BOOK ONE: The Beginning
Prologue
Welcome to the past. Where college is nothing more than growing, learning, and most of all, loving. Where the future doesn’t matter just yet and the present is all that is known. Where fraternity parties and dinner with friends seems like the most wonderful plans and where sleeping throughout the day is almost what you live for.
At New York University, two strangers will meet. Neither of them knowing that their paths will cross and neither of them knowing that one day their love will be all that matters. In the heart of the greatest city in the world lie the hearts of two people bound together for destiny, John Black and Marlena Evans.
Together they will learn about all the world has to offer. The good, the bad, the joy, the sorrows … and together they will make it through. Welcome to the past, where a love meant to last all of eternity first begins.
Easter was always her least favorite time at work. While a restaurant across the street from a church always made for good money on Sunday morning, Easter Sunday seemed to overwhelm her. She had been working for nearly eight hours now, having been there since seven that morning. Her feet ached and her clothes smelled like maple syrup and blueberry pancakes, but she couldn’t complain. She had made over $200 in tips, for people were always a little more generous around the holidays, just enough to buy the perfect dress for her sorority’s formal.
“Jeff,” she yelled into her manager’s office, “I’m out of here. Happy Easter!”
Jeff Hart rolled back in his chair, sticking his head out his office door. “Bye, Mar. See you Wednesday?”
“Nope, Friday night, remember? I have my independent study final on Wednesday and I’ll never make it back from the city in time.”
“Oh, that’s right. Good luck. And Happy Easter.”
She smiled, walking towards the doors, which would soon lead to freedom. She loved her job, but sometimes all she wanted was the salvation of her car, blasting Bon Jovi as she drove from Long Island into the city.
For Marlena Evans, it had always been a dream to make it into NYU, simply because New York was dazzling to her. She had spent her summers as a little girl in the city, feeling like a big girl as she took the train from her home in Garden City into the chaos filled arena of Penn Station. The large mass of people had once scared her, but the older she got, the more she yearned to be within the millions of strangers. She loved sitting in Starbucks, waiting for her train back home, just staring at people and wondering just what their lives were like. What kind of lives did they lead? Were they happy? Did they have a secret life that maybe their spouse knew nothing about? It was these reasons why she had entered into a major of Psychiatry. There was nothing like analyzing other lives, all the while helping them.
Marlena stepped out into warm spring afternoon, inhaling the fresh smell of lilacs, bordering the restaurant. She stopped walking for a moment, pulling open the Jansport backpack that always seemed to be with her. Fishing through for a moment, she pulled out a pack of Marlboro Lights, along with a pack of matches.
“Can I bum one?”
She looked up into the most intriguing blue eyes she had ever seen. She had become so used to studying people that she knew his eyes told a story all their own. They were dark, mysterious, yet beautiful. She gave him a small smile, pulling out an extra cigarette and handed it to him.
“Thanks. I had to get away from the family for a few minutes. Easter Sunday with the parents suck.”
Marlena smiled, shrugging her shoulders. “I wouldn’t know. I’m Jewish.”
“Ah,” he grinned, “so you get the seder, huh?”
“You know what a seder is?” Marlena asked, surprised. “I’ve come to find that a lot of non Jewish people have no idea.”
He blushed, embarrassed. “Okay, I confess, my girlfriend watches The OC.”
“Ah,” Marlena winked, “of course, the Cohen family seder. Luckily my family isn’t as dramatic as theirs. But I do have the scary Nana.”
“A real Yenta huh?”
Marlena burst out laughing, shaking her head. “I could be highly insulted …”
“You could, but you’re not.”
She stood staring at him for a moment, wondering how it was that certain people just clicked the instant they met. She didn’t know this guy from Adam, in all likeliness, she’d never even see him again, but she couldn’t help but want to stay. Glancing at her watch, she sighed reluctantly.
“I’m sorry, I need to get going.”
She gave him one last smile, before disappearing into the swarm of cars in the parking lot. John Black stood and watched, surprised by the conversation moments before. He was social when he was around people he knew, but he had never been one to make friends with strangers, let alone someone whose name he didn’t even manage to catch. He stood watching until he saw her car pull out of the lot and took one last drag of his cigarette before heading back inside.
**
“Look, John, I think you need to take into consideration the fact that you’re extremely close to failing.”
John rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his water. “I’m aware, Dad. What do you want me to do? I have no interest in foreign films or film history in general. Besides, it’s one class.”
“It’s more than one, honey,” Jillian Black replied. “You’re failing three out of five. Your father and I think it’s time that you quit crew. We also agree that maybe you should stop seeing Liv-“
“You have got to be kidding me! Olivia has nothing to do with this. She’s brilliant. This is about me. I just … I don’t care about school. I never really have, you know this about me.”
“Look, John,” his father said firmly, “if you don’t fix your grades and pass your finals, there will be serious consequences. I suggest you get a tutor to help you prepare for these tests.”
John leaned back in his chair closing his eyes. “Well, happy fucking Easter,” he mumbled.
If only John Black had known then, that the news of him failing was about to lead him to the greatest discovery of his life: Marlena Evans.
Heartache in college is almost like the end of the world. As a freshman, I encountered my first real relationship. I believed that the world began with him and the world was going to end with him. I was 17 and naïve and when we broke up a little less than a year later, I thought I was going to die. And looking back on it, I can’t believe it was ever that bad. I think about him, I won’t lie. I wonder if he has a girlfriend and if he does, does she mean as much to him as I did. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, but then the real world sets in. Papers pile out, tests keep being scheduled, friends continually want to go out, and it’s almost laughable when I realize how depressed I once was.
Marlena stopped typing, biting down on her lower lip. Despite the numerous tests she had lined up in the next couple of weeks, her weekly column for the school website was more interesting and her only escape these days. But her mind was occupied this afternoon, only hours after she had left work. She kept thinking about the guy she had shared a cigarette with outside of work, although she wasn’t sure why. She’d never see him again, she barely even knew him, but for some reason, he continued to remain in her mind. Shaking her head, to dismiss all other thoughts, Marlena began to type once again.
Looking back on things, I realize now that maybe I was never in love. I never got goosebumps when he was around. Aren’t you supposed to? When you’re head over hells in love with someone shouldn’t you just want to breathe them in and consume them?
“Consume, huh? Interesting.”
Marlena spun around in her chair and smiled. “Yeah, Roman. Consume. Like I want to consume whatever you just brought into this apartment.” Marlena sniffed the room for a moment, licking her lips. “Is that your mother’s chicken parm I smell?”
Roman Brady sat on the couch across from her, crossing his legs. “Yes it is, especially for you. She was upset you were missing Easter breakfast because of work, so she packed some food up for you.”
“I love your mother,” Marlena said, leaning back in her chair, stretching contently. “Are you sure you’re gay? I would love to marry you.”
“No,” Roman laughed, “you’d love to marry my mother’s cooking.” Roman paused for a moment, pulling the wheels of Marlena’s chair closer to him. He placed his hand on her knee, rubbing as if comforting her. “Mar, I need to tell you something.”
