was unable to succumb to sleep.

**

“Spencer,” Marlena said sleepily as she slowly began to open her eyes again.

She couldn’t recall going to sleep, the last thing she’d remember before this moment was crying into her mother’s arms over the loss of her precious baby. It just wasn’t fair. Unable to stand being alone, she slowly managed to get out of bed without too much pain, taking her time to walk out of the room.

After what seemed like an eternity of staring at the ceiling, John heard his bedroom door squeak open. Looking to the side, he saw Marlena sneaking in. She slid under the covers next to him without making a sound. Looking down at her, John said nothing as he opened his arms and pulled her into his chest. 

After a long moment of silence Marlena’s soft, sad voice could be heard. “For 8 months I was never alone,” she explained. “Even though I was the only one at home, Spencer was always with me. Now that he’s gone, I feel so alone.”

John tightened his grip around her slightly. “I got you sweetheart,” he whispered before silence overtook them again, sleep eventually catching up as well.

The first night at home was hell. Absolute hell.
 
Marlena drifted in and out of sleep fitfully. Her body and mind exhausted and spent, while her arms remained achingly empty. She and John curled together in the middle of the large master bed with Spencer’s tiny hat and hospital blanket clutched between them.
 
Every time she closed her eyes she was back in the hospital room with John and Spencer. Marlena could remember every detail vividly. Exactly how his weight felt in her arms. How light he was. How tiny. How warm and gentle John’s arms felt wrapped around the both of them. How safe he’d made them feel. Their whole family. A universe unto themselves for a very short while.
 
That small amount of time was her son’s entire life, and Marlena was glad that all he’d known was her and John’s loving embrace. Spencer knew nothing of hatred or malice. She hoped he knew nothing of fear. And she’d done her best to ensure he had not known pain. 
 
She remembered how surprised and delighted they were to find that Spencer had the most beautiful eyelashes. She’d noticed them when his eyes fluttered opened at the sound of her voice. His tiny brow had raised slightly, almost inquisitively, searching for her voice and in that moment, Spencer looked so much like John that Marlena smiled. They had marveled in him and how peaceful he seemed, despite it all.
 
She could still feel his tiny hand wrapped around her finger. The squeeze. And when he let go. She hated remembering when he let go.
 
Every time she opened her eyes, for a split second, Marlena forgot. Disoriented from sleep, she would yawn and stretch and lean her head closer against John’s chest, taking a moment to listen to the strong steady beating of his heart before reaching down her arms to cradle her belly. But then she always found her stomach empty and distended and sore from the surgery and she remembered that John’s heart was as broken as hers and it all came rushing back like an unstoppable tsunami of horror and despair that threatened to drown her. Did drown her.
 
Spencer was gone. Her baby was dead.
 
It was too much to process.
 
The bile would rise in her throat and Marlena pulled away from John’s grip, stumbling from the bed on shaky legs to the master bathroom before trying to empty the contents of an already empty stomach into the toilet. But the ache in her stomach was nothing compared to the ache she felt in her soul. She cried even though there were no more tears left to cry and was always relieved to feel John behind her, running a soothing hand down her back until she was ready to try to sleep again.
 
John always followed her.
 
She couldn’t count how many times the cycle repeated but when she finally could see light creeping into the bathroom from the rising sun, she felt a wave of guilt.
 
Still uncomfortably hunched over the toilet with John’s hands making small circles on her back, Marlena moaned. “Oh God.” She rested her head on her arms and closed her eyes for a moment as another wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm her. When the moment passed, she turned back to look at John’s teary gaze. He looked as exhausted as she felt.
 
“I’m sorry I kept you up.”
 
“Nothing to be sorry for,” John assured her, moving his hands to her shoulders and squeezing gently. “I can’t really sleep either. I don’t — I don’t think I want to yet…”
 
His voice shook and Marlena felt a lump form in her throat. He was a mess and right now she didn’t know what to do for him because she was a mess too. They were a mess. John had been wonderful and supportive from the moment they’d heard their baby’s prognosis, and Marlena didn’t think she’d have been able to do this with any shred of sanity without him by her side.
 
He deserved to be taken care of as much as he was caring for her.
 
And yet, Marlena didn’t think she could give him what he needed. She couldn’t even help herself. All she could do for John that first morning was turn around and pull him into a fierce embrace. It was certainly not enough. She wished she could help more, but she didn’t know what else to do. Because she was broken too.
 
“We don’t have to sleep,” Marlena offered weakly, tears falling onto John’s shirt. She raised one hand to his cheek, wiping away the wetness she found there. Before Spencer, she rarely saw him cry. “We don’t have to do anything today. We can just stay here together. We can do that.”
 
He nodded, sniffling audibly, and lifting her up into his lap as she rested her head at the crook of his neck. They rocked back and forth, finding some relief in the motion. John had Spencer’s blanket draped across his shoulder and Marlena could still smell her baby boy and for another small while she felt like they were the whole universe again.
 
All free of the agony of the night and day before.
 
By the time the sun fully rose, John and Marlena were sound asleep on the bathroom floor.
 
Now, cradling Marlena to his chest as they lay on the cold marble flooring of his lavish master bathroom, stiff from spending the morning sleeping there rather than in his bed, John felt lost. He realized he didn’t really know how to be in a world where his son was no longer living, even though he’d hardly experienced a world with Spencer alive. How strange it was, to miss someone you barely had the chance to know. Barely even had the chance to touch. Spencer was gone and John was never going to see him again.
 
What did he do when he found out that his own child was doomed?
 
First, he’d wanted to scream. To be honest, he still wanted to scream. Or maybe break something. And he wanted desperately to change places with his son. He’d gladly lay down his own life if it meant that his son could live.
 
Marlena had hit the nail on the head. None of it was fair. None of it was just. All of it was out of their control. So, John tried to control the only things he could. Shell shocked and devastated as he’d been, John knew that Marlena and Spencer had needed him not to fall apart. Now, John amended with a gulp, only Marlena needed that. And focusing on her distracted him from his own feelings, so John had poured all his energy into caring for his son’s mother.
 
He’d spent the night following back and forth from the bed to the bathroom, able to offer little more than his shoulder to cry on. Looking down at her face, gently cradled in his lap, John brushed a lock of hair away from her cheek. She had cried in her sleep. The dark circles of exhaustion present beneath her eyes held small pools of moisture. The mid-afternoon sun shone fully into the small space, hitting Marlena’s hair and face. Looking beautiful, despite it all. Finally, after a night of nightmares it seemed that she’d found some peace. She’d managed a little throughout the night, but clearly not much by the way of actual rest. 
 
John felt trapped in wakefulness. He wasn’t usually one to dream, but he was more than a little afraid of what awaited him after he closed his eyes. Which is why he was both relieved and disappointed to find that his brief sleep that first morning was empty and dreamless.
 
But now he was wide awake. And without a plan. Tired of staying still. He felt cooped up and useless. What did you do when you were too agitated to sleep on the first day of life without your child? Did you make coffee? Get the paper? Watch the game?
 
All that seemed so pointless now.
 
A growl emanated from his stomach, causing Marlena to shift and murmur in her sleep. And that gave him some direction. He needed sustenance. Glancing down at her, he made a decision. She would need to eat too eventually, but on that first day he thought letting her sleep might be more important to help her body recover.
 
So, he gathered a fragile Marlena in his arms and carried her back out to the bedroom. Marlena stirred a little as he placed her gently on the mattress, wrapping the sheet and comforter around her as though they could protect her from her pain. 
 
Reaching to his shoulder, John gently grasped his fingers around Spencer’s blanket, reveling in how soft it was. Pulling the blanket, John carefully transferred the cloth to Marlena’s relaxed hands, sighing as she immediately and innately seemed to recognize the object, holding it close and cradling it almost the same way she had when the baby was alive. 
 
He crept out of the room, starting in the direction of the stairs, going directly toward the kitchen, planning to make it quick and easy, not wanting to be far from Marlena for very long.
 
But he never got his toast.
 
The sight of the crib, visible through the partially opened nursery door as he walked down the hallway brought John to his knees. He had closed the door last night. He was powerless to control the wave of panic, anger, despair, and hopelessness that washed over him as he could see in his mind’s eye all the moments he’d planned that were now lost to him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t stop the tears.
 
John couldn’t even manage to crawl over to the door to pull it shut, even though he desperately wanted to hide the crushing evidence of all he’d lost from view. He fumbled his way over to the wall, sighing heavily as he leaned his head back against the cool surface. A strangled cry escaped his lips as he struggled to calm down. He covered his mouth, straining to keep his sobs quiet and secret from the woman he loved who was sleeping in the next room.
 
Marlena needed him not to fall apart.
 
A gentle hand on his shoulder caused him to jump. Just the sight of Marlena’s mother was enough to comfort him a little. Taking deep desperate breaths, John wiped his eyes, determined to secure some sort of control over this unwelcome outburst. 
 
“John?” Martha’s weary voice was like a beacon in a storm.
 
“Hi,” John sniffed, leaning his head back against the wall behind him and holding a hand to his forehead. “I can’t – I was going to make breakfast and I wanted to go to the kitchen, but I can’t go past –”
 
John wasn’t usually one to blubber or to have trouble speaking, but today was a first in more than one respect. He couldn’t do something so simple as walk past the nursery door for starters.
 
“Oh John,” Martha soothed, sinking down to the floor with him.
 
Feeling suddenly embarrassed, John straightened his shoulders and he tried to speak more rationally. “We had a rough night. Really rough. It’s just hard to see the…nursery.”
 
“Honey.” Without looking at her, he knew from her voice that Martha was crying. “I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. And Marlena? I wanted to check on her a few times during the night, but I didn’t want to disturb her if she was sleeping.”
 
“She slept in my room last night,” he sniffed. “I guess she didn’t want to be alone. But she’s asleep now.”
 
“What can I do to help? Whatever I can do, I will. What do you need?”
 
For some reason that question threw John for a loop. What he really needed was impossible. Martha, could you bring back my dead baby boy?
 
“I…” John fumbled, finally settling on the only thing he could think would potentially even make a difference. He felt like he didn’t want himself and Marlena to be alone. “I don’t know what you and Frank had planned for today, but could you stay a little while longer?”
 
“Of course.” Standing up, Martha reached down and grabbed hold of John’s hands, pulling him briskly to his feet and then into her warm embrace. Together they walked over to the nursery and shut the door.
 
***
 
Later that afternoon, with Marlena still having yet to come out, Martha went in the room, offering food but all she got in return was Marlena’s refusal. She did not want to get up, she did not want to shower, she did not want to eat, and she especially didn’t want to talk.
 
Settling in bed with her, Martha tried to pull Marlena into her embrace, but she resisted. With a sad sigh Martha settled on just sitting beside her daughter. She wiped her tears and told her that Spencer was safe in God’s care and that she was loved. Despite not being a big believer, Martha promised she would pray for Spencer. 
 
“How about you come down for some food? I think that would help you a bit,” she tried to convince her once again.
 
“I’m not hungry.”
 
“I really think it would do you some good.”
 
“I don’t care what you think,” Marlena said, annoyance present in her voice. “I’m not hungry.”
 
The only people she worried about disappointing were John and Spencer. Marlena didn’t think she’d let her son down in the short time he’d spend on earth. At least she hoped with all her being that she had not. She’d poured everything she was into being what her son needed in his brief existence. And she was trying not to let John down, even if she didn’t feel like she was succeeding. She just felt overwhelmed and confused. 
 
She ached for Spencer.
 
All Marlena could think about was the why. Not the medical scientific why. She understood that. It was the other why. The hand that guided the science. Why did this have to happen? Why did God let this happen to her? To John. To their baby. Was it because of their sins? People they’d hurt? Rebecca? Had she not lived her life as God intended? She didn’t think she could cope with him being gone, but nothing could change the course of events. It had happened and there was no turning back.
 
She wasn’t exactly sure how someone was supposed to respond to losing their child. But Marlena was satisfied, if not content, to let the world pass her by as she lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take her to see her baby boy again.
 
And when she closed her eyes, the dreams were usually still there, and she was back in the hospital room with John and Spencer. Only once her exhaustion had hit, sometimes the dream was different from the truth. It was almost the same, but somehow comforting and not devastating. Spencer didn’t struggle as he tried to hold on. Best of all, the time didn’t feel so short.
 
She knew it was a dream that didn’t line up with her own detailed waking memory. But it was a welcome respite from being awake, so Marlena let herself sleep her days and nights away. Awake, she ached for the baby she would never hold again in this life. So, Marlena surrendered herself to the welcome embrace of unconsciousness. At least there he was in her arms again.
 
***
 
John seemed to snap out of the bed funk fairly quickly; by the second day he would get up on his own and shower at least. Sometimes he’d come back and stay with Marlena in the bed for a while, holding her and kissing her. Those first few days she didn’t talk much. Maybe couldn’t. John seemed to understand. So, they only spoke the words that really mattered. Sometimes, once Marlena was asleep, he would get up and stay up. She didn’t know how he did it.
 
But then, Marlena supposed with another rush of guilt, there were still things to be done. Details to be handled. Out of the two of them, John was the only one in any position to really act. She didn’t feel like eating or talking. Breathing and thinking felt like a gargantuan effort in and of themselves. All she could do was lay numbly in the bed, curled up with Spencer’s hat close to her chest, listening to the whispered conversations of John and her family, sometimes she would hear John’s parents voice added to the mix. 
 
Along with John who would come in from time to time and hold her, both of their families took the time to go up and check on Marlena. They would make sure Marlena would keep up with her pain medication, because if it weren’t for them, she would be in physical pain on top of her emotional pain. She really wasn’t in the right state to take care of herself, she barely even had the motivation to get up and go to the washroom or to eat. The only one who was able to get her to eat, no matter how small it may be, was John.

​While Marlena seemed to sleep all the time, John barely slept at all.
 
It worried him. It made him feel lonely. Like it wasn’t just Spencer he’d lost, but Marlena too.
He would check on her constantly, day and night. He spent much of his days curled by her side. He’d lay awake at night, watching her to make sure she was still breathing. Also, he watched to make sure she didn’t ingest anything that would cause her to stop. 
 
Every time he passed the medicine cabinet, John found himself double and triple counting pills. It was a somewhat irrational fear, he knew, and he had yet to voice it to his mother or anyone else. But suddenly to John it didn’t feel so unthinkable. Unthinkable things had happened in his life enough already. Losing their son was not an easy reality to adjust to. He struggled himself with the will to go on. Even so, John didn’t think Marlena would try to end her life.
 
He shook himself and turned his gaze back down at the woman in his arms. It was the middle of the night, and actually the fact that Marlena was asleep right now wasn’t unusual. He had no doubt that most people in Salem were actually asleep right now. But he also had no doubt that none of his neighbors had spent the day (and certainly not the last three days) mostly sleeping as Marlena had.
 
John was afraid of her sleeping.
 
However, if he was honest, John found that he also felt afraid when she was awake. He could handle if she wailed and cried, which she did. She wailed and cried sometimes, and he held her close and cried with her. But mostly Marlena just slept and when she was awake, she just kind of stared, holding the baby’s blanket or hat to her chest. She rarely spoke and that freaked John out. It was like the woman he loved was buried beneath countless impenetrable layers of grief. Like she wasn’t even there. Maybe she wasn’t.
 
“Hey,” he coaxed, sensing a change in her breathing. He knew she’d woken up but had yet to open her eyes. She did that a lot. I love you, he thought of saying but he didn’t want her to think the only reason he was saying it was to comfort her. He wanted her to believe it when he said it. 
 
Usually she didn’t reply, and he held no hope that she would now either. But he was wrong. She sighed and slid her cold fingers into John’s, squeezing gently.
 
“I wish we’d gotten to keep him,” she whispered, eyes still closed. 
 
“So do I,” he admitted, using his free hand to stroke her unruly hair. Marlena whimpered and he pulled her close. “But you know what? We got to see him and hold him before he left us. I’m glad I got to experience that with you.”
 
Marlena sniffed and continued plaintively, “I miss him.”
 
“I miss him too.” He bit his lip and blinked back tears. “Always…”
 
She nodded and curled close to John, breaths deepening as she began to drift off. He sighed.
 
Marlena was asleep. Again. He missed her too.
 
She slept the days always and the days became a total blur as life went on as normal outside the window. The shops were open, the streets bustled with traffic, and everyone went about their business, as if nothing happened, as if her life had not ended, as if her heart had not lost any happiness it could have ever hoped for on that goddamn night just four days ago.
 
She shouldn’t be surprised, Marlena supposed. Life did go on as it always had for everyone except for she and John. But just as outside the window the world lived on, within the walls of John’s home everything had stopped. This house should be full of soft whimpering, strange smells, unfamiliar sounds. It should be full of slowly deflating balloons and colourful, happy clutter. The house should be full of love and happiness, as should her penthouse.
 
There was nothing though. Nothing in the halls, nothing in the rooms, nothing in her heart. John’s house was empty, emptier than it had ever been, since that horrible night where everything went wrong. Where instead of giving birth and welcoming a baby — a son that she had carried in her womb for nearly nine months — they went home empty handed. 
 
Something went wrong, they were told by the doctor. It was not her fault, not anyone’s, Dr. Cramer stressed. Not anyone’s fault, but it had still happened to them, and the only thing Marlena felt now was regret that she couldn’t keep her baby safe. All she could remember was the flurry of activity around her, John’s frantic questions, and her son’s silence. 
 
The baby’s silence that seemed to bounce off the walls of the OR as it sank into her heart. There was no cry, no shriek as they pulled him out of her womb. She remembered feeling overjoyed when the doctor announced, “he’s here”, but that all came crashing down on her when she realized he wasn’t wailing like babies normally do. And that’s when the counting began, minutes on end of silence from her baby as doctors and nurses worked hard to get his tiny lungs to breathe. She could remember closing her eyes to pray as John clutched at her hand. 
 
And now she was home, staring outside the windows making the far corner of John’s bedroom, watching as life went on without her child. The quiet of the house was enough for her to hear John in the next room, the room that should have been the nursery, as he emptied the drawers and folded the little onesies that he had bought just a few weeks ago. She could hear him sob, but she tried to block the sound. She didn’t want to talk to him; she didn’t want to talk about the child she was grieving with every stabbing beat of her heart. She didn’t want to talk to the man who once filled her mind with fairy tales and dreams about a joyful and happy future.
 
For that reason, she didn’t mind when she heard new people come into the house to sit with them. She took comfort in their words and embraces. She was glad that someone could be there for John when she clearly could not.
 
Since that day, John and Marlena never seemed to be completely alone. If John’s parents or Marlena’s parents weren’t there, someone else seemed to be. Marlena barely left John’s room and mostly drifted in and out of sleep, but she could hear people in the house at various times tripping over themselves to be quiet, as though there really was an infant to worry about waking. But there wasn’t.
 
There was no baby to fill their life with joy. There was no joy, no life, no colour, no feeling…but even though her body was numb, it apparently was not numb enough to dull the pain, the guilt, and the anger.
 
It came on when she heard Philip and John begin to quietly dismantle the nursery. That day, Marlena found the strength to go down the hallway, Spencer’s blanket resting across her shoulder as John had done. She nodded when both father and son offered greetings and she watched blankly as the two men carefully deconstructed the crib.
 
Eyeing the packed boxes around the room, a part of Marlena wondered what they would do with the rest of it, the onesies, the bottles, the toys. Not like it was going to be used any time soon. Her eyes filled with tears. For the first time in days Marlena felt something other than sadness. Her nostrils flared. She was angry.
 
“So soon? Without even talking to me?”
 
Philip’s hands paused on the crib and his eyes flicked from John to Marlena. He focused on John for a split second longer, with a look that to Marlena could only mean, I told you so. The older man seemed to want to say something, but remained silent, placing his tools on the ground and settling his body against the wall, seemingly waiting to see how things played out.
 
John winced and dropped his gaze to the crib.
 
Surveying the room once more, Marlena crossed her arms. She didn’t really want to look at it all, in fact she wanted to close her eyes and block it all out, but she couldn’t quite come to terms with the idea of getting rid of it all either. Not Spencer’s things. Or what should have been his things. Not without some say. She felt like she had so little say in any of this.
 
If God had given her a say in any of this, her son would be alive.
 
“Marlena?” John asked nervously, as though he was sensing her thoughts. “I didn’t mean to leave you out. I – I just thought…it’s hard to walk by here, even with the door closed, you know? Maybe that’s why you…I promise I’m not getting rid of anything. It’ll all be in storage, so if we want to go look at it, it won’t be…here,” he gestured around them. “It’ll be in the garage.”
 
She let her eyes continue to roam around the room, taking in the still hung baseball bat and catching glove on the far wall. The thought of an always empty crib did make her sick to her stomach. 
 
Watching Marlena closely, John added, “But I’m sorry. I should have talked to you. None of this has to go there if you don’t want it too.”
 
Marlena sighed, knowing this wasn’t her home so she didn’t really have a say. Her anger rushed away as quickly as it had come and left her more tired than she already was. She leaned heavily against the door frame thinking of all the daydreams she’d had about her baby and this room. Her baby and his room back at her penthouse. 
 
Her continued silence seemed to unnerve John, and his voice dropped lower still. “It was just hard for me see.”
 
Marlena couldn’t argue with that. She didn’t want to worry about John’s heart breaking every time he walked down the hall. Especially when she left his bedroom so rarely and he made the journey every day. He was just trying to take care of her. He was trying to take care of both of them. Marlena couldn’t fault him for that. Not when she wasn’t able to care for John or herself. Her gaze stopped on the still assembled rocking chair in the room.
 