Marlena raised her eyebrow. “Why are you so serious all of a sudden? What’s going on?”
Roman took a deep breath before continuing. “When I was home this weekend, I was flipping through our local paper and …” Roman paused, trying to find the right words. “I read a little of what you were writing for the website and well, Marlena, Nick is getting married and I wanted to make sure you were okay about it–“
“I’m fine.” Marlena stood up, grabbing her coat next to Roman on the couch.
He stood, taking her arm. “Where are you going?”
“To celebrate his engagement.”
**
For Olivia Burns, Easter wasn’t about family or chocolate or hunting for eggs, it was about alcohol. Since moving into her own apartment sophomore year, she had thrown these parties every year. Easter was likely to be a stressful time for most college kids, having to deal with all of their family, at once, that Olivia had promised to have these shindigs every year until she graduated. And as a senior, this Easter bash was the best yet. People filled the rooms of her apartment, music blasting from speakers, laughter coming from all ends. In the corner of the room stood Marlena Evans, a bottle of beer in one hand, a shot of Absolute in her other.
“Come on Donovan, you can drink more!” Marlena yelled, downing her shot. “This is … this my sevix shot.” Marlena giggled when she realized what she said. “Is sevix a word?”
Olivia walked over to the group, gently pulling Marlena aside. “Mar, maybe you should stop.”
“But I’m celebrating! My ex boyfriend … remember Nick? He had such a fine ass, didn’t he? Well, he’s engaged! Isn’t that something? I mean he must have known this girl for like what? Two days?” Marlena stopped for a moment, swallowing the bile that was rising in her throat. “I gotta go, gonna puke.”
Marlena ran through the crowd of people and out the door, just as John Black walked in. Olivia spotted him and quickly walked over to him, pulling him aside.
“I need your help.”
“Hello to you too,” he grinned, kissing her lightly on the lips.
“Hi. Now, I need your help? Did you see the girl who just fled past you? Can you just make sure she’s all right?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Her ex is getting married.”
“Oh. Okay, I’m on it.”
John walked out onto the street, only able to see a girl around his age, hunched over. Her blonde hair hung in front of her face and when she stood up he could tell she had thrown up everywhere … including her shoes and her hair. She looked up at him, her eyes vulnerable, almost on the verge of crying.
“You’re the guy from my restaurant,” Marlena whispered. She dropped onto the sidewalk and John sat down beside her, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Your restaurant? Do you own it?” He teased.
“I don’t know.” She looked down at her shoes and then back up at John, frowning. “I puked on my shoes.”
“Yeah you did. And a little in your hair too,” he smiled, touching her cheek.
“Why do all guys have to break girls’ hearts? You said you had a girlfriend, right?”
“I’m sure you know her. This is her place.”
“You’re dating Liv? I love Liv. Don’t hurt her. Don’t dump her and then marry someone else. Can you promise me that?”
“I promise. You know what I realized?”
Marlena perched her elbow up on her knee, staring at John. “That you have really beautiful eyes.”
John laughed, shaking his head. “That I don’t even know your name.”
“Marlena.”
“Well hi, Marlena. I’m John.”
“John,” Marlena yawned, leaning her head on his shoulder, not realizing where she was or whom she was with, “I had a dog named John once.”
And in a moment, she was asleep on his shoulder, snoring lightly. Instead of waking her, he sat on the sidewalk in the middle of New York City, allowing a girl he had met only hours earlier to sleep, not wanting to disturb her, and almost enjoying her presence.A hangover is almost like getting hit by a truck. Your body aches, your head is going to explode, you’ve never felt so sick, but the difference is a hangover won’t kill you. But you wish it would.
Marlena rolled over in bed, the bright sunlight making her groan in agony. Her head sank back between the plush confines of her pillow once again, but it was too late. The nausea had set in and she was determined to never touch another drop of liquor again. She closed her eyes in hopes to rid herself of the spinning bedroom but moments later the door cracked open and Marlena allowed herself a small smile. She opened one eye, noticing Roman’s head peaking through.
“You can come in. I’m not dead. Close, but not quite. I haven’t been this drunk since initiation into Sigma Kappa.”
Roman stepped into the room, holding a glass with a concoction Marlena was afraid to even look at. She never understood the purpose of hangover drinks the morning after when they inevitably made you feel worse before you felt any better. She looked at him with puppy dog eyes and a pout Roman Brady could never resist, but handed her the glass anyway.
“You need this. Hold your nose and swallow. And don’t give me the lip, I’m doing this for your own good.”
Marlena reluctantly took the glass from his hand and pinched her nose with her thumb and pointer finger. Taking a large swig, she nearly gagged before swallowing. “My God,” she gasped, holding her chest, “I feel like I did the first time I swallowed semen.”
“And what a lovely image that is,” Roman grinned.
She placed the glass on the nightstand, laying her head in Roman’s lap. His hand intertwined through her hair, gently playing with her luscious blonde locks. Silence endured for a moment as Marlena curled up in the comfort of her best friend.
“Want to talk about it?” Roman asked, quietly.
Marlena sighed, allowing the tears that had just begun to fall melt onto Roman’s jeans. “Do you remember when I first met Nick?”
“Of course.”
“I always felt so privileged to be dating a senior when I was only a freshman. But I realize now it was so much more than that. People didn’t love Nick because of some dumb reason like that. They loved him because he could walk into a room and make anyone laugh no matter how bad their day had been. He was charming and personable and he had this aura to him, like he could light up the world. That’s why people loved him. That’s why I loved him.”
Marlena wiped her tears with the pad of her thumb, yet they wouldn’t stop falling.
“You know, I don’t even know why you two broke up,” Roman said, quietly. “We are best friends, yet I never knew what he said to make you close off so much, even to me.”
Marlena allowed the silence to wash over her like a warm quilt, finding some sort of solace in a memory that might not have been good, but still took her back to a time when he was hers. The television in the living room seemed louder than usual and she could almost make out the voices of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in the end of their fairy tale love story.
“No one knew,” Marlena whispered. “About three weeks before he graduated, I was late. I’m always regulated and I freaked out. I didn’t want to tell Nick, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I was almost ashamed, you know? So I went to a store about three miles from here, just so no one would recognize me. But when I got home, Nick was there and he saw the bag and he figured it out. So I took the test and it was the worst three minutes of my life. I couldn’t even look at him. I was 18 and he was ready to start his life and I wasn’t prepared to have a child. Needless to say, after three minutes, which felt like a lifetime, we found out … I wasn’t. But things weren’t the same. He broke up with me a day before graduation–“
“That bastard–“
Marlena sat up, shaking her head. “Truthfully, I was glad he did. We became strangers in those three weeks. But the reason I cried so hard was that if he hadn’t been there or I had gotten the test another day, none of this would have happened.”
“Milo, fate always has a way of working things out,” Roman said, wiping her tears.
“Enough with the fate talk.”
“You can make fun, but I’m serious. Besides, I read your article you were writing. I thought you said you weren’t truly in love?”