“No, you’re right. It makes sense. Putting it away is a good idea,” she said quietly, voice as tired as her body. 
 
John’s shoulders sagged with relief as Marlena yawned. He sniffed and swallowed hard, his eyes closing briefly. He seemed surprised. 
 
Philip gave Marlena a sympathetic smile and resumed packing the crib. She reminded him of Katherine when they lost their daughter before she could even be born.
 
Marlena’s eyes moved inexplicably back to the baseball decorations, and she found herself making her way through the room to that wall. John jumped to his feet and stood beside her as she traced her fingers along the wooden bat. 
 
Wrapping his arms around Marlena’s shoulders, he almost laughed, “I thought you weren’t a fan of the baseball theme.”
 
She looked at his arms, eyes dropping and said nothing. John frowned and pressed a kiss to the side of her head.
 
It was Philip who broke the silence, remarking sweetly, “Hey, we were going to take a lunch break in a bit. Katherine is warming up pasta. Do you think you want to come eat?”
 
“Yeah,” John agreed. “You haven’t been eating enough. Try some lunch with me.”
 
He looked down at her eagerly, eyes suddenly so filled with hope that Marlena had to look away. She pulled her arms to her chest and held Spencer’s blanket, staring at the rocking chair. Marlena considered joining the Blacks, she really did, but the more she was awake the more crushed she felt by the reality of it all. The fact that her baby’s room was the last real evidence in this home that she’d become a parent at all, and it was getting boxed up and sent away. The look in John’s eyes that told her she was scaring him. The devastating fact that the one person she really wanted to be with was Spencer, and that she was never going to rock him to sleep in the dark wood rocking chair.
 
It was still too much to process.
 
So, Marlena shook her head, almost violently, and backed out of the nursery retreating back to her bedroom before Philip or John could utter a single word.
 
She was curled up in the middle of the bed for a while until someone finally came and softly knocked at the door. It was Katherine and she had with her a plate of food. “Your mother was going to bring this up, but I offered to do it instead. I thought we could talk.” She placed the plate on the bedside table and sat down by Marlena’s feet. 
 
Marlena sat up straighter, her back against the headboard. “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to eat either.” She winced when she tried to bring her knees up to her chest. 
 
“When is the last time you took your pain medication?”
 
“I don’t know,” Marlena admitted. Time seemed to be a blur and she couldn’t keep track of what time it was or what day it was. Thankfully John was on top of her medication or else she would be in physical pain all day long. 
 
Katherine gave a weak smile and squeezed Marlena’s knee. “I’ll go ask John. You shouldn’t be in pain if you don’t have to be.”
 
“I’m always in pain,” Marlena muttered. Whether it was physical or emotional, she hurt every moment of every day.
 
“I felt the same way after losing my daughter…” Katherine trailed off, thinking back to the daughter she would have named Sara, had she have lived. 
 
Witnessing first-hand the loss that John and Marlena suffered and being there for them during this time had brought back some bad memories. It had been thirty-three years since she had lost her own baby, but the pain was still there — now more alive than ever. Although not exactly the same, Katherine had a very good understanding of how Marlena felt; she understood how strong her pain was. 
 
“But honey, you have a village here to help you. Your parents are here, Philip and I are here, your friends, but most importantly, John is here.” She left that to sink in as she left the bedroom, returning a few minutes later with a glass of orange juice and medication.
 
“How did you move on?” Marlena’s soft voice came through after swallowing the pills that Katherine handed her. 
 
The middle-aged woman sighed sadly. “My situation was a little different than yours. I never got to meet my baby, but you did.”
 
“I did,” Marlena’s chin quivered as she nodded. 
 
“The aftermath of grief is a tough one.” There was a pause as she sat down on the bed at Marlena’s feet. “It’s something that’s with us every day. It comes and goes. There are triggers, like Christmas and birthdays and family events or when you see other people out there with their families having fun and your arms are empty. That’s never going to go away,” she admitted sadly. “The best way to describe it is that you go through it, you don’t get over it. That loss is permanent. We’re carrying that until we die.” 
 
Katherine left her alone to eat soon after, her words still resonating in Marlena’s head. And for the first time in days, she found that she was awake and had the will and energy to go out to meet her family. Gathering up the courage, Marlena went downstairs for the first time since arriving home after Spencer’s death. She found them in the kitchen, and she went straight to John, pulling him into a hug. 

​John went back to the hospital to claim Spencer on the fifth day.
 
No parent wants to bring home their child from the hospital in a box, but Marlena felt glad that he offered to do it alone. She wasn’t up to going back there yet.
 
Though John hadn’t taken much of the information in at the time, when they completed their paperwork, Dr. Cramer had explained to them that state law mandated that in all infant and fetal deaths of potentially viable gestational age, an autopsy be performed within 24 hours to definitively categorize the cause of death. 
 
The whole idea of an autopsy made John shudder. He knew Spencer’s spirit was not with his body, but the idea that someone was touching him, cutting him — he closed his eyes. He couldn’t even complete the thought really. 
 
Then the parents had a choice after the autopsy, and John and Marlena had opted for cremation. Anything beyond that, at least at the time they’d signed the paperwork, neither one of them had the capacity to decide what would happen to their son’s ashes after. Whether he’d get a funeral or a burial plot or anything else.
 
They still probably didn’t have the capacity to decide, but Spencer simply couldn’t stay at University Hospital anymore.
 
***
 
Marlena’s eyes fluttered open when she heard John come home, Katherine greeting him softly as the door closed behind him. She could hear them crying in the living room. Mustering the strength to get up and go to them, she moved Spencer’s blanket to her shoulder, her legs were shaky from days of minimal use. The journey down the hallway and to the staircase toward the living room was slow, but steady. Looking over the balcony, Marlena paused to take in the sight of John and his mother weeping.
 
She’d seen both their mothers cry a lot this week. She’d seen John cry every day of this miserable horrible week. She’d cried right along with them. But this time seemed different. Marlena’s eyes flicked to the black box sitting on the coffee table. She understood why.
 
“That’s him?”
 
Marlena’s wavering voice seemed loud in contrast to the sound of John and Katherine’s tears. They both were surprised to see her. Looking at Marlena closely John seemed unable to speak, but Katherine held out her arms.
 
“Marlena honey, I didn’t know you were awake…”
 
Venturing to the sofa adjacent to the one John occupied, Marlena settled by Katherine’s side, letting her head rest on her free shoulder. She never took her eyes off of the box on the table. Lifting her hand, she rested her fingers gently on top of the box lid. Her face twisted and the tears that were a constant companion for so many days appeared once more.
 
“It’s not,” John sniffed, using his knuckles to dab at his eyes. “He’s there, but…but it’s not just him. When we signed the papers, we must have said yes. I didn’t even realize we did this but for families that want it…” His eyes flicked from Marlena to his mother uncertainly. “Do you want to see?”
 
Both Katherine and John turned to watch Marlena expectantly. As though she was going to break. Marlena didn’t feel the need to explain that she was already broken beyond repair and wouldn’t have come into the living room at all, if there wasn’t some part of her that did want to see. After all, she knew where John had gone and for what purpose.
 
She felt oddly calm and determined. What was left of her child was finally home.
 
“I want to. I need to…”
 
John’s quivering hand covered Marlena’s and together they gently lifted the lid off of the hospital box. Sure enough, in addition to the small wooden box that Marlena immediately knew held her baby’s ashes, there was a folder and a picture frame. Nestled in the middle was a stuffed lamb. Peering into the box, together Katherine, John and Marlena began to remove the contents. 
 
Katherine ended up with the folder, while Marlena held the lamb and the frame. John lifted Spencer’s box into his lap reverently, running his hands along the smooth surface and Marlena was content to let them be.
 
Turning over the picture frame in her hands, her hand flew to her mouth as she took in the image. Spencer’s full name and the day of his life was bookended by his tiny hand and foot prints. A fairly normal hospital practice for parents of babies that got to go home, but she hadn’t expected it to be something she and John would have for their baby. 
 
Tracing the small outline of his little toes, Marlena realized that she also never expected something so simple to mean so much.
 
“Oh my,” Katherine breathed, as she fumbled to pull out the contents of the folder.
 
The level of emotion in John’s mother’s voice gave Marlena an idea of what else the memory box included exactly, and for a moment she wasn’t sure she was ready to look over to see it. But, clutching both Spencer’s prints and the stuffed lamb to her chest, she turned to take in the prints from Katherine’s unsteady hands.
 
Pictures.
 
There he was again. In colour and in black and white. Professional photographs of her son, taken not long after his passing. There was Spencer. Looking so peaceful against soft cloths that he could almost be sleeping. He was just the same as she remembered him. Exactly as she’d memorized him. Looking at the images of her son, Marlena was nothing but grateful. Because something about the photos felt validating. Compassionate. Someone had taken the same time and effort to photograph her little boy that might have been afforded to a living infant. 
 
She took a photo into her hands and blinked back tears, “These…these are really nice.”
 
“They are,” John agreed.
 
To Marlena, so much about the loss felt empty. The deeply unfair hollowness that the death of her son left in her chest. They left the hospital without their child. The nurseries were empty. But the pictures made her feel like she had more than just her baby’s blanket, tiny hat and her damaged soul as evidence of her son’s life.
 
It was like they were saying Spencer was here. He existed. He’d been alive on this earth. And loved.
 
John was gazing tearfully at the photos as well. “It’s nice that the hospital even did anything like this, for people like —”
 
He stumbled over the next word, so Marlena nodded, “Us. For parents like us.”
 
They were still parents.
 
Still silent, Katherine’s eyes were wide with awe. After a moment, the middle-aged woman was able to pull herself together. “He was really beautiful.”
 
Marlena nodded, a hint of inexplicable pride swelling up in her chest along with another onslaught of tears. Pushing through, she leaned against Katherine. Cautiously her eyes moved to John’s face, “He looks just like his Daddy. Quite the little Black.”
 
Katherine sniffed, holding one picture up for closer inspection, “He does look a lot John did as a baby.”
 
Marlena had never really talked about what Spencer was like. Only with John, and he’d been there every step of the way, so he knew for himself. Talking didn’t hurt as much as Marlena would have thought. It also didn’t pull her in as much as her dreams could, but she did have the inclination to share. She didn’t have the desire to retreat back into the bedroom. She wanted Katherine to know about her grandchild. 
 
“You know, most babies don’t have hair. They look like little old bald men, but not this baby boy.” Marlena looked down at the pictures and smiled sadly. “He had hair. He was so beautiful.”
 
John was watching her, a sad and curious expression playing out across his features. “He was strong, mom,” he added thickly.
 
Marlena’s breath caught. She could still feel his tiny hand wrapped around her finger. The squeeze. And when he let go.
 
“Oh, I am sure he was,” Katherine agreed. She laid the photographs in her lap and used her arms to pull Marlena close as they were all three once more overcome with uncontrollable sobs. “Just like his parents.”
 
“I don’t feel strong,” whispered Marlena after a long pause.
 
***
 
“John, how are you doing…” Philip sat back on the couch and crossed his legs. 
 
“I’m fine dad.” John quickly answered him, trying to push away the pain that was slowly unfurling in his chest.
 
“Don’t bullshit me son. Your mother told me that you went to pick up Spencer earlier.” The words sounded strange coming out of Philip’s mouth and he cocked this head to the side. 
 
“I did. How was grandma’s appointment this morning?” John asked, trying to distract his dad, while he stood up to walk to the kitchen. “Can I get you anything to drink?”
 
Philip didn’t reply, he followed John into the kitchen where he sat on one of the barstools on the right side of the giant island. “I’ll have what you’re having, son…”
 
John turned around to open the refrigerator and took the time to get two bottles of water. Everything to delay the conversation that was looming. He pointed to a glass of water. 
 
With a single shake of his head his father rejected it and took the bottle from him. Philip wasn’t around earlier that day when John returned from the hospital with the box and he wanted to talk about what happened. 
 
John wasn’t sure if he was able to talk…or wanted to talk about it.
 
“Grandma is fine, she is worried about Marlena and you of course…”
 
“Tell her she needs to stop worrying dad, we’ll be all right,” John muttered with as much strength as he could muster, because reality was, they were not all right, far from all right actually. “She’s called me several times, and I tell her not to worry about us…”
 
“Grand-parents always worry. As do your parents…Now tell me son, how are you feeling?”
 
Different thoughts were running through John’s head and he didn’t know where to start. “It felt strange bringing my baby home in a box…as ashes.”
 
“That’s completely understandable.”
 
“I don’t know what to do now,” admitted John. This was never something he thought he would have to deal with. John finally found the strength to look up at his dad, who had been looking at him since they reached the kitchen. 
 
He was staring at John with an undefinable look on his face. It was like his mind was miles away. Finally, he looked down and started to fidget with the label on the bottle.
 
“The first time we were pregnant was when we were married a little over six months. Your mother was so happy…and so was I…” Philip’s eyes met John’s but averted them quickly. “The day we found out we were pregnant we announced it to our best friends at the time. A few months later those same friends threw your mom a baby shower and that same evening when we got home your mother started to bleed…you can say that it was a day of highs and lows. That afternoon, people were so happy for us, then that evening we stood in the emergency room and I said to the receptionist a sentence I will remember forever; I think my wife is having a miscarriage.”
 
John stood there stunned. He couldn’t believe the story his dad was sharing. 
 
“Your mother knew what was happening,” Philip continued, “but she was in denial, telling me over and over again that it could be something else…I guess she was trying to convince herself too…but I knew better…there was just too much blood.” Philip paused to take a deep breath and it seemed to John as if he was trying to compose himself. “Your mother and I spent hours in the examination room. The doctor told us it was too late. I sat on a chair beside her, because there was nothing I could do. Doctors and nurses came by to draw blood, ask questions, write on forms, look, probe, touch, and talk. I felt absolutely helpless.” Philip took a sip of water, swallowing the ball of emotions in his throat. 
 
“Dad…” John didn’t know what else to say.
 
“Later that night they had to deliver the baby. We saw our child, half-developed, tiny and gray and still. We called her Sara…”
 
“Dad, I didn’t know…fuck I didn’t know you had to go through that…” John brushed his hands through his hair and pulled at the ends.
 
Philip simply shrugged and smiled sadly. “You never asked son…besides this isn’t a topic that you discuss over dinner…and I guess there was never a reason to bring it up…” Father and son stared at each other for a long time, both not knowing what to say. “Son, I didn’t tell you this because I want you to feel bad for us, it was a long time ago and even though your mother and I never forgot about it, life does go on. Besides, we have one wonderful son now…” Shifting in his seat he continued, his face solemn.
 
“John, I know the death of Spencer has been rough, especially since you don’t have all the answers. You’re left with something to wonder about, but not understand. Yet each loss of a child is heartrending, and as a man you find yourself in a unique spot. As a man you are the silent sufferer, the one called upon to support and encourage and comfort. Yet inside you are as equally torn up as Marlena, as unsure of what to do next, as grief-filled, discouraged, and aching.”
 
Philip was staring at John, and John could feel the hurt and pain unfurling itself…it was urgently seeking a way to get out…but he couldn’t…he couldn’t fall apart. He had to be strong. He had to be strong for Marlena. John bit the inside of his cheek to divert his thoughts from the pain in his chest. It was too much…so with as much force as he could muster, John threw the half-empty bottle of water against the far kitchen wall. “Fuck dad…I…I don’t know what to do…I just don’t know what to do…”
 
“Son, it’s okay…just let it out…” Philip was now standing next to John and had his hand on his shoulder. “You’ve been holding this in all week. Let it out,” he said encouragingly. As much as Philip tried to be there for his son all week, John had built a wall and he would rarely crumble in front of him.
 
“Tell me what I need to do dad…what do I do to get rid of that horrible feeling? What can I do to make Marlena feel better?”
 
“Come here John…” Philip pulled his son into a hug. 
 
“It was my job to keep her safe dad…and I failed…I failed her; I failed our little baby…”
 
“Your job is to just be there for her,” he said with a sigh. “I am not going to lie to you son, this can tear you apart or bring you closer together. You and Marlena are on the same team…regardless of what difficulties life throws at you. Let her know that no matter what happens you are going to get through it together, and you’ll work through everything together, come what may. As a man…be the first to take initiative. Let her know you’ll be at her side.”

A week had passed since Marlena had given birth to her son. The papers had even gotten wind of it somehow, toting Basic Black Founder and Girlfriend Suffer Great Loss. Another read Tragic news for Businessman John Black and Psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans.
 
Many nights, Marlena had awakened frantically, hearing the sounds of a baby crying, a cold sweat covering her. She’d make her way to the disassembled nursery, taking hold of the baby blanket that Martha had made, and sitting in the rocking chair. Her breasts would leak, and she was ashamed. She usually slept in the rocking chair, until John found her and carried her back to his bed. The cries were bleeding over into her waking existence, and she couldn’t empty her head of her crying child.
 
Marlena shook the horrible memories out of her head. This was one of the times where she wished she could turn her brain off. The last thing she needed right now was to go down memory lane.
 
They made their way into the penthouse in complete silence, ignoring the newspapers left on Marlena’s doormat. There was nothing to say. Nothing that would make it better, nothing that would make the pain go away. 
 
John watched as Marlena immediately headed towards the stairs. He knew she was in pain. Not just emotional pain, but physical pain as well. He could tell by the way she walked.
 
For a moment John just stood in the living room. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he should follow Marlena upstairs or if he should just let her be for a little while. He didn’t know what she needed; didn’t know what he needed either. After five minutes he decided to follow her. She had been too calm, too collected. He needed to see that she wasn’t losing it while she was alone.
 
When John didn’t find her in her bedroom, he checked the other room; the nursery. Or what was supposed to be the nursery.
 
He found her there while she was pulling tiny clothes out from the drawers. 
 
“Doc,” he tried.
 
“I should probably pack these up.” Marlena didn’t look at him while she was talking. She just kept collecting little onesies and folding them up, putting them on the surface of the dresser.
 
“Just leave it for now,” John said. He gently pulled on Marlena’s arm and made her look at him. “The doctor said you should take it easy.”
 
She let out a humorless laugh and shook her head. “What’s the point?”
 
Earlier that day, she had her one week-post op appointment with Doctor Bader. She had said Marlena was recovering well. What she meant was that her incision was healing nicely, because Marlena still felt raw and hallow and as emotional as if it all happened the day before. She prescribed Marlena some more medication to help with the physical pain and as she would any other patient, she advised her to perhaps talk to someone, either a friend or a professional.
 
“Marlena,” John warned. He rubbed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. He knew exactly what she was doing, and he needed for her to stop. He got why she felt the need to pretend like nothing happened, but that wasn’t going to solve anything. “Don’t, okay?”
 
“Don’t what?” Marlena asked.
 
If John didn’t know her any better, he maybe would have believed that she didn’t know what he meant. They had been through hell and back together and he knew her better than anybody.
 
“Don’t act like you’re fine. You’re not fine.” Not only was she dealing with emotional pain, but also physical pain as she was still recovering from the emergency c-section.
 
Marlena bowed her head and her lip started to tremble. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I’m so sorry.” Her shoulders began to shake, and the tears started to flood again.
 
John pulled her closer and rested his chin on the top of her head. “It’s not your fault,” he whispered. “The doctor told you that.”
 
“I don’t get it,” Marlena let out between sobs. “Everything was going great.”
 
John didn’t have any answers for her. He just held her close to him and grieved along with her.
 
Their loss was unexpected. She had been good and when she passed the critical twelve weeks mark they thought everything would be fine. Even after the fall the week before that horrible night, the doctor assured them that Marlena and Spencer were both fine. Up until that point there had been no issues, and even afterwards there were no complications to arise. However, it’s always possible as it turned out. They lost the baby that they had been so happy about.
 
Of course they were nervous. Both had doubts if they would make good parents, but they both had enough faith in each other to know that they would manage.
 
“We’re going to be okay,” John promised. He tried to swallow away his own tears and focus on Marlena.
 
They stayed in each other’s arms for a long time. Neither said a word, but both felt comforted by the others presence. When Marlena ran out of tears and John had a head ache from holding his in, they went downstairs again.
 
Not having been home in a week, Marlena pressed play on the answering machine and flipped through the mail that she got before taking the elevator up to the penthouse. She was flooded with sympathy cards and messages from family, friends, colleagues, even acquaintances. Hurt, Marlena slammed the letters down on the desk. She angrily walked to the piano and poured herself a glass of vodka.
 
“Woah. Don’t you think that’s a little strong right now?” John noted, worried.
 
“Not strong enough.” She wished she had something darker, something stronger. She knew John had plenty at his house. She made a mental note to raid his bar when they returned to his house.
 
Grasping the glass from her grip, John set it down on the piano top and took hold of her hand. “Come on, let’s go get some clothes.” Together they went up to Marlena’s room, packing a bag of clothes she would need. 
 
She picked out lots of sweats and pajamas since that’s all she had been living in all week. Finally, she struggled to find the right outfit to wear the next day. Marlena had attended a few funerals in her life, but this one was the most important one. Flipping through clothes, it took a lot of thought before she settled on the right article to wear for her baby’s funeral. 
 
***
 
Back at John’s home, they were alone. Martha had texted John saying she and Frank had gone out for the evening, wanting to give them space. It was their first time being home alone since they returned from the hospital. To say it felt strange was an understatement. Whether it was Frank and Martha or Philip and Katherine, there was always someone to be there and support them. John didn’t realize how accustomed he had become to having a full house. 
 
“I know we have a fridge full of food that our moms made but would you like to order Chinese or something?” asked John when he noticed the time.
 