Marlena pondered this for a moment, pulling a few strands of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t think I was, but when I heard about his engagement … well things changed.”
“Yes, I know. You drank Olivia’s entire apartment.”
Marlena pulled her hands to her face, covering it in embarrassment. “Oh God, the last thing I remember was being outside, throwing up all over myself, and I’m pretty sure I met this guy. John. I think at one point he said his last name was Blue or Purple or–“
“Black?”
“You know him?”
“I have a class with him. He’s hot.”
Marlena laughed, nodding her head. “Yes, that he is.”
**
John lay in bed next to Olivia, their hands intertwined underneath the blanket. He rolled over, nuzzling his lips somewhere between her shoulders and her neck. Still half asleep, Olivia began to giggle, squeezing his hand gently.
“Stop that.” She rolled over to face him, her heart melting with one look into his blue eyes. She had always loved those eyes, loved the way they could tell her a story even without words. She had met John Black at a frat party three years back and from the moment they had met, things just clicked. They both loved the same movies, the same music, the same shows, but most of all, they both just wanted someone who could understand the way the world worked. “J, we need to talk.”
His motions stopped suddenly, knowing her sudden change in attitude couldn’t be good. He propped himself up on one elbow, staring into her chocolate cream-colored eyes.
“What’s up?”
“I got a job offer for after graduation.”
John’s face broke out into a large grin and he leaned over kissing Liv. “That is so great, baby. Where?”
“It’s a really great opportunity with this wonderful PR firm. They have some really great celebrity clients like Dustin Hoffman, Jennifer Aniston, Heather Locklear, and they really want me as an assistant …”
“That’s amazing. Where in the city is it?”
Liv bit down on her lower lip, closing her eyes. “It’s in Los Angeles.”
“What?” John looked at her stunned. “Are you leaving?”
“John,” Olivia sighed, “it’s an amazing opportunity. I mean it’s Heather Locklear for God’s sake. I spent my entire teenage years wanting to be Amanda Woodward! I can’t just give that up.”
“But you can give me up?” He shot back. “You’re actually telling me you’d rather shake hands with Heather Locklear and Jennifer Aniston than continue this relationship?”
“I never said I wanted to break up,” she responded, quietly.
“Long distance relationships can’t work and we both know it.”
“No, I don’t know that!” Olivia yelled, sitting up. “Damn it, how fucking selfish are you, John? You’re being a spoiled brat about this. It’s one year. You could spend the summer out in LA with me and I can come home for Christmas, you can come for spring break, and a year will fly by without either of us realizing.” Despite her attempts to stay strong, Olivia began to cry. “I’m sorry.”
John’s entire demeanor softened and he pulled Olivia into his arms, gently kissing the crown of her head. “I’m sorry too. You’re right. We’ll make this work.”
But while he said it, both Olivia and John knew that promises were sometimes made to be broken.
“I guess I just feel like I’m not worthy enough,” Marlena explained, leaning back on the couch. “It makes me wonder why he didn’t love me enough. Like I was good until he found someone better. And that wasn’t the case, not at all, but I still feel like there is a part of me that is never going to get over him. That I can be married for forty years and I’ll hear a song or see someone on the street who looks like him and I’ll wonder if he was my soulmate. Did you ever watch Sex and the City?”
Jack Hepburn looked up from the notebook he was writing in and smiled. “A couple of times. My wife was a fan.”
“Well, every girl has her Mr. Big. He’s the man that no girl can ever get over. He’s still in her life, but it’s not the same and sometimes you wonder if a friendship is worse than nothing at all. He’s the man you spend every relationship wondering if they’re the same, wondering if this new guy can ever measure up to what Mr. Big was. Carrie ended up with her Big. I’m not ending up with mine.”
“Marlena, you’ve been coming to me for therapy ever since you and Nick broke up two years ago. I’ve seen you fall apart and I’ve seen you pick yourself up again. Did you ever stop to consider that Nick isn’t your Big at all? That you never loved him as much as you should have, that the news of his engagement is just throwing you off course?”
“Of course I have,” Marlena replied, softly. “But that doesn’t change what I’m feeling.”
For a long time, Marlena had denied the fact that she went to therapy. Although studying it made her realize that almost everyone went, she still felt like she couldn’t be a good psychiatrist if she herself needed help. She had discovered Jack Hepburn when he came to the Psych department to give a lecture and she had been with him ever since, spending her Tuesday afternoons curled up on his couch, allowing someone else to see her soul, something she had given up when things had ended with Nick. To open up to someone was dangerous, after all, everyone in life was bound to hurt you at some point or another. Even Roman, her best friend in the world, didn’t know her all that well, no one really did except for Jack. She had begun to change in the past two years, but still remained guarded and wounded, a feeling she feared would never really leave her, but Jack had helped her in ways she never thought possible.
Marlena glanced at the clock on the wall, slipping her feet back into the black J. Crew sandals she had come in. “Thank you. For everything.”
“It’s my job.” Jack leaned back in his chair, assessing Marlena. “You know, you’re going to be a wonderful psychiatrist.”
Marlena laughed, slinging her bag over her shoulder. “How can you say that? I’m a mess.”
“Everyone has problems, Marlena. It’s the ones who know what it is they need that make the best shrinks possible. We’ve all lived through heartache, never forget that.”
She smiled at him genuinely, nodding her head. “See you next week.”
Marlena walked out of the room and into the waiting room, noticing no one was at the receptionist’s desk. Although she had the same time and day every week, being the perfectionist that she was, she needed to make sure her appointment was standing. She sat down in the waiting room, grabbing a copy of People beside her. Lost in an article on the breakup of Jennifer Garner and Scott Foley, Marlena never noticed the chair next to her being taken. It wasn’t until she felt a pair of eyes staring at her that she looked up, surprised to see who was beside her.
“John, right?”
He smiled, his entire face lighting up. “I never thought I’d run into you here.”
“You see me drunk off my ass and now in therapy. You must think I’m a mess,” Marlena blushed.
“Who isn’t?”
The sound of a ringing cell phone interrupted them and John reached into his pocket, fishing out his phone. He held up his finger for her, signaling another moment. She nodded, going back to her article, but listening to the one-ended tail of John’s conversation.
“Look, Mom, I promised you I would find someone … It’s not like I can just ask some random person on the street if they know Film History or Psychiatry. Fine. I’ll call you later.”
Marlena looked up, noticing the distress he seemed to be going through. She threw the magazine onto the table beside her and crossed her legs, turning towards John.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear. Do you need tutoring?”
“Yeah. I’m not doing too well. My parent’s are going to kill me unless I find a tutor and start passing.”
“Who do you have for Film?”
“Ryder.”
“Well listen, I took Ryder’s class when I was a freshman and I got an A. I’m also a Psych major. If you need me to tutor you, I will.”
John looked up at her surprised. “You’d do that?”
“Sure. After all, I did vomit on you. I feel this is the least I can do.”
John smiled. “Thank you. I’d really appreciate that.” The door to Jack Hepburn’s office opened and he motioned for John to enter. He stood, stopping before Marlena. “I’ll call you.”
John started to walk into the office when Marlena’s voice stopped him.
“Maybe you should take this,” she replied, handing him a piece of paper with her number on it.
He grinned, folding the piece of paper over and over. “Yes that would help.” He walked to the door of the private office and turned around, smiling again. “Bye Marlena.”
“Bye John.”
She watched him go, unable to help herself from staring. But she soon began to think of Nick and the reason she had started therapy in the first place, realizing that as adorable as John Black was, she’d never fall in love with someone who could hurt her again.
Marlena curled her legs underneath her, leaning up against the back of the couch. She put her cigarette to her lips, inhaling deeply.
“Are you sure you want to bet, Roman?” Marlena asked, taking a sip of her beer. ” Diana is going to win. She’s like the ultimate pop star, look how perky she is,” she replied pointing to the TV.
“Oh I’m sure. Diana might be cuter, but Fantasia will kick her butt. I swear to God it all depends on fan bases. Like come on, you watch those stupid soap awards, people win the Digest awards because the fans love them, not because they’re talented. It’s the same with this show, I think that was proven when LaToya was kicked off.” Roman took a couple of kernels from the popcorn bowl, popping them into his mouth. “You know, Ryan Seacrest is gorgeous but if he says Seacrest Out one more time, I may smack him.”
Marlena laughed. “Yeah, I’m sure you would smack him,” she teased.
Roman threw a piece of popcorn at her, scowling. “By the way, I watched your tape of The Young and the Restless today.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. But that guy who plays Cameron, what a sneaky bastard! Not to mention, he’s gorgeous! Do I know him?”
“Personally?”
“Shut up. Do I know him from anything?”
“Melrose. He played Coop. And the chick that plays Diane on the show is married to him. She was on Melrose too. Christine.”
“Oh, that annoying bitch who broke up Amanda and Kyle! I hated her.”
“Roman, do you think we’re pathetic?”
“Just because we sit home and watch American Idol and talk about soaps? Nah,” he grinned.
The phone rang and Roman reached over, answering it. But before saying hello, he looked at Marlena and smiled again. “See, we’re not complete losers, someone is calling.” He lifted the phone to his ear. “Hello?” He listened for a moment, handing the phone to Marlena. “Okay, you’re not a complete loser.”
Marlena laughed, taking the phone from Roman’s hand. “Hello?”
“Marlena? This is John. Black. You, uh, gave me your number for tutoring.”
On her end, Marlena couldn’t help but smile, immediately followed by a deep crimson blushing her cheeks. “Yes, hi, John. How are you?”
“Screwed. I know this is kind of short notice, but is there any way you can help me tonight? I completely forgot I had a film test tomorrow and it’s the one before the final and I really need to do well and at this rate, I’m not even close, I know it’s kind of late–“
“No, don’t worry about it,” she said almost too quickly. “I mean I’m just watching American Idol with my roommate.”
“Oh yeah?” John smiled, “Who are you a fan of?”
” Diana.”
“Me too.”
“Well you can head on over. I’m going to need to finish watching this, I have fifty bucks riding on it, but as soon as it’s over, I’d be more than willing to help out. What’s the test on?”
“The Graduate, Bonnie and Clyde, A Hard Days Night, um, I think something else.”
“Okay, piece of cake. I live at 1215 South 13th.”
“I’ll be over soon. And Marlena? Thanks.”
**
Marlena took out her wallet, reluctantly taking fifty dollars out of its holder. She handed it over to Roman with a frown, not wanting to part with her cash. She looked over at John who had arrived moments before and saw the small smile gracing his tender lips.
“You know,” she said, her eyes never leaving John’s, “if you had bet you wouldn’t be smiling right now.”
“That’s why I don’t bet on TV,” John grinned. He looked around at the surroundings of the room and noticed not one book seemed to grace the couch or table. “Are we studying in here?”
“No, I figured we’d let Roman watch whatever and we can study in my room, if that’s all right.”
“Sure.”
“Okay, head on in, some of my books are in the living room and I need to search for them. It’s the first door on the right.”
Roman watched John walk into the other room and he stood, walking towards Marlena. “Your bedroom, huh?”
Marlena rolled her eyes, walking out of the room, not bothering to respond to his comment.
**
John walked around Marlena’s room, looking at the posters that graced her wall. A large poster of the girls from Sex and the City stood alone on one wall, while adjacent a poster of Bon Jovi stared at him, as if checking John out. He sat down on the bed and picked up the book beside him, reading the front cover. He had never heard of Nicholas Sparks before but the title ‘Message in a Bottle’ seemed familiar to him. He picked it up, having nothing else to do while Marlena was gone, and read a few pages.
I miss you my darling, as I always do, but today is especially hard because the ocean has been singing to me, and the song is that of our life together. I can almost feel you beside me as I write this letter, and I can smell the scent of wildflowers that always reminds me of you. But at this moment, these things give me no pleasure. Your visits have been coming less often, and I feel sometimes as if the greatest part of who I am is slowly slipping away. I am trying though. At night when I am alone, I call for you, and whenever my ache seems to be the greatest, you still seem to find a way to return to me. Last night, in my dreams, I saw you on the pier near Wrightsville Beach. The wind was blowing through your hair, and your eyes held the finding sunlight. I am struck as I see you leaning against the rail. You are beautiful, I think as I see you, a vision I can never find in anyone else. I slowly begin to walk toward you, and when you finally turn to me, I notice that others have been watching you as well. “Do you know her?” they ask me in jealous whispers, and as you smile at me, I simply answer with the truth. “Better than my own heart.” I stop when I reach you and take you in my arms. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, and when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment, at peace once again …
“John, I’m sorry …” Marlena stopped herself in the doorway, noticing John immersed in her novel. He looked up at her, a few tears lingering in his blue eyes. She smiled, walking further into her bedroom. “Are you crying?”
“No!” He said firmly, but couldn’t help but return her smile. “That’s a really beautiful letter.”
“There are more in there. I must’ve read this book at least ten times. It’s the one novel I can read over and over again. It’s extremely touching.” Marlena sat down beside John, a pile of books in hand. “You ready to start studying?”
But John wasn’t listening to her, not really anyway. He seemed to be elsewhere as he gazed somewhere past the window and into the bright lights of New York City. “Have you ever been in love like that? Like that letter implies?”
“Why do you think I’m in therapy?” Marlena teased. “Have you?”
John thought about it for a moment, leaning back against Marlena’s headboard. “I don’t know if I believe in a love like that. I don’t know if you can truly love someone so much that you have those intense feelings. I think no one knows the real meaning of love, we just think we do because it’s what books and movies and television teaches us. I mean do you honestly know one truly happy couple?”
“Aren’t you and Olivia happy?” Marlena asked.
“At the moment, I’m not so sure. People are selfish. You might love someone but the truth of the matter is, if something you wants comes first, then you choose it.”
“You’re a little jaded, aren’t you?”