“I’m not hungry,” Marlena said as she sat down on the couch facing the fireplace on the other side of the large room. She was pale and the look in her eyes was hallow and cold.
 
“You have to eat something. The doctor said…”
 
“John, please,” she stopped him. “I don’t want to hear it, okay? Not now. Just order something.”
 
With a quick nod John left the living room and walked into the kitchen to grab a take-out menu. He wasn’t even irritated because of Marlena’s fall out. He was glad that she was giving him some kind of response. In the hospital all she had done was stare at the wall.
 
After placing an order John went back to Marlena. He found her laying on the couch with a blanket over her knees. John sat down next to her and pulled her feet on his lap.
“You cold?” he asked.
 
Marlena shrugged and sniffed again. “It’s okay,” she said.
 
The room turned quiet again as both were lost in their own thoughts.
 
“It was my fault,” Marlena said after a while. Before John could respond she continued. “I didn’t want to follow the doctor’s order after the fall, and I overdid it. Maybe if…”
 
“Marlena, don’t,” John warned. “You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? The doctor said that it sometimes just happens. You weren’t lifting things or running marathons. You didn’t overdo it, you didn’t drink, you ate healthy. You did everything you could to protect this baby.”
 
“I was really looking forward to being a mom,” she admitted. “And to see you as a dad. I really thought that we were ready for it.” Marlena sat up and the look on her face broke John’s heart.
 
He had seen her in pain before. He had seen her cry before. She had never looked so defeated though. She looked like she lost all hope and that was the opposite of who she was.
 
“We were,” he agreed. He swallowed away the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. “We will be…One day. You’re still young, you still have time.” Trying to lighten the mood he added, “And I’ll still be able to make kids when I’m an old man.”
 
But Marlena didn’t even smile. Instead she slid down a little more and rested her head on the cushion that was at her back. “I wouldn’t have gotten through today if it wasn’t for you,” she whispered, eyes closed.
 
As much as he wanted to take the credit for that fact, John couldn’t. “I didn’t do much.” The doorbell rang and John quickly stood up. “I guess it’s the delivery guy.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Marlena’s head.
 
John opened the door and paid the boy. He went to get some plates and handed Marlena one. They both didn’t eat much, but he was just glad Marlena at least tried to eat, it felt like she hadn’t consumed much lately.
 
When both of them were done John got rid of the trash and put their plates in the dishwasher. Marlena told him that she was going to shower and immediately headed for the stairs.
 
While she was showering John thought about how different their lives had been just a week ago. Marlena had been thirty-six weeks pregnant and he was the proudest man in the world. Just a week before they had done an ultrasound. Their baby’s heartbeat had filled the room, and everything had looked perfect.
 
He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that their baby was just gone. All the plans they had made didn’t mean a thing anymore. Anger built up inside of him as he thought about what they had lost. John slammed his fist against the wall and repeated that action twice. It didn’t solve anything, but it felt good to let something out.
 
Twenty minutes later Marlena was still in the shower, so John decided to check up on her. He found her in the guest bathroom with a towel wrapped around her on the edge of the bathtub. She had obviously been crying again.
 
“Come on,” John said as he helped her up. He led her to her bedroom, which used to be a guest room. Rummaging through the drawers, he picked some silk pajamas and gently helped her put them on.
 
She wasn’t an invalid and could do it by herself, but he needed to do something.
 
“What happened?” Marlena asked when she saw his bruised hand. She took it in hers and swiped her thumb over the dried blood.
 
“I had a disagreement with a wall,” he explained. He knew that she would understand.
 
She didn’t ask any more questions, but just gave John a sad smile. “Do you mind if I turn in already? I’m exhausted.”
 
“Of course not,” John answered. “I think I’ll join you. I’ll just lock up, okay?”
 
He went downstairs and turned off all the lights. He made sure the doors were locked and then joined Marlena upstairs. After a quick shower he crawled into bed next to Marlena and laid on his back.
 
Although having her ‘own’ room, Marlena still always slept in John’s room, still not wanting to be alone. She dressed and spent time in her room, but anytime she slept, it was in John’s bed.
 
He stared at the ceiling while he was listening to Marlena’s breathing. “Are you in pain?” he asked when he heard her hiss.
 
“It’s okay,” she promised. She had done a lot more activity that day than she had all week, so the muscles in her stomach were sensitive. “John?” Marlena asked in a small voice. “We’ll be alright, right? We’ll get through this?”
 
“Of course,” John answered without missing a beat. He rolled onto his side and put his arm carefully around her waist.
 
Exhaustion soon took over and they slept, John holding on to her all night, never letting go.

​Marlena’s eyes fluttered open and she reached out for John, but he was not there. Rolling onto her back, she sighed. She did not want today to happen. She couldn’t even imagine what it would be like being surrounded by everyone as she tried to hold it together.
 
Rubbing her face, Marlena sat up. She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror, looking like shit, with the worst case of bedhead she had ever had. She mentally chastised herself for caring about herself today. Jumping out from under the covers, she walked out of John’s bedroom and straight to her bedroom. She took a long shower, letting the warm water wash over her, soothing her tense muscles. 
 
Putting on underwear and a bra, Marlena took the time to carefully blow dry her hair before she went to her closet. Her black dress was hanging, waiting. She slipped the dress on and walked back to the bathroom.  She pulled her hair up in a twist, keeping it out of her eyes. She stood and looked in the full-length mirror. 
 
She looked plain, her face pale with her eyes already puffy. She didn’t even notice the tears before. Grabbing a tissue, she dabbed the tears away quickly. Next was makeup. She knew was going to cry some more, so she didn’t put much. Just a bit of waterproof mascara to bring out her eyes and a bit of blush to add some colour to her face. She gave herself a quick look over before going downstairs.
 
She was on her way to the kitchen where she could hear John and her mom’s voices speaking in hushed tones. They looked up as she approached. Her dad was also there, greeting her with a hug when she arrived.  
 
“Morning Doc, you look…” John paused as he looked her up. “Beautiful,” he finished.
 
“Thanks, but I just want today to be over,” she snapped. 
 
“May I get you anything to eat, honey?” Martha asked coolly.
 
“No thank you. I’m not hungry.” She burst into tears again without warning. Frank wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close as she rested her on his chest. 
 
“You should probably eat, baby. You’ll need the strength today,” Frank reminded as he rest his head on top on hers.
 
“Okay,” she sniffed. She pulled out of her father’s arms and looked to John. “You should get changed, it must be nearly time to go,” she spoke.
 
“Yeah, it is.” John gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Please try to eat something.” She nodded. “I told my grand-parents I’d be driving them to the church this morning so your parents will drive you and I’ll meet you there. Okay?”
 
Marlena just nodded, not saying a word as she walked out of the room. She needed some alone time before the day’s events started. 
 
***
 
Marlena sat on the edge of her bed playing with the ring on her middle finger, moving it up and then back down. Up and then back, up and then back. 
 
She needed something to get her mind off what was about to happen in the next 2 hours. She looked at herself in the mirror. She wore a black, three-quarter sleeve dress, with black heels, her hair twisted and held up by a clip at the back of her head, the bare minimum makeup. Glass of brandy within reach on the bedside table.
 
Spencer’s funeral was in an hour, her eyes hurt from all the crying. 
 
Someone knocked on her bedroom door. “Come in,” she said softly, looking at the door. Her mother stood there; she was dressed in a fancy black pantsuit. Martha gave a sad smile before stepping in.
 
“Are you ready to go? We need to get there early,” Martha said. Marlena nodded in response. Martha shut the door and leaned against it. “I know this is going to be hard. Probably one of the hardest things you will do in your life. Are you okay?”
 
Marlena nodded as she looked down at the brown liquid in her glass. She took a big gulp before speaking. She needed it for what was about to happen. “I don’t think anyone is ever really okay with this.”
 
Martha smiled a pity smile, knowing full well that there was nothing she could do to help her daughter. “Just remember that I’ll be right there by your side, and you’ll have John and your father, your sister and everyone else.”
 
Marlena’s answer was to finish the last of her alcohol, grabbing her purse and phone and walking out the door. Ready or not, it was time. 
 
***
 
The ride to the service passed too quickly and before she was prepared, it was time to leave the safe silence of the car and publicly say goodbye to the baby she barely got to know. Marlena gripped her mother’s hand and pulled her closer to her side as she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other, to keep walking towards the last place in the world she wanted to be. 
 
She felt like she was wandering through a thick fog, confused and lost. Just a week ago, her baby had been alive in her stomach. She had been about to become a mom. She’d been happy. And today she was at St-Luke’s church with her baby boy’s ashes sitting at the front of the room surrounded by flowers and a few of his pictures. Displaying pictures from the photo shoot at the hospital was a hard decision to make, but ultimately John and Marlena wanted their family and friends to see their son. To see that he existed, if only for a short time.
 
With her sister and parents by her side, Marlena stood unresponsively at the back near the entrance, barely holding it together, there but not there. Her hands shook but she hadn’t cried yet. She had been keeping it together. The room was blurry and out of focus. Her body was present, surrounded by familiar and unfamiliar people dressed in black clothes, carrying white flowers and hugging her as they each told her how sorry they were for her loss.
 
Marlena’s breathing rate increased suddenly. Turning towards the doors, she noticed John entering wearing an all-black suit, looking hot as hell. His grandparents entered behind him in a conversation. Their eyes met, his eyes softening, and he sent her a small smile. Leaving Sam’s side, Marlena walked towards him and they embraced fiercely. Her face was in his chest and she could hear his heartbeat. It was beating fast, really fast. 
 
“Sorry I’m late,” he whispered. “Traffic was held back due to an accident close to their place.”
 
“You’re here now, that’s all that matters. I couldn’t do this without you,” she said, holding back tears. Never leaving John’s arms she said hi to his grandparents, comforted by their presence. 
 
John placed his arm around Marlena’s waist, and she dropped her head on his shoulder. The walk up the aisle was short and tense. John could feel Marlena’s body stiffen beside him as he led her to their seats. Looking around the room, many were discreetly wiping their eyes with tissues.
 
She sat stoically through the minister’s words, Katherine’s poem and Sam singing Visitor From Heaven by Twila Paris. When they had finished, and the minister asked if she or John would like to say anything, she shook her head. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stand in front of all these people and hold it together as she said goodbye to her baby boy. Besides, she still told him every night how much she loved him. Marlena wasn’t sure she believed in heaven, but it comforted her a tiny bit to think that maybe he could hear her.
 
Too soon it was time to move on to the cemetery. The black box was lowered slowly into the ground, and everyone looked to Marlena, waiting. When she didn’t move, John placed a gentle hand on the small of her back and walked with her to the mound of soft dirt. The small handful she grabbed felt heavy in her hand. 
 
“I can’t say goodbye,” she cried, “because you’ll forever be in my heart. I love you baby,” she spoke to his grave. “I’ve loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, and I’ll love you until I take my last breath.” Marlena kissed her closed fist before slowly stretching out her arm and letting the soil filter through her fingers and onto the small box below. 
 
She stepped back and watched as John and each of their parents and family members dropped their own handfuls of dirt onto the black box and whispered private goodbyes to their son, their grandson, and nephew. 

As the weeks wore on, Marlena was beginning to reclaim some sort of routine. Her parents had left Salem to go back home to Colorado after three weeks. They would have stayed longer but Marlena insisted that they couldn’t put their life on hold for her any longer. Now it was only she and John at home. Philip and Katherine still made daily visits, as did their friends, but slowly the visits were easing away, allowing more time alone for John and Marlena.
 
Not that that meant anything. Neither wanting to talk about their loss resulted in she and John existing in silence lately. They still held each other at night, the occasional hugs or cuddling during the day and goodnight kisses on the forehead, but after the good mornings, how are you feeling?, are you hungry?, what was there left to say? There was nothing to talk about. John started to work from home a few days ago, so that gave him something to do, something else to focus on. 
 
To John’s credit, he did try. They were slowly finding their way back. John would take her on long walks where she would allow him to hold her hand. They walked in a sort of comfortable silence, each grateful to the other for not speaking of that which held them silent.
 
One day, on one of their many walks, John broke their comfortable silence. “I’d like to take you somewhere, if you’d allow me?” 
 
Marlena nodded and allowed him to take her to the pier. John escorted Marlena to the pier’s edge where they stood in peace, the wind brushing against their skin and through their hair. Finally, Marlena felt relieved; free. She felt more alive than she had in almost a month.
 
It was like the burden was less heavy, like a small weight had been lifted off her shoulders. The pier truly did manage to comfort her whenever she needed it. She looked to her side and smiled at John who had his hands in his pockets and eyes closed, enjoying the tranquility of the wind and the noise made by small waves splashing against the pier’s foundation.
 
Marlena inhaled deeply before saying, “Thank you.”
 
Without opening his eyes John replied, “for what?”
 
Turning to look at him, Marlena linked her arm around his and John opened his eyes to her. “For bringing me here. It was just what I needed.”
 
John nodded. “This has always been a special place.” He thought back to one of their happier memories on the pier, one crisp December night when they still were technically only friends… 
 
Descending the stairs, John noticed how very little salt there was on the steps, so he held on carefully to Marlena’s hand to prevent her from falling. Taking the last step, once his second foot hit the ground, John’s boot decided to slide, and he almost lost his footing. 
 
Acting quickly, Marlena grabbed onto his arms and helped to steady him, his face falling against her shoulder. She held him close until John regained his balance. “Are you alright?” she asked, trying to hold in her laughter.
 
John too let out a soft laugh. “I was the one trying to save you from falling.”
 
“You’re welcome,” she said sarcastically. Laughing hysterically once more, Marlena pushed John away, and promptly bombarded him with a fistful of snow, except her snowball landed on the side of his neck.
 
“You hit bare skin, Evans,” he pointed out menacingly. “You are so going to pay for that.”
 
After a short chase and a quick snowball fight, both trying to throw hastily packed snowballs at the other, John finally caught up to her and he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and picked her up, spinning her a little. 
 
“John,” she laughed. “Put me down!”
 
“No, no, no,” he laughed in return, giving her another little spin. “You’re not getting off that easy.” Suddenly, John realized how heavenly she smelled in his arms. Closing his eyes, he inhaled her scent.
 
“Please,” her voice pulled him from his trance. “I promise to be good.”
 
“Fine.” He released her and took a step back, trying to shake off the spell her nearness had caused. 
 
Turning to face him, Marlena frowned at the strange expression on his face. “What’s wrong?”
 
“Nothing.” Against his will, John’s eyes went to her lips before he snapped his gaze up again and tried to maintain his sanity in the face of her smiling lips and cold-flushed cheeks. By this time, soft snowflakes were falling down and John was mesmerized as Marlena threw her head back and laughed as the snowflakes caught in her eyelashes, hair and clothes. 
 
“I love watching the snow fall at night,” she said. “It’s so beautiful.”
 
“Really beautiful,” he echoed, unable to take his eyes away from her.
 
She shivered involuntarily and rubbed her arms as the cold hit her. 
 
Without thinking he stepped closer, arms wrapping securely around her. “You’re freezing,” John noted, trying once more to keep his eyes away from her lips. 
 
“How about you stop thinking about it and just do it?”
 
“What?” he choked out, arms tightening automatically around her.
 
“Just kiss me, John,” she clarified, gloved hands gripping his jacket.
 
His brow raised and he smirked. “How do you know I’ve been thinking about it?” 
 
“Because I’ve actually lost count of how many times your eyes went to my lips.”
 
“Is that so?” he flirted.
 
Tearing her eyes away from his, she looked down at his lips. “Kiss me,” she whispered, butterflies in her stomach.
 
“Oh, I am going to kiss you.” Bringing one hand to her face, John brushed away a snowflake that was resting on her cheek before cupping that hand around her neck. Slowly, John moved his head down until his lips pressed down on hers. In that moment, cool lips pressed together, the heat they generated dissipating the cold as their lips opened with a moan as they consumed each other hungrily in a frenzy of teeth and dueling tongues.
 
Marlena wrenched her lips away to breathe some air and John rested his forehead against hers. Neither of them would have thought that as soon as their lips locked, there would be no going back, ever. 
 
“Oh Doc,” he groaned.
 
“More,” she demanded, attacking his lips again.
 
Tugging her even closer, his mouth opened voraciously on hers in kiss after ravenous kiss. Over and over again, he slanted his mouth over hers in one kiss after another, snowflakes falling over them as their lives changed forever. 
 
“Yeah, I really like it here,” Marlena said after a long pause, momentarily pulling John out of his thoughts.  “If memory serves, this is where we first met?”
 
He nodded. “There’s been quite a few firsts here, actually. First time I ever saw you was right here, first time I realized I was in love with you, our first kiss, which lead to our first time…” John remembered how after their first kiss, John brought her back to his apartment and they had sex.
 
John remembered how, as soon as they were in his apartment, Marlena pulled him toward her. Within seconds they were kissing so deeply, and with such vehemence, it was as if they were two lovers who had been separated for years – and had been so yearning for each other during this long absence that when the moment of reunion happened, they were insatiable. 
 
Then they were pulling of each other’s clothes and tumbling back into the bedroom. As soon as they landed on the mattress, Marlena pulled him atop, letting out a sharp cry as John entered her, then throwing her legs around him to take him as deep as possible. Holding John’s face in her hands she looked up at him with an expression of such desire, such need, such hope, such adore, that John immediately blurted what he had known, felt, for weeks.
 
“I love you.”
 
“And I love you.”
 
Those words were whispered, as if they were exchanging a vow. Then, slowly, with a passion that was as outright as it was absolute, they began to make love.
 
***
 
Now Marlena was home alone, the quiet stillness of the big house resonating in her ears. It was too much. She had gotten used to the house full of family, to the noise everyone made. If she were being honest, the noise was comforting but now the silence was beginning to speak volumes.
 
Whenever there was quiet, her mind would conjure up the noises that she had been robbed of. The crying and wailing, the little burps during feeds, the hiccups. All the little noises she didn’t realize she needed to hear. It was like the stillness of the house was haunting her. 
 
Today was the second day of John going back to work at the office. The first day was two weeks after Spencer’s death, after Kristen called about an emergency and John begrudgingly left Marlena alone for the first time, even if just for a little over an hour. 
 
Now almost two weeks since then, John once again agreed to go into the office for a few hours. There were things to be done, especially things relating to Basic Black’s involvement with University Hospital. Things that John couldn’t do from home. 
 
She was standing in the mirror, the hem of her shirt tucked inside the underneath of her bra. With her head crooked to the side, Marlena took in her appearance. If it weren’t for the little swell or the incision at the bottom of her abdomen, one would never be able to tell she had been pregnant. No stretch marks were noticeable, and she had lost a lot of weight since being released from the hospital.
 
Again, she heard the sound of a baby crying. How she wished it were as simple as picking up a baby and comforting him, feeding him, or changing him. She would do anything to have those cries be real and not just a figment of her imagination.
 
Marlena ran an index finger over the slightly raised pink incision mark. Evidence that she had had a baby…When the doorbell rang, Marlena furrowed her brows slightly. It was with a sigh that she let the hem of her t-shirt fall back into place, smoothing the material over her stomach as she left her bedroom and made her way downstairs. 
 
When Marlena opened the door, she saw the last person she’d ever expect to see standing there. Both women stood on either side of the threshold, slightly taken aback by the other woman’s presence. 
 
“Marlena, I –” Rebecca stuttered. “I didn’t know you would be here.”
 
“I’m surprised to see you as well.”
 
Recovering from the shock, Rebecca said, “I actually came by to see John.” She took a step sideways and looked over Marlena’s shoulder to see if John was in the living room. “He told me he hasn’t been going to the office since…and how rough it’s been for him…Can I see him?”
 
Marlena raised a brow, a spark of jealousy peeking through. “May you see him,” Marlena corrected her grammar. “And no, you may not. John isn’t here.”
 
Rebecca gave a little scoff under her breath. “Well his car is parked right out there in the driveway,” she pointed over her shoulder, “so…”
 
Marlena blinked. “He took my car,” she said plainly. Not that she owed her an explanation, but her car hadn’t been driven in weeks, save for when they picked it up yesterday, and they didn’t want the engine to seize. “Would you perhaps want to leave a message that I can pass along?”
 
“From mistress to secretary, that’s quite the demotion.” Rebecca shifted her weight onto the other foot, eyeing Marlena. “What – are you his live-in assistant now?”
 
Marlena sighed, not in the right state of mind for this. “Look, I don’t have time for this. I’ll tell him you stopped by.” Just as Marlena was getting ready to shut the door, Rebecca put her hand out, stopping her.
 
“Wait a second.” Her tone changed from accusatory to genuine. “I want to say that I’m sorry for your loss,” she said.
 
“Thank you.” Marlena un-tensed a little. 
 
“How are you doing?”
 
Marlena bit the inside of her cheek before speaking. “It’s been hard,” she replied plainly. Marlena had no desire to have this conversation with this woman. 
 
“Yeah, of course.” Rebecca nodded. “I guess you and John, and your little family just wasn’t meant to be.” She still sounded genuine and innocent as she said it, but Marlena didn’t miss the intended jab.
 
Marlena’s jaw nearly dropped, as she stared at the other woman in shock. She had to control the urge within her to reach across and strangle Rebecca. You can hate me all you want, but don’t you dare gloat about my son’s death.
 
“Okay, I think we’re done here,” Marlena spit out, closing the door just as quickly and turning to lean against it. She took some deep breaths, clutching her chest, trying to remain calm and not break down. She knew she couldn’t go on crying every day of her life, and she also promised John she would be alright on her own for a couple of hours. 
 
Finding a solution to calm her nerves and emotions, Marlena headed for the kitchen. She knew John had some alcohol in different places of the house, but the kitchen was the closest. Marlena quickly found what she was looking for and took two shots, back to back, wincing at the burning sensation in her throat. She poured herself another shot and was about to drink it when a voice interrupted her.
 
“Honey, you really shouldn’t be drinking right now.” Laura warned, walking into the kitchen, spying the bottle next to her hand. “Especially vodka at one in the afternoon.”
 
Laura’s presence was unexpected. Marlena didn’t remember Laura – or anyone – saying they would be dropping by. She hadn’t heard a knock or the door open either.
 
Marlena rolled her eyes, “Why not? It’s not like I’m pregnant, or I have a month-old baby to care for.” She raised her shot glass to her lips and knocked the drink back. “I mean, I’m supposed to, but I don’t, so…”
 
“You’ve had enough.” Laura took the bottle of vodka away from Marlena’s reach and walked over to the kitchen sink and poured the alcohol down the drain.
 
“Laura! What the hell are you doing?” She was shocked at what she actually did.
 
“I’m not going to watch you drink yourself into oblivion.”
 
“Yeah, and I’m not going to let you control me.” Marlena got up from the chair she was sitting in and started heading towards the cupboard, but Laura grabbed her arm.
 
“If I have to get rid of every alcoholic beverage in this house, I will. And you know I’ll do it,” Laura said sternly. 
 
Marlena struggled against Laura’s grip on her, but she didn’t ease up. “Let me go.”
 
“No.” The women locked eyes; Laura unwavering. 
 
Marlena tugged some more but to no avail. “I’m serious.”
 
“And so am I. Marlena, I know what you’re going through, but —”
 
Marlena looked up quickly. Her entire demeanor went from irritated to infuriated within seconds. “Laura, did you carry a baby in your stomach for 8 months?”
 
Laura sighed, “No.” She begun to loosen her grip on Marlena, but not letting go.
 
“Did you go to the hospital, expecting to give birth to a healthy, happy baby boy only to have this baby die the very same night?”
 
Again, Laura replied sadly, “No.” 
 
Marlena could hear soft cries again as the painful thoughts invaded her senses. Her voice cracked as she said, “Did you bury your child?”
 
“No.”
 
“Then don’t you dare pretend to know how I feel or what I am going through!” She snatched her arm out of Laura’s grasp and pushed her away from her. She took a few steps back. “You don’t know! Every day for the past month, I have had a hole the size of Texas in my gut that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I’m in my own personal hell, Laura.” Her throat was constricting, and her vision was getting blurry due to the tears forming in her eyes.  “John and I barely speak anymore because there’s nothing either of us can say and when he does speak, he’ll talk to his ex over me, so please spare me. And don’t judge me for drinking.”
 
Laura took a step closer, wanting to reach out and hold her but she refrained. “I’ve never judged you and I never will, but I’m your friend.”
 
“Can you be a silent friend then?” 
 
Laura shook her head softly. “No, I can’t. I care about you way too much to be a silent friend.”
 
“Can you just leave? I want to be alone,” said Marlena, sounding defeated.
 
Laura took the last steps toward Marlena, who took a step back. Laura then took one more step. “Come here,” she said, voice heavy with emotions.
 
“No.”
 
“Marlena…”
 
“I just want to be left alone. Please.”
 
Laura took long strides to Marlena and quickly wrapped her arms around her before she had the chance to fight her off. It didn’t stop Marlena from trying though. She flailed her arms wildly but eventually, she gave up.
 
“If you think I’m going to back down, you need to think again. I’m not going to leave you alone.”
 
“I think I’m losing my mind,” Marlena cried, giving up. “I keep hearing a baby crying.”
 
“You’re grieving, Marlena, and that weighs the heart down.” Laura held her tighter, knowing words wouldn’t make things better. “It makes your mind see things and hear things that you wish were there, that should be there by all rights. There’s nothing wrong with your mind. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just have a broken heart.”
 
Together, they walked, arms linked together, to the living room where they sat on one of the plush sofas. They settled in and Laura pulled Marlena into her arms once again, pulling her friend’s head onto her shoulder. She let Marlena grieve for a few minutes, gently patting her head and shoulder.
 
“You need to work towards living a new life, because that’s what this is. It’s a new life,” Laura emphasized. “It’s not the same as it was before. You’re not the same as you were before and you have to find a way to live with who you are now, which is somebody who lost her son.” Those words where hard to say, but they were a reality. “There are words in the English language for orphan, widow, widower,” Laura paused briefly, “but there’s no word for somebody who loses a child – because it’s that horrible, we never even invented a word for it.”

​Laura was sitting in the living room, eyes glued to her phone, when John walked in the house. He was talking on the phone when he noticed her, and he got distracted. Furrowing his brow in confusion, he looked around but didn’t see Marlena anywhere in sight.
 
“Kristen, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to let you go. Why don’t I call you after super and we can discuss this further? Great…yeah, you too. Bye.” With a warm smile he greeted Laura. “Smells great, what’s cooking?” 
 
John casually made his way down the hall, Laura following. “I made a quick stew. I thought I’d take dinner off of your hands.”
 
“Thank you. Where’s Marlena?” When they reached the kitchen, he paused in his steps, curious about the bottle of liquor on the counter. “Did she —?”
 
Laura shook her head. “If I’m being honest, she probably would have if I hadn’t poured the bottle down the drain.”
 
“What happened?” He loosened the tie around his neck. “She was good when I left her.”
 
“She a mother without a baby and she’s having a hard time adjusting to that, among other things…” 
 
John’s interest was piqued as he took the lid off the crockpot to inhale the food. “What other things?” 
 
Laura thought back to earlier that afternoon as Marlena tried to distract herself…
 
“Damnit!” The knife clattered onto the countertop as Marlena reached for the cloth dangling from the oven door. Droplets of bright red scattered across the cutting board and she hissed from the sting. 
 
“Are you okay?” Laura was quickly by her side. She took Marlena’s hand and the cloth in hers. Frowning, she applied pressure to the cut as she stared at her friend with worry.
 
Marlena surveyed the chaotic mess of chopped veggies and the knives that littered the counter and considered tossing it all in the trash. “I mustn’t have been paying attention,” she explained. “I just can’t come to terms with the fact that John is discussing our baby with Rebecca. Why would he do that?”
 
“You know, sometimes it is easier to open up to someone who’s removed from the situation.” Of course Laura knew that Marlena knew this, but grief had a way of changing the way one views things.
 
“But her of all people? Fuck, I’d be fine if he talked to a stranger – but her? She has no right to any information about my baby.”
 
Laura bit her tongue because she knew this was the grief talking, and being the supportive friend that she was, she wasn’t going to remind Marlena that Rebecca had actually done no wrong. Rebecca was in fact the woman who was wronged. After staying quiet for a few more minutes, she gingerly peeled back the towel to check on her thumb. Thankfully the bleeding had stopped, but she could already tell that it was going to leave a mark.
 
Shaking her head, Laura put her phone down on the counter. “I think that’s between you and Marlena. I really don’t want to get in the middle of this.”
 
John raised a confused eyebrow. “Okay?” He scoffed before saying, “so where is she anyways?”
 
“She’s asleep. She needed it. She’s exhausted.”
 
“I know,” he sighed. “She won’t admit it though.”
 
“Listen, now that you’re home, I think I’ll get going. I didn’t want to leave her alone.”
 
“Thanks, Laura. You’re a good friend.” John followed her out, opening the front door for her. 
 
Turning around to look up at him, Laura took a breath before saying, “talk to her. You both need to open up.”
 
He nodded, knowing she was right. It was just simpler to avoid the subject. “I will. Bye.”
 
While Marlena slept, John wandered around his office and the adjoining library. He took hold of the picture of Marlena by his computer and brushed his finger along her belly. It had been taken during her baby shower. She was glowing and happiness radiated from her. Spencer was a part of that happiness. He was part of their lives then. Now, everything was different.
 
He thought about where they would go from here, but he couldn’t even imagine anything. John loved her and he wanted to be with her, but he had no idea what would happen to them next, all he knew was that right now, Marlena needed him. And he needed her. 
 
***
 
Marlena was sitting on the chaise lounge in the corner of her bedroom, looking into the backyard. She had a soft gray blanket covering her legs. Her hair was in a side braid and it seemed as if she had a little more color on her face then the last couple of days.
 
“Hey beautiful,” John said as he entered the room and placed a glass of orange juice and a chocolate muffin on the little glass table next to the chaise. He crouched in front of her so that he was able to look in those amazing eyes. God, she looks so sad.
 
“Hi,” Marlena replied back softly, her eyes darting to him.
 
“How are you feeling?”
 
“Tired, sad,” she shrugged as if it was nothing. That’s because it was nothing new. That was her life now. 
 
Say something to her! Sooth her! “Feel like going for a walk?” John asked and he started to nervously fidget with the tip of her braid. Her hair was so soft and smelled of vanilla with a hint of citrus. A scent that gave him comfort and made him feel at home. 
 
She sighed deeply, “No,” and shifted away from his grasp.
 
The urge to take her in his arms, and tell her, promise her, that everything was going to be okay, was overwhelming. But he couldn’t…it wouldn’t be fair, because it wasn’t okay. He couldn’t fix this. John couldn’t take away the pain that they were enduring right now. He couldn’t bring back their baby. No matter what.
 
“Tell me, what can I do?”
 
“Nothing,” she muttered flatly, her feelings about him and Rebecca boiling inside of her. 
 
His face twisted in confusion, but when he narrowed his eyes, studying her rigid stance, he knew something was up.
 
It was crazy how eager Marlena suddenly was for him to speak up, to say something out of line and engage her so she could selfishly lay into him. Even crazier is how badly she hoped that he would fight back. Yell at her, scream at her, anything really…she’d welcome it. 
 
Instead of taking the bait, John shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the windowsill. Releasing a measured breath, he said, “Laura said dinner will be ready in an hour. She said goodbye, by the way.”
 
“Great,” she answered in a clipped voice, busying her hands by playing with a threat on the throw. 
 
An awkward pause filled the room as he continued to regard her quietly, but when she stole a quick glance to the side, she could make out the strained muscles of his jaw. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends before squeezing the back of his neck. He debated his options. 
 
With a breathy exhale, John turned to leave, calling over his shoulder, “I’m going to take a shower.” Marlena’s mouth opened to respond, a snarky comment poised on the tip of her tongue, but she thought better of it and shut her mouth as she scowled at his retreating form.
 
Soon enough it was time to eat as John and Marlena found themselves in a strained silence, the tension palpable. Covertly watching from the corner of the room, Marlena bit her lip as John went through the motions of setting the table, then retrieving a loaf of bread and a bowl of salad off the counter. Marlena cleared her throat as she scooped a heaping ladle of stew into their bowls, taking a moment to steel her nerves before joining him at the table. 
 
Placing a bowl down in front of him, she noticed the way he was fidgeting with the corner of his placemat. She wasn’t the only one on edge. John didn’t look up when she slid onto the chair across from him, although she wished he did. With a heavy sigh, Marlena picked up her spoon and dipped it into her stew, focusing too hard on capturing an acceptable ratio of meat and vegetable. 
 
Neither one of them spoke, both seemingly occupied with their food. The silence was anything but comfortable, and every scrape of his fork against his plate was getting on her nerves. It didn’t take long to realize that if she wanted an answer out of him, it was on her.
 
“How was your day?” she finally asked as he piled another scoop of salad onto his plate. 
 
“Okay. How was yours?” he asked, glancing up with a pointed look that took her off guard.
 
“Fine,” she said, hoping he would pick up on her clipped tone.
 
Narrowing his eyes, John waited for her to elaborate but she reached for the load of bread. She could feel his eyes on her as she tore off a piece and tossed it down onto her plate. She then reached for her spoon again, dragging it back and forth through the stew. After a moment, she heaved a sigh and set her spoon down on the table, her appetite suddenly gone.
 
John glanced between her and her barely touched food. “Everything alright?”
 
“Not hungry,” she snapped, rising to her feet and shuffling over to dump her bowl in the trash. From the corner of her eyes Marlena caught the sight of his jaw clenching, as though he was fighting the urge to snap back, but of course he didn’t. John remained tight-lipped, dropping his attention back to the table. “I’m going to take a shower,” she tossed over her shoulder without looking at him, just like he had done to her earlier.
 
His loud exhale was unmistakable as she slipped out of the kitchen, eager to escape the suffocating tension. She didn’t expect to hear his footsteps following behind her, nor for him to grab her by the arm and spin her around.
 
“Is something wrong? Are you okay?” 
 
“You’re kidding me, right?” Marlena’s eyes widened as she bit back the urge to physically push him away. With what they had been going through, she clearly was not okay. 
 
“Talk to me,” he pleaded, his voice soft. “Tell me what’s going on.”
 
“This is not what we do,” she answered, her voice rising. “You and I don’t talk about things. You have someone else for that.”
 
John was confused. “What is that supposed to mean?” he retorted flatly.
 
“Rebecca.” Her eyes were set.
 
John’s voice remained calm despite her implied accusation. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
 
“It means that while I’m over here drowning in grief with no one to talk to, you’ve found comfort in your ex.” Marlena’s chest was heaving as she stared up at him, just waiting for him to try and defend his behavior.
 
Shaking his head, John released an exasperated breath. “That’s what this is all about?”
 
“Excuse me? When the father of your child would rather discuss what he’s going through with another woman rather than you, don’t you think you deserve an explanation?”
 
“I’m not doing this,” he said calmly. 
 
“You’re opening up to Rebecca about your feelings while I, the mother of your child,” she stressed, “am here dying on the inside with no one to support me.”
 
“It was nothing deep or meaningful,” he explained, not understanding what the big deal was. “I just told her how I was doing.”
 
“You should be telling me that! I have no idea how you’re doing!” She yelled, a huge lump in her throat. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, I don’t know how you’re doing because you won’t talk to me. We don’t talk,” she reiterated. “We’re just co-existing, tiptoeing around, avoiding the elephant in the room.”
 
“Like I said, it meant nothing. I could have told anyone. Rebecca was sending her sympathies and she just so happens to be the person I ended up telling.”
 
“It’s my baby. You should be talking to me!” she yelled, her emotions getting the best of her. “We should be talking to each other! You shouldn’t be sharing your feelings about our dead son with someone who isn’t his mother. I share those feelings; I understand those feelings. It hurts that you shared that with her. That’s our son’s memory. Our son’s life. Why would you share him with her? He’s my son and I never wanted her to have anything to do with him.”
 
“You’re acting like you’re the victim here. She didn’t do anything to you. You’re the one who slept with her boyfriend knowingly for months,” John reminded, although he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.
 
Marlena’s mouth gaped open, her train of thought momentarily derailed. “I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face when you’re just as much to blame.”
 
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…But you know what, I’m not going to continue this because you clearly already have your mind made up and I have work to do.” John shook his head while pulling his phone out and walking away. 
 
“Yes, anything to avoid talking to me,” she retorted sarcastically, rolling her eyes. 
 
John was just as quick to respond. “It’s not like you talk to me either.”
 
She couldn’t argue about that one, but she was still angry. “So instead of even trying with me you just ran off to Rebecca and shared intimate details with her?” Her every word was laced with pain as she said them. “I don’t know how you feel, John, because you never talk about it!”
 
“Because I’m dealing with it,” John yelled back.
 
“Shouldn’t we be dealing with it – together?”
 
“You want to talk about it?”
 
“Yes,” Marlena yelled exasperatedly. 
 
John threw his hands up in defeat. “Fine! We lost a kid! We’ll never watch him grow up; we’ll spend the rest of our lives always wondering why he’s not here! How can saying this out loud be helpful?”
 
“Thank you!” she said, finally content. “You should have told me that before.”
 
“I didn’t want to burden you with me feelings because I know how much you have been hurting,” he admitted, grabbing onto her hand. 
 
“That’s not a fucking excuse,” she retorted, pulling her hand away sharply. 
 
“You haven’t exactly been very forthcoming yourself,” John shot back.
 
“You’re right,” she said calmly, eyes lowered to the ground, “but I never went and told anyone else. Maybe I should call up James and tell him how I’m dealing with it all.”
 
John’s eyebrow twitched and his lips formed a thin line, jealousy creeping in. 
 
Marlena scoffed. “Relax, I’m not a hypocrite. I wouldn’t do that.”
 
They screamed at each other some more and after everything was said they ignored each other for a few hours. Before they went to bed Marlena finally admitted that maybe she was too hard on him. She apologized for the things she had said and so did John.
 
​“I was so hurt, John,” she admitted with sad eyes. “That you went to her. It broke my heart…” She couldn’t get the rest of the words out before she began to sob.
 
“I can’t fault you for that. It won’t ever happen again,” he promised, holding onto her shoulders and making sure she saw that he meant every word. “I just want you to know that we’re in this together. We’re a team, you and me.”
 
Tears threatened to spill from the corner of her eyes, so she dropped her gaze to her feet, curling her toes.
 
John inched forward a bit more and placed a knuckle beneath her chin, gently tilting her head up to look at him. “I don’t want to fight with you, you know I’ve always hated that.” Marlena nodded, hiccupping. “Just tell me what to do to make things better, what I have to say to make you believe in me. Tell me what you need…what you want?”
 
With a small and shy smile, she whispered, “right now you can just hold me. I just need to be held.”
 
And that’s what John did. He kicked off his shoes and got into bed with her, wrapping his arms around her tiny frame. No matter what happened, he was going to fight for her and prove to her that it would only ever be her that he wanted.
 
Things got a little better after that. It was as if they needed to fight to let go of some of the tension.

John tossed in his sleep and reached out to pull Marlena closer to him. When all he discovered was a cold gray sheet, he opened his eyes. He turned to his clock and saw it was 4:17am and grimaced. Today was a new day; a day he was once excited for but now filled him with heartache.
 
He sat up in the bed when he heard a loud clanging from downstairs and decided to get out of bed and see what was going on. He shuffled through the house with bare feet in his blue pajama pants and gray t-shirt. He wasn’t surprised to be greeted by citrusy scent of household disinfectant coming from the kitchen. When he walked into the room, he could see Marlena still in her pajamas, on her hands and knees aggressively scrubbing a cabinet in his kitchen.
 
She looked up from her work guiltily and asked, “Did I wake you?” He shook his head no.
 
She returned to her cleaning as John helped himself to a glass of orange juice and noticed the calendar posted on the fridge was still on the page stating March even though it had been April for a couple of weeks now. The reason the page hadn’t been flipped was because today was the day their baby boy was due to arrive in the world. Baby Spencer who arrived and left the world far too soon.
 
John sat on the tile floor with his back against the fridge so he could be at eye level with Marlena who was avoiding his gaze and focusing on the imaginary dust at the back of the cabinet. He noted the dark circles under her eyes and knew she hadn’t gotten any sleep that night. He grasped her hand covered in yellow rubber gloves and gave it a gentle tug and without any words she took off her gloves and climbed into his arms.
 
Marlena sat in his arms without saying anything, just leaning her head against John’s chest, being comforted by the sound of his steady heartbeat and the feel of his hands rubbing her back. She found solace in these moments being wrapped in his warmth and breathing in his familiar scent.
 
The past week had been filled with little wordless moments like this. The grief still too intense to put words to it. Marlena’s emotions had been all over the place. She wasn’t ready to throw herself back into work just quite yet, but she would find any little job around the house. John’s house had never been so spotless. Sometimes she felt she was beginning to heal and out of nowhere she would crack and breakdown in tears or explode in anger. John remained a steady presence primarily concerned with her well-being rather than his own.
 
He kissed the top of her head and she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Marlena confessed, “I don’t know what to do today… I can’t stop thinking of how this day should have been. We should be either fussing over him or waiting for him to become part of our family. Instead, he is just gone.” It didn’t make sense. “We did everything right! We attended every appointment, I took every prenatal vitamin, and we have nothing to show for it. I was so sure that everything was going to be okay, and our baby would be fine, but I was so wrong.”
 
There was no logic to the hand they were dealt. They were two perfectly healthy adults with great family medical histories. Although Spencer wasn’t exactly planned, he was very much wanted. They were just victims of bad luck. John took a shaky breath and swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat as he leaned into Marlena and rested his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes, desperate to think of anything to make this terrible day a little bearable for her.
 
He opened his eyes when an idea came to him. He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear and whispered, “Pack a bag, let’s get out of here for a few days.”
 
Marlena looked at him confused as he stood up. John reached for her hand and helped her get up off the floor. “John, I really don’t feel up to going anywhere or being around people today,” she explained.
 
She hated the feeling of being so vulnerable. Her emotions were so raw. Her hazel eyes were bloodshot, and her face was so puffy from crying. She knew if she had to deal with a well-intentioned person asking if she was okay, she would fall apart, and they would look at her like she was insane.
 
“You know my parents will probably want to stop by today.” He tentatively reached out to touch her face, leaning in close to her, his lips almost brushing hers.  “As helpful as they’ve been,” he whispered, “you’re the only person I want to be with today,” John confessed, his breath hot on her skin. His fingertips lingered at the edges of her chin.
 
Marlena could feel the tingly sensation his touch induced in her. She could feel his warmth contacting with her frigid skin and she trembled. She leaned into him so that her lips touched his. It was shocking at first; to feel his lips against hers for the first time in over a month, but she liked the feeling. She stopped thinking and just felt, and it was a good feeling. No hurt. This was the first time she experienced something besides grief and hurt in weeks.
 