“Okay, so tell me, why are you in therapy?”
“It’s a long story.”
John looked at his watch and then back up at Marlena. “I have the time.”
And so Marlena began to tell him the story of why she and Nick broke up. She began to open up to him in ways she never had to anyone, including her therapist. And at around three in the morning, when she finally finished, she felt more relieved than she had in a long time. With understanding eyes, John reached his hand across the bed, touching her hand lightly.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that.”
Marlena shrugged. “That’s pretty much why I vowed not to fall in love again, at least not anytime soon. So how about you? What’s going on between you and Liv?”
John groaned, leaning back against Marlena’s pillows. “Let’s not talk about that.”
Marlena nodded, but held his gaze for another moment. “Just know that if you want too, I’m a pretty good listener.”
John smiled at her and kicked one of his film books towards her. “So Evans, now that it’s three in the morning, care to help me study?”
Marlena laughed, pushing the book back to him. “Why the hell not, but I don’t need the book, The Graduate is my all time favorite movie.”
“Never seen it.”
Marlena gasped, standing up. “Screw the test, you should see it anyway! We’re watching it.”
“Now?”
“Yes, now. Come on.” She held her hand out to John and he took it, pulling himself up off the bed.
“If I pass out during my test, I’m blaming you.”
“This is so worth it,” Marlena responded, pulling John out of her room and into the living room, The Graduate in hand. “Believe me, you’re going to love it!”
It was nearly five thirty in the morning when The Graduate finally ended. John looked beside him to a sleeping Marlena and smiled lightly before nudging her. She moaned softly in her sleep and rolled over, allowing her eyes to slowly flutter open. John pulled a strand of hair behind her ear.
“For someone who loves this movie, you sure fell asleep quickly.”
Marlena smiled, reaching her arms above her head to stretch. “I do love it. I was tired from talking so much. Did you like it?”
“It was amazing,” John replied, sincerely. “I don’t know what it was, but it was just wonderful. I loved the music too.”
“Oh me too. Simon and Garfunkel are probably my all time favorite group. So, do you think you have this movie down enough for your test?”
“I do have one question.”
“Sure.”
“What made Ben change his mind so quickly on his date with Elaine? He was so intent on making her miserable and then all of a sudden he just enjoyed spending time with her.”
Marlena nodded, shutting off the television. “He didn’t really dislike her, he just didn’t want to give her a chance. He was so wrapped up in his affair with Mrs. Robinson that he didn’t care. But when he saw how much he hurt her after the strip club he just decided to give her a chance and he ended up falling in love with her.”
“Okay, that’s what I thought.” John looked down at his watch and back up at Marlena, groaning. “We still have four other movies to go through and it’s nearly six. You must be dying to sleep.”
“I am. But if you need help, I’m up. I don’t have class until five tomorrow anyway.”
John took Marlena’s hand and squeezed it gently. “Thank you.”
**
At half past four in the afternoon, the phone beside Marlena rang and she groaned, pulling her pillow over her head. She had helped John cram for his film test until nine in the morning and by the time he had left, she was more over tired than anything, unable to sleep. She had spent a few hours catching up on her soap operas and finally at noon, she passed out.
The phone continued to ring and Marlena glanced at the clock knowing she wasn’t going to make it to her five o’clock class. She reached over and grabbed the phone just so the ringing would stop.
“Hello?” Marlena mumbled.
“Marlena? It’s John.”
“Oh hi, John, what’s up?”
“I’m sorry, I kept you up all night and then when you finally get to sleep I wake you.” In his car, John looked at the clock on his dashboard. “Don’t you have class in half an hour?”
“I’m too tired,” Marlena groaned, “so what’s going on, John?”
“I took my test this morning and when I was taking it, I got a little worried. I knew the material but I still wasn’t sure I was answering the questions right. Well I ran into my professor a few hours later and he stopped me and told me that I aced it. I got an A, Marlena.”
Marlena sat up in bed, pulling her hair into a ponytail. “That’s wonderful! I’m really happy for you, John.”
“What time are you getting out of bed?”
Marlena laughed. “Why do you care?”
“Because I feel like I at least owe you dinner.”
“You don’t owe me anything, I was happy to help. Besides, I threw up on you, I owed you.”
“Well at least let me do something. Let me buy you a drink.”
Marlena smiled. “I’m not twenty-one yet.”
“I didn’t think that stopped you,” John laughed. “But neither am I. Please, let me do something. Olivia has dinner plans with some of her girlfriends tonight. Why don’t you meet me at Cosi? We’ll grab a cup of coffee.”
“Are you sure Liv won’t mind?” Marlena asked cautiously.
“It’s just coffee, Marlena. Not a marriage proposal. Meet you at the corner of school in half an hour?”
Marlena leaned forward, so she was able to see herself in the mirror. She scowled to herself and pulled her hair out of the ponytail. “Make it an hour.”
**
Marlena stormed into Cosi, tears threatening her hazel eyes. She found John in the back corner already sipping a coffee. She walked to the table and collapsed into the chair. John looked up surprised to see the sadness in Marlena’s eyes.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“Nothing,” Marlena said, quietly, “it’s stupid.” As she spoke, the tears began to break free and Marlena quickly wiped them. She could feel John’s eyes on her and she looked up at him, smiling lightly. “It really is stupid and ridiculous.”
“I like stupid and ridiculous stories.”
Marlena couldn’t help but smile. “I went to the bank to take out some money. My balance is telling me I have over a thousand dollars in there but when I went to take out forty, it wouldn’t let me. I called the hotline for my bank and they let me know that my check was put on hold for the next couple of days. So I now have no money and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.” After hearing her own story, Marlena laughed wiping her tears. “I am such a spoiled brat. It was just a little too much stress on a day where I haven’t gotten enough sleep.”
“Keep rubbing that no sleep thing in,” John teased. “Let me buy you a cup of coffee, at least to make up for you not sleeping.”
Marlena leaned back in her chair, nodding. “I’m not going to argue with you right now, I would love a cup, thank you.”
John waved over a waiter, pointing to his cup of coffee. “Can we get another one? And also an order of s’mores.”
The waiter walked away and Marlena smiled. “How’d you know I liked s’mores?”
“What woman could resist chocolate?”
“Very true,” Marlena laughed. “So John, tell me about you and Liv, how did you two meet?”
John smiled, taking a sip of his coffee. “We met at a frat party my freshman year. Liv was a sophomore with our sister sorority and one of my buddies was actually hitting on her. She looked so uncomfortable so I bailed her out and I guess things just happened from there. We’ve been dating ever since.”
“I can’t believe we’ve never met,” Marlena said, amazed, “I’ve known Liv for two years. It’s just ironic I met you on Long Island of all places.”
“Do you commute to work every day?”
Marlena shrugged. “I only work a few days a week but I grew up on the Island. I’ve had that job since I was fifteen. I guess I didn’t want to give it up just yet. Do your parents live there?”
“Yeah, they moved there after I graduated high school.”
“Where to?”
“Garden City.”