John’s lips moved against her and he murmured her name in her mouth, his warm breath sending chills up her spine. His tongue scraped across hers and she pressed her body against his own. It was warm, soft and gentle. Something neither of them had shared since before they lost their baby. Intimacy was lost that day and all physical contact was in the name of comfort and habit.
 
Marlena pulled away slowly, her breathing ragged and cheeks flushed with a genuine smile on her face. “I…”
 
“Marlena…” John whispered, his fingers tracing the contours of her face.
 
“John…” she looked down, breaking eye contact with him.
 
He kissed her softly again. “Come with me. We need this.”
 
“Okay.” She nodded. “Okay.” Marlena rested her head on his shoulder. “Alright, I’ll come,” she whispered, and John pulled her up the stairs and they went in the direction of their respective bedrooms, taking out bags and they began to pack.
 
They loaded into John’s black SUV and made it on the highway before the sun began to rise. John remembered another road trip of theirs about 3 years before.
 
They had been on the road for about two hours, and he looked over at his best friend and his new love; sleeping in the seat next to him. He couldn’t believe that she was really his.
 
John smiled to himself imagining what Bo Brady would be saying right now. John imagined Bo would be insanely proud although he would have been upset not to be “in the loop”; it had only been a couple of days and they were still in the “honeymoon phase”, this was the first time leaving John’s apartment since admitting their feelings. Nobody knew about the development in their relationship yet. John wanted it to be just the two of them for a little while longer, hence why he was taking her on a romantic getaway so they could enjoy and explore each other without any interruptions. 
 
Looking at her once more, John decided that she had slept enough, and he wanted to hear her voice. Extending his right arm over the center console, his hand gripped her thigh strongly as he yelled “Boo!” Marlena startled awake, jumping in her seat as John couldn’t contain his laughter. 
 
The entirety of their trip was spent in bed or in the bathtub, sometimes going out for fancy meals. What John remembered most about that trip – besides how amazing the sex was – was how Marlena flashed a million dollar smile the entire two days they were away. He remembered how at one point Marlena had to tell him to not look or speak to her for a little while, because he made her smile so much her cheeks hurt.
 
Marlena looked up away from the road, intrigued to see John smiling dreamily as he drove. She looked at that smile and wondered what was going through that brain of his. Was he picturing Spencer? Or perhaps his short encounter with Alice Horton when he stopped by to pick up the keys to the Horton cabin this morning; she was so sweet to offer it to them as a getaway. Or perhaps he was just thinking about his fantasy football team. 
 
Maybe he was thinking about that moment they shared at the house that morning; what it could have led to – or rather what it normally would have led to if they weren’t so overcome with grief. She got a warm and tingly feeling all over imagining making love to him. Coming together as one once again, communicating in the best way they knew how. To give him everything without regrets. Her daydreams combined with the memories of their previous sexual encounters made her heart race and she was certain if he glanced over, her skin would be flushed.
 
“What are you thinking about?” Marlena asked, biting her lip and looking at John through her lashes unable to resist not knowing what was going through his brain for a moment longer.
 
John glanced over at her and answered, “Bo.” He laughed when her face dropped, and she batted her eyes in confusion.  “Let me explain,” he continued. “Bo has always been like a brother to me. Hell, the entire Brady family has felt like a family to me since as long as I can remember. I was just thinking of how great and supportive Bo has always been,” he shared. “Especially recently. In fact, every single one of our friends have been beyond amazing to us. I was thinking there’s no way I’ll ever be able to repay them for everything they’ve done for us since Spencer passed.”
 
Although the statement was true, it wasn’t what he had been thinking about. But John wasn’t ready to let her know that he was remembering some of their good times, and he certainly didn’t think it was the time to tell her how he felt about her. 
 
Soon, John was pulling into the parking lot near the lake. The tourist season hadn’t started yet as it was still early spring and crisp out, and it was midweek so there weren’t very many other cars occupying the space. Looking out onto the lake, John was able to spot the ferry by the dock.
 
***
 
Quietness settled over the cabin save for the crackling fire. Marlena could almost fall asleep right there in the cushioned chair but knowing her luck John would come barging in the door. She blinked, thinking it odd that she actually hadn’t heard much from John since lunch. Although it was his idea to get away, they hadn’t spent much time together.
 
John was always gone doing god knows what. It’s not like there was much to do on this island. It almost seemed like he was avoiding her. They shared that kiss as he convinced her to come with him and now, he was keeping his distance. Even as they slept the night before, John stuck to his side of the bed, far from her, unlike their usual closeness. The thought made Marlena’s stomach plummet.
 
She tried to read her book for the next couple of hours, but she couldn’t concentrate so she pushed her book aside. Instead, she settled for watching the fire flicker brightly in the fireplace. A comforting sight that Marlena gladly welcomed though it did remind her of the man who constantly occupied her mind. Where was John?
 
She looked around the cabin searching for him, but he wasn’t in the kitchen or the bathroom. As she neared the backdoor, Marlena heard a cracking noise from the backyard. She peeked from a window curtain and the sight left her spellbound.
 
John had removed his jacket and was chopping wood in a grey fitted sweater. Even through the material Marlena could see his muscles flex with each swing of his axe as he split pieces of wood in two. Anytime he would bend down to toss a piece of wood into the growing pile Marlena would get the lovely sight of John’s ass in form-fitted jeans. 
 
She wasn’t sure how much time had passed as she watched him. It could have been minutes or hours for all she knew as she was in the depths of her wild fantasy. It wasn’t until John wiped sweat off his brow and turned around did Marlena finally shake from her trance. John blinked once in surprise and waved at her with a smile on his face.
 
She quickly dropped the curtain and touched her cheeks. They were warm. No doubt flushed in either desire or embarrassment. Probably both. She took one step away from the window to retreat, but the door beside her opened suddenly. Marlena jolted back just as John stepped in.
 
“I thought I saw you in the window.” John still had that smile on his face and his voice was a bit breathless. “Mind helping me bring in this wood?”
 
“Don’t we have enough beside the fireplace to last us for the night?”
 
John nodded. “We do, but I always like to be prepared. Besides I chopped too much so it won’t fit in the wood shed so some of it will have to be placed inside.” He didn’t admit the reasoning aloud, but John cut so much wood due to his distracted thoughts of Marlena. 
 
This getaway was meant as a change of pace, something to help them put their grief aside and start living again. But things changed after their kiss. For one thing, John’s grief was not as present anymore. Instead, his thoughts were constantly on Marlena, struggling to control his emotions and his hormones. 
 
Each time he saw her, every second he spent near her, John felt his blood rush, his heartbeat quicken, his body burn and it was a real struggle for him not to admit – even harder for him not to show Marlena that his feelings for her were something he could never extinguish. So, he remained silent. Venting his frustration on a pile of wood that quickly grew out of control until he was sweating with an even larger pile of firewood than he expected.
 
But Marlena was there now. Standing right in front of him with reddened cheeks and eyes so wide they would put a doe to shame. John could only assume his eyes mirrored hers in shock when he saw her in the window watching him. Speaking of which…
“Did you need anything by the way,” John asked. “You were in the window, so I assume you were looking for something?”
 
“I was – You weren’t inside, and I couldn’t find you.” Marlena stumbled over her words.
 
“Glad to see you were worried about me,” he said, smirking slightly at the thought of Marlena wondering about him.
 
“Worried might be stretching it. Usually, I can hear you or I see you popping your head in once in a while, but when I didn’t, I thought perhaps you had gotten lost or whatever it is that happens up here in the mountains.” Marlena shrugged her shoulders, but her eyes were restless.
 
“You know,” John began gently. “I missed you too. Your voice and seeing you that is.”
 
Marlena’s head snapped to him. “Yet you seem more distant than ever,” she said. “Ever since that – that morning,” Marlena struggled to say the words, not wanting him to see how much the kiss affected her. 
 
“Me?” he narrowed his eyes in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
 
“For months you’ve treated me as if I was made up of glass,” Marlena rushed out. “Like I am some helpless little girl that needs your help all the time and then we kissed and all I have wanted –” she halted herself before she revealed too much. Quickly Marlena turned around so her back was facing him. “Never mind. What would you like for dinner?”
 
“Wait a second,” John grabbed her arm before she fled to the kitchen. “Tell me what you wanted from me Marlena,” he said, his heart beating in his ears.
 
“It doesn’t matter,” Marlena resolved. “I just don’t understand why you treated me like I was fragile and were by my side every minute and then why you’d pull away all of a sudden,” she spat out as she tried to tug her hand away from John, but he wouldn’t let go. His grip was firm yet not painful.
 
“Doc,” John whispered and turned her around to face him. Still her head tilted away so she wouldn’t look at him. It wasn’t until his free hand tilted her chin toward him, did she finally look him in the eyes. “I don’t think of you as weak,” he continued softly. “If anything, you are strong for surviving what happened.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” she blurted out, confused. “You decide I’m strong for surviving our son’s death, so you just pull away from me? You avoid me because what – now that I’ve kissed you and let myself feel something besides grief for one moment – you think I don’t need you? What changed so much that you act this way towards me, John?” she demanded. 
 
His throat tightened at the pain displayed on her face and in her voice. “No,” he said sadly, struggling to maintain his calm composure. “That’s not it…I simply did not want you to think I was taking advantage of you in your darkest moment. You mean more to me than that. I would never take advantage of you like that.” His eyes were brewing with a storm of emotions he kept bottled inside all these weeks.
 
Marlena’s eyes widened. Did he…?
 
When she opened her mouth to dare ask, abruptly a phone started ringing, ruining the moment. John and Marlena flinched apart. Both not realizing that their heads had slowly closed the distance between each other.
 
John fumbled with his pockets until he pulled out his phone that was the cause of the interruption. “This better be important Kristen,” John grumbled as he answered the call.
 
***
 
After a quiet dinner, long after Kristen interrupted their heated discussion, John stood on the front porch and noted the weather seemed to fit both their moods. The sky was gray, and the waves were angrily crashing against the shore in the distance. The topic hadn’t been brought back up after he ended his call, but John knew they would have to talk about it some more eventually. But for now, he enjoyed the crisp breeze. 
 
Marlena came out beside him, quiet for a moment and wrapped her arms around herself, eventually asking, “Do you want to take a walk on the beach before it rains?”
 
He smiled because she took the thought out of his head, “That sounds like a great idea.” John looked to his side and admired how beautiful she was, wearing no makeup, hair up in a bun, wearing a pair of blue jeans, simple white long-sleeved shirt and one of John’s gray hoodies that she had claimed as her own.
 
After strolling on the beach for a while Marlena stopped and asked John to sit with her on the beach. “So, there is something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about,” Marlena nervously confessed as she wringed her hands together. She took a deep breath and filled her lungs in an attempt to collect her composure and continued, “I spoke with Dr. Winthrop the other day and I am thinking of going back to work soon.” 
 
John’s blue eyes widened in surprise. He shook his head, sure he heard incorrectly, “What?”
 
Marlena explained, “I wouldn’t be going back to treating patients right away. She told me about a series of conferences and workshops that are coming up soon in Florida that would be very useful to what I was working on before I went on maternity leave. It’s only for two weeks and once I come back, I’d start work slowly at first, mostly just catching up on files, paperwork and that sort of thing. Maybe do some shadowing on some of her patients before taking on a few of my own again.”
 
John didn’t really know how to react. He didn’t think she was ready to start working yet, especially going away where she had no support. Yes, she was strong, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still struggling herself. 
 
“Doc, where is this coming from?” he asked after a pause. 
 
Marlena motioned to the spot in the sand for him to sit down again and admitted, “Since losing Spencer I have felt like I have been in this fog and I think the only way I will get clarity is if I am working. When I was pregnant, I felt like God gave me a purpose and then Spencer was ripped away and now I just feel so empty. I need a purpose again. I need to help people.”
 
John took hold of her left hand and caressed it. “Marlena, I know. I feel the exact same way. I can’t even walk by the childcare center at work without thinking I could have been ducking in there between meetings to be with our son. I need you to get through this,” John confessed with tears forming in his eyes.
 
Upon hearing John’s declaration Marlena felt as though she was punched in the stomach. She thought he had been dealing with the loss in his own way, obviously talking to Rebecca being one way, but she didn’t want to hold that against him any longer. She thought going away would give him a well needed break from the emotional rollercoaster she was on. She never imagined that he would need her for strength as much as she needed him.
 
“I’m so sorry, I have been so wrapped up in myself. I assumed you were at peace with everything, and I have been dragging you down,” Marlena explained as she wiped his tear-stained cheeks with the sleeve of her hoodie.
 
“Don’t be, I should have been honest with you about what I needed. Just stay… We can work through this together…Me and you,” John promised.

It had been a little over four weeks since they returned from their time away at the Horton Cabin.  It was 6 am and John was sitting in the living room lacing up his running shoes.  There was a gym in the building of Basic Black, but he had always preferred running outside.  This early in the morning, the sun was just starting to rise, and the air was still damp and dewy with sleep.  He had on a pair of gym shorts with a basic tight t-shirt.  Stretching in the living room before heading out, John left his standard ‘Gone Running’ note on the kitchen counter before tucking his phone into its designated spot and heading out of the door.
 
John couldn’t lie and say that it hadn’t been nice having Marlena home with him for the last couple of months.  They fell into routines as if they had lived together for years. While John returned to work full time, Marlena stayed home – his home – and became quite the housewife. She made dinner every night, and if he was home in time, they would make it together.  With the leftovers Marlena packed him a lunch and had it sitting in the fridge ready before she went to bed each night.  
 
It was different now because they were no longer in that state of grief were everything was tense. They had begun to live life again and looking ahead to the future. They hadn’t been this comfortable and in sync since they first started dating, before life hit them in the face.  They were themselves again, and it felt great.  It felt right.  
 
John started his jog out slow, feeling the pavement vibrate through his legs and into his core.  He wasn’t in his twenties anymore, and his knees knew it, but he was still in great shape, and he picked it up a pace a block or two down from his house.  Music was blasting through his headphones, but it was more or less in the background of his mind, being used to keep him moving on pace.  Despite the daily, multiple times a day, reminders that he really shouldn’t be thinking about her as much as he had been, his mind always wandered back to Marlena when there was nothing else to actively stop him.
 
Before going to bed each night, they stayed up just talking. She loved to hear about his days at work and how business was going. One night Marlena had inquired about Baby Black and its profits and contributions to University Hospital. They stayed up late that night and together they came up with a great way to honour Spencer’s life. 
 
They remembered how they were able to keep Spencer with them longer thanks to those parents who donated the CuddleCot and they too wanted to give something that would help other parents and families going through similar situations. As hard as it was for John and Marlena, they knew that there were other people in that city who’d gone through the same loss in various ways. Other fathers who’d never had the chance to hold their living babies. Other mothers who had to watch their infant’s dying breaths. Parents without children. They were not alone. A strangely comforting thought. That’s how Baby Black’s contribution had grown from the pediatrics department only to now include maternity, labor and deliver, and the NICU as well.
 
Recently Marlena had brought up returning to work again. She really was a psychology junky and had been gone for way too long, he could admit that. It was apparent in the way she spoke, she yearned to go back.  So, John sat and listened as she marvelled about cases she’d worked on, getting into some of the juicy details.  
 
She wanted to start back at the office in a couple of weeks, and John really couldn’t think of any more excuses to keep her from it.  She was completely healed from the c-section.  Dr. Cramer had done a good job stitching her up, and within a year there would hardly be any scar at all.  John smothered it in scar reducing cream before bed every night, despite her laughing protestations that she’s more than capable of taking care of the wound herself.
 
It’s not that he didn’t want her back at work.  Just the opposite actually. He was excited for her to go back, because he knew she would thrive. The problem was that the bubble they had been in since their baby died was getting ready to pop, and he was not ready for it.
 
Marlena had gone back to her penthouse a few times recently; to clean out her refrigerator, pick up some new clothes, she’d gone for some psychology books, she and Laura had even spent the afternoon at the penthouse once. He wondered if the thought of moving out of his home and going back to “normal” ever crossed her mind. But this felt normal to John. 
 
John reached the coffee shop that was his normal turning around point and slowed with his hands on his knees, catching his breath.  It used to be that he’d go in and get a small coffee, take a few minutes to cool down before he started the several mile run home, but he knew that Marlena would have the coffee made and waiting for him before he got back and he didn’t try to stop the smile that spread across his face at the thought of it.  So, he went into the coffee house to get a bottle of water then head back home.  This time, he turned the volume up higher than was probably safe to do to block out his thoughts.
 
By the time he got to his door, his breathing had almost returned to normal, and the sweat was cooling against his skin. He wanted nothing more than to grab a cup of coffee and jump into the shower.  The sight and sounds when he walked into the house and down the hall though brought a whole slew of other ideas to his mind. 
 
John could hear the music as soon as he opened the door.  Marlena must have hooked her phone up to the smart system. Easing his way through the living room and pushing off his shoes so as to not be heard, he saw Marlena in the kitchen.  Her hair was piled on her head haphazardly, with the bun falling apart and tendrils of messy frizzy curls cascading down her neck.  
 
She was in a light blue cami and shorts so small they hardly warrant the word. They may even be boy shorts now that he stared at her.  Every time Marlena lifted her arms John could see a strip of skin between her low-cut bottoms and her top. The light blue color of the cami and the flush of the dancing made her pale skin almost glow, and he could see her scattering of freckles all the way from where he stood. 
 
She had the waffle iron out and was dancing and jumping around the kitchen like she didn’t have the smallest care in the world. It was refreshing to see her like that. The music switched over to Just Dance by Lady Gaga, and if possible, Marlena’s frenetic energy kicked up a notch. John leaned back against the wall and just watched her. Even when she had to still her movements to open the waffle iron, her head and knees were still bobbing in beat to the music.  She was so beautiful it hurt to watch her.  After all of this time, John wondered again how such a tiny blonde, someone so different from him in so many ways, could crawl into his soul and plant herself there so firmly?
 
Marlena startled when she saw that John was watching her, but she felt so good and so free in the moment, that instead of stopping in embarrassment, she poured him a cup of coffee before meeting him halfway in the kitchen and placing it into his free hand.  She didn’t say a word, just kept singing to the music and bouncing her body. While she went back to mixing the batter, John resumed his pose, only this time against the kitchen counter where the waffle iron was sitting.
 
She didn’t say it, but Marlena appreciated how hot he looked leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest, his muscles flexing, and his legs crossed at the ankles. She also loved the stubble on him – he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days. Looking at him, she wanted to run her fingers through it. 
 
She took him in. His shirt was drenched in sweat and clinging to his muscles in all the right ways.  She started to chew on her bottom lip in that way she did, and it took all of John’s will power not to grab her around the waist and plop her onto the kitchen counter.  The more she blushed, looking everywhere she could to not meet his eyes, the cockier his grin became as it took over his face. 
 
“Breakfast ready?” he asked as innocently as possible.  He had planned on taking a shower right when he got home, but plans could change. 
 
“Yours is cooking now.  Why don’t you get out of those sweaty clothes while it’s finishing up?” 
 
Without any conscious decision, he took a step away from the counter and reached up to pull his sweaty shirt off over his head. John dropped it to the floor, then put his hands on his waistband. He was about to push his shorts to the floor too, but he stopped and let her take him in.  Marlena took an audible intake of breath, and John could feel it deep in his gut, and other places.
 
Trying to gather herself, Marlena turned away towards the waffle iron and said, “Go put that in the dirty clothes, John.  That’s not very sanitary.”  
 
Her voice was wavering and high, and it turned him on so much to know that his mere presence was getting this kind of response from her. He didn’t know what had come over him – there hadn’t been any other close moment between them since that kiss the day that should have been Spencer’s due date – but John had no physical control over what was happening. 
 
“We’ve done less sanitary things in a kitchen than that before,” he said as he invaded her personal space.  His voice was deeper than normal, and he almost oozed sex.  Stepping behind her, way too close for anyone outside of a lover, Marlena’s whole body reacted as goosebumps broke out over her skin, and John wondered if her stomach was clenching in memory and anticipation as tightly as his was. It had been so long, he couldn’t remember the last time.  
 
John reached up and ran one finger gently down her arm and back up again, so lightly she could pretend she didn’t feel it.  Except for the fact that her chin dropped to her chest and he could actually see her self-control start to peel off of her in layers.  Marlena tipped her head back to the ceiling, and he looked down at her, expecting to meet her eyes, only to see them closed as if in prayer. 
 
Tightening his arm across her torso, right under her breasts, and moving his other hand to the front of her neck to both caress and pin her there, John pressed his front tightly to her back. He was hard as a rock and he knew she could feel it pressed up against her.  Angling his head to the side, he slowly leaned down to kiss her, his face was mere inches above hers when a phone started to ring and they both jerked.
 
Marlena’s immediate response was to try to pull away from him to reach for her phone, but John tightened his hold on her neck and torso for just a moment, leaning his head onto hers to try to calm himself. She could feel John’s heart pounding against her back just as she was certain he could feel hers under his palm at her throat.  Forcing herself to relax, Marlena took a second to enjoy the moment for what it was, leaning her head back against him, eyes closed again.  Her arms reached behind her and wrapped themselves around his back as well as she could. When the phone rang again, John leaned down and placed a light kiss behind her ear, then let her go. The moment was gone.
 
“I think I’m going to go take that shower after all, go ahead and eat without me. I won’t be but a few minutes.” He retreated out of the kitchen, picking his shirt up off of the floor as he went, and quickly escaped upstairs.  
 
He took a quick shower with the water bordering on icy to help clear his brain and system of Marlena. What the hell was that? And why did she allow it? He was still in love with Marlena, that he knew, but he didn’t know what went through her head. Shit. He didn’t want her to think all he was interested in was her body; he wanted much more than that. 
 
John groaned as he pulled at his wet hair. He needed his head on straight when he went back down there. It took him longer than he wanted it to, and was almost 15 minutes later by the time he left the bedroom again.  Meanwhile, Marlena put that time to good use, and by the time he reached the kitchen again, Marlena was gone.  He couldn’t help the disappointment he felt at seeing she’d left without saying goodbye. There was a new note on the counter though, so he picked it up to read it while heating his coffee.
 
Meeting with Laura. Your waffles are in the toaster oven turned on warm to keep them yummy.  Going to the store today.  Text me with any special requests and with what you want for dinner.  See you tonight.
 
M
 
It was so domestic it made his chest ache, and there was not a hint of a Marlena who was mad at him for stepping over the line. With a smile on his face, Joh pulled the ceramic plate out of the oven and started to eat his breakfast.
 
 ***
 
Psychology was her passion.  It had been since high school.  During medical school she found other aspects of the human body that appealed to her, she had rotations in other specialties, some that she even liked, and she could potentially see herself doing.  But nothing compared to the psyche. Something about the chaos offered her peace, if that even made sense.
 
She’d been off work for a little over two months now, and lately she’d had some conversations with Dr. Winthrop about returning to work. Nothing was set in stone as of yet, but Marlena went into the office that day anyways to start taking some of the paperwork off of her mentor’s hands, and because she needed a distraction.
 
Her life had finally gotten back to some semblance of normal. She and John had a great routine going at his place, but the more comfortable she felt at his house, the more she risked for things to regress to what they used to be. For that reason, that morning couldn’t happen again.
 
That morning was…that morning was intense. Hot. Toe curling sexy. Her sex life with James – or any other man for that matter —it was okay, but it never came close to comparing with what she had with John. Sex with James was what you’d expect it to be. It was like his personality, calm and gentle. Nothing unexpected. Flat. 
 
Sex with John, however, was intense and passionate. It didn’t matter if it was a quickie or an all-night sex marathon. He rocked her world each and every time. She and John seemed to have some of their best when their blood was already hot before they started to strip each other. He took pride in pushing her to her boundaries, and Marlena took pride in showing him how far she was willing to be pushed. Marlena never had any complaints about sex with John, except for when they weren’t having it. 
 
Like now. The last time they had sex was probably the week before Spencer’s birth and John’s very presence had been setting her on fire the past couple of weeks. She wanted him, plain and simple. She resigned herself to the fact that she probably always would. If Laura hadn’t called that morning Marlena probably would have had him right there on the kitchen floor and reveled in every second of it. 
 
She wasn’t exactly sure what had gotten into them that morning, but she’s sure her dancing around the kitchen in her underwear had something to do with it. But all she knew was that they couldn’t let it happen again. She didn’t want to ruin the place they found themselves in. 
 
It’d been so great being with John. That’s why they used to be best friends before everything went to shit. He just got her, like nobody had before and nobody had since, and it had been nice to be around that again.  Being able to be herself without worry of censure or needing to guard herself was so freeing.  
 
Marlena thought doing the paperwork and going over progress notes from her patients’ files since she’d been away would occupy her mind enough to take it off of John, but she found herself having to re-read the same sentences multiple times over, not registering what she was reading…her mind was wandering again. 
 
Checking the time, she saw that she had barely been there an hour, yet she was restless already. Needing to stretch her legs, Marlena decided to walk to the supply room, stock up her office with new pens, paperclips, fill her printer paper and whatnot. Not in her job description, but Cynthia had more than enough to do already. A little help would never go amiss.
 
On her way to the supplies room, she saw Dr. Winthrop entering the lunchroom, and made a detour in there instead. “Dr. Winthrop,” Marlena called out, smiling warmly when the woman turned to look her way. “We didn’t really get a chance to speak earlier, but I sincerely wanted to thank you for taking over the care of my patients.”
 
“How many times have I told you, you may call me Bridget.” Marlena let out a breathy chuckle and followed her into the room. “And it was no trouble at all, it’s what I’m here for. I need you healthy when you come back, that’s the most important thing. So, take all the time you need.”
 
“I really appreciate how generous you’ve been during this entire ordeal.”
 
“Of course.” Bridget invited her to have a seat across from her and offered coffee to which Marlena politely declined. She had already had enough coffee and frankly, her nerves were already on edge, she did not need to add to it. “You know, you remind me so much of myself when I was younger,” the middle-aged doctor said after placing the coffee pot back on the hot plate.
 
Marlena blushed and looked down into her lap momentarily. “It’s a great compliment coming from you.”
 
“You’re full of ambition, always ready to jump onto the next thing, trying to learn as much as possible and catch every opportunity as it arises. I admire that in a person. It shows dedication and how passionate you are about the field.” Looking up from her mug and raising a brow, Bridget said, “can I be honest about something?”
 
With her hands Marlena gestured for her to continue. “Please do,” she said, anxiety creeping in.
 
“Truth be told, I’m glad you didn’t attend those conferences last month.”
 
“Oh?”
 
“I didn’t think you were ready,” Bridget admitted, stirring her coffee after adding a spoon of sugar. “Granted, I haven’t gone through what you’ve just been through, I’ve never had children either…but from all my years working as a psychiatrist I’ve seen how detrimental it can be when someone rushes into something they’re not yet ready for.”
 
Marlena sat across from her and nodded, wringing her fingers together on her lap, trying not to get emotional and prove to her mentor exactly what she was saying right then. Yes, it was true she was using distraction as a way to cope with her grief, but she had gone through the hardest part and she accepted what had happened and was actively working on living life and planning ahead. 
 
“How are you doing, really?” asked Bridget, extending a hand across the table to squeeze Marlena’s forearm.
 
Marlena blinked away her welled up eyes and plastered on the best smile she could. “I’m doing okay, honestly. I’m a whole lot better than I was. I have a great family and some great friends who have all been instrumental in helping me get through this. I have all the support I could possibly need at home,” she said, referencing John. He really was her rock, her anchor, her life preserver. He could never know how much he actually meant to her. 
 
Pushing her hair behind her ears, Bridget sat up straighter. “You know that I’m always here if you need an extra set of ears?” 
 
Marlena nodded appreciatively. “I really am ready to dip my toe back into work,” she said, wanting to get back to her life as soon as possible. “As I mentioned this morning, I went over the progress notes and familiarized myself with where we are now.”
 
Bridget nodded. “That’s a good start. Listen, I know you couldn’t make the conferences last month, but they’ve added a few more that I think you’d be interested in. They start in two weeks, still in Florida. I know it’s last minute, but they could help ease you back in.”
 
“Absolutely! It’s not like I have anything else to do.” Instantly. Marlena felt a pang of grief hit her and she regretted the words. Breathing, she recovered. “I’m in,” she affirmed. “I’ll let you eat your lunch in peace while I go back to reading the files. Thanks for the talk.”
 
“I’ll stop by and see you after in case you had any questions,” said Dr. Winthrop as Marlena stood up and retreated to the door.
 
She was almost back in her office when Marlena’s text alert went off. Pulling the phone out of her back pocket, she was surprised when she saw she received a text from John.
 
John:  What are you doing at your office?
 
Marlena whipped her head up to look around the waiting area and adjoining hall, but she couldn’t see him anywhere. She hadn’t told anymore she was going into the office that day. Flustered, she hurried to get a text off before closing her door. 
 
Marlena:  Are you stalking me? Where are you? I don’t see you. I needed a distraction.
 
Damn.  She wasn’t thinking when she sent that, rushing to respond.  She shouldn’t have told him that she needed a distraction.  Now he was going to think that she was all hot and bothered from that morning. Well, she was all hot and bothered from that morning, but he didn’t need to know that. 
 
John:  Not stalking. I’m on my way to a meeting and I passed by your office and saw your car. 
 
Just as Marlena was about to start typing her reply, she received another message.
 
John: What are you even doing there? You’re not even back at work.
 
Although she knew he didn’t mean it in that way, Marlena was feeling as though he was telling her what she could and could not do. She didn’t like being controlled. A little frustrated, her reply back may have been somewhat sharper than she had intended.
 
Marlena: If you must know, I’m returning to work in two weeks…I came in to get reacquainted before I start. You know I like to hit the ground running.
 
Marlena saw the bubble with the dots appear as if John was typing and then it disappeared quickly. She knew he’d been caught off guard by her news, but he should have seen it coming. She’d been talking about returning to work a lot lately. There was a couple of minutes of silence before John replied to her.
 
John: If you’re sure you’re ready, then I am happy for you. 
 
Marlena: Thank you. 🙂  I’ll tell you more about it tonight.
 
John: It’s a deal. I’m arriving at my meeting shortly anyways, just wanted to see what was up. 
 
Marlena: Okay. Chicken Parm sound good for dinner? Or did you have something else in mind?
 
John: Sounds great. I’ll see you at home then.
 
John sent another text right after Marlena returned to his house saying that he was going to be late tonight. Marlena didn’t ask questions other than if he wanted his dinner put away in the fridge or keep it warmed in the toaster oven. John’s single ‘unknown’ meant that he had no idea when he’d get home, so fridge it was. 
 
Not feeling very hungry herself when she got home, Marlena pushed off dinner. Seeing as the chicken was store bought and ready, all she had to do was cook the pasta and heat up the chicken and that was a fairly quick task. After taking a long relaxing bath, doing a face mask and moisturizing, it was eight o’clock and Marlena was now starving. 
 
She hoped that she had delayed cooking long enough that John would arrive home before it was ready, or close enough after that he could eat while it was still fresh. As she turned on the stove and oven, Marlena thought it was ironic that John had a state-of-the-art kitchen and she – with the most basic cooking skills – was the one cooking in it.
When he still wasn’t home by the time the food was ready, she sat herself at the kitchen counter on one of the bar stools and poured a glass of wine. This was only the second time since John returned to work that Marlena had to eat alone and although ashamed to admit it, she was lonely without him there. It was strange to think that before she lived, slept, and ate alone nearly every day but now that they had settled into a comfortable arrangement, she was lonely for him. 
 
***
 
It was late by the time John got home. Marlena had sent him a text a few hours ago saying that she’d held off on dinner until her stomach was eating itself, then put a plate for him in the fridge. He felt bad for not being in contact that evening, but competition was high in the business world right now and there was lots to do.
 
When he entered the house, he kicked off his shoes and went straight upstairs, shutting the lights off as he went. Grabbing a bite on the way home, he skipped the dinner Marlena had made, making a mental note to take it for lunch the next day. He stopped in his office to drop his briefcase and his keys before continuing down the hall to his bedroom.
 
Being as quiet as possible and without turning the lights on, John stripped down to his boxers and walked into the bathroom. He took a steaming shower to wash the day’s stress off before brushing his teeth and heading for bed. It wasn’t until he lay in bed that he noticed the other side was empty. He sat up and looked around the dark room, humming. 
 
He left his room and checked the torn down nursery, but she wasn’t there. He was surprised to find Marlena in her bedroom, asleep on the couch near the ceiling to floor length windows. She was curled up on her side with her hair partially covering her face, a copy of what looked like one of John’s fiction novels in her arms pulled close to her chest. 
 
John swept the hair away from her face and pushed it behind her shoulder, then he tried to ease the book out of her hands without waking her. She stirred just a bit, but settled back down, and he pulled the blanket off of the back of the couch and placed it on top of her, putting the book on the glass coffee table next to an empty wine glass. 
 
As John retreated quietly from the room, one of the floorboards creaked and Marlena woke up. “What time is it?” she asked, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.
 
“It’s late, too late. I’m sorry to bother you.” He lift the blanket off of the couch and sat down next to her, pulling her to him. She stiffened at first, but then relaxed into him, body soft and pliable.
 
“I’m sorry about today,” she said, voice partially muffled where she had her head laying in the crook of his shoulder.
 
“Today, what about?”  He was running his fingers through her hair, tangled from not being brushed for hours and laying on the couch.
 
“This morning in the kitchen. Or yesterday morning is probably more like it. I shouldn’t have been dancing in my underwear.  I won’t let it happen again.”  
 
John let out a chuckle. “Please, don’t stop on my account.  You didn’t hear me complaining, did you? Feel free to dance around me in your underwear anytime.” 
 
She swatted him on the chest and he caught her hand, holding it to him. “John,” her voice was soft, sounding tired, yet small and sad. 
 
He shushed her, whispering, “it’s okay. Let’s go to bed.” 
 
He was exhausted, and to prove his point, he let out a massive yawn. Marlena went to stand up, but he grabbed her and pulled her back down. Stretching out on the couch, his feet hit the end where her head had been and he settled his head into the corner, burying himself deep into the cushions. It was a big couch. He gave her arm a little tug, making his intentions clear, and Marlena studied him for a minute before making up her mind. 
 
She lay down next to him, her head on his arm, and her ass pressed into his lower stomach. John pushed one of his legs in between hers and wrapped his free arm around her waist, pulling the blanket back over them and within minutes they were both asleep.

When an alarm went off, it was like an electric shock. They both were in a deep sleep and it was a jar to the system to hear not only the music playing but the sound of the phone vibrating against the glass table. Sometime throughout the night Marlena had turned in her sleep so she was now facing John, using his chest and shoulder as a sort of pillow. The arm underneath her was numb and tingling, the arm on top was flung across John’s neck, and her leg was up and around John’s hip.  

John was still wrapped tight around her, even more so than last night, with his top leg still wedged between hers and his hand on her ass, and she could feel him jerk awake as well. Waking up like this, it was almost as if they had never broken up. Like they were back where they belonged.

Marlena tried to pull away so that she could get to the phone on the tabletop, but John refused to loosen his grip on her. “John, let me loose. I can’t reach the phone. The noise is killing me.”  

“Why do you have an alarm set anyways?” he yawned. She wasn’t working so she had no real need to wake up early, him on the other hand, he had to get to the office fairly early.

“So that I don’t spend my entire day in bed, now please, let me go.” 

Instead of letting her go, he rolled them both over so that he was basically on top of her and grabbed the phone himself. Hitting the button, he dropped it on the couch next to them then settled back on top of her. He lowered himself from his hands and knees to rest his weight on his forearms, barely leaving any space between them.  

Marlena’s legs and hips automatically spread to accommodate him, and she could feel his morning arousal against her. It took all of her will power not to rub herself against him. He must have read her mind, or her body, because his face was overcome with that cocky little ‘you know you want me’ smile he had, and she just wanted to kiss it off of his face. But she didn’t. Because they couldn’t do this again. They couldn’t go down the rabbit hole that was she and John. 

John lowered his head against hers so that he was rubbing his face up against her cheek, then slowly and deliberately he thrust himself up against Marlena. Even through their clothes she could feel how hard he was, and the feel of that slow hard pressure rubbing up against her clit set Marlena’s whole body on fire. The yawn that she had felt creeping up became a desperate intake of breath as desire shot through her central nervous system, but she mustered what little will power she had left and raised her hands to his chest to give them some sort of separation.

“John.” Her voice was high and whiny with need instead of firm and resolute like she had intended it to be.  

“Marlena.” His voice was deep and firm and was dripping with emotion. Desire, promise, expectation and a request for her consent. The way he put so much into one little word weakened what little resistance she had.

“We can’t do this,” Marlena said, but she sounded weak, and she knew it. 

He used one of his big hands and wrapped it around both of her little wrists, then slowly, teasingly, moved her hands up over her head and onto the arm of the couch. He kept eye contact the entire time, giving Marlena plenty of opportunity to put a stop to this. But let’s be honest, she was never really going to put a stop to this. 

John nuzzled her neck with his nose and Marlena tilted her head back to give him better access as he latched his lips onto the part of her neck under her ear that always made her go from zero to fire in an instant.  “John.”  It came out barely as a whisper, and even to her own ears Marlena couldn’t tell if she was pleading for him to stop, or for him to go on forever. 

With a pull of his lips and a flick of his tongue, Marlena’s body reactively bucked up into his. When her core rubbed up his length with force, all thoughts of denying herself this went out the window, and she let her body take over instinctively. 

She managed to pull her hands out of his weak grip and push them up under his shirt to rake her nails up his back, turning her head to find his lips with her own. The kiss was soul shattering. They could feel the earth move underneath them.

John spread his legs and pulled his knees closer to her ass, using his thighs to angle her hips up and off of the couch some, and his slow and long lazy thrusts became faster and harder. The hand that had been holding her wrists was now supporting his weight on the arm of the couch while the other had come up to wrap into her hair and hold onto her face and neck.  

His hands were so big compared to her, and she always loved it when he held her neck. Not to choke, but to caress and hold. If they kept this up much longer, she was going to cum right there on the couch, and Marlena belatedly realized that that was probably his goal. It had been months since she’d had any kind of sexual intercourse and the pressure was building quickly. 

“John.” This time, it came out hard and tense and was swallowed immediately by his mouth. 

He moved the hand from her neck to her breast, pulling over the tightened nipple with his thumb and forefinger, and said harshly, “Do it.” And that’s all it took.

Marlena wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his back and up on his shoulder blades, pulling herself as tight against him as she could and moaned her orgasm into his mouth. Almost immediately after she started to cum, the stupid alarm went off again, and the shock of it sent additional waves through her body.  John let out a groan deep in his chest, and Marlena felt his body tense and felt him follow her over the edge. 

Gaining at least some of her brain and body function back, Marlena fumbled for the stupid phone next to them and turned the alarm off. Oh my God. We totally just dry humped on the couch. That wasn’t something people in their 30s did. Her alarm had a 12-minute separation from the first one, in case she fell asleep again. That was all the time it took for her to go from being determined to put her desire for John out of her mind, to becoming a puddle of goo on the couch. 

She could feel her wetness dripping down her ass, and she said the first thing that came to her mind. “This is going to be messy.”  That was true, in more ways than one, and despite them, it sent her over the edge with a fit of giggles. 

With a groan of her name, John collapsed his weight onto her. “What’s so funny?” 

Marlena couldn’t breathe between her giggles and his weight, so she gave him a hard shove. John ended up on the floor, laying on his side and joined in on the laughter. His laughter being contagious, Marlena was laughing so hard she had tears streaming down her face. Wiping the tears from her face, she sat up on the couch and stood over top of him.

“Well, as fun as that was, I have stuff to do today.” She didn’t really have anything specific planned, but she needed to get distance, time to process what had been happening between the two of them the last couple of days. The morning before she could have had him right there in the kitchen, and then there was what had just happened. She needed to figure out if her feelings for him were real, or if they could never happen again.

She made sure to lock the bathroom door, and her instincts were correct, because while shampooing her hair, she could hear the door handle rattle and John laughing on the other side. Surprisingly, John didn’t try to get her to let him in, so she took her time, longer than usual, hoping that he would be gone to the office by the time she was finished. 

When she walked out of her bathroom, one towel wrapped around her head and another around her body, Marlena nearly jumped at the site of John on her bed. He was dressed in his office attire, leaning his back against the headboard and his legs were crossed at the ankles.

“Thought you had escaped me, huh?” he smirked. 

“No.” Marlena took a breath, making sure the towel covering her body was well wrapped. 

He could tell she was nervous, her breathing was shallow, her chest was flushed, and she was looking anywhere but at him. Standing up and taking strides to her, John noticed her breathing hitch. 

“Relax,” he said once he was standing but a foot away. He extended an arm, running his fingertips along her collarbone. “I’m not going to rip that towel from your body. Even though I know you want me to,” he whispered that last part in her ear.

His breath was like fire on her skin, setting her insides on fire for the second time that morning. “I don’t,” she lied, trying to sound convincing but her voice and her body betrayed her. 

“Say what you will, but your body betrays you.” With that, John tapped a finger on her chin before turning around, shouting a little “goodbye” over his shoulder as he left her bedroom.

***

Marlena was enjoying a cup of coffee outside, sitting under the gazebo, when her text messages started up. 

John: Hello gorgeous 🙂

With a smile plastered on her face, Marlena dropped her phone onto her lap, willing herself to ignore the message. Engaging him would just suck her in some more, and she couldn’t allow that.

It was less than a minute later when she received a second text.

John: You’ve been on my mind a lot today, and it’s only 10am.

Great, now she was going to spend the rest of her day trying not to think about John and his text. And that couch.

Typing her reply, she tried not to take his bait. 

Marlena: I would think as a CEO you’d have more important things to think about.

John: Think again.

Marlena: Go to a meeting, sign some contracts or something.

John: Or something…There are definitely some things that I would love to be doing right now 😉 

Marlena: Yes, I’m sure…But those things are not going to happen. Just focus on your work and we’ll talk when you get home tonight.

***

It was mid-day when John arrived home, having been eager to leave work since before he even got to the office that morning. Like he had told her via text, Marlena had been on his mind most of, if not, all day. There was something about her that he had never found in anyone else, and he knew he would never find it either. 

Try as he might, there was no getting Marlena Evans out of his system. He tried to chalk it up to friendship, to rebound, to nostalgia, to grief. But it was none of those things. Marlena was the crowning event in John’s life.

They say the best things in life are worth waiting for, but for John, hiding his feelings from her was causing a constant state of frustration and after today, his mind was made up. He couldn’t hold back on his feelings any longer. He had hoped to pull her away from whatever it was that she was doing and tell her everything he’d been wanting to say for weeks. 

However, the site he walked in on when he stepped into his kitchen made him pause. In the adjoining dining room, where the three walls were made completely of windows, the table had been set for four people, fancy china and crystal out on display. In the kitchen, pots, casserole dishes, and pans were spread out on the counters, Marlena standing at the island using an electric mixer, the mix flying out of the bowl from time to time. 