Marlena almost choked on her sip of coffee that had been brought to the table moments before. “Really? That’s where I’m from. Where are you from originally?”
“Malibu, actually. I think my parents moved out here when they realized I was going to college in New York. I decided to go to school in New York to get away from my parents. If I had known they were going to move here, I would have just gone to Pepperdine.”
“Oh I loved it there!” Marlena exclaimed. “That was one of the top schools I applied to and I went to California to visit it. It was gorgeous but it was a little too expensive. I might go to grad school there or something.”
“What is it you want to do again?” John asked, picking up a graham cracker and placing a piece of chocolate on it.
“I want to be a psychiatrist. I guess I just like helping people. How about you?”
John held his s’more over the flame, waving it back and forth. “I tend to tell people I want to be a businessman. But if I was truly honest with myself, I’d become a baseball player.”
“Okay, so why don’t you?”
“It’s hardly practical.”
Marlena shrugged her shoulders. “Who cares. So many people spend their lives in a job they hate because it’s what they think they should be doing. Be one of the ones who does their job because they love it, because they can’t see themselves doing anything else.”
John smiled impressed with her answer. “You know what I want do?”
“No, what?”
John took apart his s’more as if thinking and leaned forward towards Marlena. “This!” He grinned, wiping the gooey marshmallow and melted chocolate over her cheek.
Marlena shrieked, getting the attention of a few patrons around her. She smiled apologetically and grabbed her own piece of melting chocolate. She held it up in front of him. “I can play dirty too, you know.”
“Oh I don’t doubt that,” he smiled, picking up his napkin. He held her chin in his hand wiping away the mess he had created. His hand remained there as he stared at her without ever realizing that his girlfriend stood in the doorway witnessing their entire playful encounter.
There’s something about lost love that makes you never want to fall in love again. Since my breakup I haven’t dated. There have been offers but I think I like hiding away from the world. No one can hurt you and it seems to make things so much easier. I must admit I miss that feeling though. I miss being able to curl up next to someone at night while watching a movie and I miss sleeping next to someone when a storm outside rages.
“You have a way with words.”
Marlena turned around from her computer in the NYU library to find John behind her. She blushed and lowered her document so John could no longer see it.
“Hardly.”
John pulled out the empty chair next to Marlena and sat down. “What are you writing?”
“I write an article every week for the school website. I’m trying to get it done early though since finals are coming up soon. What are you doing here?”
John’s eyes widened. “You’re Samantha Davidson?”
Marlena blushed again, leaning her elbow on the desk. “Guilty. I would never post this under my real name in case my ex boyfriend happened to look on the website. You seem shocked? Do you read it?”
“Every week. You know, I actually tried to look you up in the directory one time. There was this one article you wrote. You spoke about what it was like to see your ex for the first time after the breakup and it was something I remember so well from high school. I was curious about who you were but when I looked, there was no one under that name.”
“I’m flattered,” Marlena smiled, “but I’m really not all that good. Just write based upon life experiences I guess.”
“You know when you were talking about Nick the other night, it reminded me of your columns. I was going to ask you if you had ever read them but it slipped my mind. I guess you have.”
“Yes,” Marlena laughed, “I guess I have.” Marlena paused for a moment, unsure of what to say. She had only known John for days but she felt a connection with him, one she had never even felt with Nick. She looked down at the keyboard and then up at John once more. “So what are you up to?”
“Believe it or not, studying.”
Marlena raised an eyebrow. “Really? What?”
“A little from column A, a little from column B. I might need a little help later, would you mind if I called?”
“Of course not. Anytime you need it.”
John smiled patting her hand. “Thanks. I better be going. Have fun with the article, I can’t wait to read it.”
With that John walked off, unsure of what he was getting himself into but knowing whatever it was had to stop.
**
John breezed through the door of Olivia’s apartment with a bag of fast food in each hand. He dropped the keys from his mouth onto her mail table and placed each bag onto the counter. “Liv? Baby, I brought home some McDonalds.” John walked into the bedroom to find Olivia lying there in her pajamas with the television on. John glanced at the screen and almost had to wince when he saw what she was watching. “You’re taking the job, aren’t you?” He asked, sitting down on the bed.
“Just because I’m watching Melrose Place doesn’t mean I’m going to go run off with Heather Locklear. I didn’t decide if I was taking it yet, although I’m thinking that maybe you wish I would.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Olivia turned off the television and sat up, facing John. “I saw you last night, John.”
“Saw me where?” John asked confused.
“With Marlena. At Cosi. I was out with some girlfriends and we decided to get some coffee first. You were flirting with her.”
“I was not! Look, she was tutoring me and she helped me pass my film test. I was thanking her, that’s all. You’re not jealous, are you?”
“Do I have a reason to be?
“Liv, I love you. I know things have been rocky between us for a few weeks now, but that doesn’t change anything. I was desperate and Marlena helped me. She’s a tutor to me, a friend, nothing more.”
Olivia gave him a small smile, hiding her head with a hint of embarrassment. “I overreacted, I’m sorry.”
“It happens,” John grinned, “I know what a stud I am.”
“Oh shut up,” she laughed, hitting his arm.
John leaned back against the pillows, pulling Olivia towards him. He turned on the television again and wrinkled his nose a bit. “Okay, so what exactly is going on here?” He asked pointing to the television.
“Well Amanda,” she explained, “just got back with Peter. It’s kind of a big deal though since like four months ago Peter drugged her, took over her company, and tried to give her an appendectomy even when she didn’t need one. He saved her from her abusive ex husband or something so I guess she owed him.”
John rolled his eyes. “Sounds exhilarating. I’m going to go bring dinner in here. Maybe there’s something more interesting on the back of the McDonald’s fries that I can read.”
“You’re so witty,” Olivia mocked.
John walked towards the door, stopping before he reached the exit. “You know, I do love you.”
“I know.”
**
“You know, I still don’t understand why Amanda got back with him,” Roman mentioned, spooning a mouthful of food into his mouth, his eyes focused more on the television than his mouth.
“Because he’s hot,” Marlena shrugged. “Who wouldn’t do Jack Wagner?”
The phone beside them rang and Marlena reached over, picking it up.
“Hello?” Marlena’s fork clattered onto the table and Roman looked at her startled. She sat there for a minute, frozen. And when she did speak, only one name seemed to come out of her mouth. “Nick …”
Marlena sat on the window seat in her bedroom, gazing out into the storm filled day. The call from Nick had been a shock to say the least and since the moment she had hung up the phone, she was unable to move. Millions of thoughts ran through her mind as she watched the water dance down her window. Lost in thought and memories of the past, she didn’t see Roman standing there, a cup of steaming tea in his hand. It wasn’t until he held the drink out to her that she looked up, her eyes red and uncertain.
“Do you want to talk it?” Roman asked softly, sitting down beside her.
Marlena took the cup from his hands, running her fingers around the rim of the mug. “I don’t know why I allow myself to feel like this, why I let myself fall every time I hear him or see him or even think of him!”