John had a hard time keeping a straight face. Although clearly struggling, she looked cute. “You look stressed.”

“Well,” Marlena sighed with a loud inhale-exhale, “I am. That’s probably why I look it.” She stopped mixing the concoction in front of her and placed her palms flat on the countertop, glancing up at him with tired eyes. “Your parents are coming over for dinner tonight.”

“Did something happen that I should know about?” John slipped his suit jacket from his shoulders and neatly folded it over before placing it over the back of one of the bar stools at the island. “What’s wrong?”

She shrugged softly, flicked her wrist, stretched out a cramp, before getting back to work. “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just not that good of a cook, you know that,” Marlena mumbled quietly and his hands clasped in front of him, eyes widening as he leaned closer.

“Then why are we having them over?” John perked a brow, watched her with cautious eyes as she dotted around the kitchen, evenly pouring out what looked like cake batter into muffin trays. 

Marlena dabbed a finger into the mixture, bringing it up to her lips and licking it off as she turned to face him. She kept her finger pressed against her bottom lip, a small grin on her face as she shifted from one foot to the other, her gaze focused on his. “Your mother called and invited us for dinner and somehow I ended up offering to cook them a meal. I don’t even know how we got to that.”

John tried but failed to hold in his laughter. He had a hearty laugh as Marlena’s frustration was evident on her face. Rolling her eyes, she spun around to place the filled muffin tray in the heated oven when he rounded the island, coming over to her side of the kitchen.

“I’m sorry for laughing, but you have to admit, it is rather funny.” He cleared his throat when she side eyed him, watching as she bent and snapped back up, wiping her hands down her apron. “Where did you find that thing?” he pointed.

“I bought it.” She tilt her head to the side and rested her hands on her hips. Small smile on her lips, she frowned. “If I’m going to be cooking a big meal, I need an apron.”

“That’s very…suburban housewife of you?” John smirked, copying her move and dropping his hands to his hips, fingers digging into his belt.

Marlena smirked back. “Two words I’d never thought would be used to describe me.”

“In this moment, you fit the role perfectly.” He nodded as he spoke, walking closer and moving his hand past her waist to cage her in against the kitchen counter.

She leaned her head back slightly and chewed the inside of her cheek when he took her in, casting his eyes up and down her body. They were too at ease, and it made their situation even more confusing to her. 

“What is it?” John asked. 

She hesitated for a moment, but ultimately, she said, “Nothing.”

“Tell me a secret,” he said, taking in her beauty.

Marlena looked at him confused, thinking his statement came out of left field. “What? Why?”

“Tell me a secret,” he repeated, shifting closer, making her straighten her back and tilt her neck to drop under his gaze. “You tell me one, and I’ll share something with you,” he propositioned. 

Intrigued, Marlena looked him in the eyes. “Fair trade.” But before she told him a secret, she had a question. “But first, why do men have a thing for a woman in an apron?” she asked, the way he was eyeing her was killing her curiosity. 

“Submission. Sexism.” He swallowed and confirmed with a fast breath. “The great suburban housewife myth. We, the men, work. We make the money. We drink at noon. We come home late. You feed the kids and you clean the house and, by the time we get home, you’ve cooked us dinner. You smile, take our coats, look all nice and pretty in that apron. You drink wine while we eat because you’ve already had yours, you ate when the kids did, but we have dessert together.”

Marlena felt her throat becoming dry as he spoke, and she pulled a fistful of hair to one side of her neck to distract her flushing chest. It was rude and while she knew he didn’t mean it, he was only explaining what she asked, she found it hot. Maybe it was because how close they were, she could feel his breath on her skin as he spoke in a low voice. 

She watched through fluttering lashes as he towered above her, her back erupting in a flurry of shivers when he moved his right hand to her waist. Biting her lip, she asked, “What do we have for dessert?”

“Each other.” His eyes darkened to a dangerously dark blue and she held back a gasp. John licked his lips tightly, shifting his left hand to her hip. “You drink a little red wine and then clear the table while I have my scotch. And while you’re washing the dishes, I come up behind you.”

“You do?” She felt her lips still, tongue pressed between her teeth, and her nostrils flared as he nodded, and she stared up at him as though she was lost in a trance.

“And you pause what you’re doing and stand up straight. And when you go to turn around, I stop you, hold you in place. I run my hands down your waist.”

Marlena bent her elbows as she leaned back, lower body pressing up into him as he continued.

“Then I slide my arms around your waist and pull that apron from your body. You moan, unable to stop yourself, and you bite your lip to stop yourself from screaming when my hand slips below your panties.” John smirked, pressing his forehead to hers and burning her mouth with a trace of his breath.

“Then what?” She whispered her need to know more, feeling her knees begin to quiver when he slipped his hands from her waist to her backside, grasping the material of her dress in his palm.

John kept his eyes focused solely on hers, blinking only once or twice to drop his gaze onto her pink lips. “I carry you to bed. And we get undressed. And you lie naked on your back.”

“Sounds nice.” She forced the words, voice groggy at the thought and her face flushed, a dark shade of desire.

“You spread your legs when I tell you to, and you’re dripping wet.”

Marlena wasn’t sure what possessed her to want him to continue, to finish his very vivid description. It was naughty, and she liked it, and his voice was doing very bad things to her insides. “And then?” she urged him to go on, licking her lips and smoothing her hands up his shirt-clad chest to his neck. She felt her legs unconsciously part against her will, though she guessed her body was speaking for her at this point.

“I eat my dessert.”

Her hazel eyes drifted shut when he lowered his face to her neck, running his lips down to her collarbone, lightly peppering butterfly kisses against her flushed skin. John pushed the strap of her dress away and his hands gripped the edge of her apron, tugging on the ties loosely.

“Your pussy is soaked by the time I’m finished. And you moan, bite your tongue, scar the back of my head with your nails because you don’t want me to stop.”

“I do?” Marlena inhaled a sharp breath, brows knitting when he ran a hand up her arm and around her neck, pulling on the halter-neck ties over her floral apron. It dropped to the floor and her lips parted voluntarily, waiting for him to kiss her.

“And then I move back up your naked, panting, eager body and kiss you. You like it because you can taste yourself on my tongue and you sob because you want more. But I still need to fuck you.”

“Okay,” she said hotly, eyes transfixed on his lips.

“I think your muffins are done.”

“I-” She darted her tongue out to dampen her lips, completely lost in him until she snapped back to her senses. “What?”

“Your muffins.” John pointed a finger down at the oven, smug grin on his lips as he moved away from her, raising both brows suggestively. “Finished?”

“You can’t just stop!” She completely ignored his remark about her baking and instead just frowned at him.

John simply shrugged. “I’d continue but you’re more than busy in here. You seem a little…flushed?”

“I am not!”

“Flushed? Your face tells a different story.” He half smiled at her, but then he took a step closer and touched her shoulders, smoothing his hands up and down her bare arms slowly.

“It’s pretty hot in here,” she reasoned, but it wasn’t the temperature.

“Yeah… Now tell me a secret.”

Marlena thought…Something light? Easy? What didn’t he already know about her? 

“I don’t think I have any secrets that you don’t already know of,” she eventually said, leaning her weight on one leg.

John shook his head slyly. “Try me.”

“I was a virgin until second year of college,” she said, not ashamed.

“I already knew that.”

“Okay.” She thought for a moment. “I once slept with one of my professors. It happened before you.” Not her finest hour, but it happened, and she couldn’t undo it.

He eyed her, loving the naughty side of her. “You’ve told me that as well.”

“Did I ever tell you that I had a nose job?”

John raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Why?”

“It broke?” She responded sarcastically, the answer being an obvious one to her. “Why else would I get a nose job?”

“I don’t know.” He seemed to inspect her nose then, raising both hands to cup the sides of her face and turning her face from side to side. “It’s a fine job.” He smirked and she swatted his chest, annoyed by his joke.

“It’s not funny.”

He held in his grin then, clasping his hands together behind his back and taking in her reaction carefully. “Never would have guessed. Hell, I kind of thought if anything it was your breasts that were worked on.”

“Why? What’s wrong with my breasts?” She glanced down at her chest then, noticing him do the same.

“Nothing, sorry.” He held up both hands defensively. “They’re quite perfect actually. That’s why I thought –”

“You like my breasts?” It’s odd flattery, but she went looking for it and she liked the compliment.

“As if you didn’t know that already.” With all the hours he had spent staring at them, fondling them, kissing them, sucking and biting them, John always thought that they were too perfect to be real, although he never told her that. He was now even more impressed by them. 

“Hmm,” was all she said, looking at the floor. 

“Do you need me to prove it?” He smirked, backing away and slipping his hands into his front pockets. “Take your dress off.”

“What?” Her face went blank, and she stilled, knuckles turning white from gripping the counter edge.

“Take it off.”

“Here?”

“It’s our kitchen, nobody’s going to walk in.” He reasoned, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

Marlena stopped him by lifting her hands to the top of her black dress, unzipping the small zipper at her chest. She kept an even breathing pattern, feeling his hot eyes burning holes through her.

Zipper undone, the flaps of her dress were left to hang open over her chest, bra exposed. “All the way off?”

“On the floor.” Confirmed John, taking a hesitant step forward as she dropped it onto the kitchen tiles.

“There,” she gulped, shaking her head with a slight bashful grin. 

John leaned in, raising his left hand to the low of her back and tracing it up her bare skin slowly until his fingertips grazed the clasp of her bra. She shivered, jumping at the surprise, and he smirked in admiration.

Marlena remained still for a moment, swallowing a shaky breath, feeling her knees buckle when he found her bra again, flicking open the clasp before she could even blink twice. She felt a cold breeze run down her spine at the sensation, feeling his hand against her warm flesh. 

Marlena caved into him, aching, inching forward into him, and then he was pulling aside the straps of her black lace bra and dragging it down her shoulders, allowing it to drop all the way off, alongside her dress. Her head rolled back when John lowered his mouth to her collarbone, hands gripping her sides and pulling the swell of her body into his, fingertips pressing into the small of her back.

“That feels good,” she breathed out, running her hand over his short hair before gripping the base of his skull in her right hand when he kissed lower, tongue creeping between the valley of her breasts.

Her breathing stopped when he slid his lips over her left breast, teeth grazing her freckled flesh and tongue curling patterns around her nipple. She watched as John began to pull his tie loose from around his neck, mouth never leaving her desirable cleavage. 

Taking over, Marlena drew the tie from around his shirt and wrapped it up in her fist, hands going back to clawing at his shoulders when he sucked, nipped at, teased her breasts, breath heavy and toxic against her own oxygen.

“Tell me another secret,” John mumbled against her skin as he kissed all over her chest, shifting onto her right breast and showering it with the same attention as the other, immediately cupping her breasts in his palms and finding her nipple between his teeth. 

“I want to be made love to,” Marlena’s breath hitched as she said it.

John cocked an eyebrow, his member twitching at the prospect of his. “Is that so,” he asked before biting down on the hardened nipple.

Marlena gasped, “oh yes!”

In less than a second, he had torn his mouth away from his feast. Using her shoulders, John turned her around then, and leaned her forward.

Her arms pushed forward, elbows sliding along marble as he bent her over the edge of the counter, one hand wrapped tightly around her pulled hair and the other on the small of her back, tanned fingertips creeping lower.

Marlena didn’t question him at all, feeling at home in his arms. Her shoulders folded when his hand on her back lowered to her backside, gripping her cheek. 

“Tell me to stop,” he said hotly.

She frowned at his demand, turning her neck to face him indirectly, instead only noticing both of his hands move down her legs before tracing back up her thigh.

“Why should I?”

“Because you’re going to want me to,” he baited.

“No.” She shook her head momentarily before dropping it back down, tongue darting out to moisten her lips. 

“Tell me to stop.” Again, she ignored him, wiggling her ass for him. “Tell me to stop,” John repeated quietly through a whispered breath and closed eyes, right hand lingering above her backside as his left gripped her waist.

Marlena only shook her head, determined to get what she wanted. Her eyes clamped shut, her lips parted, and she let out a small whimper when his hand smacked down against her butt cheek, palm to skin and surely leaving a mark. God that felt good.

“Tell me to stop.” He was testing her. Did she really want this or was it a caught up in the moment kind of thing? 

“What if I don’t want you to?” She hitched a brow and twisted her neck around, catching his gaze. Breathing in, she licked her lower lip slowly, keeping her hazel focused on his blue ones. “Do it again.” She wanted it. When he didn’t move, Marlena grunted, shuffled and wiggled her ass slightly as her head dropped again. “Do it again.”

His hand slapped against her bottom again before she finished her request, but his fingers cupped her cheek this time, and she felt him push himself against her. “Like that?”

“Again.” She loved the pleasure the pain caused her.

“Ask me nicely,” John growled, eyes shut, cupping her backside in both hands, smoothly gripping her skin and running his thumbs between her cheeks, closer towards her now damp thong.

“Do it again, please?”

She let out a heavy gasp when he did it again, once, twice. Her back arched forward with each slap, and she could feel a slight burning sensation on her butt cheek.

“You like that?” One more. Gasp. One more. Moan.

“Uh huh.” She nodded, chewing at the inside of her cheek when he continued, leaving his handprint against her ass.

“Tell me you like it,” he demanded, grinding his erect penis into her. 

The fabric of his pants against her heated ass only added to her pleasure. Marlena moaned deep in her throat. “Don’t stop.” Slap. One more. Two more.

John let go of her body then, taking two steps back and watching her turn around quickly, breathless. 

“I didn’t say I wanted you to stop.” She gulped, rubbing her backside softly, eyes lowered in slight embarrassment.

His brows knitted together as he looked over at her, hands behind her, gripping at the edge of the counter.

One step closer, one hand in her hair and she was putty.

Marlena looked up with a sheepish smile, leaning up into his body when he cupped the side of her face, pressing her mouth against his passionately, tongue coaxing his lips apart after only a fraction of a second.

Running her hands slowly down his chest, Marlena cupped him within her hand, gently massaging him over his pants. “Tell me to stop,” she mumbled teasingly into the kiss, flipping the tables and feeling his lips form a smirk against her own wicked grin.

“No.”
​
The kiss was fast and desperate and they both grabbed at each other, lips eagerly responding to the others. Marlena murmured his name against his lips, her voice hitched with hunger and causing his body to throb in response. 

Pulling away from the kiss, John’s mouth trailed over her neck, his hands moving down over her thighs. “You’ve been killing me,” he told her, voice pained against the flushed skin of her neck. She groaned, her head tilting back, giving him better access to her throat. “I’ve been wanting to be inside of you for so long,” he mumbled against her heated skin.

Marlena gasped when he pressed the palm of his hand between her legs, her head falling back and her nails digging even deeper into his arms. His name fell from her lips as she rocked against him, silently begging for more. He felt how wet she was through the lace fabric of her panties, and it did nothing to ease his own hunger, his cock pressing painfully hard against the zipper of his pants.

“It smells like something burned in here – Oh, God!”

The shriek across the room pulled Marlena out of her daze, and her eyes flickered open then, instinctively pulling John up flush against her body to cover her naked chest.

“Mom!” John yelled, shocked. 

A half-naked Marlena could feel her eyes almost bulge out of her head at the sight of John’s mother by the kitchen entrance, shocked look on her face. “Oh my god.” She hid her face in the crook of John’s neck, trying to shield herself.

“I – I’m so sorry. I…I,” Katherine stuttered. “I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she said, still frozen in place, averting her eyes, avoiding the scene in front of her.

“No, I’m sorry!” Marlena screeched over John’s shoulder, still hiding her face. Tucking her head safely into position, she darted her gaze up at him, “Can I have your shirt please?”

“Yeah.” John didn’t take a second to think about it, just quickly unbuttoned his white shirt before handing it to her, watching as she maneuvered into the long sleeves and pulled it down her thighs.

“Thank you. I’ll just –” she waved a finger around, clearing her throat. Obviously, she was thrown off by it all just as much as both John and his mother were. “I’ll go get dressed.”

Marlena pushed her hair behind her ears as she completely avoided eye contact with Katherine, quickly walking out of the room and running upstairs.

“What are you doing here mom?!” John asked, embarrassed and slightly angry.

“I-I came –” Katherine was flustered, unable to form a sentence. She had never expected to walk in on what she did. She adored Marlena and she thought she and her son were good for each other and made a great couple, but she never wanted to witness the personal — private — side of their relationship. She was horrified, embarrassed.

“Marlena said you and dad were coming later tonight?” Remembering the muffins then, John used an oven mitt to pull the tray from the oven, smoke coming out and polluting the air.

“Well yes, but I…I thought I would stop by and help Marlena prepare the food. After all, it was my idea to have dinner together. I didn’t know you’d be here,” his mother added pointedly. “I thought you’d be at work. And I didn’t see your car in the driveway.”

“Obviously I’m not, and the car’s parked in the garage. Why didn’t you knock?”

“I did,” she assured, placing her purse on one of the barstools. “There was no answer. I never thought I’d walk in on…on – that! I’m so sorry.”

John sighed, scratching his bare chest. “It’s fine. Next time, maybe don’t just walk in.”

Katherine released a stressed out laugh. “Lesson learned.”

John bent down to pick up Marlena’s apron and dress, as well as his tie. “I’m going to go upstairs, check on Marlena.”

“Okay. I’ll be down here, cleaning this mess,” she yelled after him, a reminder that she was still in the house and they should not get carried away upstairs. 

It was half past ten and Marlena was just getting ready for bed. She pulled her hair back in a loose pony and sighed. For an hour and a half, she had been ready to hop in between the covers and get some much-needed sleep but things like tidying had to be done. 
 
Katherine tried to help but Marlena insisted she would clean up herself, still mortified about the middle-aged woman finding she and her son in quite the compromising position earlier that afternoon. Dinner had gone smoothly and neither of them had said a word — and she prayed that Katherine hadn’t spoken a word of it with her husband and John’s father. 
 
Judging by Philip’s behavior, it was probably safe to assume she hadn’t. He was just as charming and talkative as ever, and Katherine for her part, acted like she hadn’t seen, or walked in on anything — Except for the first few minutes after John and Marlena came back down into the kitchen after being caught in the act. There had been some awkward silence and averted looks but soon enough it was like it never happened.
 
When John had gone up to check on her, he found her naked, going through her closet. “God, you’re so sexy,” he groaned, dropping her discarded dress she’d left downstairs on the foot of her bed. He stalked towards her like she was his prey. 
 
He brought his hand to her face and made her look him in the eye. The look on his face was primal. Primal want and need. And then he kissed her. It was tender, shy almost, until Marlena moaned into his mouth, and it became primal. 
 
He slammed her back into the wall. It was hard and it probably hurt, but she moaned and never broke the connection of their lips. John’s hands went to her hips, pulling her naked body into his. Fuck. Her erect nipples pressed onto his bare chest, his growing erection pressing against her through his trousers. 
 
He pulled back from the kiss and looked at her. Leaning against the wall, breathing heavily, hair a mess, lips swollen. “Mom’s still downstairs.” He groaned. “Oh, the things I’d do to you if she wasn’t here.” 
 
Marlena chuckled, her fingers outlining his lips. “As much as I’d love to hear what those things are,” she swallowed, “we can’t,” she said, pushing on his chest and putting some distance between them. She quickly grabbed a black sleeveless jumpsuit and slipped it on as John blatantly stared. “Could you not?”
 
Aloof, he smirked. “What?”
 
“Maybe you should go back downstairs before your mother gets the wrong idea,” she said, applying a thin layer of nude lipstick.
 
“You don’t need any of this stuff, you already look amazing without it.” John smirked and leaned in to kiss her.
 
“John Black, if you mess up my lipstick, I will personally murder you,” Marlena murmured against his lips.
 
“Don’t care,” John muttered in response, pressing her flat against the wall as his lips attacked her neck. “Can we just tell my mother to go and reschedule this thing?” he asked, pausing at the base of her throat.
 
“Absolutely not,” she replied, pushing him away. “John, we have to go,” she added after he sent a pouty look her way.
 
“Fine, fine,” John grumbled, slapping her ass. Marlena checked her reflection in the mirror, wiped the lipstick smudged around her lips and then followed him downstairs to the kitchen and his awaiting mother. 
 
There were tense chuckles and awkward apologies only momentarily as they properly greeted each other. 
 
“I really appreciate you inviting us over for dinner, Marlena,” Katherine Black said as she pulled away from their hug.
 
“Absolutely! Philip is still coming, correct?” She had to ask, since he had not been there to walk in on John and Marlena in the middle of things. Thank God he wasn’t, one of them was bad enough.
 
“Oh yes, he’ll come by later. As I told John after you went upstairs, I felt bad that you had to make this meal all by yourself and I wanted to offer my help. I really should have called first,” she blushed.
 
“I bet you won’t be making that mistake again,” John joked, easing the mood.
 
The women laughed. “I won’t! What is it that we’re having again?” Katherine asked, a hint of amusement in her voice.
 
“Chicken Parmesan, a salad, maybe some asparagus or some type of vegetable on the side?”
 
“Where do we started,” asked John, rubbing his palms together. 
 
Katherine laughed, pointing at the bowls and burned muffin tray. “You can finish cleaning this mess up. Marlena and I will start the cooking.”
 
Nearly a half hour later, once the desert mess had been cleaned and the ladies were working on the dinner, John sat on a barstool and observed Marlena. Her hair was clipped back, tendrils hanging loosely here and there, the apron she had on earlier was hugging her body like a glove, the black sleeveless jumpsuit she wore covered her chest but after what they shared just a few steps away earlier, all John could see was her amazingly shaped breasts. He licked his lips, remembering the feel of her pert nipples in his mouth.
 
“John, you there?” his mother laughed.
 
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” he asked sheepishly, averting his eyes from Marlena, who was so enthralled in seasoning her sauce that she never noticed him gawking at her. “I was lost in thought,” he said as he finally looked to his mother.
 
“I can see that,” she laughed again. “I was wondering what you wanted to drink with dinner.”
 
“I have plenty of options down in the cellar.” Coming around the large island, John took hold of the wooden spoon and dipped it in the sauce, quickly stealing a taste. “Mmm,” he nodded, licking his lips. “It’s good.”
 
Marlena’s eyes lit up, “yeah?”
 
“I must admit, I was skeptical.” He laughed as Marlena swatted his chest. Next, he dipped his index finger in the tomato sauce, holding it up to her lips. “Try it.” 
 
On guard, expecting him to spread it across her face or do something mischievous, Marlena took hold of his wrist and apprehensively guided it into her mouth, gently sucking the sauce from his finger. “Tasty,” she smiled as he slipped his finger from her moist lips.
 
Watching from a distance, Katherine blushed, the fire still very present in the younger couple. Clearly her surprise arrival earlier did nothing to defer their mood.
 
“John, you’re banned from the kitchen,” Katherine called out, a knowing look splaying her face.
 
“What?” he feigned insult. “I can help.”
 
“You can help with other things,” Katherine paused knowing exactly how to get John busy. “Why don’t you set the table and grab some wine from your wine cellar…I don’t want you distracting Marlena. We don’t need another burnt dish like those muffins from earlier.” She patted her son affectionately on the arm, not only to reassure him but to get him out of the kitchen as well. “Now shoo.”
 
Marlena giggled as John walked away begrudgingly. Going back to stirring her sauce, she sighed and smiled.
 
Looking away from her chicken, Katherine raised a brow to Marlena. “So, things seem to be going well between you and John. Is it safe to say very well?”
 
She nodded, smoothing her hands on the apron covering her front. “You could say that. He’s been nothing but great…He is great. I’m so blessed to have him in my life.” She thought back, never imagining her life would end up this way. She never would have thought that she and John would be where they were today. 
 
Years before, she thought she had lost him forever, but now look at them. They were living under the same roof — even if it was unconventional — sharing a bed at night, and she was standing in his kitchen, with his mother, preparing a family meal. It all felt right. It felt like she belonged there, in his house, in his bed, with his family. 
 
“I like seeing you both happy again. It’s been a long time.” She wasn’t just talking since losing Spencer, but before that as well. John could fool most, but he could never fool his mother. Katherine knew John wasn’t very happy with Rebecca. 
 
“I feel happy,” said Marlena. “I don’t want to lose that.” I don’t want to lose him.
 
***
 
Marlena was going through her drawers, picking out pajamas when John knocked on her bedroom door. John quietly came into the room, running a hand through his short hair.  
 
“Well, that was a good dinner,” he chuckled.
 
Marlena shot him a side glance, taking a pair of shorts and a t-shirt in her hands before sliding the drawer closed again. Removing her earrings, she placed the studs on the dresser. Going into the bathroom, she didn’t close the door all the way as she started to change. 
 
“I will say, it went better than I expected. It just sucks that I didn’t have any desert for after. Your fault by the way,” she said, pulling the t-shirt over her head.
 
John laughed. “My fault?”
 
“Yes, you distracted me.” Pulling the door wide open, Marlena threw the jumper she had on in the laundry basket. Stepping back into the bathroom, she put a headband on her head, keeping the stray hairs away as she began to take off her makeup and wash her face. 
 
John started to laugh, shaking his head.
 
Moving her hands in circular motions, she spread the cleansing oil on her face. “What’s so funny.”
 
“Ah, nothing,” he laughed. “It’s really not funny. I still can’t believe my mom saw us like that.” 
 
Marlena smiled despite herself. “Stop that. I was embarrassed.” With a warm cloth, she wiped the oil off her face. “Can you imagine walking in on our child and their significant other in the middle of sex? You would never be able to look at them the same way again.” 
 
Still standing in the bedroom, John raised a brow and smirked. “Our child? So you —” 
 
She cut him off. Defensively, she said, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”
 
“Mhmm.” John was about to ask if she’d thought about having more kids with him before she cut him off. That idea pleased him; he’d have an entire baseball team of kids with her if she’d let him.
 
“I was just trying to explain. My god,” she breathed, “I’m mortified. I was naked, you had your hand between my legs!”
 
“You were not naked,” he protested.
 
Marlena rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed. “I had on a thong, which barely constitutes clothing. I couldn’t even look your mom in the eyes all evening, I don’t think I ever will.”
 
“She’ll forget all about it.” He hoped. A mother should never see their child in the midst of sex.
 
Face freshly cleaned, Marlena walked out of the bathroom as she applied moisturizer to her face. “I’m just saying, if the situation were reversed and I saw what she saw, the image would be burned in my brain for a long time.” 
 
John chuckled and watched as she finished up her routine. She sat on her bed, applying cream to her arms and hands. “You coming to bed soon?” He asked, taking a seat at her feet. 
 
She sighed, brushing the hair from her face. “I think I’m going to sleep in here tonight.”
 
John laughed, not taking her seriously. “Come on Doc, you can’t be serious.” It wasn’t until she gave him a frown that he understood that she meant it. Extending an arm, John placed a hand on one of her bare knees.
 
Her breath hitched, feeling the electricity from his simple touch. “John.” 
 
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
 
She pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them. “We had a very close call earlier. At least if we sleep in separate beds, we won’t be tempted to finish what we started.” 
 
More than anything she wanted to finish what they started. But they couldn’t. She didn’t want to ruin the good place they found themselves in. Sex would complicate things and she wasn’t ready to lose the closeness they shared once again. 
 
John tugged lightly on one of her ankles, laughing. “Would it be so bad if we did?” His eyebrow arched. “You know how spine shattering it always is,” he teased her, his hand running up and down her calf.
 
Her eyes followed the movements of his hand, her skin tingling. “I’m well aware of that.” 
 
John’s hand was running down her calf slowly. Once at her ankle, he pulled, yanking her body down underneath his. Putting her foot on his chest, Marlena gently pushed him away. Grabbing her foot, John ever so softly kissed the inside of her ankle, skimming his lips and tongue up her calf, stopping on the inside of her thigh. His mouth got busy, tongue lapping and lips sucking, leaving a bright hickey behind. With a final lick of the hickey, John pulled away. 
 
“You don’t have to worry,” he said, voice deep and laced with desire. “As much as I want to, I won’t make love to you tonight.” 
 
A puzzled looked shown across Marlena’s face. Looking up at him through her long lashes, she had to hide her disappointment. 
 
“I think I’ve decided I want to take things slow with you; I want to give you space. It’s not that I don’t want to touch you.” He explained, putting her hair behind her ear and brushing his thumb over her rosy cheek. “I don’t want you to think I’m using you. You’re more than just sex to me.” 
 
It was quiet then. Only the sounds of their breathing audible in the room, the air thick with tension as they shared an intense gaze. Like they were communicating without speaking.
 
Shutting her eyes, Marlena whispered, “John?” 
 
She got a lasting kiss on her forehead and a whispered “goodnight” in reply. She then felt him push up off of her, seeing him leave the room as she finally opened her eyes. Her heart was racing, butterflies fluttering in her stomach as she was left alone to analyze what had just happened.
 
Her thoughts seemed to run endless; thoughts of John, of John and her, of them as a family. She couldn’t stop herself from conjuring up what would have happened in the kitchen had Katherine not arrived so early. Endless thoughts, hours on end.
 
Then, she felt his presence and her heart beat a little faster. Hearing light footsteps, Marlena turned over on her side and saw John entering her bedroom.
 
“John?”
 
Raising the covers, he slipped in and joined her in bed. “Couldn’t sleep. What’s your excuse?”
 
“Same reason.” She adjusted herself and her pillow, settling in close to him, her right hand laying on his bare chest. “I think I’ve gotten so used to having you beside me that when I didn’t, I wasn’t able to fall asleep.”
 
John nodded in the dark, bringing the hand on his chest to his lips for a light kiss before placing it back where she had rest it, his fingers intertwining with hers. 
 
No words were spoken after that, both at peace being in the other’s presence. They both fell asleep shortly after, like a missing piece of a puzzle was found and it was finally complete. 

Marlena was in the kitchen cooking. She had on a pretty green dress with an apron so as to not stain it. As she was finishing mixing up the cookie dough for dessert, she heard John walk in. She didn’t look over her shoulder, she didn’t have to. His footsteps gave him away and they were coming closer and closer.
 
“Looks good,” he said, and the little hairs on the back of her neck rose up from how close his voice was. 
 
“Don’t think you’re getting any,” Marlena said quietly, still stirring with a wooden spoon.
 
John chuckled softly. “That’s not the reason I came in here,” he said.
 
She leaned her head to one side, feeling a slight draft on her skin with her hair tied up. “Why are you here, then?” She asked, keeping her eyes on the bowl.
 
“Because,” said John, as she felt his hands on her hips as they circled around her waist, linking together at her stomach. “You look amazing in this apron.”
 
Her breath hitched in her throat. She could feel his breath on her neck now, making goosebumps show up on her legs. The area between her thighs was throbbing subtly, just enough for her to notice.
 
“I know you want this,” she said, dipping one finger into the dough and coming out with a considerable amount. She offered it over her shoulder, and when his warm, wet mouth closed around it, Marlena thought she would melt right to the floor.
 
He sucked on her finger and curled his tongue around the tip while keeping intense eye contact. When he pulled back, Marlena was breathless and hot, and she wanted him more than ever.
 
“Delicious,” he said, then reached around and dipped that same finger in, offering it to her. “You try.”
 
Her heart fluttered in her chest as she held his wrist and sucked the dough from his finger. John licked his lips as she grazed his knuckle with her teeth, and she pulled off with a soft popping sound.
 
“So sweet,” she murmured, eyes roaming to his parted lips.
 
Then, with steady hands on her hips, he turned her back around with her hands braced on the counter. “I know something sweeter,” said John, pressing his lips to the curve of her neck.
 
She let her weight fall to her arms and dropped her head to one side, feeling his tongue lave over her skin as he closed his lips every now and then. He hugged her waist closer, and Marlena arched her back so her ass pressed right into his groin, and she could hear the air escape him because of it.
 
“You taste so good,” he said, sucking on her pulse point making her eyelashes flutter. 
 
Her breath hitched when she felt his hands on the back of her apron, untying it slowly so the strings would drop to either side. Going to help him, Marlena reached towards the tie behind her neck, but he stopped her. 
 
“I want you to keep it on,” he said.
 
Her mouth went dry and the throbbing between her legs was past the point of ignoring now. She turned around quickly and held his face in her hands, kissing him with everything she could muster, John’s hands sliding around her body to roughly kneed her ass. Marlena moaned and he swallowed the sound, yanking her closer to feel his erection against her thigh.
 
“I want you,” she said, and looked up at him through thick eyelashes. “John, please.”
 
John licked his lower lip and took Marlena by the hips again, deftly turning her back around to face the counter. Resting her weight on her palms, she pressed her thighs together when his hands went to the hem of her skirt, then she whimpered and jolted forward when he pulled the tight material up to rest around her waist.
 
Chin dropping to her chest, she took in a deep breath, trembling as he ran his hands over the curve of her ass. John pulled the underwear down slowly. As she stepped out of them, she heard the sound of his pants coming undone and anticipated what he’d feel like. 
 
John’s hand reached between her legs, and she lurched forward, mouth dropping open as she hadn’t expected that. She let out a shaky breath and she heard his voice, low and raspy, lips on her ear again.
 
“You’re wet,” he said, grip tight on her ass.
 
“I realize,” replied Marlena, voice strong until he patted her softly before pushing his way inside. “Oh, god,” she moaned, arching back against him. His hands were at her hips, keeping her close as if she planned on going anywhere, and his mouth was on her neck until she fell forward to rest on her elbows.
 
“Mmm, fuck,” he muttered, running a hand up her spine.
 
His thrusts were so good, it made her lose every coherent thought she’d ever had. She forgot that she was making dinner, she forgot about every little thing because he felt so out-of-this-world good inside of her that there was no room to think about anything else.
 
John grunted as he forced his hips against hers and Marlena couldn’t help the sounds she made. She moaned, matching the rhythm of his thrusts, and called out his name once she was close.
 
“Oh, John, I’m almost there,” she moaned desperately, hips squirming and pressing back against him. “I’m close. God, John, I’m so close. Please… oh, my god…”
 
“Marlena,” she heard, and the voice was definitely his, but it didn’t sound like he was in the throes of ecstasy like she expected. She had a moment of dream-confusion before she heard it again. “Doc, wake up.”
 
Marlena blinked her eyes open and saw real-life John standing over her bed, her phone in his hand. 
 
“This thing’s going off,” he said. “You left it downstairs.”
 
“Thanks,” she said, taking it from him. She looked at the caller ID, noting it was her sister and she’d call her back later. 
 
Putting the phone on the bedside table, Marlena could feel his eyes on her. Her heart was still pounding, a light sheen of sweat present on her forehead, and he woke her up at just the wrong time. She didn’t even get to come, which she was disappointed about. Even though the situation was fake, the orgasm probably would’ve been real.
 
“What were you dreaming about?” John asked sneakily, lingering by the doorway as he adjusted his cuffs. 
 
“Nothing,” she replied, trying to sound casual. “I don’t remember.” She sat up, leaning against the headboard.
 
“Does this help?” he asked. “John… oh, John!”
 
Her face burst into flames as she stared at him with wide eyes. “I… I…” She stammered. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
 
He turned his back as he walked out the door. “Sure, sure,” he called over his shoulder, then laughed. “Don’t worry about it, Doc. I’ve been there too, a few times.”
 
Marlena sat and closed her eyes, taking a moment to breathe and calm herself. That was some dream. She chalked it up to not having sex in a couple of months and the close call they’d had the day before.
 
John came back a few minutes later, startling her. “Which one?” He held up two ties, a grey and a blue.
 
“The blue one,” she pointed to it. “Brings out your eyes. Anything special going on at the office today?” Marlena observed, amused, as John struggled with the tie.
 
“Nothing more than usual.” Fumbling around, he groaned.
 
Marlena groaned, mocking him. “Come here,” she whispered but it came out sultrier than she intended. Clearing her throat, she got up on her knees on the mattress and pulled him closer using his tie. Tension ran high as Marlena fixed the tie and made sure it was straight. “There, perfect,” she smiled.
 
John cleared his throat, retreating. “Thank you.”
 
“I’m surprised that after all this time you still can’t get your tie right.”
 
John raised an eyebrow, smirking at her. “How come you haven’t figured it out? Any reason to get you close to me.”
 
Try as she might, she couldn’t control the big smile that he provoked. “You don’t need a crooked tie for that,” she whispered.
 
“Good to know,” he said seriously. “I’ll see you later. Have a good day.”
 
Marlena fell back onto the mattress, sighing, a smile plastering her face. She felt like a teenager with the way he made her feel. The butterflies, the big toothy grins, the dreams. When she heard the garage door open and close, she knew John was pulling out of the drive and she’d be alone for hours. Laying there, she thought of the moment John woke her and pulled her from dream heaven.
 
She allowed her hands to caress her skin, the yearning inside of her having already been woken from just her dream, her fingers trailing across her body, her mind arousing all her senses and she yearned to feel pleasure again. She thought of nothing but John as her clit started to pulse and ache, a feeling combined with her lips, which moistened as they swelled and bulged with pleasure. 
 
Running her hand and fingertips up the length of her leg, she felt the silky softness and took pleasure in the feeling. It was her touch, but still a beautiful touch to receive. Marlena wanted an orgasm and she wanted to come hard.
 
Her heightened need to feel the heat rush over her body had her on high alert. The material of her t-shirt brushed against her breasts, her nipples hardening in response. Anything stroking her skin at that moment turned her on.
 
Pushing the shirt higher on her chest to expose her own breasts, Marlena squeezed each one in turn, clutching hard at the soft skin. She had an ache she needed to get rid of. Her nipples hardened as she squeezed and molded her tits with her hands. Marlena pinched the tips until she moaned with pleasure, pushing her pelvis forward and spreading her legs wider, discarding the sheet that covered her.
 
Marlena’s right-hand stroked down her body and without hesitating she instantly thought of John, as her hand slipped into her shorts. How his hand would touch her, how he knew just where she would burn with pleasure, her feeling swelled as she started to twitch with increased desire. The thud of her heartbeat increased at the thought of pushing her fingers into her pussy. She wanted it to be John’s thick fingers pushing in, one and then two digits, have them sliding up and down, rubbing her clit, making her pant with desire.
 
Marlena’s hand went lower to find the wet warmth of her slit. Sliding her finger to her entrance and swiftly back up again to her clit, she shuddered at the touch. Ah the agony, the sweet pleasure as she rubbed her own pussy, feeling the dampness build on her fingers, her mind all the time thinking of him and how he enjoyed her.
 
With her head back Marlena continued to tease her sensitive puffed lips, rubbing with such intent, the feel and passion she was creating was becoming incredibly intense. Her hand continued but struggled to keep up with her need. Without thinking, her reaction was just to pull roughly at her shorts, wanting them away from her burning clit, she wanted to feel free to explore and ravage her hungry pussy. She needed more, wanted so much more. John could give her so much more, she knew.
 
Her breathing becoming harsher, she needed to feel John’s fingers inside of her, but hers would have to do. Pushing a single digit in, Marlena moaned her delight. She was so wet, she could hear her arousal as she slid in and out, but it still was not enough, she needed more.
 
Sliding two fingers in, Marlena let out a grunt as she pictured John on his knees, pushing two of his fingers into her pussy. He was gentle at first, tentative, getting used to how she felt. Marlena widened her legs further and thrust in, just like she wanted John to. With her other hand, her fingers found her clit and it was also wet, swollen and sensitive. Slowly she circled her nub, finding a rhythm she enjoyed, pushing in with her fingers and rubbing her clit.
 
It felt so good, heat was spreading across her belly and up over her breasts. A thin sheen of sweat covered her neck and face. Her heart was pumping, and her breathing was heavy as her hips moved, fingers thrusting and rubbing harder as she tried to reach her orgasm. 
 
***
 
A few minutes down the road, John was trying to get his car to text Marlena, but it wouldn’t work. Immediately he realized he left his phone in the kitchen, probably beside the coffee machine. Turning around, he made it back home in a few minutes. 
 
He quickly ran into the house and into the kitchen, about the leave once again when he heard noises coming from upstairs. He stopped, listening. He recognized those sounds, sounds that only he should be responsible for. Quietly creeping up the stairs, John snuck up to Marlena’s still open bedroom door and peaked in. The site before him made all the blood in his body to rush south.
 
He found Marlena alone, back arched off the bed, one of her hands buried between her legs, the other pinching a nipple. Her head was thrown back and her mouth was agape, sweet moans escaping. All John wanted to do was replace her hands with his mouth, his own hands and his dick. He throbbed, his erection pressing firmly against his trousers.
 
He gawked for a minute, enjoying the show before fully stepping into the room. It took all the self-control in him to not replace her hands with his own. Instead, John took a big breath and grabbed hold of Marlena’s hands in his and pinned them above her head, startling her. 
 
“John!” she panted; her mind still foggy that she did not quite comprehend what had just happened. It came as such a surprise that her body had not had time to catch up, her hips were still grinding, trying to find anything to relieve the pressure that was building inside of her.
 
With one hand securing her wrists to the mattress, John used his right hand to pin her hips down, effectively halting the grinding they were doing against his thigh. Laying atop her, he peered down at her flushed face. 
 
With a heavy whisper, he said, “No more masturbating.”
 
Marlena swallowed hard, so horny. He had stopped her right before she could reach the edge, she was so close, just like he had interrupted her steamy dream. And now he was pinning her down, his breath hot on her skin as she struggled to catch her breath. After a moment she gave a small nod of her head.
 
Letting go of her wrists, John moved down her body until he was faced with her pink, swollen and wet lips. Using his fingers to spread her open John licked slowly from her opening up to her clit.
 
Unable to control herself, Marlena thrust her pelvis up into his face, letting out a loud moan.
 
Using his hands to pin her hips down, John gently bit her hot bundle of nerves before climbing up her body. “You are not to cum unless it is at my hands, understood?”
 
Marlena swallowed hard, entranced. 
 
He moved his hand from her hip to her middle, pressing his middle finger to her clit. “I will tie you to this bed until I come home from work if I have to. Now, I ask again, understood?”
 
“Y-Yes,” she managed, voice dry.
 
“Good girl.” He skimmed his right hand back to her hip, his fingers moving slowly.
 
All of Marlena’s senses were awake, heightened, and his fingers on her bare skin, his body covering hers on the bed, his hand pinning her wrists down, his hot breath on her skin, all of his was torture for her. She struggled not to shudder under his touch. 
 
Sensing her struggle, John smirked. “Now,” he said, as he gently let go of her wrists and stood up, “I’m going to go to work, and I’ll see you tonight.”
 
Marlena nodded, throat too dry to say anything as she pulled the sheet over her exposed and heated body. 
 
Just as he was about to leave her bedroom, John turned around and placed his index to his bottom lip. “Oh, and Doc, don’t think I can’t tell when you’ve had an orgasm.” With that, he turned around and left, leaving Marlena hot and heavy, all high and dry. 

To be continued…