“What did he say?”
“That he wanted to see me. That he missed talking to me. Never once did he mention his fiancée. No, instead he brought up old times between us in a ten minute phone conversation!”
“Are you going to go?”
Marlena shrugged her shoulders, leaning back against the wall. “Am I supposed too? Am I not?”
“I think you do what you think is right. I don’t like him, Mar. I mean yes, Nick was great to hang out with and he was a lot of fun, but he hurt you. A lot. You deserve so much more than he was ever willing to give you. But I know it’s not easy to give up first love which is why I can’t tell you what to do.”
Marlena groaned. “Some help you are. He’ll be in town either way in a couple of days. He said he’d call. You know that saying ‘It’s better to have lost than to never have loved at all?’ That’s complete and utter bullshit.”
“I’m thinking I should have made you a margarita and not tea.”
“I’m sorry,” Marlena sighed, “I’m just a little bit lost right now. But it’s true, you know. I’d rather have never met Nick and never felt anything at all than to feel this pain day in and day out.”
“Speaking of love, what’s going on with you and Black?”
Marlena took a cigarette off of the dresser beside her and lit it. Before answering Roman, she inhaled deeply, exhaling in a cloud of smoke. “Nothing. He’s dating Liv.”
“Nothing? This is the same John Black who spent the night a few days ago and didn’t end up leaving here until what? Almost noon?”
“Would you stop it? I helped him study, nothing more. The last thing I need or want at the moment is another relationship. Can we drop it now?”
Roman held up his hands in surrender. “Sure thing, darling. So tell me. What do you want to do today? It’s only three. We can catch a movie, go hang out on campus, whatever you want.”
“What I really want is to stay here all day and watch Lifetime television.”
“Lifetime TV it is!”
**
Although John missed Malibu daily, there was something about this little town on Long Island that he couldn’t help but love. Garden City was that picturesque town they would use in movies: the vision of where a perfect family should live. His family was anything but, although to the outside world someone would never know. His father was the epitome of a successful businessman while his mother seemed to be the perfect housewife. And even though the marriage looked perfect from the outside, it was anything but. Fights were quite common in the Black household and even though the marriage had never resulted in divorce, John often wondered if it would be better that way. He had never fully gotten along with his parents, especially his father, and he had relied on his older brother, Scott, for everything, including advice.
Pulling into his brother’s driveway, a house only doors down from his parents, John got out of the car, lighting a cigarette. He had taken only a drag when his brother stepped outside, locking the door behind him.
“Smoking is going to kill you.”
John rolled his eyes. “I’m aware. Where are we going?”
“I don’t know. That restaurant across the street from that church is pretty good.”
John thought back to Easter, the day he had met Marlena. He knew there was a possibility she would be there and knowing why he was on the Island in the first place, he shook his head.
“Can we stay here?”
“Must be pretty serious if you’re willing to be so close to mom and dad.”
“Are they home?”
Scott smiled. “No, they’re in Connecticut for the day seeing Aunt Viv.”
“Together? Impressive.”
“I think mom was all liquored up before they even left the house,” Scott teased. “Come on, we’ll sit out by the pool, I’ll get you drunk.”
A couple of hours and three beers later, John sat beside his brother at the pool. It had all been trivial talk so far as John lit up a cigarette ignoring the stare Scott had gotten so good at.
“Okay, so you didn’t come here to talk about the weather. What’s up little brother?”
“What it’s always about.”
“What’s going on with you and Liv?”
“She got a job offer in LA.”
“That’s wonderful, isn’t it?”
“It’s a year, Scott. If she accepts after graduation and leaves, who’s to say what’s going to happen? I don’t do long distance well. There’s a reason Victoria and I broke up before I left for NYU.”
“That’s completely different,” Scott reasoned. “Come on, you dated Tori for six months and it was high school. This relationship with Liv is different. If you want it to work, it can. I guess the real question is, do you want it too?”
“There’s a little more to the story.”
“There usually is.”
Scott pulled out another beer, handing it to John. He opened it, taking a long swig before continuing.
“I don’t even know how to start. I guess it would stem from the fact that I needed a tutor for most of my subjects. I kept running into someone. First at that restaurant across from church, then at a party Liv threw, and then at my shrink’s office. She tutored me one night and it was probably the most fun I had in a long time.”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“No! I’d never cheat on Liv or anyone for that matter. I’m attracted to her, though. Not to mention, I love being around her. I just don’t know what to do.”
“I can’t make that decision for you. Do you love this girl–”
“Marlena. No. I don’t know her well enough to love her. Besides, I do love Olivia. I’m just … confused.”
“Do you want some advice?”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Sort out your feelings for Liv first. If she’s going to take this job in Los Angeles then figure out what it means for you two. Don’t jump into something without thinking of the consequences. Then, maybe you should talk to Marlena. If this is completely one sided, then you don’t have much of a problem. What you feel for her is a crush and you’ll get over it.”
“And if she feels the same way?”
Scott took a sip of beer, unable to help the small smile gracing his lips. “Then you’re fucked.”
John almost had to laugh. “Yeah. I guess I am.”
Marlena glanced at her computer screen, reading over the last article she had written for the lit mag. There was something that just didn’t seem to sit right with her. Highlighting the passage, she hit delete with a quick stroke of a finger and began to type, unsure of the words she was saying, but knowing that somehow they’d make perfect sense.
Week in and week out, I write about love, but more than that, I write about heartache. It’s a funny thing, falling in love. When we’re children, girls especially, dream about the moment they’ll meet the perfect man. Movies have taught us that it’s beautiful and romantic and while things may come and rock the pavement a bit, in the end, it will be all right. But where is the movie that ends with complete heartache? Where is the realism? Plain and simple, in today’s society, no one wants to watch someone in pain over heartache, because in truth, we all have felt it and never want to have to relive it.
My ex boyfriend called me today out of the blue. Only weeks ago I found out he was engaged to another woman and while I am young and in no rush to get married, I couldn’t help but wonder, why not me? I know there were times I was a needy girlfriend. He was my first real relationship and I think I depended upon him to clean up the few messy spaces in my life. Maybe I clung a little too much, maybe I pushed a little too hard … but I was still good to him. I still held him while he cried over a family emergency, I still loved him and was there for him when he hurt me and I guess the question I ask myself now is, why do I keep going back? Why do I continue to write articles on someone who will never love me like I want him too? Why can’t I seem to get the one person who hurt me the most out of my life?
It’s funny that no matter what gender we are, what age, we all seem to have the same problems. One of my closest friends is a male and he seems to be in the same situation as I am, although his is a little fresher and a little more wounded. A friend of ours set him and his ex girlfriend up and he really cared about her. Did he love her? I don’t know. But he cared, for maybe even the first time, and when she decided her ex boyfriend seemed like a better option, she left him, leaving him devastated and alone. So again I ask, is love ever really worth it? There’s an age old saying ‘Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?’ These days, I’m going with the latter. Yes, love teaches us things about ourselves, things we might not have known otherwise. But I think there are times I’d rather never have discovered that part of myself then to constantly wake up with a wounded heart.
Marlena stopped typing and grabbed a cigarette off of her desk. She lit it and stared at her words, unsure of what else she could add. She felt her columns had all started to blur within the others as of late; all about the heartache Nick had caused her. It was a topic she didn’t like to bring up, but did so because in some form it healed her and hopefully others who read her column. Or else she had just watched a little too much Lifetime TV that afternoon and was feeling mildly depressed.
The phone beside Marlena rang and she reached for it, hoping beyond hope, it wouldn’t be her mother. Martha Evans had called her daughter non-stop since the news of Nick’s engagement traveled through Roman’s mother to her own. Marlena, always good at dodging her mother when she needed too, remained busy just so she wouldn’t have the time to speak to her. She picked up the phone, taking a deep breath, preparing for the sympathetic words from her mom.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s John.”
Marlena pulled her feet off of her desk and felt her heart begin to beat a little faster. What the hell was she doing? Girlfriend, heartache, a mess. Something she didn’t need to get into with John Black. “Hey! What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I’m actually on the Island and wanted to see if you were working.”
“No, I’m not. I have the week off because of my mess with finals. You visiting your parents?”
“Brother, actually. What are you up too?”
“Working on my article for the lit mag. I actually just finished though. Thought maybe I’d hit up some more Lifetime TV.”
“Lifetime, huh? Down on men?”
Marlena laughed. “What does that mean?”
“Are you kidding? They should rename that network: Lifetime, the only network that shows men are evil bastards who should die.” Marlena laughed again. “So what’s wrong?”
“When did you get to know me so well?”
“When I started spending quite a bit of time with you.”
On Long Island, outside in his brother’s jacuzzi, John couldn’t help but think of what Marlena would look like in a bikini. He had scolded himself the entire day for thinking of another woman while still very much involved with Liv, but couldn’t seem to control it. He needed to find out if what his brother said was right. If Marlena did have feelings for him, then he’d have to make a decision: her or Liv. If she didn’t, it was simply a crush he’d get over within time. Taking a long drag of his cigarette and exhaling in a breath, he closed his eyes, leaning back against the wall. “What are you doing tonight?”
“Nothing. I have some work I need to finish up. Why, what’s up? Do you need help studying?”
“No, actually. I thought maybe we could watch a movie or something.”
Marlena looked at the pile of work on her desk and bit down on her lip. She wanted to say no, she wanted to tell him she couldn’t, but yes seemed to be coming out of her mouth faster than she could stop it. “You can come to my place. Roman is gone for the night, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.” Realizing what she had just said and how John might imply it, she quickly hit her forehead with her hand. “I … Uh … I mean, Roman will be gone so …”
John just laughed. “I know what you mean. How’s seven?”
“Seven’s fine.”
“Should I pick the movie?”
“Sure,” Marlena shrugged, “just please no Steven Segal or The Rock or Vin Diesel. I don’t mind action movies, but those three are just idiots.”
“Deal. See you then.”
Marlena hung up the phone and glanced at her computer screen once more. She put out her cigarette and couldn’t help the smile creep up on her face as she began to type once again.
Do we ever learn from heartache? Or are we just doomed to repeat our mistakes forever?
**
At seven on the dot, John stood outside Marlena’s apartment door with a few movies. He realized he didn’t even know her favorite genre, so he picked blindly, hoping beyond hope, she’d like his movie choices. Of course, the real reason he was over wasn’t to watch movies. They were purely a distraction, ones he used with Olivia when he had taken her home for the weekend, although this of course was different. With Olivia, they had gone into the family room to catch up on some new releases, but had ended up nearly clothes less on his mother’s Persian carpeting. Shaking his mind from thoughts of his girlfriend, John knocked on the door. In seconds, Marlena answered it, out of breath.
“Rough day?” John teased.
“Oh yeah, running from room to room trying to find slippers.” She rolled her eyes. “Life is exhilerating sometimes.”
She opened the door further and John walked in, holding up the movies in front of her face. “I got a few, I wasn’t really sure what you were into.”
Marlena sat down on the couch, folding her legs beneath her. “Okay, show me what you’ve got.”
John pulled a movie out of his bag, holding it up to Marlena. When she saw the title, she scrunched up her nose. “Dogma? I’m sorry, I can’t stand Kevin Smith. Except for Chasing Amy … and Jersey Girl.”
“Oh a Ben Afflect girl, are we?”
“No, actually, I don’t like him. But they are cute movies. What else do you have?”
John pulled out another movie, holding it in front of Marlena. To this, she nodded. “The American President. Very nice. I love that movie. Definitely a possibility. What else?”
“Garden State,” John replied, pulling out a third movie.
“I never saw that. I heard it was amazing and I love Zach Braff.”
“It’s great. And we’ve got one more.”
Marlena looked down at her watch and then back up at John, skeptical. “John, how many movies do you think we’re watching?”
“It’s called options, Marlena,” he teased. “Besides, there’s only one more. I know you love Mike Nichols as a director since The Graduate is your all time favorite movie and so I looked up all these movies that he did. I thought this one sounded the best.”
Before he could pull out the movie, Marlena grinned widely. “Working Girl?”
John pulled it out, impressed. “How did you know?”
“Because it is the best!” She squealed. “John Black, you are freaking awesome!”
And as Marlena grabbed the movie from John’s hands, he knew this discussion was going to be one of the hardest things he ever had to do.
**
Halfway into The American President, the third movie of the evening, John looked over at Marlena who was half asleep. Her eyes fluttered and her lips, soft and pink, were slightly parted. John looked down at his watch and when he saw the time, he knew he had to do what he had come there to do: despite the consequences.
He leaned over and nudged Marlena lightly, eliciting a moan from her. “What?” She grumbled.
“We need to talk.”
She opened one eye and smiled. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I’m serious.”
Marlena opened her other eye and sat up, crossing her legs beneath her. “Okay. What’s wrong?”
John took a deep breath, not sure how to start this conversation. He leaned back, rubbing his hands over his eyes. “Have you noticed that since we met, things keep happening? I’ve met a lot of people in my life and I’ve gotten along with many of them. But with you … I don’t know. I feel like you and have this connection–”
“John,” Marlena said softly, knowing where this conversation was going, “you have a girlfriend.”
“I know I do. And I love Olivia. But I also feel something for you that I’ve never felt before, not even with her. I need to know if you feel the same way.”
“And what if I said I liked you, John?” Marlena replied, agitated. “Would you break up with Liv and start dating me?”
“I don’t know. It’s something I would have to decide. I need to know how you feel, Marlena.
” Marlena closed her eyes. Yes, she liked John. She had tried to deny it, she had wanted to ignore it, but she couldn’t. But she was Marlena Evans. She wasn’t selfish when it came to other people, especially when it came to love. She had been hurt too much in the past to ever hurt Liv. She opened her eyes and turned towards John, hoping she wouldn’t start to cry.
“No, John. I don’t have feelings for you.”
The Jarlena Journal 